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Review Requests: OFF
3,296 Public Reviews Given
3,335 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Template most of the time, covering setting/plot/characters/conflict/resolution if applicable. For shorter works, I concentrate more on feelings evoked.
I'm good at...
Short story, chapter reviews and in-depth reviews.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, Romance, mystery, children's
Least Favorite Genres
Historical
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novel chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
essay, editorial, non-fiction, somebody's homework assignment
I will not review...
XGC, poems, prose. I am an animal activist and vegan, so cruelty or violent, unnecessary, death due to negligence is overwhelming. I am unable to review any pieces involving abuse of any kind to anyone. I like to keep my corner or the world happy, because I grew beyond my "challenges" of childhood and don't want to look back.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 27 28 29 30 -31- 32 33 34 35 36 ... Next
751
751
Review of Time for Change  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Surprise, Dorianne!

HAPPY 9th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*PartyHatP* "Anniversary Reviews" *PartyHatP*


*Hotair2*
Overall Impression
This poem feels exactly like what the brief description promised. The overall tone is authentically teenage-y, filled with angst, innocent expectations, and self-derision.

*Hotair2*
Thoughts
I wanted to take this girl's hand in mine and tell her what she discovered after the relationship ended. But we all have to take the journey, and it's a testament to your writing skills that I was able to connect with an imaginary character. I'd also like to smack the guy for using her to make his real love jealous. You found a potent scenario to wring passion from the reader.

When I read, "Your laughter was like---" I thought that taking [like] out of the sentence would make the emotion stronger. Since there's no apparent rhyming scheme, it wouldn't alter anything. It might have to be a one liner, though. Which brings me to another thought. The lines are uneven, and although it's not important to the poem, I like a more uniform presentation. I guess we could say it reflected the girl's scattered thoughts.

*Hotair2*
Suggestions
Can I guess and say the underlining indicates this was written for a contest? If I'm right, can I suggest the underling be taken out? I try, (but don't always remember) to take out the bold font or underlining and include a link back to the contest, along with the parameters of said contest. It's easier for the reader, and it's a possible incentive for the reader to check out the contest.

*Books4*
In closing
I noticed the poem was almost like a story because of all the punctuation. I liked how both the beginning and ending line had exclamation marks after them. Since the event is shown in words, not actions, I thought the exclamation marks were essential.

Congrats on the account anniversary, and keep on writing!

** Image ID #1902395 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
752
752
Review of Reality Check 1  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Surprise, hbalmerca !


*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


*Captainwheel*
Thoughts/Impressions
I noticed this was Reality Check 1 of 3, so what I'm reviewing is the surface of your thoughts.

*Captainwheel*
What I liked the most
The item and its title has a universal appeal. We all need reality checks, and I wanted to see what your take on it was. I liked that you were very honest about what you intended to convey because the information here is basic. But you invited the reader to join in, which gives this piece a broader scope.

I keep a reality check on auto-run every day. I know my existence is impermanent and that's okay with me. In the matters of galaxies, I'm a dust mote. That doesn't mean I discount my feelings, or refuse to acknowledge the adversities of my life, it means only that I'm always aware.

Some times I feel sad for the person who cut me off in traffic, who pulled their car into the safe zone between my vehicle and the one in front of me. I usually forgive them. I've jumped in front of another vehicle myself for what to me was a necessary action. Probably the driver has his own reasons, and my upset is within my control. Getting worked up simply isn't worth it.

That's not to say it doesn't happen, but usually I'm upset with myself, and that, unfortunately is a big deal, and a whole other topic. But it also ties in with your suggestion to talk the situation over with family. At first I was puzzled, because, seriously, a person can't figure out for themselves that they're overreacting to some small provocation? But if you're taking this to the next level, then the point is extremely valid.

*Penb*
Don't sweat the small stuff
temporarily lose site [sight]

I thought the question/revelation part could use some more formatting. More spacing, or now that we have these nifty little emoticons, I would be unable to resist using this one. *Boxcheck*

*Captainwheel*
Lasting Impression
We're here to celebrate your 13th! account anniversary, not nitpick your work. I enjoyed my time here spent reading, and your work prompted me to write down a few of my own thoughts, which was one of your intentions. So, well done!

** Image ID #1887901 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
753
753
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Surprise, Slinks!
HAPPY 14th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*PartyHatP* "Anniversary Reviews" *PartyHatP*


*Hotair2*
Overall Impression
Sometimes when I write anniversary reviews, the member has been absent for quite a long while. But this is a recent poem, and that's one of the reasons I wanted to read this piece, but what pulled me in was the clever title and the brief description.

*Hotair2*
Thoughts
I'm not a reviewer of poetry, so my comments are focused on intent and the message. I did notice you consistently used no punctuation, and that's a 'rule' that's in my brain.

It displeases me immensely that I relate at all to this poem. I've never been treated exactly like this, but too many times I've fallen for some guy's pretty lies. It's hard for me to see beyond that which I desire, which is my fault.

I like how you emphasized that the girl allowed the man to make her feel something. It's so easy to blame another person, but a healthy mind is aware.

The first line in the fifth stanza reflected the title that held power over me. The phrasing and placement of rubber band was very effective in making that line stand out among the others.

*Pencil*
Maybe you're just using me, [your] just one of those guys
you're

About the title. I was wondering if [like] and [rubber band] should be capitalized.

