I'm not even going to try to review this one. It's absolutely the most heart-rendering piece I've read in a long time. It's beautiful.
You write so clearly and so naturally. You make it look easy and pull this reader in tight to see what you see. I could see this dear woman so well through your descriptions, and feel that longing.
I wanted to see what other gems you had in your port and found this one. This one is special. The love is felt vividly.
I noticed no typos or other technical issues. It's a true tribute and written beautifully. You've a talent for showing real emotion, and the natural, friendly style of writing welcomes the reader.
I enjoy these types of stories, so I may have concentrated on reading and missed a technicality issue or two. If I did, the next reader will find it.
The story is good, it's written well. It caught and held my attention all the way through. The scene is painted clearly and the emotion is felt.
I remember my near-drowning early in the summer one year.
This line is a bit awkward. I believe changing the word order would help. Or maybe cutting --early in the summer--. It isn't reading smoothly.
There were deep holes on the river bed, though, where currents had swirled and twisted a tornado of sand and silt, washing it further down the river
I've been to this river! Good description! --swirling currents-- can be seen.
So, we set of to wade across.
A typo only. --off--
but my sister was younger than me. I couldn’t let her best me,
and chagrined that Betty had done
better than I had
your line breaks at the wrong place in a few spots. Just go into edit and put the cursor one space after the last word, and hit delete to pull the line up right.
These lines are describing the character (you) very well. The competition and rivalry between siblings is shown clearly. Good job!
I began to swirl uncontrollably toward down in a bottomless cyclone
I suggest cutting this bolded word for a smoother line. It is extra and not needed for clarity.
Indents can be used for online writing, but they are not required as they are on paper. Space is needed though. At the end of each paragraph, hit the enter once to leave a space. The page will look neater and it will be easier to read on monitors.
The story is realistic and that makes it enjoyable to read. You've placed this reader in the muddy water with her, and I felt her fear. I probably would have been as much help as the sister.
This is a good story! It caught and held my attention quickly and well. I could see the character and feel his emotions clearly. The story is told very well. The problem only lies in the spelling errors that you can fix easily. Don't stress on the rate at this point, that can be changed as the piece improves. Okay? Did you know you had SpellCheck in your port? It's very handy because many people have trouble with spelling, but it's important for a writer to spell correctly. I may have missed one, so be sure and double-check for yourself. Spellcheck will only catch spelling errors, not the misuse of a word.
as they passes the streetsevry afternoon with a tip of the hat or a "Good
--passed--
--street every--
The father cursed his wife for having a blue child as if it were fault
A word is missing here. --were her fault--
concieved a child before ehim but the
and the blue colored had become Arius's skin.
--conceived--
--him--
--color--
Arius ran up to his room, weeping, knowing that it was because he was different.
This is good description! I can see him doing this - clearly.
felt as oif it were his fault that he was colored so surreal. His mother had never loved him becuas he was the
--if--
--because--
He didn't want to be the one who stood out among the people, but he knew that was almost impossible.
This isn't saying what you want to say, I think. You need to rewrite to make it clearer. Maybe something like,
--he knew it was impossible not to stand out.--
hlep him, everyone hated him.
"My family has been gurding over the past few centuries
--help--
--guarding--
Lightnint crackled from left to right, with a loud that
--Lightning--
Read the second bolded phrase, do you see that a word is missing? With a loud -what-? Crash? By the way, this is a great descriptive line. The words show it and with the missing word fixed, readers will be able to hear it too. Good job!
the people poibnted at Arius
The vocie then told him what to say. srood before him. A woman stood a few feet
--pointed--
--voice--
--stood--
Arius almsot cried
--almost--
They both joined hands and ran through the fields
This word could be cut safely, you don't need it. --joined--shows the readers they both did this. Be aware of overtelling and using too many words.
I can tell that many of these spelling errors are typos, because you've spelled them right in other places. Proofreading your work before posting will let you find them instead of the readers. It'll help your rates. Writers learn to read their own work and proofread extra carefully.
