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Review Requests: OFF
3,303 Public Reviews Given
3,342 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Template most of the time, covering setting/plot/characters/conflict/resolution if applicable. For shorter works, I concentrate more on feelings evoked.
I'm good at...
Short story, chapter reviews and in-depth reviews.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, Romance, mystery, children's
Least Favorite Genres
Historical
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novel chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
essay, editorial, non-fiction, somebody's homework assignment
I will not review...
XGC, poems, prose. I am an animal activist and vegan, so cruelty or violent, unnecessary, death due to negligence is overwhelming. I am unable to review any pieces involving abuse of any kind to anyone. I like to keep my corner or the world happy, because I grew beyond my "challenges" of childhood and don't want to look back.
Public Reviews
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1051
1051
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, shadowsofthealmighty Welcome to
*PoseyV*"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 's Newbie Spring Review Raid!*PoseyV*
And *BalloonY* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonY*


*PoseyV*
Overall Impression
This is a great action piece that never lets up. I'm not a demon person, but that didn't detract from my enjoyment. The action begins, bang, right from the first sentence. I don't need to know the specific of any of the fighter's personalities or appearances; I immediately identified with them because of the impending peril. I was rooting for all of them, although I sensed the battle was lost before it began.

The story moves swiftly, with no extra wording to interfere with the tension. It was easy to visualize all the various scenes. I was greatly disturbed by the demon "licking up blood like milk," but it was essential to the story and added more shock value, made the demons more dastardly.

*PoseyV*
Considerations
The second half of this sentence was an action halter, partly because you used the same words in the first part.
Three bullets to the head caused the creature to scream in agony before a fourth [caused it to fall back out of the plane.]
You're great writing action and you missed an opportunity here. For example:
blasted it out of the plane.

You might consider rewording your last sentence this way:
As the demon advanced, Franks was glad he remembered to leave one bullet in his gun. Or, for hotter action, lose the passive verb [was] and maybe try some dialogue. I'm just playing around here, definitely not suggesting you rewrite anything.
As the demon advanced, Franks aimed his gun, which held one last bullet. He looked the demon in the eye. "Go find someone else to snack on."

*PoseyV*
In closing
My thoughts are my own, for you to explore or ignore. This review is lengthy because I liked your story and your style. I cared about what you wrote, but only you, the author, knows what works best.

You're off to a great start. Keep up the good work! *Smile*


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1052
1052
Review of Cherry Oh!  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Rebelman Welcome to
*PoseyV*"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 's Newbie Spring Review Raid!*PoseyV*
And *BalloonY* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonY*


*PoseyV*
Overall Impression
Clever and expressive title!

After reading your story, I'm hungry, starving actually. What an excellent job describing Bolivar's pie-eating experience.

*PoseyV*
Plot/Setting/Characters
I would suggest a stronger hook for the beginning of your plot. Rather than him introducing himself (after all, we'll find out who he is when we read the story) try for an action sentence to entice your reader.

This is only a suggestion and it's a radical one. You could dispense with the entire beginning and start with
I met a pie man, by the name of Cass Kincade.
because that's the first sentence that caught my attention.

Don't get me wrong, I was impressed by Bolivar's observations about education. The pickle in fiction is keeping the reader engaged, and lengthy sentences with passive verbs tend to shut interest down.

Some sort of revision is in order, because you need his postulations to complete the story arc. Maybe he can mention it further into the plot?

*PoseyV*
Considerations
In this sentence, you don't need to capitalize storm, and remember to keep all punctuation within the quotation marks.
“I seek shelter from the Storm”.
Edited: “I seek shelter from the storm."

Remember to separate all dialogue with paragraphs. Each person gets their own space in the story so the reader can follow along. Here's an example
Menu! He laughed. I only have one kind of pie. “Cherry Pie!”, he exclaimed with laughter.
New paragraph
"Menu," he laughed. "I only have one kind of pie. Cherry pie," he exclaimed with laughter."
Then begin a new paragraph. This is another instance of using less words. You already told us he's laughing.

Another nugget is to remember 'the less words the better.' It sounds contradictory, but it works magic. Avoid adding on needless descriptions and watch out for repetitive wording. Here's one example.
Mr. Kincade then disappeared behind the counter into the baking area of the bakery.
Does it make sense to you that [of the bakery] is not needed?

I noticed you used [then] in several places, and it's not necessary.
I then placed the first bite in my mouth,

Here's an example where a comma is needed to separate the participle phrase so it relates back to the subject, Mr. Kincade.
Once thru the door, I saw him standing next to a large blender[]working vigorously

*PoseyV*
In closing
You've created quite a story on the simple subject of cherry pie that's really not so simple at all. It demonstrates a life philosophy of minimalism and general kindness. Mr. Kincade is indeed an amazing man, and this came across clearly during his appearance in your plot.

