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Review Requests: OFF
3,300 Public Reviews Given
3,339 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Template most of the time, covering setting/plot/characters/conflict/resolution if applicable. For shorter works, I concentrate more on feelings evoked.
I'm good at...
Short story, chapter reviews and in-depth reviews.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, Romance, mystery, children's
Least Favorite Genres
Historical
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novel chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
essay, editorial, non-fiction, somebody's homework assignment
I will not review...
XGC, poems, prose. I am an animal activist and vegan, so cruelty or violent, unnecessary, death due to negligence is overwhelming. I am unable to review any pieces involving abuse of any kind to anyone. I like to keep my corner or the world happy, because I grew beyond my "challenges" of childhood and don't want to look back.
Public Reviews
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951
951
Review of Bandits  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there!

*BalloonB* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonB*



*StarB*
Overall Impression
I think you had fun writing this story. It comes through in the words. The action was basic and simple enough to follow, and I liked the easy way the plot unfolded, not too complicated, but engaging.

*StarB*
Setting/Plot/Characters
The first paragraph sets the scene and strums the first hint of conflict. Too few men guarding a transport. I was wondering who was observing, and hoping this would not be a telling story. The next paragraph drew me right in. I was immediately interested in Chapters. (Great name!)

I suspected the mysterious woman in the middle of the road was up to no good. It's a fairly common trap. But, you played it out well, including character development within the action. This short piece ended on a strong note, a compelling one that made me want to read more. A woman who answers according to her blade sounds like a fun character to build.

*StarB*
Considerations
All numbers less than twenty (or one hundred depending on which rules you follow) should be spelled out.
For a more professional presentation, consider using something else to show scene conversion. Some authors use **

*StarB*
In closing
I thought this might be the beginning of something more, but it's enjoyable as short story. Keep on writing!

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
952
952
Review of Child Lost  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi there!

*BalloonB* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonB*

I found this piece posted at
"Newbie Help And Support Review Central" 


*StarB*
Overall Impression
You have the basis of a compelling story, one which could benefit from some editing. Sometimes, words get in the way and we over-explain our plots. We're tempted to tell the story, rather than allow the reader to discover it through the character's eyes. Passive verbs lead the parade of extraneous wording, and revisiting sentences is one way to see where the trouble lies.

My other concern is the invisibility of the child. As I read, trying to make sense of a loving child people failed to notice, I decided she must be already dead and that would be the plot twist. But you truly wanted her to pass unnoticed. Fiction has a basis in reality and if you want your readers to believe in you, the story must hold true to some extent. If you're okay with your invisible child, that's your right.

*StarB*
Setting/Plot/Characters
One way to bring a plot to life is through dialogue and you have some places to take advantage of that opportunity.

Look at this sentence:
she instructed her soldiers to wait for her, while she goes further to explore.
Transformed into dialogue:
"I command all of my soldiers to wait, while I go farther to explore."
(Farther indicates distance. You might see the word further used to show time passing, or something continuing. "Furthermore—"

Many of your sentences are incorrectly punctuated. Some run forever.
Gabriella had never been told about strangers so she did not know she should be weary of them, she had an innocent mind incapable of fearing the unknown visitors that might be lurking in these woods that she believed were for her alone to enjoy.
This is an example of one option.
Having never learned to fear strangers, Gabriella, in her innocence, believed the forest was hers alone to enjoy.

Here's an example of telling, not showing.
Once inside what she saw there was astounding, it was a whole other world.
When Gabriella stood up, she gasped. "There's a whole other world in here."

*StarB*
In closing
I liked the idea of violence downplayed and the child remembering nothing. Throughout the story, I felt the compassion of the little people, but the ending was poignant and rewarding. It's always good to know safe places exist, even if it's only in a story.

I hope you continue working on your story! Newbies have the best support available. Take advantage of every opportunity to advance your skills. *Wink*

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


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953
953
Review of Overdrive  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there!

*BalloonB* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonB*

I found this piece posted at
"Newbie Help And Support Review Central" 


*StarB*
Overall Impression
I had fun imagining myself as one of your characters. That's not easily accomplished, but within seconds, I was rooting for the hero, and then fearing for Carly.

*StarB*
Setting/Plot/Characters
Everyone is familiar with Paris and the Eiffel Tower, so the setting was immediately evident. The action was on the hero and his sparkling, sarcastic personality. He's one who has created havoc to maintain order and this is acutely experienced in the conclusion.

Carly has an interesting way of interpreting the action. She's not overly concerned, or totally freaked out by the creature eating people. In fact, at some point, she welcomes death, and I found that highly probable. With no hope of escape and the eventuality of correcting the chaos, I would be fine with checking out rather than living trough the aftermath.