I liked the story. It is written clearly with no confusion. I could see the action well and feel his pain and sadness. The townspeople were cruel to him, and you showed that realistically. The reader was drawn in with sympathy.
The ending was good fantasy, though I did wonder where the woman had been all his life. They didn't know of each other so it must have been a large land.
This is very well written! It caught and held my interest from the beginning just as it's supposed to do. You're a good writer and I intend to read more of your work.
A young woman finds her future in the forest, and learns to acecept her past
typo in Brief Description
All at once I felt trapped. This was wrong. Something about the man in front of me wasn’t right. My pulse raced. Run. My instincts were beating at me almost as wildly as my heart was. I forced it down.
Good imagery of fear, intense anxiety, suspicion. The reader can feel it clearly.
Twenty-four hours! I wasn’t here twenty-four hours and already the locals were breathing down my neck.
A tinge of humor here - I like it
of ogling by a pack of testosterone-filled hound dogs.
Another wonderful, realistic line.
I didn't read the first chapter, but I did go in and skim it so I'd be familiar with this one. It picks up where the other left off and the transition was smooth. It stands alone well with no confusion.
I like this character. She's a strong, independent woman with character and real emotions. I look forward to knowing her better. The short intro of the man is good and clear too. I can see his good-looks and understand he knows he is handsome and takes advantage of it. I also know his cold eyes tell of his real personality. Well done!
I noticed no technical issues at all. The writing is tight and you've made every word count. I probably said it before, but it's true - you're a good writer. It's an enjoyable read.
This is very well written! I can feel the intenseness all the way through. his hunger made me hungry and I too, could almost taste the tuna. You're very good at showing emotions.
His delight at seeing a pretty girl and his courtesy toward her are realistic. The scene comes alive. His disappointment at the end is strongly felt - I felt so sorry for him.
The only issue with this that I noticed is the lack of spaces. Separate each new speaker's line with a space. Give them separate lines.
If I had to name the especially good lines, I would have to highlight the entire item - and I can't do that.
The descriptions brought the character to life. Good writing!
This is a wonderful story! I enjoyed it so much! It made me laugh and sad, and then laugh again.
You tell a story very well, I could see this scene clearly through your well chosen words. The rushing to the car and the watching every bite to find the ring, everything. It all works together to show a happy family scene.
My cousin Kayla, my sister Christi and I raced to the car faster than a dog chasing the mailman
This is funny and clear.
Startled we got off the car.
Change this bolded word to --out of--the car.
I looked at grandmas face.It crumple into tears and had everyone
dashing to the kitchen.The women were weeping while the men try to take out the sink pipe.
And right there shiny as the sun was: Grandmas Ring!
Ah, the picture is so clear, I can see it in my mind. I can feel the excitement and the sorrow. You are very good with descriptive emotion.
The only thing that needs fixing is the format, the lines are scattered messily. I wonder if you are new to the computer? That's okay, messy lines didn't hurt the story at all, I loved it!
I think you've a good idea here, and I like the title very much. Good words.
I noticed a few things for you while I read. I hope you find them helpful.
should a star's shine come to mean more for you than the rest,
never reach, never wish, never gaze too long. just simply feel,
These are good lines. There is emotion and imagery that can be seen and felt.
a promise of always holds with it uncondition despite reasons
I don't know what is meant with this word used this way. Can you make it clearer?
care selflessly, give endless
This needs to be --endlessly--to match the surrounding text.
in your promise of always, that is how you must wish to stand.
This line needs to be clarified, I don't understand it, (the second half).
and without the star of your promise of always, you are empty,
for always never leaves at all.. not with the promise of always.
These are confusing lines for me. If always never leaves, why would he be without it and become empty? I know I am missing something.
I believe I understand the premise, but the words are not written clearly enough. It's difficult to read with understanding. A few more spaces between the lines might help define starts and stops, and capitals showing new sentences would definitely help the reader. Clarity would bring out the emotion to be felt too.
I believe the idea is good and this has potential, it does need to be clearer though and punctuation.