The editing required is nothing major, but the story could be more concise, less wordy.

Otherwise, you're off to a great start. Enjoy your time here, where you can improve your skills in a nurturing environment, make friends, and have fun! Of course, all of my suggestions are just that. Only you, the author knows what works for your story. Please disregard any remarks that are not beneficial.

Keep up the good work! *Smile*


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1053
1053
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Phroggee Welcome to
*PoseyV*"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 's Newbie Spring Review Raid!*PoseyV*
And *BalloonY* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonY*


*PoseyV*
Overall Impression
I enjoyed reading your short piece about the trials of motherhood. My son was the type who told us the night before that a complex project was due the next morning. I remember fashioning a Native American tent out of Plaster of Paris while my 13 year old slept. I don't miss those days!

The action was easily visualized as the mom went through her various contortions to correct the mishap. The mom seemed like a caring mother with a good sense of humor. Even though nothing was stated directly, it was obvious through her actions. *Thumbsup*

*PoseyV*
Considerations
A few ideas:
I'm bad, scary bad. Explains a lot doesn't it.
I would delete this sentence and end with the one prior.

Consider ending the story with
If only I had wore my granny panties today.
And delete the last two sentences.

*PoseyV*
In closing
Thanks for sharing your talent with the community. I appreciate the opportunity to read and review your story. You're off to a great start. Keep up the good work! *Smile*


Click to go to the WDC Power Reviewers


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1054
1054
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi, Emily! Welcome to
*PoseyV*"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 's Newbie Spring Review Raid!*PoseyV*
And *BalloonY* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonY*


*PoseyV*
Overall Impression
I like your enthusiasm and vigor. It's obvious you love what you're involved in, and enjoyed sharing it with the community. I doubt many of us are familiar with Duroc pigs.

*PoseyV*
Considerations
Emily, I have to be honest. Your work needs some heavy editing. I found several misspells and grammatical errors. It's nothing that can't be fixed, and it's worth the effort. This is one example:
We use to have cattle but just my unlce dose now.
Corrected. We used to have cattle but just my uncle does now.

*PoseyV*
In closing
Your bio has not been completed and that would have helped me determine your skill level. As it stands today, the piece looks like you posted it and forgot about it. Don't be discouraged. Yes, you need to rewrite this, but it's obvious you want to write more and be successful. Your experiences and thoughts are worth sharing, so I hope to see more work from you. This is an awesome place to learn, and have fun in the process.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work! I'm sending along some gift points as an additional welcome and incentive!


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1055
1055
Review of Practice  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, Brian Xavier Welcome to
*PoseyV*"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 's Newbie Spring Review Raid!*PoseyV*
And *BalloonY* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonY*


*PoseyV*
Overall Impression
Despite the fact that you dropped his mid-sentence, I wanted to offer a few comments. The plot—a girl on the football team?—is unusual. It looks like you have an interesting character study building here.

*PoseyV*
Plot/Setting/Characters
The first few lines (the hook) are catchy and made me want to continue reading. What could possibly be in a mason jar piqued my interest. I liked the silent interaction between the girl and her mom, who really had no idea who Brenda was. Although the exploration of her character is just beginning, I doubt she's likeable.

*PoseyV*
In closing
I want to leave you with a note of encouragement. You already have a flair for fiction, having conquered several of the basics in this short piece. Why not come back and work on this a bit more? It's worth it.

My comments are yours to explore or ignore.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work. Enjoy your time on the website and keep writing!

Click to go to the WDC Power Reviewers


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1056
1056
Review of Procrastination  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Kia Welcome to
*PoseyV*"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 's Newbie Spring Review Raid!*PoseyV*
And *BalloonY* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonY*


*PoseyV*
Overall Impression
A brief discussion of a person's disappointment for his/her actions ended in a poignant, and correct, conclusion.

*PoseyV*
Emotional connection
Because of the way you worded it, I still felt compassion, despite the narrator's objections. And, of course, I have experienced the same. When I don't complete the task (like my one-hour workout) there's no one to blame but me. Sure, I have lots of excuses, but not one solid reason.

You're exactly right; tomorrow will come with another chance.

*PoseyV*
Considerations
Why not classify this as something other than "other?" *Laugh* Monologue comes to mind first.

*PoseyV*
In closing
It's best to get feelings outside of our minds, and writing gives authors the opportunity to explore. Looking back, I can identify some of the issues I'm coping with in my work. I don't know if these are your feelings. or something that just came to mind.

