I wanted to read the beginning and I was right, this is a good story. The hook is in the first paragraph with emotion and dialogue. It's a heartbreaker so far.
The plot is being unfolded slowly and the main character is being developed well. The reader can see this boy with the strain and sorrow on his face.
The only area that caused me to stop and think a moment was when Mother kneeled to wipe the tears from his face. That doesn't sound right to me. A twelve year old could realistically be as tall as his mother. In any case at least five feet. Since we know he was standing, she wouldn't have to get onto her knees.
Other than that, it's coming along very well. Good writing.
I think I like this one even more than the other! It moves fast and pulls the reader right along with it. The imagery is wonderfully clear. This appears in the minds eye as a flash on the movie screen. Good writing!
The tension is strong and I was almost positive of a tragic ending.
This draft shows the theme and plot of the story clearly. The characters and the setting. I think it needs to be worked on and parts of it re-thought.
The twist isn't working smoothly. Simply using words to mislead isn't enough. It needs to move logically and naturally along to keep the readers interest. It needs to be believable.
night before at her freinds annual bon fire.
siliently exited the room and wandored down the carpetted
times, jane realized that Lilian
with a new tatic for waking her
Jane's blew eyes swelled
breif moment of silence
jane's close relative
These are spelling errors that get in the way of the reading. A good, slow proofread - aloud- or using a program with a spellchecker will allow you to avoid these before posting.
after eating a bowl of Cocoa Puffs
Beginning words need capitals.
"I found her likethat This is two separate words.
one-year-old
This phrase appears three times. Once is enough, readers will remember. Her age actually has nothing to do with the story so reminders are not important.
close relative
Why not just say Mother? It wouldn't give away anything.
Capitalize the Parsking's in the title.
After calling the girl's name several
I know you're trying to build the twist, but I think just saying --her--would work better, and it would be the truth. This is not really leading the readers toward the twist, it is lying to them. Most readers won't appreciate it. Twists are not lies, they are convincing the readers to look one way and then surprising them. It should be more natural.
I don't know the age range you're aiming for, but death is a delicate subject. Parents may object to buying this for their child.
Place a space between each paragraph for a more professional looking page, and for easier online reading.
The story has potential and dealing with death is something children need to learn about. I hope you continue to work on this. If you do and would like for me to raise the star rate, let me know when it's ready.
This is very good! The characters are described perfectly only through their actions. Good work! That's the way to do it.
Two men were crouched behind a clump of brush.
This line is strictly 'telling' the readers, but the next line is 'showing' it well. I suggest cutting this first line, it isn't needed.
If the next line said his name, such as;
Abel One of the two slowly pulled himself up from his crouch, peeking over the top of the thistles
using only the bolded area and cutting the rest, it would show 'who and what' clearly and be tighter.
The Setting confusion.
clump of brush... moonlight glanced off his wide open eyes...
had traveled through endless woods.
I first thought the setting was on a flat land, maybe a desert, because of the words brush and thistles, and because the moon was able to shine in his eyes. I was surprised to find it was a forest. It's okay, it only caused a bit of back-reading and rearranging my images. It's best to be a clear as a picture though.
That night, after two very exhausting days of hiking through the forest
Cut these two bolded words to keep it tight, they aren't needed for clarity. The readers will know it's night through the rest of the text.
Morning came and the night had passed without incident...
The day passed slowly, and the going was difficult.
Which day is this? The seventh? It's hard to tell because the paragraph before this line is talking about the second day. Needs clearing up.
The word --had--is used tweny-four times. It's an extra word that will cause a piece to become 'wordy' if used enough to become noticeable. Cut as many as you can to make the piece tighter. The tension will be stronger.
The ending was kind of expected because Jon was clearly annoyed. The question of Abel's fear and paranoia is not answered though. I think readers will want to know more about that. This ending is not satisfying to a reader who expects something horrible to appear. It sounds like the author gave up and found an easy way to end it.
I also found it hard to believe Able stayed on his feet after receiving such a hard blow. He only staggered a bit?