My feedback is only intended to help. If you continue to work on this and want me to, I will read it again when it's ready. Don't worry about the rate on a draft, they will come with a finished write. Let me know - I can change the rate on an revised piece.
You've an interesting beginning here. It held my attention well. Good descriptions and good introduction to the character's way of life.
I noticed some things for you, and will try to explain the reasons for them. I hope they help.
This place holds so many different creatures
Cut this word to tighten the line, it isn't needed for clarity.
Centauris just likes to have friends of all race.
--just--could be cut too, it isn't needed for clarity and is extra. Too many extras will cause wordiness which will cause a boring read.
race should be --races--
There is also bad centaurs and she
Grammar. Should be --are--
In this mystic place, the land of magic, has all kinds of life.
Try changing this to ---magic, there are all kinds of life.--
How does that sound to you? I think it helps with the clarity and removes a small bump.
There are at times that when the humans do find out the truths they end up going mad or just end up dead some how.
The first two bolded words could be cut safely as extra.
A word is needed between the last two words. --truths and they-- would let the thought be clearer and read smoother.
This is the only way for the mystics to live in peace. To live in a place that no human can see nor hear what is going on inside this glorious place.
This line is a bit hard to understand. I think if you switched the words around, it would be clearer. For instance;
---To live so that no human can see nor hear what is going on is the only way for the mystics to live in peace.---
It still says the same thing, but in a more correct order.
The safety of all…, in this very place is to survive the pain that the humans will inflict upon them. Riverbrook has never truly excepted the morals technology nor their way of living
This is --accepted--
Centauris does know of the humans way of life, but refuse to believe that all the
Cut the word --does--and add an --s--to -know-.--Centauris knows--
--refuse--should be --refuses-
This is why she wants to know more about the humans.
The word --human--is used quite a lot. I suggest cutting some and using another word when possible. This one could be cut and end the sentence with --them--It would still be clear who she is talking about.
No matter on who you are or what you are…, you
This word is extra and can be cut to avoid awkward reading.
This is not good nor health to live by.
Should be --healthy--
Living as tho you want to live and be happy.
Spelling is --though-- But, you don't need this word anyway. It would be clearer without it.
Humans are just an over rated race and idea.
Good line! It made this reader smile.
There is deserts, mountains
Grammar. This should be --are--because there is more than one object following it. If it was only one thing, like --there is a desert-- then -is- would be correct.
Things that do not really exists or do they………
--Remove the --s--from -exists--
--or do they-- makes this a question. Add a question mark at the end. This is a good line, it makes the reader sense a mystery is coming.
There are too many elipsis, ... in my opinion. They become distracting, try to use fewer for smoother sounding lines.
You've a good beginning. There is no hint of the plot yet, but I know it's coming. I will read this again as you continue to work on it, and change the rate accordingly. Don't worry about the stars at this point in the draft stage, they'll come later. You're really doing a good job.
This is a good start on the introduction of Em; what a name she has! I like it.
I would really appreciate some input as to what I should write next!
If you have trouble coming up with ideas for a complete story, work on a scene first. You've got a good start for one here. Give Em a problem or something she wants to do, and then put an obstacle in front of it. Maybe her mom won't let her get her tongue pierced or a tattoo. How do they handle it? Then give it an ending. Keep it short because it's a scene, not a story. Put your imagination to work and you'll come up with something.
Readers can't tell you what to write, it must be something you're excited about. Just write! What happened in school last week? Anything will work, make it fun. Read the link below on The Elevator Concept, it may help.
You've done a good job describing these emotions, they are real and they are strongly felt by the reader.
The message is clear and understandable, but the issues I've highlighted below are marring the read. A good proofread before posting will allow you to find them, instead of the readers - it'll help your star count.
They are emotions somthing we are all born with right? Yes i know
It hasnt shown its face untill now
or hoplessness, nore deppression.
The bolded words are spelling typos.
The line doesn't read smoothly to me. Is there a word missing? --They are emotions something-- I don't understand what it means, exactly. Maybe it only needs punctuation, you think?
Im not as unique as i think i am. Or as unique as i propogate.