In a strange way, I liked the seriousness of this piece, it suits my mood today. Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work. You're off to a great start. Keep up the good work! *Smile*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1057
1057
Review of Saturn's Flight  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, lamirror Welcome to
*PoseyV*"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 's Newbie Spring Review Raid!*PoseyV*
And
*BalloonY* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonY*


*PoseyV*
Overall Impression
A most unusual and entertaining story! I can't resist kid stories and this one was a bit of a mystery until the surprising conclusion. Nicely done!

The story the father told was precious and imaginative. What a delightful treat for a child. It was poetic and romantic with a bit of sci-fi thrown in. The occasional rhyming added to the sing-song light-heartedness. I could see the "vehicle" created in the father's mind. Maybe not how one can eat a seat of cinnamon or peppermint. How do the spices make a solid seat?

*PoseyV*
Shout-outs
My favorite line was the one that began like this:
He walked from star to star

*PoseyV*
Considerations Nothing serious! *Smile*
The beginning sentence was a bit confusing.

His mother came in, wide smile and soft kisses; swooping him up in one movement,
You need a comma not a semicolon as the following phrase is not a complete sentence.

I wasn't clear about the dragon mentioned in the second sentence.

“ Where shall we go this time, said Paw -Pa with veracity?
Extra space and punctuation corrected looks like this:
“Where shall we go this time?" asked Paw -Pa with veracity?

I love you and he kissed his fore head good night.”
"I love you," and he kissed his forehead good night.”

Some he had touched and felt the splendor of [electric] go through his body;
[electricity] or [the electric pulse]

*PoseyV*
In closing
I'm guessing from the bold print that you composed this for a contest. Good for you; you're off to a great start. Keep up the good work!

My comments are meant to be helpful, but you're the author and only you know what's right for your story. Welcome to WdC and I know you will enjoy the learning experience, the friendships, and the fun. *Smile*


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1058
1058
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, 2serious Welcome to
*PoseyV*"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 's Newbie Spring Review Raid!*PoseyV*
And *BalloonY* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonY*


*PoseyV*
Overall Impression
This story was hilarious. I liked how it began with the character lamenting her condition and her disparagement of the doctor.

The contemplation of how she might get out of the stall was well done and humorous. We learned quite a bit about the woman right up front when she talked about her interview and subsequent employment. *Thumbsup*

It also gave the reader an excellent visual of who the woman is. Her inner thoughts were a treat to read, especially this one
Oh, no, this isn't like saddling up

You made good use of the prompt; the story was believable and easy to relate to, even if the reader is not familiar with the condition requiring multiple bathroom trips. I have the same fear as the character; I know someday I'll get stuck in a bathroom stall. Sometimes, I hold the door closed, rather than engage the lock.

*PoseyV*
Considerations
You might want to spell out the acronyms, not everyone one realizes FNP is a family nurse practitioner, or BMI is Body/Mass index.

*PoseyV*
In closing
I appreciate the opportunity to read and review your work. Thanks for the laugh. I know you will find working on the website enjoyable and enlightening. You already entered a contest so you're off to a great start. Keep up the good work! *Smile*


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1059
1059
Review of Barn  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h I offer this review with humility and respect. Without each other, we are no one—in the hollows of the heavens rising stars brighten.

*BulletR*
OVERALL IMPRESSION
I selected this piece to review because you won Shining Star for March 2013. Your poem is gorgeous, beautifully composed and elegant. Not a word out of place, this is a tight read that captured a moment of reverence and respect.

*BulletR* Title: Barn
Short titles can work in the author's favor because it's easy for readers to remember. Although 'Barn' is accurate and to the point, it does not reflect the romance in this poem, nor the majesty of the words. Not to be taken the wrong way, it deserves better. *Wink*

*BulletR*  Thoughts on a personal level
I've read this several times over because it reminded me of a hike in Pennsylvania, where I encountered a farm house built in the 1800's. One wall remained, and in your words you have captured my precise feelings.

*BulletR*  Accolades
The entire write is extraordinary, but I liked the last two stanzas the best. I was impressed by your word choice [girth] because it enhanced the personification.

*BulletR*  Grammar/Punctuation
I'm not a poet who can comment on the techniques of poetry, but nothing took me away from the experience.

*BulletR*  Considerations
None. *Thumbsup*

*BulletR* Lasting Impression
I came upon the farmhouse I mentioned in 2005, and because of what you wrote, I was able to revisit that house in my mind. A friend had excavated it for the fieldstone and antique bottles. I learned the ins and outs of bottle collecting and eventually became a dealer. That life has long passed away but the memories are cherished.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work. It was my pleasure.

I'm one reader among thousands. My comments are yours to ignore or explore.

Created by Of_fire_born for Rising Stars' Reviewers


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1060
1060
Review of Sunflowers  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, Jellyfish Here's a review from your Nuclear Package from "Invalid Item" 

Overall Impression
I like your forthcoming way of writing. You're not afraid to be blunt and possibly off-putting to someone who feels differently. Maybe other poets would express it more "lyrically" but your style of writing moves me and makes sense to me. I would say this was realism and your words hit hard and heavy.

