*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/nixie9/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/44
Review Requests: OFF
3,303 Public Reviews Given
3,342 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Template most of the time, covering setting/plot/characters/conflict/resolution if applicable. For shorter works, I concentrate more on feelings evoked.
I'm good at...
Short story, chapter reviews and in-depth reviews.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, Romance, mystery, children's
Least Favorite Genres
Historical
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novel chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
essay, editorial, non-fiction, somebody's homework assignment
I will not review...
XGC, poems, prose. I am an animal activist and vegan, so cruelty or violent, unnecessary, death due to negligence is overwhelming. I am unable to review any pieces involving abuse of any kind to anyone. I like to keep my corner or the world happy, because I grew beyond my "challenges" of childhood and don't want to look back.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 40 41 42 43 -44- 45 46 47 48 49 ... Next
1076
1076
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, fyn and welcome to
*PoseyV*"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 's Spring Review Raid!


I have to remark on the perfect title for this piece. Outstanding.

*PoseyV*
Overall Impression
This was a poignant read. Even though I guessed the conclusion, I still had chills up my arms when I read the last paragraph.

*PoseyV*
Emotional reaction
As soon as the story began, I thought of my mother-in-law's mother. She had both legs amputated because of her severe diabetes. Every day her wheelchair was parked in front of the window, where she could watch the world outside. She kept her spirits high and motivated her daughter to always use her legs, and that message was passed onto me.

Rose and Jimmy led a beautiful life with good friends and love. My dad loved to tinker outside but it's too detrimental to his failing health. I thought about how much he must miss that activity. Lucky for him, he never muddied my mom's kitchen. She's not forgiving like Rose.

*PoseyV*
Considerations
Two things stood out. In the second paragraph, the experience would be warmer by skipping the first two "telling" lines, and jump right into her inner thoughts.

In the third paragraph you used past perfect when simple past would work and get rid of those annoying passive verbs.
The three ladies had had a good old time.

*PoseyV*
In closing
Although I guessed the conclusion, I did not see the final line coming at all. That's when those soft hairs on my arm rose.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work. It was my pleasure. Now, I have to blink the tears out of my eyes, thinking about my aging parents and who will die first.

You penned a lovely story, full of warmth, love, and humor. Thanks for providing such a meaningful and delightful experience.


Click to go to the WDC Power Reviewers


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1077
1077
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi, ChrisDaltro-Chasing Moonbeams I'm here today with a review in the spirit of WdC, a nurturing place to learn and grow. I found your item here;

"Invalid Item"  *Books4*

*StarV*
Overall Thoughts/Impressions
Not knowing what to expect, I dove into the story and let the experience take me. I was surprised to discover so much "philosophy" about the nature of life and death. Many thoughts expressed in this short story run similar to my own.

*StarV*
Setting/Plot/Characters
Agnes is presented as an odd character who is familiar with the "other realm." As the story progresses, I sympathized with her plight and was worried about her. She took so much on and it overwhelmed her, yet she was a compassionate soul willing to help, despite the dangers.

She actually develops a bond with Temperance, explaining her worldly woes, allowing the reader to see her back story. Agnes has several suggestions, all believable. When she begins her ceremony, I was spellbound just like Agnes and Temperance. The event is unique and supernatural; I liked the descriptions of all the tools used by Agnes and what they accomplished.

*FlagV*
Suggestions
A few things detracted from the experience. You probably have readers who prefer the bold font, but it's not a professional presentation.

Check your usage of semicolons throughout this piece. When using a semicolon, both sides must be a complete sentence. If you can substitute the word [and] a semicolon is appropriate.

Maybe it's a stylistic choice, but an em dash (formed by holding the alt key and pressing 0151) is the accepted standard, rather than two dash marks.

However, in this and other sentences, ellipses are appropriate to show hesitation in speech.
“I--I don’t know.”
"I . . . I don't know."

Agnes jumped in her armchair. Her bones seemed to melt.
Jumping and melting bones sound like to opposite actions. If her bones are melting, how can she jump? Maybe she can jump, and then her bones seem to melt.

Her smile overflowed with frustration.
This didn't work for me. I can't picture a smile of frustration. Maybe her smile faded to frustration.

*StarV*
In closing
I was totally immersed in the story of crossing over the conclusion shocked me. Grisly, but well done. *Thumbsup*

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review our work. As always, the pleasure is mine. Please ignore any comments that are not helpful.

** Image ID #1921223 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1078
1078
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Teal1355 I'm here today to offer a peer review-one reader's reaction. I found your story here:

"Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS" 

*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
The beginning of this story drew me in because I'm fascinated with the state of consciousness in relation to what we consider inanimate objects. Call me whatever, but I embraced the idea that the meteor could become self-aware. However, like the majority of humans, we are often not noticed when we make our splash.

