Nixie's (nixie9) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

3,298 Public Reviews Given

3,337 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

Template most of the time, covering setting/plot/characters/conflict/resolution if applicable. For shorter works, I concentrate more on feelings evoked.

I'm good at...

Short story, chapter reviews and in-depth reviews.

Favorite Genres

Sci-fi, Romance, mystery, children's

Least Favorite Genres

Historical

Favorite Item Types

Short stories, novel chapters

Least Favorite Item Types

essay, editorial, non-fiction, somebody's homework assignment

I will not review...

XGC, poems, prose. I am an animal activist and vegan, so cruelty or violent, unnecessary, death due to negligence is overwhelming. I am unable to review any pieces involving abuse of any kind to anyone. I like to keep my corner or the world happy, because I grew beyond my "challenges" of childhood and don't want to look back.

876

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14 days may be credited.

#3967655

Review of The Franklin Fighter

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi there!

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

Overall Impression
You have the ability to pull a reader into your story because you create strong characters. It was impossible not to cheer for Chris, but his success was a foregone conclusion.

Setting/Plot/Characters
Showing the different teams rooting for their favorite player enlivened the plot. I felt as if I was watching the game. In the back of my mind, I was anticipating the moment when Chris's dad helped his achieve his goal.

My initial thought was the dad was already dead, but still with his son. Where this story went was a total surprise.

For all the involvement in the baseball game, the story deserved a longer conclusion. It's up to you, but the scene could be more effective by using the same enthusiasm you demonstrated when describing the game. I felt the rhythm in this sentence.
Let's go Killer, Let's go, boom, boom, boom.

The way you expressed this moment resonated with me.
His dad's confidence transformed inside of him.

Click here
Considerations ▼

In closing
You have a strong story, but it needs quite a bit of editing before it shines. First drafts are only first drafts, so don't be discouraged. Keep on writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

877

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3967552

Review of A Starry Night

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi there!

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

Overall Impression
Your story is so beautifully wrought it reads like prose. The child is young and vulnerable, and her questions are heartbreaking. While I expected the mother to say "she would fill in the gap" I was, instead, taken away on a journey of words.

Setting/Plot/Characters
Your story came to me in a very particular moment.

Death is as natural as life, or so I want to believe, but when my dad died last month, the words meant nothing. I'm at such a loss, I don't know how to process his passing, and I'm a grown woman.

My sister died in 1983 and I can "feel" her. Not exactly as related in the story, but in the same everlasting concept. Not so with my dad. He's just gone.

Your words brought tears to my eyes. I can see that child broken and put back together through a mother's love. A few aspects bothered me. I have the impression of a child around five or six. Her "knowing how stressed my mom was" seemed out of character. Also, the mom's telling of the dad's death was abrupt. Was the rhyme intentional?

One blip.
for his voice [are] in the birds that sing.”
his voice is

In closing
The child must already have a strong sense of herself and be the product of a loving and compassionate family because she was able to bounce back so quickly.

For the limited amount of words, the story is engaging and poignant. The last two lines tied the plot up in a gorgeous, multi-colored bow. Well done!

Keep on writing!

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878

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14 days may be credited.

#3967488

Review of The Briefcase

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi there!

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

Overall Impression
Your story was engaging from the beginning, and the urge to unravel the mystery kept me reading.

Setting/Plot/Characters
The premise for the plot is clever, and the plot unfolds slowly, until the reader sees the full picture.

I'm confused by the time line. In the beginning of the story, descriptions indicated a long time had passed. [dusty curtains, a musty bed, a door he kept oiled.] I thought he was a shut-in, but this was not the case.

My other confusion came from the rusty lock, but when I finished reading, I figured the rust meant something else.

It was odd when he dropped the briefcase. Even though people were present, no one reacted. They just saw something disturbing and walked away? A few minutes later, the briefcase is still untouched?

They were like two small creatures
Excellent job composing the series of sentences describing the subject of this sentence. (I don't want to write a spoiler.) You brought them to life, foreshadowing the the man's attachment.

Click here
Considerations ▼

In closing
If I'm confused, others might be as well. If I missed a critical clue, please send an email and explain the story, if you don't mind. Otherwise, I may be thinking for days.

Keep on writing!

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879

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14 days may be credited.

#3967421

Review of Questions

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi there!

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

Overall Impression
Many of my questions are unanswered, but with only 299 words you managed to sketch out a scene, create a conflict, and show character development.

Setting/Plot/Characters
One word in the second sentence shocked me and destroyed my preconceptions. Whoever the narrator was, he lived outside normal parameters.

Great job showing where he came from (circumstances), his first rationalization, and the belated recognition of who he was. He might have been an okay guy before the war, and the violence might have ignited a temptation laying dormant. The reader only knows what the character does, and it's enough to keep the plot moving at a steady pace.

With each sentence, my dread and revulsion escalated. The tension was palpable and in fit the development of the narrator.