Other thoughts
Once people get to know me, they're no longer surprised when I ask never to receive the gift of flowers. The thought of anything dying, especially a flower cut down, for my sake sickens me. Bring me instead, to the place where the wild flowers bloom and I'll be thrilled.

Suggestions
If you're interested in a professional presentation, you might consider regular font and color. I'm just mentioning it. If your words feel like they should be orange, then that is what's right for the piece.

Parting thoughts
One good thing; the bugs get to eat.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work. It was, as always, my pleasure.


** Image ID #1729365 Unavailable **


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1061
1061
Review of Christmas Tree  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, Jellyfish Here's a review from your Nuclear Package from "Invalid Item" 

Overall Impression
I had to read this poem after seeing the brief description. I wanted to know if anyone else had the same feelings and this piece spoke to my heart.

Oh Christmas tree
I never had a problem owning a live tree until 1983 when my sister died. She was only thirty. Ever since then, my trees are fake. Her death was a total waste and so is killing a tree for a holiday. This sounds dark, but writers don't hide from their feelings.

Emotional connection
As the first stanza indicates, choosing a tree is like a romance. One year, while living in Maine, we cut down our own tree and hauled it back amidst wet, but gentle, snowflakes. We also got lost in the forest.

I remember the first tree I bought with my new husband. It cost $5 and the picture of bringing it home to our apartment is still clear in my mind. It was the nicest tree I have ever owned.

What I noticed when I saw other people's trees in later years, was how strong the overwhelming evergreen scent became as the tree branches faded to brown, almost like the tree was in an act of defiance, a last hurrah before being dragged to the curb.

You captured all these feelings in your poem.

My favorite line *Heart*
An emerald lighthouse

Presentation
The body of the poem looks somewhat like a Christmas tree, and I liked the icons at the bottom. Nicely done. It's good to know someone else feels the same, and they are able to express it so well.


** Image ID #1729365 Unavailable **


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1062
1062
Review of Over The Ocean  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,Jellyfish Here's a review from your Nuclear Package from "Invalid Item"  gifted by A E Willcox

Overall Impression
The haunting feeling pervasive in your poem raised the small hairs on my arms. I don't write poetry, so I rarely review it, but because yours created such a strong reaction, I'm sending my thoughts.

Stanza one
I expected a poem about someone lamenting the death of a loved one, or something similar, but was quite shocked when the story began with a newborn. It's been suggested we are born with certain predispositions, as if we're hardwired to a personality aspect, two that come to mind, depression or obesity.

Stanza two
As a mother of three and a grandmother of three, my heart went out to the mother in this piece. The child has the awareness, perhaps in retrospect of the damage left in the passing. I found this to be the most desolate, and strongest stanza in the poem.

Stanza three
These lines made me feel the wanting of this soul. Knowing it should have had a home, that there was a home, but the connection was severed or never existed.

Stanza four
Here I experienced the summation of the depression, which has a life of its own, seeing the futility of the existence, of opportunities offered and forsaken, wasted.

Stanza five
This stanza continued with the same, oddly lilting rhythm, but a few things got in the way of the conclusion. Rather than [witts] did you mean [wits]? My stomach was hollow thinking about the "friend" lines. And the final two lines puzzled me. Stitches imply mending, and this seems to state the opposite.

Parting thoughts
One of the reasons I don't review poetry is the author's intentions are lost on me. Maybe I read it too literally. If this is true, forgive me.

In fiction, a person might hear the phrase "the front porch." This is a place the author creates to return the reader to a familiar aspect of the write. It's not necessarily a physical place, it can be a character too. I bet there's a phrase for it in poetry, too. Each time when I reached the last phrase in your poem, I experienced the grounding effect. No matter where the lines took me, I soon discovered it would end in the last phrase that indicated all hope was lost. The experience was chilling.

Outstanding write, far from the beaten path.

My thoughts are my own, perhaps clumsy and inexperienced, but the time spent reading and writing this review changed my mood. That's an achievement, no matter if a person "gets" poetry or not.


** Image ID #1729365 Unavailable **


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1063
1063
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Gaby ~ Finding my way back Here's a review from your Nuclear Package from "Invalid Item"  via your Secret Pal.

Overall Impression
This is an awesome collection of unique, encouraging Cnotes. I was most impressed by the title, and that's exactly what you deliver in the form of quotes.


I liked the 'never give up' note the best. It's so apropos to what I am going through now, as I continue working on the novel I began years ago. I go from feeling like its all coming together and swing back to this is a disaster, or where can the plot possibly go from here?

