Nixie's (nixie9) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

3,296 Public Reviews Given

3,335 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

Template most of the time, covering setting/plot/characters/conflict/resolution if applicable. For shorter works, I concentrate more on feelings evoked.

I'm good at...

Short story, chapter reviews and in-depth reviews.

Favorite Genres

Sci-fi, Romance, mystery, children's

Least Favorite Genres

Historical

Favorite Item Types

Short stories, novel chapters

Least Favorite Item Types

essay, editorial, non-fiction, somebody's homework assignment

I will not review...

XGC, poems, prose. I am an animal activist and vegan, so cruelty or violent, unnecessary, death due to negligence is overwhelming. I am unable to review any pieces involving abuse of any kind to anyone. I like to keep my corner or the world happy, because I grew beyond my "challenges" of childhood and don't want to look back.

801

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14 days may be credited.

#4059721

Review of The Stick Shift Diasaster

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi! Here's a review for your Lightning Package from "Invalid Item"

as gifted by Samberine Everose

Overall Impression
The characters in this story are so simply alive and bubbly, I was drawn in right away. Then I realized this was a true story, and probably close to what actually happened.

Thoughts
Between the title and the cover art, I knew what to expect. But the story opened on a mysterious note, sending the reader on a quest for answers.

The story was chatty and friendly. The interaction between the sisters was funny, the dialogue bright and clever. It was easy to picture these two off on a journey that entailed Aundria (you) learning not only to drive, but simultaneously operating a stick shift. I've never tried, but the accounting sounded authentic.

Considerations
"I hope mom lets--
Since [mom] is used as a name, it should be capitalized. Mom.

Parting Comments
The story felt like it was written for Elle's contest, but I wasn't sure until I reached the conclusion.

That poor child! As the driver, I would be more traumatized over hitting a child with the car than happy the tree was unscathed. Although I do have an affinity for trees.

Sometimes, the truth can be more difficult to write. Other times, it all flows naturally, just as it happened. This story was even and smooth. Just right for the retelling of learning to drive. I was smiling all the way through.

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802

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#4059477

Review of Oops

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Hi there! I saw your briefcase here "Invalid Item"

and wanted to offer a review, and add another welcome to the group

Overall Impression
Oh, the joy of working with prompts. When I'm reading a contest piece, my first thoughts are how well the story worked in that venue. Word count restrictions are tough to work with, but they also teach us to practice word economy.

Plot/Setting/Characters
I could sympathize with your character because I've had something similar happen twice. Both times the keys were locked in the car with the ignition running.

How did the keys end up locked in the car? Stopping for the break came first, before locking herself out, right? I was put in a desert setting, and wondering why she has to climb around barbed wire and a wooden fence when there's nothing else in the scene.

The camera comes into play so she can get a closer look at what's around her, and it works to foreshadow the surprising and clever conclusion.

The story might benefit from less telling and more talking. Yes, she's alone, but that's never stopped me from muttering. And first person can be tricky to write. So, in this sentence
"I was muttering a string of foultry with each painful step at how naïve I was."
"I'm such an idiot. Ruined my new jeans, my face is scraped and bleeding, my back hurts. I probably sprained an ankle. And for what?"

The narrative is formal. The people I know don't go around thinking about "advantageously capturing a vista." They clamber to the top of the rocks and look around through the camera lens.

Same idea with [sharp angular edges of a rock that had agate properties]. It sounded forced. Not natural.
I grabbed a rock, tossed it from hand to hand--that's heavy enough--and smashed it through the passenger window.

Keep your action tight and moving. One of my favorite sentences was "Every breath tasted like bug juice and dust." That kind of writing puts me right into the story and made me smile.

"I could [taste] the salty sweet [taste]--"
Keep the action going. Avoid using the same words.
I licked my lips and tasted a salty, sweet trickle of blood.

Why did she have a journal in her vehicle? Every thing in the story has to be there for a reason. If you want to use a journal, the reader has to know why it's there. Everything should further the plot. Anything that doesn't shouldn't be included.

Things that go clunk
The air here was so hard to [breath] > [breathe]
I was muttering a string of foultry > What does [foultry] mean?

This whole trip to Texas was turning into a series of stupid.
Should there be another word after stupid? Like mistakes? Or are you using [stupid] as a noun? Just curious.

I think the action in the last scene has to be turned around. She has to hear the applause first before her cheeks can redden. Make sense?

In closing
After all the storytelling, the last sentence was a refreshing break and gave the story a pump. Sometimes simple is the best way to go.

