*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/storytime/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/30
Review Requests: OFF
3,108 Public Reviews Given
7,053 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 26 27 28 29 -30- 31 32 33 34 35 ... Next
726
726
Review of George and Ellen  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, Speakn easy

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a beautiful love story! I especially like the ending. Perfect!

The characters are real and I can see their actions clearly. The emotion is well done; it immediately pulls the reader in with sympathy.

Add a space between each paragraph by hitting the enter key once after each one. It will look neater and it will be easier to read.

I found a couple of typos.

She starred at herself for awhile

This is used twice. --stared--

She told her reflection. “Why am I still her?”

face and wiped away the trails on her checks
--cheeks--

Did you know you began twelve sentences with the word --She--? You used the word nine more times within sentences.

The word --had-- could be cut back a few times too. Nine are quite a bit in such a short piece.

A bit of tweaking and polishing will bring this write up to perfect. I may be seeing a natural talent coming to life here. Good work!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
esprit
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
727
727
Review of 3rd Avenue Garage  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)

Hello, KariNy

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You've done a good job with these descriptons! The setting is seen clearly, down to the smell of grease. Good job!

I think you've covered this scene well. The characters and their actions toward each other are realistic. The main characters way of 'reading' the man's thoughts are probably what most people do in similiar situations, though this is an exagerrated version. It's a good way to show the scene.

I think it's realistic to noticed Cotton Candy's black roots right away, too. *Smile*

I manage to slip my wallet back into my purse. As I plop down on the vinyl chair, my son manages to break free

Avoid repeating words too closely. They become noticeable and pull the reader out of the story. One of these could be cut safely.

timing belt and all the other belts the allow our ’96 Mitsubishi

A typo only

I’m more worried about the appetizing look Sam gives a white

This word doesn't fit the context. The block would look appetizing to him, not the other way around. Maybe he gave a --hungry look--to the block?

Hit the enter key after each paragraph to leave a space between them. The page will look neater and it'll be easier on your reader's eyes.

I am amazed at the excellent descriptions of the characters and the garage floor. Good work!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
esprit
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
728
728
Review of The Badge  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, Victoria

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" 

This is a good theme for a story. The setting and characters are good. The setting is simple, but clearly seen.

With that, the Girl Scout leader waddled to the other side of

Good descriptive word that allows the reader to imagine her perfectly!

Madeline tightened the blonde poof of her ponytail with a hard tug and continued to glare at her best friend.

Yep! She's mad all right. *Smile*


She swiped a stray blonde hair from her forehead, gathered up her books, and pushed open the creaky church door. She burst into the crisp fall night and headed for home.

Good imagery of the elements!

Elizabeth looked at Madeline for the first time without saying anything.

You don't need these extra words. The readers know she didn't speak.

“I’m glad that you feel that way.

This has the tone of an older girl to me. Both girls appear older than nine in their actions and speech. (to me, but I may be out of the loop.) *Smile*

The plot is the conflict and how it was resolved. That is the part I think needs the most work. The conflict needs to be expanded. They just huffed off in anger and a week later they made up. Kids do that all the time.

friendshipin jeopardy

Only five lines are devoted to learning a lesson, the moral, but there isn't enough emotion to convince the readers there was a problem in the first place. It was only a little tiff.

Without her friend to talk to

This paragraph is not Madeline's voice. It is an adult narrator, and adults shouldn't be heard in a story for children, except under special circumstances. Since this para 'tells' the sorrow of Madeline instead of letting her 'show' it in her own nine-year-old way, kids won't pay any attention.

How badly did she want the Badge? What did she actually give up to become friends again? If she can still easily obtain the Badge, what is the lesson? The moral? What did they learn?

I also think showing Elizabeth's emotion would help show a real friendship in jeopardy. She seems to be getting along just fine without Madeline.

I may be off the mark with my suggestions, but I don't think so. The moral needs to be shown clearly. I hope the feedback helps.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
729
729
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, PhD Student

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is written well, technically. It's clear and proper, the tone is formal and professional. It states your thoughts.

Who are your readers? Is this a piece to be read aloud in front of an audience of students?

It's not a piece to hold the interest of the reader. It's heavy and sober. The vocabulary is used correctly, but it makes dull reading. A textbook style that readers will skim hoping to hit the important parts. Even serious subjects, no - especially serious subjects, need to be read with comprehension, and to do that the piece needs to hold the interest.

It could be lightened up by subbing a more common word here and there. A hint of humor in one or two areas would help. Maybe an anecdote on the learning of social or culture issues.