I liked 'thrown towel' too, as during my sweaty workout the towel is right beside me. Sometimes in the agony of exercise, thoughts come to me and the novel takes off again.

Strength was the most attractive note, and I stopped to consider all the times I have stood tall and kept myself together in the worst of situations. It's a great message!

For some reason "Shine" made me think about writing as if there would be no tomorrow, and what you are working on is the last thing people will read. It often motivates me into putting down more than words.

Parting thoughts
The 'pencil' image is perfect for this shop!


** Image ID #1729365 Unavailable **
1064
1064
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Rhyssa . This is the last review from your Solar Package. I am not a poet, so my response is strictly emotional connection.

Stanza one.
Part of living in America is the inner drive to be more and do more. Climb higher. Earn more money. It's like a disease. We're never satisfied.

Balancing our misguided intentions against nature, of course, humans will always be lacking. And yet, we blame ourselves.

Second stanza
Our sixth sense is aware guilt and grief are toxic to the soul. Again, we blame ourselves. One need only step aside and breathe. Focus. Forget the wasted emotions and find the joy in what counts. To name a few: Love, friendship, integrity, and peace.

Stanza three
More negativity. Regret again that we don't have enough drive in our souls to become more. Our belief we are slackers if we don't fit into the American dream.

Stanza four
All is not lost, if only the individual would listen to the inner message.

Stanza five
When we are in the correct mind set, it's not too much to ask of the stars, rather we commune through the majesty of creation.

Overall
I feel sorry for the individual in this peace, to waste so much time on needless negative emotions. It's easy to say 'live for the day' but accomplishing this is not simple. It takes fortitude and the ability to laugh at ourselves, and how seriously we take our individual lives.

I enjoy contemplating this piece. I was wondering why 'for love' is a stand alone sentence. Also, I cannot think beyond the boundaries of 'lust' as a negative thing. I guess that's why I'm not a poet. Keep up the good work.

My thoughts are my own for you to explore or ignore.

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1731286 by Not Available.


** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


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1065
1065
Review of A Flow of Honey  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi weeza I'm here today to offer a peer review as part of the Kiwi Challenge, but also to off an opinion-one reader's reaction.

*BulletG* Overall impression
Your story impressed me because its character, not plot, driven. Immediately, I was engaged by the feeling of Audrey's perception of a life off course. These moments often occur, but not everyone is tuned into the subtle change in the energy surrounding them.

*BulletG* Thoughts
I wanted to be pulled into the story, but the back and forth between the past and the present kept taking me out of the experience. Most of the time I was confused. The man selling crepes was Colin, but it took more than a few moments to make the connection.

Colin was presented as the husband, so the twist at the end caught me completely off guard. I had to go back and read it again. *Thumbsup*

This was one of my favorite lines. It was poetic and a clear demonstration of the plot line.
What would happen Colin if a crack in the pane appeared?

*BulletG*Editor's Desk
Years ago, introducing a story by directly stating what was happening currently and then including the foresight of what would happen is no longer favorable.

Mae was a very helpful,[] especially to her baby sister.
[person]?

And Audrey would have to agree because it was only these two little girls [that] truly understood
[who]

Audrey buzzed the buzzer on the wall
[pressed] the button would avoid having the same word in one sentence.

Track down as many passive verbs (forms of to be) and see how you can transition the sentence using active verbs.
She wasn’t sure if it was the rain, or the phone call she had just received while sitting at a Madison Ave café, that was the cause of her conflicting feelings.
For example: Was it the rain, or the phone call that caused conflicting feelings? It's always best to be specific. What were her conflicting feelings?

*BulletG* In conclusion
Sometimes words get in the way and paring down the passive verbs would tighten the read. The presentation of Mae and Audra's friendship was told, not visualized. This is most evident in paragraph 12. Showing the girl's exploits would draw the reader in. The interruption of [you see] is authorial interruption, where the author directly addresses the reader.

The back story of Audrey's experience with her brother in the hospital did not advance the plot. Because you are developing Audrey, a simplified approach would make this stronger. Rather than telling the reader about the exact experience, this is a great opportunity to show Audrey's feelings about being in a hospital. It's not as much the story of what happened; its always about the feelings, the thoughts of the character.

For instance, Audrey's past experience was gentle, whereas mine has been so negative my stomach flips just by walking through the door. If I had to explain this quickly to give the reader a chance to share my feelings, I would include [something like] "the antiseptic smell washed over me, carrying memories of my dad's endless surgeries."

The story is strong in its message about fate and how lives play out. Is everything preordained or do we have free will? Audrey grew up in a negative environment and was determined to find a positive path.

I continued reading your story despite the confusion because I cared about Audrey and the beginning [without the authorial intrusion of foreshadowing]of the story appealed to me. It's a much more intense draw if the reader discovers this when the plot unfolds, without being told in the beginning. Does that make any sense to you?


