Hello, Nickie
I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review"  please be very honest. I want to submit this one to a magazine..
I hope my reading and commenting on this helps you see it from a reader's point of view.
Hell found me. These words always drifted through Xavier's mind like a ghost from the past. As his clear eyes admired the beauty of the full moon in the night sky, it reminded him of the love he had lost and the hell his heart has been in ever since that day. He looked around at his garden and thought of Lara and how she would have loved it. As Xavier made his way down the dirt path, his senses were seduced by the sweet smell of night blooming jasmine that lined the path. He looked out over his massive garden and took in the beautiful sight of the white ghostly flowers that adorned his land. Xavier walked toward a cluster of Pygmy fringe trees and Virginia willows; they hid the entrance to an old gazebo that had Moonflowers growing all over. As he sat he closed his eyes and relished in the scent of lemon on the night breeze. Lara would have loved this garden, he thought as he opened his eyes. As the warm night air flowed over his skin his mind began to wander back to the days when life was good; when he was happy, when Lara was alive.
This is a lot of description for an opening. I suggest cutting it back to get to the story more quickly. Readers will only skim this to find the action. Keep it tighter. Read the area without the bolding and decide how it sounds to you. It says basically the same thing I believe.
Xavier was a wealthy merchant in a small lakeside town. The town was situated at the base of the Rockies. Xavier thought this was the most beautiful area he has ever lived in. 5 years earlier he decided to leave his native country of Romania. Now he has wealth and status among the townspeople. Xavier's favorite spot was sitting on the balcony at night looking up at the star-filled night sky. As always he enjoyed the company of his fiancée Lara
This is all redundant and information the readers will get later in the story. I suggest cutting as much as you can for a tighter read.
One example:
It is mentioned twice he is wealthy. Later, I'm sure this fact will be obvious during the story, so it isn't necessary here.
he loved that scent. Xavier pulled Lara closer to him until the sound of gun fire broke the serenity.
A little awkward sounding to me. It makes me think he was expecting the gun fire. Try changing the words a little. --Xavier enjoyed the closeness of Lara until-- Maybe?
"No, you stay here," he told her as he rushed passed her. He shouted out for
This word could be cut easily.
surrounding a woman, who was holding a knife. She was crying and swinging the knife; she missed but kept the men away from her. Xavier urged his horse toward them
Good imagery! I can see and feel the tension clearly!
"damn." Why the hell would anyone put one bullet in a gun, he thought as he looked at the gun in disbelief. He threw it down and started to reach for his;
Wonderfully realistic! Humorous - and I was just as shocked as he was.
The bolded words are too passive. Change it to --and reached for his--
started to reach for his; before he pulled out his gun a shot rang out into the night.
This is wordy and telling. Tighten by using only--reached for his when another shot rang out...
"Xavier..." Lara voice floated to his ears. He turned his head to see the man belonging to the voice standing behind
--Lara's voice--
Present Day
Xavier stood and walked out of the gazebo, this place held to many memories. Xavier followed the dirt path toward the cliffs.
--too--
As Xavier walked along the sandy shore he got a familiar feeling. He stopped and raised his head and sniffed the night wind. The air carried a familiar scent. He sniffed again, no it couldn't be he thought as he headed toward
Camping was a great idea, she thought to herself. Olivia opened her eyes and gazed up to admire the brightness of the
Thoughts are usually placed in italics. I've noticed several of these.
Italics are done like this {i}italics are here{/i} italics are here
She scanned the area one last time but didn't see any thing, like she really could. The flashlight was really no help.
The bolded phrase is awkward sounding. I know what you mean but I think it needs rephrasing. It also causes the repeat of --really--, which you don't need in either lines.
Olivia continued toward the lake the feeling was still there; someone was watching her, but who
This is a question, needs a question mark.
As she made her way through the trees toward the lake she felt a tingling sensation on the back of her neck. Olivia
I thought she was already standing at the lake by the time he noticed her?
As she lowered her eyes to the lake she got a strange feeling like she had been here before
This is a bit passive and unclear. Play with the words a little, maybe try ----an eerie feeling came over her--
like she had been here before. Olivia couldn't really describe the feelings; it was like an intense form of deja vu.
The first bolded phrase means the same as the deja vu phrase. Avoid redundant writing by not repeating the same info in different words. I suggest cutting the first, all the way to --feelings-- to keep it tight and tense. She doesn't need to describe her feelings to herself. This sounds like it is spoken directly to the reader and that is not a good idea. Also cut --like--as an unnecessary 'explaining' word. Readers will understand deja vu.
As she turned her head she got that tingling sensation again, like someone was watching her. Olivia turned back toward the figure and it was gone, just that quick.
This is good visual description. 'tingling' is also good, everyone will know the feeling exactly. I can see the dark figure standing alone down the beach, good job!
He had got such a strange feeling when he saw her sitting there. He couldn't explain
Changing the same phrase above is doubly important since I see it's repeated here.
He couldn't explain it other than it was a familiar feeling. Xavier had to find out who she was.
The same as above when she couldn't explain it. Would he think in these words? Maybe, --he didn't understand--would be more natural, what do you think?
I believe cutting his name here and using, --He--would sound better, too.
drew in a deep breath than let it go slowly. When she opened her eyes, her heart nearly stopped
Typo--then--
The blue phrase is perfect! Good showing of her surprise!
delicious looking man ever. She wondered, where did he come from?
