Nixie's (nixie9) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

3,296 Public Reviews Given

3,335 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

Template most of the time, covering setting/plot/characters/conflict/resolution if applicable. For shorter works, I concentrate more on feelings evoked.

I'm good at...

Short story, chapter reviews and in-depth reviews.

Favorite Genres

Sci-fi, Romance, mystery, children's

Least Favorite Genres

Historical

Favorite Item Types

Short stories, novel chapters

Least Favorite Item Types

essay, editorial, non-fiction, somebody's homework assignment

I will not review...

XGC, poems, prose. I am an animal activist and vegan, so cruelty or violent, unnecessary, death due to negligence is overwhelming. I am unable to review any pieces involving abuse of any kind to anyone. I like to keep my corner or the world happy, because I grew beyond my "challenges" of childhood and don't want to look back.

776

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4098853

Review of Line between many worlds

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hi, Caticia!

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Overall Impression
Mostly I'm reviewing this to let you know all of the sentence endings cannot be seen. And I have a 17 inch PC screen. I'm not sure if this is a problem with formatting, but hoping you can work it out.

Emotions evoked
Because so much of the story was cut off, it's difficult to describe an impression. You definitely conveyed a feeling of fear. Something to do with demons and possession. I'm guessing the large passage in italics is the demon tormenting Takashi?

There seems to be a bit of teenage angst developing between Takashi and Kanade. I like that he responds in the way his mother taught him. It shows him to be a compassionate character, despite his reluctance to join her club.

Trailing thoughts
I think there's much more to the story than the bit readers can see here. I sincerely hope you can resolve the formatting issue and continue working on this story. I think you have a lot to give.

** Image ID #1873619 Unavailable **
~Nixie

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

777

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4098841

Review of 3. The Lads

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi, Prelooker

I'm here for the third and last chapter posted for this novelette.

Overall Impression
As I suspected, you slowed the story down a bit and provided the reader with a clear view of the Boston PD offices and the SCU, in particular. Great idea, not to have Gillian insist the members stand on predicate, allowing them casual clothing and familiar, not formal names. That really speaks to her character.

Plot/Setting/Characters
You really nailed the description of the team's surroundings. I felt hot and stuffy just reading the story.

You handled the position and actions of the team with aplomb, demonstrating both position within the group and general appearances and a hint of characterization.

Great job showing Gillian commanding Kurt with one word sentences. Very nicely done. And yet he still misses her admonishment. Tanya fills in the gap, as if she's done it a thousand times before. Again, nice characterization and interaction.

I'll admit to surprise that a three time soldier in Iraq was casually dressed, but it underplays his specialty and it's probably a relief to look normal. Those military guys, though. They never lose that authoritative posture. And they're generally people who inspire confidence and safety. I know that's how I feel around my son, anyway. He's done two tours in Iraq. Too bad the sniper has the common name of Fred, but I guess you don't want anyone outshining Declan in name or flash.

One sentence distracted me.
There were only five desks, despite they were seven agents.
What about something like this?
Despite the seven agent task force, there were only five desks.

As the chapter closes, are they discussing a black ink cartridge for the printer? I was a little confused there.

Parting thoughts
This chapter was another fast and abbreviated read. It's worth mentioning again that it might be a good idea to combine some of them for a more fluid flow.

You dropped the reader off with a dangling dialogue that begs we delve into the next chapter. If only there was one!

** Image ID #1887901 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

778

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4098827

Review of 2. Crime Scene

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi, Prelooker

I'm back for the second chapter.

Overall Impression
Crime Scene is exactly what the title suggests. The readers have a chance to see through Belly-Banks'

and Gillian's eyes. It's a fairly straight forward scene with some spicy dialogue.

Plot/Setting/Characters
Of course, the big question in my mind is what kept Gillian and Banks apart for six years? Hm. I wonder what's going on there?

Even though the scene was described in detail, none of it was offensive or disgusting.

The description of the alley was clear in my mind, but I have one lingering thought. After the description, we read "Not a very nice place to be." I have mixed feelings about this sentence. First, it's an understatement, which is something I like. On the flip side, it's unnecessary. And the last thought is, who is saying this? I can go along with the description, as it's clear Banks and Gillian are studying it. The last sentence almost feels like authorial intrusion, and it can take away from the effect. It's up to you to sort out all these perceptions and decide what you works best for the story. Really, though, it's a minor point.

Secondly, the dialogue at the end is snappy, fast, and clever. You might consider adding some sentence tags or physical positions of the characters as it's not always clear who is saying what. As the story progresses, we'll learn more about the characters and I've no doubt this will be clear in the reader's mind.

And for the last, remember to spell out numbers less than 100. Especially in dialogue.

I don't know much about the significance of hash tags. But I don't think it's helping to sell your story to the reader. The name of the chapter acts as a brief description, so it's of no great urgency. Being of that certain age, the appearance of the hash tag bothers me. It looks unprofessional. Just my thoughts, nothing more.

Parting thoughts
I really feel as if we're getting into the meat of the story. You have an unusual approach, showing the reader the bare bones and filling in the details as the story progresses. I'll be interested in seeing how this plays out. In the meantime, keep on writing. At some point, you might consider consolidating the chapters. The smaller word counts help garner more reviews, but it also lends itself to choppiness. And, if you have to worry about portfolio size, longer chapters might help. Unless you're limited by KB's as well. I don't know too much about free memberships.

Your dialogue is spot on. You have a knack for keeping it real, brief and fast exchanges. I just think we need a little bit more so the reader is positive about who's saying what.

I'm off to Chapter three!

** Image ID #1887901 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

779

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4098568

Review of 1. Morning Coffee

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi, Prelooker

I liked your reviews so much, I decided to investigate your writing!