The two men were sitting in a little ditch next to a stream.
This is an odd image. A stream is a ditch too. It would sound more believable if they were just plainly sitting next to a stream.
Jon kept walking. Abel ran up from behind him and grabbed Jon's shoulders. "Listen Jon! We have to stop!"
You've some great descriptive lines. This one shows and let's the readers hear, Able's fear. Good work!
I hope the feedback is the kind you're looking for, and gives you a few ideas. This is a good start. The story is good, it only needs tightening and a bit of fixing here and there. Good job!
This is good. It's written well and the words flow along smoothly. It was a pleasure to read until I reached that first small --i--. From that point I only read as a reviewer. I can overlook lack of capitals and lack of punctuation, but there is something about the small -i- that dulls the read for me.
This is well written. Honestly, I groaned a bit at the first line, but the second made up for it. My interest was caught. It's tense all the way through.
The character is likeable and strong, she is seen clearly.
The setting is described well, I can feel the pebbles beneath my feet. Good job!
The best thing is the tension. It stays strong and believable and so the readers attention is held tight.
I wouldn't be a very good assassin if I was seen now, would I?
The only bump I noticed was this comma. How is this phrase meant to be read? --if I was to be seen now? or --if I was to be seen, now would I? It did cause a stumble to me.
Sorry for bad spacing - written on notepad
Not an excuse, editor's won't buy it.
Most write on their computer and copy/paste onto the site. After you paste though, fix it, don't leave it as it is. Also, hit the enter key after each paragraph to leave a space between them. It's easier to read online.
This is good writing! Keep practicing, there is talent here.
This is a good beginning. Dialogue catches the attention of the writer at once. Good choice!
I noticed a couple of things for you.
He felt like he had accomplished something great. If he had any idea.
The story is from Gwen's point of view so she won't know how he felt. I suggest rewriting this line to something like, --He looked like--He acted like--. Something she can see on his face. Arrogance is good, and since you've already said that, this line could be cut. It isn't needed - not really.
That trait of Gwen’s hadn’t changed much since those and days
A word is missing or something here. Or is --and--an extra word?
and somehow that got stuck in a broom closet at school for 7 hours.
The story is sad and well told. The imagery is good. The rhythm is consistent and keeps the words flowing smoothly. You're doing a good job with this.
I noticed a spelling mishap that marred the read, because of the number of times it appeared.
because it was ment to be
temporary.
Spelling is --meant--There are several - all misspelled.
I really like this line, I can hear it clearly with the word --temporary--said alone. Good sound!
that we were always ment meet
A word is missing here, it doesn't make sense.
and I was very excepting
The word is --accepting--
we were freinds
Spelling error
This is pretty good. I can't tell what the planned tempo is going to be because this rhythm isn't consistent. I'm not sure about lyrics, but I think the rhythm is very important, that's where it gets its consistent beat, isn't it?
It'll be a good one I think, with a little polishing. I really like the repeat of --temporary-- it keeps it tied together.
Actually, I never get bored as long as my internet is up and running. lol
You've described it well and I recognize it. This reads well and clearly. I noticed no typos or other issues and readers appreciate you taking time to proofread your work. That allows them to concentrate on the writing itself. Good job!
I noticed you used only two genres. I suggest you go into edit and add comedy, it would fit well.
Wow. another good piece! You're a good writer and with lots of practice you'll only get better. This one could be publishable, in my opinion, in a magazine that handles this type of work.
The emotion and imagery bring life to this one, the message is clear. I can see this scene well.
Excellent writing! The rhythm is perfect, it carries the words along in a hopeful way. I truly enjoyed the read. The message is clear and easily understood. No vagueness here.
Put it all in a pile,
Put it behind and look above.
I love these lines. They're my favorite and they tie the piece together with hope.
This is a good portrayal of how music can affect the listener. Many will be able to relate to this. It's good.
I think if it was tightened a bit, the emotion could show clearer. I can't offer but a couple of suggestions there though, just keep working on it until it absolutely shines.
pool upon my now quivering chin
This is one word that causes a stumble. It's extra and could be cut safely.
sewing my soul with glee.
