Nixie's (nixie9) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

3,300 Public Reviews Given

3,339 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

Template most of the time, covering setting/plot/characters/conflict/resolution if applicable. For shorter works, I concentrate more on feelings evoked.

I'm good at...

Short story, chapter reviews and in-depth reviews.

Favorite Genres

Sci-fi, Romance, mystery, children's

Least Favorite Genres

Historical

Favorite Item Types

Short stories, novel chapters

Least Favorite Item Types

essay, editorial, non-fiction, somebody's homework assignment

I will not review...

XGC, poems, prose. I am an animal activist and vegan, so cruelty or violent, unnecessary, death due to negligence is overwhelming. I am unable to review any pieces involving abuse of any kind to anyone. I like to keep my corner or the world happy, because I grew beyond my "challenges" of childhood and don't want to look back.

901

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3937628

Review of Writing for Young Children

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Surprise!
HAPPY 8th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
"Anniversary Reviews"

Overall Impression
This is precisely what I've been looking for. A general guideline for children's stories. I grew up with parents who read and now have three adult children who are avid readers and passing the gift to their children. Ah, an author's dream.

Thoughts
Nothing about good writing is easy. It's rough choosing a place to start. With adult fiction, I begin with a character and let them tell the story. I've been thinking along the lines of animals as main characters, but that's me considering writing for preschoolers.

Writing for a child under eight. First person feels natural. How to find a problem that a child would need to solve? I will have to bring up my memories of raising my kids. Their favorites were always the ones I found in the folktale section of the library, stories from other cultures.

I'm thinking out loud while considering your points. Definitely the story should be enjoyable for the adult. As to vocabulary. I always chose books with a few new words to expand their minds, but having a guideline for how many words is valuable.

Point #12. I never forget children have emotions. Helping them label those emotions is important.

Point #16 Names. I'm not very interested in a book with Bob and Sue, but names can still be interesting, right? Just not too hard to pronounce or too odd for reader identification. Name popularity changes so swiftly. While Jason may be a prominent name for ten years, will it still be in twenty or thirty?

I never thought about the author having no control over the art work. Good point.

In closing
I haven't actually tried to write a children's book yet, I'm gathering tools and letting ideas percolate. I appreciate you offering your insights.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

902

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14 days may be credited.

#3937615

Review of Old One Ear

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Surprise!
HAPPY 10th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
"Anniversary Reviews"

Overall Impression
What more can I ask for? A cat-love story professionally composed and clever. The story had a gentle humor, maybe some would be loudly laughing, but I don't want to be disrespectful to any cat.

Thoughts
Of course your story parallels a human life, so I won't point out all the instances. But I did particularly like the part about her empty-headed gestures of kindliness toward the unfortunate. Activities where her paws were never dirtied.

I fell in love with that journal, darn it. I could feel the grey silk beneath my fingers. What's more glamorous than grey silk on a journal. I wasn't sure about writing on the black pages, though.

You surprised me by not capitalizing on the pauper's grave (pawper's grave). Maybe you decided the pronunciation was enough to fit in with the theme.

In closing
It's only fitting that the author ended up as the historian. Did she remain an old widow cat, or did she find a mate able to meet her high standards?

You penned a lovely story that left me smiling and feeling slightly less angry with Porsche, my black rescued cat who likes to sleep on my pretty, white Christmas tablecloth and let her fur float around before adhering to my PC screen.

** Image ID #1874243 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

903

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14 days may be credited.

#3937402

Review of Our Poor Mailbox

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Surprise, Pico!

HAPPY 13th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Overall Impression
To answer your question. No, I can't think of a sadder mailbox story. Your mailbox had a charming personality, happy to serve. Your family charmed me because you "forgave the mailbox for announcing your debt."

Thoughts/Impressions
Heartless plow driver and politicians clearly didn't appreciate the mailboxes with human qualities. They're probably the same men who collect the trash and think nothing of smashing an innocent can.

I don't understand why the ditches had to be plowed. Using it as the last sentence in the third paragraph was effective because I was already angry and to learn the plowing was unnecessary sent me over the top.

When I lived in Maine, the mail courier left a note refusing to deliver mail until we properly shoveled out our driveway. I was married to a man who was less than he might have been. The job fell to me when I was four months into my second pregnancy. No harm came to the child.

In closing
Not even the post lived on. Truly, a tragic and unique mail box story.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

904

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14 days may be credited.

#3937386

Review of The Queen of the Cashew Tree

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi,Creek!

HAPPY 3rd! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Overall Impression
This is remarkable work for an author whose first language is not English. I'm asking many questions because you can see the difference between my perceptions and what you intended.

From the first paragraph, I latched on to the child because of her compassion, and I was sad for the gorgeous butterfly. Establishing character identification with the reader is essential and you accomplished it in short order.

