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Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello, Hopkin Green Frog

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Good writing! My emotions ran the gambit with this one. I thought it was going to be for children because of Santa, then I quickly saw it wasn't. It's a horror tale among the finest I've read.

The descriptions of emotion and character are so well done they pull the reader in and won't let go.

I was transfixed, frozen in horror as this foul thing

and so was I! *Laugh*

I hope you know how good a write this is.
Well done!

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Mr Brightside

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Good opening, it sure caught my attention!

On darkened paths amongst the twilight
A startled writer does take swift flight

I love this image! You've written a wonderful piece here, it was a joy to read. It's smooth with clear images; the message is clear. You've done a totally good job!

Enjoy the site!


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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, arch

Welcome to Writing.Com!

sorry about the words - I forgot to erase them before sending the review. *Smile* They are 13+

This is good writing! It's humorous and easy to read. The imagery, setting and emotions are clear.

The characters are acting true to life and don't feel like animals at all.

It seems Mama Bear is assuming a lot, counting her revenge before it's hatched, so to speak.

A great story all the way through.
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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, arch darned - ass

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is good writing! It's humorous and easy to read. The imagery, setting and emotions are clear.

The characters are acting true to life and don't feel like animals at all.

It seems Mama Bear is assuming a lot, counting her revenge before it's hatched, so to speak. *Laugh*

A great story all the way through.

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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello, Joe Mayers

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" 

I read this a couple of times and spent time on it, trying to make my feedback as helpful as possible. I hope it helps.

who will never see this misunderstanding as anything outside of maliced mischief.

---malice--

In fact, it is only an innocent curiosity that has...

This sentence is so long, it's difficult to read and understand.

The beginning paragraphs are not hooking the reader. They don't pull the readers in quickly with suspense or curiosity.

You see, throughout my entire life I had never witnessed death

This is redundant. Simplify by removing --entire--

Whether it be accredited to soft upbringings or purely luck in life, never once had demise crossed my path.

Change --be--to --is---
--a soft upbringing--add the word --a--and remove the --s--

--Whether it is accredited to a soft upbringing--

Such a crusade is un-heard of, this cannot be argued

one word --unheard--

window everyday, and it was my firm belief that somewhere throughout all the crowd I could

two words here. --every day--

that somewhere throughout all the crowd I could

--crowds-- because you have the word --all--.

but above the crowd bounced the glistened the brilliance of a fishing hook.

Needs reworking.

==grim of spotlights onto a croupy cough or one under the decrepit domination of age, ===
== He jumped to his feet with a look of supreme delight glowing across his already bright face==

Too many prepositional phrases in a row are hard to read and understand. They cause wordy and boring writing.

which earlier possessed the glow youth now radiated with the redness of fear

A word is missing here. --glow of youth--

A tiny hand was all that remained above the water's surface

This sentence is very long.

Loads of white foamy water were spilling recklessly onto what remained of the shaky establishment, staining the faded wood to a temporarily dark deep brown

The wordiness throughout the piece hampers the ease of reading. Lines like this could be simplified for better clarity.

The writing style in this piece can be called --Verbosity--I can see you love words and use them whenever you can. Don't forget your story though. Make each word count. Clarity should be the number one goal, economy of words the second.

It's a first class horror theme. For example:

His struggle began to weaken with exhaustion as he stared deeply into my eyes, questioning my lack of action with the most desperate look imaginable as his cries for help slowly faded away.

I can feel the boy's fear and confusion through his desperate look into the eyes. That's good. But, by using so many more words than necessary the horror disappears.

The writing calls attention to itself rather than to the storyline. In other words, you're trying too hard, especially with the descriptions. You're making each phrase too showy in itself and the readers have to work too hard to keep their minds on the story. I know this will probably offend and I'm sorry. You don't have to change a thing on my suggestion. I'm being as honest as I can because I know you truly want to know. There is no excitement or suspense. No emotion. The reader is unable to become involved. The cause, in my opinion, is the excessive wordiness.