Overall Impression
This was a quickly-paced first chapter with a brief introduction to the characters. Gillian already has a history with every one of them, so we'll probably learn more about the relationships as the chapters progress.

Plot/Setting/Characters
I have a strong impression of the main protagonist. Sharp, witty, single mom, whose son is a good kid, but the remark about Roger confused her. You've created characters that have more than one side to them. Good work!

Gillian is obviously well-liked at the station. She's quick too. I liked the part about telling the guards to put his name into the heart he wanted to draw on the coffee she brought for Henderson, whoever he is.

A few thoughts
Looking at the first paragraph, which is elemental in drawing in the reader --
In the first sentence, consider beginning with "Tasting her coffee, Regan Gillian-- Otherwise, maybe a comma after [on] to offset the phrase would help.
The next sentence begins with the number 44, which confused me. Was the 44 related to the breakfast bar? It's evident you're showing us Regan, but maybe you can find another way to add that in.
Perhaps if the sentence began with the third, "She was wearing-- then you can add in [At 44, her piercing blue eyes--] I don't know. It's something you can play around with.

I really liked how how you explained 'ma'am being added to her name.

You can also show us her eyes piercing someone, rather than listing them as a physical attribute.

still looking still barely standing
I think you have an extra [still] in here

onto a stool grunting “morning…
“So early?” he grunted.
To avoid repetition, maybe he grumbled? I have to keep a Thesaurus on hand when I write.

Parting thoughts
My instincts tell me Gillian will be paired up with Declan Brockner. Nice job choosing unusual names for your characters. That always adds more interest.

I noticed in the next chapter you provided the link back to this one. Why not put the link to the second chapter at the end of this one? There's no doubt I wanted to continue reading. The link would make that more likely to happen.

I think you have this story fleshed out in your mind. But you might need to give the reader a few more details about the characters in this chapter. You provided a quick and clever summation of Gillian's office. I was just a bit confused the scene when Gillian answered her phone with "Hey, Al--" This was another example of feeling tossed into an active plot that wasn't clear to me.

Now, this may very well be your style and it will all come together, so nothing I'm writing is a criticism. I'm only offering a reader's reaction.

Through the various scenes, you've set into motion a combination that never fails. Want/obstacle/action.

The writing is tight and clipped, interesting and intriguing. I read somewhere that publishers are interested in cop teams with male and female protagonists.

You might have a real winner here!

** Image ID #1887901 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

780

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4086024

Review of The Council of Seven

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi Ken! Here's a review from "Invalid Item"

purchased by Lina Black-So Far Behind!!!

Overall Impression
All the clues were present from the beginning, first off, the cover art. The title should have jabbed me. I think it was your brief description that distracted me. Good one! I read the story in total ignorance just wanting to know what it meant.

As the plot unfolds
I've never read anything in your port I don't like, and this story was no exception. You certainly kept me guessing. From the beginning, I liked Snow and thought the story would be about reunion. After the eye-rolling at the mention of Area 51 and the familiar scenario of non-functioning vehicles, you jerked me into another realm.

The inner dialogue shifted the plot from sci-fi to fantasy. First came danger, in the form of one word, then came laughter, which threw me again, and then finally settled on danger and rescue.

The topic of auras is a favorite of mine, so I enjoyed that little foray. Walt of the Purple Aura?

All the characters had defining personality quirks or actions. Did you make up the part about Daddy using the word [brung]? It's not a familiar phrase, so Snow's dad must be an odd person.

I'm going a bit off topic here because of Snow's comment about the need for housing. I'm forever thinking about how humans are so completely out of sync with the natural environment. Unlike animals, we have to alter our world to protect our bodies. And by doing so, we're ruining the planet.

Possible edits
I think, for inner dialogue, you can just use italics.

If you use a dialogue tag [she scoffed] then the dialogue would not be in italics because she's speaking out loud. At least, I don't think a person can scoff without making a sound.

Closing comments
Of course, after reading this, it all came together, and I felt extremely foolish. You always have a way of story-telling that makes me laugh.

** Image ID #1729356 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

781

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14 days may be credited.

#4079412

Review of cNote Shops~ Greetings You Can Send

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi there. Here's a review from your Nuclear Package purchased through "Invalid Item"

by: PatrickB

The advantage of being gifted a Nuclear package
is that it includes reviews of several small items that often get overlooked. This gives the reviewer a unique opportunity. I chose to review this folder.

Overall Impression
Folders aren't a very exciting item to review, but I had a few thoughts on the topic. First, I liked the unique cover art that draws the eye to this folder. The image is a little faint, but your scripted name brought an element of refinement and definition.

The title is self-explanatory, but "Greetings You Can send" added a bit of flair. The brief description was clever--you didn't repeat what was stated in the title, and you offered more information as to the contents. "Send a Smile" made me smile.

Parting thoughts
The power of folders is in their ability to keep a portfolio tidy. What can I say? Because you're using folders, your portfolio is laid out so a reader can easily access items of particular interest.

CNote shops require a compelling title and brief description that sets it apart from others. Yours is very welcoming and bright.

This weird review of a folder completes your package. I hope you enjoyed the "Invalid Item"

reviews.

** Image ID #1729365 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

782

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14 days may be credited.

#4079358

Review of A Gift From the Gods

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi LC Cooper!

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

Thoughts/Impressions
A compelling story!

The detailed descriptions were on the heavy side, but their banal content worked well for building tension. When events are proceeding as planned, I immediately get nervous because usually something goes wrong.

Also, knowing this prologue could only end in one predetermined conclusion, my apprehension increased as I thought about all the Beth's painstaking planning would be destroyed.