*Books4*
In closing
Overall, the message in the poem was easy to grasp. (Which is another reason why I was able to review this piece.) The words are frank, honest, and open.

My only thought was that some of the words are a little cliche. In my mind, I see a young woman, no more than eighteen years old expressing herself.

But that's just my take. One reader's reflection. Please feel free to disregard any comments that don't help, or offend. After all, this is your anniversary month! And you should keep on writing!

** Image ID #1902395 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
754
754
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Surprise, Jace! It's an Anniversary Review!

HAPPY 7th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*PartyHatP* "Anniversary Reviews" *PartyHatP*


*Boxcheck* I wanted to offer a review because I bet purple cases scare away some members. Can't let that happen!

*Hotair2*
Overall Impression
First, I thought you were crazy. Who writes down goals to be achieved? It would make me a nervous wreck, especially thinking about another member reading it. Silly, I know. I admire your confidence.

*Hotair2*
Thoughts
It makes perfect sense that this list came from a Dear Me letter. I've never written one, but it's obvious you're an organized person who is committed to achieving wants and needs.

The opening paragraph lets the reader know right away what they'll be looking at. I liked what you said. Reasons for failing do not matter. I might have chosen another word than failing, though. It sounds so negative. But I get your point.

The third paragraph gave you some leeway, which makes sense. Real life gets in the way of not only our WdC goals, but also outside accomplishments are hindered by the constraints of reality.

And, you made up rules for yourself!

*Books4*
In closing
I liked the idea of writing long hand letters to people. The last time I tried, it became quickly evident that my skills have deteriorated. Not to mention my ability to spell.

You last updated this in March. Since this is your anniversary month, is it time for an edit? Jace, you're an inspiration for any member who reads this. *Wink*

** Image ID #1902395 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
755
755
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,
HAPPY 14th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*PartyHatP* "Anniversary Reviews" *PartyHatP*


*Hotair2*
Overall Impression
Part of the fun in Anniversary Reviews is poking around in a member's portfolio and looking back over the years. It didn't take me too long to settle on something fairly recent, in terms of fourteen years on the website! This is practically a new item.

*Star* The title is catchy and descriptive. *Checkg*

*Hotair2*
Thoughts
I understand you set this up for a specific event. I've participated in a few site wide anniversary celebrations. But this activity has too much dedication and love invested in it to be ignored. You don't even have to wait for another WdC anniversary.

Your activity could be updated and refitted for any contest. The activity is actually quite complex, and at the same time, beautifully simple. Each event is ultimately about reviewing, but I kept grinning over all the details you imagined. Supplies needed, danger level, perks and more.

Just the updating would be a huge time investment, but for such a unique opportunity, I bet you'd find participants. I can't remember ever seeing anything like this, but compared to you, I'm just a newbie.

*Idea*
My only thought is a personal preference in presentation. I like to see pages with consistent fonts and coordinating colors. But you're the creator. I'm just the observer.

*Books4*
In closing
As an "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  member, this would be a great activity for the group, although you'd have to choose the timing carefully. The site is relatively quiet in the summer. Some members may welcome a clever distraction. It's always a good idea to see what activities and contests are up and running before choosing dates.

I hope you plan to spend even more years at WdC, and keep wowing us with your creativity. *Bigsmile*



** Image ID #1902395 Unavailable **
756
756
Review of Am I wrong?  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Whiskerface,
Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
Up Close and Personal One Day Raid!


*Captainwheel*
Thoughts/Impressions
After reading your excellent work, I understand why you're asking the question, Am I Wrong? My answer is no, there's nothing wrong with what you're experiencing. First, because no experience can be measured against another's, and I have the sense that's partly what's plaguing you. You're aware of how most people grieve, of how your family is reacting, and it's the opposite of your feelings. Also, I think your thoughts are beautiful and healthy.

Your mom lived a full life, and as you stated, all she wanted was to be reunited with her husband. Where's the sadness in that? In a way, all the joy you experienced on a day that should be shadowed in pain, is a more natural reaction. I don't like it when people say "your mom would have wanted you to be happy" because the person is dead. Moved on. Some believe the dead watch over the ones they left behind. That's a comforting thought, but not for me.

I don't want this review to be about me, but the early demise of my sister, when she was only thirty, affects me completely differently than the recent loss of my dad. Every feeling is legitimate and acceptable. It's what makes us who we are.

*Captainwheel*
What I liked
All of it. *Heart* Writing personal non-fiction is looking in a mirror. Do we like what we see? You asked if breaking down would be easier. My answer would be, only you know that, and there's no point in judging yourself.

*Captainwheel*
In conclusion
I hope after writing this, you've made things a little better for yourself. Negative emotion benefits no one. I'm not saying death isn't sad, I'm only saying it's personal for the survivors. It's okay to be okay with your mom's passing.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
757
757
Review of My Dad's Shoes  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Kings, or is it Tazzy?
Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
Up Close and Personal One Day Raid!


*Captainwheel*
Thoughts/Impressions
This is one piece I didn't want to read, but couldn't resist. Last year, my dad passed away. We are only four siblings now, and from what I've read, a father's death is the most difficult for the oldest son.

