Hi, BABYGIRL
This review is being given for the
but, I would have read it anyway. The title and brief description had already caught my attention. I really like the imagery of the title.
The theme is sad and the quiet tone of the story stayed true all the way. It fit nicely. I truely enjoyed reading this one. The feeling of love and family is strong and realistic.
I tend to go into deeper in-depths with the good stories when I see talent. I hope the feedback helps show you another view from a reader.
I think the first paragraph is trying to say too much too soon. I suggest spreading this info out through the story as it's needed. For instance, this line,
The night the two of them moved in they danced in the living room to an old love song.
He says this later in a natural setting. This one could be cut. -- By trying to explain the whole background quickly, it isn't hooking the readers in too well. They may tend to skip this part.
Mary went and sat down beside him and said, “No honey we have five kids
This is a grammar issue and it's wordy. These two words can be cut safely with no damage to the image you want.
“Oh, please Mary don’t ever tell the kids I forgot them, it would devastate them.” Jake cried.
Some words can be repeated close together with no problem, some can't. This word is noticeable and pulled me from the story. If you worked with the second, changing a word or two, it would fix it.
Perhaps, --they would be devastated.--would say the same thing without repeating.
“You don’t have to worry, I won’t tell them that and I will be right here for you no matter what.”
This is an extra word that will lead to 'wordiness' and boredom. Read the line without the word and see if it says the same thing, but tighter. It's not easy to keep the story moving along naturally while keeping it as tight as possible.. You're doing a pretty good job though
On the second bolded phrase, --here for you--.
That's not something this age group would naturally say. It's popular with younger groups. I saw it at least twice, maybe three times. They would say something more like, --I'll be here with you.-- I'll always be here--
Jake was in such a state of shock that Mary had to lead him to the car and put him in it. He felt like he was walking through a thick fog and couldn’t find a way out.
This is good. It's realistic emotion, and shows his state of mind clearly. This could be expanded a bit with dialog or thoughts to allow the readers to be more involved with this tragedy. Play this area out a little more. Make the readers cry and they'll be hooked. 
He cried, he threw things and cursed out loud at the hand fate had dealt him. After he was done ranting and raving
I want to feel sorry for him, but I don't. He isn't really feeling anything, so I don't either.
Let the readers hear him curse, see him cry! It's a natural reaction, it's human. Make him real by giving him real emotion, This is an important scene - play it out.
This is also telling; can you describe it so the readers can see and hear him? That is what 'showing' is all about.
I am so scared Mary, I don’t know what to do.” Jake said as he softly cried.“Sweetheart, I don’t know why but I do know we will get
This sounds too formal for emotional conversation. Have you thought of using contractions to change the tone? --I'm so scared-- we'll get through--sounds more realistic to me.
The bolded phrase beginning with -Jake- could be cut, it isn't necessary. The readers can tell who is speaking and we already know he's crying.
“Lets go get something to eat and get back online again.
The words --back and again-- are redundant in this context, meaning the same thing. They sound awkward. I suggest cutting one - your choice.
The word --online-- doesn't sound like something a man of this age would say. Is he that savvy and comfortable with computer lingo? Unless he's dealt with it for years, older people might be more apt to say something like --get on the computer--, (or maybe the internet) -though I think --the computer--is more probable. --Online--is a younger person's word.
“I’m so sorry sweetheart, I’ve just been paralyzed with fear. I didn’t mean to close you out. I should have realized you are scared and hurting also. I promise not to shut you out again.”
The words are good, they say exactly what you want them to say. But - they are so formal and impersonal, they sound like he's reciting them. It may be because the sentences are so short. Loosen them, maybe removing a period to allow them to flow into longer sentences. Say them aloud as they would actually be spoken, and use that.
and the got him an appointment for that afternoon. Jake
--A typo only--then-- Actually, this word could be cut safely, it isn't needed for clarity of the line or thought.
both about what they should expect to happen in the coming months to years. It was painful for them both to listen
I suggest cutting the word --both--as it is obvious to the readers they are both there. Read the line aloud, omitting these two words and the green words. How does it sound to you? If it works to your ears, cut them. Your decision, this is only a suggestion.
I am really sorry Jake.,” the doctor said
name tags aren't always necessary when it's clear who is speaking.
Mary drove them back to the hotel and they sat there in silence for a while
Are they sitting in the car or did they go inside? As a reader, I wondered.