Beth couldn't help but to feel a little less anxious.
Can you show the reader that Beth is nervous, rather than telling them? Was she tapping her fingers? Clicking a pen? Tapping a foot?

What I liked
The mystery of this story kept me reading. The plot was peppered with hints of something going on 'behind the scenes.' I wanted to know what Beth and her husband would be presenting to the Association. The insertion of Beth's thoughts How would they react? was well-placed and very effective in building the tension.

The overall presentation would be improved if there were more spacing between the paragraphs. Right now, this appears as a large block of text, which can discourage some readers. Please consider composing a brief description that reflects the content.

Click here

A few thoughts ▼

In conclusion
I was hoping for a more original conclusion, other than the overused phrase 'her world disappeared forever.' That's the obvious outcome. We know she's going to be killed. It might be more dramatic to end with [Her last thoughts were of Ben and her daughter.]

Please remember, I'm an author just like you. Any editing is your choice. Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work.

You're off to a great start. I hope you find your experiences here educational and welcoming. Keep writing!

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

783

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14 days may be credited.

#4077137

Review of Wish Mix

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi August Leaf

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !
and
Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Newbie Review Raid!

Overall Impression
Excellent work!

Sometimes specifying work as "other" can act to the author's advantage. In this case, had you denoted your work as poetry, I wouldn't have read it because I don't review poetry.

But you snagged me with the first stanza. The last line in stanza one had me smiling because all my kids look like me.

I think my smile grew wider with each clever stanza I read.

If I had to choose one favorite line, it would be:
With pink things on their feet.

I have a granddaughter who is the female expression of my son. She's turning six in May, and your verses made me think of her. But she's a thousand times more daring than the darling sister in your work. Her carefree manner and disregard for danger are payback for my son, who drove me crazy. On the flip side, he chooses her clothes and there's nothing tomboyish about her outfits.

If the boy in this story wanted the brother he dreamed of, before knowing his sister, that would be my second grandson. So, all my grandchildren had a place in your poem.

You have the piece titled Mixed Wish and in the body, Wish Mix. If you're curious as to a reader's reaction, I prefer the second title.

Your poem is a charming tale, ideally suited for a children's book.

Suggestions
The rhyming scheme is a bit jagged, but it wasn't of concern to me.

Please consider changing the font size to at least normal. Some reviewers might pass this by because the letters are so small it discourages.

Thanks so much for the opportunity to read and review your work. I'm a writer, just like you, so ignore any comments that are not helpful.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

784

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4077123

Review of Unknown

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi, Theo!

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! and
Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"
Newbie Review Raid Day!

I began this review a few days ago, before you added Chapter 3, so this review does not include commentary for that section.

Overall Impression
I almost passed this story by because there's no spacing and the font is super-small. But the plot lured me in, and being able to read without editing in my mind helped me get into the story. Many times, pieces are written with distracting errors, so kudos for a clean write!

Plot/Setting/Characters
I could sense in the easy-going thoughts of the narrator that there was something underneath the simplicity. When I read this line, I found my ah-ha! moment.
I could keep an eye on my space case in the middle of the--

You definitely caught the whole single mom scene at the baseball game. The parents are usually the children. With Pop Warner, all we asked was if the kids had a good time.

When "Joe" approached Theodora, she pulled out her tough mom act, and her dialogue was realistic. I'd be saying the same things. She had more spunk than I anticipated when she used a crude gesture to let the other watchers know she was being watched.

The first section all seemed to be sort of a sci-fi happening, but in Chapter two, the story turns into something else altogether. Since I'm a sci-fi fan, and not a fantasy fan, it was a minor disappointment. But if you're going with fantasy, go there. You have a practiced and skilled hand when writing.

I could have been walking next to you in Publix, but I detest the green car carts. They are nearly impossible to steer. How'd you get the baker to give your kids two cookies each?

So, the mom and dad share custody? I guess we find out more as you develop the book.

A few thoughts
Remember to spell out numbers, and in this case, hyphenate a word that defines a noun. [8 year old] [eight-year-old]

love them and leave them cause they bore me when they open their mouths
Technically, this should be hyphenated because it modifies the noun, but it might look weird.

The game has 15 more minutes.
fifteen minutes

Watch out for repetition. The word [interest] appears a number of times in the first part.

My son was bouncing with joy.
The sentence above was repeated in the third sentence in the same paragraph.

"There was a little old lady in the ravioli aisle, she dropped 10.00."
I don't know what [dropped 10.00] means.

Parting thoughts
Looking at the lack of spacing and small font, I never expected to be reading this story. It was your writing skills that pulled me in.

The last sentence is in present tense, where the ones before were in the past tense, so that was kind of jarring, to me. The bland comment was accurate for this calm and collected woman, but it would have been fun if she said something more drastic, or entertaining. If you like the idea, you can put her thoughts in italics. I think it would bring your reader closer to Theodora. Just a suggestion.

Keep up the good work. I think you'll fit in just fine here. (Why not fill out your bio?)

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

785

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4076362

Review of Till Death Do Us Part

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi there!

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Overall Impression
I was astonished at how much character you were able to pump into this flash fiction. Although I generally avoid the horror genre, your writing drew me in.

Emotions evoked
Great job making me feel for these characters. The young teenage daughters "sounded" completely authentic. You might want to write dialogue for them, instead of having the father describe the scene. I can just imagine the quipped back and forth between those girls.

Trailing thoughts
I liked that there was absolutely no hint as to the disappearance. I liked the way Ethan thought to bring his wife's sister to the house. It was already clear how much he loved his daughters, and his actions made me feel the love even more. Although it's all a bit macabre, as it should be.