Placing children in any plot causes a stronger reaction in readers. It's a natural instinct. Spare the innocent.

Click here
Considerations ▼

In closing
Even though the story was disturbing, it was a good read. If I liked stories with a dark theme, the plot and character development would have been even more entrancing. Considering I shy from topics like this, especially when children are involved, you did a bang-up job keeping me engaged. Well done!

Welcome to WdC and keep on writing!

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880

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3967184

Review of Inside his Head

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi there!

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

Overall Impression
The sense of dread permeating the words drew me into this dark story. I wanted to know who the boy was and what was he dreading?

Setting/Plot/Characters
What happened next was straightforward, but I didn't feel anything because I didn't know anything. Only that a boy happens across a grisly scene. I want to know. Where is this taking place? Present day? Where are they? In a castle, a house? The gallows is suggestive of a time past.

Is this a random act?

Have you considered adding in Morgan's thoughts? Let him ask what the readers want to know. Since I don't know any answers, I'm throwing down a few as examples. Rather than simply acting, he must be thinking.

Who would do this? Is it possible the rumors are true? If Jack's dead, what about my parents? The blood around Mother's neck is still wet. Does that mean the killer is still—? He swiveled around, only to come face to face . . .

If this is only the first chapter, how can Morgan know the murderer will never come back? Here's your scene in action. It's only a quick example to demonstrate my point, not something you would write.

"I swear, on my mother's blood, I will spend the rest of my life tracking down whoever did this to my family."

In closing
You've written your first draft, and now the fun begins. Edit, edit, edit.

Reviewing others' work is a great way to pick up some new ideas and skills. WdC is a fantastic place, full of friends, wisdom, and real fun. Enjoy!

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881

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14 days may be credited.

#3967107

Review of A Typical Evening at Home

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi there!

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

Overall Impression
The story was high-intensity—a continual pushing for character and reader both. The escalating emotions and actions needed a release valve, and that's one reason why I enjoyed the read.

Setting/Plot/Characters
What brought the most fascination was the character's motives for her actions. Character-driven plots are my favorites, and you did an awesome job of getting into your character's head and conveying her despair to the reader.

The scene during which she went on about GE accommodating her needs was wildly and wonderfully crazy. For some reason, the alarm part didn't work for me. It detracted from the paragraph. She's your character, and you know her best, but she doesn't leave anything to chance. Why doesn't she rig the alarm so it won't go off? Or tape over it, so it's continually depressed.

I'm guessing your intention is for her to get upset so you can show her calming down. Would a person with OCD lash out physically, or keep it within?

When she was puzzling over the remote, this was my favorite line. It's dramatic and original, well-suited to the character.
A tremor from deep inside the earth's core?

Click here
Considerations ▼

In closing
Your timing and pacing of the plot was exceptional. In the conclusion, a bit of control is welcomed. Nicely composed!

Keep up the good work! I hope you find the website as compelling and satisfying. It's like a second home to some. Welcome!

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882

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14 days may be credited.

#3965213

Review of Masterpiece

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi, and welcome to the Power's Raid Day.

The theme is ART

This review is additionally part of your Lightning Package from "Invalid Item"

gifted by A E Willcox

Overall impression
Very nicely done! The story begins with the first sentence, showing the reader a bit of scene that also reveals your first character.

As the plot unfolds
The way you incorporated the prompt was striking. The adverb says all in this sentence.

Verb and adverb choices were clever and action-packed. [clomped] was a favorite.

this had to be a wind up.
I've never heard this expression before. It must be a UK expression, one I would like to remember. Short and to the point.

The theme of cops finding drug money and keeping it is familiar.

Because it's not specifically stated, I'm basing my comments on guessing Mona and Vincent work for a real estate company. Mona and Vincent's intended theft was harmless. Morally, it's wrong, but who would they report to? It all made sense in the story, and I was rooting for them.

Me being me? I would report it.

Suggestions

“stolen from a gallery in Oxford years ago”
One example of many sentences missing periods.

no K2 like mountains
My mind is drawing a complete blank as to the meaning.
Another UK expression?

Wrapping it up.
What a witty conclusion! I can't say more without giving it away. Yours is a great example of Flash.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

883

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14 days may be credited.

#3965167

Review of Bare Hand

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi and welcome to the Power's Raid Day.

The theme is ART

Overall impression
What an outstanding example of flash fiction. The story fascinated me, and I was shocked to learn this was flash. Your plot was fully developed, as were the two characters.

Peering closer
You added in a splash of contemporary life, dating the story. I shuddered over "global virus."

The gentleman observing was at first a bit disconcerting, but won me over when he explained the significance of the picture. In a concise and direct way, without any excessive wording, I experienced his woe.

In contrast, the young girl showed us how what once was perfectly normal and accepted had turned into something ugly and distasteful.

Suggestions
I wasn't surprised to find no errors.

