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Review Requests: OFF
3,303 Public Reviews Given
3,342 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Template most of the time, covering setting/plot/characters/conflict/resolution if applicable. For shorter works, I concentrate more on feelings evoked.
I'm good at...
Short story, chapter reviews and in-depth reviews.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, Romance, mystery, children's
Least Favorite Genres
Historical
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novel chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
essay, editorial, non-fiction, somebody's homework assignment
I will not review...
XGC, poems, prose. I am an animal activist and vegan, so cruelty or violent, unnecessary, death due to negligence is overwhelming. I am unable to review any pieces involving abuse of any kind to anyone. I like to keep my corner or the world happy, because I grew beyond my "challenges" of childhood and don't want to look back.
Public Reviews
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1001
1001
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi, Cait!
*CakeB* HAPPY 2nd! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews


*StarBr*
Overall Impression
Stories involving children creep me out, and yours was no exception. Lexie came alive in my mind, and her odd manner made sense, considering her mother's history. Still, I never saw the grim conclusion edging closer. Nor did you give the reader an easy time putting the pieces together. I had a vague notion that Lexie either did the deed or set up her neighbor, who dared interrupt her life.

*StarBr*
Thoughts/Impressions
I liked the way the story began, moving from a comfortable place, snuggled under blankets to a place of bewilderment that escalates into a tightening sense of gloom. In the conclusion, the reader is left to ponder the woman's fate. She's definitely been framed, but it sounds as if she has a plausible story. Unless Lexie testifies. She wouldn't be a credible witness, though. I'm thinking way beyond the original story. Good job engaging my sleuthing skills and imagination.

*StarBr*
Considerations
holding her doll and blankly gazing toward the loud noise. Her doll lays on the ground,
Are there two dolls? One in her arms and one on the ground?

Her head shifts upward and smiles at the sky
Oops. Her head can't smile at the sky.

Remember to give each character's dialogue its own paragraph.

and I realize at that my robe is missing
Is there an extra word in here?

*Books4*
In closing
There were enough errors in here to interrupt the flow, but it's nothing that can't be fixed through editing. I pointed out a few errors, you'll find the rest once you take a closer look at this.

I appreciate the opportunity to read and review your work. I'm only one person with an opinion. Please disregard anything that offends.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable ** }


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
1002
1002
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, {suser
*CakeB* HAPPY 4th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews


*StarBr*
Overall Impression
After poking around in your portfolio, it was evident you delight in history. This slice of life from the past is one easily visualized without the encumbrance of multi-words. (A word I just made up.) Partly, this familiarity stems from memories of movies and other stories.

*StarBr*
Thoughts/Impressions
The story is straight-forward, with no loops or twists. Simply a recounting of slavery. As such, I didn't relate to the woman in any meaningful way, I read the story, but did not live in it. What stood out the most was her shame while standing, filthy, before the Emperor. That struck an emotional chord.

It's a stylistic choice, but I prefer not being told up front what the character learned later. For example
We were to be slaves, really, but this we would only discover upon our arrival at the Emperor's palace.

The abrupt conclusion matched the pace of the brutal story. No bonds were formed, only the desecration of women's psyches. What a tragic story.

*StarBr*
Considerations
Everything looked good to me!

*Books4*
In closing
I offer this review from a place of respect for your work. I'm only one person with an opinion, so feel free to ignore me. Usually when I see a piece like this, it's part of a larger work.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
1003
1003
Review of The Hollow Keys  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, Early
*CakeB* HAPPY 3rd! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews


*StarBr*
Overall Impression
You have a knack for writing dark stories. When Lief was tasked with destroying a bird, my mind kept saying, no, no, no. If only that had been the end of it, but the conclusion revealed something much darker.

*StarBr*
Thoughts/Impressions
Your vivid descriptions placed me at the scene, and as Lief explored, so did I. His annoyance made perfect sense until the girl appeared. He should know better than to trust such glorious creations. We all wear masks, but hers was an entire costume. A pretty bauble to lure men.

Lief's emotions and thoughts shifted abruptly once he learned what was afoot. You did a great job playing this out evenly and filling the reader with a sense of dread and horror. Would he follow her commands? I was sickened when he acquiesced. Sympathy for the hummingbird nearly stopped me from reading on. Please, let me never be that desperate to remove the block.

Also, noteworthy, your expertise in analyzing Lief's shifting moods and thoughts. It came across as genuine and believable, without over-explaining.
[his other body parts being out of control] was a flash of brilliance. I knew exactly what you meant.

*StarBr*
Considerations
I found no errors. *CheckG*

*Books4*
In closing
I never understand why people, including me, sometimes extol the virtues of a story, noting nary an error, but rate 4.5. Maybe we shy away from proclaiming perfection. I'm not holding back this time.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review this. The work is outstanding!

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
1004
1004
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi there!

*BalloonB* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonB*

I found this piece posted at
"Newbie Help And Support Review Central


*StarB*
Overall Impression
What gave me pause was the idea of someone else thinking simultaneously and not being me behind my eyes. It's a creepy and compelling provocation. It's not presented sinister, perhaps only a possibility never considered. It sticks to me.

*StarB*
Setting/Plot/Characters
A solitary, tormented kid gazes into a mirror, pondering his existence. The mental instability leaves the reader slightly uneasy. We all have moments of paranoia and the occasional need for solitude, but some understand the danger of a legitimate, faulty thought process. Everything that happens must be questioned.

Add into that murky situation, blankness. An unwritten letter at first threatens until it fades to boredom. The moment this happens, as it so often does, events morph and disrupt. This young teen is forced to examine the impossible, although sometimes mental missteps indicate brilliant minds. The unseen world is far more compelling than what's obvious. I'm interested in following the teen's journey.