Thoughts/Impressions
I enjoyed seeing the story through another person's cultural influence. I learned to be angry with the grandfather because he was selfish and kept money to indulge himself. However, the girl benefits on Sundays as well, so the grandfather has a redeeming quality.

he would give her a fifty cent or one rupee coin which allowed her to wallow in a bag of toffees.
Wallow is an outstanding verb choice and created a strong image in my mind, making me smile.

She missed her mother’s warmth and smell of her hair,
This was a tender moment. Your words made me feel the depth of the girl's loneliness in the absence of her mother.

As I read, I was anxious to learn why the girl had been separated from her family, which distracted me from the story. Consider letting your reader know up front what has happened. I thought maybe she was sent to her grandparents to relieve the parent's financial burden. That proved false because the father gave money to provide for his daughter.

We learned the girl's desires differed from her father's plans. Was she sent to live with her grandparents because the schooling he wanted her to have was only available in that area?

She's a wise child, frustrated because her father cannot understand love is more precious than material comforts. She so easily forgives him, making her even more endearing to me.

I had to laugh because she considers studying to be a doctor boring. A good idea would be to include her age. A child in their late teens might appreciate the opportunity to attain a medical degree. Doctors make a lot of money in the states.

Click here
Fine tuning ▼

In closing
The conclusion was heartwarming and made me love the child even more. The cashew tree was her throne, and you created that image with your words. Good job.

I'm sure every reader is appreciative of your explanations offered below the story. I read your biography and would never lower a rating because English is not your first language. That would mean knocking you down when you're trying to learn by being brave and getting your stories out there.

Keep up the good work! Authors who write from their cultural experiences help educate those who live elsewhere.

I enjoyed my time spent reading and thinking about your story.

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905

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14 days may be credited.

#3936952

Review of Conquering Dragons

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi, Ken!

HAPPY 5th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Overall Impression
I amazed by what you see in a picture and how easily you put it into words. (seemingly, maybe it's a struggle) You infuse your characters with strong personalities, and in this case, lend a hand to a character with a mental issue.

Thoughts/Impressions
I'm more accustomed to your writing, so you can't catch me off guard as much. Probably everyone guessed the conclusion, and here I am, feeling triumphant.

I don't appreciate it when you make my eyes tear up with your tender relationships.

You made me feel that mountain, every hand-hold and outcropping. I think I fell in love with Frank when he told his brother to listen. The mountain talks. Now, maybe that's a bit of fanciful, clever writing on your part, but trust me, coming from a person who has over 100 rocks in a collection, they talk.

The expression of death after death is a favorite theme of mine. Although I kill them off, none of my characters ever go away forever, as this has been my real life experience. The dead are no more silent than the rocks. Or trees.

In closing
Thanks for lending a smile today and a chance to share some quirky thoughts. When the men in the white coats come to take me away, my question will be "What took you so long?"

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

906

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14 days may be credited.

#3936939

Review of Flash Fiction Entries

for entry "The Penny"

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Surprise!
Hi, Connie. It's always a happy day when I pop over here.

HAPPY 5th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Overall Impression
I just noticed you have twenty-two reviews for this piece. I look for items less reviewed, but I couldn't let this one go after reading. I'm a real pushover for any stories involving children, but this one had an additional aspect that clicked.

That something special
A few years ago, I was an antique bottle dealer and the way you described Bill's reaction to the coins mirrored my enthusiasm for bottle hunting. There's so much involved in the pursuit, and some of the bottles are worth tens of thousands of dollars. More than the coin in this story. Ah, the heady world of collecting is irresistible, until the money runs out.

I liked the irony of Willie whining about coins and Bill finding one worth so much. So, who gets to keep it? I hope Bill can claim at least a finder's fee, because I don't like people who ignore kids.

In closing
You have just the right touch of setting here for the characters to play around in. It's amazing how you create defining qualities with so few words.

It's been great to hang around in here for a while. Thanks for the witty read. Reviewing it was my pleasure.

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907

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14 days may be credited.

#3936758

Review of How My Father Fought

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi. I'm here with a review for Diane

's monthly ROAK challenge.

OVERALL IMPRESSION
A strong first paragraph leads the way to a compelling tribute.

Looking closer
Physical therapy often works after an injury, but not always. Your grandfather would have been a gift for society with his unique approach.

WW2 has been turned into romance, but the reality is cold and shattering. Joining the military "made men from boys" and I can imagine how difficult staying behind was. Leading the battle at Iwo Jima in WW2, the enemy shot my dad in the back but he completed his mission.

My son served two tours in Iraq, but his injuries are too severe for him to return. He's working as a Staff Sargent, helping rehabilitate wounded soldiers. Not being on the front is a struggle for him, so your dad's feelings mirror my son's.

I felt vindicated when your dad taught that officer a lesson in labeling people.

Click here:
Fine Tuning ▼

IN CLOSING
Before reading your tribute, I knew little about the Merchant Marines. How horrible it must have been to leave a disabled ship behind.

