You've done a good job with this, it reads well. I noticed only one typo in the brief description.
airy decription of being
I wonder if the imagery is strong enough? I can't see the scene as clearly you do. I don't know what -silver beams- is showing me, though it sounds beautiful.
The words are good, they just aren't descriptive enough by themselves. To me.
esprit
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"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
This is written well. I noticed no typos at all. I found the repeating of the second line caused the reading to be blocky to my ears. The words don't flow smoothly and that pulls the reader away from the emotion.
I think it would work if you used the first lines as your verses, choosing two different rhymes for each verse, then using the repeating line at the end of each for a fifth line. I'm not a poet, but I think if you experimented a bit with it, it would hold the reader in tighter.
Good job!
esprit
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"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
This was a fun read, did it relieve your stress? It did mine - I liked it.
You really do need to have a space between the paragraphs. Also after each speaker's line of dialog. Lack of space on a page chock full of text is the number one cause of stress in readers of online writing. That's an official fact.
This is a little short to offer much feedback on, but it's going to have some suspense I think. A Guardian Angel? I look forward to reading the completed story.
Mallory come on stop being such a chicken all the time. Thats
Always place quotation marks around speech.
"Whatever
Good, the other was only a typo I see. You put quote marks here.
olds are sapposed to be brave but i havent
Spelling and punctuation. Always capitalize the -I- and use apostrophies.
i'll in the title --I'll--
the hosbital ow well I climed dosing off
it dissapered
Spelling issues
me and then said"I
If she was dozing off and didn't notice the pulling up of the covers, did she hear him say this? If she didn't hear him, how did she know he said it?
I suppose the next chapter will go further into why brother thought Mallory was being a chicken. You didn't go back to explain that opening line.
There are punctuation issues in this chapter you can either fix as you go or after you finish this first draft. There is a clarity problem now though, without the punctuation. It's not easy to read.
Don't count your stars on first drafts, they always need to be edited and revised. Everyone's does.
I like the theme, it's going to be an interesting read.
I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review"
You said it needs work, but I honestly find nothing wrong with it, and I tried.
I have only one suggestion, and one question.
She pulled back hard, and the nail tore away, ripping skin and loosing blood.
I wonder if you meant --losing--?
The noise continued, but Jana's ears refused to hear.
I can hear the silence. Good description.
the occasional objectionable click from the old lady
Realistic and believable. Good.
Well I'm not so stupid as you! I'll not eat your muck!"
Do you think I'm so stupid as to eat this muck!"
I'm not sure if I need to mention this, but the repeating of this word pulled me out. I don't know why, since many things were repeated. I just feel if you found another word for one of these, it would be stronger.
This is very Twilight Zoneish. Was that your intent?
The scenes and the situation are clear and the reader is absolutely mesmerized throughout the read. It is very good.
The cause and effect were shown well. Both characters are realistic and believable. The setting is well described.
The repeating of the scene may have gone on one too many times. You could tighten by removing one repeat, and reduce the chanch of the reader becoming bored with it. It's a very fine line you're on, and I was at the point of wondering when it would end. Not quite, but close. It's up to you, but you want to leave the reader wanting more.
The work is well written, you're good. It was intense and my sympathy went to Jana.
A World Were Every Man Helps The Man Next To Him!
Brief Description typo --where--
Pointing at my eyes with his right and left index fingers.
This sentence isn't completed. If you combined it with the next by a comma instead of a period, it might work better.
Answering with a confident amount of sarcasm.
Another incomplete sentence.
suppose your speaking of Adolph
--you're--
Today we take piece
A typo --peace--
I awoke to the sound of a new world...
I wish I could see how miserable life was when there were wars and violence all around.
This is a bit confusing to me. When he awoke, it sounds like this was his first day of peace. The next line says he doesn't remember violence. It doesn't connect well.
Without quotation marks around the speech, it's difficult to read as speech.
There are punctuation issues; they affect the understanding and should be fixed. Perhaps a reviewer who knows editing will help you with that.
I don't completely understand what the reader is supposed to get from this piece. I know the character believes the world is better off because of Hitler, but that's all. If you could expand on the story element with more details it would help bring a more satisfactory conclusion.
This is written in article form, and the reader feels it's more of a writer's opinion than a short story. You might want to work on that too.
I hope the feedback helps a little, that's its only purpose. Continue working on the clarity and the rates will rise. And remember, this is only one reader's opinion.
This sounds to be an interesting up-coming story. I'll be sure and look for it. I noticed a few spelling errors for you if you want them. That's part of what readers are supposed to do.
he finally becomes and Christian
---an--
dawning what seems to be body armor
You want --donning--
he is meet with many adversaries,
--met--
lying ways this charater
A typo --character--
He sits at the thrown
--throne--
(This peson came from
Is this --person--?
I think you wrote this so fast the typos just happened. Reading your work slowly will let you see these things before readers do. It's okay.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #987300 by Not Available.
and the brief description persuaded me to open it.
This is very good. It's tenseness and emotion brings it to life. The descriptions are vivid and shows the readers exactly what is felt by the character who is reading the story.
but soon it
turned to all-consuming reading.
The tenseness begins with this line.
Pity. I wish I could be that scribe.