Had I not cared about your story, I would not be presenting such a lengthy review. My comments are meant to encourage, not discourage you. The thoughts are my own, delivered in the spirit of WdC, where writers help each grow. Please ignore any comments that do not help you. I apologize if I crossed a line with my suggestions; your story concept is phenomenal and editing and reediting and reediting again and again will reveal the nuggets of gold you are offering your readers. Keep up the good work!

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#1919085 by Osirantinous


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


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Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Maryann- summer travel In the spirit of WdC, where authors help one another, I'm here today to offer the *GiftB* of a review.

*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
Yet another contribution from your brilliant mind to our marvelous website that is full of promise and optimism.

*BulletB* What I liked
A unique and fun event that will appeal to all members. When are we ever afforded the opportunity to have a wish granted, with the guarantee someone will fulfill it?

Every time I have checked, "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  is the top reviewing group, and this is a great way to bring in some funds. I know this activity will be an instant hit.

I like the image at the top. I can imagine holding up a seashell, and after listening to the ocean sigh, whisper my guilty desire.

*BulletB* In conclusion
I looked at the forum and the fulfilled wishes. It's great to see members making wishes for fellow authors. You made this possible. Pat yourself on the back.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **
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Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Eli VanDyne I'm here offering the *GiftB* of reviewing in thanks for your visit to my portfolio.

*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
The story begins with a familiar scene, a man waking up in a hospital, disoriented and drugged, memory wiped. The strength of the story is found in your characters, who keep the plot moving, and the reader engaged.

*BulletB* What I liked
The story was well thought out and the plot flowed evenly, despite the need go backward to reveal what happened prior to Paul landing in the hospital.

The bar scene was real and vivid, easily pictured, because you are able to create memorable characters. The four punks act exactly like punks; there's always a ring leader. I was relieved when John was able to extricate Paul from the threatening violence.

*BulletB* Considerations
Sometimes, words get in the way, or they're too hyperbolic. Such as the description of Paul spitting out a camel.

This sentence is so lost in the verbose wording, I had to disengage from the plot to puzzle out the meaning. Never a good thing. Storytelling flows; it's not the time to impress with literary skills.
The equation behind outright bragging . . .
I know I'm stepping over the line with this suggestion, but I like the read much better without that entire paragraph, simply leaving in Paul's response to his brother's bragging. It's a quick scene that demonstrates the brothers' relationship and it's stronger if the dialogue flows.

You run into the same trouble in this sentence.
Paul on the other hand, was as blunt as a 50 year old axe, and always perspicuous.
Perspicuous is a great word, but doesn't tell the reader much about Paul. What makes him perspicuous? It's best to draw the reader in with candid remarks and examples, revealed in dialogue or showing.

In one section, this worked for you. I liked how you described David's wife taking her husband's place next to Paul.

*BulletB* In conclusion
Everyone has moments of 'what if?'
When returning to New York State after a visit to Florida, I needed to go to two grocery stores to complete my list. I could have waited. Had I waited, the man who busted down my door, leaving a giant footprint, would not have made off with some valuable, non-replaceable jewelry. The sliding doors in the living room made it obvious the robber had been forced to flee by my arrival. John's remorse was very real.

This beginning is interesting, but only the brief description intrigues me enough to feel compelled to read more.

Please forgive me if my comments are out of line. The thoughts are my own; one reader's opinion. Your work is remarkably free of errors, and that was a genuine plus. I appreciate the opportunity to read and review your story. Keep up the good work!

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


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Review of Mommy Mayhem  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi, Grace♥Leo health issues I am here today offering the *GiftB* of reviewing in thanks for your visit to my portfolio.

*ButterflyB*
Overall Impression
Having raised three kids, and now helping raise my grandsons, I took right to this piece. Who can forget the mistakes of a first mother as shown in this comical and lighthearted tale? The mistakes are devastating when we mess up, but somehow, the babies do survive.

*ButterflyB*
What I liked
The part where the mom wishes she was an octopus and how this tied into the bathing event. The thought of a positive outcome from the dunking made me laugh and appreciate the clever remark.

I wanted the nurses to come with me when I took my first daughter home. Their expertise and ease impressed and frightened me. No way could I handle a newborn with such confidence. Yes, there were a few brief classes on child care, but nothing prepares a mother for the non-Gerber baby.

I chose to breast feed and lived away from any friends or relatives. No one told me how to break the suction after the nursing period until six weeks later when my sister-in-law called me. My mom stayed with me for a few days after the birth, but not long enough for the umbilical cord to dry up, allowing the first bath. She demonstrated with a doll, but real babies are slippery and don't like the water. Washing the hair was the worst.