*BulletB* What I liked
The satire threading through the plot kept me smiling. Poor fish, he had so much to offer during his "15 minutes of fame." Yes, we knew everything he had to say, but were oblivious to the miracle.

Choosing Lake Superior as the point of impact added yet another humorous slant. The magical water aspect had me shaking my head. Someone always finds a way to exploit humanity; in this story, selling bottled water that has become enchanted because the carp lived there.

*BulletB* Editor's Desk
The plot got a little fishy after it talked to the fisherman. Last we know, the fish is still trapped in the net. As soon as I read "closed its' large maw" I thought this was the place where he would bite through the net, tidying up that little detail.

The fish comes back to talk to humans, but there's no explanation. How were people able to talk to it? Maybe it's not important to the plot, but it had me wondering.

Didn't the effects of drinking the water bring on a new era of peace and goodwill, negating P 10? (The first paragraph after the dialogue ends.)

The fish was dissected, so how can he be thrown to the fishes in the end?

The side comment (wouldn't you?)took me out of the story. It felt like a shift in POV because the author is directly addressing the reader. A few other areas: (yes, talk) (and what news he heard) had the same feeling of authorial intrusion.

Perhaps consider losing the first few lines in P 9. In fiction, we make every word count. If the initial communication was boring, why mention it at all? Why tell us what George heard and dismissed, and then use dialogue to illustrate? The dialogue was snappy and funny and with a bit of tinkering would be all you needed. Maybe you'll discover you don't even need that paragraph. Keep the line about George thinking about a movie he saw. Brilliant! You can put those thoughts into the exchanges with the fish.

*BulletB* In conclusion
Your story created a unique reading experience. The plot is clever and fresh. I laughed at the conclusion, of course the man who bottled the water is rich.

Cutting back on some of your words, as suggested above, will make this a tighter read.

The bold font is affronting to me, but I bet many members send appreciation. *shrugs*

The thoughts are my own for you to explore or ignore. Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work!

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1079
1079
Review of Emergency!  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Cherokee Rose I'm here today to offer a peer review-one reader's reaction, and as a thank you for reviewing one of my stories!

*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
You did a great job writing this story. The little girl's thoughts and reactions fit perfectly. I can easily visualize her as she makes her way through the house, searching for her father.

*BulletB* What I liked
I love kids and Stacy almost felt like a daughter. Her panic was real and her chopped sentences and thoughts were age-appropriate. Stacy acted wisely for someone her age. What did we do before we could dial 911 for help?

*BulletB* Editor's Desk
Panic stricken[] she grabbed her flashlight.
It feels like a comma belongs there, but I can't think of the specific rule.

Watch out for passive verbs. They drag down the story.
he doctor had assured her he would soon be as good as ever.
You can try working in some dialogue here. Would Stacy know what a concussion meant? A doctor would probably say her daddy's head hurt.

I mentioned Stacy's thoughts being short and choppy. This can work against you if it's overdone. I was looking at P 3. Keep mixing up sentence length and variety for a solid read.

*BulletB* In conclusion
Very nicely done! Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work. It was my pleasure, and thanks again for the review!

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1080
1080
Review of My Name Is Mud  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Winnie Kay Here's a review for you because you were locked up! "Invalid Item" 

*MushroomBr*
Overall Impression
What a delight to find your story! The bright girl narrating drew me right into her life and I wanted to know everything about her.

I did not attend a Catholic school, but we had classes every week. No one used a ruler, but one did draw small brick houses on the chalk board and told us we each had our own house in hell. And, we believed her.

*MushroomBr*
Plot/Characters/Setting
The plot unfolds at a steady pace and held my interest. Sister Collette is a vivid character with enough quirks to highlight her unique self.

Later in the story we meet up with Wilma's grandfather, who thinks he knows everything. *Wink* I know the type. He tells an enchanting story that might propel me to Google the story and check out the veracity.

*FlagBr*
Considerations
Sister Collette has a warm Irish brogue, but some of her dialogue sounded more southern than foreign. I'm not Irish, though.

Picking oneself up by the bootstraps was a phrase that rang in my ears as a child. Is it of Irish heritage?

*MushroomBr*
In closing
Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work. Lucky for me you were jailed, which led me here. It was my pleasure.


** Image ID #1917132 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1081
1081
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi,Shannon! Here's a review for your Big Bang Package from "Invalid Item"  as gifted by Jeff

Overall Impression
Wow. Starting right from the image at the beginning, this story is dynamite! It kept me enthralled all the way to the conclusion. I never wanted to skip ahead or breeze over a paragraph. All the descriptions created a strong visual and brought me right into Willow's home and kitchen. You made every word count and composed a tight read. *Thumbsup*

Plot/Characters/Setting
The action takes place in the cottage depicted and all a witch's possessions complete the impression of "witchiness."