Properly spacing sentences would ease the reading experience. Seeing this error always amazes me. What causes it?

*StarB*
Considerations
The tendency towards wordiness is a hazard to all authors. Using action, rather than passive verbs and avoiding outright explaining the obvious slows the read. Here's one example
A sharp tap at the door interrupted his thoughts and brought him back to dim reality for a while longer.
a sharp rap on the door forced him back to a dim reality.

In fiction, be direct.
opening mysterious letters had almost become a chore
opening mysterious letters, a chore.

*StarB*
In closing
What an excellent idea, withholding the character's name until the end. It brought the vague wanderings into focus and left me wondering.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review this. Very impressive, jumping into the fray and offering your work over at Review Central. Keep writing. Never stop reviewing.

Please ignore any comments that don't help. I'm only one person with an opinion.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
1005
1005
Review of Death  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there!

*BalloonB* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonB*

I found this piece posted at
"Newbie Help And Support Review Central


*StarB*
Overall Impression
I read through all the items in your portfolio and each embraced the concept of darkness, expressed in separate ways. "Death" created the most vibrant reaction.

*StarB*
Setting/Plot/Characters
This internal piece (my words) needs no setting or plot. The only character spews its destiny, at times pondering existence. It questions itself. Is it by default evil because it cares not for the souls it gathers?

The slightly moralistic tone sets the mood of despair and desolation. It's depressing in a poetic, if not overly original way. Sinners to hell, the good guys to heaven. It reads like a venting of negativity you're compelled to write, perhaps to banish bleakness.

Do people choose pathetic lives or are they forced by circumstance? Who would willingly and consciously embrace negativity?

*StarB*
Considerations
Using paragraphs would break up this large block of inner dialogue. Unfortunately, in this frantic world, readers crave blocks of white space. Because this work is not lengthy, its not in too much jeopardy. However, for a more professional presentation, try paragraphing and indenting the first line of each paragraph.

*StarB*
In closing
Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work. It's obvious you're a committed author. Your name is already posted at Review Central! Keep on writing, never stop reviewing. It's how we advance our skills.

I'm only one person with an opinion. Use what works for you and ignore the rest.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
1006
1006
Review of Orbs of Misnomer  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi there!

*BalloonB* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonB*

I found this piece posted at
"Newbie Help And Support Review Central


*StarB*
Overall Impression
The title grabbed my attention, due to its originality and air of mystique. *CheckG*

This was an unusual story, one I read over and over again, in part because I'm not familiar with the genre of fantasy. What appealed to me was the downplay of the dragon and the emphasis of entities uniting against a common evil. And the orbs. I want one.

*StarB*
Setting/Plot/Characters
The setting is established in the first sentence. Describing the sand as 'silver' lent an otherworldly atmosphere and piqued my curiosity.

The plot is timeless. Good vs. Evil. Your work stood out because of the concepts you employed. Energy and power can be absorbed from the dead. Although this theme has been used countless times, it felt original in your hands. The action was desperate and you raced through the fear-driven plot, creating a sense of urgency, defeat, and a glimmer of hope. *CheckG*

The characters include an inexperienced dragon, who is considered a pet? I guess cats and dogs don't belong in this fantasy world. I want to know more about the culture.

A thief, who is stealing power?

A band of heroes from alternate worlds.

All of whom seem engaged in an endless battle, until the implied conclusion.

The orbs, full of magical powers fascinated me. I wanted them to be used only by the heroes and not the thief, who surely is not deserving. However, good cannot exist without an opposite evil. How else would be define the difference?

Using the orb as a vehicle of communication cut short a lengthy description of alternate idea exchanging without words and without the expected employment of telepathy. *StarG*

I know this is a contest piece and you were limited by word count. The underlying story would make a magnificent write. I have questions that beg for answers. Who is the nameless one? Where did the orbs come from? What is the origin of this story?

Repetition of words can dilute intensity. Can you think of alternate words to avoid [nameless one/heroes/thief]?

*StarB*
Considerations
A bit of a snag for me was in paragraph 3
Each form that the doppelganger pets had mastered
I understand the first part. The thief has absorbed the pets' energy. In my mind, the power is internal. As I continued pondering, I think you're trying to say the pets were recreated, not absorbed, or created after the thief absorbed the energy. Sort of a transmutation.

Try to avoid adverbs and passive verbs
the dragon quickly became more powerful
The dragon's ferocity belied his age.
He consumed defeated monsters, their blood surrendering its raw power.

His breath and claws damaged his enemies and healed his friends.
The sentence makes more sense if the noun and action are together.
His breath healed friends. His claws savaged enemies.

The baby dragon was finally able to test the extent
This is a climatic moment, diluted by passive verbs and an adverb. What do you think of something like this quick example?
The baby dragon summoned all his power

They quickly ran together
Avoid adverbs to bolster a weak verb. How can you define [quickly ran]?
What about darted or raced?

*StarB*
In closing
Your story diverted me from a humdrum day. The total immersion into a fantastical world kept me thinking for hours. I wanted to step into the story, see that baby dragon behind the flanked heroes, poised to attack and decimate. I wanted to hold one of those orbs and observe the energy within, imagining light coursing beneath an opaque surface.

Your style is fresh and pleasing. Keep those stories coming!

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
1007
1007
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi there!

*BalloonB* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonB*

I found this piece posted at
"Newbie Help And Support Review Central


*StarB*
Overall Impression
Compelling and unique title. *CheckG*

This one-shot scene captured my interest, and Corporal Verdt's description and actions kept me reading. His appearance notched up the action and made me want to read more.

*StarB*
Setting/Plot/Characters
The setting is immediately envisioned, plot well-established, and characters defined.