Mary said, “I know sweetheart, what do you think about this assisted living thing?” Jake thought about it for a few minutes and said, “I don’t think much of it
Put each speaker on his own separate line with a space between to keep the text from becoming crowded.
“I don’t think much of it being all cooped up in an apartment all day long.
Repeating this word sounds okay to me. People really do talk this way. Liberties can be taken with dialog.
Mary had tears in her eyes as she said it and so did Jake.
This is classic 'telling'. You could say something about tears welling as she spoke to 'show' instead. Make it part of the sentence though, not --she said, as tears welled or flowed--
Jake tipped him on their way out the restaurant.
The word --of--is missing. You could cut everything after the word --out--though to avoid overtelling and wordiness. It has been established they are in a restaurant and doesn't need to be told again.
Jake and Mary spent a lot of time lying in bed talking about everything.
Again, this is only my opinion. Unless he is so ill, he can't move about, they wouldn't do this. Older people do not lie around for relaxation, especially the closer they get to death. At least not the ones I've known. They would talk in bed at night, maybe even all night, but not in the daytime.
He told her so many times that she was the
This word throws the smoothness off because I expect something more to be said. I suggest cutting it.
He thought it was odd and talked to his sister Kelly about it on the front porch.
One incident wouldn't seem odd, would it? People naturally forget some things all the time as they age. Surely the kids realize this.
Kara came out and said she had a similar experience with Jake also.
What about saying --Dad-- instead of --Jake--? Or do they call him by name?
That made everyone of the siblings nervous along with his odd behavior today
Two words --every one--since you're speaking of them as individuals.
You might want to show where his behavior was 'odd'. I didn't get that impression from a normal forgetting.
Jake sat down on a bail of hay beside her and said, “I am so proud of
Spelling is --bale--in this context.
They sat back down and was talking about his finances when Mary and Dana came in and sat down with them.
I believe the correct word is --were--
ok Mary?” Jake asked.
Mary laughed and said, “You know I’m no good with all that so yes its ok if she
Spelling is --okay--
“I know I am putting a lot on your shoulders but I would like you for you to go over all of our assetts
A typo --an extra --you--
Spelling is --assets--
I don’t want to hear of any objections either.ok.”
This sounds like a question to me. A question mark after --okay--?
“Yes we are, I’m three months pregnant.” Kelly exclaimed.
She doesn't sound excited to me. An exclamation mark after --pregnant-- may help to show it, but she sounds calm and quiet to me. Maybe another tag besides --exclaimed--?
parent’s bedroom to downstairs so the sitters could watch over him more
An extra word. Wordy.
and didn’t have a clue where he was. He was trying to get past her to get out the door but she managed to stop him. When Mary came in the room she tried to talk to him and fortunately he recognized her and calmed down a little. Kara said he didn’t have a clue who she was
Repeating this is very noticeable to the reader and pulls him from the story. I suggest keeping one and rewriting the other to avoid this.
He spent about an hour talking to Daniel who was staying up all night with him.
This could be tightened by cutting the bolded area. This is obvious information and doesn't need to be told to the readers.
Jake fellback asleep in his pajamas in the recliner so Daniel went on reading his book.
To help cut down on wordiness the bolded areas could be safely cut.
He started some coffee and made him a plate of leftovers
Try --himself--, I think it sounds better. What do you think?
The sun was just beginning to peak over the treetops and a light
Spelling is --peek-- in this instance.
He was so cold all of the sudden and curled up around himself to keep warm. He closed his eyes and fell into a deep sleep by the oak tree.
I like the description of this scene! Good job! The bolded area could be cut to avoid repeating the same information though. I can see him clearly and feel the cold.
she fell backwards screaming,” No Daddy no, don’t leave me.”
Exclamation points would show the screams.
got there about that time and checked him also but he was long gone by them.
A typo only. --then--
All he could think to do was get his mom out of the woods. He easily picked Mary up into his arms and carried her out of the forest.
This is a beautiful, emotional scene.
I know this looks like a lot of work, and it is, but they are mostly repeated actions. Wordiness is the main problem, and it's one of the hardest to learn. I think you'll agree it's worth the extra work though. When it's tightened it will read much smoother.
Hit the enter key more often for shorter paragraphs. The page will look better, and be easier to read. Probably after placing a single space after each speakers line of dialog that problem will fix itself in this piece though, because there is lots of dialog.
There are punctuation issues that I don't have the knowledge to comment on. Other reviewers will help you there.
I hope this helps and don't worry about the rate at this point, please. It can always be raised later.
Well done!
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