*Pencil*
The fine print
It's a picky point, but the sounds the baby made, although accurate, looked like too many vowels strung together.

*ButterflyB*
Closing comments
Despite this being a short story, it seemed like these experiences came from reality. Maybe they did, but Ironman coming out at the conclusion was a comical and unexpected twist. Too funny.

It's a great skill set to be able to look back and laugh at our mistakes. I remember just staring at my newborn and asking her why she was crying. Seriously, I followed all the instructions to soothe her. Either she had colic or I was a nervous wreck remains a mystery. I know the second daughter was easier. How do they survive?

I'm so happy you found your way over to my portfolio so I had the opportunity to read and review your work. It was my pleasure.

** Image ID #1921222 Unavailable **


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Review of Bleak Light  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Jellyfish I'm here today to offer a peer review-one reader's reaction, and in thanks for the item you reviewed in my portfolio. *Smile*

*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
Confining a story within 150 words is an impressive accomplishment. I was satisfied and the experience was not diluted, nearly as strong as if you had written over 1000 words. *Thumbsup*

*BulletB* What I liked
Even without emphasized character definition, I was able to connect to the couple and celebrate Jack's joy. The story was moving morosely, so the happy ending was a genuine surprise.

*BulletB* Editor's Desk
I don't have much to comment on. In the first sentence, you can eliminate the second "I" and that gives you one more word for your count.

Did you use "and I felt nothing" twice for emphasis? Because word repetition generally weakens the write. Just asking. If he felt nothing, then he felt nothing, not even numb.

*BulletB* In conclusion
Thanks for visiting my portfolio, giving me the opportunity to meet you and enjoy your work. My thoughts are my own and in no way a commentary on your skills.

Almost forgot. Great idea to choose an unusual setting!

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


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Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Elise-Saiki-Vannessa-Scarlet Thank you for requesting a review. It's my privilege to read and review your work.

*StarP*
Overall Impression
An overwhelming experience of mind, body and soul, which was a joy to read.

*StarP*
Character/Setting/Plot
The story setting is in Elise's mind, and I was instantly drawn to her and cared about her welfare. She speaks candidly with a poignant air that kept me in a state of not quite anxiety, but a sense of impending disaster.

*StarP*
Emotional Connection
The entire piece, told from first person POV, was expertly crafted. It wasn't the tragedy that made me care, although he's a bright and charming character. Rather it was her heartbreak that "broke" me.

I read this four times (the first was last night) to absorb all the emotions and progression of the plot. The last paragraph is the most moving, and the ending sentence will stay in my mind forever, because it's *oh so true,* and you have eloquently expressed the desolate feelings of loss, which is not that easy to articulate. *Thumbsup*

*Glasses*
Considerations
The beginning paragraph is vivid and compelling. The description creates both an image in my mind and a feeling. My only thought was it went on for too long and took away from the imagery.

I'm not sure how to identify the four lines that appear in between the thoughts because I've never seen this presentation before. I will call it prose. The first time this happens, I paused at the third line as light is illumination. Maybe because reviewing prose or poetry is beyond my ken; the last line made no sense to me.

In the line that begins with "We hadn't spoken for years," the side comment "hey, but who's counting" seemed extraneous to me. I connect with her pain and obsession because she's keeping precise track of the passage of time. I already know enough about the character without her offhand comment.

This phrase is commonly used
edge of my white shirt that soon turned into a blooming crimson rose
which surprised me because most of your work is original. However, the second part of the phrase stood out and made me stop and think, enthralled and imprisoned by the imagery, which "justified" the somewhat trite. I can't think of a more effective way to "show" what's happening.*Thumbsup*

It's often said that short titles, even one word, are the best because they're easy to remember. I would consider shortening it, but am hesitant to offer any suggestions. It's your choice.

*StarP*
In Closing
I read your bio and did a double-take. For an author so young, without English being your first language, able to compose a gorgeous piece like this, amazed me. Your contribution to WdC is a marvelous one.

*I am only one reader with an opinion. My thoughts are my own and not to be considered as an evaluation your skills. Keep up the good work!

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#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel


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Review of Bug Reporting  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)

*PoseyV*"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 's Spring Review Raid!


In honor of our Spring Raid, I typed "bugs" into the search box and found this. It doesn't fit the spring theme, but it's such a valuable page, I decided to review it in hopes others see it.

*PoseyV*
Overall Impression *StarG*
An unique forum for *Bug* reporting!

I'm familiar using the technical forum, so this is new to me. It's an outstanding idea! The animated image for the header had me laughing at first glance. Now, I can't keep my eyes off it.

The responses are timely, which is no surprise, because all the members benefit for the expert handling of the website.