Both Penney and Willow are lovable and charming characters. I was invested in their lives, I wanted to know everything about them. *StarR*

Penney is the perfect character to ground Willow and the reader. In the beginning it's a toss up for what kind of witch Willow is. When Penney appears she's quirky and comical, calling her witch friend out for all the crazy-sounding antics. I laughed when she is jokingly-irritated by Willow's ability to feel her presence before she knocks.

The fun continues when the hyphenated words are introduced. Willow's and Penney's friendship expands as the plot progresses. Questions are raised to heighten the experience. Who is Paisley and what is the meaning behind Willow's dream?

The foreshadowing is resolved in the conclusion, with plenty of humor. The *Cat* name is fitting but comical and Penney once again plays off of Willow.

I wanted to tell Penney that men try to fix things, but she already knew it. Savvy girl!

I can draw conclusions about what a Green Witch is, but wondered if you had something specific in mind.

My favorite part was the Bellarmine Jug; Willow announces it means one thing, but uses it for another.

Suggestions
The story looked flawless to these eyes.

Parting thoughts
The conclusion is just the right cap for this witch's tale. Penney and her deadpan humor win the day.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work. It was my pleasure!


** Image ID #1729348 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1082
1082
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi ♥Hooves♥ Here's a review for you because you were locked up! "Invalid Item" 

*MushroomBr*
Overall Impression
An outstanding use of a prompt. The story reads as if you've edited it with precision for over a decade.

*MushroomBr*
Still thinking
Your story was a joy to read, original, fresh, and comical. It's a light read and the humor kept me engaged. I tried to imagine an animal friendly computer and library where the internet is reliable, rather than shaky. Surely, an engineer was a-hoove to create ergonomic furniture for animals.*Laugh*

*FlagBr*
Considerations
In P 4, the tense switch is not incorrect, but it pulled me from the story. Hooves "needs to be" but her human "liked to use."

*MushroomBr*
In closing
I continue in my efforts to figure out why everything related to your work is bovine inspired.

Thanks once again for the opportunity to read and review your work.


** Image ID #1917132 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1083
1083
Review of Fishing for peace  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, Pita. Here's a review for you because you were locked up! "Invalid Item" 

*MushroomBr*
Overall Impression
Yours is a fantastic write. The words are fresh, unique and original, making this a compelling and poignant read. The way you phrase your sentences kept me enthralled, and although I wanted the reading experience to pass as one session, I stopped here and there, pausing to think "wow."

When you mentioned a kid throwing a chip of rock at you it reminded me of my son's first tour in Iraq. My daughter put together packages for the kids, crayons, coloring books, and the like, for the soldiers to distribute. My son said it was a horrible experience. The opposite of yours. You had to withhold, at what emotional cost I cannot imagine.

The bigger kids beat up the little kids to take all the gifts and had no idea what to do with them. Such a sad moment and an education. It's hard to imagine kids baffled, or annoyed by coloring books.

Showing us your body as a map you followed, as illustrated by your scars, broke my heart.

Paragraph 5 brought to mind: Wherever you go, there you are.

When you wrote:
And at night[s] there isn't anything between me and me
I grimaced. The only respite from my mind is using "white noise" to block the fears that threaten while I fall asleep.

...cell phone that I can turn off and pretend the reception was bad
*Pthb* We're all a little nuts from always being available.

...my fishing vest with all the items that counterfeit me a fly fisherman
You have a way with words that brings me right into your head.

*FlagBr*
Considerations
P 3 like tracery, bear witness to a booby-trapped [cane].
[cave]?

Quick note: Capitalize "Peace" in the title. *Wink*

*MushroomBr*
In closing
Your story is gracefully and beautifully told. I wanted to highlight every single sentence; they were all remarkable.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work. "Fishing for Peace" will linger in my mind.

** Image ID #1917131 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1084
1084
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Silent Heart Here's a review for you because you were locked up! "Invalid Item" 

*MushroomBr*
Overall Impression
I understand English is not your first language, so let me first say how impressed I am with your bravery. I can't imagine trying to write in another language.

The message was strong and heartfelt. A woman finds an old trunk and uncovers an unknown past that now lives forever in her mind. The father's thoughts were so sweet and loving; I could imagine the woman sitting in the dust on the floor, reading and crying. Her dad was so devoted to her!

My son is in the army, but right now, injuries are keeping him from being deployed to Afghanistan. I can't imagine how hard it will be for my granddaughter when her dad has to deploy. She's a real "daddy's girl."