Anyhow, congratulations for entering a contest, and don't stop. It's a fantastic way to improve your writing. I hope there's something of value in this review. Ignore anything that doesn't help.

** Image ID #2017680 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

803

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#4058260

Review of The Train Home

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Hi there! I found your story here:
"Noticing Newbies Newsletter (October 29, 2014)"

Overall Impression
What an interesting way to clear writer's block. Write a story about an author who has writer's block. Did it help?

Plot/Setting/Characters
You have the right idea by dropping the reader into the action from the beginning. You gave your story some good "props", an active setting, including a train and the rain.

Characterization
I had a strong impression of Karina--I sympathized with her awkwardness when it was time to talk out loud. I live so much in my head, writing stories and what-not, my voice comes out funny sometimes. And I definitely rehearse before calling someone. Karina was socially inept, as well. But her inner musings were quite funny and realistic. And her clumsiness wasn't helped by the guy who caught her eye.

Joe's a mysterious character who seems to know things about Karina. I was a little confused when she thought whatever he meant (which was I don't know what) was due to her physical appearance. He assured her it was her ability to write vivid descriptions. He's never read anything of hers, nor has she said anything especially poetic. Or is it something he somehow senses?

Character names are important to the story. Karina was an awesome name choice, it related to her great-grand mother, and it suited her poetic nature. If you wanted Joe to be just Joe to play down his character, it worked. Otherwise, it might be fun to find an unusual name for a quirky character.

"I love you like all dark things are to be loved--
This was my favorite sentence. The one poetic moment in the whole mess of Karina's world. But who is saying this? Joe or Karina? The next sentence contains Joe's actions, which would indicate it's Joe speaking. But it seemed as if Karina should be saying it.

It's important to give each character their own paragraph so the reader knows who is doing and saying what. I noticed a few places where this was not the case.

Although the punctuation caused problems, the dialogue was strong. Joe's suggestions as to why Karina hadn't finished the book sounded possible to me. I liked Karina's unexpected ire.

Things that go clunk
Suggestions ▼

In closing
I'm relieved this wasn't a "happily ever after" plot. (As far as a budding relationship goes. I think Joe was an entity who was somehow linked to Karina and served his purpose.) I liked that part! If I didn't enjoy your story, I would not have written such a lengthy review. Don't be discouraged!

The punctuation problems haunted this story. Enough so it was too distracting. Maybe you popped this off to clear your head and never did any editing. That would be a large step toward a stronger story.

My comments are yours to explore or ignore. Keep on writing!

** Image ID #2017680 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

804

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#4057480

Review of Welcome Back Kotter

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Welcome to the WdC Power Reviewers

Cosmically Comedic Raid

Overall Impression
I remember watching this show, never missing an episode. You portrayed the characters realistically and the classroom scene with the colored chalk and feckless students put me right back into the spell.

Strengths
Of course the comedy is the winning component of this piece, achieved by crafting clever responses from Kotter and the students. But it wasn't the only aspect that caught my attention.

I don't remember Zombies being popular when this show was current, so the reference brought the story into the present, which fascinated me. It had the effect of taking a bit of fan fiction from an earlier time period into the contemporary.

I liked Kotter's opening statement, and also drew the same conclusion. This would be a taboo subject now, but back in the '70's we were a more open culture, more forgiving and easy going. More real.

Freddy's answer was exactly what Kotter was trying to circumvent, but the response was obviously one Kotter (and the viewers) expected. You caught the moment and the mood, and then suspended it in this story.

Emotional response
What a fantastic idea to include the theme song link in the beginning. Unfortunately for me, when I listened to the opening song, the wave I experienced wasn't one of nostalgia. It made me panicky, the thought of going back to where we came from and trying to make a difference. I couldn't wait to move away and stay away.

Suggestions
You mentioned this was written or adapted to fit the G.o.T. competition. I wonder what it was?

In Closing
But in the end it didn't matter. Good writing is good writing and always a pleasure to read. Minus the empty, hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Sex on the Beach was a very popular drink in the '70's. Not that I know from personal experience, you understand.

** Image ID #2017265 Unavailable **

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805

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#4053621

Review of Unbound Words: Chapter 1 - Kenton the Ne

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, Ben Crawford

I found your item here: "Invalid Item"

Overall Impression
Great job dropping the reader right into the plot, seated next to Kenton. You swiftly gave us a physical place and a time period as well by having the carriage and quill episode begin the story.

Plot/Setting/Characters
The letter was a clever way to reveal back story without writing back story.