You gave the reader enough information to formulate a general idea of the plot and began constructing your story world by sketching out the societal structure of opposing cultures. *CheckG*

Avoid wordiness. Consider paragraph 4 as the juggernaut stiffly strode towards them with terrifying speed. Strode is a strong verb and there's no need to include adverbs, which should be avoided. (Look for words ending in [ly] and find a stronger verb.

PARA 6: Another example of an adverb propping up a weak verb
He [quickly] dropped to the ground,
Typo: quickly. What other verb can describe the action? What do you think of [collapsed]? You don't need [to the ground] because where else could he fall down?

two more fetched shafts found What is a [fetched] staff? *Confused*

In the last paragraph, Markar makes a quick descent from the tree. It's exciting action, but dragged out. Think: the less words the better. Here's are a few stripped down examples> you would choose your own words to express this.
Markar swung from branch to branch,
He pummeled, rolling his shoulders to absorb the impact.

Keep the part about the branch biting into his glove. The detail helps define the character, because now I have to know why he's wearing gloves. Leaving questions unanswered draws the reader into the next chapter.

*StarB*
Considerations
in the unfortunate [guards'] chests.
I think you're only talking about the leader, so guard's indicates possession, whereas guards' indicates plural.

the rought bark bit Typo: rough

*StarB*
In closing
Paring down the passive verbs, correcting typos, avoiding adverbs and wordiness will bring this to a tighter read. Keep up the good work!

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
1008
1008
Review of Beyond  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi there!

*BalloonB* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonB*

I found this piece posted at
"Newbie Help And Support Review Central


*StarB*
Overall Impression
Spectacular conclusion!

*StarB*
Setting/Plot/Characters
Plot summary: Sean called his friend Mike and asked him to explore a cave he discovered. Mike, the more seasoned of the two, rappels down and flashes his light around.

Wham. The killer conclusion. *CheckG*

We don't learn much about either character in this story, other than Sean is most likely a farmer. Although how he makes a living this way is dubious.
Mike is known only as the more adventurous one.

The beginning paragraph is your hook, your one shot at capturing the reader's attention. Too much description stalls the story. Here's a quick example to demonstrate my point. You would choose your own way to express this, if you decided to edit.

Two days ago, while Sean was plowing his field, he nearly tumbled into a hole that appeared from nowhere.

In paragraph three, you don't need to explain
Distracting him from his thoughts and observations
We know Sean's shout interrupts him.

Often, new authors lean toward passive verbs (any form of the verb [to be]) creating wordiness, not tension. I keep in mind: "The less words the better." Show your readers what's happening, don't tell them.

The light from a small flashlight was not really doing much but for short distances, he was not expecting the size of this cave.
Here's a quick example of consolidating words and using action verbs.
Sean needed a torch, not his feeble flashlight to plumb the depths.

*StarB*
Considerations
Try to avoid sentences like this:
Being curious he called Mike
Sean called his buddy from college. "Mike, you won't believe what I found!
Agreeing Mike told him he would be there in a couple of days.
"Awesome. Sounds like an entrance to a cave. When can you show me?"

*StarB*
In closing
Take or leave whatever works. I'm only one person with an opinion, and you need more reviews to determine the path of your editing, if you decide to. As the author, only you know what works for this piece.

Keep up the good work. Never stop writing or reviewing.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
1009
1009
Review of Moonlight Rainbow  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi there!

*BalloonB* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonB*

I found this piece posted at
"Newbie Help And Support Review Central


*StarB*
Overall Impression
As chapter one in a novel, the reader needs to meet the characters, get a feel for the general outline of the plot, and have a burning desire to read the next chapter.

*StarB*
Setting/Plot/Characters
The beginning of the plot could be more clear and exciting.
Central Province, chamber thing, "came to know what the enemy was behind."
None of those elements create a coherent feeling for the plot. The strongest part and the only time I cared about the character was when he mentioned his lost family.

Flashbacks are mentioned, but what were they? Just telling the reader isn't enough. You might consider weaving this bit of information elsewhere in the plot and begin where the story begins. "It all started. . "

It makes more sense for the boy (?) to find the box where his sister disappeared, when she disappeared.

In the fourth paragraph, I would use Alice's name in the sentence "I could still see. . "

Paragraph five sort of wanders around without furthering the plot. The (boy?) has lost his sister and now he's waiting for the next full moon. The choppy sentences don't help, either. The best part was seeing the parent's reaction, and the character's wisdom and misery, knowing he must save his sister, but to do so, he will hurt his parents. That's character motivation and conflict. That's what you're looking for.

*StarB*
Considerations
I realized it wasn't []mere a firework. [a] mere firework, or merely a firework.

You also have the opportunity to add some sizzle. What is not a mere firework? Rather than say what it isn't, you might try something like this.

Maybe the night sky explodes with a spattering of glittering sparks? See the difference? Now, find your own words. *Wink*

*StarB*
In closing
I noticed you have written several chapters. Try not to get too far ahead before editing what you have. However, if your brain is high on inspiration, keep writing until it evens out, and then go back for corrections. Good luck with your project!

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review this. I'm only one person with an opinion. Use thoughts that help, ignore the rest. Keep on writing!

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
1010
1010
Review of Thought Shower  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, Jo. Here's a review from your Nuclear Package (a mixture of six small items) from "Invalid Item gifted by Elle - on hiatus

Overall Impression
The name of the folder drew me into your thoughts. The description fit the contents (something I struggle with). I found bright and dark writes that gave me a peek into your personality. I read through most of the items, some I've seen before, others new.

I agree with the title of this piece, "Invalid Item, but our circumstances differ. I've been married twice and have had a few 'boyfriends' but nothing satisfying because I sell myself short. I'm looking for the sun in everyone's soul, which draws me to the dark ones so I can help. At long last, I've acquiesced to the knowledge gained. I'm the one getting hurt and taken advantage of while working endlessly to accommodate the other person.