The --i--needs to be capitalized when used as the single word.
Is --propagate--the word you intended? The meaning isn't clear used in this context.
bad happend everything shut down and i would feel as i was satan himself.
it actualy comes.
These are spelling errors.
Theres the emotional pain, the single tear that runs down my cheek
My eyes were open yet closed to the world around me
Good imagery and showing of emotion!
glazed everyone of my words
This is two words in this context. --every one--
taste of blood that tricles
Spelling is --trickles--
Are you jelous of what i have? No more like thinking that im completly
Spelling
I love it, no i hate it for what it does to me. No i love it but i hate it. I hate loving it.
Good showing of confusion of emotions. It's realistic and it's the heart of the piece I think.
If you decide to rewrite or revise, I will read this again for you if you want, the rate can be changed as the writing improves. Let me know - twice, because I forget.
I'm sorry it's taken so long for this to be read, there's been a lot of new members lately.
This is one worth reading, it's good. It has good, strong tension and anticpation. It grabs the attenion and holds it all the way. This is an interesting topic and you've brought it to life here.
The setting is clear and the characters are seen as well as they need to be.
The frustration is felt and the feeling of hope at the end, ending with the deep dissappointment - all well described emotion. I felt the hopelessness and fear of being kept there forever. It's a scary thought, and it's a realistic scene. You're showing it clearly.
It’ s most likely serves as a barrier between him
A typo only. --Remove the apostrophy and S--
He leans forward in his chair.
“Why don’t you try me?” he says softly, a faint smile showing at the corners of his eyes.
This is an example of what I think is excellent description.
I enjoyed the read and find no technical issues that got in the way. Well Done!
I enjoyed reading this piece, the realistic emotion and tone pulled me in and held my interest all the way. It's really pretty good.
I found a couple of things that I noticed all the way through. A good proofread will eliminate them before readers point them out.
Because I dont have a boyfriend so I use my imagination to create a loving relationship
You don't need both of these bolded words, cut one and keep the other. Your choice.
I have warmth he kind find comfort in just like any other girl.
A typo? he--can--find...
I found the repetition of the bolded phrase went on too long. Fifteen times -It began to bother this reader.
called, as if she new what was happening. I wrote a poem for Billy that night:
Spelling is --knew--in this instance.
You knowI complain to God every now and then
Please set me freerelease meBilly, release me!
Your keyboard may be sticking, (mine does!) but be aware that you have many words like this scattered through the piece. Proofread well to avoid them.
that were shy, that hes White and Im Black, that we live across from each other, that were outside in the
The missing apostrophy is apparent throughout, too. Sometimes, it changes the meaning of a word and you lose the reader. --were--is actually --we're--causes the line to read differently.
I still managed to lure boys along my direction. Some of them pursued me adamantly
The story was about not having any boyfriends, then this line suddenly appears. It's a bit contradictory.
The daydreaming is good, it's realistic and easy to see. Fantasy is normal to humans and it's a good topic for writing.
A few more spaces to break up the longer paras would improve the neatness of the page, and the ease of reading.
The emotion is good and strong. I can feel almost a pleading desperation that is very real and believable. We all know what that feels like. Good job!
The content is fine, with a good proofread, it would have been almost perfect.
I found this on the public review page and the comments caught my interest. I was surprised at what I found.
This is very good. It's written well and the emotion is felt strongly by the reader.
I edited and re-posted the review to add this comment.
The tongue-in-cheek statement of detesting writing and not being addicted to WDC, is heard clearly as being the opposite of what you say. Good luck in the contest.
I lack the ideas, the inspiration to capture emotion and fulfillment eludes me. I have only the letters. I feel doomed to combining these letters into a senseless myriad
I feel the helplessness of a writer when the right words just don't come. It's real and it catches the reader in tight with sympathy. Most have been there.