Wrapping it up.
I can't stop thinking about all those numbers in the painting and their import. He was looking at his life's work and realizing it was meaningless.

The simplistic title in contrast to the plot amplified the keen sense of loss. Great write, Winnie!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

884

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14 days may be credited.

#3965145

Review of The Artist

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi, and welcome to the Power's Raid Day.

The theme is ART

Overall impression
Your story created a mystery, and I liked the unusual theme. The graphic at the top is fuzzy and blurred, which works well for the story. My only issue was it set the scene, and it took a bit to accept Jakob as young and wearing a tux. The name itself conjures an old-time world.

As I'm reading this again, I'm smiling. The graphic worked for the plot.

Characters
I took an immediate dislike to David. Jakob's age wasn't revealed until later in the story. Working off the image, I had the impression of David bullying an older gentleman. Very clever bringing all those ingredients into play. He kept implying Jakob's and/or his work was a cheat. I wondered why he kept up his accusations. What a sad life, to be motivated by money.

Jakob remained clam, but took offense, which drew me to him even more. He was vulnerable in the first scene, keeping his back to the crowd. This was a striking tell for the character. I know what it's like to force a smile, and yes, the muscles do quiver. Excellent job capturing that experience. Jakob was a man onto himself, and I felt vindicated every time he stood up to David.

I was extremely impressed by your expertise when moving characters through the scenes. The actions were believable and natural, enhancing the scene.

Plot
The characters were enough to make this story a winner, but the plot was exceptional, and you took your time building up to the totally unexpected conclusion. When I reached the end, my head was nodding, appreciating even more the care you took in creating this piece of art.

Suggestions
David crossed his leg over a matching shoe, which seemed an odd observation. Why wouldn't they match?

odd for a man in his thirty’s
thirties.

I can hear Barbara yelling for Leo; that’s her dad.”
What do you think of using an em dash here?
I can hear Barbara yelling for Leo—that's her dad.

and some photograph’s of his other work.
photographs

There are more small corrections, but I don't want to clutter the review with anything that will detract from another wanting to read your creation.

Wrapping it up.
The brief description went right over my head. If anyone gives it enough thought, the shocking conclusion won't carry the same weight.

The final scene you painted with Jakob's actions was satisfying and exciting.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

885

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14 days may be credited.

#3965143

Review of Some Things Just Don't Matter

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi, and welcome to the Power's Raid Day.

The theme is ART

Overall impression
Your unusual story made me stop and think about all that transpired within a few words—lovely imagery, a changing father/daughter relationship, a simple, but vivid setting, and the identity of an anonymous man.

Peering closer
You asked a compelling question. What does matter? Having lost my dad recently, I've been contemplating. Everything he did in his life ended on the day he died. It was just over.

Every daughter dreams of a father like the one in this story. At least I did.

I fell right into place, imagining how it felt when the girl put brush to canvas. I won't forget the precious moment when she celebrated something she captured exactly as she'd hoped. I would like to see the broken bridge. All because of the way you write.

Everyone knows not to get in a car or accept candy from strangers, and so did your character. She was old enough to understand this man posed no threat? She's not a child at this point, is she?

What a shock it was for her to see "Misty Blues" in the newspaper. In a moment of revelation, she wanted something. And someone else was benefiting from her work. That must have caused a great deal of inner turmoil.

I liked the cultural touch. The father and daughter walked or rode bikes. They didn't own a vehicle, and traveling outside of their daily turf required a bus ride. Although you didn't come right out and say it,

I understood how important it was to see the painting.

Her expectations of how the man might react surprised me. I'd like to express them while exploring. He would have a defensive attitude because he decided to donate her work? He bought it, so the reason would be that someone else had profited from it, and not the young girl. Why would he be rude? Does the girl think he might feel guilty and brush her off?

It's as if I'm missing something. I don't know enough about the girl to agree with her expectations. Maybe her mind went everywhere. As "she" said, she didn't know what to expect.

Anyhow, great set up for the final scene. The girl is pinned down to a yes or no. For me, it's one of life's lessons, and I don't have the answer.

The relationship between father and daughter would matter to me. Art lives forever. Is that what matters?

I wish the characters had names. When well chosen, they reveal character. And then I wouldn't have to refer to them anonymously.

Suggestions
I was wondering why the father's attitude toward his daughter selling her work changed? Did he need the money?

her painting had earned
Suggest using italics for emphasis.
her painting had earned

Wrapping it up.
I'm in total agreement about something having served its purpose, and having that be adequate. A bridge is often a metaphor for life, but it made no difference this one was broken. The physical structure was gone, but the emotions and energy lives on.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

886

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3950243

Review of Fractured

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi
HAPPY 6th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
"Anniversary Reviews"

Overall Impression
I related to your work in a snap, which is kind of sad considering the topic.

Thoughts
The image of a fractured mind is strong and sets a feeling of forboding that advances to depressing and anguished. Sometimes I think resisting or pushing out images actually attracts them. They never go away, and trying to pretend the memories aren't surfacing is like pretending we don't need air. We draw them in.