This shows a different image to me than what you intended. Did you mean --sowing--
The presentation would be more attractive with a space or two to separate the text. When it's bunched up like this, it looks messy.
It's basically a good write and I enjoyed reading it. The rate is because it still needs a bit of work, but it's almost there. If you let me know when you've worked on it, I'll read it again and adjust the star count.
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I found this on the public review page and it sounded interesting, and it was. It's a good write. It caught and held my interest well. I would definitely read more. You've done a good job with it.
I told her I didn’t care she was sorry.
This line would read smoother with the word --if--between these two bolded words.
I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review"
You've shown this character very well. He's definitely a strange one. He is natural and real to me. Good work!
I would like to know how the DMV clerk could keep him off the road, a few details there would help with the interest I think.
Air Supply, if they every answered his request to write a song about him.
Typo --ever--
But Smack knew what he meant and noone
This is two words. --no one--
Smack felt the anger boil up inside of him again and began to argue with the her.
Typo - extra word--
"I bet you all ready know my name."
This is one word. --already--
This is a cute, humourous story that moved along quickly. It isn't easy to know the voices are inside his head. I found he had to tell me each time. They aren't recognizable as 'voices'.
I'm not sure if the girl is a figment of his imagination or real. Why wasn't her name told?
Smack was suspicious, how did she know what he was thinking? No one ever knew, not even his friends in his head could ever be completely sure.
"I know what every one means, do you have a..."
Where did this question come from? It's out of the blue with nothing to show what --every one --means. Is it to show how well suited they are to each other?
It's written well. The character is developed clearly, and I can see his actions. The descriptions are good. It's a simple, uncomplicated story and I enjoyed reading it. It's a fun read.
This begins good as a slice of life story. It caught my interest and I was curious to follow this character.
I list my comments as I read.
I almost always get lost the first time I go somewhere (and sometimes the second and third time, as well, though rarely).
I suggest cutting this phrase to avoid wordiness. Saying --sometimes--and --rarely--in the same line reads awkwardly to me.
As I went by, the driver seemed to change his mind, pulled back on the road, and kept going. This seemed strange
This hints at a mystery coming up, or danger. Something is about to happen to her, but it doesn't go any further. This is an interesting sidebar and described well, but it has nothing to do with the story. I suggest cutting it.
Again, the query “Can you take us to Great-Grandma’s?” “Do you know her phone number,” was my response
Place each speaker on their own separate line. The format looks neater and it's easier for the reader to know who is speaking. Separate the lines with a space.
“I was inside the whole time. You couldn’t have been looking very hard.”
Uncle John doesn't sound too nice, does he? I don't like him.
Relief poured through me. Heaven was a place, but a person.
Something is left out of this line. Heaven was -not-a place-?
Getting out of the car, and taking the hands of the boy and one of the girls, I started walking
I didn't know she took the kids back to the car. Why did she do that? Why not leave them with Heaven for a minute, since they were home?
The story doesn't seem finished. There's been no change. She really didn't save the children because they weren't in any danger.
Sometimes going the wrong way turns out to be the right thing. ?
It seemed to me she was lucky to get to the meat market before it closed because it took her longer than fifteen minutes to do all this.
You need a stronger conflict and a more satisfactory resolution of that conflict. Even perceived danger will work, but not if Uncle John appears so quickly.
I wasn't able to sympathize with the characters because I couldn't see them or feel their emotions.
dirty face and ragged clothes – was it the fact we lived in the country, or did these children really resemble the dirt-poor mountain people attributed to the nearby Appalachians
Just as above, with the pick-up, this seems to want to take the story in another direction, but it doesn't follow up. Later, the dirt is explained by the muddy yard, but what about the ragged clothes?
I wondered why this thought came to her at all? It has nothing to do with this story.
I hope the feedback helps you see this from a reader's point of view and gives you a few ideas. The writing is good. It's pretty tight, and it's easy to read. Keep practicing, and don't stress on the rate at this point. They only mean it isn't finished yet, not that it's not good.