I listen to and watch my brother, knowing his acceptance is far from my own. Unlike your dad, who you so lovingly describe, my dad was stoic and rarely spoke. But he was a respected member of the community. He did everything 'right' in life, and I don't think that's something (in his own mind) my brother can live up to.

So, I was interested in what your experience has been, and from your words, it seems your dad was a 'big man' in the ways of the world, but he was more accessible than mine.

*Captainwheel*
What I liked the most
I hear acceptance in your words. I think it's natural to feel like your shoes make smaller imprints, but you can't be sure that's how others see you.

*Penb*
Don't sweat the small stuff
I found it interesting that you used a period at the end of every line, even the sentences that weren't complete.

*Captainwheel*
In conclusion
You wrote this way back in 2001, but updated it this past month. Are the feelings expressed here different from the ones from before? The passage of time often changes perspectives, but some moments are absolute. I keep trying to put thoughts about my dad to paper, but I end up with mostly emotional writing. My dad never liked emotions.

It feels weird to end the review here. I've never read anything else you've written. I've never come across your name in the circles where I run. Guess I'm just a random reviewer with some thoughts to share.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
758
758
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Meggy,
Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
Up Close and Personal One Day Raid!


*Captainwheel*
Thoughts/Impressions
I was drawn to the title of this piece and the brief description. Sometimes, when we write about ourselves and it's negative, people want to rush in and "save us". I don't think that's what your work is about. I could be wrong, but I have darkness in my portfolio that reflects how I was feeling at that specific moment. Usually, I've moved on since then, and that's why I like your brief description so much. It let me know, right up front, that this is a moment in your life and you were not asking for help. You're expressing, which is something writers can do well.

Of course, there's also a part of me that wants to say, Oh no! I'm sure your parents don't think of you as less than you are. If you've hit a rough spot--here comes the sympathy--I hope you've moved beyond this moment and are out from under your hood.

*Captainwheel*
What I liked the most
There's magic in music, giving the third phrase in this piece a powerful meaning, to me. This is the one phrase that really struck me as the most expressive.

*Captainwheel*
After thoughts
Darn. I can't stop the mom in me coming out, even though I said I would not. As a parent, there's nothing about my children I cannot forgive. And they have put me to the test, especially my son.

I hope you're over laying awake at night thinking you're no good. If not, then it's okay to own the feelings you've expressed here. Keep writing. It always helps me. *Smile*

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
759
759
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Jeff,
Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
Up Close and Personal One Day Raid!


*Captainwheel*
Thoughts/Impressions
This is so weird. I just saw a performance of "Shut up and Dance" on an episode of "The Voice." Yes, I'm addicted to singing, but the commercials are killing me.

I've never seen this clip before, and it's a riot to watch. I don't think I was laughing out loud, but no one is here to tell on me.

Yours was a thorough review of the song and the band. I'm not usually one to check up on the facts behind the song, so I've been educated.

*Captainwheel*
What I liked
Jeff, you made this your own. After a few general comments in the second paragraph, you began to relate with a personal observation. You must be the introspective guy because you demonstrated how the song pertains to your marriage, both past and ongoing.

I could be envious because I'm horrible at relationships, but it's awesome to hear a success story.

*Captainwheel*
In conclusion
Any and all of your work is instantly recognizable. The quality and presentation are always topnotch. You don't just skim by with a sleight of hand, you find the time to make everything you create count. *Thumbsup*

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
760
760
Review of Fragmented Minds  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Panille,
Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
Up Close and Personal One Day Raid!


Here's a link that will lead you to some awesome newbie resources.

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


*Captainwheel*
Thoughts/Impressions

The Accurately Devastating Title says everything.
(I wouldn't use the period at the end, though. Not in a title.)

You're extremely brave, putting your thoughts out there for the community to read. Schizophrenics tend to isolate themselves, sometimes for protection. The mind, already fielding tumultuous thoughts, simply cannot accept any more input from the world. The brain shuts down.

When the symptoms kick in, schizophrenics are basically on their own. Anti-psychotics can do only so much. When a person is taking medicine well above the recommended dose, there's nowhere to go. No recourse other than to ride the episode out. Sometimes days continue ruthlessly, while the rational mind struggles to make the subconscious mind aware that what's happening isn't real. That it's only our brain playing tricks.

Using the alphabet can be a defense. Begin by thinking of every word beginning with the letter A. When you run out of words, go to the next and then the next.

At best, the person can isolate the trigger and avoid things that escalate in the mind.

*Captainwheel*
What I liked
The formatting reflected the title and topic. It was well done and creative. Very representative of what's happening the mind.

*Captainwheel*
In conclusion
Your accounting of the mental disorder is accurate, and I think it's presented in a way people with normal minds can begin to grasp the terror that grips.

Lasting impression: 5 stars lined up, just for you.
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
761
761
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi dt james!
My name is Nixie and I'd like to offer you a welcoming review. You can click the link below that leads to some valuable newbie resources.

*Balloon5* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *Balloon5*


*Bookopen*
Overall Impression
The strangest thing happened to me when I started reading your story. I think it's the way you vary your sentence structure, a few shorts, then longer ones, and just the words you use are so compelling I was actually moving my lips, nearly reading out loud. Crazy, right? Crazy awesome writing, for sure.

