I hear the emotion of anger strongly in these words.
I like the form you've used. The short lines feel intense. I noticed some spelling issues that are pulling the reader away from the meaning of the writing though. Once those are fixed, it will sound much better.
The emotions of geting your heartbroken by a crush
--getting--
Heart ack
I'm not sure what you meant here unless it is --ache--
saddnes --sadness--
But your just a stupid crush
--you're-- for you are.
Crushes are practice so you'll know the real thing
when it comes along.
You've done a very good job with this scene! It's exciting and it held my attention with suspense.
I noticed a few things for you, but they don't take away too much from the enjoyment of the read.
a dense cloud of dust rose
as fine dust descended onto his head
The dust is described simply, but is so clear I can smell it. Sometimes, simple is better. Good job!
partly covering the spot he’d been working at
Ending a line with --at--is bad grammar. lol. It makes the line sound awkward. It can simply be removed, ending the line at --working. It's still clear.
‘Can I help from inside?’
‘Nah man, enjoy the break.’
Is this logical? He won't be used to cave-ins since he generally doesn't go out like this. He should have some sort of fear reaction. I think he would be scrambling to clear the entrance instead of asking if he could. The boss may order him to sit still to avoid further damage. That would give him the chance to discover the tablet.
Thomas turned and looked at where he had been working.
This is awkward to read. Can you say the same thing differently?
Curious, he carefully chipped away the rock until he could read the first line.
I didn't realize archaeologists became surious at times like this. I thought they became extreamly excited. What about, to bring a bit of emotion in, it began with, --Excited, he carefully...---
back against the wall as he pulled the lantern closer to make reading easier.
This bolded area could be cut safely. It's wordy and 'telling'. Readers will know why he pulled it closer.
he lied calmly
I wondered why he decided to lie, what is he thinking of doing? I think this is a detail important enough to explain.
‘You’ve done well and been very patient
At this point I began hearing the voice of a spirit. I didn't know I was reading the tablet. Make it clear he is reading, italics would help do that.
react the light reached the stone surface of the tablet
This word isn't necessary. Reader know it's stone. Be aware of overtelling and wordiness. They bog down the read if it happens too often.
misfortune will be yours
Good! This leaves the chapter in suspense. Will there be more or do the readers use their imaginations at this point? Either way works, but the story isn't quite finished. The Title hasn't been addressed yet. I saw no consequences. The Brief Description says Tom has a change of attitude, but he hasn't yet.
Hit the enter key after each para to leave a space. The page will look neater and it will be easier to read.
A good job; a little more writing and editing and it'll be done.
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"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
Another poem on death. You're pretty good with the subject. The message is clear, and Iagree we don't take time to enjoy life as much as we could, but, sometimes we do.
I noticed only a couple of things.
It’s funny how were living to die,
This is awkward to me. There is either a subject missing that goes with --were-- (Who was?) or this is actually --we're--.
And desert what they really need
This line doesn't sound good to my ears. It may be the word --really--I don't know.
You've still written a piece that was enjoyable to read. I really like the last three lines. It says it all. Good job!
I found this on the Public Review page and the mention of reviewers in the comments caught my eye.
It's a well written piece and it was clear. I always enjoy reading these personal pieces.
I usually don't comment on commas because I use them too much myself. I did notice a few places though, that you could take them out for a smoother flowing line.
I'm thankful, you're thankful{/n}
But so that I can create,
A poem
Both of these lines are each actually one sentence. You don't want the reader to pause at the commas, but read it in one breath. They can be removed safely.
And so there's never a best rhyme,
I wanted to say --tho--or --though--at this spot. What do you think of changing this word? To me, it makes more sense.
As I will try to for you.
Consider the word --be--. What do you think?
--as I will be for you--
You've a pretty good beginning here. You've introduced Kevin well. I can see him physically and have an idea of his personality.
I don't know the theme or the direction this will go yet, the next chapter will reveal that I expect.
I noticed a few things you might want to take care of before too many readers take notice of them.
How do I love thee? Let thee count the ways...-Elizabeth Browning
The word should be Let--me--
also beacause he was always cutting jokes on my with his best friend
Spelling is --because--and the next is a typo only.
--me--
I don't know what it is, but there is just this one special thing that makes me love him
I think if you showed the readers what that special thing was, it would catch their attention better. Pull them into the story. Details are what makes a story work. Surely she knows why she loves him?
tells me that there is somebody out there for me than him.
There is a word missing here. The thought isn't clear. for me --other--than him.--would work.
b} Frakly, I am getting
I have the riht to choose
Spelling is --right--
I look forward to reading the next chapter, this could go in any direction at this point.
Hello, Moriel Schottlender
Welcome to Writing.Com!
