Hi, there. I'm reviewing this piece to participate in a ROAK challenge to earn a specific merit badge. Because I'm interested in the medical genre I chose your story.
Overall Impression
Clever and fitting title.
The story started strong and kept me engaged. You have some impressive moments going on here and with a bit off fine-tuning, your story will shine. Enough minor errors added up to distraction, but they are easy to fix and I'll try to help you out because I care about your work.
Characters/Setting/Plot
In the opening paragraph using Angela's full name will cement the concept that the home is her family's.
Angela Hewitt knew her answers were here. The family home—
You set the scene well, detailed enough so I could see what Angela was looking at, which drew me further into the story. My attachment to her grew as the story progressed. The divorce came out of nowhere, especially considering they had just been intimate. I wanted to argue the point, because if one of the issues was a family, well, Angela was in the family way and this might have made a difference. It seemed reasonable they could work it out, but you destroyed the possibility shot by shot until it's clear that the relationship had passed the point of no return.
Once the back story has been resolved, Angela moves into her new life. You wrote
—"thinking of the innocent little one swimming inside.
This fit in seamlessly and added to the ocean theme. I felt her exuberance and celebrated with her when she declared her pregnancy to the world. A gorgeous moment and vividly real. (I would do the same thing.)
Much of the story is telling, in order to cover the small details. The story changes from Angela/husband/baby to Angela and Carl Ingles. From there, the plot becomes complex and in places it felt rushed. This begins when Angela and Rosie are shopping. Also, this passive sentence really doesn't add to the story.
A trip to town was necessary and lots of fun for Rosie and Angela.
You can just stick to the sweet details you included, and maybe add in their shared luncheon after you finish describing the trip.
Example telling vs. showing:
Her weight was less than three pound
The baby weighed less than three pounds.
Carl was careful to watch her pregnancy diet.
Carl monitored her pregnancy diet.
Considering the depth of the plot, one sentence describing the renovations might be sufficient (maybe just the contractor's dialogue) so the reader can focus more on the "meaty" plot elements—her life after meeting Carl. This was the strongest part of the story and the part that might require a bit more handling.
Here's one example
One day she was walking over some rocks and stumbled over a person.
Carl Ingles, was bent over tying his shoe laces
Suggest [One day she was walking over some rocks and stumbled over a person tying his shoe laces.]
This is an important scene that was glossed over. I would slow it down. The reader doesn't know Charles Ingles or anything about his dog Chuckles. Maybe more dialogue would due the trick. Angela apologizing and Charles introducing himself.
Word repetition - The second sentence is powerful and moving, succinct. Be carful not to "over-tell" the story. ![Wink *Wink*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/wink.png)
PARA Carl explained
Her color was blue from lack of oxygen
Angela was as snow white as Isabella was dusky blue
Questions
she thought she could smell peace pipes
She could smell the odor of tobacco burning, not the peace pipes themselves, unless peace pipes have an odor all their own.
Angela had chosen Isabella [Therese]. Isabella means" strength and beauty".
This could be less confusing. Since Therese has no importance, it would be cleaner to write [Angela chose Isabella because it meant 'strength and beauty.'
Angela cannot use 'pumped breast milk' while she's on medication because the milk would still be laced with the pharmaceuticals. She would have to wait entirely until she was off everything. Depending on the time frame, her milk might have dried up. You might need to take a look and rethink this part.
Oops
PARA: Angela remembered
sand by the ocean [] and a piece of deer skin.
Missing comma, elements in a series
PARA Renovations
Renovations on the home were started
Suggest [Renovations began fifteen years ago—]
all of it from Angela’s Mom, Mallory
No capitalization of [mom] because it's not used as a proper name in this sentence.
{c{black}PARA Angela was
had chopped firewood[] leaving it stacked by the door.
Missing comma preceding participle phrase
PARA Angela made
sofa under an handmade quilt.
a handmade quilt
“I have found someone [that] wants children
who
She shouted to the wind, the sun[] and the sand.
Missing comma, elements in a series
Unnecessary paragraph break causes confusion. [She had] should be in the same paragraph that ends with [middle]
Even with a divorce in the middle.
She had a serenity about her,
Even with the divorce in the middle, she had a serenity about her.
Watch out for choppy sentences, and in this case, extraneous words. Also correct spelling [amniocentesis]
They did an amniocentisis. Everything looked good.
She wanted a mural
requires a paragraph break because it's a new topic.
In closing
This review could go on and on, but I'll leave it here. Mostly, I would winnow this down to the most essential details. Noting belongs in the story unless it has a direct impact on the plot. Try to avoid telling and using passive sentences. Great conclusion.
The lovely description of the wedding rings tied this up perfectly.
Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work. My thoughts are my own for you to ignore or explore. Keep up the good work!
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