Something to consider. Carly just watched her boyfriend die, and you told the reader what his final words were. I'm adverse to gory scenes, that's not what I'm referring to. Maybe a bit of dialogue with the boyfriend saying the words.

Carly seemed too calm and this may be the result of using passive verbs. Look at this sentence.
Distracted by her thoughts, Carly was surprised when the ground behind her exploded, throwing her forward.
The ground beneath Carly exploded, throwing her forward.
See the difference? The action is on Carly, not explained through the passive verb [was]. Makes sense, yes? It brings the action front and center, creating a more intimate relationship with the reader.

Enter the hero, and Carly reacts negatively to him based on his appearance. This was foreshadowed in the brief description, and it's not an uncommon phenomenon. To blend in, one must become. Still, the pervasive sadness tugged at my heart.

*StarB*
Considerations
In paragraph 5, Carly became Cathy. I made the same mistake when I first started here and since then, I never forget to double check names. My character's names are chosen deliberately so a misspell will catch my eye.

The one part seemingly unrelated was the falling building. I felt the creature ravishing people, but wasn't sure why a structure would be crashing down.

Another consideration: if there's minimal to no light, how does Carly see the hero's purple eyes? Purple eyes are an outstanding character trait, but maybe at some point, he's more in the light than dark so her observation is more likely.

*StarB*
In closing
I enjoy stories about secret agents and secretive organizations. You set the mood in the first paragraph through personality quirks between team leaders and members. Your writing style is personable. It's obvious you care about your characters. Keep writing~

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
954
954
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there!

*BalloonB* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonB*

I found this piece posted at
"Newbie Help And Support Review Central" 


*StarB*
Overall Impression
As I read your story, I kept wondering just how old this man was. I had in mind 70 compared to your age (guessing around 30 or 40). When you divulged the actual ages, I was surprised. The two of you aren't very far apart in years. I would consider him a contemporary. Life experiences determine our perceptions. My daughter married a man twenty years older.

What a wonderful man your husband is. He never imposed on you, offering his friendship on your terms. Even after your tragedy, he never surrendered what he saw in you. A beautiful person. You must radiate a glow that warms him. I agree, the perfect match.

I was shocked when I read what happened to you. I felt the same as you. Faces don't grow back. You found otherwise, and I learned something new.

One sentence seems a contradiction. You wrote you didn't care about appearances, but were the exception to the rule. It would make more sense if [some/most people care about appearances, but you don't. Now you would be an exception. Maybe I'm reading it incorrectly.

Rather than using full capitalization EXCEPT consider using italics if you feel the need to emphasize. Some of the paragraphing is confusing, but maybe it's merely a disagreement between programs. You don't need to put the title in quotation marks. *Wink*

Your story of love and survival is an inspiration. It warms to know someone out there has found a lifelong love.

*StarB*
In closing
I won't say too much about his illness, because I'm not sure what's happening in your life. Leukemia stole my sister in 1983 when she was only thirty. I've tried to ignore the disease. Maybe there's a cure by now.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
955
955
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there!

*BalloonB* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonB*

I found this piece posted at
"Newbie Help And Support Review Central" 


*StarB*
Overall Impression
Your story, told from the horses's POV was emotionally wrought. I fell in love with Annabelle and mourned with her over the loss she endured. The title fit the story precisely, but the significance didn't hit me until after I read the conclusion. Some titles give too much away, which detracts from the excitement of following the plot.

*StarB*
Setting/Plot/Characters
I was caught off guard by the POV, but as the story played out, Annabelle's observations of her world were unfailingly horsey. She saw Abigail 'galloping, mane swinging, and ultimately her filly. All senses were vivid as I read. What girl and horse shared and learned from each other touched my heart because of your perception and accuracy.

Good job showing the event that destroyed Abigail's father's psyche. I effectively despised him and tried to fight off the sinking feeling he would ruin a wondrous story and unique friendship. Even though the outcome was obvious, my heart still broke and my mouth formed a sad 'oh' of despair.

*StarB*
Considerations
I'll bring your attention to the usage of passive verbs. Try writing this without using the verb [had]. It might feel awkward at first, but it will bring your reader closer to the story and enable more character identification.

However appropriate using full capitalization to express emotions seems, it's best to avoid the usage for a more professional presentation.

I found no grammar of spelling errors. *Check3*

*StarB*
In closing
Welcome to WdC and keep up the good work!


** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
956
956
Review of The Terrorist  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there!

*BalloonB* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonB*

I found this piece posted at
"Newbie Help And Support Review Central" 


*StarB*
Overall Impression
It took a bit of mental maneuvering to navigate the time switches, but in the end, it came together. (I think.)