This line stood out to me. I like the way you phrased it.
"who is that lady..?"she had a question in her mind.

This sentence created a beautiful image in my mind.
You put [on] my cap and salute[d] me like a little soldier.

*FlagBr*
Considerations
Here's a few corrected sentences to help you learn. (I hope)
She slowly open that mystery old trunk.
She slowly opened the mysterious old trunk.

It filled with old clothes
It was filled with old clothes

The day I leave home you were come to me
The day I left home you came to me


*MushroomBr*
In closing
After reading this story, I felt closer to you. It sounds strange, but I have no other way to describe what I'm experiencing. English is a difficult language to conquer; I'm sure as you continue your work here your understanding will deepen.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work!


** Image ID #1917132 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1085
1085
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi GabriellaR45 Here's a review for you because you were locked up! "Invalid Item" 

*MushroomBr*
Overall Impression
What a remarkable experience. I began with one set of emotions, thinking the guy in this piece was an awesome man, a man of dignity and quiet power. I liked him. Until I got to the last two paragraphs.

*MushroomBr*
Still thinking
I had to turn around and read it again and again, wondering how I got so mixed up. I could see his architecture; I lived in Maine for seven years, so I related to the walking in the woods; I dated a guy who always had pencils around because he was a custom builder of sorts; I connected with it all.

I wanted to believe he was some romantic god, and in a way, he was. A sort of threatening romantic, better suited to living alone.

*FlagBr*
Considerations
Everything looked great to me.

*MushroomBr*
In closing
Yours is a character I won't be forgetting for some time to come. He's unique, fascinating, alive. I can see why you had to emphasize he was fictitious.

Great work, but you don't need me to tell you. Thanks for the chance to read and review this piece, sorry you had to be jailed for me to track you down. *Smile*


** Image ID #1917132 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1086
1086
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi KerrieAnnS I'm here today to offer a peer review-one reader's reaction,and because you were jailed!

*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
Stories like yours are impossible to resist. It's easy to get lost in a plot where a loved one is dying and following along with the grieved survivor as they travel the journey of acceptance.

You did a marvelous job doing just that! The last sentence in the first paragraph chilled me; I felt what Mrs. Lawton was experiencing.

*BulletB* What I liked
The foreshadowing in paragraph two was so subtle I nearly missed it. Well done!

*BulletB* Editor's Desk
P 2 If they had let her she would of stayed here because
Suggest: If they had let her she would of have stayed here because

*BulletB* In conclusion
I won't reveal the shocking conclusion. However, because of the way the sentence was worded and punctuated I was drawn from the story trying to decipher the meaning. I'm not sure I can reword it better, and I don't want to try in this review because it will spoil the ending. If I confused you and you want to go back and forth exchanging ideas, please email me.

My son-in-law's mother died this past April. She was only 54. The family had to make the decision to let her go, but there was no choice. Her body sustained too much damage while they attempted to continue her life. She was unconscious for at least a few hours and unaware. Wow, that's all I can write; I'm tearing up.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work. Please remember the thoughts are my own for you to explore or ignore.

** Image ID #1917131 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1087
1087
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Sum1 Is Home! Here's a review for you because you were locked up! "Invalid Item" 

*MushroomBr*
Overall Impression
I had way too much fun reading this. The brief description made me laugh because of course my first thought was Chicken Little.

*MushroomBr*
Still thinking
No indication of the characters' identity was revealed and it kept me guessing. Though it's not the famous character, Rodrik had a distinctive personality, suggested as a worrier, opposed to the chilled out Karlo.

Dying from a massive amount of water when the truth was the opposite made me think of our own impending water crisis. Will the next war be over oil or water? It's a sobering thought.

*FlagBr*
Considerations
Everything looked great!

*MushroomBr*
In closing
Your conclusion is all about perspective. Who is above barely considers the effects of their actions, although Mark had the decency to pause for a few seconds and think.

I'm compelled to discuss rocks because I have a collection of over 100, all unearthed when I lived in New York. When I moved to flat Florida, where dirt is sand, I hauled my rock friends with me and placed them around my apartment. *Laugh*

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review this. It was my pleasure.


** Image ID #1917132 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1088
1088
Review of Flashing Lights  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi drifter I'm here today to offer a peer review-one reader's reaction, and in thanks for reviewing one of my stories

*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
This was a hard story to read. Your pain is evident in your words, and I hope the incident will diminish as the years pass. It's no one's fault. It is interesting that he was not diagnosed in time and I'm wondering if you're feeling responsible? I came from a family of five siblings and my parents missed the symptoms pointing to my illness. I was well into my 40's before I started treatment, but I'm fine now, provided I keep taking my prescriptions.