The only place I feel sorrow and horror is the scene above where I mentioned the boys eyes. That scene haunts me, it will stay with me a while.

I think if you go through and cut all extra words to make it as tight as possible, the horror will shine through clearly. It is definitely worth it.

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Review of The Fog  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, Daniel Alan DuGalle

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is very good! I enjoy reading these practice pieces and I look for them especially. They point me toward serious writers. *Smile* Even with no dialogue, this moves right along quickly and is easy to understand.

The imagery and tone of this is almost perfect. It is a true joy to read.

He started to run from the fog, and as he ran the fog rolled

I suggest cutting these bolded words to avoid wordiness. The reason for this act will be obvious to the readers.

One thing I noticed was the word --started--. It was overused. I know you probably know how useful the Thesaurus can be, look through and try to find another word for a few of these. I can think of --begin--began--commenced--. A variety is usually best because readers notice an oft used word.

Another was --the fog--. Once you're sure the readers understand what the danger is, back off from naming it again. (too often) Look at how many times the phrase appears and you'll see what I mean. You can say simply --it--a few times.

Add space after each paragraph for a neater, easier to read page. Just hit the enter key after each.

eyes darted nervously around looking for something to protect him

the fog was coming closer, and tendrils of the fog rolled out

The clopping of horse hooves on cobblestone soon followed, so loud

These lines in blue are examples of what I think are wonderful images. They are clear, strong and can be seen and heard. Good writing!

While you're in Edit, put a rate on this so more readers can find it. A 13+ will fit because of the hint of violence and blood. *Smile*

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Review of Valentines Tears  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, BABYGIRL

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a sweet love story, and it's written pretty clearly. It's more 'telling' than 'showing', but it's enjoyable to read.

Dana couldn’t see much of anything through her tears.

I suggest working on the opening sentence a bit more. Perhaps saying something about --blurry eyes--would 'show' more than tell, what do you think?

She felt so overwhelmed and angry that she screamed out, cried and hit the steering wheel.

This is good, and it's realistic. Everyone can see this action.

The more stress she was under from work and the kids made her mood even worse than normal

I think --extra--stress would read smoother.
Also, changing --from--to --at work--would work.

It was Valentines Day and the casino was packed.

Instead of telling the readers it was packed, you could show them by having to weave through the crowds.

I like the final scene. The setting is clear and romantic. You've done a good job with it.

Using a bit of dialogue usually helps make emotion stronger, in my opinion. It makes the characters real and brings them to life. If you have trouble with dialogue, I suggest you practice and read items about and with dialogue. You might find it isn't that difficult to do. *Smile*

The main problem is telling the story instead of showing it to the readers.

The theme is clear and it reads easily. My rate reflects my comments. I hope the feedback is helpful.


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Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hello, Athena Dragon

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You're working on a good story here, I liked it. I've left some comments and I hope they are helpful.

The sun high with in a cloudless sky tossed its beams to

This is one word --within--, but I think using --in--alone would sound better.

A rider on the road traveled home after years of battle,

If these bolded words were cut you would be avoiding wordiness and 'over-telling'. Readers will assume he's -on the road-. The sentence would still be complete and clear.

he could smell the sweet grass in the air mingled with fresh bread

Good imagery! I can smell this too.

“Dragon.” A voice cried out from a tower on the town’s white wall.

This whole paragraph shows the scene with good imagery! The reader is pulled in with tension.

Only thing is he could not tell the made up stories from the true ones. They all seemed so fanciful and hard to believe.

This made me pause and wonder. It seems odd that he'd never encountered a dragon in all his years of soldiering - and he thinks them fanciful. Are they now rarely seen?

he was the only one best suited to make sure his daughter did not fall to

How can he know that? He hasn't been home in years - there may be a fantastic dragon fighter inside the walls. This sounds more arrogant than heroic - is he a bit of both? That's okay, just make sure readers see him as you intended.

Like a dragon fly it hovered over the city, its wing beats creating their own wind and shaking the air so hard he could feel it beats in his throat.