Your dad was a hero who changed the world, and this story is a nearly flawless accounting of his life. It was organized logically and the presentation was professional.

It was my honor to read and review your work.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

908

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3936424

Review of "Retribution"

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi there!

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

Overall Impression
Your story about a wacky psychiatrist kept my eyes glued to the page. Mostly I was confused as the doctor, but curious to see where the story was going.

Setting
Quickly established with rich details. For some odd reason, I liked the part about the light switching on when patients entered the room.

Characters
Dr. Scott
From the beginning, I disliked the doctor and deep down hoped for retribution. Even if a person doesn't object to experiments on mice, everyone will effectively despise the woman because of the cruelty.

The two patients
Each patient had a distinctive personality. First Ellen, with a southern drawl. You did a marvelous job contrasting what the doctor recalls with what she's seeing.

Miss Frederickson appears, voicing a realistic fear, if the patient was paranoid. Her psychiatrist might be playing mind games with her. It also makes sense because she's a teenager and has learned through experience not all psychiatrists can be trusted.

I was a little confused about Dr. Scott and her fear of what was in the teenager's purse, possibly a pea-gun or knife. In the conclusion, it's was one of the sensations she was experiencing in real life?

Plot
You have an unusual approach for the plot. It's sort of third person pumped up. A person viewing and remarking upon what's happening in the story.

Digging deeper
I would never wish a day like this for anyone, and I felt like I was in a crazy person's head. Once you began describing the doctor's first experiences of emotion and pain, my mind started speculating and I guessed the conclusion. Not the exact one, of course. Throwing aliens into the plot surprised me. I had to Google "John Gage" to understand the reference. Maybe pick a more widely-known character, like Robert Redford? Or am I the only one who is clueless?

What was the purpose of the drug testing? What were the drugs meant to cure, or alleviate? The reader saw only the side effects. Why did the aliens choose a psychiatrist?

Click here
Considerations ▼

In closing
See how far your story drew me in? You kept me in a state of suspense throughout, but I sensed it was okay to be confused. It was your precise intention. The tragic conclusion was a relief.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your story.

Keep on Writing until the world stops, and then begin again.

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909

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14 days may be credited.

#3936394

Review of Beautiful Hunter

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi there!

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

Overall Impression
Based on the first sentence, or the first few paragraphs, a reader decides to stay or pass by without comment. Basic mechanics count. Polish up that first and second paragraph to entice more readers. Suggestions are below

The plot unfolds
On the first read, it wasn't clear the woman? was imagining this scene, but keeping in mind the prompt, it sort of works.

Once I'm past my confusion, the fun begins. You took me on quite a visual romp. The homeless man describes the first girl as a blondie, and that worked like a charm to define a bit of his character. [Smelt] means to fuse or melt a metal. I think he [smelled] her cheap perfume.

I wish the redheaded one was not revealed as bald, because that makes me think of chemotherapy and radiation, not comical at all.

You hit your stride in paragraph four, and I was happy I kept reading, despite the difficulties encountered.

The conclusion was clever and quirky, pulling together all the story's aspects. (I'm still smiling.)

Click here
Considerations ▼

In closing
Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work. You have a sparkling sense of humor that delighted me.

Keep on Writing!

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910

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14 days may be credited.

#3936335

Review of Powers of Thought, Where Could You Go?

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi there!

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

Overall Impression
I was drawn in by the title and brief description. Your story caught me quite by surprise and I enjoyed reading it.

Setting/Plot/Characters
Characters
I was startled by how quickly I connected with your quirky character. I've had similar musings, thinking the sky is only a reflection of the water and what does that mean? I've never thought about the clouds.

What I have learned, scientifically, which sometimes spoils the magic, is our brains adapted the ability to see color so we could interpret our world.

The plot thickens
I continued reading until I came to her comment about laying on the earth. That was something new for me! The idea of the ground sensing a human presence never crossed my mind.

She's referencing gravity, as she wonders why she's not airborne. I read this crazy alternate theory that stated we only experience gravity because we believe what's beneath us is solid.

Startling discovery
Last night, I had a recurring dream, one where I begin bouncing off my feet until I'm nearly flying, only no one sees me. The similarities with this story are almost creepy.

A dose of reality
Of course, I didn't want the narrator to fall from the sky and break a bone, but it added a necessary touch of reality. The appearance and description of the mother (polished nails lacing her face)

came at the opportune moment.You might consider using dialogue in this section. Letting the reader hear the mother calling out.

What would have happened if the mother didn't see her? Was the character earth-bound only when being observed?

Naming your character is always a good idea. Throughout my review, I reviewed to the narrator as "her" when you may have been writing about "him."

In closing
Discovering one is different from others can be terrifying or liberating. The character is only a young girl, I wonder what will happen next? Will her family accept her?

Thanks for the contemplative read. Keep on writing!

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

911

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3936091

Review of The Phantom Jogger

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi there!