This is 'telling' the reader, you want to be sure they got the meaning of --her heart nearly stopped--. You showed it clearly and they got it. I suggest cutting this line to avoid a lot of issues. Wordiness, telling, author intrusion, etc.
That was careless reading her mind to find out her name
I didn't know he could do this. Cool!
The line isn't reading smooth, though. Try adding the word --of me--or something similar in here. Or a comma after -careless- might work.
She stared at him. Did I know him? She wondered.
Put yourself in her mind. Would she say it like this? Or would she say, Do I know him?
His black hair blended so well with the surrounding darkness it was hard to tell how long it was. The night breeze whipped his hair around his eyes that she could see were a clear blue. The rest of his face reminded her of those Greek statues she had seen in those history books as a child.
--his hair--could be changed to --it--to avoid repeating the words. Readers will know she's speaking of his hair.
I suggest cutting --those--as extra, repeated, unecessary words. The line says the same thing, but is tighter without them.
The other bolded areas are contradictory. Unbelievable. If it is too dark to see how long his hair is, it would also be too dark to see his eye color, which would be much more difficult at any time.
Olivia looked down at his hand. His fingers were long and masculine as they gripped her hand softly. Her hand felt unusually comfortable in his grasp, like her hand belonged there.
Do you notice the problem? You can fix it by subbing, --it--and --her's-- in a couple of places.
"Hopefully before you leave, we can walk down by the lake together," he whispered; she heard every word.
Olivia smiled. "That would be nice."
I suggest cutting the bolded line since it is clear she heard him by her next words.
She watched him walk toward the dark forest and disappear inside. Olivia scanned the night but couldn't see him. Was he even real?, she asked herself
Wordy and overtelling. Why did she think she would be able to see him after he'd entered the thick, dark forest?
She had no doubt he was real a minute before. He'd been there over a half-hour. These lines could be cut easily and they only cause confusion and don't move the story along.
He eased himself up on his elbows and dragged his broken body over to her. He gathered enough strength and stood over Lara. Xavier bent down and picked her up and craddled her in his arms.
This is good imagery, and can be seen well - until he decided to stand up. I would cut that part and keep him on the ground. It would be more believable in their condition. He doesn't need to stand and look down at her. Does he?
He knew she was dying, she knew this too.
I'm sorry, but this isn't good. It a duh...she was stabbed in the chest, of course she's dying. It can be cut. "Xavier, take me to the lake," her voice was barely above a whisper, but he heard her. This is a good line all by itself. It is understood clearly and no other explanations are needed.
Olivia wasn't tired yet, so on a impulse she bypassed her tent and headed down to the lake.
As she stood there on the shoreline, she closed her eyes and took in the sounds of the night.
Just more examples of unneeded words. Too many of these cause wordiness which causes a read to become boring. They slow the story down and that's not good. Keep it tight, tense and moving with action and emotion. Read through the piece, aloud preferably, and cut all you can.
"She's beautiful, isn't she." His rich dark voice drifted on the night wind.
Somehow she knew he would be there. "Yes she is," Olivia agreed
This is good. I can hear his soft tone in the 'drifted on the wind.' The voices are subdued and can be heard clearly. Good job!
Olivia looked at him and wondered what was going through his mind. Xavier was about 6'3 to her 5'11, she still seemed short next to him.
Boy, this pulled me out of the trance quickly! Do we need to know how tall they are?
As Xavier released Olivia's lips, she was literally breathless and dizzy.
I would end the phrase at --Olivia-- to keep the mood intact.
Tears streamed down Xavier's face. He lifted his head the to moon and let loose a shout filled with anguish and sadness. As he rocked Lara he vowed to hold her to her promise, even if it took him a lifetime; he would find her.
I can feel and see the emotion described here. It's strong and sad.
The bolded is only a typo.
He opened his eyes and turned to face someone in a black robe with a hood over their head.
--his--
Sebastian never saw it coming. He coward under a table in his home, with his gun in his hand pointed out in front of him.
--cowed-- or --cowered--
The bolded words could be cut for a tighter line.
"Xavier?" she mumbled. Then all the memories came back to her. She had been here before. Everything did look familiar to her. This was her home
This sounded odd when I first read it up above. I see now that I'm here it's okay, it's clear. This line could be cut though. --been here before--says it well, all by itself.
Xavier looked down
Olivia looked up
looked back
looked up
The word --looked--is used about thirty times in this piece.
These are in the last seven lines. We don't notice these habits in our own writing until someone points them out. It became extremely noticeable at the end. Use a thesaurus to find alternate words for it, and other words you notice. A word should not be used so often that it jumps out at the reader. They'll lose the story.
I found this to be wordy and description heavy at the beginning, but I tried to comment on the areas that could be fixed easily.
The ending was good, the surprise was hidden well and it answered a question I had about him.
My attention was held during the story. Though it moved slow at times, it did keep moving and that was good.
I wondered why he didn't kill the men at the beginning. That isn't realistic to me since they were killing innocents, and in that era people were their own law. He seemed to be a sheriff of sorts since he ran to town at once. Again, I think he would have shot them dead.
It's going to be a good story, and I wish you luck with publishing it.
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Writing the way we speak leads to confusion though. lol