*Bookopen*
Plot/Setting/Characters
You have a way of putting the reader into your story. The prose is never too heavy, but the story still feels magical. The only one I didn't like very much was [as quickly as a cat on a mouse]. It seemed too heavy-handed when balanced with the action. But, that's just me with an opinion.

You lost me when the narrator said this was all in a dream. So, now I'm not sure what era this is taking place in. Is this a dreamscape? The Old Man is a delightful mystery to be discovered.

The second to last paragraph about the two different children drawing on the same page? Brilliant. My favorite sentence? The very last one.

Your story promises a great deal. I see you've written several chapters. You can link them together by placing item links to the next chapter at the end, so your readers can easily click over. You don't want to lose them if they have to go back into your port to find the next chapter. If the link was here right now, I would pop over into the next chapter to soothe my curiosity.

*Traincar2b*
Parting thoughts
You've really excelled in this story. There's no mistakes or wordiness. The word choices are evocative and unusual. You brought the scenes to life.

Keep on writing. Don't let anyone discourage you. Email me if you have any questions. *Smile*


** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
762
762
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Cale Fast. My name is Nixie and I'd like to offer you a welcoming review. One reader's reaction. *Wink* You can click the link below and find some awesome resources for newbies.

Welcome to WDC from
*Balloonr* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


*StarR*
Overall Impression
Great title! But the brief description didn't sit well with me. I shy from violence. I clicked on the title, anyway. To be honest, I still almost skipped reading this because there's no paragraphing or formatting. Just one big block of text that put a crimp in my neck. However, it only took a few sentences to get me hooked. Great work!

*StarR*
Plot/Setting/Characters
A good part of the appeal comes from the first person present tense POV. The narrative runs like a string of consciousness, but it's clever and quirky. I sympathized with the kid and his attitude. His acceptance of circumstances, and his lenience towards those who are prejudiced against him impressed me.

I was nodding my head when I learned he'd hidden the dress behind an ugly brown coat. I've done the same thing, knowing the dress will be on sale later. It actually works.

Oops
I found only a few mistakes here and there.
Breath [breathe]
your [you're]
Spell out numbers less than 100

*Checkg* I had to grin when you wrote "This was New York" because sometimes people think New York State is New York City. I always have to correct them. I'm from upper New York State. It baffles them.

*StarR*
Parting thoughts
This was a kid who didn't get what he deserved. You played it out right to the end, keeping up the suspense, but maintaining his character. Practical and wise. Accepting. Nice writing doling out the last scene in painful detail. You effectively made me care for this fictional character. That's great writing! Now, please add some paragraphing?

** Image ID #1887901 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
763
763
Review of Candor  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Mage!

Despite my tough girl signature, I'm just Nixie, here to give you a welcoming review. You can click the link below and find some outstanding resources for newbies.

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


*StarR*
Overall Impression
This story is the creative element in creativity. It was such an unusual write, I couldn't stop myself from reading, even though I kept thinking how weird the story was. Actually, that weirdness was a stroke of genius that delivered a compelling plot.

*Boxcheck* Just a quick reminder. Be sure to spell out numbers less than 100. That was my only distraction. Okay, one more. The last time I flew, we were served peanuts and a drink. What airline offers a full meal for a two hour flight? I want to fly with them!

*StarR*
Plot/Setting/Characters
The story begins on a strange note. A conversation that could be taking place anywhere, but such an unusual topic squelched any objections. The setting appeared in the next paragraph, and soon you had both characters visible. Good work!

Well! This took me on a totally unexpected journey. As you intended, I was shocked when the conclusion wrapped up the story. I was also a little incredulous. Even if the guy was who he said, (which explains a lot, but I don't want to give it away) how could that woman ignore what she'd learned?

SPOILER! Reviewers, don't read this part.
My favorite sentence was "I am that tune." The man seemed so harmless, maybe a little vague and disconcerting, but that sentence floored me. The whole mood of the story shifted into something frightening. It also explained his mental lapses. If he can do what he says, control lives and events then he's a deity, or God. Right? Not a very compassionate entity, either.

*StarR*
Parting thoughts
Major points for creativity! Also, you know your way around a story. The one typical part was the "nice, blue sky and fluffy clouds." It's a valid observation, but with your level of writing, I expected a more creative description. But, it's not a main event, and it can be argued that this is in keeping with the character's thought patterns. Does she have a name?

Keep writing! *Delight* Don't let anyone discourage you. *Thumbsdownl*

** Image ID #1887901 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
764
764
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Library Pat!

My name is Nixie, and I'd like to welcome you to WdC with a review. You can click the link below, where you'll find some great newbie resources.

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


*StarR*
Overall Impression
What I liked about this story was the illustration of how disparate backgrounds can lead to conflict in couples. Unequal levels of education is definitely one of those problems. I was surprised when [he] came out with his explanation. Good work!

*StarR*
Plot/Setting/Characters
I have a few thoughts that you might be interested in. Otherwise, just ignore this. Part of what makes a story compelling is to bring the reader right into the action. Rather than explain [her] thoughts, the story could be stronger if you used dialogue, like you did in the conclusion, from the very beginning. Show the reader the story, don't tell them. Or add the girl's thoughts within her words, using italics. Giving your characters names would also help bring the reader into the story. It would look something like this.

Sara, standing toe to toe with Evan, fists bunched, listened to his latest tirade. This is it. I'm definitely breaking up with him. I just wish he wasn't so cute.