I learned the forgiving part to letting go of the past, but am always working on the forgetting part. I don't think it's possible to exorcise those pieces.

Click here
Fine Tuning ▼

In closing
The words spiraled back, as they say, to the beginning. Our childhood. When I read this, I pictured a person desperate to get thoughts out of their mind. It's been six years. It would be nice to think the images had less power over you.

** Image ID #1874243 Unavailable **

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887

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14 days may be credited.

#3948653

Review of Guardians Of The Deep - Part I

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi,
HAPPY 12th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
"Anniversary Reviews"

Overall Impression
A meet and greet with characters sounded like fun so I jumped in. Sci-fi is my favorite genre too! The first paragraph sets up an immediate conflict and establishes order.

I read through four chapters because something in the second paragraph of the first chapter confused me. An undersea headquarters is an awesome setting, one I assumed was inhabited by the good guys. I read the last line several times and keep coming away with a different impression. The bad guys live there.

Thoughts
Feeling like an idiot, I explored a few possibilities. Had I assumed incorrectly this was a story of agents for the betterment of society and was wrong? Later, the missions are described as securing the world's safety. John was the only one left without an assignment. Was he a mole?

Names can create character identification and John and Ned sounded lifeless. Is this intentional to portray nameless, faceless agents?

You worked in the sci-fi aspect seamlessly, incorporating the elements into normal, daily actions. Street names like "Glide Way 9" and Hover Fare" with the normal speed limit 200 miles per hour created a vivid picture of life. Also well done showing the operation of the futuristic car.

Rona's being a flaming redhead was sort of disappointing due to normality. However, you made up for the mundane impression and set up her future by offering her back story. It was a bit overpowering, delivered all at once in a few paragraphs through telling. I'm not saying much because maybe you're letting the characters speak to you. Otherwise, maybe background stories can come out as the story progresses. Seeing Rona on mission in action would work for revealing what's detailed here. I'm just offering thoughts.

So far, the characters are too generic, but I'm sure you'll add depth as the plot unwinds.

In closing
If you don't mind, could you please drop an email and explain my misunderstanding?

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

888

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14 days may be credited.

#3948628

Review of The Nutcracker Sweet

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Hi,
HAPPY 10th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
"Anniversary Reviews"

Overall Impression
It's easy to fall into your story with your light-handed, real as life approach. The subtle humor is an added bonus.

Thoughts
You had me when I read that ridiculous poem and reacted as the wife did. Go shopping. On the next corner, you trapped me with a curiosity shop run by an individual exuding mystical charm. I liked the store right away, which surprised me because I like hunting among tucked in oddities, rather than ones spaced evenly.

Your writer's voice sounds genuine, but I looked up Zuni due to curiosity. Short stories with accurate moments are high on my list of approval.

Painted ponies are collector items I only discovered right before this Christmas. I couldn't resist the one for this year.

I wanted to smash Rob's face when he propositioned his wife so rudely. Not to say I'm a prissy girl. Dirty talk can be romantic when shared between two lovers. But knowing what kind of person Rob was? He deserved no quarter. It didn't take you long to sketch out his character with a few key elements, like his demeaning conversation with his wife.

Darla wasn't particularly portrayed, only a betrayed (homemaker, I'm guessing because she was doing the laundry and had time to shop)? She didn't stand out in any way, she was actually more a prop for the setting or theme, rather than the other way around. Concessions are given however because this was a contest piece and there's only so much a writer can accomplish.

In closing
Good for Darla! I won't say more and risk giving away the story. You write concisely, with word economy, for a tight read.

** Image ID #1874243 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

889

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14 days may be credited.

#3948586

Review of Recurring Nightmare

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Hi,
HAPPY 10th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
"Anniversary Reviews"

Overall Impression
This piece is designated "short story/thriller/suspense." The brief description sounds as if this is a real experience for you, a recurring nightmare. If so, my heart saddens.

Thoughts
As I read this, I thought about how creatively you express yourself. The accounting is so exquisitely detailed, it's impossible not to feel as if I'm seated next to you, watching this happen.

Nightmares are endless, and I have a few recurring of my own, but would not be able to write as you have. It reads like a short story.

The tension was unbearable as I pondered where this would end, since mine has no resolution. My particular nightmare, also one of driving without control, vanished when I divorced my first husband, so the implication is clear.

Click here
Fine Tuning ▼

In closing
I just looked up and noticed you've had over one hundred reviews. The overall scoring is a 4.5 but I don't see any way to improve this.

I wonder what a good psychologist would interpret from this?

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890

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14 days may be credited.

#3948575

Review of Lucy's Rainbow

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi,
HAPPY 12th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
"Anniversary Reviews"

Overall Impression
I hesitated reading this because my sister died November 17th, 1983 when she was only thirty. All these years later, and the loss has not diminished.

