I want to welcome you to Writing.Com, I hope you learn to love it as most of us have.
What a great memory writing! You've shone this in good detail and the reader can see it clearly.
The emotion is real. I like the humor, and I can hear the words being said. You've done a good job with writing this down and pulling the reader in to see the scene.
He grins through the sweat poring down his face
I can see his face clearly. Good descriptions!
I think you meant to write --pouring--
But when she goes “home” to visit the outhouse and her memories are still there
I think removing this bolded word would make the line read smoother. It doesn't seem to be needed.
Besides a bit of punctuation issues, and the need to space between the paragraphs, I found nothing at all wrong with this piece. I throughly enjoyed reading it.
Well done!
Tips for navigation and much more. It's not just for newbies! Check it out.
"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
You've captured the loneliness and melancholy of this lonely soul. I can hear the sadness clearly. Good job!
As a reader, the words didn't flow too smoothly, though. For instance the first verse is very good except for the last line.
and yet not so far.
It just feels too short.
My comments are given as one of your readers only, not an expert in poetry. This is an enjoyable, sad poem, that only needs a bit of tweaking and polishing.
Good writing!
Tips for navigation and much more. It's not just for newbies! Check it out.
"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
This is quite good. The rhythm is consistent and makes a pleasant read most of the way. The rhyme is well done. The words bring forth a lot of emotion and good imagery. You've done a good job.
To leave him would be never
These words sound awkward to me, as a reader.
She plead to the Lord to let her stay
I suggest you try --pled--
With the soul she love, forever as she may
Awkward to me. Maybe --she loved--?
--forever as she may--doesn't sound right to my ears.
Remember, I am not an expert on poetry, I am only one of your readers and my comments are given as a reader.
Good work, it just needs a little tweaking.
Tips for navigation and much more. It's not just for newbies! Check it out.
"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
You said, I need to know what does NOT work in this piece.
You're asking the impossible, because everything works!
The tone is that of a very hurt girl. It's quiet and clear. The feelings and attitude are real and brings the character to life.
This short piece could stand on its own, but it is also a very good intro to a short story.
The tone pulls the readers in immediately and their interest is held all the way through. I found no problems or tech. issues at all. The only suggestion I have is to hit the enter key after each para to leave a space. It looks better and it would be easier on the readers eyes.
I enjoyed reading your poem. I believe if you continued to work with it though, it could sound much better.
To where I can't speak.
This line is here twice. I found it awkward sounding. It's bumpy to my ears, maybe it can be said more smoothly? I think it's the word --where--that is the culprit.
The rhythm needs to be worked with. It doesn't carry the reader along smoothly. The syllable count is the same in too many successive lines. I especially noticed the lines containing four beats per line.
What did you say?
What did I do?
Your gentle touch,
Soft spoken words,
Leaves me aching
I'm not a writer of poetry so I'm not attempting to critique it. I'm only explaining what I notice as a reader of poetry. A more varied and consistent rhythm is more enjoyable to read, in my opinion.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #778388 by Not Available.
I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review"
You've a good idea for a children's story. It needs some work though, in my opinion.
I like the characters and can see them pretty well, but their emotions are absent. There is no excitement to catch the attention of the child reader and carry them along.
The Hare is selfish and arrogant, that's seen well. He isn't taught a lesson though. He isn't changed by the end of the story.
She was so happy; she didn't even
Readers will want to feel and see her joy. What did she do? Excitement is needed! Cheering!
To his amazement, he was declared
Show his amazement, what did he do? Cry? Was he finally a good sport?
Hare used to be nice I think. He took time to get water for Polly the year he lost. That was sweet and I saw a side of him that I didn't see again. Did he feel tricked and revengful? Is that when he turned tricky?
the tri-animalon
I suggest making the definition clearer for small children. The voice and words used in the story are for young kids, they won't all get the meaning of this at once.
Children, just like adults, want to be scared, angered and feel good about the ending of stories.
This ending is showing Billy as a sweet and trusting fool, and I don't like my children learning that. Editors won't like it either because it won't sell to parents.
I suggest cutting those lines out completely. If he's going to be made the fool, let him be the winning fool somehow. I would let him be winner and Hare losing altogether for some reason. Children that are treated this way will relate strongly to Billy, and will want to see him win over the arrogant bully, Hare. Just my opinion.
This has the tone of humor, and it's interesting, but in my opinion, it needs more clarity.
I thought that Bilb and Henry were going to be inside the computer, actual parts of it. Perhaps talking to him through the keyboard or speakers. But the words are telling me they are separate beings outside of the computer. For instance, pulling the power cord must be done from the outside.
Henry is the Golden Lord of Storms, how does that relate to the computer?
More clarity is needed for the readers to see the images you intended.