*StarB*
Setting/Plot/Characters
The story begins on a Tuesday, the opening scene involved one harried man, Rajeev, trying to complete a call, prompted earlier by a tip from a new workmate. The terrorist act is back stage for him.

Dr. Amir appears on Tuesday, and then flashes back to Monday. His search was keenly experienced through his actions and thoughts.

The terrorist section takes place on a Monday, where they track down the single number and person.

The story returns to Tuesday, with Rajeev and Dr. Amir boarding the train. The action climaxes in a tragic conclusion. Two innocent people in a moment of coincidence, unbeknownst facilitated the attack.

*StarB*
Considerations
There's a bit of repetition in paragraphs two and three. The 'certain company' is explained twice.

He had learnt about it from Karan [] who was a new recru
missing comma

Karan[]who had joined a few weeks ago[has] become
missing comma. Correct verb tense to [had]

The Tuesday sun had [downed] in Dr. Amir’s ignorance.
dawned?

The people settle[] quickly and waited
settled

*StarB*
In closing
You wove a convoluted tale, obviously a person of high intellect. Very clever!

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
957
957
Review of Flight  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi there!

*BalloonB* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonB*

I found this piece posted at
"Newbie Help And Support Review Central" 


*StarB*
Overall Impression
It was easy to fall in love with the boisterous Alyssa and impossible to resist learning more about her. The story is one of thrills, spills, and misguided coaches, all culminating in one disastrous event that changes Alyssa forever.

*StarB*
Setting/Plot/Characters
The gymnastic theme was vivid in my mind, as were the efforts of the determined Alyssa. The descriptions of her gymnastic activities rang true and were never tedious because everything was wrapped around Alyssa's emotions. I felt as if I was watching her. *Thumbsup*

I was furious with the cruel Sergei, merciless in his drive for her to excel, for reasons unknown. Some parents encourage their star kids toward ultimate destruction, and it seems Sergei is likewise motivated.

Alyssa dismayed me by pushing through her performance, despite her injury. I understood completely, because long ago, I completed an ice-skating lesson without anyone knowing my arm was broken from a fall shortly after the class began.

The scene with Alyssa smoking conveyed her mindset, punctuating her downfall. A star athlete never poisons a body. I was so proud of her for finding a way back to a promising life.

*StarB*
Considerations
In the first paragraph, the paragraphed part goes on for too long. Consider rewriting this to tighten the read.

Identifying Marcy as Alyssa's mother would clear the confusion when she appears in the plot. You only need one, simple sentence.

*StarB*
In closing
It's a triumphant moment when Alyssa lets the sparrow fly and a fitting conclusion for this emotional story of overcoming defeat by discovering a new path. Well done!

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
958
958
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Karl! Elle - on hiatus bought you a Nuclear Package from "Invalid Item" . The package includes reviews of six small items (folders, images, activities, surveys)

Overall Impression
Looking at images relaxes me, so I opened up your folder and thought for a while. The cover art, a van tipped over, spilling out bananas, suits the contents. There's an eclectic display in this folder, one I couldn't nail down to specify a particular topic. Just like an upset cart of food.

That's why folders work so well in portfolios. If we're not careful, items will be spilling out all over the place, and no one wants an untidy portfolio. It's great to have images at our fingertips so we don't have to go searching, especially when we're prompting. *Laugh* *Right* Writing for contests and need a quick cover image because we're fighting deadlines.

I have so many images, there are folders for types of images. My only suggestion would be to change the order and keep this folder at the bottom of your portfolio. (as the last item)



** Image ID #1729365 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
959
959
Review of Bittersweet  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Aw, Ken, so romantic.

Although I have never, ever, returned for any reunions—visiting the past is creepy—your story placed me right into what I imagine a class reunion would look like. Tacky balloons and streamers. Loser friends serving food and beverages. Actually, a number of my classmates ended up as judges and lawyers.

Another clever choice for a character name, which should have been a tip-off. Now, I know enough to pay attention to names.

The secrecy was well-played, subtle, yet enticing. I could see Keysha sitting on those bleachers, and maybe one of my eyes teared up thinking of that moment. Too many adventures in the bleachers, I guess they will always be romantic, and bittersweet.

I was wondering about the title. Chocolate can be bitter and romance sweet. Was that in your mind, at all?

The story came to a satisfying conclusion. Tasteful, romantic and cheery. I like my romances to have happy endings and lucky for you my demands were answered.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
960
960
Review of The Cleansing  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, Ken. You reviewed one of my entries for "The Writer's Baker's Dozen Contest"  I don't write horror, at all, and wanted to see what it was all about.

Excellent take on this mystery-shrouded legend, because part of history is rewriting it. That's why I liked the conclusion. I have to admit, gore is not ny thing, so my eyes raced over certain parts.