Also, there was disparity in the reasons for breaking up. In the beginning, she's angry because he's always putting her down, or saying mean and negative things to her. That doesn't quite fit with the conclusion where he states that he explains stuff to her so she won't think he's stupid. Or is that what you meant by putting her down? You could make that a bit more consistent, or clearer.

Keep the action immediate. It didn't suddenly start to rain. Earlier she noticed the darkening sky, which set the mood for the story. She can look up as huge raindrops splash on her face.

So, here's a few examples of keeping the action immediate.
big rain drops started to fall > big drops fell
great big drops that [almost] hurt when they hit your face. Taking out [almost] would make the action stronger.
They began to run
They ran
The rain started coming down in torrents,
The rain was coming down in torrents,
o that most of the area they were standing in [began to get wet.]
was soaked.
She realized they had both been feeling the same strong feelings for each other.
Watch out for word repetition. Something like this:
She saw her feelings mirrored in his eyes.

*StarR*
Parting thoughts
I was a bit confused in the end. It seemed to me that if the guy thought the girl was smarter, he wouldn't be explaining things to her. Wouldn't he just assume she understood? I would, unless he was talking physics when she understood poetry. I can imagine her explaining things to him, and that would be a source of conflict.

So, here's the big but: This is your story, and you should write it however you want to. I'm just showing you a bit of story craft. I don't want to scare you off, because it's obvious you're a talented writer.

I like how you had the rain intervene. Nature taking its course and saving a relationship. An excellent observation! You also have insight into relationships, and that's a huge part of the writing craft. So keep on writing!

** Image ID #1887901 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
765
765
Review of One Crazy Day  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Neasha! My name is Nixie and I'd like to offer you a welcoming review. *Bigsmile*

*Balloonb* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *Balloonb*


*Penb* Overall Impression
This story has magnificent potential! All you need help with is some basic formatting and story telling skills. Here's a few thoughts for you.

*Penb* Emotions evoked
I like to connect with the characters, and that's what I'm looking for. If these friends are out together and having a marvelous time, I'd like to enjoy that part of their day, without the forewarning of a kidnapping.

If you paragraph this correctly, giving each character their own paragraph when the dialogue switches, it will be much clear who is talking about what. You don't have to say: I told my friends what we'll do next. Just use the dialogue.

I would suggest taking this out of a flashback, and let the reader grow comfortable with the friends enjoying themselves. Then shoot your readers with the big conflict that will drive the story. It will come from nowhere, and be totally unexpected. You didn't give away the information in the brief description, so good job with that. *Thumbsup*

Another aspect to investigate would be the use of multiple punctuation marks, when you want to show the character's enthusiasm through actions, not punctuation. Action should also be shown, not capitalized.

"Aight yall! Lets roll!!" Tyler said.
Here's a quick example of showing.
"Let's roll" Tyler said, fist-pumping the air.

*Trainb* Trailing thoughts
I noticed you joined and posted your first piece on the same day. Yesterday, as I'm writing this review. That's awesome! Why not take a look around at what other author's have written and you'll see some examples of correct formatting and story craft. Then, come back and edit this, if you choose.

The main point is to never stop trying and always keep writing. Please email me with any questions. Have fun! *Wink*


** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


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Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Elysia!
My name is Nixie and I'm here to welcome you to WdC by offering a review. And make sure you check out this valuable resource!

*Balloon5* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *Balloon5*


Overall Impression
I began reading this because I felt a connection to the narrator. Some days just don't feel worth living for. Sometimes even a negative happening can be a welcome break from the boredom. I think that's what the narrator was experiencing.

Plot/Setting/Characters
My connection sort of disengaged as the narrator's appearance was revealed. (Just so you know, allowing a character to look in a mirror to show the reader its appearance, is the type of shortcut writer's avoid.) Still, you made it your own by adding in the narrator's voice.

I smiled at the part where the narrator divulges the truth about her languages. The subjects have developed their own, which cannot be understood by the teachers. Excellent imagination! And it gave me to clue into how the captors related to each other.

I wasn't joking in if an explanation didn't come quick i'd punch her lights out, but in a lighthearted,friendly way, of course.
This sentence tells me so much about the character. You've already shown us her vulnerability, and I've had the impression she could take and give back in kind, but I really liked this display of her dry humor.

I wondered why entities teleport are considered the butt of jokes.

Huge relief when the narrator was finally given a name, Darko, even if the origins of it were dubious. It seemed to fit the character. All this time I've assumed the narrator was a female. Was I correct? And Rashida can mimic anything? Even a chair? I love it. If the prisoners ever do make a break for it, I can't wait to see these characters in action.

You did a great job creating a school-like atmosphere, complete with bullying and friendships. To me, a story worth reading is one where I can identify with the characters. I would never have squinted through this if I wasn't interested in their welfare.