I would concentrate and try to focus on the fact that your brother is in the best care possible. He's probably relieved to have control taken away and let someone else look after him. He's also most likely as happy as one can hope in those situations.

This occurred when your mom was in Florida? Does anyone know what triggered his catatonic state? Of course, you don't have to answer my question.

Disliking fighting sounds like a good thing to me and I was wondering why it created tension between you two?

*BulletB* Editor's Desk
I watched in horror as [I watched] Kurt being wheeled into an
Try something like [I watched in horror as Kurt was wheeled][while Kurt was wheeled] Whatever works for you to avoid word repetition.

*BulletB* In conclusion
The sirens might always take you to that day, but the intensity will decrease, especially if you're not blaming anyone.

Take care, and thanks for sharing this and giving me the opportunity to send you my thoughts.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1089
1089
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi Lana Here's a review for you because you were locked up! "Invalid Item" 

*MushroomBr*
Overall Impression
This was an unexpected story. A total plot of misdirection that shocked me when I reached the conclusion.

*MushroomBr*
Still thinking
The red head was over the top, acting crazy with no explanation. Why wouldn't she give up her ticket? Just a lot of noise and threats. A few head bangs. She pointed a gun at a baby and hit a pregnant woman. It made me wonder what kind of person is capable of doing that? A psychologically damaged one?

I'm not sure why the blind guy was in the story, maybe an incidental character to fill the ranks of passengers.

*FlagBr*
Considerations
I would choose one verb tense and stick with it.

“Fine Lady. But no funny business.” He said dropping her with a relieved sigh.
“Fine[,] Lady. But no funny business[,]” he said, dropping her with a relieved sigh.

You can look for other instances when a comma suffices and the [she] or [he] doing the action is not capitalized.

while the people in the [isle] fell into each other,
aisle

In the interest of limiting copy/pasting, you can include action and dialogue from the same character in one paragraph.

*MushroomBr*
In closing
The red-head was the one doing all the purse slinging and head banging. I'm trying not to give away the conclusion, but did wonder how the guy achieved what he did. Maybe you were limited by a word count and it's up to the reader to fill in the blanks, and that's not a bad thing at all.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work!
** Image ID #1917132 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1090
1090
Review of A Final Wish  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Lana Here's a review for you because you were locked up! "Invalid Item" 

*MushroomBr*
Overall Impression
The opening scene is mournful and engaging. Most of us have been to funerals, and you described it perfectly. I remember my sister's funeral, when everyone threw a rose on her coffin. It sickened me, knowing the rose would die from lack of water. I doubt my sister appreciated it.

*MushroomBr*
One of my favorite lines because it was unexpected and unique.
Her solemn and melancholy demeanor only emphasized her inner beauty.

The switch in the narrative threw me off completely, I had no idea what it meant and I was torn from the reading experience. It wasn't long before everything clicked. *Thumbsup*

I liked the way you found other ways of expressing tears.
liquid pain
tears were gleaming pearls swimming down

The conclusion is poignant. The grandfather was able to relive his moment, but Maria would not remember. I almost cried when I finished reading.

*FlagBr*
Considerations
Another minute and I can open the door[.] He thought anxiously fidgeting with the doorknob
I would suggest a comma rather than a period after [door], and not capitalizing [he]. Also, a comma after [anxiously] before the participle phrase.

*MushroomBr*
In closing
Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work. The pleasure was mine.


** Image ID #1917132 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1091
1091
Review of A Laughing Matter  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Write-fully Loti I'm here today to offer a return peer review-one reader's reaction because you reviewed a story of mine.

*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
Right away, I knew your story would be excellent. From the first sentence, I was drawn into the clumsy behavior, possibly because I'm rather animated when I talk and on frequent occasions have knocked over a drink or two. *Blush* I have spilled my purse contents in public, have tripped while walking, and although my feet are small, I quite often drift into the person walking next to me. It's a matter of balance. But even I can't keep up with Ginger's mishaps.

*BulletB* What I liked
I liked the title because we always say "It's no laughing matter," and it caught my attention.

Your descriptions were just enough to set the scene and help visualize the action. *Thumbsup*

I laughed when I read the comment Ginger's friend made when she was looking in the window of the Army Surplus Store.

The plot is comical and unique, which piqued my interest. You threw a corkscrew into the plot when Ginger's friend noticed a man following her while she was following Ginger.

This was my favorite Ginger mishap. *Heart*
The statue of the dolphin unsympathetically spewed water ...

*BulletB* Editor's Desk
I noticed the park fountain too late to warn her and [] camera went flying
[the]

*BulletB* In conclusion
Ginger, through her quirks as often happens, found the perfect man to accompany her. I wonder if she'll take on the same profession?