*PoseyV*
Personal experience
I read a few of the posts and was surprised to see some of the exact issues I was having with the copy/paste. Because "dumb computer troubles are me," I decided to refrain from asking. Now I know the answer. It only bugged around for a day, maybe two, and I was relieved to see it go.

*PoseyV*
In closing
Now that I will be thrown out of the Spring Review for reviewing a non-Spring item, please remember me when I am #100 on the "most credited reviewers." Just kidding.


Click to go to the WDC Power Reviewers
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Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, catwoman and welcome to
*PoseyV*"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 's Spring Review Raid!


In the spirit of our Spring Raid, I typed "garden" into the search box and landed here.

*PoseyV*
Overall Impression
This was an unexpected pleasure to read! I'm not a butterfly person (they scare me ever since I read a Ray Bradbury story about a butterfly collection)but here, in your words and pictures, I was able to enjoy the show!

In Florida, where it seems the sun never goes away, butterflies abound. There are several butterfly encounters in my area, and I was thinking about my granddaughter's experience when I took her. She's a gentle three-year-old, nearly 4 now! and the butterflies landed on her hands, same as your experience. It's a beautiful picture, but something about all those feelers and feet continues to frighten me.

*PoseyV*
Shout-outs
If I'm afraid of butterflies, why am I complimenting your efforts and hanging around to look at the photos? Because it's a remarkable experience; an education in how to attract and raise butterflies, and a sensual delight.

*PoseyV*
Considerations
I found a few punctuation slip-ups, but nothing detracted from the presentation, although a few commas in the paragraph 5, S 2 would help. I had to read that one several times.

*PoseyV*
In closing
It's true, I am afraid, but from afar, I admire the Monarch. When I was a kid, we studied them and I was amazed to learn they actually migrate! Last summer, I found one perched on the handle of my Jeep and a feeling of awe overtook me. I was so grateful for her visit.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work. Please ignore my comments if they do not help you.


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Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, GabriellaR45 and welcome to
*PoseyV*"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 's Spring Review Raid!


I found your item by typing "garden" in the search box.

*PoseyV*
Overall Impression
What an exceptional item! The header is rich and beautiful, the concept is unique and well, brilliant!

The presentation is gorgeous; the purple font lends a feeling of unity and hope. Your words are delightful and full of enthusiasm. If only I had a garden to grow and make a contribution to the wonderful selection in the forum.

My mom always planted tulips in the back yard, and she loved showing me the bulbs that would bring spring flowers year after year. She didn't have a garden, but always had brilliant red geraniums on the front porch. It was my job to water them and I loved it. In the winter, they were moved inside, where my mom scolded them for needing water. She said they grew better when she threatened them. Oh, the memories that surface when I find a piece like yours.

*PoseyV*
Shout-outs
This is an amazing community activity.

*PoseyV*
Considerations
Here and there I noticed a few words missing a space in between them.

*PoseyV*
In closing
Gaby, everything you bring to the community is a delight. Especially you. Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work.


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Review of Seasonal Friends  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, aralls and welcome to
*PoseyV*"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 's Spring Review Raid!


I found this poem by typing "swing set" in the search box.

*PoseyV*
Overall Impression
I never can resist personification, and your poem brought me close to many of my experiences. There's something about a swing set that always say Spring! especially in the dead of winter.

*PoseyV*
Shout-outs
My favorite:
Monkey bars now poles of chill,

*PoseyV*
Considerations
In the first line, I probably read it wrong, but if the season is Fall, the next is Winter, and that's much farther away than weeks. (Considering where the swing set is waiting.)

*PoseyV*
In closing
I am into my 50's and still remember the joy of pumping my legs, daring to swing higher and higher before jumping off. Last month, when I was in Georgia with my grandchildren, I swung just the same as they did. My daughter-in-law snapped a picture with me and the kids. I'm wearing this giant, wide-open smile that defies the years.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review this; it was my pleasure. Any comments are yours to explore or ignore. Outstanding write!


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Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Lorien and welcome to
*PoseyV*"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 's Spring Review Raid!


*PoseyV*
Overall Impression
This is a gorgeous piece. In its quiet way, a woman bubbles with life experiences. In only a few sentences, you created a glorious vision in my head.

One of my dreams is to dropped off in a hamlet in Germany and learn from the natives, not by books and teachers, and I bet this woman learned fast.

I love the rhythm of words when she describes where she lived and who she lived with in the different cities. She was confident and never felt guilty about the way she grasped life, nor should she!

*PoseyV*
Shout-outs
This description really caught my eye and added texture to the story.
cruel richness of Vienna,

It was followed by a romantic and memorable sentence.

*PoseyV*
Considerations
none

*PoseyV*
In closing
I never expected to come across piece like this when I put "flowers" in the search box. Thanks so much for the opportunity to read and review your work. It was my pleasure.

Congratulations on the publication. *Wink*

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