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

I found your name posted at
"Newbie Help And Support Review Central"

Overall Impression
You have an easy writing style that puts the reader right into the story.

Plot
Since you're describing a one time, brief event, adding in some 'cop humor' and details about what cops do helped strengthen the story.

To your advantage
You clearly have a trained eye. I had to re-read the section where you and your partner effectively penned in the apparition. Once I began to follow your logic, everything fell into place. Because you're so adept making astute observations, I bet your fiction stories will be rich with unique characters.

What you see
You added the detail of lilac bushes, something I've never read anywhere. Now, maybe you're thinking 'what's so special about that?' but trust me, when you include these little details in a fiction piece, the story comes alive.

What keeps me thinking?
I'm trying to picture 'a wall lined with glass bricks.' The description stood out as unusual and fascinating. What building would have glass-bricked walls? It could be linked with a hospital I suppose. I prefer the mystery.

Something to consider
The conclusion added little to the story, unless the time period of twenty-five years later is significant. Had you been revisiting the scene constantly during those years, you could have closed with that. Otherwise, your recounting gained nothing by adding the footnote.

In closing
Is this the only strange encounter you'll disclose, and only because you had a witness? You made your point, so maybe you can work other inexplicable experiences into fiction. With your background, and clear story-telling abilities, you'll be an impressive author.

Keep on writing!

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

912

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14 days may be credited.

#3936037

Review of untitled (at the moment)

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi there!

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

I found this piece posted at
"Newbie Help And Support Review Central"

Overall Impression
You wanted comments on developing your style. Judging from this short piece, your style is accomplished, flows smoothly, and your knowledge of story craft impressed me.

Setting/Plot/Characters
The setting was quickly established and mood set as glum or backstreet by word choice and description.

A slight brush stroke to test your writing skills created an active plot that engrossed me.

Characters were distinguished by dialect cleverly written. It was clear enough to understand, but unusual enough to give the story a non-human or off-planet feeling.

The introduction of currency added to this feeling, and you've already established some defining parameters for your story world.

I can't reach through virtual space, so go ahead and pat yourself on the back.

Areas that require editing are indicated by brackets. Your words are in blue font, my observations in brown. Make sense?

Great. Let's go!

Click here
Fine Tuning ▼

In closing
From this sample piece, you're off to a stellar beginning and free to fly wherever the story leads.

Have fun and Keep on Writing!

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

913

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14 days may be credited.

#3935754

Review of Chapter 3

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

This is the last review, gifted by GERVIC 🐉 WDC Dragon Vale

from her winning auction bid.

Overall Impression
The third chapter continues with Regina directly addressing her 'audience,' the author's reader. I don't know the best way to express my thoughts, except every time this happens, I'm taken out of the story. Why is Regina speaking to me?

I know [your asking], “so what[']s the big deal?
I know you're asking, “so what's the big deal?

Setting/Plot/Characters
Still in Regina's mind, we follow through her day. At this point, I'd like to 'see' more. Where is the pain coming from? Can she grasp her back/head/arm and wince? Double over from stomach pain?

What is she taking and where is she getting it? "Why do I keep taking this stuff that I got from (whomever or whatever)."

Also, what genre is this story? Is she living in a normal world, but affected by supernatural forces? There have been hints about a family secret. Should I be expecting myths to reveal Regina's plight?

Click here
Fine tuning ▼

In closing
In three chapters I've learned, Regina suffers from debilitating pain, has a crummy job, and three kids she can't take care of.

Revealing 'back story' requires careful deliberation because it disrupts the natural flow of the plot. This chapter might might prove more effective in the beginning, or worked in spread across the chapters.

Considering consolidating the plot, practicing word economy to tell a more concise story and give the reader a more intimate relationship with Regina.

I feel like you're rushing through the plot, when it needs careful consideration. I should be intrigued at this point, but you're not giving enough to hold a suspenseful or enticing experience.

Once the punctuation is corrected, it will no longer be a distraction and the reader can focus more on the story.

If you include the item numbers in bitem format at the end of each chapter, it will help the reader fall into the next.

I appreciate the opportunity to read and review your work. So much of the editing is easy. I hope you come back and put more effort into correcting the repeated errors, rather than carrying them across all the chapters.

Never, ever give up!

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **

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914

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3935753

Review of The Toothache Diary

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hi there! This is the second chapter review gifted by GERVIC 🐉 WDC Dragon Vale

Overall Impression
The reader is plunged into Regina's psyche as more of the puzzle is revealed, further complicating the plot.

Setting/Plot/Characters
Setting: A bus ride and Regina's home.
This chapter is told through Regina's direct observations on what she' doing and where she's going.

Regina: I was taken aback learning Regina was a mother. In the first chapter, her actions and dialogue gave me the impression of a teenager. Regina's in some sort of excruciating pain, source not revealed. The pain overwhelms her to the point of collapse.