Thanks for the chance to read and review this. It was a delightful experience. *Smile*

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1092
1092
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Ida_Matilda_Wright Help I'm here today to offer a return peer review-one reader's reaction.

*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
A quick story that leaves the reader guessing until the end. When you wrote the part about the wind it reminded me of the house where I grew up. It was always making noises at night and my dad would tell us it was just the house settling in on its foundation. It never soothed me.

*BulletB* What I liked
I like kids. They draw all the wrong conclusions based on the limited knowledge they have. Why do kids believe in monsters? I've often wondered. Since kids don't understand adult relationships, their conclusion was believable.

*BulletB* Editor's Desk
This piece was written and never edited, so maybe you're not interested in working the story. I've included a few editing remarks.

P 1 music of the breaze blowing
breeze

P 2 Noe the winds seemed
Now the winds?

P 4 move[d] [franticaly] creating waves up the side of the canvas.
moving frantically, creating waves up the side of the canvas

P 5 as I wondered if we were next on the [menue.]
menu

P 6 Mom had gotten [quite,] and only the [krickets]
[quiet] [crickets]

P 7 the tent of [certian] of our fears.
certain

P 9 but Mom could never [uderstand]
[understand]

I would suggest leaving out the word [too] in the last sentence. Had you not used the word [even], [too] would have been appropriate.

I don't know why you included word count details at the top. The information is for you, not the reader. *Wink*

*BulletB* In conclusion
I encourage you to return to this piece and work on the editing. We all want our best work out there.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work. Keep writing!

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1093
1093
Review of Ariadne  
for entry "Prologue" 
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi cvwriter - school be crazy Here's a review for you because you were locked up! "Invalid Item" 

*MushroomBr*
Overall Impression
I'm sorry you haven't been back in a while to work on this story. It was a light and fun read; a good introduction to the chapters. It's a little trite because of the father/daughter/old friend trio and the remarks about her growing up, but if it works, it works. I'm sure it's an important aspect to the story, but something more original would increase my interest. If that makes any sense.

*MushroomBr*
Still thinking
You have a pleasant writing style that moves the plot along through character development. I liked Michelle's two cents; she's not picky about her waffles, and after that one brief declaration she returns to work mode.

I like hearing the story from Charlie's POV, but assume it will switch when the mountain hike begins. You have an elegant way of adding spice and background to your characters. The story is still running with the "Charlie knew Ariadne way back when" but it gets the job done.

If I knew more about Charlie, the ending might have been stronger. As it is now, there's not much to it. Nothing we haven't already heard in countless other stories and real life situations. Maybe a quick example of Michelle's anger would heighten interest.

*FlagBr*
Considerations
I didn't find any issues.

*MushroomBr*
In closing
This review may sound a little rough, but there's nothing wrong with what you've written. I'm just longing for more. I sense you're holding back, not giving this your full attention, but I'm usually wrong.

Remember to ignore any comments that don't make sense or help you in some way. It was my privilege to read and review this piece; I like meeting new authors. Sorry you had to go to jail, though.

** Image ID #1917131 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1094
1094
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi ♥Hooves♥ Here's a review for you because you were locked up! "Invalid Item" 

*MushroomBr*
Overall Impression
This wasn't an easy piece to read because I always skip to the end and read the conclusion to decide if I want to read the story. My son is in the army and has done two tours in Iraq. It's a weird world; his injuries are keeping him from deploying to Afghanistan for hopefully the next two years. That's about me.

*MushroomBr*
Still thinking
Your story is bare bones, just the right amount of words and visuals to tell this sad tale. I felt like the young girl on the bike, so proud to be in New York. It is the place to be. She was so happy, but I knew what was coming.

It's not a morbid piece. The girl who lives on in another way than we know is compassionate. Her dreams were annihilated, but she worries about the people who love her. They located her by finding her briefcase, an object she treasured and that promised so much.

It's hard to comprehend that someone you knew was there. Someone from WdC was there and died.

At least the young woman in the story died with a gorgeous vista in her mind and she's keeping it there. It's a small comfort, but what is most important is often the least.

*FlagBr*
Considerations
I found no errors.

*MushroomBr*
In closing
Thanks for writing this. I'm a combination of sad and happy that I discovered it. I guess I want you to know I was here and connected with this piece.

** Image ID #1917131 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1095
1095
Review of Lest We Forget  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Iva Lilly Durham Here's a review from your Nuclear Package from "Invalid Item" 

Overall Impression
This story takes place on a fictional planet, but I doubt I'm the only one who worries that we are using up the earth's resources at a rate so wasteful the planet will not recover.