--it's beats--
Who is the --he--here? The dragon or the soldier? It sounds like the dragon, but I think you meant the soldier. I may be wrong.

looked skyward to the dragon as it sucked back it head.

This is an awkward image to see. I can see it --drawing back it's head--and sucking air. But, not this.

An older version of the girl he once remembered, a girl

This word isn't necessary and sounds awkward. He still remembers her.

as he could toward her, he starred into her eyes feeling sorry he could not have

Spelling is --stared--you have this again somewhere.

daughter he smiled, for form moving in slow motion. Her fingers reached out to

I think you intended to write --her--form

Her mouth curled into a scream as she was towed away from him. Like a scene etched into stone her look of fear

This is good showing! Good imagery!
This reader isn't thinking too highly of the soldier's competence of protecting his daughter at this point. Even I knew he shouldn't have called out to her, it would draw the dragon's attention. She would be safer behind stone walls. He's not a hero yet.

stopping him. Eye shouting like darts he glared at what had a hold of his leg

Did you mean --shooting--?

“What do you know of my daughter? Speak it or I shall end you.” The dagger

The damok only knows as much as the reader at this point. He saw the same image we did. There is no purpose to the soldier reacting this way. I suggest adding a few more words to damok's dialogue to make it clear he knows more about her. Give the soldier a reason to attack him.

Edwald locked eyes with the man. Something screamed from with in them, the cries of his last victim echoing like the replay of a story. The sight

This is one word. --within--
I can't tell whose eyes show whose 'last victim' - the soldier's or the damok's?

Edwald had on him. Edwald throw the man to the ground releasing his grip as he

Spelling is --threw--

A group of citizens stood around watching, their eyes focused on him and their faces in shook from what they beheld

Spelling is --shock--

“They took her to the mountains.”
“Why?’ his shout made the creature jump.
“I do not know…they...they only said to make sure you understood.” He damok

There is nothing here to be understood, he was told nothing. The mountains is a huge area. Maybe a few more details?

“And who is they?” Edwald heard the crowd move closer to him

This doesn't seem to be his dialect, but an error. --should be --who- are -they?--

captain of the guards.

“Edwald lower your weapon.”

“The dragon took my daughter or did you not see?” He said loudly to make sure he heard him over the murmuring of the crowd.

Put a space between each new speaker's line of dialogue. Also hit the enter key after each paragraph. It will look neater and be much easier to read. The format is important too.

guard had to say. They where taking the side of the damok over him?

Spelling is --were--

damok over him? The hand disappeared form his shoulder

Spelling or typo --from--you have this several times throughout the piece.

Time is being lost, I must find her.” Edwald gasped.

--gasped--is a good choice here. It gives a tone of despair and sadness.

I almost feel sorry for him in this scene. I wish they'd let him get his information. It makes me definitely want to read on. *Laugh*

A good ending to the chapter! Wow, it became intense there. Good imagery and emotion.

You also need to work on the punctuation or get a good editor. The lack of it really hampers the smooth reading.

You've a good beginning. It's caught me in well and I want to read more.

Good writing!

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Review of Helluland  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, SWP

Welcome to Writing.Com!

What a beautiful theme this is! The thoughts are indeed spiritual. People don't take time to do this anymore, and it's sad.

I found the writing needs a bit of work to make each line easily understood. Some lines are worded awkwardly.

valley of the most surprising and profusely treasure of its fertility

This line is not easily understood. I know you're saying the valley's treasure is the profuse fertility of its soil. The fruits grown there are magnificient. I suggest you continue to work with it to make the meaning clear.

rivers that rage or gently meander, trees shimmering in the breeze with sunlight.

This is wonderful imagery! A very relaxing sight.

Each mountain seemed to have its inner form,

All surrounded on all sides by steep and rocky mountains

This image isn't clear. I think you intend to show the valley surrounded on all sides by mountains, but you actually said; --each mountain--is surrounded on all sides by mountains.-- It will be a good image when you're finished working with it.

the echoes were answering back with resonant Divine powers full of high energies

Good job!