This is interesting and easy to read. It's not going to be easy to give feedback on short excerpts though. Are these posted in the order they appear in the novel?
Nina walked naked from her bedroom, across the living room and into the bathroom
This is okay, but it's wordy and telling. You could tighten it by having her walk naked through the apartment-- It's up to you of course.
and slowly, body part by body part, submerged herself into the water.
This isn't giving the imagery you're trying for, to me. --Slowly submerged...--is enough, and gives the image clearly.
“I don’t care what’s right or wrong, and I won’t try to understand.
Let the devil take tomorrow, ‘cause tonight I need a friend.”
WritingML Help is located in Site Tools on the left of the screen. They will show you how to do italics, bold and colors, amoung other things. I suggest italics for the lyrics to show they aren't her words. Like this, {i} to close {/i}. Be sure to use the correct, squiggley parens.
The whine of a door hinge cut through the silence like a jagged hunting knife through flesh
This description doesn't work for me. Does a knife through flesh really make a noise?
“You left you’re key in the door
Spelling is --your--
Looking at this strictly as it is presented, it's a good scene. Clear and understandable. There is some work to be done on it, but not much. I can't comment on the character, plot or story.
I can say I think you're going to be a good writer. You're showing talent here.
Separate the lines of dialogue with a space between. It will look neater and be easier to read. On longer pieces, also separate the paragraphs with a space.
I will be glad to read this again if you wish. Let me know when you're ready. Rates can be changed.
I hope you enjoy the site, there are many fun things to keep you busy.
The setting is shown clearly with good descriptions. It reads pretty smoothly.
though it took me extra care to look like someone important and at the same time remain inconspicuous
This reads awkwardly to me. Try playing with the words to smooth them out. My thought is;
--took extra care for me to look like someone important--
the polished cameos
This image pulled me out of the story. Is he wearing more than one?
Gracefully, I weaved my way through the crowd
This sounds odd to me, for someone to think of themself this way. Is it to show his conceit? It works.
before course through her fingers and through my veins
I suggest cutting the word --before-- to tighten the line.
--should be --coursed--to fit the meaning.
her lovely radiance reflected in my gaze.
This sounds odd, he can't see the reflection in his own eyes.
were either engaged in a heated discussion
The bolded word --a--could be cut to tighten. It isn't needed.
for them to finally find out that she was dead
Wordy, could be cut.
The word --her--becomes very noticeable after a while. It's used over twenty times. Try to eliminate some of those.
survive with whatever sanity I have left now
This word could be cut to avoid wordiness. It isn't needed for clarity.
You've done a good job showing this descriptive setting. I don't feel any involvement with the character, no emotion, but maybe that wasn't your intention?
This is a list of quotes, isn't it? There's a lot of thought behind them, I think. You've a good start. They need more clarity though, the meanings of some can't be understood. I will point a few out that I had trouble with.
Time isn't of existance towards our soul, but simply this moment
I believe you're saying; Our soul knows no time but the moment. The word --towards--is the bump.
existance.
Spelling is --existence--
As fate comes into play,suchness overwhelms my perception
I don't know what is meant by --suchness--
Only one simple flounder of a fin does it take to swift over us the most intense of emotions
Did you mean --fin of a flounder--? the fish?
The meaning of --swift--?
Just as I think ecstasy has overtaken me, I feel the vibrance as of a lily in the midsts' of spring.
This sounds like --ecstasy--is a bad thing, it isn't. So I don't understand the line. These are both good things.
I hope you continue to work on this, it could be an inspirational piece. We all need to look back and count our blessings. It only needs more clarity I think.
esprit
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Is this a book report? Should the title and author be included? I don't know the book, and the comments don't help me learn of it. The audience of this piece would have to already had read it.
I noticed typos and spelling errors that should be fixed, they hamper the enjoyment of the read.
learned how to beal with people
--typo-- deal
didnt realy want to be remined
Your apostrophies got lost throughout the write. --didn't--check them all.