The use of your natural writing voice has a lilt that should be heard. It keeps formal writing from becoming dull, and assures that those who need to read it, will. I don't mean write humor and leave them laughing, keep it formal, but make it more interesting.

Personally, I see Globalization as the fancy, less scary word for 'One World Government'. We're getting there, aren't we?

Good job!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
esprit
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
730
730
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, Vici

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is good! It held my attention throughout. A good opening line begins with a touch of mystery to hook the reader.

I hope this feedback helps, it's my quick opinion so don't change anything if you don't think it will improve the piece, okay? Well, of course you wouldn't, would you? *Smile*

I found this to be a bit wordy and overtelling in places, and I gave examples.

I don’t remember seeing it when the property manager showed me this rental house

--rental--isn't important; would she really think this complete line, or are you trying to show the readers she is renting as opposed to buying? We don't care. I suggest tightening by cutting the bolded and saying --the house--

Where am I? It’s hazy and I can’t see too well.

This sounds too melodramatic, false. The second half of the line is 'telling' the reader what is happening. Why not show the dream?

fashionable yet functional for her walk in town

--into--would be correct.

While going towards the kitchen, she stopped dead in her tracks

This is telling the readers. Play with the words to give a better image.

that there was an actual battle in the town itself. -- unfamiliar with this important detail, and flock to the field itself.

The repeated word is very noticeable, it popped out at me. I suggest cutting the second, it isn't needed.

I think I’ll take a nap. All that walking exhausted me. Sherry rapidly

Although she may have thought this, it sounds unatural to me. Too formal for inner thought. It sounds like you're telling the readers again.

picture was back on the wall, same spot as where she previously removed it
====
Her fears were confirmed. The picture was back on the wall.

The first line shows the picture back on the wall, but she left it there. I didn't see her take it back upstairs. So, the second line is contradictory, and doesn't have the emotional impact it should.

Now, if the cut the first instance, leaving the pic. upstairs, then bring it down this last time - it would work better. In my opinion.

Her heart ached with longing for this mystery man. It was an indescribable melding of pure love and spiritual affinity for him.

This is a good line and I should feel strong emotion, but I don't. The limited word count requirement may be the cause of that, but it can be done. Showing her body language is the best way to describe emotion. Everything happened too fast to be believable, slow time down. Spend more time in the dreams.

The paragraph of research at the archives could be trimmed to give room for clearer emotion. While that is interesting, it isn't the heart of the story.

Are you my wife? I don’t recognize you in those strange clothes.”

I think since he is a spirit, he wouldn't notice the clothes, and he would definitely know her. In the dream I believe her spirit would know him, too.

This line doesn't sound believable to this reader and is distracting enough to pull me out of the story.

It's a good story written around a basic theme, and you've shown the setting well, and the character. Work on showing what she does and how she feels, and not just telling the reader. It will pull the reader in tighter and make them involved more.

It's a good draft! Now the fun part begins. *Smile*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
esprit
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
731
731
Review of Abduction  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, Rusty Quill

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" 

This is a good beginning. The theme is clear and it catches the attention well. I like and am interested in the subject, so I look forward to reading the next chapter.

I found a few things to offer my feedback on, I hope it helps.

Kalia, auburn hair pasted to her cheeks,

This seems to be here only to tell the readers the color of her hair. I don't think it's needed since the color is mentioned again below. --Kalia kicks--would make it tighter.

into the drain and listens for the splash as it hits the raging runoff below the city

A distracting area. I already have a good image of the drenching, noisy rain storm - I don't think she could hear a faint spash, though she very well might try.

Kalia turns down 3rd Avenue quickly doubles back

Doubles back to where? 1st Avenue?

Kalia slumps to the ground frustrated tears mixing with rain on her

This is good, it shows her emotion well. It needs to be shown before this, though. I had no idea she was frustrated.

Show her thoughts as she runs. Her emotions. Why does she run after it? Why is she obsessed with it?Does she feel it calling her?

The street sounds fade as a deep vibration travels her body and the light around

I didn't hear any street sounds. She was alone on the streets, no traffic. All I heard was the rain. If you changed this to say --the sound of the rain faded--it would stay consistent.

Kalia opens her eyes to a darkness so alive her skin crawls at its touch.

Good description!

"Where am I?"

This is pretty cliche. Calm and only curious. Isn't she frightened at all? Show some body language emotion the readers can see and identify with. You want the readers to be there too. How would you feel if this was you?

she is completely dry and her skin is emitting a faint glow;

Did this glow appear after a few seconds? The blue line above shows me the darkness was so dark it could be felt. This is a contradiction unless it appeared later.

she feels younger, more alive.