It's been years since I 'dated' anyone. I give up.

Parting thoughts
This was supposed to be a review of the folder, but I got pulled into your story without realizing it. Overall, the folder encapsulated many aspects of your life, and the items within covered a broad spectrum. Great job organizing this file! You're straightforward and willing to share your vulnerabilities. You're a strong person.

Thanks for the opportunity to review this and 'see' into your life.


** Image ID #1729365 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
1011
1011
Review of The Orange  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi! Here's the last review from "Invalid Itemas gifted by your secret pal.

*Lightning*
Overall Impression
You asked if the story needed further revision. First, never be embarrassed concerning anything you write. And yes, I have a few thoughts that might help.

*Lightning*
Thoughts
Your story is strong in message, but it was played down in the conclusion. In the first paragraph of the last section, Nina says she's unsure how her life was impacted. But in the next paragraph she understands completely the heartwarming theme of this piece. One small, insignificant moment changes lives.

The middle part of the story was outstanding. (The actual plot) You "showed" us Nina's circumstances and created a vivid and poignant scene. Maybe if she achieved something specific because of her teacher, the ending would be stronger. Can she become a teacher as well with an orange on her desk, maybe looking at a child just like her all those years ago? That would give you a story arc.

The sad truth is, kids do go hungry. Right here in the States. It's deplorable, so I'm pleased you found a way to work it into a story.

*Pencil*
Considerations
A few slips up here and there, nothing traumatic.
PARA one S1 might flow better by deleting the first 'and' using a comma in its place.

The rest of the paragraph is rather bland, not revealing much of anything. Can you create some action? Even something basic like this: "Memories of the first time she saw an orange surged into her mind." would help. In your own words, of course.

Nina straightened the thin [,] faded cotton dress

Suggest italics or dialogue tag, not both. Also, no point in sticking 'it' at the end of the sentence.
When does she have time to eat it? Nina wondered.

No comma
She was jolted out of her thoughts, when

I noticed the word 'lunch' appeared several times, which can be tedious. In some sentences, you don't need it at all.

*Lightning*
Parting Comments
You're only looking at a bit of editing, unless you want to "punch" up the plot, or change the structure of the story. Overall, I'm happy the opportunity to read and review this arose. Please ignore any comments that are not beneficial. I'm only one person with an opinion.

** Image ID #1729357 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
1012
1012
Review of The Escape  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi! I'm here today to offer a peer review—one reader's reaction. A return review in thanks for mine.

*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
Sci-fi is my favorite genre so I was thrilled to find this story. My head is still reeling with the emotions you evoked.

*BulletB* What I liked
Being Flash, this has to be a tight read, but the twisty plot, solid characters, and sufficient setting added up to a shocking read.

I'm not sure how you accomplished it, but Vanna captured my interest from the first sentence. Maybe because she's taking on a task that fascinates me. Not the killing part, but the espionage. As those type of stories go, the plots are similar. But, and I'm embarrassed to say this, a slight gasp escaped in that moment of revelation. (avoiding a spoiler)

*BulletB* A few thoughts:
and [sit] back down on the chair. sat back down

She opened the envelope[] missing period.

she ask the commander asked

*BulletB* In conclusion
Great write!

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
1013
1013
Review of Lovey Dovey  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Taryn! Here's a review from your Nuclear Package from "Invalid Item gifted by A E Willcox

Overall Impression
Your style or voice is friendly, a bit ironic, and welcoming.

The question you pose in this folder is one I often ponder. Are humans drawn more to the theme of darkness rather than light or joy?

This folder is a celebration of joy. I stopped counting the number of poems when I reached 25. A truly impressive display of creativity expressing various love themes. The image of the red roses is an excellent choice for the cover. Surely, only love comes from red roses, right?

Reading over the titles of the poems, I was most taken in by the title:
"No Appointment Required"

Parting thoughts
So, what's the deal with special week day rates for couples? *Laugh*

Let me just add, you certainly earned the 2012 Quill nomination.


** Image ID #1729365 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
1014
1014
Review of Conner's Hunt  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi there!

*BalloonB* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonB*


*StarB*
Overall Impression
Your story is exactly what the brief description stated. A strange text sends Connor on a baffling journey. I remained clueless (even with the excellent foreshadowing) until the conclusion. *CheckG*

*StarB*
Setting/Plot/Characters
The initial hook kicked off in a board meeting where Connor was embarrassed by his boss because his cell phone rang. As the day progresses, the peculiar events accumulate. With each new development, Connor moves through a myriad of feelings. From curious to annoyance to fear and finally, anger. You demonstrated realistic character progression. *CheckG*

*StarB*
Considerations
In general, here's something to consider. You don't have to tell your reader everything, especially the boring parts. For instance, you don't have to describe every bit of Connor's actions.

Nothing that does not directly pertain to the story should not be in the plot. It's your decision, of course, but the moment when Connor runs afoul of the couple and the shotgun confused and took me right out of the story.

*StarB*
In closing
The conclusion was a total surprise. And, a happy one. Never stop writing and always review. It's how we build our skills. I'm only one person with an opinion. Take what helps and ignore the rest.

** Image ID #1786732 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
1015
1015
Review of A Perceived World  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there!

*BalloonB* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonB*


*StarB*
Overall Impression
By the time I reached the last few paragraphs, chills chased up and down my arms. The story is outstanding, but like all first drafts, requires editing. I have a few thoughts.

*StarB*
Setting/Plot/Characters
The story begins with an action scene and drew me right in. Good job! You made me feel the wind swirling and, along with Meeka, I felt the air shift, indicating a new world. Nicely done.

I'm not sure what this word was supposed to be, which was sad because it brought me out of the spell. [ataractic.] Did you mean [arctic]?