Emotional Chord Struck
Stanza by stanza
My sister had no wishes for burial; no one expected leukemia to steal her life in a matter of months. She was fond of walking around barefooted, so we buried her without shoes. So many mourners came, police arrived to direct traffic. All I wanted to do was escape that funeral home, but wherever I turned, someone caught sight of me.

Stanza two ~ Her husband, who has since remarried chose her burial plot, with a matching headstone for his body. I wonder which wife will have the privilege of being his everlasting partner? I hope it's not my sister, the guy she married was not nice to her.

Stanze 3~ The actual burial is forever an image, real as yesterday. I still remember helping my mom choose my sister's casket, nothing too fancy because she was more down-to-earth, less girlish than me. I felt sick when they lowered her into the dirt, and we had to toss roses on her casket. My wish for cremation was intensified.

Stanza 4~ My sister had a wry sense of humor and an artist's eye. She was gifted in every facet of creativity. Painting, sewing, writing, and singing, to specify a few.

Stanza 5 ~ There was no miraculous rainbow, and this last stanza is proving difficult to comment on. What a lovely happening.

Click here
Fine Tuning ▼

In closing
My wish was to share your grief, not bring it more sharply into focus. I know what it's like to lose a sibling, but can't imagine the pain of a parent, other than what I saw from my parents who still won't speak her name.

I'm happy you're able to write about this and offer such a loving and poignant tribute. You have my sympathy.

** Image ID #1874243 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

891

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3948488

Review of Shine

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi,
HAPPY 6th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
"Anniversary Reviews"

Overall Impression
A genuine demonstration of creativity happens when the author interprets the prompt in their own way. For a story you wrote without thought, this piece is remarkable error free, and I was able to enjoy the experience.

Thoughts
Using the names of angels creates two sets of mind. She could be dead, or the names don't reference religion. By the third named angel, it's clear this is a sort of spiritual experience.
squeezes ever so gently as if to say “it’s okay.”
This phrase relaxed me. I knew she was safe, and the tender moment set aside my fears, as if I was her.

The two scenes in her life showed two facets of her personality. I related to both. We're all confident in some situations and awkward in others. I agree with the message. We all have an inner light and when we project this, people respond in a positive way.

I was in a store and listening to the cashier say, "Bless you." to every customer. When it was my turn to check out, she looked up and said, "There's no need to bless you. You were blessed before you walked in the door." I could feel the light in me seeking hers. Or put another way, "My soul knows your soul." I don't necessarily believe in souls, but it's something people can relate to.

Click here
Fine Tuning ▼

In closing
I liked the concept behind this and the supernatural aura. It can be clumsy to show non-verbal communication and physical actions without any evidence of a command. (My sentence proves how difficult the task can be.) You did a marvelous job conveying the impression.

It's been almost a year since you wrote this. I bet if you look it over, you'll see some errors, but more importantly, you'll marvel at your insight.

Great work! It was my pleasure to read and review it.

** Image ID #1874243 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

892

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14 days may be credited.

#3948170

Review of Gift for Natalie

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (2.5)

Hi there and Welcome to WdC! I found this piece posted here
"Please Review"

Overall Impression
Nice work weaving the prompt into the one paragraph.

Like starlight, the scene of Paul watching the woman and inserting his own assumptions was cleverly executed and stood out from the rest of the story.

Setting/Plot/Characters
I'll admit to a little confusion, mostly because in the first few paragraphs, four characters are introduced and there's no setting to conceptualize the conversation. I'm not sure who's doing what.

The transition to "I stood—" is confusing. At one moment he (Paul)? is talking to his coworkers? and the next he's at his house? His inner conversation was confusing because I assumed he was a happily married man, but this perception ended up being a red herring. Except later, he states he planted rose bushes near the shed. When did he do this?

I was still clinging to the assumption they were a couple, and should have picked up much sooner this was not the case. What good can from rope and duct tape? If you wanted to draw out the suspense, consider not telling us he packed a ski mask and gloves. He can pull them on after he realizes his good intentions will go bad, as they have for [ten]? years?

Maybe I'm reading this all wrong, but if Paul has been stalking the woman for ten years, why does she not recognize him. And who is Natalie? What is wrong with Paul? He's delusional? In the opening scenes, he seems like a regular guy, but that's often the case with psychopaths. They can be quite charming. How long have these people worked together? Have they ever met Paul's wife? Because it sounds as if they have.

I was intrigued by the sentence where he states he's changed so much and feels as if he doesn't know himself. I felt like this should be an "Ah-ha!" moment for the reader, but it only confused me further.

Click here
Considerations ▼

In closing
Not all stories are for everyone, and I apologize if I misread something. It's brave and wonderful to put your work out there and ask for reviews. I've been a member for two years and have never used that page.