The setting was immediately apparent through a few, choice details. Even though Earl Grey tea is not Brit, it always feels that way when I drink it. Right away, I had suspicions, which were confirmed when the maid appeared. She made a compelling secondary character, both in mannerisms and speech. I take great care in choosing names because they are part of character identification. Mrs. Comphrey put me at ease (linking the name to comfort) until she left.

You did a right proper job of misleading us. Well, me anyhow. I jumped right on Mrs. Comphrey for the victim, as you well-intended. I should have known better, just from reading the title.

Oh, it might take a bit to get some of the images you created out of my head. That's good writing.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
961
961
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Amay! Today the Power Reviewers are celebrating the top 100 WdC credited reviewers!

*StarBr*
Overall Impression
This is a great story. I was totally captivated by your particular wolf's tale, the fairy tale only in the back of my mind. Not until the very end I realized this was a retelling. The wolf was so desperate, I was drawn to his plight. Excellent job showing a worrying wolf through actions. One of my favorite parts was the added 'you see' at the end of sentences. It sounded character-defining within the story itself. I'm so slow sometimes. It also referred to the actual wording in the original.

Special attention is awarded for the woodsman's tirade focused on the little girl. I laughed all the way through.

*StarBr*
In closing
The active ending brought the story to a satisfying conclusion. Great image of the wolf running free and happy. I think you enjoyed writing this piece. That's the impression I'm left with. *Wink*


The Power Reviewers stopping by with birthday wishes


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
962
962
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi ?tHiNg! You've been kind enough to read and review a few of my stories, and I'm returning the favor.

*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
Hotel California is one of my favorite songs, and I was totally flummoxed how you would reinvent that song because it's a complex piece of music.

*BulletB* What I liked
After receiving over two-hundred reviews, I'd still like to add my *wow* to the clan of your admirers. You never once lost the rhythm or momentum, and the lyrics had me laughing all the way through. It wasn't an easy choice, but my vote goes to the second stanza, pinpointed "I could be her stud."

Also a good idea—the [etc] after the first two lines of the refrain. I nodded my head and thought "This is one sharp author." I already knew that, but your portfolio is filled with every aspect of laughing and each piece is another treat.

*BulletB* In conclusion
Oh, absolutely love the header—a cow collapsing the piano. So fitting for a visual display of your story. No doubt you're a loyal Eagles fan because it's a statement of your feelings. Yes, it's a cow singing, but he's no Eagle! You 'composed' a masterpiece! The Eagles should be honored.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
963
963
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Diane!

*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
This activity rocks! I had no idea my writing skills could be expanded. Not to bring down bad luck, but I've never, ever been able to respond to a prompt until now. I thank you for that. We're only on Day 5, eight more to go!

*BulletB* What I liked
This is a great demonstration of the results for the 'drag and drop' option when creating an item. The images for each activity add quite a bit to the presentation, and they're also great as a quick reference, if a person forgets the genre. It's easier than scrolling down the page. (It doesn't take much to please me!) The atmosphere around the WdC is alive with creativity, making it difficult to narrow down participation.

The prizes are more than generous! *Shock*

The prompts themselves are outstanding, maybe that's why I can enter this contest successfully. The entire first scene is already sketched-out, we need only fill in the details.

*BulletB* In conclusion
I will be totally off my game for the next upcoming genres, and my fingers are crossed, because I'm determined to complete this activity.

Rules are clearly stated, and I'm thrilled we have the option for late entries, the only drawback, not being eligible for grand prize drawing, which is in no way a deterrent. I already won first place, anyhow!

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **
964
964
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Bob! I'm here today to offer a peer review—one reader's reaction. Why am I back here so soon, especially considering we already 'traded review for review'? Because I'm participating in "WDC Birthday Obstacle Course"  and you are the last person to review me. (Obstacle # 8)

*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
This article, as with the last I reviewed, helped me work on my bad guy. He's a villain from another world, who plans to dominate all entities encountered to serve his needs—expansion for his race. Too generic?

*BulletB* What I liked
One reviewer (and I know better than to respond to one person) characterized my villain as Nazi-like. It rang true, Commander F. Shucking McBourne thinks nothing of exploiting and destroying anyone to serve his purposes. He's so evil, a gifted boy is murdered, simply because the child could not comply with his demands. His troops are embedded with 'kill chips' in their brains, activated remotely if the minions don't please him. I edited the character's actions with one dialogue sentence. "I'm not a monster." Of course, my work cannot stand against the greats, and the story isn't long enough to fully develop the character. After reading this article, I'm back to reconsidering Commander McBourne's role.