This tells the readers but it doesn't show an image for them to grasp. Is she tingling with joy? New life? I thought she was a young woman - this suggests she may not be.

Her skin prickles
Her wavering voice echoes

Good body language descriptions!

Her wavering voice echoes

Her calm words above "Where am I?", and --wavering-- make me hear a soft voice, maybe a whisper. To echo, the voice must be at least a notch above normal; or is it the acoustics of the room?

I like the way you ended the chapter. The mystery is a sure hook to keep the readers turning the pages.

The last paragraph is especially good and descriptive. I can feel her emotion and it puts me in the room with her.

steady thump of her heart as it races blood beneath her skin

Don't worry about the rate at this point. This is the draft and isn't expected to be perfect. Write the story first. Revision will take care of all these things - then the rate will go up.

It's coming along good, your imagination is in good working order. This is not going to be a simple story I don't think - but a more interesting one. My curiosity is up.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
732
732
Review of Dream's Reality  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,
Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is written well and it reads smoothly. The message is clear and sweet. It has a gentle tone that is soothing to the reader.

weep for the gentleness once more to beleive,
A typo only.

allowing the gentleness of our soul to guide us to our dreams

I like this line. It's a keeper!

Well done!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
esprit
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
733
733
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, T.K. Harvey
Welcome to Writing.Com!

humm, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. It sounds like you're doing both. I full understand the feeling, I've been there as I'm sure 99% of the members have too. It's called real life if you're among the poor. *Smile* You have to laugh to keep from crying and it doesn't always work.

I'm impressed you've written a novel. Good for you! Stick it up here, chapter size hunks and we'll critique it for you. That's why we're here. Just please don't do it all in one item! lol

Problem is is it will not be seen at all. The New York Literary agency say

An extra word. Choose one or the other, your choice. *Smile*

understahnd this money thing and thinks I am

A typo only. We all get those in abundance.

If you would hit the enter key after each paragraph to leave a space, the page would look more professionally formatted and it would be easier to read.

Welcome, relax and enjoy the site!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
esprit
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
734
734
Review of An Artist  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, New Guy

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is good. It written well and reads smoothly. The well chosen words show the message clearly. Good job!

And the singers heart rejoices with a simply harmony.

I think you intended --simple--

An attempted to capture the heart behind art

This should be --attempt--in this context.
You were successful in your attempt. *Smile*

It was a pleasure to read.
Well done!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
esprit
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor

735
735
Review of A Path Decided  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,
Welcome to Writing.Com!

You've a true horror story here. There are some good images to hold the readers attention well. What an imagination you have!

This is a good beginning, it just needs a little polish now.

Begin by hitting the enter key after each paragraph to leave a space between them. The page will look neater and it will be easier to read.

Put each new speaker on a separate line for the same reason.

and nothing could speak out to help

I'm not sure what you meant here. --nothing--can't speak. Maybe --no one could speak?--

no heaven, no hell i was a like and listening to a person

I think you meant --I was alive--

The shined a light into my eyes
A typo --they--

Should be take a chance?" Me
A typo. --we--

maybe I can’t start my journey

Deceased!

This means --dead--. I wonder if you meant sick? It's spelled --diseased--

You meant --can--start--didn't you? I hope! *Smile*

A good story with good imagery!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
esprit
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
736
736
Review of darkness  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, zeph

I like this. I think I've liked all of your writings. *Smile*

This keeps the scary tone until the end, then there is relief. Kids would like this. The imagery is perfect and suspense keeps the reader reading.

visage gorey
Sheilding from imagined

These are spelliing errors.

Swinged candle in the dark

This doesn't sound right to me. Maybe --swinging--?

Well done, it was a easy, fun read.


Welcome to Writing.Com!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
esprit
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
737
737
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, jv,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This was fun and a surprise. You've earned your 5 star rate here. I couldn't give anything less.

It begins with good suspense and becomes very spooky. You accomplished the tone well. I've felt the same thing myself so I can relate to it. Good job! It's a fun read.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
esprit
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
738
738
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi again,

This is the piece I found on the review page. it's written very well. I like the light fun tone you used, I think this is an honestly written straight from the heart piece. Right?

”Three stars?!” he yelled aloud

I won't even ask if this was one of mine! *Laugh*

If it was, you took it very well. heehe

I really enjoyed reading this, you kept it fun and I loved it.