You've some good lines in this piece. They sound good alone and together. The problem for me is the message is too vague for understanding. Even using the genres, I can't connect the words to see what you intended the reader to see.
It's written well, as there are no typos. I am only one reader, I'm sure others will understand the message. Perhaps once I know what this represents, I will be able to see it clearly. If so, I will be glad to change my rate.
I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" need of indepth, detailed reviews
I enjoyed reading this story. It was easy to read and moved along fairly well.
I hope the feedback helps.
The sentences beginning with the word --He--are numerous. Fifteen - I noticed them by the second paragraph and they interfere with the reading. They pull the reader away and prevent some concentration on the story.
He picks up one of her table chairs to throw at the wall as well.
I suggest changing --table--to --kitchen chairs--for smoothness.
I also suggest this phrase be cut to avoid 'telling' and wordiness. The phrase left would feel more 'tender' in my opinion. I also think cutting it will help show his emotion the way you intended. I'll try to explain below.
Blood, from his feet, mixes with the water, but he doesn’t even notice.
A wordy word. It isn't needed, readers can see he isn't noticing anything at this point.
I don't feel the emotion the way it's intended. I feel he is destroying what she loved - on purpose. I know grief is shown in many strange ways, but he is going overboard with things she particulary enjoyed. It turns my sympathy away from him.
If he picked up the chair as if to hug it because she sat in it, or she loved it, it would be a loving act. If a sweet memory was shown at this point, before he smashed it, it would help. It would be understandable. To pick it up only to smash it is not. It's like he didn't want it in the first place and now he's getting rid of it. Do you see what I mean? She loved the yellow, he put a hole through it, she worked to put up the pots, he pulled them down; etc.
but him and her kitchen.
This is a big reason for why I don't feel his sorrow. Everything was hers Why doesn't he think in terms of our kitchen, our things
I can feel his anger very well, but I can't tell clearly who it is directed to. In my mind, it's directed at her. I know that's not what you intended.
Her sweet voice fills his head. Her big, smoky gray eyes look at him with excitement. His mind begins to mist over.
This is the only place he shows a bit of how he felt about her. There are the words --despair-- and vulnerability--that try to pull the readers sympathy toward him, but don't quite succeed.
Let the readers get inside his head to see and feel his loving memories. All I see is rage and it's scary, not sad. I see a mean man. I need to know why breaking her things is helpful to his sorrow.
The short sentences are good to show the tenseness. They are like quick heartbeats. Good job there.
I don't know if I'm the only reader who has mentioned this, I probably am.
The writing is good, it was interesting and it held my attention all the way. I just had a different view of the character's personality than you intended. But, it was strong and vital.
Which leaves me in a quandry of how to rate this. I see a good ' bad guy', and a bad 'good guy' --
I hope this helps in some way. At least it's detailed. lol
I found this poem and decided to read it. I thought it was pretty funny. The rhythm is off and the subject is really not too interesting. The imagery is good though.
You've done a pretty good job, technically, as I noticed no spelling errors or typos.
The message is clear enough, but I really didn't care, because it didn't hold my interest anyway.
I hope you're enjoying the site.
It really is pretty funny.
I was going to rate it higher but thought I'd better check the port. Glad I did. You'd better make a note that it's for a bad poetry contest or your rates won't be low.
Good job!
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Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #778388 by Not Available.
This is so realistic it is true horror. The feelings and the imagery caught me up tight as could be. Wonderful writing.
There is no technical issues at all, no typos. It's an all-round perfect piece. What a story this would make.
I can't pick out one or two lines as examples of good description, I would have to highlight it all. The characters are real and can be seen. They are as real as anyone could make them.
I can feel the hopeless resignation of the child, and the pure evilness of dad.
I found your request for serious, in-depth feedback
on "Please Review"
I've had the story for a couple of days so some of these issues may have been fixed already.
This is good! Tenseness is present and keeps the reader on the edge of the seat. It stays interesting all the way and the emotion is real. The setting is clearly seen. You're doing a good job with it.
The two male characters are described perfectly.
My feedback is offered in help, and the rate reflects the issues I found.
The beginning half of the work is very heavy with descriptions. They are good, but everything introduced is described in several ways and it becomes dragging and slow. It becomes wordy and takes away from the fear the readers should feel.
teeth and inhaling sharply as he back muscles shrieked in protest
Typo only--
Tears sprang to her eyes and scalded her cheeks as they traced a clean path down her cheeks
To avoid repeating --cheek--so close, this could be cut. It's obvious the path is on her cheeks.