Sentences like this distance the action. The next sentence also begins with [she felt]
She felt the wind snapping and whooshing around her as they flew through the barrier
Consider: The wind snapped and whooshed as they penetrated the barrier.

The energy between Meeka and Daastan (great names)crackles. She's irreverent and mocking in a few sentences that made me laugh. He's forever trying to possess her body, while Meeka is determined to fend him off. I would play this up because strong characters make strong stories.

Daastan is a character I'd like to see developed. Are you writing more to include the whole story of Meeka and her civilization? You should.

The plot is compelling and unusual. The possibilities endless.

The moment when she healed her mother was magical. All her life, she's struggled to control the inexplicable heat in her body, frightened by it, and now the reason is revealed.

*StarB*
Considerations
Words in brackets are corrections. Direct quotes are in blue.
PARA followed by the first sentence guides you to the area of correction.

I found enough minor slip-ups to distract me. Also, try to write with word economy. Don't over explain.
The violent winds became still as they finally broke through
The winds stilled.

PARA It wasn't long
Was this when it feed [fed]her to its offspring?


It snorted a breath through its nose
it snorted. We know snorts come through noses

as she fell into the entrance of the cave.
as she fell into the cave's entrance

PARA Are you alright?
tighten as he wrapped her [his] other arm around her


PARA You are without a doubt
guided her further into the cave.

farther into the cave. Farther is distance. Further is everything else, usually time related.

Meeka did not know what to think.
[didn't]Use contractions for a tighter read.

Avoid word repetition.
that was always coursing through her. She always held the heat back

PARA You father did that
It was something I always love [d] about you.”

She feel [fell] into her arms [,] crying


PARA She is alive
He pulled her deeper into the cave/as she slowly walked deeper into the cave

Definitely avoid repetition in such close proximity. Also, avoid adverbs, they indicate a weak verb. [Slowly walked] For example [crept] or [shuffled]

PARA This is your mother
her mother was suffering from and [an] infected wound.
“You must help her, Meeka, she needs you [your] magic.”


PARA Meeka looked away
light come from her hand and move to her mother’s leg./as she saw a gentle light come from her hand

Word repetition

Tear [s]rolled down her eyes

Something I noticed throughout was the excessive use of pronouns. Look at the sentence beginning with:
PARA Meeka, Daastin said
The pronoun 'her' is used five times in one sentence. We already know it's [hers] so you don't have to keep repeating it. Or, you can try switching the sentence structure.


In closing
What happened to Meeka's brother after the dragon snatched her? Did she lose that world? Does she remember it?

Wonderful story. With practice, you'll learn how to avoid passive verbs and compose active sentences. Keep on writing and reviewing to advance your skills!

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1016
1016
Review of Temporary Home  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi there! I dropped by to leave a few thoughts. Please remember, I'm only one person with an opinion. *Wink*

*BalloonB* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonB*


*StarB*
Overall Impression
It's fun to write from someone else's perspective, especially non-human. I actually saw a contest for this type of writing, but it's closed now. Keep track of running contests by using the left menu. You might find another one open!

*StarB*
Setting/Plot/Characters
The story begins with Sammy in a cage. From there, we follow his mental processes as the plot unfolds. Choosing Colorado as a destination was a great idea, because if I remember correctly, there's an impressive veterinary school there.

Sammy's experiences are similar to humans. People like us, or they don't. If we're broken in any way, we're behind bars of some sort or another. This little puppy's dominion was so limited, he's lucky to have Mekka love him. That's all most of us really need.

When the puppy saw the 'bird with a staircase' it was the first time I saw through the puppy's eyes. What kept distracting me were the descriptions that could not be observed by an animal. For example: To my knowledge, animals don't see colors like humans.

I wondered how the dog knew medicine tasted like chalk. Very few of the observations in this story are really from an animal's POV. It would be a good idea to read this over again and do some editing. The moments with the puppy and the blanket make sense, and definitely the stomach upset from the ride. He can aware he's in something moving, but would not know it was a van.

You chose a bright theme—It's wonderful there are animal lovers dedicated to bettering the lives of our pets or injured wildlife.

I'm not sure what your intentions were with this piece, so I'll stop the review here.

*StarB*
In closing
Keep writing and reviewing! Take advantage of all the newbie forums.

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1017
1017
Review of I'm Fine  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there! I stopped by to leave a few thoughts. Please remember, I'm offering only one person's opinion.

*BalloonB* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonB*


*StarB*
Overall Impression
I'm sad to say I have to agree with you. When someone asks "How are you?" they don't really want to know. "I'm fine" is my first reflex, especially when I am not. Everyone has bits of anguish, some more than others, that we keep to ourselves. Imagine a person actually telling another the truth. No one wants to hear it. We speak in platitudes.

In part what I don't say protects people. No, I'm not fine, but it's okay because I don't want them to know. It's a paradox.

Writers are lucky because we know how to unload whatever is on our mind. Or at least we try. I wonder if your mood has changed since you wrote this. It sounds like desperation, because of course you know people are more than lies. Some of us even demonstrate compassion.

Once, I heard that men lie to impress and women lie to protect.

*StarB*
In closing
Now that your passion is captured, go back and give this another read. I think you'll find a lot of repetition, and winnowing this out forces a writer to pinpoint exactly what they're trying to say.

Keep on writing, reviewing, reading and editing. It's how we fine tune our skills. *Smile*

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1018
1018
Review of Final Waters  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there!

*BalloonB* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonB*


*StarB*
Overall Impression
First of all- Excellent Title!

Danny's feelings are realistic and it's easy to sympathize with him. Living with regret consumes a person, so I was relieved to learn he worked through his emotions with his mom.

*StarB*
Setting/Plot/Characters
The phone ringing in the early morning hours filled my heart with dread. Good job giving the story a true-to-live feeling.