Thank you for pulling this conclusion out of the pile of the overdone and ordinary. I don't want any spoilers in this review, but the twist was unexpected, and not overly graphic. More like mind-terror than violence, which is fine by me.

I'm only offering one reader's opinion of your work. Thanks for the opportunity to read and review this story. Keep writing!

** Image ID #1873619 Unavailable **
~Nixie

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

786

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4075733

Review of Plea For Help

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Andrea!

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Overall Impression
I've read all of your poems, and this particular one made sense to me. You're writing in what I would call free form poetry, or prose. But I'm no poet.

Emotions evoked
The first line, in a way, frightened me because even though my battle is not the same as yours, I know that feeling of panic when symptoms emerge. The struggle begins, the outcome uncertain. Even though I know what's happening in my mind is only a trick, doesn't make it any easier to fight. And sometimes, it overtakes me. I can't fight. And the only option is to ride it out. That's what's in a mind.

But thoughts can also cause destructive behaviors. Even though I understand what is good/right/healthy for the body, I choose to damage myself.

Ana is your, for lack of a better word, alter ego? The personality that takes over and drags you down?

Trailing thoughts
The last stanza was the most difficult to read. I'm being intentionally vague to maintain my privacy concerning this aspect of my life.

Our diseases are different, yes. But I've never written anything about mine. You're very brave to bring this issue forward. Although without reading your portfolio comments, I wouldn't be able to guess what you are dealing with. And perhaps you want it that way.

If no one can help me, sometimes I use the alphabet to distract. I begin with the letter A and think of all the words that begin with that letter. The second the words stop coming, I move to the next letter.

I would like to thank you for posting this, not because I enjoyed veering away from my illness, forcing those thoughts to be silent, but because your words spoke to me.

Some other reviewers might comment on format or consistency, but I choose not to. Therefore, I generally rate personal pieces like this a high five, to honor the author's courage, and as a symbol of respect.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work.

** Image ID #1873619 Unavailable **
~Nixie

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

787

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4073910

Review of Above Water

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi Emma!

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Overall Impression
I chanced across this while perusing the Newbies page, and the title of this piece piqued my interest. The brief description immediately resonated within me. You're off to a great start!

Plot/Setting/Characters
Even though this is marked as a chapter, the passage was brief, and there's obviously more to come. I can guess, by the way distance from help was pointed out, that something happened to Amber, and the narrator had too far to run for help.

Just a thought about repetition of words.
the only sound was the sound
sticky dew was sticking
the sweet smell --- was what I smelt.

How can feet crunch on wet grass? Here's a few examples of possible alternate phrasing to get your mind working.

All I could here was the sound of my feet slapping against wet grass.
or
All I could hear was the sound of my feet crunching on the dried grass.

A bit of dialogue between Amber and the narrator would personalize the story, and make it easier for the reader to identify with the characters.

Parting thoughts
As you continue working on this, will you be going backward, to when the girls befriended each other? (I'm assuming the narrator is a girl because there is no name.)
Or will the story go forward, and show how the narrator deals with the consequences? You have so much to work with here, I would take the time and flesh out this work.

At the end of the day, only the author knows what works for a story. I'm just one person with an opinion. Keep on writing!

** Image ID #1873619 Unavailable **
~Nixie

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

788

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4073115

Review of The Night before Christmas

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Lynda! This is your last review from your package win at "Invalid Item"

{/b}

Overall Impression
Oh, you captured me right away with this lively piece. By the fourth line, I was smiling.

Plot/Setting/Characters
In one of your other stories, the grand part of a family is forefront, which makes me curious. The boy in this piece lives with his grandparents? Or did you need the two syllable count to keep the rhythm going?

Your take on the traditional song was both bright and funny, but was sobered by the message. This created a duality that many people feel at this time of season. Nothing seems to fit the way it did in the "good old days".

Things that go clunk
"The Christmas tree missing--" line stuck out in length. Of course, in this type of work, a reader expects a few rough spots in the flow.
"But maybe it is that this year--" and the following sentence were also awkward lines.

Although the rhythm wasn't smooth, I still enjoyed the read.

In closing
I think you'll find many readers who will identify with this, even non-Christians feel exhausted by the trappings that Christmas often brings. I liked the conclusion because it applied to everyone. The holidays, when taken with ease, can be a beautiful time to unite with family and friends.

** Image ID #2017680 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

789

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4073080

Review of My name is Jay and This is my life

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, Lynda! Since the donor of the package is not responding, you're stuck with me. I'm here with your first review, as part of your winnings at "Invalid Item"

Overall Impression
What a harrowing story! It caught me completely off guard, as it wasn't what I expected at all.

Plot/Setting/Characters
The reader gained a comprehensive review of the setting beginning with the first paragraph. It's easier to appreciate a story when the setting is quickly established. In the second paragraph, the setting is further embedded by mentioning Alaska. Although this could have been in the first paragraph, I liked the placement you chose. My attention was redirected to Skeeter, and then reflected back to the setting. That struck me as unusual and pleasing.

As promised by the title, Jay is the featured narrator, and she seems to be a lively young woman who enjoys life in the wilderness. It was easy to imagine what Skeeter looked like, especially when he was compared to a blanket's warmth.

The scenes played out are clear and vivid, sometimes more graphic than I like to read. I've never seen a human fighting a bear (thank goodness) but the action seemed authentic.

I did expect some sort of explanation as to why the bear could outrun a snowmobile. And, I was hard-pressed to believe Jay could continue fighting, despite her shredded hands. And how did she manage to ride home on the snowmobile?