Enthralled by the appearance of the scrawls, the loops and curves, the sharp lines and the blank margins, I conspire with myself to create my own unique inscriptions. The chaos of the letters that cross lines
Now, these lines show a writer who loves hand written work. The feel of the pencil or pen in the hand, and the joy of turning those loops and scrawls into words. This is very poetic. I see a writer who prefers the warm, personal pen over the electronic coldness of a keyboard.
A writer who sometimes has a touch of writer's block.
This is written well. The emotion is strong and clear. The message is one many will be able to relate to. I certainly did. I noticed nothing wrong, technically. It's easy to read and understand and I enjoyed it.
I found this on the public review page and the comments caught my interest. I was surprised at what I found.
This is very good. It's written well and the emotion is felt strongly by the reader.
I lack the ideas, the inspiration to capture emotion and fulfillment eludes me. I have only the letters. I feel doomed to combining these letters into a senseless myriad
I feel the helplessness of a writer when the right words just don't come. It's real and it catches the reader in tight with sympathy. Most have been there.
Enthralled by the appearance of the scrawls, the loops and curves, the sharp lines and the blank margins, I conspire with myself to create my own unique inscriptions. The chaos of the letters that cross lines
Now, these lines show a writer who loves hand written work. The feel of the pencil or pen in the hand, and the joy of turning those loops and scrawls into words. This is very poetic. I see a writer who prefers the warm, personal pen over the electronic coldness of a keyboard.
A writer who may also have a touch of writer's block.
This is written well. The emotion is strong and clear. The message is one many will be able to relate to. I certainly did. I noticed nothing wrong, technically. It's easy to read and understand and I enjoyed it.
This is the writing of a talented human being! Good work!
I groaned when I opened the item and didn't see any spaces though. Go into edit and hit the enter key after each paragraph and each new speaker's line of dialogue. The spaces will present the page as less intimidating and more professional. They also come in handy when you edit.
They would be told the bad news that we all knew having had worked on him. He didn't make it. It was going to be a long night for them I knew.
This is the only line that I stumbled over. It's a bit convoluted as it is. I suggest playing with it until it flows better. The bolded words could be cut, and the words redone to fit. The thought is good and clear, and it fits, it only needs a bit of rearranging.
The writing is tight and easy to read. The setting and characters are well described. The tone is right, not too personal as an Officer of the law would be. It's realistically written.
I like the conversational tone of this piece. It's easy to listen too, like a soft, natural voice. Good work.
The writing needs a bit of proofreading and polish. This is what I noticed.
HANDLEING
Spelling is --handling--
Do you hold it in so its eats away at you?
Typo. Remove the --s--
frustrations ..... are they like cigarette ashes....
do they just blow away in the wind and are forgotten..... and released
or are the bottled up
This sentence needs the most work I think. Capital on --Frustrations--
I think a question mark after --ashes-- would smooth the line better than the way it is. Begin a new sentence with --Do they--
--and are forgotten-- sounds awkward to me. Play with this a bit, maybe
--to be forgotten--or something with --soon forgotten--. What do you think?
Remove the elipsis, you really don't need a pause there for a smoother read.
so when it is time for them to be released it is you that is like the cigarette ashes being blown into the wind and forgotten?
The change above will cause this line to have to be restructured. It needs more clarity anyway, don't you think? What is ---time to be released--? When someone explodes? Can't hold anymore?
The opening line is interesting and it caught my attention well, but it isn't addressed again. How do our frustrations affect the universe? Is it by loosing them or holding them in?
I understand the premise of the message, but it needs more clarity to be read and understood easily.
You've a good beginning on an interesting subject.
I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review"
I want it to be open enough to prompt the reader to read the rest of the story, but not enough detail to spoil the tale.
In my opinion, Clint, this has detailed too much if it is indeed a preface. Unless there is new information on several points you plan to share, this tells it all. It sounds complete to me. You may not need a preface. Is the story going to be novel length? If not, you could just begin at chapter one.
This is all narrated so the readers won't get to know the characters as well. No dialogue to help show their personalities. The main character is the cat so far, as the title hints.
It sounds like a journal and that's okay. It reads easy and is clearly understood. One problem with narrated stories is a lack of emotion. Readers cannot become one of the characters and therefore part of the story.