*BulletB* Continuing thoughts
I resonated the most with the explanation of 'presence,' and the example of Zod vs. Clarke. Another element contributes to reader identification. The character's name. Zod, simply spelled with three letters, rings with finality and dread. I've read too many stories with John and Mary as the main protagonists.

*BulletB* In conclusion
You have a way of constructing your articles to appeal to everyone. You provided numerous examples, and in this way, most likely ensured any reader was familiar with at least one story. For movies or stories I've never heard of, I made a list for reference.

My last thought may sound like sugar, but it's earnest. I won't be the only one you helped develop and understand characters. Outstanding work here!

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
965
965
Review of Little Pony Boy  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi, Nikola. I'm here today to offer a peer review—one reader's reaction.

*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
I'm a junkie for Flash. *Wink*

*BulletB* What I liked
You moved Kasey along in years from childhood to adult within a few sentences. It only took a few seconds for me to bond with the main character. I experienced her annoyance while suffering through her birthday party and felt her shock when the surprise was out in the open. Her lifelong desire was finally fulfilled by her loving husband.

Clay, had planned a big shindig
Shindig. Now there's an unusual noun, one I rarely see.

She always wanted a loud, splashy paint horse.
Adding the adjective [loud] made this sentence stand out. I've always wanted a Painted horse.

*BulletB* A few thoughts:
ow it was her twenty fifth birthday
twenty-fifth

*BulletB* In conclusion
I would have liked to see an active ending. For example: Jamie galloping away from her party. What readers want often differs from the author's intent. I'm not suggesting you change a thing.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
966
966
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi!
*CakeB* HAPPY 7th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" 


*StarBr*
Overall Impression
This expertly composed story began on a romantic note and surprised me when I read the conclusion. Now, I understand the meaning of the title.

*StarBr*
Thoughts/Impressions
Excellent job creating a loving relationship between Jamie and Coco. The story was written using active verbs, and all the scenes played out vividly in my mind.

Outstanding scene setting. A skating rink allowed you to show different people for Coco to comment on, giving the reader an intimate peek into her brain. She was absolutely right. What passes as a significant moment for an individual, means little or nothing to the observer. Also, the event can be misconstrued.

One lonely evening, I watched a young couple step from their vehicle. The woman walked around the car and into her partner's arms, dropping her head on his chest. I felt hollow and lost to see such intimacy and love, something I wished for. For whatever reason, the image remained in my mind. A few years passed before I considered a different possibility. The couple might be breaking up and sharing a last-moment intimacy.

Perception is everything.

*StarBr*
Considerations
Error free!

Coco's sister needs a name, if only to avoid repetition when identifying her character.

Indenting the first line of every paragraph creates a more professional presentation.

*Books4*
In closing
Coco's sister changed her attitude from annoyance to one of compassion. It was a poignant moment because Coco's relationship, once revealed, was totally senseless. The commonplace wife/mistress theme was altered and nearly unbelievable, but the sister's devotion to Coco somehow made everything work. I'm puzzling over why I felt this way, trying to define 'somehow.' Speculating, once the relationship is revealed, the reader is left with one character to trust. The sister's normalcy gave the story solid footing.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable ** }


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
967
967
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi there!

*BalloonB* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonB*


*StarB*
Overall Impression
This read like a character study. Nothing really happened other than a man ignoring a street person and feeling guilty. Why did he keep repeating he had nothing to do with her death and could not help the police? In a short story, readers are looking for a setting, characters, dialogue, anything to bond them to the words and escape reality. Want/obstacle/action. Of course, not all stories have these elements, but yours needed a bit more of something.

*StarB*
Setting/Plot/Characters
As a human interest piece, you addressed the helplessness many of us experience. It's easy to walk past someone holding a can, crouched on a street corner. Easy, but it leaves us edgy. Can one person make a difference? Sometimes, it takes days to rationalize our lack of compassion, and I think this is what you're trying to convey. It was ironic, he claims never to have change, yet never stops to think about what he dropped in the tip jar.

I'm not sure why a younger version of the woman who died appeared and vanished again. I was trying to figure out the relevance to the story. Not all stories are for everyone, and maybe I simply could not connect with yours. It happens.

*StarB*
Considerations
My neck turned as glanced involuntarily at the phone sitting on my counter top
My neck turned as [I]? glanced

Guilt dripped down my throat and settled in my stomach
Avoid hyperbolic sentences. You want to capture the man's experience, and the action on [guilt] is meaningless.

couldn’t have been older than [25].
Spell out numbers less than one-hundred. [twenty-five]
46 cent tip. forty-six
25th twenty-fifth

*StarB*
In closing
As I read, I was looking for a plot twist, evidence he did kill her, but was denying it. However, the story ended as it began. A man feeling guilty because he ignored a homeless person. A sad commentary on humanity.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


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968
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there!