What I often ask is, what message was the author trying to convey? I think you're showing us an independent and courageous woman, whose faith in God saved her life. And, of course, the loyalty of Skeeter was magnificent. It's amazing how animals care so much for humans. Right now, my cat is glaring at me. She knows it's time for me to break for dinner. Sometimes I think the animals are more aware than their owners.

There is a small studio behind my cabin where I can paint and work on my photographs.
The statement above is a telling sentence. It's fun to turn these around and put in some action. It's the difference of showing vs. telling. Here's what a showing sentence might look like.

When I paint and work on my photographs, in my small studio, the fireplace keeps me warm.
or
In my small studio, where I paint and work on my photographs, the fireplace keeps me warm.

If you like, you can find more sentences and work on adding in action to show the reader.

Click here
Suggestions ▼

Parting thoughts
I liked the idea that Jay still loved where she lived, even after the tragedy. In this, and her love for Skeeter, she remained true.

** Image ID #1887901 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

790

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4070059

Review of The Sun Also Sets

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Hi Hooves! I'm here to thank you and fulfill the package you won in "Invalid Item"

Overall Impression
This story is absolutely precious, historically accurate (in your individual way) and hilarious.

Plot/Setting/Characters
You have a serious talent for pulling readers into walking beside your bull persona. The dialogue is snappy, and the story moves quickly. Not one word is wasted, and the words were used to great effect. In my head, I was picturing a bull wearing a beret, and I was nearly laughing out loud.

The repetition of [noble, fine, and tragic] reinforced the point of the story. Especially when it came to the conclusion.

You took me totally by surprise with the cafe scene, and Hemingway with his writer friends. It didn't take much imagination to visualize the scene, which only made me laugh more.

Your word choices were vivid and original--to highlight a few prancing/plunged/moseying/simpatico

Suggestions
All you need is a picture of a bull wearing a beret for cover art.

I do have one question. Did you write [group of his writing com padres] as a reference to writing.com? Possibly not, but it would be funny if that was your intention.

Parting thoughts
Your talent is unique, and the story was delightful. You found a most eloquent way to show the bull expressing displeasure with a rear view to his human.

Please pardon me for reviewing on behalf of another member. I hope I've done your story justice. When I find work so finely written, the best I can offer is Outstanding Write! and Smashing conclusion!

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14 days may be credited.

#4064339

Review of Who I've Always Been - Chapter 2 (new)

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi there. I'm here with a review to complete your Special Event package gifted by The Run-on King PDG Member

Overall Impression
This was a fantastic read. Compelling and captivating. The first person narration served the story well, as the reader was only able to see the 'picture' through Rose's eyes.

As the plot unfolds
The way you described a person waking from a coma was believable. Often, authors let these kinds of scenes play out too long, and the reader is as lost as the narrator. None of this happened in this chapter. The plot unfolded gradually, always coming back to Rose's inner thoughts, which keeps the reader focused on the character. Nicely done!

One part I have read over and over again was your description of Rose's ice chip sliding down her throat. I found myself swallowing along with Rose, who isn't really Rose, or is she?

You have a way of adding small details that a person would naturally notice. Right now, I'm thinking about the description of the mom's purse, and later on, the narrator's list of probable contents.

Hospitals have a disorienting effect, and this was captured through the narrator's observations and inaction. I've experienced that sense of numbness, complying with instructions to turn this way or that way.

The elephant in the room is of course, the identity of the narrator. The life of Rose could not be more disparate from the injured woman. Her shock was expressed well. I liked the slightly oppositional effect of Rose's breathing stabilizing along with the mom's caresses. All through the story, Rose has been silently resisting. There could be some kind of connection.

I smiled every time I read the Woman-Who-Must--
but after a while it felt repetitive.

I was impressed by the individuality of the characters. The doctor was doctor-ly. The mom was motherly. Her emotions of joy and panic were strongly experienced through her actions, especially when she remembered to call her husband.

The Fine Print
and bends to rummage [though]
[through]

It's [is] very disconcerting looking
It's a very

Lasting Impression
It was natural for me to trust the mom--she sounds so endearing--I wanted the narrator to be Rose, who is so well loved. But if she has an entire family?

I was totally, delightedly perplexed when I finished reading this chapter, wondering where all this was going. My eyes traveled back to the top and I read the brief description. Can I be candid? I wish the brief description didn't give away so much information. I would have liked to continue uncovering the mystery through the narrator's limited POV.

Overall, a great write!

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#4063619

Review of The Letter

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi websterb!
Welcome to WDC

Overall Impression
This morning, I finished reading the novel The Wind-up Bird Chronicles by Haruki Murakami. Your story echoed a similar style--what I think of as overstating the mundane. Even the character names were similar.

The waiting for the letter becomes the drama, slightly superseded by the undisclosed contents, and further frenzied by the arrival of an odd character who understands what the letter means.

Plot/Setting/Characters
I have to agree with Mr. Akazawa, waiting is a purpose, and once the waiting is over, life changes. Sometimes it's a relief to wait. At least nothing to our knowledge can change.

The understated action of opening the letter becomes the next dramatic point. Great care is taken in the handling and the description of the paper and the writing. Mr. Akazawa's nearly emotionless, motionless response to the contents alerts the reader that something serious has been put into action.

Like holding my head under water, consumed by silence then tearing me out again.
This description of Mr. Akazawa's response to the two-toned doorbell struck me as highly imaginative and clever. It was my favorite sentence.

Click here:
Fine Tuning ▼

Parting thoughts
In keeping with the style, the arrival is dramatized by the details of what transpires before the door is opened.

The character, Mr. Urawa, was, unsurprisingly, as enigmatic as the rest of the story, and the reader was given no satisfaction or answer to the mystery. Do you have intentions to continue the story?

Here's a link to a newbie only group:

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This item number is not valid.
#1949660 by Not Available.

