Hello, radioshea
I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review"  Thank you for asking me to read this one too. I appreciate the trust.
The sounds of chainsaws woke Jonathan Whitiker back up to his nightmare. He opened his eyes a few minutes later.
The first para is a bit confusing. I suggest beginning here. It's a stronger hook.
Jonathan knew if it was Bobby, his younger brother, in the hospital bed, his parents would have been there to visit him first thing in the morning. Maybe even insist on staying overnight with him.
This is good at showing some sort of family division. Perhaps hinting at the root of the plot.
on the other hand, didn’t even have to try. “A natural” his father always called him. On the other hand
I'm noticed the tendency to repeat words and phrases. Too close and too many are distracting to the reader. You don't want the words themselves to be noticed at all because if they are, that means the reader has left the story world and noticed the author. I suggest cutting the second.
“Watch him do it. It’s easy” were phrases Jonathan heard often from his father.
I think the reader can assume the phrases were said by the father, it's pretty clear. This could be cut to avoid extra wordiness. Tighter holds more tension.
The day the three of them were at the park tossing around the football.
This is an incomplete sentence.
He turned and watched the weapon spiraling towards him. It was not fun; it was something to survive
This is good showing of Jonny and his deep dislike of the game.
“Throw it to me dad,” Bobby said.
When used as a name, such as it is here, it's capitalized as a name. There are several of these with both dad and mom.
“Wow. That was a great catch Bobby,” his father yelled out. Bobby smiled. He
Sometimes, exclamation points really are needed to help show excitement. 
Jonathan actually forgot for a moment why he was in the hospital. Maybe his mother enjoyed watching the problems of others in order to forget about her own.
Pretty deep thinking for an eleven-year old. 
The hands no longer seemed scary to Jonathan as they gracefully assailed the keys.
These words seem to contradict each other.
--assail -- to attack violently with blows or words. It's hard to imagine this to be done gracefully.
That Auntie Jessica. Mom says she’ll be single forever and she can’t stand to see kids have any fun.”
--That's--
but left it on for background noise as his thoughts began to drift…
Jonathan sat on the couch watching his father, whose large body suffocated the easy chair. Once a man made of muscle, now his skin hung from lack of any real exercise in ten years.
This transition of the timeline is confusing to me. I thought at first it went ahead in time because of the reference to the father's lack of exercise for ten years. He sounds old, yet isn't he taking the boys to the park for ball playing? Or is he just throwing and not moving much?
I think clarity is needed to show it is the year earlier. I wasn't sure until I reached the piano and Jon's age was mentioned again.
Something had happened. And he certainly wouldn’t find out what it was digging for worms.
He waited a minute before making his advance. Then he followed his father’s path into the house.
These both sound like they could each be one complete sentence.
It seemed to Jon that anything that put a smile on his father’s face was sure to put on frown on his own.
A typo of --a--
Oh, mom. Jonathan closed his eyes and lost his last life on Mario Brothers
To Jonathan’s delight, his father’s first attempts at selling the piano were
Nothing.” He quickly turned his smile inwards and folded his hands across his chest in hopes of hiding the joy in his heart from his father’s gaze.
Afraid the smile might creep up his throat and back onto his lips, he turned into
These are some areas that could really pull the reader in if there was more showing of the emotion. There is pain and delight, worry. Use his body language to describe his feelings. Bring it to life with real showing of his emotions.
A switch, looking like that belonging to a light, was set in the top right corner behind the white cabinet door she had just opened. She flipped the switch up
I know why this is here now, after reading the story, but it's overexplaining. Readers know what the switch looks like and it isn't necessary to tell where it is located. It's enough to say she reached in and turned it on.
“Thanks, mom,” he said. He couldn’t believe it was that easy. He turned on his heels out of the kitchen and ran to his room.
I suggest cutting this bolded area. It's awkward and wordy.
Soft at first, then louder and louder until the vibrations rang through his bones. His fingers would ache, but they refused to
Good, intense emotion is showing through!
it would bring him such a sense of elation, when he played a simple song in its entirety for the first time.
I don't edit punctuation, but this comma causes a big bump. You don't want to slow down here.
The Beginning Pianist?” A queer look climbed across his face. He rifled through the pages. “You’d rather read
Try to describe what this looks like instead of just saying it.
Where did playing football ever get you, he thought, but dared not say it. Instead he just shrugged ]
Thoughts are usually placed in italics, and are easily recognized by the readers.
Jonathan continued to rub his chest for another minute. His eyes became streaked with red.
Why are they red? He isn't quite crying yet, and he doesn't cry long enough for them to become bloodshot.
He smoothed them out with his palm, stood up and carefully put the book back on his desk with the other two piano books he bought.
This is redundant and overtelling. This phrase isn't needed for clarity.
But he wouldn’t blubber like a toddler looking for attention. They came intimately: slow and quiet
Good. This shows his inner maturity and his heartbreak very well.
I am not an expert on punctuation, but I think you're using these colons too often and in places a comma would do better.
The width of his fingers was barely half the width of the white keys, but he stretched and bent them
Are his fingers really that small?
His fingers moved back and forth over the keys disguising any other noises in the room. Bobby was two feet away. He smiled at his prowess,
This word seems misused to me. It sounds as if Jon is covering other noises on purpose, when actually, he is only unaware of Bobby, isn't he?
Bobby closed his eyes and spewed the words as fast as he could, “Bumble Boy
He seems overly frightened of a quick slap to the backside. I don't think it would affect him this much. He appears to be pretty big for his age.
She walked over to the phone hanging on the wall while Jonathan opened the freezer.