Maybe, in answering my questions, you'll be able to make the plot more clear. As I said, I liked the way the prompt worked in the setting, but as an overall vehicle to carry the story, it didn't work for me. Please feel free to email me with any questions about the review, or if you would like me to take another look after the story has been edited. (assuming it will be)

There are hundreds of members on the website. Do not allow one review to discourage you. That would be a loss, because your talent is evident.

I offer my comments with respect and humility. You are free to explore or ignore my thoughts. The most important action to take is Keep Writing and reviewing.

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#3942245

Review of Stitches

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hi Fellow Rising Star!

I offer this review with humility and respect. Without each other, we are no one in the hollows of the heavens rising stars brighten.

OVERALL IMPRESSION
I liked the theme in this story. Seemingly random actions culminate in a unique event, only possible through one beginning action. This sentence stood out among the others because the endearment allowed me to see how much Raymond cared for Leah.

“What are you looking at, Shorty?"

Setting/Characters/Plot
Every author's goal is to grab the reader's attention in the first sentence or paragraph by incorporating some action, scene setting, or dialogue, not straight description/telling.

The story could be told in a more concise way. As it's written now, the story is telling, when the reader is looking for action and dialogue to stimulate their imaginations and bond with a character.

It seemed unlikely Raymond and Leah would for "no special reason decide to dig a hole," followed by Raymond saying "Let’s go then, we can finish the hole tomorrow!” if he knew his family was moving away.

Is this the vehicle you used to get his shirt off? If so, why not make it pertinent to the story? What if, for example, the chain on Leah's bike breaks and Raymond gets sweaty and soiled with bike grease? He can take his shirt off and maybe toss it over a tree branch or something that works for you. Furthermore, why would Raymond not tell Leah he was moving? There was no motivation given for this. Maybe he can reluctantly begin saying "Leah, there's something I have to tell you—" and then add in a moment to interrupt him. This would create a nice bit of foreshadowing and suspense.

Leah's legs would still be dirty if she was kneeling in the grass watching Raymond, leading into the next scene.

Her mother's reaction was extraordinary and vicious. Leah came from a highly dysfunctional family, and this was a major part of the story. The only character growth (an essential plot element) was the passing of years and her being accepted on scholarship?
If The next five years were uneventful why include it in the plot? If nothing happened, how does it further the plot?

Let me see if I understood the major plot twist when the refuse collector found the tee shirt. Raymond's tee shirt was somehow transformed into delicate embroidery with a simply gorgeous and eloquent message.

"My love for you will last, like stitches in my heart"

Toward the conclusion, you mentioned Henry's relief when Allen went to jail. I had a difficult time remembering who Henry was. He's only mentioned in the first paragraph so consider identifying him as the father to jog the readers' memory. Make sense?

If I missed an important plot element, please let me know. I got lost in the forest of words.

Considerations ▼

Lasting Impression
What I'm left with is an opportunity to improve on your heartwarming creation. If you would like specific mechanical assistance, please feel free to email me, and I will send a private line by line review. My wish is for you to see the potential. However, I'm only one reader among thousands and my comments are yours to ignore or explore. If you're satisfied with your work as is, then don't let this review get under your skin. Keep on writing! Reviewing is the ultimate way to improve our skills because we see what and what does not work.

Created by Of_fire_born for Rising Stars' Reviewers

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#3941145

Review of The Subway Encounter

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi Carly! Here's the second review from your package!

Thoughts/Impressions
Wow. You are an incredible scene-setter. Your verbs are vibrant, the action is anticipatory and the plot takes off!

Setting/Plot/Characters
Your stories pop! The various verbs used made the train seem like a living entity and the assortment painted a scintillating, heart-stopping rhythm. I kept thinking "Oh no, what next?" I liked all the descriptions, but this was one of my favorites. Just when I thought you couldn't get one more train image across, this popped up.

its doors thrown open calling last call
Followed by this
With the train perched there, hissing out its arrival

Your character's actions brought her to life and I admired her pluck and felt relieved by her bit of chance luck when she found a place to hide. I would have slumped to the floor, for sure.

Click here

A few thoughts ▼

none of his blood had gotten on me.
It's not unusual to see "had gotten" because sometimes we talk that way. I try to avoid it when writing. Maybe something like 'grateful no blood had soaked into my shirt.'

I switched the sequence of these two events because hissing arrival should come before last call.
With the train perched there, hissing out its arrival
its doors thrown open calling last call,
My other thought was the perched train is hissing its departure.

I stepped behind the pillar of concrete[] holding my breath
I stepped behind the pillar of concrete, holding my breath— A comma is required before the participle phrase to refer the action back to the subject [I]. Otherwise, the concrete is holding breath. Make sense?

and hoisted it back onto my back.
Try to avoid the same word in close proximity. Hoisted it over my shoulder? [Hoisted] is an awesome verb choice.

calling last call,[] I couldn’t move.
calling last call. (full stop) I couldn’t move.

My brain scattered to make sense of this.
Scattered makes me think of disorganization, not a brain trying to piece together a puzzle.