Keep up the good work!

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~Nixie

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#4063488

Review of Some Broken Circles pt. 1: Loop

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: ASR

| (3.0)

Hello Holy Hot Pocket! (What an unusual user name!)
Welcome to WDC!

Overall Impression
The feeling of forgetting something important is extremely distressing. The more a person reaches for that memory that seems only a breath away, the faster it flits off.

In this way, I was able to identify with the character, which helped keep me in this plot.

Plot/Setting/Characters
There are a few times when repetition is something to be avoided, but in this story, the repetition of the exact words in the beginning and the conclusion was an essential part of understanding what exactly transpired.

What can be repetitious:
If you reread this, I think you'll notice how many times the theme of forgetting was used, and you'll probably realize it was overdone.

I'm curious. The character worked until midnight--he noticed it was dark outside, so this was a valid observation, but later in the plot:
I checked my watch. Two hours till closing time.
After finishing the read, and accepting the fact that the odd ingredients in the plot were there for specific reasons, I couldn't figure out how the sentences above fit in.

The boring familiarity was stressed throughout the story, and with so much dial tone action happening, this sentence stood out to me.
There was some jazz about--
This inner dialogue was authentic and concise. There was no wandering around or extraneous words. You showed the reader something that surprised me about the narrator. Looking back, maybe it was one of the moments that could not be wiped away. He was so intent on his work, and then up comes this comment, where he views his work in an objective way.

The narrator's distress continued building right up until his collapse. I was somewhat relieved when it finally ended.

Click here:
Fine Tuning ▼

Parting thoughts
I pointed out a few errors to guide your editing process.

Wow. What a messed up day this poor guy had. And it all started so simply. A ride on a bus that was late.

I liked the transition to the final scene. It was completely unexpected, and a feeling of dread thudded in me when the narrator described the man in exactly the same terms as the person he met on the bus.

I wish there was more information in the final scene. I wanted to know who these guys were, and what was the reason for their actions? What were they trying to gain?

Sorry I went on and on in this review. My intention was not to discourage you. The concept itself interested me--it was the need for editing that distracted. If you clean this up, the next reviewer will be able to give you a higher rating! Or, you can email me after you've done whatever editing you choose, and I'll take another look at it.

Keep writing! Consistently reading and reviewing the work of other members on the website will aid you in seeing what does and does not work. Just remember to have fun!

Here's one of the many groups available for newbies, only.

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1949660 by Not Available.

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~Nixie

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

794

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14 days may be credited.

#4061959

Review of Nature's Gift

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi Swara!

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Overall Impression
Quick suggestion. You have this lovely story defined as 'other' and 'other'. In the first case, 'short story' would be appropriate. Then you might select three from the following suggestions or ideas of your own as to what fits your story-
young adult/teen/action/adventure/mystery/ghost

Plot/Setting/Characters
I have to get one negative aspect out of the way. It's a minor fix, but could be a major reason not to read your story. There's no spaces in between many sentences--most importantly the ones with dialogue, which is sad because that's the best reader identification hook.

On to the story! You opened with an action scene and quickly introduced your characters. Great job describing the mansion, showing it to us through Lacey's eyes.

The initial obstacle (Lacey's dismay), about her surroundings is explored briefly until your second major character makes a somewhat conflicting appearance. Is she friendly, or not? After all, she has that big dog ...

The girls' mom sets up the next conflict, and the reader knows there's a mystery afoot. I was surprised how easily Georgia became Lacey's friend, maybe her response came partly from wanting to uncover the mansion's secret. I thought Lacey would be the one who discovered the trapdoor. It seems both girls are equally matched as protagonists.

I didn't expect Lacey to wake up in the middle of the night, discover the path, but then go back to sleep. There didn't seem to be much of a trigger, no ghostly apparitions or nightmares. She just woke up and walked outside. She senses something is unfinished, which didn't make much sense to me.

As the plot unwound, I didn't get a strong feeling for either girl. Readers don't want literal descriptions (blonde hair, blue eyes) but a sense of what the character looks like is important. Were the girls the same size? Did either have distinguishing characteristics? How old were the girls? Were they on school break, or was this a weekend? I wanted to know more about their personalities.

What did Georgia mean when she said
"There wasn't even enough time for the house to be fixed up."
Who would have fixed it up other than the family? Just curious.

Since you mentioned Lacey had a sister, she could get in her big sister's way. If Lisa finds out what's going on, she could create more conflict.

I was shocked when it seemed Georgia would give away the secret--that was a neat little twist. It was quickly resolved.

Click here:
Fine Tuning ▼

Parting thoughts
I noticed you posted this and didn't do any editing. I hope you receive enough reviews to encourage you to come back and fix the errors.

I forgot to mention how much I liked the title. The significance wasn't immediately apparent, it was only thinking about the plot after I finished reading when the meaning hit me. I would have been enchanted to find that place. And the description was as if I was standing there, looking. Nicely done!

There's not a whole lot of build up or tension in the plot, which means you have room in here to expand on your characters, and maybe draw out the discovery by slipping in some obstacle.

I can see this as being a hit with young teens or tweens. Who can resist moldering attics, old diaries, and secret passageways?

First things first, though. Get some spacing in between the sentences. Next? Keep on writing!

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~Nixie

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

795

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14 days may be credited.

#4061848

Review of This is where you go to sleep

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Jed!
Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Overall Impression
It took me several reads to absorb all the nuances of this work. I felt it hit many different layers in my perception and created a swirl of emotions.

The stanzas march on
Despite the unusual physical appearance of this prose? free-style poem? the stanzas made sense separated from each other.