*BalloonB* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonB*


*StarB*
Overall Impression
Other than a few corrections, this is a first rate story! The first paragraph drew me right in. I instantly identified with the character.
That's a not-so-very-easily accomplished goal.

*StarB*
Setting/Plot/Characters
The story begins in a young girl's home. The actions and dialogue established the setting, without unnecessary details about the particulars of the room. You included just enough to lend a party atmosphere. When the scene shifted to the softball field, my heart went out to Charlotte. At first, her excitement about laying in grass puzzled, which quickly turned to admiration for character identification. *Thumbsup*

The plot unfolds smoothly and logically, evenly paced and believable. It began so innocently and ended so tragically.

As if I needed more encouragement to bond with Lottie, you wrote this. A sentence that made my heart ache because I know exactly how she feels.
At the house, I was the dilemma. Something to be dealt with or solved
The closing scene, when Lottie discovers she is partly responsible, was a horrible moment for her. Outstanding job showing the upset without telling the reader. The police officer's actions were compassionate. You managed to work in a bit more about Lottie's mom by describing the laundry routine.

A few thoughts about Daniel. If Lottie was only an infant when her mom remarried, why would she think of him as anyone other than her father? Even if, when the girl was old enough, her mom revealed the truth (whatever it is) about her real dad, I still think Lottie would consider the only dad she ever knew as her real dad, which makes the conclusion of this chapter all the more fascinating. (If I'm reading into it correctly.)

Poor Lottie! Daniel seemed to be the only one who understood her inner psyche.

*StarB*
Considerations
By the time I was 7 or 8,
By the time I was seven or eight, Spell out numbers less than one-hundred, although some say less than twenty.

It's best to use only she said/he said dialogue tags. Not snorted, or whined. Readers skip over those extras anyhow. The action and dialogue determine the mood. And you certainly know how to do that!
Can we have cake now?” whined Kat.
Can we have cake now?” Kat asked.

All punctuation belongs inside the quotation marks. Here's one example to get you started on corrections.
"It's great! Thanks Mom",
"It's great! Thanks Mom,"

Double check the usage of semicolons as they are misplaced. A rule to remember: If you can substitute the word [and] for the semicolon, you know it's correctly placed. Both sentences need to be complete.
By the time I was 7 or 8, she had stopped fighting[;] hoping that teenage hormones
You need a comma here to separate the participle phrase "hoping —

"Oh I think it will look great on you, sweetie[.]" [H]e said
"Oh I think it will look great on you, sweetie," he said, in his best I'm-being-supportive voice. (Hyphenate words that modify a noun.) *Wink*

“Okay, okay. Daniel, grab the plates out of the cabinet.” [m]y mom
“Okay, okay. Daniel, grab the plates out of the cabinet.” My mom /Capitalize M in mom because you used a period after her dialogue, beginning a new sentence.

onto the field and layed in the grass
laid

*StarB*
In closing
The title of this piece fascinates me, wondering how it will play into the story. Yours is an outstanding and accomplished write that kept me glued to the page. One more thought. White space is a great tool to capture the harried reader, but too much is distracting. Consider bringing your paragraphs closer together. Wow. Keep up the amazing work!

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
969
969
Review of Nathan's Quest  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Jim! As part of SMs challenge, (review a random item) yours popped up.

*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
Outstanding write. I'm furious with myself for skipping to the conclusion, as is my habit when I read. It didn't spoil the adventure because I was engrossed in the plot and anxious to see where it was leading me.

*BulletB* What I liked
Remarkable first paragraph, a bit of action and character development that hooked me. I wanted to know why Nathan was helping the man in tattered clothing. What were his motives? Charity, compassion?

Stephen's character takes on new depth with every conversation. Despite his lot in life, he's a man of principles who wants to compensate Nathan.

The mystery builds almost to the point of screaming for answers, and then Nathan explains what his name stands for. This moment was a huge relief! Finally, some curiosity was satisfied. Excellent work, keeping the reader intent throughout the story.

*BulletB* A few thoughts:
—stood with her hands on her hips waiting for an answer, looking defiantly at the two men.
This was a stark moment because so far Jennifer and Stephen bonded instantly. In this sentence, she's placing both men on her deserving-of-suspicion list. The formation of the characters shifted to a different triad, and then back again. Her little fit caught me off guard. I was lulled into complacency, feeling confident the two clueless characters would always be on the same side. This scene occurs further into the plot and sort of resets the stage. *Thumbsup*

*BulletB*Considerations
"I’m pretty sure we can get it all[done] then, and be [done] with all this.
Avoid using the same word in close proximity. Also, at this point, Nathan's dialogue is turning stale.