Things that go clunk
Your story would be so much easier to read to you used a regular sized font. I had to squint through most of it, but I kept reading. As I read, I couldn't help by notice several errors that can be easily corrected. The corrections are in brackets. []

I slumped over to my cheap [looks like its] [ I looked through] [which looks like] [I had eventually given up on looking]
In the paragraph above, the word look is used four times. This creates repetition and lessens the impact of the verb. I keep a Thesaurus with me when I write. *Thumbsup*

I would also suggest a spell checker.
No one knows whats [what's] outside
ajoining[adjoining] trouser part eneded [ended]
stained the woden [wooden] frame
cracked paint seemed to be appering [appearing]
My tounge [tongue]
for peace and quite. [quiet]
revealing myself to the mercilus day ahead.[merciless]
it's apperence,[appearance] apart from the similations [simulations]
is run in the open feilds [fields]
You could sometimes overhere [overhear]
I retorted in my early morning chattyness.[chattiness] She only shock [shook]her head
storys [stories] we here [hear]
we get brought [bought] by the big compaines! [companies]
a serge of power flow [surge]
which ment [meant] I was free
ace grew a darker shade of grimson, [crimson]
it was rather a habbit. [habit] She simply mimced [mimicked]

In closing
No doubt here there's some serious issues with spelling. Proofreading your own work before posting is essential. Members range from hobbyists to professional, published writers. We're all learning from each other. So, the idea is to always put your best effort out there, because members will associate what and who you are based on the quality and subject matter.

I think you have a strong story here in need of some serious editing. What counts is that the solid foundation is in place, and the conflicts are lined up and ready to branch off from the main plot. Take the time necessary to give your masterpiece the attention it deserves. And keep on writing! *Bigsmile*

Rating this is difficult. Because of the excessive misspelling, this piece falls below average. But the story is strong. If you love it, you'll come back and fix it. I'll mark it as average and hope you get into some heavy editing.

Please email me with any concerns. *Wink*

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


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767
767
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi N. Alawadi

Here's a review from your Nuclear Package courtesy of "Invalid Item" 


Your package includes reviews of four small items, but since this is the only item in your portfolio, that's what I'll be reviewing.

Overall Impression
Wow! You certainly know how to begin a story with a vivid scene! Overall, this is a great, cultural story that was well-written and engrossing. It was easy to identify with the characters, and the plot unfolded in an even flow.

Plot/Characters/Setting
I wanted to rush to the side of the character and over help, without even knowing why he was hurt. The second paragraph was equally eloquent in showing the reason for the fight.

The dialogue is perfectly suited to teenagers, with the quick responses and teasing.

I like how you held out on Laith's secret, but I'll admit to being astonished by the way he treated his mom. He actually made her whimper? Wow, that's sad and unjustified. I'm sure his parents were doing their best, even if it wasn't enough for Laith.

You handled scene descriptions like a pro. At all times I had a clear vision of where the action was taking place, but this was never overdone or interfered with the plot. You gave the reader just enough to show the area and then let loose your characters. Good work!

Click here
Considerations ▼

Parting thoughts
The main point here is the cultural clash between those with money and those without. I wonder if Laith was able to keep up appearances in his clothing, if his family was on the lower side of the income scale.

You created a tantalizing leader into the next chapter. The monetary differences were displayed with a sense of vehemence on both sides of the street. I bet this leads to further trouble for Laith.

Keep up the good work and write the next chapter. Your fans will be waiting. Nice write!


** Image ID #1729365 Unavailable **


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Review of Nerys  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)
HiOsirantinous
Here's a review for your Lightning Package from "Invalid Item" 
as gifted by ~ Aqua ~


*Lightning*
Overall Impression
Love the cover art! Is that your real kitty?

I simply could not resist reading and reviewing this non-fiction story. I liked the straightforwardness of the work, you opened up to show your emotions and vulnerabilities. I also found some solid knowledge here about adopting cats, including how to introduce them to a new home and current pet. It would be awesome if someone came across this as an informational article. You covered just about everything to keep in mind when choosing. Right down to the 'think about it overnight' decision.

*Lightning*
Thoughts
A few years ago, a stray, black kittenish kitty just waltzed into my apartment. I didn't want any more cats, I'd already lost so many. But, I felt responsible. Not knowing her sex, I named her Porsche. She's the meanest cat I've ever owned. She's mostly feral.

Like you said, there has to be a zing between cat and pet parent. Porsche is the last cat I would have picked had I a choice. Unlike Nerys, Porsche never once purred.

*Boxcheck* I think everyone at the animal shelter would have understood why you were crying. I bet they see it all the time.

*Checkg*You were so forthcoming about everything, I felt a bit let down when I didn't learn why you chose the name Nerys for your new kitty.

*Pencil*
Considerations
I was surprised a 'chipped cat' didn't have the owner's identity. Oh, I get it. When the shelter spayed the kitten, they chipped her. Is that correct?

I consider[] it a bit of a sign
Everything else is past tense. I think you want [considered] not consider here.

*Lightning* *Cat*
Parting Comments
Great write!
The irony at the end was the best. I hope you do have years to share with Nerys. *Heart*



** Image ID #1729357 Unavailable **


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Review of A Hard Decision  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Sailor M! Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Spring Raid. We're reviewing in the action/adventure genre.


*StarR*
Overall Impression
Without cover art, a strong title and flat brief description, this piece had a few strikes against it from the start. Still, I didn't find reason to turn away from this read.

*StarR*
Plot/Setting/Characters
I feel like I read a skeleton story. All the bones are here, but nothing of character, clear setting, or plot. The conclusion I drew was your intention was to surprise the reader by showing human integrity, when in most stories, we shoot first, then ask questions.