Years ago, I fell and sustained a compression fracture on my spine, but the doctor's missed it on the first x-rays. Three weeks passed in agony so debilitating, I would collapse on a bed or sofa and sleep for hours. I had no medicine for pain, but eventually I was correctly diagnosed and put into a body cast. I may not know what's happening to Regina, but her actions "felt right" to me because of my experience.

My anxiety escalated in this chapter because she's unable to care for her children. I was doubly taken aback when I learned her children were older.

So far, there's no father in the picture, and I was horrified because Regina neglected her young daughter. The older daughter seemed cruel and derisive of her mother, with no compassion.

Dialogue is effective for 'showing vs. telling,' but only carries a story so far. This chapter would benefit from a more detailed setting.

The story stutters and fumbles, a good indication of Regina's physical and mental state.

Click here
Fine tuning ▼

In closing
So far, the reader has seen Regina suffering both professionally and personally. The intensity of the secrecy is reinforced in the conclusion. On to the next.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

915

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3935752

Review of The Toothache Diary

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi there! Your friend GERVIC 🐉 WDC Dragon Vale

won a package in this auction "Reindeer Roulette!"

and gifted it to you! The package included three reviews of short stories, and I only found a book in your portfolio, so I'll be reviewing three chapters!(My favorite item to review.)

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

The Story Begins
The opening chapter gives the reader a character sketch of the primary character, Regina.

Setting/Plot/Characters
In only a few sentences, Regina's already in trouble, leading the reader deeper into the plot. A drive-through restaurant becomes the setting and concludes with a scene in Regina's boss's office.

We are introduced to Regina, who from the first sentence, is already in trouble for some reason. She's a likable character who I identified with, and as I read, my apprehension grew. She wasn't responding to repeated demands and unable to get herself in gear.

The boss seems to have a vested interest in Regina and respects her. Rather than outright dismissing her, she reminds Regina of her previous outstanding performance, and allows Regina the opportunity to explain herself.

Regina offers the excuse of exhaustion, which is clearly not the issue, and the chapter concludes with a mystery. What is wrong with Regina?

Click here
Fine Tuning ▼

In closing
I'm curious to see what's up with Regina, which encourages the reader to step into the next chapter. Regina's closing statement was interesting. She's worried if she reveals her true story, people won't understand and be judgmental.

You've set up both exterior and inner conflict. Excellent.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

916

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14 days may be credited.

#3934839

Review of A christmas wonder

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi!

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

First Impression

Title:
Capitalize [Christmas] and [Wonder]

Brief description.
You can make a notation at the bottom, including a link to the contest. Use the description as an attention grabber.

Outstanding opening line. From the beginning, the reader is asking, where could Bobby be?

Plot/Setting/Characters
Great work establishing setting in the first paragraph by contrasting a snow-world against Texas. I was immediately in the scene.

You engaged the senses by showing the reader what Bobby was experiencing.

The plot continues, each line adding to the mystique. I had to know why Bobby saw footprints, but no people. I sensed a combination of How the Grinch— and Hansel and Gretel.

This story would enchant any child and any adult. You kept up the suspense. The rooms you described put me right into the story. I saw what Bobby 'seeing.'

What I liked
Your entire story was a joy to read. You held off on revealing Santa Clause, which although some children, depending on the age, may have already guessed. I was so involved in the plot, I didn't think "Santa" until the story was near the end. Maybe I should be worried about that.

Click on the line.
A few thoughts ▼

Lasting Impression
The ending was precious. Bobby wasn't sure if his experience was real, thus keeping doubt in the reader's mind. It was possible the boy was dreaming.
(I'm sure my ears heard reindeer hooves and jingle bells on the roof when I was a kid.)

I don't want to spoil the surprise, but the conclusion was satisfying and left me smiling. I can't imagine a child not keeping this short story as a favorite.

Keep up the good work!

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

917

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3934702

Review of Mom's Pancakes

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

Overall Impression
I'm no poet, but I wanted to investigate the odd format. Would this be a free-style poem, or prose?

Stand out moments
I had to control my trigger finger from suggesting commas between all the ingredients. In the end, I liked the way you described them, two by two.

It took several reads before this made sense.
Carrying a bowl--carrying nothing
I added in the thought contained in the dashes. She was carrying an empty bowl. Maybe it's unusual only to me, but I liked the unique way you expressed your feelings.

Considerations
The only thing that bothered me was the [man] part. In our society, it's slightly disturbing if a man lives with his mom and loves her pancakes. By the conclusion and after thinking this over, the narrator is a man remembering his boyhood, correct?

In closing
I will admit to a bit of burning behind my eyes when I read the last simplistic sentence.

About ratings. I don't go into long explanations. My reviews and ratings match. Yours was a challenge to quantify, hence the reasoning behind the rating.

The image you created and the emotions evoked are continuing as I conclude the review. Your peculiar (in a good way) format, is either brilliant, or for those who know poetry, not correct. The problem is, there's not much here to work with. So, not comparing this work to anything else, concentrating solely on this piece, my emotions determined the high rating.