She pressed the “on” button and held the phone to her ear. “Hello?”
This is step-by-step 'telling' and doesn't work too well. She could simply pick up the phone and say hello.
head, closed her eyes and rubbed her temple firmly. “What has Bobby gotten into now, Mrs. Benson?”
Unless music is required in the district, I can't imagine Bobby taking any kind of music lessons. If it is required, why isn't Jon taking them too? It's out of character for Bobby, and why did she automatically think it was Bobby's teacher? A little confusing.
“Well, Mrs. Whitiker, we’re studying some major composers right now.
bordered on giddy, “Well, this afternoon
Dialogue can usually get away with more because of dialect, but the two uses of this word so close really mar the read, for me. One would work fine.
I was wondering, Mrs. Whitiker, if you wouldn’t mind if I took Jonathan to meet someone with me?”
These are extra and wordy. If she takes him, the 'with me' is obvious and doesn't need to be spoken.
Tell her I want to do it! He pleaded to her with his eyes.
I suggest cutting the bolded words to tighten the line.
Confusion quickly blanketed his face. “What?” he said in nearly a whisper
--he whispered.--would say the same thing and be less wordy. The tension is so strong and palpable in this scene I want to cry. Extra words get in the way. --whispered--is wonderful to show what he is feeling here.
He began in an effort to be calm, but the anger was far stronger. It quickly filled in his lungs and soon
This line reads awkwardly. It could be tightened to read smoother. --filled 'in' his lungs--is one problem phrase.
“You know how much it means to me! And you let him sell it?” he spewed.
Cut these too. This is such an emotional scene, and he's finally showing his anger and hurt. Don't slow it down now! A good scene!
In this same area, the word --began--pops out at me. Try to cut some of them so they aren't noticable. There are about five in very few lines.
his mother and wrapped his arms just above her waist. In turn, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders
I suggest finding a different descriptive word for one of these uses.
An icy feeling of dread replaced the hot flow of anger in his veins; his father standing in the doorway. Jonathan broke the embrace with his mother.
This sounds awkward because the line isn't structured correctly. I think if you replaced the semi-colon with a period, and added --was-- here--His father was standing--it would say the same thing, but clearer.
“I told him about the piano.” His mother said.
Dialogue tags aren't always needed when it's clear who is speaking.
Nothing. Mind your own business,” Jonathan said as he stepped into his bedroom across from his brother’s.
This info isn't important and slows down the tension. The whole line could be cut easily because the house has been described and readers will know by the next few lines how their rooms relate to each others. Wordy and without story interest.
more evident when his father slammed the phone back on the wall after the call concluded.
An obvious statement that could be cut safely.
Together, Jonathan skipped recess and Mrs. Benson ate her lunch each day in the music room at the school in hopes of increasing his chances, although she
Did he have a different lunch schedule from the teacher? Just a nit-pick, but distracting to me.
--at the school--is an obvious statement and could be cut to avoid wordiness.
seemed to think he would be welcomed with open arms once they heard him play. She seemed to revel in what she called Jonathan’s “natural born talent.”
Repeating again. The second could be cut because to avoid passiveness. She actually did revel in this, didn't she? So --seemed--isn't the right word word anyway. She is as excited as he is.
He couldn’t play at the hour, of course, but he sat there, stretched his arms and
A typo of --that--
his fingers barely grazing them and imagined playing to a filled concert hall, which vibrated with the sounds he had created.
Wonderful description! --vibrated--is the perfect word here, I can feel and hear his excitement.
He would be a famous concert pianist. His father would have to be proud of him then.
He would be a famous concert pianist. He would make sure of it.
I think you're trying to reinforce his feelings of hope and it's a good idea. I only suggest you change the words a bit on the second phrase to make them stronger.
“Jon,” Bobby said placing one of the army men on the spoon. “Hold up one of
This shocked me out of the story because I'd forgotten what they were doing. Jumping from one scene to another needs to be a bit smoother and natural. It didn't seem to be Jon's thoughts between the two scenes of the boys playing, so I thought it was another day.
He reached over into the drain, but wasn’t quite tall enough to reach all the way inside.
He opened the cabinet doors under the sink and stood up onto the shelf, which gave him three to four more inches of reach
This shows me his height is about three feet. His neck may touch the edge of the sink counter. I know it was mentioned he is small, but not this small.
“Got it?” Bobby said stepping up on the shelf. And as he stepped up, his belt caught the bottom
Bobby is taller than Jon, he shouldn't have to step on the shelf at all, in my mind. How did his belt catch the switch when it's recessed inside the cabinet around knee height? His body would be against the counter, not lower down. It would be more believable if a foot caught the switch, but honestly, I can't see either one of them as being that short.
From earlier content I suspected Bobby would do this on purpose, but I see he didn't.
He snapped his head down to the switch and slapped it down until the teeth of the mechanical monster slowed to a stop.
Did he hit it more than once?
A good story, but another sad ending that isn't too satisfying to this reader.
When I saw the length of this I thought I would read it over a few days, but I was caught up in it and couldn't quit. It is interesting and it will be great when it's finished.
What was changed in these characters? Something needs to change by the end or the story isn't complete. Did the father learn anything, or Bobby? Jon is the same except he's back where he started, still unhappy. You might get away with no conclusion in a very short story, but a novel is different. It doesn't have to be happy, but there needs to be a change, a resolution of some kind.
I suggest you continue to work on the ending. I know it's not easy to revise but I hope the feedback helps some.
The rate only reflects a good story that isn't finished, it's going to be good. Since you want to submit it, I tried to be very thorough.
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