The crew stood together and made a tough call. The morally right one. And they were allowed to live because they showed integrity.

Now, maybe that's all you wanted from this work, and that's your choice. I think you'd get more reaction and identification from your readers if you gave the story the full treatment.

*StarR*
Parting thoughts
I do understand that sometimes a story serves one purpose, so I won't belabor the point of fleshing out this foundation. It's something worth pursuing, though. *Smile*

** Image ID #1887901 Unavailable **


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770
770
Review of Captain Griffon  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Gregory! Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Spring Review Raid! We're reviewing in the action/adventure genre, and this story fell right in.

*BulletB*
Thoughts/Impressions
Guess what drew me into your story, apart from the genre? The cover art, title and brief description sold me on this story, so great work right from the start! You had me pumped and ready to see the woman in action.

*BulletB*
Setting/Plot/Characters
Setting:
Setting was established in the first few paragraphs, preparing the reader by presenting some dark elements. Noises played a part in this also, boots pounding effectively sets the heart pounding. The name of the tavern was evocative and actually made me smile.

The thundering crack of the door added tension to the upcoming confrontation.

One thought I had about the setting was the possible need to establish the height of the tavern, because a special point is made to show Valarie's height. I pictured the tavern as low, dark, and dingy.

Characters:
I liked Captain Griffon right away. Who wouldn't? At take charge woman who knows what she wants. The fighting ended quickly, with Captain Alcazar taking control.

More than mere antagonists, I can see Griffon and Alcazar as matched opponents. And if the story continues, they might come to find they share similar values. That's just me reading romance in between the lines.

Because Alcazar is one tough guy, cocky and taunting Griffon, who holds her own.

This is a swift plot, sort of a snapshot of an ongoing story. The action is lively and easy to visualize.

The comic relief of DUCK worked well, especially since Manual is the one calling the warning.

Griffon has justified grievances against Alcazar, although I wonder if there's more to the story.

Griffon choosing to save her man rather than take down Manual showed the reader that she had integrity and restraint. She cares for her men, even at the expense of letting the bad guy escape.


Considerations
In this scruffy tumble, with all the characteristics of a long time past, the phrase 'warm and fuzzy inside" didn't seem to fit the plot elements or Valarie's personality.

In the first sentence, I thought the simile of "like the beat of war drums" was a bit over the top. Just the boots stamping in unison created the mood you conjured.

The red haired captain
The red-haired (hyphenate words that modify a noun)

“You are a rather large woman” He said to her chest. I think--

Something to consider in punctuation.
"You are a rather large woman," he said to her chest. "I think--

There's a few other mistakes peppered throughout, and maybe some fine tuning is needed, but overall the story is solid and enjoyable.


*BulletB*
In conclusion
My comment is so telling of my personality. I wanted Manual to be taller than Griffon. *Laugh*

Thanks for the great read.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


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771
Review of Caterina  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Header for The Gift Shop
Thank you for your order at "Invalid Item" !

Hi, Anistasya! Today it's my pleasure to read your story. I'm a writer, just like you, and all I'm offering are my impressions as a reader.

Overall Impression
From this story, I had Caterina visualized as a heroine, interested in the welfare of her people. When I briefly researched Forli and Catherine De Medici, she wasn't described as a nice woman who cared for the poor. She wasn't the cause of wars, but she did create turmoil.

The children she bore didn't line up with what is written here.

Setting that discrepancy aside, I completed related to this sentence.
We are a family of warriors, we show no fear

All the women in my family line are strong females, and at first this is how I pictured Caterina.

Setting/Plot/Characters
In only a matter of paragraphs, you showed the reader where Caterina lived, using the senses of smells and mentioning societal norms. *Thumbsup*

It's not often that looking into a character's back story comes off so flawlessly as this one. The step back was as natural as the step that returned me to the present. It wasn't overly explained, just detailed enough to suit the purposes of the story.

Fine Tuning ▼

Closing Thoughts
Allowing that I might have misinterpreted the history of the story, I have no issues with anything else. (I didn't spend hours studying the woman, I only quickly read her biography.)

I think the pace and words suit the time period you're referencing. It's a quiet statement that left me wanting to champion Caterina, but only as she's presented here, not in the history I read.

~Nixie


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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772
Review of I Am  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Nu Thu!

*Balloon5* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *Balloon5*


*Bookopen*
Overall Impression
As a first attempt at sci-fi, I think this story is a success. You presented the reader with a philosophical, scientific story, probably believable.

*Bookopen*
Plot/Setting/Characters
As I read this, I kept picturing the story in my head. I imagined what the team members looked like and tried to formulate dialogue in my head. I pictured the room where they were working. Was it pristine? Was there a break room overflowing with cold cups of coffee, crumpled papers, soggy takeout food?

I think this is something you can do with this story. It's called showing vs. telling. The parts where the Intelligence speaks will do well in between heated debates and attempts of the scientists to remain calm and objective while their heads are spinning.

You can write conversations about how they got their funding. It's always good in a technical story to have a clueless person, so a character can explain to the reader what exactly is going on.

Rather than saying they were perplexed, you can show puzzlement. Are they rubbing their foreheads? Pacing? What did the room look like when order resumed?