The mom's actions and feelings were accurate and understandable. My sister died in 1983 and my parents still do not speak of her. It's very unhealthy, and every time I visit, I have to remember not to reference her in any way, despite evidence of her life everywhere in my parent's home. She was gifted in many ways, art being one of her favorite mediums. It's so weird to see all her masterpieces hung but never talk about her work.

It's also understandable to want to avoid death, like Danny. It's frightening to watch someone wither away. Visiting my sister when she was hospitalized is a trauma I will never forget. Similar to Danny, I wasn't there when she died, but only because she lived in New York State and I lived in Maine. When the phone call came, I scrambled for a flight, but she died right about the time I was boarding the first plane out of Maine into Logan Airport in Boston.

Your story made me think of so many things! In a lesser occurrence, years ago, my son's cat was hit by a car and died. After we buried the body, my 12 year old son lit candles and sat vigil by Frosty's grave. It took hours to coax him inside, and when he finally broke down, it was his guilt that shattered him. His last words with his cat were shooing the animal away because he was doing homework. I told him much the same as Danny's mom. My son loved his cat all the days he owned him, and one sharp remark made no difference. Frosty knew he was cherished.

Danny has to deal with his guilt because he manufactured a way to avoid seeing his grandfather. Most likely, his grandfather preferred Danny not see him in such a weakened state.

*StarB*
Considerations
Well, sorry I took off there. Your story dragged all those thoughts from me. Maybe I needed to talk about death.

A few thoughts:
Granddad and Mom are only capitalized when used as proper nouns. I remember making the same mistake. If you're writing 'his granddad' 'his mother' remember no capitals. You wrote it correctly in the first paragraph.

Something that will come with practice. Words can get in the way. In the second paragraph after the break, look at the last sentence. If you ended the sentence after [he developed a sudden bug] the reader will infer the rest. That he was avoiding seeing his grandfather. Try not to over explain, let the reader fill in the blanks. I try to think "the less the better."

I also learned not to use adjectives. It was a frustrating experience—adjectives are fun, but sadly, only used sparsely, if at all in contemporary fiction.

*StarB*
In closing
You're off to a great start, so keep up the good work! Reviewing, reading, writing and editing will help develop the talents that differentiate good writing from outstanding.

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1019
1019
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi there!

*BalloonB* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonB*

I found this piece posted at
"Newbie Help And Support Review Central


*StarB*
Overall Impression
A fast, short, short plot details one occurrence in a teenage girl's life. Danger is immediately sensed, a lone girl walking in the dark when it's raining set my nerves on edge.

Plot summary: A girl stays late to finish homework, walks home alone, converses with her brother, and has a supernatural experience.

Your opening paragraph should be concise. Think about what is essential to the story. Practice word economy. The word [very] has no meaning in fiction, and definitely not repeated. What verb can you think of that is stronger than strict? You can go right to obsessive here. What about [he was focused to the point of obsession]? You don't need to tell the reader everyone in the school agrees. If you could reword it, the part about his obsession with homework being equivalent to ice cream was comical, even though it's not essential to the plot. And there you have one paradox of writing. Sometimes things that aren't "supposed to work" do.

Try not to use passive verbs. For instance, can you think of another way to reword this sentence fragment?
she couldn’t care less about homework,
For example:
She only cared about homework because of Kaito-sensei's obsession.

The second paragraph has no real impact on the plot. Especially the [locked the locker] part. If you want to keep the sentence, try something like 'she twirled the dial'

Miku can move from the end of the first paragraph to the outside rainy evening. Question. Can grey rain be clear?

What happened next took me totally by surprise. The description of the boy was outstanding. Vivid, but not overdone. Miku's "Stop" should be written before the boy takes action. Perhaps she can observe one foot sliding toward the edge of the building and realize his intentions.

Rather than using paragraph breaks to indicate transition [?] a brief description of her arriving home, or a more detailed scene than Miku sitting in a room would smooth out the action. Perhaps let the reader see her arrive safely home. It can be simple scene, like having her call her brother's name to announce her presence, which would bring him into the plot sooner, and not have him appear from nowhere.

Miku's thoughts about her brother (he trusting her to make the right choice) needed more development for this to feel natural. I would expect these feelings to come from her parents, not her brother. I have three brothers, and while my situation might be unusual, none of them paid much attention to who I was dating.

The names you chose for your characters indicate an Asian culture (?) where maybe a brother would act like Aniki, and his concern is precious. Another indication is the usage of the word [tealette]. I googled the word and found only references to fashion or cloth types. Perhaps work in some details to enlighten your readers, because I'm curious.

I had a horrible encounter with an Ouija board, so intense, even typing the word makes me uneasy. Yes, I'm overly superstitious, but I can never forget what happened to my sister and I nearly 50 years ago!

*StarB*
In closing
Consider tightening the conclusion. Fiction is direct. Instead of He seemed to be hugging her from behind try 'he was hugging her from behind'.
Also, he's "getting more solid" which implies he's more than just a ghostly presence.

I think you had fun writing this, even though it's a frightening story. Your writing style has a carefree feeling to it, making it an enjoyable read.

Please email after you've edited this a few times and I'll take another look at it. Keep up the good work. Write and review as much as possible. Both are rewarding and conducive to advancing our skills.

My comments are meant to be helpful for you to explore or ignore. Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work!

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1020
1020
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi. Here's a review for your Electric Package from "Invalid Item Gifted by A E Willcox

Overall Impression
The dialect in this piece was delightful. Within a few sentences, it was a natural sounding as current speech. The words were altered just enough to convince the reader that the passing of time had blurred the pronunciations. You carried it through without one hitch while you wove your tale of wars and the nature of people.

