I like dialog, but this has very little; still it moves along smoothly. The narrator has a good voice that's easy to listen to.
We were at Irwins until it closed, going over and over the same story. It never changed. There never new details.
A word is missing here.
returned to my apartment. I unlocked and pushed open the front. I yelled an excited, “Yes!”
You left off the word --door--
The characters are clearly seen and heard. The settings are clear. I really find nothing wrong with this story except the ending. It leaves unanswered questions. Most of the story surrounds Addie and is never resolved.
I turned to find the Chihuahua standing behind me.
I can see Rochelle very clearly through your good descriptive words. She's the most real of all the characters. Good job!
Mystery and suspense are very well done, they hold the readers attention well. A lot of time was spent building up tension and clues that don't go any further.
Is there another chapter in the works? You might want to make a note for the readers.
This ending gives a tone of 'life goes on', and that's okay, it's realistic, it's just isn't satisfying for a reader that is still concerned or at least curious about Addie.
The section on Clay was good, but seemed to come out of the blue - having nothing to do with the story. I believe it's to show his wandering thoughts.
No suggestions, just keep writing. You're a good writer.
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"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
This is interesting and a bit different. Good job!
I enjoyed reading it and noticed no typos of course, I was too engrossed in the read.
Differences between a writer’s intention and a reader’s comprehension are most obvious where readers have had different life experiences than that of the writer's.
I've long had a problem with my work being read and commented on by those that didn't take the time to try to see what I was talking about. That aggravates this reader a lot! You can't make your writing clear enough to be understood by those who won't put in a bit of effort of their own.
Ask yourself if the writer set the stage, making it possible for you to understand and enjoy reading what is being written about.
I don't think it's all the writer's responsibility, only most. People need to learn to read comprehensively too. They shouldn't have to have everything spelled out for them. That takes the fun out of reading and learning.
I enjoyed reading this chapter very much. The theme is suspenseful, scary and mysterious. You've a good start on this draft. I hope you wanted an in-depth review, because that's what I wanted to give on this piece. It has a lot of potential to become a great story, in my opinion. And those are the ones I spend time on. Don't stress on the rate at this point, it'll be raised when I read it again. Okay?
I list issues as I find them, and comment at the end.
“I’m never doing this again.” Rebecca thought to herself as she stared at the seat just inches in front of her. The idea that people should be so far from terra firma sent a shudder through her entire body.
This is a very good opening paragraph! I have but one suggestion and that is to show her fear more clearly through emotion. You've done a good job with the body language, but I don't really feel the tension.
left the ground and by now any trace of blood flowing through
Her hands were whiter than blank sheets of copy paper.
Wordy phrases that could be cut to tighten the line. Tightening raises tension.
Rebecca’s looks were pretty average. At thirty-five, she was a little overweight for her short stature. She was also beginning to show that forty was a lot closer than she was willing to acknowledge.
This area is out of place and not necessary at this point. Readers will begin to see her as she interacts with others. Slip in the absolutely needed info as it is needed. I suggest cutting this, readers won't care.
Manager of import sales was the new title she had been given at work.
--at work-- is obvious info and could be cut. This line can be tightened by cutting a few words.
---was her new title.--period.
Drake Lang slowly made his way down the center aisle of the plane.
Wordy - obvious. Readers will know this. Overtelling becomes boring and annoying to the readers. They know it's a plane. Be careful of this.
He seemed to be looking for something just beyond his reach. Something outside that was just out of sight, in the darkness.
Good line! I can vision this scene and it raises my suspicion of Drake
Much to Rebecca’s surprise he passed right through the hull to the outside
Search for a stronger descriptive word. Surprise is too common, too calm.
All they grabbed was handfuls of empty air.
Grammar issue. This should be --were--
Great, if a person thinks their crazy that means they aren’t
This should be --they're--for --they are--
Jim ran down the hospital corridor as fast as he could without falling
This whole paragraph is wonderful! Good action description, and I can feel his emotion well.
They have gone through a highly traumatic experience
--They -- means more than one. Shouldn't this be He or She? Better yet, just cut this line and offer no explanation. 'traumatic experience' is to be expected and needs no explanation.
I hope you've another chapter in the works to explain the ending of this one. It's a good ending if it's to be continued. It's not a good ending if this is completed. It doesn't tie anything up. Make a note in the brief description of chapter 1 (if this is true).
This has become a good tension filled mystery. I want to know more about Drake and the reporter. I have my suspicions about the reporter already. I think he ties in with your brief description of her.
I hope this feedback helps with ideas you hadn't thought of. It's only purpose is to help you become a better writer. I know you're already a good writer with short pieces, I remember reading your other item. Longer stories run into more difficulties and more in-depth reviews.
Good writing!
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"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
I want to welcome you to the site and I hope you are enjoying it.
You've a good beginning hook line! Then they saw something else, the wolf. It was still there, watching me.
This is sure to keep the readers turning the pages.
cold snow that lye below me --lay--
got up and streached my stiffened body
Spelling is --stretched--
I tried to remember what had happened before, but my memory wouldn't say
I like this line a lot. --memory wouldn't say--is very creative and original!