I moved and slipped back finding a small door into a utility closet of sorts. I slipped myself
Avoid the same word in close proximity. [slipped]

I reached out thanking the forgetful person who had forgotten to lock up and clicked the lock into place.
A few thought. This is a minor detail. If she's thanking the person, you would need to add for example [silently] or [mentally] thanking.
This might work for you. I reached out, thankful for the forgetful person who had forgotten—
Last suggestion. You'll probably notice immediately the forgetful/forgotten repetition. Also [lock] is used twice. You're outstanding at verb choices. Determining what kind of lock she's working with can help. Did she flip the bolt? Depress the button? (You get the idea)
Or, with [forgotten to lock up] something like [failed to secure] You certainly don't need my help.

I do not know how long I stood there,
Use contractions to save words. [I don't know]
The same thought is repeated a few sentences later.
How long I stayed there I do not know,

More word repetition
and moving on there [their] way surged around me.
Following the surge of the crowd

hissing departure/hissing arrival
Maybe another verb to avoid repetition. Or not, the train does hiss coming and going.

I managed it but I moved and slipped back[]finding a small door into
Comma required to offset participle phrase

someone fumbling with the door. transitions to What the hell? How did you get in here?”
Which made me wonder how he got in there with no mention of a key. An inconsequential detail.

At this point I didn’t care about the cost.
I don't think there was any mention earlier of her needing to save money, so this sentence seemed odd.

In conclusion
Rather than 'other' I suggest you choose 'short story.' And rather than 'contest entry' you can change it to action/adventure. You mentioned the prompt before the body of the story, so your readers are in the know. You also have the option to link back to the contest.

What a gruesome conclusion. I'm not prone to fainting, and all I could think of was her head smacking a hard floor. After all the character had been put through, the lights out was appropriate and I experienced her relief. (even though I winced.)

Thanks for the opportunity to read and enjoy your work. With less than 1000 words, you've penned a story I won't soon forget. Keep writing!

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#3941110

Review of Thirteen Kittens

Review by Nixie

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi, Carly! Somehow, we never got together and agreed on what stories you wanted reviewed when April Desiree-I'm back!

gifted you a package she won at
"Invalid Item"

. This story looked like fun.

Thoughts/Impressions
The natural flow from your character being lonely and going for a walk worked like a charm to introduce the cat. You gave the reader hints of what was to come by talking about your cat history and your husband's attitude.

You were marvelous at creating an image of the pathetic mama.

What I liked ~ All of it!
It was all too perfect when the husband's toys were usurped and the character settled in with the mama. It was the perfect set-up. I couldn't stop laughing, imagining all the items being dragged out to the tool shed. It was a good thing the weather was pleasant. Your scenes are comical and bright. It seems you're able to write quickly with little effort. This was a tough contest that wore me out.

Click here

A few thoughts ▼

In conclusion
You could not have created a more clever conclusion than showing the husband's affront. The story was both heartwarming and comical. Great work!

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#3939843

Review of Broken

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi! I'm here today to offer a peer review—one reader's reaction.

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Thoughts/Impressions
Your story evoked compassion in me. I felt the isolation of the character and his/her brokenness. A few thoughts came to mind. Was the character a kid that others picked on and beat him up? The character is filled with shame, so there must have been an opportunity to fight back.

What I liked ~ The entire piece!
The power in your 93 words created a vivid scene. I saw him roll to one side and felt the chill.

You have one extra space in between [bones] and [I]

In conclusion
The last statement packed a punch and created doubt. I enjoyed speculating about what actually happened. Was he physically dying, or had this experience reduced his life to ashes?

I didn't get the impression the monsters were real, as in the kind that lurk under beds. Rather, the character, in whatever circumstance was shown in exquisite detail the essence of horrible people who so willing took him apart. Those are monsters.

Maybe I've been broken emotionally and that's why my wish is to find that man, offer a hand, and lift him from the grass. Or if he's really dying, hold his hand or cradle his head.

Very effectively written. Keep up the good work!

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#3938323

Review of The Write Muse - Chapter I

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi! Thanks for requesting a review!

Thoughts/Impressions
This chapter can be summed up in a few words. Witty, unique, and clever.

The dialogue had me smirking and smiling. The relationship between Caesar and Morphy sounded like an old married couple, interrupting and correcting, complete with wounded feelings.

Vikram
His personality was defined in the beginning. What a curious character, confident he could find a chef to help him? He's not even an author, which made this one more degree hilarious.

The whole "boil an egg" scene was comical and had me wondering why anyone would consider that a talent and what relevance it had to the plot.

When Vikram saw the cables leading into another room? I was both intrigued and worried.

The description of the bed nailed to the wall was loaded with detail which perplexed me. Then the bed became something else and Vikram fainted. His abrupt response was unexpected (only women faint)

and brought the story to a halt. I liked the break and looked forward to his wakening.