Body melting slowly with nature, a real tremendous

Did you mean --melting--? as ice melts? I thought you might have intended to use --melding--instead. (The body blends - combines - becoming one)
--melding-- with nature. Maybe?

I enjoyed reading this, you've some very good thoughts presented. I look forward to reading this again after a while.

You forgot to rate this when it was created. An E rate is good. More members will find it if it's rated. You can do that in Edit when you work on the rest of it.

Keep practicing. It's not easy moving your clear thoughts into the right words, but you will.


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Review of A Lie  
Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello, Katie

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a well written scene. It isn't a complete story, but the scene is good.

The sky was gray and heavy and a few drops of rain were beginning to fall

This is a good, clear view. Well done!

I can feel the Mother's worry and concern clearly. Both characters act realistically and are easy to see.

and tried to concentrate on the falling raindrops than what was eating me up inside.

This is a good image - it's realistic. I think you've used real feelings and actions in this piece, they are perfect!
The bolded area is a bit awkward. Try adding the word --rather--than --see if it reads smoother to you.

Separate each line of dialogue with a space for a neater page. When all the text is squshed up together, it's not easy to read.

I'm considering this a practice write and I believe you did a good job with the elements of description and emotion. Well done!

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Review of The way to spring  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Jozhik

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a wonderful story! It's interesting, easy to read and moves along quickly.

The descriptions show the imagery clearly and the emotion is felt. The dialog is realistic.

I found no issues to hamper the read, I liked it.

He wanted to pick the flower, but Jozhik told him:

This actually caused tension in this reader - I hoped he would not pick it.

This short story was fun to read.
You're a good writer, I can undestand your wife asking for a story. *Smile*


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Review of Hills  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, wtr

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I like this! It's very good. It could be listed under Philosophy.

my gaze rigidly stuck to the ground just in front of my feet.

This gives me the image of someone who is continally looking for more and never takes the time to be still and see what he already has. A good descriptive line!

The message is clear, it only needs editing and polishing now.

Place a space after each paragraph for a neater, more professional look to the format. Also, some of the lines have shortened when it was pasted in. Those need to be fixed.

The magnificance I had admired before had left,
---magnificence--This word is used twice - both need fixing.

Thinkingly i shut my eyes and see.

Always use the capital --I--when it is used as a single word.
I suggest using --Thoughtfully-- for a smoother sound.

All I want is thing I know nothing of.
This line needs work. Maybe, --a thing-- or --things---It is awkward this way.

My time blurs into a consistancy of opression.
---consistency-- and ---oppression--

A fog bank rolls over. Light mist at first, becoming heavy, dense and isolating.
Another example of good description that also shows the character's state of mind.

This is a good beginning that only needs a little cleaning up.

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Review of Promote That Book  
Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Viv,

Another helpful newsletter with tons of great tips and advice on promoting your books.

You're right, no one is more involved in the process of selling the book than the author, it's a lot of work but necessary labor. Those that slack off here won't make it.

esprit

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Review of The Day Pigs Fly  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hello, Elana Jefferson

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" 

This doesn't have a tone of comedy to me. I found the tone in each scene to be sarcastic and cruel. Since it's listed under comedy I suggest you work on that aspect some more.

“Don’t lie to your sister, you hear me?” he screamed

The tone shows cruelty well. The image of his action is good and clear. I don't know if your intention was to show a cruel father, but it does, very well.

Her mother and father shared worried looks.
I wanted to have sympathy toward the parents with this line, but the quick temper took it away.

I can't tell the purpose of the write so I don't know what kind of feedback you're looking for.

It isn't a story. It could be the outline of one though. Each scene is separate with nothing to tie the story together coherently. The pigs and Christmas are included in each, but it isn't enough.

The dialog of John and Sylvia is too crude to be entertaining.

If Santa had remembered Mike, I would have liked that scene the best. It is more descriptive and emotional than the others. It would make a fine short story by itself. Good writing here!