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918

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3934679

Review of Spirals of Time

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

Overall Impression
Truth be told, I almost passed this by because there's no paragraphing or white space, and the block of words discouraged me. You might gain more reviewers by making this simple correction!

Your description of Ashley seeing herself walking toward her intrigued me, and I thought, 'well, I'll read a few more sentences.' Too late. I was hooked and focused on the story.

A Closer Look
The only way to clear this in my mind, is to offer my best guess by adding parts together. I was with you on the 'saving Ashley from her childhood part.'

When the scene switched to the hospital, I wondered what accident had brought here there. The sequence with Raven was completely baffling, but that's what put her in the hospital, yes? She found another destiny, one where she survived.

However, the individual scene was confusing.
that if his personal life wasn't kept in chaos he would be dead.
I don't understand why her parents were killed, or who Raven was. Later on, Ashley meets up with Raven and his men. She agrees to do anything for Raven, and one possible fate is determined.

What makes sense to me, is Keith's life could have no chaos so no one can manipulate him. But the parents are killed, and Ashley gives up her life. So, chaos is good for Keith?

Confusion aside, I liked how Keith reacted differently toward Ashley, initially confused and distrustful, while Ashley had no idea why. The reunion of the couple was satisfying.

I liked the intentional diversions. When Ashley first describes the house, I was thinking she loved it there, so it came as a total surprise, and along with Keith and Ashley, I laughed at the snail joke.

Some people don't like two POV's, but I can't see how this story would work without switching back and forth. It was slightly disorienting, but overall it worked.

Click here:
Fine Tuning ▼

In closing
At the end of the story I was baffled, not knowing what happened. One stand out for me was the phrase 'spirals of time.' I walked away and thought about that phrase and the title. The light went on and wow! What a clever read. It just needs a little more clarity.

Keep up the writing!

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919

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14 days may be credited.

#3934631

Review of Christmas Lights

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

Overall Impression
Your unique plot threw me for a loop, especially the conclusion. Nice job.

Emotions Evoked
The main character sounded child-like, acting as if tiny Christmas tree lights could be seen from outer space. This continued as she imagined red areas signifying Santa visitations.

Your narrator needs a name. It helps with reader identification.

She wanted Jenkins to enjoy the spirit, but he was unresponsive, and according to the narrator, glum. Was the ship running on autopilot while she left her station to knock on his door?

I was trying to visualize the craft, wondering how she could be knocking on his door and simultaneously being able to see the planet. in my mind, crew corridors are interior.

Eventually, she calls out to the 'empty room.' If she thinks Jenkins is in there, how can it be empty?

Click here:
Fine Tuning ▼

Considerations
I have a story that is primarily telling, with only a smattering of dialogue. Some reviewers think adding dialogue, rather than summarizing conversations would make the story more effective. This is one example of telling vs. showing. However, I've never changed the story because I liked the projection of loneliness that comes from the narrator's perceptions.

Would dialogue benefit the story? No doubt at all. You can ask yourself the same question. Would you like to add a few lines of conversation between Jenkins and the narrator. For example, dialogue would show why the narrator disliked talking to Jenkins. Specifically. It's your choice.

In closing
Without disclosing the conclusion, suffice it to say I was horrified, wondering if the narrator was unbalanced and this was a case of Christmas blues. Earlier, she's understanding of people being with their families, and she misses her mom. Was this a bit of foreshadowing?

The last sentence wrenched my heart. When I read 'tether' a breath caught in my throat, and I had to read it over again, disbelieving.

None of this makes sense in a practical way, for reasons listed above. I looked for clues that perhaps this was a dream, but found none.

My final impression leaves me confused. Is it a character study of a disturbed individual? If so it's in total contrast to the images evoked—a sense of beauty and majesty. If so, it works.

I guess she'll always have the stars for company. If I misunderstood something, please feel free to drop an email and point out the error of my thinking.

Keep up the good work and keep on writing!

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920

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14 days may be credited.

#3934606

Review of A Child's Paradise

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

Emotions Evoked
Your poem brought back several memories, all from different years in my life. I connected through my own childhood memories, my experiences with my children, and am now seeing the ocean through my grandchildren's eyes.

We live only thirty minutes from the beaches, which is ironic because I don't like the sand, salt, and blazing sun. Forget swimming; I always drift away, pulled by undercurrents. However, since the people in my life love the ocean, I put aside most of my negativity and enjoy the day because they are happy.

Stanza by stanza
One
Stanza one grabbed my interest and created a strong image in my mind. The opening line was my favorite because 'footprints in the sand' is often heard, but 'tiny footprints in the sand' is precious.

Two
Stanza two felt 'off' to me, but only through fault of my own.

Line one was misread by me because I thought 'castles in the sand.' After several reads, I'm left with the impression of driftwood being the fuel for the fire? I felt sad for the driftwood. Many are nature's gorgeous creations, but I suppose if a kid found crummy old pieces, I'd be okay.