Good job!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
739
739
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Sam!

I noticed a review of one of your items on the Public review page, read it, then read your Bio, then noticed this piece. You are obsessed! But then so am I. *Smile*

I chose 14 to 20 hours logged on only because I'm back on dial-up. back in the good ol' days when I had a cable connection, it would have been 'always on'

Don't you just love it?

Good, fun poll!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
740
740
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello,
Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is written is a sad tone that is realistic with the theme. It immediately pulls the readers heartstrings.

Dealing with the lose of a child

The brief description has a typo. --loss--

still going about their business and I am still left here alone

You've used this word three times in this short piece. I suggest you cut this second to avoid too much repeats. Saying --I am left--leaves the thought clear and doesn't change it.

kind of hobbys
Spelling is --hobbies--for plural.

You've written the thoughts clearly, the message is understood. A little tweaking and polishing is all this needs now. Well done!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
esprit
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
741
741
Review of Life  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello again, Spamuel

I found the message in this a bit too vague to be understood well. Is it completely political or a mixture of topics?

The lines are not reading smoothly, it may be because they are extra long for poetry.

It sounds like you want to say more than you have room for. You could change the genre to Prose and write it in paragraph format. Then you would have all the room you need to write the thoughts with better clarity.

Get to the end of the rainbow, no prize, juss lies

Is this slang or a typo? Did you intend to write --just--?

Is this all all you get is your whole future done?
An extra word.

Is it time to loose the diguise

I don't know if this is supposed to be --lose--or --loose--.

I hope this feedback is helpful. That's my only intention.

Welcome to Writing.Com!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
esprit
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
742
742
Review of Ghost of life  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, bright eyes,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You've done a good job with this. The story is clear and easily understood. No big bumps at all. Good job!

The characters and the setting are seen well.

Waiting for me with a rose, a tall handsome boy stood stil.--
Only a typo. --still--

With his black hair and green eyes, a buttoned-down shirt and blue jeans. He looked so familar.

The bolded line is not a complete sentence or thought. Remove the period and use a comma to combine it with the next line.

--The spelling is --familiar--you have it twice, both need fixing.

We talked all throughtout the day

--all--is an extra word. I suggest taking it out to tighten the line.

Spelling is --throughout--

and before I knew it a car was speeding towards me in the corner of my eye.

Read your work carefully to be sure it says what you intended to say. This actually says the car was in her eye. I don't think you need that anyway, it could be ended at --speeding towards me.--

Hit the enter key after each paragraph to leave spaces. When the text is bunched up it looks messy and is harder to read.

You're doing good with this, it caught and held my attention at once. A good story!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
esprit
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
743
743
Review of Just Me  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, Brandy-Boo

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Hi, glad to know you. *Smile*

This is a good idea and I enjoyed reading it.

I have a few suggestions to help make it shine.

I'm as 15 year old trying to find my way through the torents

--as--should be --a--
--torents--should be --torrents--

got married when they were only in thier 20's
Spelling is --their--

also happends to be my grampa's b-day

Spelling is --happens--
Spell --birthday-- out completely for a more professional write.

she thought was adorible

Spelling is --adorable--

The thoughts are clear, but be aware of typos and things by reading your work aloud. It helps you find them.

Using the chat spelling of --i--isn't done in writing, only in chat. I suggest you leave it there and always use the capital --I--.

Numbers are spelled out. Use the word.

September should be capitalized because it is a name.

Welcome to the site and I hope you're finding some of the many things to do.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
esprit
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
744
744
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Isis

I enjoyed reading this piece. It's an opinion that I share. Words are so easily misconstrued online. We have to look beyond them with kindness and comprehension quickly, or they spread like a virus.

Waiting for the courage to turn around and walk away from you now matter how much that hurts me now.

The first bolded word is a typo. It is --no--matter
The second could be cut, it isn't needed and will be tighter without it.

You wrote your thoughts clearly and it's an enjoyable read. I can feel the emotion clearly. There is lots of hurt here.

Welcome to Writing.Com!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
esprit
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
745
745
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hello,
Welcome to Writing.Com!

I like ghost stories! *Smile*
and this one sounds real. It's pretty complete, now it's time to revise and polish it, okay? All writers have to do this, it what makes their stories so good.

Here are my suggestions.

Teressa went to shopping and buy-ed some

Take the word --to--out. It isn't needed.
Change this word to --bought-- instead of buyed.

We were so happy because she is finally 15,and because we wanted to make the cool party ever.