Plot/Characters/Setting
The plot is focused on Tavnor who is frustrated and possibly not being fair when he expects his children to worship as he does. Spirituality is the most personal aspect of inner psyche. It's not something that can be taught, and certainly not something to be forced on someone. Tavnor had to accept this.

He mentions that he understands why his children do not want to follow his line of work. Is he referring to his tending of the soil as indicated in the beginning?

I watched a Star Trek episode with a similar theme, so you're in good company!

Suggestions
I had no problem following your story without reading the notes at the end. If enough people comment the same, you might consider removing them. *Smile*

Parting thoughts
Tavnor led a rather mundane life, other than his firm belief in Urgod which kept him centered. He would be happy to know Urgod loved him so much he created a memorial.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your story. Keep up the good work!


** Image ID #1729365 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1096
1096
Review of The Ride  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi lochinver Here's a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" as gifted by Noyoki

*Lightning*
Overall Impression
In the conclusion, you asked the reader if they felt something was missing. The best I can relate is I felt distanced from the story. Think of this as the famous "show don't tell." In this piece, you're telling me what happened.

Dialogue always gets me into the mood for story-telling. I get inside my characters' heads and discover what they want to say. How do the girl's friends talk to her? Rather than:
There were times when they fought bitterly and times when they laughed uncontrollably.
Give us a few examples of the two girls in these situations. Show me the girl sitting outside the gates.

The story is also distancing because you're writing it from a distance. We're in an anonymous narrator's head, trying desperately to engage. It's a beautiful story, and although it would not fit my life, I enjoyed reading about yours.

*Lightning*
Thoughts
Paragraph 4 caught my attention. It's a spot-on observation. Highs and lows are natural parts of our lives.

*Right* I noticed in both pieces I read you use exclamation marks, which are not widely seen. The exclamation should be through the character, not the narrator. Does that make sense?

*Lightning*
Parting Comments
Please remember I'm only one reader with one opinion. Someone else might see this completely differently, so if my comments throw you off, feel free to ignore me. This is my best shot at answering your question.

I appreciate the opportunity to read and review your work!

** Image ID #1729357 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1097
1097
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi lochinver Here's a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" as gifted by Noyoki

*Lightning*
Overall Impression
A poignant story of love and disaster that culminated in a heart-rendering but uplifting poem.

The character development and family dynamics were quite solid considering the length of the story. The unusual names gave me an impression of non-American, and the fact Aarti lived with Amma also made a statement. Amma so dedicated to her faith, Sachin is endearing after reading his cake-baking attempts.

It was interesting when we learned Aarti's father had forbidden the use of a scooter. But in the next sentence, the in-laws object? Maybe I misread it.

This sentence stood out and set the mood for the piece.
like an alarm clock that rings time and again only to resound the grim reality of your present.

*Lightning*
Thoughts
From the beginning, the reader assumes Aarti is in a hospital, but later, it is revealed she is in the same hospital as her husband, so she must be in Hospice?

*Pencil*
Considerations
P 4 like neurotic spasms
[neurotic] didn't work for me because the definition is "mentally maladjusted."

P 15
I would check the verb tense shifts in this paragraph. The beginning is in the past tense, then shifts to present. I think you're trying to bring her into present tense as she thinks of his wasted body, but it confused me. The trouble might have stemmed from this sentence that I misinterpreted. It sounds like he died.
And finally came surrender, to the twisted game of fate.
no comma

How she wished that all the cells of his body somehow recuperate
How she wished that all the cells of his body [had]somehow recuperate[d] or [could] somehow recuperate.

It was as such deserted.
It was deserted?

P 15 Your husband’s doing pretty well today[.”,] and walked out.
Respecting regional standards, correct punctuation English Standard is: All punctuation inside quotes and only a comma or a period, not both. You can check for the same error in other places. *Wink*
....Your husband’s doing pretty well today," and walked out.

Watch out for word spacing, especially before and after "Amma"
Four rings but no answer.Amma was probably ...

*Lightning*
Parting Comments
Death doesn't care who it drags down. Love, money, age, Death never discriminates, and although some deaths are a relief due to illness, all loss of life is beyond painful.

Aarti and Sachin are such a wonderful couple. They're both warm and loving; they have a love many envy. Aarti and her husband go through some of the stages before acceptance. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, although not necessarily in that order. What I experienced so far through Aarti was heartbreak and denial as she tries to deal with her husband's illness.

Great job with this story. The characters, plot and setting created a place in my mind where I shared the experience. *Thumbsup*

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review this piece. The thoughts are my own for you to explore or ignore. If I misread something, I apologize.

Keep up the good work!

** Image ID #1729357 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1098
1098
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Scarlet Syn I'm here today to offer a courtesy return peer review-one reader's reaction.