Several contrasting images created a unique experience. [heaved by gravity --] appears in the first stanza. I was a bit adrift because I didn't understand what [ever lust over] meant, but then I fell back into the dream. I found some quick-stepping alliteration in that first block of words. It didn't feel forced, and it created a defined image in my mind.

Another favorite place of contrast was [hair roughly--] which began with a violent thought, and then was expertly tempered to show the opposite. Very nicely done!

You had me sold on the idea of finding solace in the hammock, but after reading the last stanza, I wondered if this work was also speaking on a metaphorical level.

If it's the sleep itself that brings solace, it's the opposite for me. I'm afraid to fall asleep, but that's a complicated personal story.

Click here:
Fine Tuning ▼

Parting thoughts
I've noticed several new authors don't use capital letters in the title where they belong. Any special reason for that? Or just an oversight?

Wow. I just checked your membership date. You literally joined today. You must be shocked to be receiving a review already. The website has a separate link that lists new members, and it's easy to access from the right hand menu. We treat our new authors well. You're all very much appreciated. Keep writing!

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~Nixie

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796

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14 days may be credited.

#4061516

Review of Finale

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hello Unwritten Insanity!

I came across your name here "Random Thoughts and Cares"

and wanted to investigate your portfolio.

Overall Impression
After reading this story, I now believe your user name suits you well. While I've been known to write a dark story or two, I've never written one that's oddly, romantically twisted.

Plot/Setting/Characters
From the brief description, I understood what his addiction was after I read the first two paragraphs. This reads like the script to some crime series on television. Who knows, maybe they read your story and developed a plot from it.

The slow build up was revealing and even knowing what was coming would not be good, the narrator sounded so sincere. You described the nuances of addiction believably and creatively.

The parenthetical sentences made this story remarkable. I've never seen anything written in this style. The effect was one of a dialogue that was running through his head, while the action was described. What a clever and unique way to tell this dark tale.

Emotional Chord Struck
I had the worst nightmare in years last night, and today I stumbled across your work. I think there are particles or something that draws things in when a person is thinking about them. Hard to explain. It's sort of like thinking of a loved one and then they call.

Parting Comments
The last part should have been unbearable to read, and yes, it was disturbing. But you pulled me so far into the narrator's head, it was also horribly sensual, almost erotic.

To paraphrase a sentence that stood out, he wasn't breaking anything, in his mind he was releasing beauty. But my favorite part was the first phrase in the last sentence. I realize you're tying the last phrase into the title, which is great, but the story would have been fine for me without that bit added on.

You're quite talented. I think we're supposed to encourage each other by saying Keep on writing, but it feels weird to me. Great job with this unique story. Keep on writing.

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#4061377

Review of Spy-In-Training

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello Fellow Member Rising Star!

I came across your name here "Random Thoughts and Cares"

and wanted to investigate your portfolio.

Overall Impression
Wow. This was a looong story, but for the most part, the plot kept me interested and engaged. The buildup of the intrigue kept me curious because, like Davey, I had no idea what was happening. For every oddity, Davey always brought the events together with a reasonable explanation, but clearly there was more to the mystery.

Plot/Setting/Characters
Davey sounded like the typical teenager. His dialogue was appropriate, sometimes sarcastic, and most often hilarious. Great job writing his part. It began with an outstanding example of a kid getting tired of kid's games. He was ready to walk the path leading to manhood. When he found out the consequences (he had to work), he experienced what adults endured. I liked the way you continued advancing Davey's personality.

As to the other characters, you showed me enough about them so the cast was visible, but none of them overshadowed Davey.

A few loose ends and a thought.

It's a minor detail and an easy fix. When the old lady arrives at Davey's house, she's there to pick up a pie and his mom's books. But there was nothing indicating she left, and I kept waiting for her to show up at the dinner table.

When Davey finds the freezer in the garage was it open? He tells us the freezer is empty. I thought this might be a good place to add in some mystery because the plot started dragging a bit. He could be afraid to open it. Or something.

I wondered about the keys he stole from the closet. His discovery of them was a jolt of worry. Moments like this keep the plot moving.

Did we ever find out what was in those fragile boxes?

The reader was really kept in the dark, as the story was told through Davey's POV. Because I'm an adult reader, I felt I should have been able to figure this out before Davey. But, no way. Even when he put the pieces together I was hesitant to agree with his conclusions, and I was still a bit frightened for him. That's excellent writing!

Fine Tuning ▼

Parting Comments
I think you have the fine makings of a YA story. It was intriguing enough to keep me reading. A tween or teenager would most likely enjoy this clever mystery.

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#4061329

Review of The Red Ball

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hello IdaLin

I came across your name here "Random Thoughts and Cares"

and wanted to investigate your portfolio.

Overall Impression
The Red Ball was fun to read. The story was clever and despite the word count restrictions, you told a complete story, with all the essential elements.

Plot/Setting/Characters
I fell right into the plot, partly because you presented the name of your character in the beginning. It's much easier to identify with a character who has a name, rather than trying to guess as the plot unfolds.

The conflict followed, and I have to admit, the object outside would be irresistible to me. The image of red on white snow effected me somehow. Probably the intensity of the red against the white. I know colors that we can see alter moods, but all I had to do was read and you nabbed me.

Emotional Chord Struck
As I read, a thought kept chugging through me. Although it was obvious from the introduction that Jill would be influenced by it, there was no certainty she would touch it. And that's exactly what I wanted her to do. I have an affinity with rocks, for whatever reason, and I wanted to hold that object myself. Crazy, right?

Parting Comments
The twist corkscrewed with Jill's reaction. I never saw that one coming.