*Traincar2b*
Parting thoughts
No doubt this appeals on an intellectual level, but for a fun read, it's dry and longish. If that sounds insulting, then I haven't explained myself very clearly. Your story is fine as written. If you're happy with it, then that's great.

But, if you want to turn this into a thrilling techno-story, you'd have a highly readable piece of work here. You have so much to draw upon, with all the countless science fiction television shows, characters who act as nerds or savants. These can be your characters. If the idea appeals to you.

As far as mechanics and grammar issues, there's no major faults running through the story line. So, I will leave you here with my thoughts, which are yours to ignore or explore. Keep writing!

** Image ID #1873619 Unavailable **
~Nixie


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
773
773
Review of Beyond  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi there!

*Balloon5* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *Balloon5*


*Bookopen*
Overall Impression
I'll admit to confusion as a lasting impression. So much of the story sounded profound, but when the dialogue came along, I lost my way.

*Bookopen*
Plot/Setting/Characters
I liked the idea of disliking the layers that separate people from reality. I'm not sure what it meant in this particular story, but I often feel as if something is going on beyond what my eyes perceive. Maybe this guy, who sounds excruciatingly intelligent, has to buffered from the world.

He's a writer, of some sort. At least I think that's what he's referring to when he states 'slices of dead trees'. This made perfect sense to me, because that's what I think about paper.

I had never done drugs except for the worst kinds
I'm not sure what this meant.

For all the guys reading--
What is he referring to? Girls like guys who are intelligent and well read?

Why was the woman so concerned about him recognizing the connection between the two of them? And what is in the book? It feels like I'm reading half a story, one part in the shadows, obscuring the meaning.

If you look at the story, it's unbalanced. Blocks of text, followed by lines of dialogue with no sentence tags. Most of the time it's clear who is speaking, but there seems to be a lot in between the lines that's missing. What exactly is 'nothing'? I was hoping for a few clarifying paragraphs to wrap this up.

*Bookopen*
Click here:
Fine Tuning ▼

*Traincar2b*
Parting thoughts
If I'm not the only one who is confused by this, you might have to do some editing after you receive more reviews. If you're happy with your work as it stands, then you need do nothing. I feel as if you just need to let go and pull a little more from your mind to make this a stronger read.

You're obviously free to completely ignore me. I'm just a reader with an opinion. And maybe totally oblivious.


** Image ID #1873619 Unavailable **
~Nixie


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
774
774
Review of Paper Pushers  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Machka!

*Balloon5* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *Balloon5*


*Bookopen*
Overall Impression
This story is a nightmare experience of waiting in a hospital emergency room. The narrator is already an angry person, and the overall effect of the story is one of unease.

*Bookopen*
Plot/Setting/Characters
I hope this is truly fiction and not based on anything real. My experiences in emergency rooms have improved over the years. The waiting times have been greatly lessened and treatment comes much faster. For the most part, the employees and medical staff are courteous and prompt. If they don't care, they certainly know how to fake it.

This poor guy's wait is inexcusable. His anger seemed justified, if a little snarky in the opening paragraph. He's got a sharp edge to his humor, but in some ways he's right. Those express lines in grocery stores do seem just as long as the regular lines.

I was struck by the originality of a nurse being likened to a flight attendant, a cart of pillows and blankets vs. beverages and snacks.

The woman in the teddy bear scrubs is clearly visualized. It's not a pretty picture, but it's vivid.*Thumbsup*
She's wrong, but he's threatening.

*Traincar2b*
Parting thoughts
I think my question after reading this is to ask the purpose of the story. Is it just about an angry jerk waiting? Obviously the reference to highway 109 is of significance to him, but I couldn't quite put the pieces together with the last sentence. Is he asking whose death he didn't care about and wanting equality between the victims his neighbors cared for? Wow. That's cruel.

You certainly know how to portray a super-charged furious man. It felt as if I was in the emergency room with him, and I was actually scared. The story is disturbing, but the effect is impressive. *Checkg*


** Image ID #1873619 Unavailable **
~Nixie


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
775
775
Review of Journey Unknown  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Emily!

*Balloon5* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *Balloon5*


*Bookopen*
Overall Impression
First, let me suggest you change the brief description into something enticing, rather than a dry fact. *Thumbsupl* Neither does the title give the reader any clues.

*Bookopen*
Plot/Setting/Characters
Well, this story taunted me with secrets. Left me wanting to know more, which is good news for the author!

As the plot unfolded, the impression of a destroyed world blossomed from a world ruined by one person, Lana's brother. Although there's still so much to learn. I liked that Lana had doubts about trusting Hazel. It gave Hazel questionable integrity, which created more interest.

The concept of people being tested to determine job placement is not an uncommon theme. I don't think I've read anything about marriage choices. So that was fun to think about. And Lana says they're not working out. In this part, it's almost a backwards step for society--marriages were determined by blood lines and property gains.

*Bookopen*
Click here:
Fine Tuning ▼

*Traincar2b*
Parting thoughts
Not a whole lot happens in this chapter, but it's a necessary one to establish your story world. You left the reader with a hanging question, which was an excellent idea. There's more to know, and somehow, Lana is bringing potential change with her.

I took a few minutes more to show some areas that need correcting. I suggest editing this chapter to pick up any errors. Otherwise, you're good to go. I have a feeling the best is yet to come!


** Image ID #1873619 Unavailable **
~Nixie


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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