It stretched skyward, seeming endless, an incredible monument of pink and brown

Who built the monument so quickly? It's already built by the time the reporters began asking Henry questions. How did Henry become the one they talked to? The farmer actually owned the pigs, why didn't they talk to him instead?

If details were used to fill in the 'Why' and 'How' it would be clearer.

His inmate, a gang leader, stirred and got up
You want --cellmate--

Each scene is well written, and the emotion can be seen and felt by the reader. I know the phrase 'when pigs fly' is supposed to be the glue to tie them together but it just isn't working for me.

Perhaps if you could spend more time on the pigs, showing How and Why they flew, it would clarify the story.

Keep writing. I can see pretty good storytelling abilities in these words.


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Review of Cursed Planet  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, Trivia Ither

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a good beginning! I like sci-fi, and enjoyed reading this first chapter.

Beginning with action and mystery is a good hook to keep the readers turning the pages.

I have a couple of suggestions, but not on the theme. It's good.

I stepped out of the shuttle and took a deep breath. The lab on this planet was sparsely furnished with personal comforts. This was a science lab on a newly discovered planet.

And it was here I would call my home for the next five years.

Cutting all the bolded would give your opening line more tension. The rest is unecessary info at this point. What do you think?

It had a crusty orange soil, if you could call it that.

This only raises questions in the readers. If it isn't soil, what is it? Make it clear. It had a crusty orange soil. period --yes it did! Readers can now see it clearly and not wonder about it. I suggest cutting the bolded line.

a seeming frown on his face.

This is passive writing - if you're unsure, the readers will be unsure too. Not a good habit to get into. Be positive of the frown. He had a frown on his face. Yes, he definitely did. *Smile*

You've left this chapter well, giving the readers something to think about and curious enough to read on. I want to find out why the landscape between the areas is so drastically different. I want to know how the strange cloud affects the others. Good job!

You're doing well!

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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, Redtowrite

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I like this idea a lot, good fiction stuff!
You've done a good job with stating the story, now it needs some details to flesh the story out and bring it to life. Some strong emotion in certain areas will help pull the readers in to make them love Julianne and sympathize with her.

At the moment there is more attention put on the box than the character. The box is important to show how the character grows, but she needs to be built up too. She's changing too fast. Let's hear her thoughts as she enters new areas. Bring her to life.

Julianne losses her love to death
Spelling typo in the Brief Description --loses--

The bold dragons on top are vibrant emerald green jewels with ebony and pearl inlay

You're good at descriptions! These are wonderfully clear images.

Julianne knew she held the emotional keys.

Readers will want to know how she knows this. Let's hear some inner-dialog of her thoughts.

She touched the satin covering of the first drawer. She tugged as warmth flowed through her.

It isn't clear what she tugged at.
Let the readers see and feel the warmth too - through her thoughts. How does she know this box is special?

After it closed, she couldn't open it

Good mystery and suspense. Play on it a little more.She has accepted this too easily. Is she confused, curious? Upset? What is she thinking and feeling? Details.

A good outline that's on the way to becoming a good love story. Well done!

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Review of Part of a novel  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Penguin Mukherjee

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Wow, this is fantastic! I would love to read the rest of the story. This sample shows your talent well.

The imagery, the boy's emotions show good writing! This one will pull the reader in completely I think. It gives hints of cruelty and loss.

You do need to go into edit and hit the enter key after each paragraph to leave spaces. The page will look neater and it will be easier to read.

I found no technical issues at all. I think you already know how to hold the readers attention. *Smile* You're good!

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Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, sowe

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I like this story! It reads fast and easy with no bumps. You've done a very good job with your imagination and creativity. This was interesting and clear. The theme is fun.

"I wish we had an iceskating rink" said Robin.

"I wish we had a Mexican food buffet" said Apu.

Remember to put each separate speaker on their own line with a space between. It looks neater and is easier to read. Also, put space between each paragraph. Hitting the enter key once at the end of the paragraph will do it.