It would be a good idea to use a symbol to separate the change in the POV from Jill's to the object's. I was wondering what harm could come to humans, once we were invaded. Could we only be satisfied by the object? Would humans develop an affinity? I'm only asking because the conclusion was sinister, and I couldn't think of a reason why.

A writer can do only so much with a restricted word count. The inclusive conclusion did no harm to the story. In short stories, unlike novels, not all the questions posited have to be answered.

This is what happens when I read anything about rocks. The writing style is easy and error free, enabling me to read without interruption. What a treasure!

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#4061258

Review of A Little Resolve

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Arabelle B. Wolfe!
Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Overall Impression
This was a great read! You captured the essence of Lyra just as the description indicated. She's stubborn and brave. She'll be a fascinating character to develop as you continue this story.

Plot/Setting/Characters
The threat to the people of Halmisteck was believable. I was able to glean a strong impression of how little these people have, as you moved Lyra through various settings. That's the ideal way to show your reader the story, without telling them.

I liked the prose, or the romance in the descriptions of the forest and the earth.

Great job leading up to the moment of crisis. I could imagine Lyra standing still and not going after Nam. I felt as if I knew how that would make her feel. That's good writing on your part!

While some authors may have drawn out the pillaging scene, you kept it brief, with just the right amount of fear and nothing gory that would have turned me away. When I read "The door gaped open--" I felt hollow inside.

Lyra took quite a chance when she surrendered, but I guess she really didn't have a choice. She put herself in danger because of who she is, but I hope someone teaches her how to take care of herself.

I stumbled a bit trying to figure out who the characters were. In the beginning, Lyra says she practiced fighting with Nam. Later in the story, I found out who Nam was. It's best to let your reader know right away who the characters are in relation to each other and the story.

don’tcha know?”
You used a bit of slang here, which is fine, but you'll have to keep it consistent anytime Nam's speaking.

One suggestion. I noticed an abundance of semicolons. I used to write with them all the time, because that's what I learned to do. I edited all of mine out. I think anything odd that stands out to the reader that is outside of the story is best removed.

my legs didn’t quite want to work.
I wouldn't hold back on anything. [didn't quite work] slows down the action. Find the drama. Here's a few examples of alternative phrasing. Nothing great, just something to illustrate my point.
Her legs locked. She froze in place.

Now look through the rest of your story for areas to improve.

gripping my sword more tightly than necessary.
Ach! The dreaded adverb. Needs to be eradicated.
Two thoughts. First, you don't need the "more tightly--" part of the sentence. Gripping implies a tight hold. But, there might be a stronger verb that would indicate fear.
clutching and grasping come to mind, but use a thesaurus for variety.

Read over your story and weed out the adverbs propping up a weak verb.

And just to make it more challenging, sometimes adverbs do work.
Then I stood back up, horribly empty-handed,

Parting thoughts
I think the title works for this chapter, and maybe a few more. But if you're building this world, you might consider finding a more encompassing title.

The story would be a much easier read if you used more paragraph spacing. Right now, it looks like a large block of text, and some readers might feel discouraged and not read at all. Truth be told, I hesitated. But I'm happy I forged ahead. And so should you.

Keep on writing and editing. Write the next chapter if you're not in an editing mood. Have fun!

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~Nixie

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14 days may be credited.

#4060789

Review of Closure

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Luka Vaughn!
I found your story here
"Please Review"

What attracted me to your particular work?

The way I arrived here is sort of interesting story, and a testimony to your skills. First, I was moved by your request. Who can resist urging another author to continue with their work?

I clicked the link and saw this was a poem. I don't review poems. Still, yours appeared to be something that might make sense to me, so I read it. I was quite inspired by it and couldn't wait to tell you. Then I noticed you already had fourteen reviews, and that you've added more items to your portfolio. So what, I wondered what was the point in receiving another review?

Emotions Evoked
The point is, your work spoke to me, and I wanted you to know that. All your poetic phrases were crystal to me, no floundering around, trying to decipher the hidden meaning.

Your word choices, which I know are essential to poetry created specific images in my mind. I thought my way was lost when the phrase about 'clawing mahogany' came into play, but then I realized I was being shown the setting.

I found it appropriate to capitalize the three words in line eight. Each word is a sentence on its own.

There was a tremendous building of intense emotion, evocative words increasing my reaction, wondering how long this person could hold on while weathering such an internal struggle. Part of me wanted to know the reason, but I resisted the urge to read the closing line. Probably most everyone gleaned where the problem stemmed from. Matters of the heart are known to create havoc.

However, there was a slight variation that made a noticeable difference. The two words [no longer] added much more weight and immediacy to the poem. They hit like a hammer, as I decided this person's anguish wasn't something long nourished and sick from overuse. It felt as if the person had just heard those words. Maybe that wasn't your intent, but that's the feeling evoked in me.

On the other hand, poetry is open to interpretation, and oddly enough, on the second read, I changed my mind. I think this person has been nursing his/her moment of loss.

What can be worse than wanting something you can't have? Knowing that who you want is not interested in having you.

Although not the exact same situation, I learned through personal experience that shattering a glass is highly therapeutic. Even more so if tossed into a fire.

I read somewhere that one of the things a reviewer should mention about the poem is mood. I would say you created a gloomy and angry atmosphere. While it seems as if gloomy is passive and should counteract violent anger, you merged both into one eloquent story.

The appearance of the work was symmetrical, all the lines were of similar length, creating a balanced effect, with one long line neatly settled midway down, where the topic becomes specific. I think the last line was written in a slightly smaller font, which emphasized the man's state of mind, as if the words were branded on his brain.

My one suggestion would be a stronger brief description, or something unique. The one you're using gave me the impression of a teenager lamenting, of which I wanted no part of.

Okay! That's my stab at reviewing poetry.

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