PARA My name . . .
this may take a while.”

PARA: Nathan left the room
We’ll be talking quite a while

PARA: wiped out by global catastrophe’s
catastrophes

PARA: Well,
We’re [not] still [not] sure why, but when you do,
Oops.

[but] there was nothing [but] grassy meadows
Oops.

*BulletB* In conclusion
Astonishing conclusion. Brilliant conception regrading the flow of time. And (without spoiling the conclusion) Nathan's apartment revealed the most astonishing moment. I believed every word he said, but Stephen and Jennifer needed to see the truth. Compelling twist on the timeless myth.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
970
970
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Guess what, Bob DeFrank?
*CakeB* HAPPY 8th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" 


*StarBr*
Overall Impression
Outstanding and well-written article that solidified a vague notion of mine. Let the good guys see the bad guy's point of view. Now, I have a much greater understanding, but as you pointed out, pulling off a sympathetic villain requires skill and finesse.

*StarBr*
Thoughts/Impressions
The examples given furthered my comprehension, without dominating the write. Some published 'how to' books rely so heavily on what has been written, the author has little of himself to convey. I can't think if I'm only reading how this author did thus and so. Your article opened my mind and its one I will mark as a favorite. A multifaceted character of this depth can only exist in a longer piece of work.

*StarBr*
Considerations
So much of who Christine is [is] tied Oops.

*Books4*
In closing
Your style is engaging and creates an atmosphere of camaraderie. "Hey, guys, listen to this." Not one wasted word (except the paragraph where such is used in close proximity)clutters the information. The copy is clean and error free. For a more professional presentation, consider indenting the first sentence of every paragraph.

Seriously, thanks for the wealth of not only information, but a sensation of what works and how. It was my pleasure to review your work.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable ** }


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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971
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, David
*CakeB* HAPPY 12th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" 


*StarBr*
Overall Impression
These Frick and Frack stories are a riot to read. I definitely needed something to brighten my day, and your work brought a smile to my face. The two personalities depicted here work like magic, one working off the other. When Frack said what one of these buns of sitches and Frick let us know that was Frack swearing, it was one of my favorite moments.

*StarBr*
Thoughts/Impressions
Outstanding job showing us the station room without explaining it. These two are established characters so you're not starting from scratch, but I was amazed how much power and personality was chugging through this short read. My mom is so terrified by elevators, she actually carries an anti-anxiety pill and a small bottle of water wherever she goes. You see why I found specific enjoyment for that character idiosyncrasy.

*QuestionB* Thorne offered this mot. What's a mot?

*StarBr*
Considerations
None.
This piece was posted and never edited, yet it's a clean, error free copy, one that flows smoothly throughout. Amazing. Nathaniel Hawthorne's quote speaks to your story. "Easy reading is damn hard writing."

*Books4*
In closing
It was my pleasure reading and reviewing this story. Detectives can't say too much when their boss is the guilty party. I was wondering how Frack was maintaining her calm and why she was pleased after she left the office. A satisfying, character-identifying conclusion.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable ** }


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
972
972
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi, Bernie
*CakeB* HAPPY 8th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" 


*StarBr*
Overall Impression
Good depiction of siblings waiting around for hopeful news, when all of them were carrying dread in their hearts.

*StarBr*
Thoughts/Impressions
I've sat hours in a hospital waiting room far too many times, and the scene felt real and believable. The focus is on Val, and while the shift in setting felt abrupt, it also gave me an old jolt, much the same as Val was experiencing, at a moment when she needed support. I hope Brad is out of the story because he's an insensitive jerk. He waited until Val's father died to dump her? Wow, that's callous. Even if he intended to break it off, he could have waited a few days. The argument felt genuine, Val's anger and feelings of betrayal believable. Although it needs editing, it struck me as the best part of the story. Not because of what was happening to Val, rather the dialogue set a brisker pace for the plot.

The story is riddled with over-telling, the most prominent in the paragraph beginning with: "The doctor's eyes were filled with hurt." It seemed obvious the doctor didn't want to deliver bad news. I don't know of any doctor relishing delivering the dire outcome.

*StarBr*
Considerations
I found this piece a bit inexpertly worded, something easily corrected. I've offered a few examples to help out. Also, you might want to rid the story of passive verbs and perfect past tense verbs for a more striking read.
She pulled her pack of ciggarettes from it[,] and yanked a ciggarette from it. Spelling: cigarette. Consider [and yanked one from it] to avoid repetition of the word. No comma is necessary.

as though it was almost evening, when it was [almost] four in the afternoon Consider [only] rather than repeating [almost]

She and him had been dating Consider: They had been dating

It had been her who had been very close to her mother Consider: She had been very close to her mother

was working at the IBM building as a computer programmer Consider: was working for IBM as a computer programmer.