Highlights
The Einstein quote (Imstine) is one of my favorites. It's chilling and I hope we never find out if its true. Humans are violent and create war. The culture in your story rings dear in my heart, and I wished it would remain the same, because when civilization advances, it only sometimes happens quietly. A point the Storyteller made clear.

A few little hitches along the way:
The[y] be happy to hear tell that there be no kings here, jest the clans
started another war[.] They fought
Sh[e] looked over

Closing thoughts
What will history relate of current times? Of a people who were made fully aware by scientific fact they were killing their own planet, yet chose to continue in their destructive ways. Sometimes I wonder how long this will go on before a cataclysmic event brings us back to sticks and stones.

Great write, as always, Fyn.

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1021
1021
Review of Day 4 - 1-16-13  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi. Here's a review for your Electric Package from "Invalid Item Gifted by A E Willcox

Overall Impression
Oh my, Fyn. When I read the last paragraph, I echoed your thoughts. Please take me back and let me see it all over again, or never ask me to leave. You really did steal me away for a day.

Highlights
Your graceful style is reflected strongly here, and the pictures that accompany the words complete any missed detail, just in case you slipped past one. But, of course, you captured it all.

I was thrilled you included a picture of Dray and Barney. Twenty-one hand horses? I thought the Clydesdale's were the largest anywhere.

I was shocked as any first time reader. A blue-painted ceiling keeps the wasps away. Someone was very clever. I thought I was brilliant when I set the syrup on the porch railing to keep the flies away when we brunched on the verandah of our favorite apple orchard restaurant in the Southern Tier of New York State. (Sadly, I no longer live there.)

Closing thoughts
I've been on similar tours in other cities, and now I feel as if I have seen Mackinac too. You're a gifted author, Fyn, and it's always a delight to have the opportunity to read and review you work.

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1022
1022
Review of Still Here  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi. Here's a review for your Electric Package from "Invalid Item Gifted by A E Willcox

Overall Impression
From the first paragraph, I was hooked into your non-fiction story. It's written with grace and elegance, sharply enough to read like fiction, with no overwhelming lamenting for such a personal experience. (If that makes sense.)

Highlights
Paragraph five was breathtaking, the things you "saw" missing were unusual and poignant.

I bonded mostly with the mom because I would become trance-like in the face of utter desolation, shutting down to protect my heart and soul, rehearsing endlessly the positive aspect. Later, your mom is comforted by your assertions.

I can see my dad reacting similarly, but I could not have expressed what you did, because I really don't know who he is inside. Maybe surviving Iwo Jima in WW2 formed his stoic and silent psyche.

It's true, so much of our lives is captured online. My parents have all the old photo albums dragged out for visitors. I've heard many people say the first thing they would take from a burning house would be photo albums. (If they had a chance.)

When I reached the sweeping conclusion, I already had tears in my eyes. The last sentence expressed so much, impressing me because of the simple truth. I wanted to highlight it, but that would ruin the experience for your other readers.

PARA: "I can't remember
I think you're missing a word in this part of the sentence, or maybe I misread it, though I went over it several times.
"but wasn’t the point."

Closing thoughts
The good news? You've created a monument that will always testify to the great loss you all endured. You have my sympathies.

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1023
1023
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, there. *Smile* I'm reviewing this piece to participate in a ROAK challenge to earn a specific merit badge. Because I'm interested in the medical genre I chose your story.

Overall Impression
*CheckG* Clever and fitting title.

The story started strong and kept me engaged. You have some impressive moments going on here and with a bit off fine-tuning, your story will shine. Enough minor errors added up to distraction, but they are easy to fix and I'll try to help you out because I care about your work.

Characters/Setting/Plot
In the opening paragraph using Angela's full name will cement the concept that the home is her family's.
Angela Hewitt knew her answers were here. The family home—

You set the scene well, detailed enough so I could see what Angela was looking at, which drew me further into the story. My attachment to her grew as the story progressed. The divorce came out of nowhere, especially considering they had just been intimate. I wanted to argue the point, because if one of the issues was a family, well, Angela was in the family way and this might have made a difference. It seemed reasonable they could work it out, but you destroyed the possibility shot by shot until it's clear that the relationship had passed the point of no return.

Once the back story has been resolved, Angela moves into her new life. You wrote
—"thinking of the innocent little one swimming inside.
This fit in seamlessly and added to the ocean theme. *StarP* I felt her exuberance and celebrated with her when she declared her pregnancy to the world. A gorgeous moment and vividly real. (I would do the same thing.)

Much of the story is telling, in order to cover the small details. The story changes from Angela/husband/baby to Angela and Carl Ingles. From there, the plot becomes complex and in places it felt rushed. This begins when Angela and Rosie are shopping. Also, this passive sentence really doesn't add to the story.
A trip to town was necessary and lots of fun for Rosie and Angela.
You can just stick to the sweet details you included, and maybe add in their shared luncheon after you finish describing the trip.

Example telling vs. showing:
Her weight was less than three pound
The baby weighed less than three pounds.

Carl was careful to watch her pregnancy diet.
Carl monitored her pregnancy diet.

Considering the depth of the plot, one sentence describing the renovations might be sufficient (maybe just the contractor's dialogue) so the reader can focus more on the "meaty" plot elements—her life after meeting Carl. This was the strongest part of the story and the part that might require a bit more handling.

Here's one example
One day she was walking over some rocks and stumbled over a person.
Carl Ingles, was bent over tying his shoe laces
Suggest [One day she was walking over some rocks and stumbled over a person tying his shoe laces.]
This is an important scene that was glossed over. I would slow it down. The reader doesn't know Charles Ingles or anything about his dog Chuckles. Maybe more dialogue would due the trick. Angela apologizing and Charles introducing himself.