When you have the characters clear in the readers minds, this would make a great series of shorts. The humor is present, and could be very well received.
It's also possible that I missed the point altogether. These are only one readers opinons. If your other reviewers understand and have no questions, please don't worry about one.
I'm so glad you keep posting these wonderful stories! These are definitely pick-me-ups for such as I, who does a lot of reading on the site. I enjoy the tone and the clarity of the message.
I think being lucky enough to have your work published in the paper has taught you much, whether you realized it or not. Your words flow so well, and you don't use more than necessary. Rare indeed! You very well could publish a book of short stories with this work.
I'll be back, to quote my Gov'ner!
Have fun and find some contests. Have you found the Famous Writers Cramp daily contest yet?
FORUM
The Writer's Cramp (13+) Write the best story or poem in 24 hours or less and win 10K GPs! #333655 by Sophy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Tips for navigation and much more. It's not just for newbies! Check it out.
"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
You've written the plans clearly. You've kept it simple to be understandable.
brainstorm and copy down whatever thoughts you think
This is exactly the right way to do it!
Aritcles for the paper
You have a typo in the title.
I suggest you find a place to break this into two paragraphs and separate them with one press on the enter key. That leaves a double space which makes the page look neater, and it's easier to read online.
Also, leave a double space between the title and body. Once this is printed you want it to look as good as possible, professional. When the text is all bunched up, it looks messy.
I found no other issues. I'm very glad to see you're writing a column for the school paper! It's good for the readers and good practice for you.
Well done!
I want to welcome you to the site again and I hope you are enjoying it.
I want to officially welcome you to the site and I hope you are enjoying it.
I really think I'm going to enjoy your writing. You write in such a friendly, open style. It's like talking to a neighbor on the front porch. I like that. None of the words sound forced, they just flow out of your thoughts naturally. Good work!
The imagery pulls the reader in well, and allows them to see what you see and feel what you feel. Can't get much better than that, that's what it's all about in my opinion.
I noticed no typos or other issues to mar the read.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
The newsletter contains tips for navigation, but much more too. It's not just for newbies! Check it out.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #778388 by Not Available.
This is tight with tension! You've caught my attention with this one. Is it a beginning or just this one scene for practice? It helps the reviewers in knowing what kind of review you want.
I make notes as I read and sum it up at the end.
Place space between the paragraphs for a neater page and for the ease of the reader. It's also the correct format for online reading.
one october night i was inspired for sum reason, this came out...probably outta boredome.
--some--out of boredom--spontaneous--
The brief description is pretty important. Many choose what they will read from the information and the way it is presented here. This looks pretty quickly typed. Capital --I's--and correct spelling count.
time looses it relevance, and purpose --loses--
As a beginning to a longer story, this is a good start. You've caught my attention and I want to know what happened to this character. You've some good tension and mystery. Imagery too.
This short piece gives no hint of the plot or where it's going. It may be a scene only.
What's going on with the character? I see where it could be several different scenarios. I suggest you make it clear so the readers will be able to understand. What I see is, either he or someone else murdered his wife. He lost his livelihood and is now broke and homeless.
He has no leads to follow, killers? See, it's all too vague.
I hope you continue to work on it, or one like it. I like the mystery you're showing. I think I feel regret and confusion from him. I know I feel he doesn't know what he's going to do now. The talent is obvious even as short as it is. I wonder what you could do with more words?
When you told me about posting this one I knew I wanted to read it too. It is as good as the other, don't worry.
Memories are personal writings and everyone won't see why it's special to the writer. They are like poetry that way. Sometimes the only one who understands it is the author.
You write to a certain 'audience', and I am part of your audience. Younger readers won't have any idea of what you're talking about. They won't get the nuances of that era. Courtesy, respect, all the very important qualities that were ingrained in us all, and are slowly disappearing. At least in my neighborhood.
So, the rates might be lower and the reviews questionable. Don't let it stress you, you wrote it very well, and your intended audience will 'get it'.
It was an innocent time, long gone.
with the help of a handful of gook, I brushed it up until it resembled a very tall cube
I can see this clearly. But, you know what? Wasn't it not too long ago, this was the style? For a little while anyway. Think of Bart Simpson.
She was still sitting passively in the passenger seat. Maybe she hadn’t noticed. Uh huh, she noticed! Wonderful description of slipping on the bell cord! They don't have many of those anymore.
Oh, and I like your doo-wop too!
I found nothing wrong with this and I enjoyed reading it very much, good writing!
This is a fun one to read. It moved along well and you showed the scene perfectly. The poor boy just did what comes naturally.
On the other hand, Dad’s mood seemed to alternate between uncontrollable hilarity and undisguised disgust
I just have to tell you how I laughed at this line. I know that mood personally! Good showing!