Werid
Spelling typo in the title -- should be --Weird--

objects" said Mirada! "We're lost!!!!!!!!!
One exclamation point will do it. (I used to do this too) *Laugh*

This theme would be easy to carry through several short stories - like a series. That would give you an opportunity to work on building the characters individually, and make them real to the readers. Maybe give each a chance to be the main character.

Don't forget to set the setting up so the readers will know where the story is taking place.

Well done!

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, Treasure/Morgan

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a good scene! The first line caught my attention, just like it's supposed to do. I hope my feedback helps. *Smile*

He looked over at her, she looked a little worried.

This line could be cut - you're saying the same thing twice, basically.

He leaned over and smiled at her
I suggest changing the wording here. This shows him in her face since they are sitting - not a good image. You could use the word --looked--that was cut from the above line. --Looked--is not very creative or descriptive though. --glanced--?

"It will be okay."

"I feel so much better..." she said on a sarcastic note

Give each new speaker their own separate line each time they speak. With a space between them.

It was starting to rain and lightning flashed across the sky

The pilot was instructing them to buckle their seatbelts

--Was--is a passive and 'telling' word - try to avoid it whenever possible. Especially when beginning a line. Try,
---It began to rain-- and --The pilot instructed them--. Be definite. You'll also cut down on wordiness.

Lightning darted across the sky and hit the plane. The passengers were getting a little restless wondering what was going to happen.

I completely read over the first part of this area. I didn't realize the plane had been hit. Aren't the passengers scared? I would be screaming and scrambling. --a little restless--just isn't enough. That's why I missed the danger. Show their emotions here - what would YOU do? That's what they would do.

aquiantances ---Spelling error--

I'm here for you." Tears filled her eyes and spilled over. He reached over,and with his thumb he wiped them away{/c:red}

Personally, I don't like the first bolded phrase. It sounds phony because it is used too much. I would cut it and not have him say anything here.

Repeating any word too close brings them to the reader's attention - not good. You could cut the second --over-- by changing the wording. Maybe --He wiped them away gently-- just an example.

Looking into his eyes she saw no fear there. "It's okay baby.....it's going to be okay." She believed him.

This is a wonderful image! I can both feel and see the gentleness and love. Good work!

I noticed you've several chapters, I will continue to read. Oh, if you numbered them readers would know where to begin. They all say 'continued' but that doesn't say in what order.

Hit the enter key after each paragraph to leave a space. The page will look neater and it will be easier to read - and edit.

You've talent, this short piece shows it well. Keep reading and working, it'll all come together. We're all here to learn. Enjoy the site! *Smile*

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#778388 by Not Available.
795
795
Review of As I Lay Here  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Squiggler

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is very good! The emotion is strong, it's felt clearly all the way through.

Your words are simple and well chosen to show the sadness and hopelessness. The tone is sad and gentle, believable.

And maybe afew years from now
One typo only. Separate these into two words.

Well done!

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#778388 by Not Available.
796
796
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello, Orion

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a good scene, with good descriptions. I think with trimming of extra descriptions though, and adding a little emotion, the excitement would be seen and felt clearer.

She stepped strongly into the park,

This word is distracting, I'm not sure of the image you're showing. --boldly--? Try to find a more descriptive word that shows your intention more clearly.

as her face broadened and the scene lit up, brighter than in natural light.

These phrases need more clarity. How does a face broaden? Maybe her --smile -- broadens? Show how the scene is brighter than day.

face into her shoulder and saw not but tiny, bright yellow daisies.

From my understanding of this line, I think you intended the word --naught or nought--spelling varies - both are correct. It means he saw nothing except the daisies.

Thick green grass grew right to the cobbled walk, spilling over the stone in silent resistance to its encroachment.

This is good, but trimming it will make the scene tighter. This only pulled my thoughts away and I wondered why I was looking down at the walk instead of keeping my eyes on her.

And then, she leapt into the sunny air, leapt over the green carpet of spring, leapt into the arms of a man, the man who moments before had been the only other moving, running on that timeless afternoon.