Word repetition - The second sentence is powerful and moving, succinct. Be carful not to "over-tell" the story. *Wink*
PARA Carl explained
Her color was blue from lack of oxygen
Angela was as snow white as Isabella was dusky blue

Questions
she thought she could smell peace pipes
She could smell the odor of tobacco burning, not the peace pipes themselves, unless peace pipes have an odor all their own.

Angela had chosen Isabella [Therese]. Isabella means" strength and beauty".
This could be less confusing. Since Therese has no importance, it would be cleaner to write [Angela chose Isabella because it meant 'strength and beauty.'

Angela cannot use 'pumped breast milk' while she's on medication because the milk would still be laced with the pharmaceuticals. She would have to wait entirely until she was off everything. Depending on the time frame, her milk might have dried up. You might need to take a look and rethink this part.

Oops
PARA: Angela remembered
sand by the ocean [] and a piece of deer skin.
Missing comma, elements in a series

PARA Renovations
Renovations on the home were started
Suggest [Renovations began fifteen years ago—]

all of it from Angela’s Mom, Mallory
No capitalization of [mom] because it's not used as a proper name in this sentence.

{c{black}PARA Angela was
had chopped firewood[] leaving it stacked by the door.
Missing comma preceding participle phrase

PARA Angela made
sofa under an handmade quilt.
a handmade quilt

“I have found someone [that] wants children
who

She shouted to the wind, the sun[] and the sand.
Missing comma, elements in a series

Unnecessary paragraph break causes confusion. [She had] should be in the same paragraph that ends with [middle]
Even with a divorce in the middle.
She had a serenity about her,
Even with the divorce in the middle, she had a serenity about her.

Watch out for choppy sentences, and in this case, extraneous words. Also correct spelling [amniocentesis]
They did an amniocentisis. Everything looked good.

She wanted a mural
requires a paragraph break because it's a new topic.

In closing
This review could go on and on, but I'll leave it here. Mostly, I would winnow this down to the most essential details. Noting belongs in the story unless it has a direct impact on the plot. Try to avoid telling and using passive sentences. Great conclusion.

The lovely description of the wedding rings tied this up perfectly.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work. My thoughts are my own for you to ignore or explore. Keep up the good work!


Personal signature By Kiya


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1024
1024
Review of Don't Tell  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi colorfulpoet

I found this piece posted at
"Newbie Help And Support Review Central


Welcome to WdC!

*StarP*
Overall Impression
A man is unjustly attacked and chooses to end a relationship rather than potentially put his girlfriend in danger. This could have gone either way, and I was upset when he refused to file a police report.

*StarP*
Setting/Plot/Characters
Nick takes quite a pounding and the scene is vividly cast. What chance did he have with two against one? The attack was unjustified and not expanded upon. Neither Ariel nor Nick have any idea why Trevor or Anthony would think Nick was cheating. Some sort of speculation would bring the plot along, give the reader a deeper mystery to contemplate.

*StarP*
Considerations
You have an open review request in the forum. Extensive editing is required, and although you have received seventeen reviews, the piece has been untouched since January. Perhaps you don't want this reviewed anymore. Maybe you've lost interest or you're having membership or internet problems.

In fiction, less is better. Your story is repetitive. Perhaps you can think through exactly what you're trying to convey and write it once. Keep it simple. The reader wants action. Your first paragraph, actually the first sentence should grab the reader's attention. The details of Nick's responsibilities and actions before he locks the door won't do the trick. One way would be to have him lock the door, and when he turns around, get those bad guys right in there.

You might try dialogue. Nick walks out and sees the guys. Use all the senses. Maybe he smells the alcohol.
"Trevor, Anthony, what're you guys doing here?"

This sentence makes me want to know more. You've created tension. *Smile*
Trevor had something partly concealed in his jacket sleeve.
Now, make it active. Not these words, of course, it's just an example.
The bulge under Trevor's sleeve frightened me.

*StarP*
In closing
Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work. I hope you come back and work on this story. Keep writing, keep editing!

Enjoy your time here and take advantage of all that is offered. I'm attaching some gift points as an additional welcome. *Bigsmile*

** Image ID #1786732 Unavailable **


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1025
1025
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi LtRyanWolf

I found this piece posted at
"Newbie Help And Support Review Central


*StarP*
Overall Impression
This story was a blast to read. The action was fast and furious.

*StarP*
Setting/Plot/Characters
The sky is described in detail as the setting. The reader is thrown into the mix as two characters appear and clash.

Tika would rather Ruby not ask him to join her. They have a history, and he wants to keep this from his girl, but in the conclusion he's speaking of his wife. If he considers his girl his wife, she's one lucky woman.

The humorous aspect of this piece was delightful, especially so when Tika says Zark sounds like something from a video game. He's right! I wondered what the time period was for this story, since he's referencing the 1980's. That makes me think of current day Earth, where I took this piece as fantasy. (Capturing rainbows and fighting dragons)

Your action scenes are easily visualized and exciting. *Thumbsup*
Is it okay if I felt sad for the dragons?

Tika is a top pilot, at times he made me think of Top Gun.

What would improve this piece? Dialogue. Rather than telling us what the characters said, let them speak for themselves. For example:

"Tika!"

"Yes, Ruby?" I cringed and turned around to see the beautiful, buxom witch of the Red Rose. No doubt she's after me for another dragon mission.

"A rainbow was stolen and spirited away to Mists of Zark, and you are helping me bring it back."

"The mists of Zark? Sounds like a cheesy 1980's video game."

In with your dialogue, sprinkle what you need the reader to know, as I did briefly in Tika's first sentence. Easy, right?

Try to remember in fiction, less is more. Your opening paragraph describes the sky in several different ways, but really you only need one strong impression. Try to open the story with action.

*StarP*
In closing
Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work! Your story is a great addition to the community. Keep on writing!

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