And the ending sounds like a sigh, a regret that's it's over.
No typos or other issues to mar the read.
Good writing! Whoever recommended it knew what they were talking about.
This is good, and easy to understand. The emotion is felt. For some reason, it just doesn't grab my attention very well, though. I'll try to explain.
(I hope you want feedback, some members don't, and I don't know until it's done.)
wondering if this will quit
the hell that
I can't understand clearly, what this means. Unless it's a typo? If you meant --quiet--, it makes sense.
Alone I still sit
Read the line without the bolded word, do you still like it? --still- caused a bump for me.
one day your going to be fine
Spelling is --you're--
within my mind.
The repeating of this phrase takes away from its impact. One time is very good, two times is not. {for me}
Also, repeating the words --my mind-- so often, takes away from the read. It doesn't hold the readers interest this way. I like the sound of the words, but overdoing them is not a good idea.
You could probably shorten the poem by removing these things and reworking the lines, and it would still say the same thing, with a better rhythm. I'm not a poet, only a reader who reads a lot, and these are only my opinions. Don't stress them if you don't agree, please.
It's a good draft, and it will be a beautiful poem.
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"Invalid Entry"
I decided to read this short piece while I was in your port, and I'm glad I did. It's wonderful!
Big Eddie doesn't seem so tough any more. The imagery is fantastic, like a movie. You're really very good. You aren't on the site to learn, I hope you're reviewing and passing on a few good tips to the rest of us.
A very well written scene! I didn't see anything wrong with it.
"Invalid Entry"
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This is a wonderful write! It's humor and satire are good and consistent. I enjoyed the read very much. I believe this is ready for the publisher, I don't see any problems with it. You might want to check one word though. It' just a thought.
and for people like you
that’s just too much to ask.
I like the sound better without this extra word.
You're a good writer!
"Invalid Entry"
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Wow, this is truly good! The emotion carries consistently all the way through and doesn't waiver. It holds the reader in tight. Good work!
her mind like their in a race to go nowhere
--they're--
the constants fear something bad is
A typo only---constant--
Will there ever be a moment in which will be filled with sunlight in which the rays fade all that is dark?
Read this without the bolded area and see if it isn't smoother to your ears. Usually, cutting extra words only help the read. You would also be avoiding the repeat of --in which-- twice.
I can relate to the message, as I know many can. It's almost a normalcy now-a-days, it seems.
This reads well and smoothly, except for the areas I mentioned. I hope the feedback is helpful when you edit the piece.
Well done!
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"Invalid Entry"
This chapter begins well, and it caught my interest. I can see the street scene and the characters clearly. I can even hear Malcolm's accent. Good job with that!
I noticed a few things for you, and I hope the feedback is helpful.
the sort of woman any man in his right mind would look twice, or three times at.
Ending a line with --at--usually sounds awkward. I suggest moving a few words around to avoid it.
--look at twice--would work.
Upon reflection, Amber decided she definitly
A typo/misspell
The wheel had gotten stuck in one of the many cracks in the sidewalk,
This phrase could be cut safely to avoid repeating the word -sidewalk-. It would still be clear and understood.
Mighta put another crack in the pavement tho
I know this is for accent but, since the sound is the same, I suggest spelling it correctly. It will only look like an error this way.
I ran into him trying haul that infernal
A missing word. --trying to haul--
"Are they playing that song again?"
Was the music being played on outdoor speakers? They were on the sidewalk when she said this.
This chapter isn't quite long enough to get to know the characters, so I can't answer the question at the end of the piece. I don't see anything unique with them yet. Two normal young women on a holiday. It will depend on the plot and how they handle it. The plot hasn't been hinted at yet.
looking back at her with a slightly amused look. She knows me too well, Amber thought
This is good description. It shows me Amber has a habit of being attracted to men quickly, probably to her detriment which her friend knows well.
It's a good beginning and I will read the next chapter to see what happens to these two. I don't feel any suspense or danger, so I hope Malcolm is safe for them.
I felt Amber's aggravation at the hot and humid climate. Good job there.
Mary is the encourager, wanting her friend to have a good time.
Good job!
"Invalid Entry"
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This is a wonderful quote! It's a great change from all the 'poor me's' everyone hears.
It's happy and upbeat, and I'm glad to have it. If everyone thought this was, it would be a good day, everyday. It needs to go on a sticky note stuck to the monitors.
I don't see a thing wrong with the writing at all. As a quote, it's perfect.
Thank you!
esprit
"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
"Invalid Entry"
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This is good. The memory is vividly clear. The only thing I noticed was an abundance of descriptive words. Be careful of using too much description and have the reader lose the theme of the story itself. This one is very close to doing that.
sheets rapping around the wind as they slowly billow
I'm not sure of -rapping-do you mean --whipping in--or --wrapping around--?
I can't connect the image of wind whipping --slowly-- The words contradict each other. You could fix the --rapping--word, and remove the word --slowly-- to fix it.
to gather my cloths and wears for
I believe you meant --clothes--
I leave my room and walk briskly from my quarters
This is redundant. They both say the same thing. I suggest removing one phrase to avoid the problem.
This is good, and I enjoyed reading it. Tighten it up a little and it will be finished.
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It did mine - I liked it.