I never camped on the beach, but I've made s'mores with my kids. Are they salty in this stanza because of the ocean?

Because I have no direct link to this experience, stanza two was seen through your eyes.

Consider closing with this. All the other stanzas are running current, and the fire would be the closing event. 'Ashes' has a sense of finality, evoking the feelings of closure.

Three
Stanza three engages the sense of hearing. Three different adjectives to create separate impressions. Well done. Of course, this is poetry, so making the observation that the third line is poetic, seems redundant, but that's what came to mind. I liked the last sentence. It created the reason for the movement. Some might have used this as the first line because nothing is happening without the breeze, but I like the placement.

Four
Stanza four leaves me with the same feeling. The first three lines belonged somewhere before the ashes stanza. The final line closes the circle of poetry with a soft remembrance.

In closing
If I've totally confused you, please feel free to email me and ask for clarification. Keep up the good work!

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921

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14 days may be credited.

#3933093

Review of O Lonely Night

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi there! I'm here today with a Solar Package review from "Invalid Item"

gifted by April Desiree-I'm back!

Overall Impression
Generally, what I offer when I review poetry is my emotional connection. I'm looking for a good read and I enjoyed the peace of mind I experienced while thinking about your words.

The title kicks off the deep sadness that saturates this poem. I'm not put off by happy endings because Life is what it is.

This piece ended on a positive note. In endings there are beginnings.

The stanzas marching
I liked how each stanza reinforced the theme. "sun's midnight matron" struck me as brilliantly clever.

The "cloud of emptiness" can be taken as confusion in the mind, most likely your intention, but it fits the celestial theme.

The "cold face" brings to mind the bright white of the moon on some nights, as compared to a warm orange. Silent nights are difficult to endure with no one to help.

In the final stanza, "have left me in the dust" immediately set off my reaction 'star dust,' perhaps the strongest image, because humans and stars are made from the same elements, making us all stars.

Technicalities ▼

Parting comments
I liked the conclusion, because most people equate rebirth or regeneration with the sun. Far better to consult the stars, our companions.

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922

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3926172

Review of My Love Knew No Boundaries

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi there!

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

I found your request here:
"Please Review"

Good for you! Seeing a newly-minted member putting their work out for review is inspiring, and so are your words.

Overall Impression
My son used to volunteer at a no-kill pet shelter. Lucky for me, or he would have tried to bring home every animal. I still remember the massive white German Shepherd he brought over to my car, the question evident in his eyes. The dog's head was even with my car window!

The enthusiasm for this story is evident in your words. Keep in mind, too many words and too much description can detract from all the positive energy that's surging through the plot. Wordy sentences lose the reader's interest. Let's take a look at your first paragraph.

Setting/Plot/Characters
The purpose of the first paragraph, the first sentence, is to snag your audience. This is best accomplished through action. For example, consider beginning the story with the third sentence, where she's arriving. An active scene. These are your words, with less.
"I arrived early for my first day of volunteering at the pet shelter—
See the difference?

Your compassion is anxious to be expressed, so cut right to it. This is your fourth sentence condensed, again, only your words, without the unnecessary descriptions and the attention focused on the character.
The low census thrilled me because it meant not too many critters were imprisoned in their cells.
Make sense? On another note, the reader can intuit what a low census means.

When she's walking the dogs, reading about them doing all their usual stuff doesn't advance your plot. Is it interesting? Not really.

I liked the part where her shoulder felt yanked out of place.

Other questions to ask? Every story needs a conflict and resolution. What does your character want? Think want/obstacle/action. Dialogue!

In closing
The conclusion was an unexpected surprise. The narrator (was there a name?) is a person I'd like to meet. A person willing to stand up and break the rules when the rules are so senseless. That was one cold person who was a stickler in the face of optimism. I hope the story is not factual in that area. Who would waste an animal's life?

The title and cover art are perfect for this story. Try writing this story in 1000 words for practice because it teaches word economy, and then go back to your full word count. The dialogue, which only came at the conclusion, was a huge relief. Why not get your character talking to someone, even if he/she is only in the company of animals. Your goal, and you'll hear it a million times, is to show, not tell, your story.

Please feel free to send me an email if you'd like me to review this again after editing.

Good luck in the contest!

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923

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14 days may be credited.

#3925319

Review of Red Guilt

Review by Nixie

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Time to celebrate you!

HAPPY 1st! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Overall Impression
The title is original and compelling; the brief explanation drew me in.

Darn. I thought the plot solid in my mind, despite the vague beginning. When I reached the conclusion, I returned to the beginning and read it again three times over, but was still confused. Sorry.