Take out the word --so--. Also, take out the bolded line because you say it in the next lines. Try not to repeat your words too close together.

story happened the next 2 days

Write the word for the number here. --two--

but......after she said she saw a picture with a girl......

Write this line again so it will be clear. Try something like;

The policeman showed her some pictures and she said, "That's the girl!"

but the police man
This is one word. policeman--

dead....and she was.....because the police
Take out the bolded words, it makes the line read awkwardly. Start the new sentence with --The policeman...

Cut your use of ellipsis, they are meant to replace words left out. When you do use them, use only three dots... You don't need them in this piece.

You've described the setting good. I can see the girl coming to the door and knocking, it's creepy and weird. Good job with that! I can feel the tenseness when they find out she died on that date.

This is a good draft, now polish to make it shine. Keep writing, I'll read it again when it's finished. Star rates go up as the writing is worked on. Don't worry about them yet. Okay?

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
esprit
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
746
746
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello,
Welcome to Writing.Com!

I like the title and the brief description drew me in. I've heard many describe their experience with this.

That may have biased me toward this piece, because most don't tell of the same feelings as described in the first two verses. I won't let it affect my comments or rate though. *Smile*

In my opinion the short incomplete lines don't reveal enough to be able to draw the readers in. It feels like an abbreviated list of things that happened.

You might consider writing this in prose form so you'll have room to expand on the emotion more fully. It's a wonderful topic and should be written about more often - it's interesting and everyone wonders about the after-life. They want to see and feel the complete scene though. They want to be there with you. For instance, the mocking voice and the the question asked. What did it ask?

The bleeding - the dead don't bleed, so where did this come from?

My knees on the ground

This should be --knees are on the ground--if both were.

You've done a good job with this first draft, now is the time for revision to bring it to life.

As it is, I found it to be a good, average write that needs a bit of polishing.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
esprit
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
747
747
Review of Letter to my love  
Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello, Isis

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You've written this well, the choice of words tell the story clearly.

The problem is I feel no emotion behind the words to draw me in. I don't feel the loneliness the words portray.

but i can’t even find a trace of your excistence

The --i--should always be capitalized when it is a word. --I--. You can get away with it in poetry, but not in other genres.

Spelling is --existence--

but i can’t even find a trace of your

This would read smoother without the bolded word. It's one of those considered 'extra' - if you don't really need it, cut it to keep the writing tight.

I enjoyed reading this and I think it has the potential to be very good, once emotion is added.

I found it to be a good, average write.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
esprit
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
748
748
Review of Take to Heart  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, Elambioguy

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I enjoyed the message, it's written clearly. Good job with the words.

The rhyme is good. I did have a bit of trouble finding the rhythm. It wasn't there on the first read. It took three or four read-throughs and I wonder if general readers will take the time to find it? In my opinion the words don't flow smoothly in the first verse. The second is better.

The last is good - no problems there.

I found it to be a good, average write.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
esprit
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
749
749
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello,
Welcome to Writing.Com!

I enjoyed this one. Real ghost stories are my favorites. *Smile*

This has the ring of truth to it, I can see the scene clearly.

we were sleeping so the went to bed
A typo. --they--

so they made up they minds to look out side
A couple of typos only. --their minds--
--outside--is one word.

and a couple of months we moved out
Add the word --later--for a full sentence. --months later we moved out.--

when i was little we

Remember to capitalize the first letter of a new sentence.
--i--should always be capitalized when it is a full word. --I--

The title has a typo I think. Did you intend to write --The Haunted Farm House--?

The story is told well and clearly. Polish and shine the punctuation and typos and it will be a fine story.

I found it to be a good, average write that needs a bit of work. It was fun to read. *Smile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
esprit
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
750
750
Review of My huge crush  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hello, cool

Welcome to Writing.Com!

chocolate I didn't ate it

Spelling is --eat--

Yesterday I was so bored that I've decided to go shopping .I went shopping with Teressa(my best friend).

It isn't clear if she went shopping yesterday or today.

The parentheses and the words inside aren't necessary. She knows who Teressa is.

When I've arrived at that ball Pall was there

Paul has a typo. --I've--should be --I--

Did all of this happen on the same day?

because he makes me

Since this was their first date, he --made--

You might consider showing the passing of days. This is hard to follow. Did everything happen yesterday or today. A diary shows an entry for each day.

You've a good idea, this type of story is popular. I hope you continue to work on this with details to pull the reader in and make them want to continue reading. I think it will be interesting.

Enjoy the site!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
esprit
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
1,516 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 61 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/storytime/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/30