The dancing notes disappeared as a form filled the doorway
--A typo--
mucous which her then spat to a corner of the room where
--A typo--
burying her in his massive shadow. She curled herself into a ball and murmured no, no, no over and over again and again. The mountains shadow fell over her
Repeating the phrase isn't too good. A bit of 'overtelling' I think. Not necessary.
another ball of mucous from his sinuses and hawked it into his palm which he then proceeded to smear deep
A little wordy. --You could cut these three words and use --smeared deep--
into the now reddened flesh between her legs. With the now sufficient lubrication
Wordy. These little unnecessary words slow down the read and pull the reader out of the tenseness. Keep it as tight as possible when you want them to feel the suspense and fear.
Edging in just a bit he balled up his fish tans lamed it into her stomach again.
--Typos--
Her scream choked on itself as her crushed
--he--
like away from the jet of water. The stream faltered for a moment and then followed. Nasal pitched cackling chased the jet of water as she scrabbled for protection from the water.
Too many repeats. Rework to cut them.
in a corner and tucking her faced into her chest, covering her head with her arms.
This should be --tucked--
She no longer wore even the tattered shift and her
This word isn't necessary for clarity, and could be cut safely.
She curled dripping in the corner after the water disappeared
This whole para is good. The descriptions bring it to life and it's tight!
She looked the pills and then the sustenance and then back into the imposing
A missing word. --looked at the--
Shimmy buzzed backward and stumbled but kept his footing. He smiled at the giant, leering yellowed teeth.
Since -leering--commonly applies to a look from the eyes, this caused me to stumble.
She squinted and shifted and one of the pills rolled against her thigh. She looked and grabbed up the pills.
The urgency of 'grabbing' made me think she was developing a plan. She wasn't. Just hungry?
settled for leaning against the wall with her knees bent and her legs lying flat, one atop the other
I find it difficult to see this. How can her legs lie flat when her knees are bent?
A breadful of beans was partway to her lips when she heard The Giants breath come
Is this word correct? Or did you intend --spoonfull--?
acquired so far. She started to shake as she remembered other assaults upon
Do you think --begin--would sound better?
thinking about what she was eating and soon she was scrapping the bottom of the can with the plastic spoon.
Spelling is --scraping--
She alternated various positions to relieve the pressure on her bladder the sundry other wounds on her body
A word is missing
and tried to recall the previous events.
#####
The April morning air was crisp and bright outside her bedroom
You could use something to show this is flashbacking. Simply centering ##### is good.
She giggled and got her arms our just in time to hug him back
A typo
she had the box in her lap. She had to scoot her chair back to accommodate the box.
the word -box- appears six times in this short paragraph. It appears five times in the pendant para. Too much overtelling.
“Pull behind the van and drive.” He pulled her ear to his leathery lips against and whispered above the wind. “
The words are out of order. --against his leathery lips--
His noses, small and thin save for the bulbous nostrils which flared like twin cave openings
He has only one nose. Remove the --s--
“Do you think I’m pretty?” His words slithered around his jaundiced teeth and hung before her like a threat.
Good line! Fearful!
and looked into his eyes. “No I don’t. I think you’re disgusting and cruel and quite an ugly little man.”
I like the bravery she's showing here, but I don't believe it. I wondered why she didn't act when she had a chanch, when there were other people around. To say this now, when they are alone is just stupid of her. She has my sympathy for her plight, but not because she's brave.
his gaze. Then she felt a sharp stick in her neck where his other hand rested. The gun jammed deeper into her flesh as she felt the
I suggest the word --prick--for a more descriptive word. I visualized a wooden stick.
She slumped over the gung and his arm. He tee-heed again.
Did you mean --gunk--or --dung? Or is this a new slang word?
His thick callused fingers gripped her face tightly and he penetrated his gaze into hers. “Do you want to live?”
This is a new scene. Separate with more --#####-- to let the readers know.
his car. She felt is hands probe her numerous wounds with skilled precision and
A typo
His hands left her and she felt the reverberation of the trunk closing and he returned to her. His voice dripped
Unnecessary telling. Readers will know he returned when he opens the door. too many --ands-
Hey laughed lightly. “We’ll just go with Cara.”
A typo --should be --He--
“That’s okay…there will be time for that shortly. I will say though, that with all that’s been done to you that I can see it’s amazing that they didn’t touch your face.”
You will notice the obvious issue here. Stay aware of too many repeats with all words. As you edit, keep reading aloud - slowly. You'll begin to hear them.
and she shut her eyes to it. Here ears ignored the continual platitudes he offered
A typo
She had to work up a bit of saliva and asked again, louder. “What day is it?”
She did this same thing everytime she wanted to speak. It's lost the imagery it had the first time.
The story is good. It's tense and scary, a horrible theme.
I am left with a another question now that I've finished this. Why was her mother crying and what does the brand mean? Why does she have the birthmark? Why was she given the pendant? Did the parents know this was going to happen?
The occult genre convinces me she was sold to the devil by the parents.
The Title hints at a different type of ending. Will there be another chapter, I hope?
The ending was good, not unexpected, but good.