--really--reminded--
i shocked me in a way becase
--It----because--
alittle creapy
This is two words--a little--creepy--
so much felling without regret that is hard to do I coulnt
A typo --feeling--couldn't--
Once the errors are fixed, this will be fine. There are also punctuation issues such as missing periods and commas.
Be sure to proofread before posting, and you have spellcheck available in your port. You're doing good, and I hope you're enjoying the site.
esprit
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This is written well, the message is easy to read and understand. I'm not too sure of the theme though, or what you intended the reader to hear behind the words.
It begins by the narrator saying; And that’s why I am comfortable with you.
But ends with a defensive tone; showing the reader that the narrator is not comfortable at all.
The title sounds defensive of being poor. Poor and Trash are not the same thing.
I love cornbread and beans, for instance, and I'm not trash. I am poor though.
Let down my ponytail, thrown away crumbling blue shadows.
I’ve given up my dreams of electric youth for resurrection.
I don't understand what these phrases mean, so I'm pulled out from the story. You might want to work on the clarity here too.
I know the magick
This spelling is reserved for fantasy. I suggest the correct spelling for other genres. --magic--
And paper factories too America.
Add a comma after --too--, for a smoother flow.
This is not as much poetry as it is an essay. It's good, and the imagery is fantastic. It caught my attention and I found it interesting all the way through. If you clear up an area or two, it will be fine.
This is a good chapter, it's lively with dialogue that keeps the scene interesting.
The characters are described well. I can see each clearly. Be careful not to overdo it though with physical description. You can show their personalities through their dialogue instead of telling the readers what they are like.
He was almost choked by the strong smells of expensive perfumes and spices when the door opened
At the end of the first chapter he'd entered the house, but nothing was mentioned of the smells.
The man bounded down the steps excitedly towards Mr. Alexander
Try placing --excitedly--before --bounded-, and decide if it sounds better to you.
The man’s face had a jovial youth that could be compared to a baby’s,
I think this should be --youthness--
He carried himself, very portentously obviously used to his fine life style.
This word will work, but he sounds more --pompous--to me. --pompously--?
Also, cut the comma.
odd manner of carrying himself, the little man introduced himself. “Mr. Damien Alexander
Cut this line because he didn't introduce himself yet.
Damien noted how the man was receptive and concentrated. However, his focus was mainly on himself and making a grand and inflated impression, like an extremely portly peacock, Mr. Alexander noted and concealed a smirk.
Mr. Alexander noted how he waddled a bit more
I notice a tendency to repeat things and it's not a good habit to get into. Readers will become annoyed. This happens frequently, I suggest reading through and cutting as many as you can comfortably can.
As The Comte led the way Mr. Alexander could not help but notice the sheer size of the place unabashedly the most powerful House in all of England except maybe the House Royal. This was truly the greatest of all the Noble Houses that formed the Imperial Noble Houses. Truly it was opulent, more than he could have dreamed
Choose one and cut the others. Readers have already been told of the grandness a couple of times before this paragraph, and once or twice in the first chapter.
Mr. Alexander stepped in behind him and closed the door behind him to come
Notice the repeat again? It's easy to do, but now that you're aware of it you can avoid it. All of the bolded areas can be cut to tighten the piece. They aren't needed for clarity.
upon the sight of a large library, filled with books everywhere. Surely there must have been a wealth of them, everywhere!
The bolded area can be cut to avoid wordiness and overtelling. The comma after -library- can go too.
His black eyes were piercing into Mr. Alexander.
Cut this line because his eyes were mentioned twice in the paragraph right before this one. It's enough.
“So what happened to my uncle?” Damien asked wondering what had happened to Mr. Harrowman-Grey.
Cut the second bolded area because since he asked, readers will know he is wondering.
The main problem is wordiness. Tighten as much as possible to hold the tension. That means less words.
The story is becoming interesting, but needs to move a bit faster. It's taking too long to get to the plot. I still don't know what direction it's going.
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