Again, the same suggestion. Try reading without the bolded area. Change --the arms of-- to --his arms ---or ---the arms of her love----leaving out the rest. I think the excitement would show stronger.

These short scenes are wonderful practice, I love them. I think you're practicing descriptions in this one, and you're doing a good job. Just stay aware of over-describing. It leads to wordiness, which leads to boredom. Your main theme can become lost in too much description.

I was able to see the apple blossoms but not the character. Your emphasis is on the setting. I also didn't feel emotion from the characters. You might want to work in those areas too.

These are only suggestions, if you don't agree that's okay. The important thing is to keep writing.

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"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
"Invalid Entry" 
797
797
Review of Secret Identity  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, E E Coder

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" 

Woo! This is a great story! It would fit perfectly in a YA genre magazine. After you've edited the punctuation, make some inquiries. Good work and good luck!

I enjoyed the read. I list issues in the order I find them so you can go straight through your item and find the areas. Easier for me and for you, especially in longer items. *Smile*

I don't attempt to edit punctuation, but you need someone to do that with you. There are problems there.

not caring if he was late to study hall anyway, but today

This word can be cut to avoid wordiness. It does nothing for the line.

it definetly had grown he was positive
Spelling--definitely--

“Must be Superman, under those pajamas his secret identity exposed!”

Move this comma after --pajamas--. Reading the words aloud will help you determine where the natural pauses should be.

which was understandable since they lived right next door to each other. ==========
Josh and his mother were sitting on the front porch enjoying the afternoon breeze that hot summer day,

Make it clearer this is a memory, a flashback. It jumps too suddenly, making the reader think the 'today' has already passed and they are now sitting on the porch.

behind his mother, Timmy’s dad still hadn’t made it so Timmy’s mom needed to use the phone.

Change the comma to a period after mother. The sentence should end there.
I suggest cutting the bolded --Timmy's--, change it to --his--to avoid using the name too often.

I noticed Josh's name being used too many times, too. Try to vary it with --he--more.


“Oh yeah,” countered Josh “I bet I can spit farther than you can.

It sounds like a question mark should go after --Oh Yeah?--
I like this line! It's realistic and can be seen clearly. Good job!

funny and he felt like his legs would be to weak to stand up if he tried.
---too---

forgetting too for the moment the laughter of the older boys.

This word causes a small bump and the reader is brought out of the story. It could be cut smoothly, it doesn't do anything.

One thing else Josh knew, he knew that he wasn’t about to tell anyone else about what he thought about at night

These words aren't necessary and will cause a write to become wordy. Read the lines without the bolded ones and decide if it says the same thing, if you agree, I suggest removing them to tighten the line.

Search the whole piece and remove any extra words, they only cause boredom - fast.

That was a really big problem for Josh because he had no one at all to tell these things to, his parents had divorced when he was ten years old. His father had moved two

--things to. --His parents--Change this comma to a period.

The bolded words are all extra and removing them will tighten the line. Too many will cause wordiness --boredom. Readers want to get to the heart of the story quickly. --had--is used too often by most writers and is always deleted during editing when possible.

That was a really big problem for Josh because he had
“Josh! Are you out of that shower yet?”

Somewhere in between these lines the tone changed. It didn't sound like the same narrator to me. The words sounded too formal, emotionless. It's a serious topic, but it still needs the personal tone.

he was in a hurry but stopping to lean against the fence seperating them.

I suggest changing -stopping--to --stopped--.
-Spelling is --separating--

Josh had some friends in school but no one close really he tended to be somewhat of a loner,
Cut --really--as unecessary, wordy. End the sentence after --close.--with a period.

He struggled to figure out some way turn her down without arousing any suspiscion knowing he couldn’t go along with her suggestion though.


A word is missing between --way turn--==way to turn--?
Spelling is --suspicion--
I suggest removing the word --though--It sounds awkward.

You've written a very good story on a delicate topic, and you handled it well. Josh's emotions are strong and realistic. He drew the readers sympathy well.