It was a shame to have to destroy such a beautiful thing. You showed it well.
With the mention of the RR Crossing at the beginning I was sure the toy would be involved there in some way. It pointed me in the wrong direction. Since the setting is not important to the story, that part could be cut to tighten it up and avoid distraction. It's entirely up to you though, it's your story.
I hope you have more of these memories to share. They are popular with many and I always enjoy them.
I like this. The words are well chosen for imagery and emotion. You show the scene very well!
small beady eyes thrice glued on me.
the sight of such true freedom be.
and as I grieve my long lost new reprieve
These three lines are where I, as a reader, stumbled. I believe it is a matter of one extra syllable in each of them. I want to skip the words,
--thrice--new--.
and --be--is awkward to read.
I turned my gaze, refused its call
three times it vanished in the silent eve.
These lines are the heart of the poem for me. Sad and regretful. Lost opportunity. Good work!
This is a fun read, and I think it makes a good point. I can see myself doing something like this too.
He decieded
This is a spelling typo only. --decided--
bought everything he sold
I think you are saying he --bought back everything--?
If so, I suggest you add the word --back--to make it very clear to the readers.
I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review"
This sounds to be quite an intriquing story. You've managed to raise my curiosity with this line.
in a land that was so alien to you hopes, fears and dreams
The bolded word is a typo. Should be --your--
but I never saw a face, but I knew her thoughts
I suggest removing the bolded word and start the sentence with --I never-- having two uses of --but--so close is bumpy to read. Of course, if this is already sent to the publishers, it's too late.
the “premonition” type dreams for the lacked the “special” quality --A typo--they--
“Exactly” like you... a “Quality” to it
The capitals and quotes don't look right to me. Italics would do better to highlight them, and the page would look neater, more professional. Is your editor willing to fix any of these things?
This intro lacks the spaces between each paragraph, is the completed story the same?
Yes, the story looks interesting and has caused curiosity. It's too short to make a decision to buy it though. It tells 'why' the story was written, but I would like to see a bit of the character/conflict here.
A paragraph showing a strong event or dialogue to give this reader a hint of why she chose to leave her homeland.
If this is due to be published, you've already found a publisher so I don't know what kind of feedback you're looking for. Just curious? You've got the hard part accomplished, congratulations!
I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review"
This is a good scene! It is exciting and the images are clear. You did very well in such a short piece, it's not easy.
I offer my suggestions in help; remember, they are only my opinion.
“Look man, you don’t want to do this,” John replied coolly
This is very good! The dialogue is natural and John is shown as level-headed. I don't think it's realistic to show him so calm though. Still, a good intro to him!
“Attention, attention! This is a lockdown!
I suggest you move this to the opening line and delete the lines ahead of it. This will grab the readers attention better. The first four lines aren't needed, and the info there isn't important to the story.
There was an audible rumble as every teacher rushed to lock his or her door
I can actually hear this rumble! Good line!
the gunman screamed at John.
This line could be cut. The readers can hear him scream through his words.
There was a moment of indecision for the gunman. He was trying to decide whether or not he should really shoot John
This bolded line could be cut to avoid redundency, wordiness and overtelling; which are all basically the same thing. The word 'indecision' is clear, readers will know why.
After that, call 911 and tell them what happened
Wouldn't the school have done this immediately?
Oh my God! What happened?” Mr. Clampet asked.From the announcement and from the shot which he should have heard, he would know what happened. This sounds odd to me.
the officer said robotically.
I wonder why this word was chosen? It doesn't sound realistic. He surely isn't bored?
John interrupted her incoherent babbling,
I suggest cutting this whole line. It makes him sound arrogant toward a girl who cares about him. Her words were not incoherent to me.
This is a good scene that needs tightening to make the tension felt better. As a first draft it's good. I noticed no typos or other issues in that area. You did a great job there. In fact, you did a great job with it all!
You've a good intro of the character here. I can see her clearly.
The plot isn't introduced yet, so comments will be limited to the character.
took a sip from her now luke-warm cocoa
To avoid wordiness, this word can be cut safely. It isn't needed for clarity of 'luke-warm'.
or any of the other luxuries she so desperately deserved.
I like this choice of words, they show a lot about this character. It tells me she has done something in her background to be rewarded for. I can't imagine what though. For a person to think they 'deserve' luxuries usually means they are selfish and greedy. Her choices of priority buying tends to cause me to lean toward this view of her.
So, she is either a hero or a villainess. I will read further to find out which. Good intro of her.
She fell a long way in a year, and I'm curious to find out how and why. You've a good start.
This is the story you mentioned of expanding in the other piece, isn't it? I recognize the job she held. This looks to be an interesting theme. I look forward to the next installment.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.64 seconds at 3:59pm on Jun 30, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