Thoughts/Impressions
At first, I thought Harley was dead and Gareth was leading her to look at her own battered body because Gareth says this:
But you’re dead my dear.
The plot continues with Harley horrified to discover she's dead and unable to complete her life as she planned. So true!
In the conclusion, this sentence says the opposite
Finally she yanked the sheet back revealing her twisted, bloody work

So, Harley is both alive and dead? Dead enough to still be alive because Gareth is forcing her to relive her crime?
Beginning a story with dialogue and no real setting is confusing. It may be you've accomplished all you wanted for this story; I definitely understand that. I won't offer suggestions to broaden and clarify the plot unless I hear from you.

Some fine tuning
Harley Glared at Gareth with angry eyes
Harley glared
With clenched fists she knocked it onto the floor with a clatter sending flecks of blood bounding through the air.
With clenched fists[] she knocked it onto the floor with a clatter[] sending flecks of blood bounding through the air.
You need a comma after the introductory phrase and another to separate the participle phrase.

No matter what I visualize, I can't see blood bounding. If you agree, maybe you can think of a more accurate or precise verb.

I would change your categories from 'other' and 'other' to 'short story' and 'horror/scary.' If you continue to write these gruesome stories, there's contests here you could enter and possibly win!

In closing
I found only a sprinkling of errors, which indicates you have talent. Please come back and work on this story so I can discover the answers.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

924

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14 days may be credited.

#3925280

Review of the star

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (2.5)

Time to celebrate!

HAPPY 1st! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Overall Impression
I wish this story was clearly written because what's here sounded amazing. I'm not sure how a star/girl with a 13 foot wing span would fit into an ordinary foster care without anyone noticing, but maybe you can think of something.

Thoughts/Impressions
You've given Galexy almost every supernatural skill. Now, will she be using these skills, or misusing them as the conclusion implies. She seems to be an ordinary teenage girl with an attitude.

At first I thought you were outlining a plot by describing Galexy's origins and back story. The plot never really went anywhere, other than a disturbing action scene that was only a nightmare. Moonwispers is an awesome name for a force of negativity, and I'm guessing the battle will be good vs. evil with more action and characterization.

Toward the conclusion, we're introduced to a briefly mentioned character, Amanda, Galexy's sister. Amanda has 'a little power' and I'm anxious to see if she remembers where the sisters came from, or anything about their parents. Since Galexy was three when she named herself, I'm guessing Amanda would be the older sister. Or, maybe they 'became' sisters of the heart.

Click here
A few thoughts ▼

In closing
One year ago today you began this story and never looked back. Here's an invitation to revisit the story and tell it brilliantly.

I would be happy to write another review after the story has been revised, so I can up the rating!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

925

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3925252

Review of A Life Bared

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi! Today is a day for celebration.

HAPPY 8th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Overall Impression
Outstanding title choice. It's original, and when the story is finished, the title mirrors the plot.
To answer your question—Yes, I have wondered what happens to teddy bears. My 31 year old daughter still sleeps with her first teddy bear, despite the shabbiness and bare patches. She's a compassionate woman, not unlike Marla, so the bond between teddy and child felt perfectly natural to me.

Thoughts/Impressions
The message in this story is heartwarming. A child, who has learned what it means to be lonely, passes on a treasured gift.

Characters
The story begins with a teddy bear as the main character. It is remarkably cognizant of the surroundings and nature of his life. His sad story continues, as he's continually marked down, lost, and finally ends up on the last, forlorn spot, where he is unexpectedly rescued. Here, the reader is more aware of the bear's fate because of the woman who next entered the story.

The woman
You allowed the reader to see the woman as poor and compassionate by describing her actions and clothing. As she scrutinized every toy, I wondered who she was choosing for. You might ease up on the repetitive descriptions of the clothing. I was shocked when the story revealed Marla sleeping in the car while her mother shopped. In today's society, this might be considered child endangerment. When she returned home and began her Christmas preparations, my heart tightened. She was gifting her daughter with what little she had to spare.

Marla
I was captivated by the bond you wove between teddy and child. A toy/child relationship is common, but you made the concept your own. I wanted to raise my hand and say "No toys are allowed in schools," but let it pass because although true, such a rule would negate the plot, and sacrificing the story for accuracy felt wrong. As the action meandered along, I marveled over the way you depicted teddy and child through the years. The toy was as much a character as the child, and this line struck me because it cemented the image I was building in my mind.
About the time Marla and I entered the fifth grade her school—

One thought: If you want to use the tomb of the "Unknown Soldier," think about adding setting in the beginning of the story. (Arlington, VA) Considering the honors and constant patrolling of this grave, no one would be allowed near it, nor could a teddy bear be left. At one point, the tomb is described as [that of an unknown soldier.] It's not specified as The Tomb, so you could squeak by, but a few sentences later, Unknown Soldier appears.

I started pointing out errors, but stopped because this is an anniversary review, with the intent to celebrate. One quick fix: Use paragraphs to break up the 'block' of words for an easier read.

Click here
The Fine Line ▼

In closing
The emotional tug is impossible to resist.

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