Vikram couldn't help but think that it was an impressive feat to do that so effectively with his solitary eye.
The underplay and subtly made this comment, and all the others, priceless. It's impossible not to laugh.

Overall Plot and more highlights!
Everything in this story is comical, and I don't want to keep repeating the same observation. There was never a dull moment in the plot. It continued in its absurdity, but with enough realism to keep the story believable.

The milkshake and the time machine? Hysterical. All this back and forth continues to highlight these two characters as buddies. Another telling moment was when Morphy told them the vastness of his language.

Poor Vikram. His name makes me think 'victim' which seemed to be his part in this chapter. He's at the mercy of an alien and Caesar.

Morphy lost part of his memory, which made the story more intriguing by adding an element of mystery. Morphy and Caesar give no feeling of danger, but something was off about those two and I had to keep reading. Another telling moment was when Morphy told them the vastness of his language. If no one actually sees him, he could be mistaken for human.

“I'm afraid the Sinetransmorgodor
Making up words to create a story world is fun. The word should mean something to the reader. Sine and trans made me think of wavelengths and traveling, but the rest of the words could have been more clear. Morgodor sounds clumsy, not witty like the majority of your story. Maybe it makes sense in later chapters, but it put me off.

The chapter concluded with enough unanswered questions to encourage the reader to continue.

Click here for suggestions.

Fine Tuning ▼

In conclusion
You've off to a stellar beginning. The comedic element is well done and keeps the plot moving. I'm entranced by your characters. You're excellent at characterization. They're strong and have distinct personalities.

What part will Vikram play in a scenario Caesar and Morphy seem way to familiar with?

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work. My thoughts are my own for you to explore or ignore. I'm merely one reader with an opinion.

Keep up the good work!

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#3937738

Review of Web Page & C-Notes Corner

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi, Sunny! I am sending this as a courtesy review in thanks for reviewing my work.

Thoughts/Impressions
Every time I come here, it's at least an hour visit. I've never seen so many links leading to such valuable information. This is much more than a corner. It's a mansion on the corner.

What I liked
I appreciated the inclusion of others' web pages because it was a short cut to a few of my favorite members whose websites I've never visited. Maryann befriended me when I was a fairly new member, but I've never seen her picture. I like matching faces to handles. It's a much more personal experience.

Something to consider ▼

You're an asset to the community, especially with your generous spirit and your desire to showcase some special places to visit beyond your corner.

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#3937628

Review of Writing for Young Children

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Surprise!
HAPPY 8th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
"Anniversary Reviews"

Overall Impression
This is precisely what I've been looking for. A general guideline for children's stories. I grew up with parents who read and now have three adult children who are avid readers and passing the gift to their children. Ah, an author's dream.

Thoughts
Nothing about good writing is easy. It's rough choosing a place to start. With adult fiction, I begin with a character and let them tell the story. I've been thinking along the lines of animals as main characters, but that's me considering writing for preschoolers.

Writing for a child under eight. First person feels natural. How to find a problem that a child would need to solve? I will have to bring up my memories of raising my kids. Their favorites were always the ones I found in the folktale section of the library, stories from other cultures.

I'm thinking out loud while considering your points. Definitely the story should be enjoyable for the adult. As to vocabulary. I always chose books with a few new words to expand their minds, but having a guideline for how many words is valuable.

Point #12. I never forget children have emotions. Helping them label those emotions is important.

Point #16 Names. I'm not very interested in a book with Bob and Sue, but names can still be interesting, right? Just not too hard to pronounce or too odd for reader identification. Name popularity changes so swiftly. While Jason may be a prominent name for ten years, will it still be in twenty or thirty?

I never thought about the author having no control over the art work. Good point.

In closing
I haven't actually tried to write a children's book yet, I'm gathering tools and letting ideas percolate. I appreciate you offering your insights.

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#3937615

Review of Old One Ear

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Surprise!
HAPPY 10th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
"Anniversary Reviews"

Overall Impression
What more can I ask for? A cat-love story professionally composed and clever. The story had a gentle humor, maybe some would be loudly laughing, but I don't want to be disrespectful to any cat.

Thoughts
Of course your story parallels a human life, so I won't point out all the instances. But I did particularly like the part about her empty-headed gestures of kindliness toward the unfortunate. Activities where her paws were never dirtied.

I fell in love with that journal, darn it. I could feel the grey silk beneath my fingers. What's more glamorous than grey silk on a journal. I wasn't sure about writing on the black pages, though.

You surprised me by not capitalizing on the pauper's grave (pawper's grave). Maybe you decided the pronunciation was enough to fit in with the theme.

In closing
It's only fitting that the author ended up as the historian. Did she remain an old widow cat, or did she find a mate able to meet her high standards?

You penned a lovely story that left me smiling and feeling slightly less angry with Porsche, my black rescued cat who likes to sleep on my pretty, white Christmas tablecloth and let her fur float around before adhering to my PC screen.

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