*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
Your story of decline saddened me. For a strong woman who was loved to slip into the cracks is heartbreaking. She asks the questions that burden most of us when something we counted on slips away. Was it gradual or sudden? When she sensed the intimacy dissipating, she tried different tactics to rekindle the romance, but nothing worked.

Did she stop caring for her appearance? Gray hair showed the slow progression of the decline, but it passed by unnoticed until a door was slammed in her face.

*BulletB* Emotional attachment
I experienced something similar in that I allowed the man I fell in love with to overshadow me. His personality was dynamic and compelling, and I responded by always running on high emotions, determined to look past obvious signs of trouble in his personality. A few months before the break-up, I saw a picture of the two of us sitting together. I was curled into a tight ball at his side; the image barely looked like me. I sacrificed too much, let my self-esteem slide.

*BulletB* Editor's Desk
Writing first person is challenging, because the author has to be aware of how many sentences begin with "I" followed by the verb.

We don't have to include every small detail of the character's movements. Rather than describe all the movements for her to board the train, or get into her apartment, you only need a few sentences.

In paragraph nine, you veer away from the over usage of "I," and the story has a greater pull on my interest. You can look there for inspiration.

*BulletB* In conclusion
The final paragraph is a bit repetitive. Her image in the shattered mirror remains unchanged, but it was overstated. I get what you're trying to say, but you can accomplish it with less words, which will create a stronger read.

You have enough to work with; a bit more revising and editing is all you need to tighten the plot.

Please remember, the thoughts are my own for you to explore or ignore. Only you know what's right for your story. Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work. It was my pleasure.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1099
1099
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi deannrich Here's a review for you because you were locked up! "Invalid Item" 

*MushroomG*
Overall Impression
The professional look on this page jumps out and catches the eye. The image makes me think "Wow! wish I wrote poetry."

The instructions and directions are clear and written in a welcoming tone. Prizes are generous and include merit badges for best poem of the week.

*MushroomG*
What struck me
The content under the heading "Judging." The first one is a surprise. It's possible to win a merit badge based on one poem? What an opportunity!

The second criteria is critical because many contests allow editing up to the time of judging. Since you'll be looking throughout the week, the entrants need their first effort to be the best.

The third rule even I can understand. I can count and possibly have a few rhyming schemes in my mind.

The fourth criteria simply sounds poetic of its own accord. Context, texture, and clarity.

The fifth: I've only an idea of what a ceasuras or enjambments are, I'm guessing planned stops and starts. Punctuation can make or break a piece. The only fast rule I know is that it must be consistent. Some are written with no punctuation at all.

I feel as if I had a crash course in writing poetry.  *Smile*

*MushroomG*
In closing
Your activity is a great addition to the community!


** Image ID #1854444 Unavailable **
1100
1100
Review of Moments in Time  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi kiyasama Here's a review for you because you were locked up! "Invalid Item" 

*MushroomG*
Overall Impression
A single mom, a sullen son, and a deadbeat dad. Hmm. Unfortunately, something I can relate to.

I like the way this starts off. In the first sentence, she's talking about her son, but he's clearly not the person sitting across from her. Carl is the ideal name for a loser dad. And, he eats steak and grits? Yuck.

*MushroomG*
Still thinking
All your characters are personable and they're the "guy on the street," easily visualized. I ground my teeth while Melissa made the plea for her son's sake. She must realize he's better off without the dad, but I understand her need. And wouldn't it be great if he decided to take care of his son monetarily-wise? He should be at least paying child support, if not alimony.

I cringed when my ex used a different version of my name, like Carl does to Melissa. Is it something dumb, loser dads do? After the divorce, one consolation: I no longer was tortured by the name. The inclusion of these small, quirky details enrich your stories.

*MushroomG*
Considerations
the hot tears that fill my eyes [and] begin to trail down my cheeks.
It makes more sense as [the hot tears fill my eyes and begin to trail down my cheeks,] or
[the hot tears that fill my eyes begin to trail down my cheeks]

I began to hate and resent him and I think I took it out on you too, [m]om.
Mom

*MushroomG*
In closing
I was thrilled Norm confronted his dad. I wish my son had. Instead, he reached out to him; the only one of my three children who communicate with him. It took awhile to rise above the feeling of betrayal, but really, it makes no difference anymore. The man has nothing. He got what he deserved. If he and my son talk every once in awhile, I'm happy for both of them. One bit of triumph. My son finally sees the ex for who he is.

As always, your stories bring out something in my life, not that all the memories are happy. It's my pleasure to enjoy another of your stories.


** Image ID #1854444 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1,324 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 53 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/nixie9/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/44