Derek and Nadine were looking up at [them.] him

Derek and Nadine, [who's] eyes were filled with tears. whose

She noticed that she had had sighed more times in this one day that she had in her entire life. She sighed more on this one day than in her entire life.

*Books4*
In closing
I tried not to overload this review with suggestions, it is your story. It's packed with potential. Maybe if you read it out loud (I know it's awkward) you will 'hear' the rough patches. I'm wondering where the story is headed and what the title means. It sounds like Val finds joy and that would be my wish for her. She's lost both her parents. Surely, life will give her a break.

Considering the last time you looked at this was in 2005, maybe I worked the story too hard.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable ** }


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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973
Review of Not Me  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi, Jane! A founding member!
*CakeB* HAPPY 13th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" 


*StarBr*
Overall Impression
I read this with hesitation, due to a recent impending disaster involving the same disease. I sympathized with your need to repeat that "C" word, if only to get it out of your system. I'm waiting on test results for a family member, and the personal notes recorded are strictly denial. I refuse to accept the expected diagnosis. Your work is titled: "Not Me," mine is "Not him."

*StarBr*
Thoughts/Impressions
Yours is a victory story, one of the fortunate ones. If someone wanted to find a 'reason,' which I don't, it could be argued that your experience saved other lives. There can't be a 'reason' for a person to have cancer, but I'd go for a positive outcome. I don't remember how many years have passed since my last test. Until reading your experience, I've never known anyone who tested positive, and that's part of the reason it's not a top priority.

*Books4*
In closing
I should have chosen a brighter piece for an anniversary review, but I'm trying to test the waters where cancer kills indiscriminately. When my sister's life was stolen by Leukemia, I thought such a tragic event would block any other occurrences. How mistaken and short-sighted I have been.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
974
974
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Winnie
*CakeB* HAPPY 4th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" 


*StarBr*
Overall Impression
Your 'children's story' had me on the edge of a chair, heart close to racing. You have a way of putting things in motion and carrying them through. There was no uncomfortable lapse between past and present, rather the foretelling made me all the more anxious to see Nathan use his sword. That boy has a clever and loving Aunt Winnie.

*StarBr*
Thoughts/Impressions
The story was a tight read. No extraneous words, no time wasted on unnecessary narrative. You certainly know how to create a scene with characters without saying "Nathan had a sister . . . " Rather, we are introduced to her when Nathan comes home and sees his mom cooking and balancing the sister on her hip. Very clever and natural.

The scene with Nathan and his dad was precious and poignant. You took great care showing Nathan as a young man who appreciated everything in his life, with admiration for his dad carrying a bit more value. Through the father, we learn of the great sea monster, which led me fluidly into the action scene.

*StarBr*
Considerations
This was the only sentence that confused me. Aunt Winnie seemed to come from nowhere. And, there's a missing comma, yes?
They found Aunt Winnie sitting at the table [] holding a long object wrapped in butcher paper

I was surprised the first sentence in every paragraph was not indented.

*Books4*
In closing
My only worry was the stink rising from the dead serpent. Aren't they supposed to vanish after they're destroyed? *Laugh*

Thanks for the adventurous read. *Wink*

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable ** }


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
975
975
Review of Noticing Newbies  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, SMs
*CakeB* HAPPY 13th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" 


Thanks to Jim, who mentioned you in his Anniversary Forum, I have an opportunity to review one of your items!

*StarBr*
Overall Impression
The cover art for this item looks artsy and clever—an inspiration to keep adding the same to all my entries.*StarB*

Adding my thoughts to those of 500+ members cast doubt on the value of another review. However, it is under the Highlighted Section. I'm accustomed to accessing the "Newbie's Page" but I've never seen this one. The resources provided within the website are endless and priceless. Both you and SM, through your dedication and hard work, have made this the one and only best writing website I've encountered.

*StarBr*
Thoughts/Impressions
Learning to use the website features and finding a way to feel welcomed is easily accomplished using this page. The overall tone is friendly and inviting. Casual and encouraging. I wish this forum had come to my attention when I joined. I don't remember taking advantage of anything offered, merely jumped in and started adding to my portfolio, learning and still learning as I go.

I've never written anything that fits the criteria mentioned in Elisa: Middle Aged Stik 's post, but it's a great link to include! Okay, I've had some thoughts squashed, dismissed as too controversial, but now I'm aware of this forum, and next time something dicey enters my mind, this link will be remembered. Honestly, it was the last thing I expected to see here, and it makes perfect sense.

*Books4*
In closing
SMs, I've never found anything to complain about as I traverse the website, and this review gives me an opportunity to say "You rock."

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