I heard footsteps behind me. I looked to see the wolf following me close behind
If they are walking on snow, she wouldn't hear the footsteps, probably not on grass, either. Can you hear a dog walking? I can't. I think this line could be cut safely, and just have her turning to see if the wolf followed would work.
But I suppose that it wasn't only that I needed him, but the fact that he needed me.
This is good! It gives a hint of the story theme and sohows how they become friends.
I noticed spelling issues and typos that you will find with a slow proofreading as you go along. Spellcheck will help too.
Is the title supposed to be -Up North--?
When you edit this, hit the enter key after each line of dialog and after each paragraph to leave spaces. You'll find it easier to edit and readers will find it easier to read. It also will look neater.
My curiosity is raised on why this girl is out there all alone. Good job!
"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor esprit
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I want to welcome you to the site and I hope you are enjoying it.
Very good beginning! It caught my interest by the second line. Good job! It's intense. You've managed to describe the plot and the main character well in this short intro. You're good!
“You’re life will be in much danger if you leave.”
This is --Your--
“It is in danger now,” I tried not to sweat, “I am getting too old for the type of
This is very formal and doesn't actually suit the mood. When people are excited they tend to use more contractions, don't they? --It's--and --I'm--are more realistic - IF they are human.
You're doing a good job, I look forward to the first chapter.
"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor esprit
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I like this story a lot. The theme, setting, character and emotions are clear. The beginning line;
Suashi had often wondered how cows felt as they were dragged to the slaughter house
pulls the readers in quickly with curiosity. Good job!
The story is consistent and moves along well. I found only a few issues for you.
but as usual he had renegade on his promise
Did you intend to write --renege---, which means to back out of a promise?
been sent to fetch her prepared for a struggled,
---should be --struggle--
should allow her husband to cook; she had being told by her mother year after
Should be --been--
“I knew you don’t want this marriage, but I promise you that I would try to make you
Should be -I-know-you don't want... -and -I-will--try to...
Place a space between each paragraph and each new line of dialog by a new speaker. It will look neater and be easier to read and edit. You can do that by using the edit link under this item in your port.
The story is very good. It's interesting and holds the attention of the reader well. I enjoyed it. You did a good job with the characters actions. They are realistic and believable. Good writing!
Enjoy the site!
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"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
This is very good. It's well written and attention grabbing. I enjoyed the read. It shows a man deep in the throes of depression, and it shows him clearly. His thoughts convince him he is correct and the rest of the world is wrong. Realistic I think, of many. I was a bit surprised at how quickly he fell out of society, but I assume he has been thinking this way for a long time.
The character isn't seen well, but it's the depression that is the main character, and it's seen clearly.
My neighbours are drug addicts, ex-cons and alcoholics. These are the waste, the “scum” of society. They are heroes. They are the ones who dared to work against the machine
This is good. It shows how his thinking has been affected by the depression. He has given up on life.
My mattress breaths a low wail as the decaying
Spelling is --breathes--
You've several commas out of place that could be deleted. Spaces between the paragraphs would improve the format and make it easier for the readers to read.
You've done a good job with this; I have no other suggestions. It shows you've quite a talent for melancholy writing.
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"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
This scene is excellent! The beginning is slow-paced and makes you wonder where it's going, but my-oh-my, it soon grips the reader with imagery and emotion!
Dig a few worms, hook, drop line, wait, yank, pull, gut, cook. Easy. Same.
This showed boredom at first, then I realized it is depression. Good tone!
Montana was on the ground, writhing in emotional pain ===
the other, the other, over and over, pound, pound, pound, each
This character is real! Good, good showing of emotion!
The only suggestion I have is to place spaces between paras and dialog lines. It looks better formatted and it's easier on the readers.
This is seriously good writing!
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"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
You've a good start to an action story. It's is going to be interesting and fast moving, I think. It needs work though. Here a couple of issues I noticed.
the agile figure placed theirfigure around the trigger and quickly shot the man
This is spelled --finger--
They started to slow down, the rope tied their wastepreventingthem from falling to their death on the sidewalk 50 floors below.
I thought there was only one character in this scene. These words say there is more than one, with --they-- ---waste--is spelled --waist--
You've several spelling errros in this that you will probably want to fix soon. Spaces between the paragraphs will make it look better and be easier to read and edit.
. If you were wondering why it was rated 13+, it's because some people might be a bit squeamish about asassins and shooting people.
Besides that, it is required to be rated 13+ with those issues.
I enjoyed reading your work, write on!
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"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
I want to welcome you to the site and I hope you are enjoying it.
A very good beginning! This caught and held my attention well. The setting is clear (and wet!) Good description!
The emotion is strong. The character is real. You're good!
The only thing I noticed was the lack of spaces between paragraphs. They make it easier for the readers, and for you when you edit. Just hit the enter key once after each para.
Well done!
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"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
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This is a good story! It held my interest well. Suspense and mystery continually pulled the reader along.
The descriptions of nature are beautiful. I can see the setting clearly.
You have some punctuation issues to edit, not many.