I know what the (doctor's) business is, and it went as I suspected from the beginning.
I truly enjoyed this read, you're a fantastic writer with imagination. Polishing and shining through editing will bring this to life. It should be publishable when finished.
"Invalid Entry"
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You've truly written a Wow! piece here. It's good!
The descriptive words you've chosen show the scene with perfect clarity. The emotion is strong and pulls the reader along. The tone is calm, but sad. Maybe, resigned.
The character is seen well, physically. I really couldn't get a good sense of her age. It says 'young' and 'tiny hands' but I don't see a tiny child, I see an older girl that could be any age. I think it's because of the calmness of her actions, that she seems older.
I don't need to know how she got here, I don't think I want to know. This is enough.
I have nothing but praise for this write, honestly.
I do suggest you add space between each paragraph to improve the look of the page and make it easier on your readers eyes.
I noticed no typos or any other issues to mar the read. I'm surprised you've had to wait a week for this to be read. We're ususally right on top of them. This must have been an especially busy week.
A good opening! It grabs the attention quickly and makes the reader want to read on to find out what happened to these boys.
This chapter covers the background information needed for the coming story. It's clear and understandable. You've done a good job describing how they got to where they are now, and keeping it interesting.
I hope the feedback is helpful and is what you needed.
Joseph put Ben’s frozen corpse on his shoulders
This surprised me, how did it become frozen? The weather wasn't shown to be that cold. It was only raining.
about being attacked by a gang hills men.
This doesn't read smoothly, it's awkward. The words could be switched around. Like; --a gang of men from the hills--
mixed the journal up with one of his school books and found out the real cause of his father’s death. Word spread quickly across the castle, that Joseph had killed Ben.
Why don't you try the word --discovered--in place of --found out--? It gives a little stronger description.
I don't do punctuation, but the comma after --castle--isn't needed. You have others in the wrong place too, but this is the only one I'll mention.
A thunderstorm, just as dark and gloomy like the one night Ben died, took course
A little wordy. It can be tightened by trimming some extra words. --just--can be cut safely. --like--can be changed to --as--
--one--can be cut. It would say the same thing. Read it aloud without these words and you decide.
Joseph pulled the sword free and slowly inched his way out of the bank. With one last groan, he pulled himself out of the water. {c:red|
He inched his way --toward--the bank, or --to--the bank--not out of it.
The village I lived in was given the name Hoobasa - evil. We were called the Hoobasas. People thought we still wanted to get rid of Andrew - well some of us did. We left Janue, after Andrew banished us from the kingdom. Shortly after we left, I was born.
This jerked me out of the story. How can he give all this background if he wasn't there?
Show them being banished from Junue and founding the new village in the right order. Tell it according to his mother. She was banished, etc. not --us--or --we--. I thought his baby training was being done in Junue. Move all of that to after the readers know where they live. First the banishment of the mother, then the village info. if needed, then the baby training. All in the right sequence.
Who was acting King during these ten years? I assumed it was Joseph. It isn't important to the story though, I was only curious.
they wouldn’t tell mom
This sounds too modern for this story. What about using --Mother-- to keep it from bumping?
The Brief Description is especially catchy. It is what caught my attention and hooked me in.
It's a good beginning, it really is. The rate reflects an above average, unfinished draft with a few problems. The story is interesting and I look forward to reading the next installment. The rate will be changed as the work is edited and polished.
You do not have to change anything unless you think it will work better. You know more about the work than I do, okay?
You've written a wonderful piece here! It reads smoothly, and the rhythm allow the words to flow well. The tone is sad, with strong emotion. The reader is pulled in well. No distractions or bumps. No technical issues, No typos.
Well, I can see the character you're developing, but I don't see him as tech-support. I see him as a mechanic. He's big and rough and cranky. Or a truck driver. And he shouldn't have ash-blond hair. It isn't him.
I see tech-supporters as quiet and slender, with ash-blond hair. They might wear Dockers and some sort of tee-shirt. Sandals or slip-ons. They also love computers and would never violently jig and yank with his screwdriver,
Do they really use screwdrivers for anything except removing the side cover? I didn't know that, but I don't work on them, so I'm lost with knowing of their tools.
his podgy forehead
Did you mean --pudgy--as in fat?
with a large callous hand,
--calloused--
and was careful not to stick the screwdriver in. Again.
It needs to be made clear it's his eye you're talking about. --in it--would work,
he backward crawled out and heaved himself up.
This is switched and reads awkwardly.
--crawled out backwards--would work better.
Tech Support, Screw you”, and impatiently held out a piece of pink paper.
I like this, it made me laugh.
I hope this helps and it's what you wanted. Are we going to get to read the story soon? I hope so.
This character can be seen and heard clearly, but honestly, he doesn't sound or look like tech-support to me.
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