Mark is also done very well and realistically.

The ending was a shock, completely unexpected. Good job!

Your main problems are wordiness and punctuation. Go through and remove as many unnecessary words as possible and find a good editor for the other. *Smile*

Using all caps for urgency doesn't work well. Usually, italics are used. You might to consider changing those before you submit it.

I think the other issues are important too. Some are up to you. Remember, the tighter the story - the tighter the tension. Make this as tense as possible.

The story is complete, and it's memorial. Good writing!

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798
Review of Journey  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, saintgoody

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You've done a good job with the emotional pulling in of the reader. My curiosity wants to know more about this character and why she caught a bus at three in the morning.

You don't have to tell everything, but tell enough to make the scene clear.

There are quite a bit of grammar issues that pull the reader away. I will point out a few.

It’s a little bit cold, I guess as I saw others wearing their sweater

Move the comma to after --guess--.
Add an --s--after sweater, since you're talking of more than one.

My minds were filled with doubts, fears, confusions
Remove the --s--from --minds--, since you have only one. Change --were--to was--since it is one.

I love my family, once were happy, but some event happen, that change everything.

A word is missing. Add --we--were happy.
Change this--to ---changed--.

Give some details here to let the readers know what happened. To keep the story interesting, readers want to know why the characters make the decisions they do.

Its already twelve thirsty, lunch time

Change to --thirty--

and I’m afraid that the driver might forgot to drop me
Change to --forget--

I look my wristwatch its past eight seven o’clock.
A word is missing. Add --look --at--my--.
Take one of the numbers out. It's either eight o'clock or seven, not both.

And after few hours of travel, I arrived the town,

Missing words are your most prominate error. Make sure your sentences are complete. --after --a--few.
arrived --at--the town.

and since its getting dark, I didn’t waste any single moment, and find the place

Did it take her all day to go back? I thought she was only a few hours from the town.

and then I saw a house that caught my attention.

What made this house catch her attention?

I assume the visit to the chapel gave her the miracle of finding her friend. It's a good theme. Again though, fill in the story with more details so the readers isn't full of questions. Show what the character is thinking. Why didn't she find the old lady at the address? They didn't know her? What happened there?

This is pretty good for a short scene. The character has the potential to bring emotion to the readers by giving more details. Something terrible must have happened to her. I want to know what it was. *Smile* Since that's the reason she was on the bus, we need to know.

You've a good start, just keep working on it.

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"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
799
799
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Hana
Welcome to Writing.Com!

You've written this well, I noticed no technical errors. You're a good proofreader.

I can also feel the emotion and sincerity in the message. Good job!

I get a mixed message though. For example;

Don't you know that I love receiving presents, Daddy?
The child is heartbroken. Is this thought many years after being sixteen?

I know now what you mean by "never having a chance" with my siblings. But I am your child too. I am your last chance. You'll get to be a real, hands-on father

Can you show the readers why he 'never had a chance? It's important to the piece to know. Was he absent from the home?
Again, the --But I am your child too--gives a different connotation to the write. One of being ignored.

--You'll get to be a real father--says he isn't yet.
Changing to --You have been a real father--fixes it.

I believe this is a memory of an adult, but it isn't clear. I suggest reading for consistency to make your ideas come together with clarity.

Memories are very good for first writings, and I recommend them highly. Good choice. *Smile*
They are also my favorite genre to read. The emotion is usually very well done in them, because it is real. They make good reading.

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"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
800
800
Review of life  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hello, BigMike
Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a short piece, too short for feedback. All I can do is point out the spelling errors and ask how we are to be on our wits at all times. Where's the answer? *Smile*

lif -- throughlif -- cought --- ETERITY --

in dead world is much
There is a word missing here. --in a dead--

I agree that being stuck in a dead world would be worse. Can you say how to not be caught in the middle?

The genres of Fantasy :: Sci-fi:: kind of threw me off. I can't tell if this is the begging of a sci-fi story or just your personal thoughts and opinion.

Keep writing and practicing.

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