There is a mention of an assult and trial that came as a surprise to me. I assume that will be addressed in the book. But, saying she took an overdose makes me wonder why the assult wasn't mentioned instead. This drives the reader's thoughts and sympathies down a different path. If that is your intention, it worked.
I don't think prefaces try to include so much. You seem to be beginning at the beginning and covering all the years.
It could stand alone as it is, in my opinion. But then the assult and trial would have to be covered or taken out.
The writing is good and tight. The cat is the main character and he can be seen and understood clearly. I like the awareness between the cat and narrator. It's interesting and realistic.
The tone of the writing makes this sound personal, biographical. You're doing a good job with it.
Go into edit and hit the enter key after each paragraph and each line of new dialog. Spaces improve the look and presentation and it is easier online reading.
I'm stumped as to what kind of feedback to suggest. Is this a preface or a complete piece?
You've done a good job with this writing. Your points are made clearly and the humor is there. I personally did not find it funny, but that's only because I've heard it too often. It's written well.
I noticed no issues except for the lack of space between each paragraph. Hit the enter key after each and it will be finished. Online reading requires spaces to avoid huge blocks of text. This is a short piece, so isn't quite the problem but the page would look cleaner if the lines of dialogue were spaced.
This is an enjoyable, good read. Well done!
esprit
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"Invalid Item"
I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review"
Just want some feedback on this story I wrote. I think because of its relative length, some have been hesitant to read it thoroughly on here.
I don't believe the length is the problem; it's the lack of spaces between the paragraphs. Indents are for paper books, spaces are needed for online reading. Just hit the enter key after each para.
You've done a good job getting the reader to feel sympathy for 'the man'. His loneliness is felt deeply. Using the idenity tags of 'the man' and 'the boy' is a bit annoying at first, but it works. Needing to know a name will be mostly a personal readers preference. I felt you told the story well without names. It kept this reader from becoming involved so I just watched from the sidelines. Which was preferable this time.
A few things I noticed.
A frozen breeze blew across his body and sent a shiver up his spine
I picture -frozen- as solid ice. It pulled me from the story a moment. You might consider changing to
--freezing-- to be more logical.
The man removed his coat and laid it across a chair that sat patiently in
You've used this word to describe the chair three or four times, and I found it annoying. It's wordy and unnecessary. A chair is only a chair.
The man inhaled the aroma of his cookies and glanced at his watch. He left the kitchen and
I know of no cookies that take this long to bake. They would be burned to a crisp. You might to change this to a pie or cake.
which did little but cast an eerie glow on the room. His computer was set in the far right corner of the room,
I began to notice the word -room- it's used thirty times. When a word is used so often that the reader counts it, it's too much. Cut many of them.
The man walked back through his living room and kitchen and out to his front door. He grabbed his coat from the chair as it continued to sit patiently, on guard by the door
The rooms are not set out consistently. When he came home, he entered the living room, then walked to the kitchen. He had to pass back through the living room to get to the bedroom.
So, leaving the bedroom, he would not have to pass through the kitchen to go out the front door.
The boy looked up at the man’s face. He seemed to be pondering something, the boy did now know what, though.
This line needs a little more clarity. It sounds like the boy is pondering.
--now--is a typo only.
Alone as had been for three days now.
The word --he--would smooth the line out.
I assume this is finished, but I really believe you need to tie up the ending to some sort of final conclusion. This leaves the readers standing with their mouths open, if you know what I mean. The theme is clear and we know the sort of man the character is, but will he just keep doing this? Readers will want retribution you know.
Now, if this is only the first chapter, that's another thing. There is still time to wrap him up.
The descriptions are all done well. The reader can see and feel the action and emotion. I was drawn in with dread and anticipation. You're doing a good job.
The bounds of infinity are only defined by our perception of our reference of perception
This is a good line and I now understand clearly why two people can see the same thing, but each have a different perception of it. It sure gets aggravating!
This is written well. It's clear and easy to understand. No typos or other issues to get in the way. Well done!
esprit
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