A few paragraph breaks - spaces, would improve the look of the page. It's easier to read and edit with spaces.
Peering out her window, Elizabeth noticed one dedicated lug nut valiantly holding the tire on.
I can't see the tire from my window, can you? I have to get out and look.
The ending leaves one question. If father loved his daughter, why didn't he raise this Elizabeth? It seems like he only ignored another child.
The main character is good and clear - I like her. In fact, all the characters can be seen. You're a good writer - did you know that? You have talent. This one is a pleasure and easy to read.
I want to welcome you to the site and I hope you are enjoying it.
A chapter of the invisible man by hg wells
You need to make it very clear that this is indeed, your rendition of this scene, and not a copy. This is almost too well written, if you know what I mean.
The visitor woke with a start
He was just talking to her, I feel it amazing and confusing - unbelieveable - that he fell back to sleep so quickly.
I really don't know what to say about this one. The description of the setting is clear. It is enjoyable and easy to read. It's well done. It's only a small portion though. It doesn't give any info on the story or characters. I'm not sure it's completely your writing due to the brief description.
What were you looking for in feedback?
It needs spaces between the paragraphs for easier reading and editing. The page will look neater too.
Keep writing,
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"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
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This is a great story! It's fun and reads fast and smooth. The voice is very good, it's natural and realistic. I could actually hear the dialect in my own ears. Good job!
The story has modern-day humor that anyone will understand. Good twisted ended.
It has the tone of stand-up comedy.
I noticed no technical issues to mar the read. You're a good writer and this is an enjoyable piece.
Well done!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1023663 by Not Available.
This is very well written! It held my interest well and I can already see the scene and these two characters. The plot is known, and it's a good one.
Gilbert leaned back, his fingers linked and resting on his corpulent mid-section.
her sleek, black hair streaming behind her as she clicked her fingernails.
These are wonderful images! The characters can be seen clearly through these actions. Good writing!
I noticed nothing technically wrong at all, and the story is beginning with interest. It's a bit short to give real feedback, but what you have is very good.
I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review"
Wow, an intense thriller! Good beginning!
I will suggest you slow this down, back up and fill in the details a bit slower, though. You kind of rushed all the important information.
Especially her parents. Would they really tell her all this in the first minute? They know she is a apy too. Shouldn't they wait to be sure of her loyalty to them? I can see why she sitting there dazed, I am too.
Seriously, you have a good theme going, it has lots of good tension and action and it certainly held my attention. I think you're heading in the right direction with your writing.
I noticed a few typos that you will find when you do a slow read, aloud. You'll find that is a good way to hear the story with new ears.
It would be more reader friendly with a few more spaces. The text is packed in pretty tight right now.
I found your request for feedback
on "Please Review"
This is an interesting theme, but I feel it needs more work. It's way too vague to be an enjoyable read. That's only my opinion, of course, but you did ask.
I make notes as I read and my comments are at the end.
She could tell from the vacant look on my face.
He won't know his face looks vacant, only she will know that.
I wasted so much time. I’ve taken for granted all the wonderful things that are around me. I’ve lived through books
He had been attending law school, correct? He hadn't been out running around. The books were school books; he was not living through fantasy or fiction books. This just seems to be an odd thing for him to say.
had been living my life blind to what was right in front of me.
Clarity is needed. What had he been blind to? The beauty of life?
My thoughts.
I know you're attempting to keep his problem a secret, but it doesn't work well. I naturally thought he was having a mental breakdown from the pressures of school.
The scene in the shower is especially well done. It was clear and showed very real emotion.
Why did he immediately go to the shower instead of calling a doctor? That doesn't make sense to me. A doctor was never mentioned, but breakfast was enjoyed? Not realistic.
Why didn't he click on the light switch at least once? He could have opened the blinds. It would give a hint of the problem and the readers would be able to figure out the rest a little better.
It good to let readers use their own imagination sometimes, but they need to know they're on the same page. Let them use their imagination in deciding what a character looks like, or what he's wearing. The plot is entirely yours to show and it's up to you to pull them in tight.
I know this story is two and a half years old and it's been well received, so my opinion is in the minority. I truly think it would be stronger if the readers were let in on the problem earlier and it was handled more realistically.
I don't like him to feel he's wasted the time he spent on education. That is so sad, and not too inspirational for me.
I hope the feedback is what you wanted. You didn't specify anything in particular.
I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review"
I chose to read this only because it was written for a fourth grader to deliver at school.
Things must have drastically changed from my time. Students used to be required to write their own papers.
This is well written, but it is entirely an Opinion. I suggest changing the genre from Education to Opinion to keep it correct.
This is much too sophisticated for a fourth-grader to speak about. Some of the vocabulary is above their comprehension, as are the ideas.
This begins as an essay of the use of media, which is a good theme for this age, but quickly turns into a rant and bashing of the President.
I'm going to rate this as average because it is an opinion piece. Personally, I don't think it wise to to try to convince children how to think. They should hear all sides and learn to make up their own minds. That's the way to teach them to make good adult decisions.
I also think they should research and prepare their own material for essays.
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