World Building
You introduced us to currency, and a bit of societal norms. I never thought about having a delivery boy being well-spoken so as not to offend the customer. That appealed to me because it was something I wouldn't expect to read.

You did a bang-up job describing the buildings and surroundings. I liked visualizing the rounded buildings and the seamless way physical items just went together without fixtures.

We had a glimpse of the magic to come, and the scene where Kenton checks the magic seal with his powers spoke volumes. It also brought to mind today's society, where packages delivered to important people are handled carefully in case of toxins. And, with emails, some programs allow the senders to verify the message has been read, just like the seal on Kenton's letter. Excellent.

Characters
The unsigned letter worked well to introduce the characters, so the later the reader isn't overwhelmed. And Kenton is warned not to trust the writer. It's a keen observation and puts us on guard. Sort of like an unreliable narrator.

I took right to Blythe, for no apparent reason. He just seemed like a nice guy to know.

Hmm. Why did Kenton discourage the flamboyant Mandassa Lisadar? Do they have a history he'd rather not have revealed?

You chose all your character names well. They suit the story.

When Torin arrived, he heightened the intensity of the plot. I liked all the other characters, but Torin snagged my attention the most. He's sardonic, but not obnoxious. He says what he means, and he means what he says. It's perfectly in character when he stands and applauds Kenton. He might be my favorite. I liked him all the way up until his smile was described as devilish. I think you'd be fine just ending his dialogue, and then say he walked out. Let your reader make their own assumptions and draw conclusions. I would not have described Torin as devilish, I thought there was much more depth to his character, but I'm not the one writing the story.

Kenton could feel an intense magical pressure coming from the doors.
The story feels in some places removed from the reader. When I think of magical pressure, it brings to mind energy surging. So rather than making Kenton the subject of this sentence, consider making the magic the subject. I'm not a fantasy writer, but this came to mind as an example.
Surges of magical pressure buffeted Kenton's own energy field. The powerful lacing of the wards threatened to overwhelm him.

"Same as always, breaking the hearts of half the men and breaking the arms of the other half,"
--said Halbert breaking eye contact.
The first sentence is strong and unique. When the word [breaking] is used in the very next sentence, the impact is stolen.

Click here
Suggestions ▼

Parting thoughts
I don't write or normally read fantasy or magic stories, but yours was well-written and contained some surprises that kept me interested. The dialogue was sparkly and correct for the characters. Although you introduced quite a few, I never felt overwhelmed as sometimes happens when several characters come on stage so early in the story.

Of course you're free to ignore anything that doesn't work for you. There are enough punctuation errors to distract, and that would be an easy fix. Keep up the good work!

** Image ID #1887901 Unavailable **

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#4049634

Review of Welcome to my Garden of Creativity

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This review comes courtesy of
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

's
Dare To Review Raid!

Your Nuclear Review Package was purchased from "Invalid Item"

by Mandy

Overall Impression
What a beautiful presentation you have here for your visitors. I often wonder where user names come from, so I enjoyed finding the meaning behind yours. It was very clever and precious to say you were born in WdC 2013 April 7th. You worded it much more concisely.

Thoughts/Observations
You were reserved in your usage of font colors, which makes a more professional presentation. The blues and violets compliment each other, and there's even a color pattern in the award and merit badge section. I wonder if it was accidental?

The Garden follows a logical path, beginning with your 'real' identity. Not all members divulge this information, but since you offered it so freely, I clicked on the link and read every entry. You sound like a delightful person to know.

The rest of the page progresses logically, leaving links to your various works. I am also a Rising Star. If you've written anything related to the group, you can add it to your folder.

In closing
Your writing is especially impressive because English is not your first language. You might want to change the last line to
[who help me grow every day]

It was my pleasure to stop here today. What an unexpected delight!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4049627

Review of The Lamp

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

This review comes courtesy of
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

's
Dare To Review Raid!

This is a Special Event Package purchased by The Run-on King PDG Member

from "Invalid Item"

Overall Impression
This is an amazing write, Eliza! For someone so young, you've already mastered story crafts that some members are still learning. You began your story with a bang, immediately tossing your reader into the midst of the action, peppered with dialogue, and a sense of uncertain doom. I would have continued reading anyway, but I was also driven by the need to know who the kids were hiding from, and why?

Thoughts/Observations
I think it was a great idea to draw out the suspense and give the reader bits of information as the story progressed, rather than alerting them right in the beginning.

You did a great job putting the plot into place, first the kids needing a place to hide, which led to one discovery and then another. Jenna and Harry were both very believable characters who sounded like brother and sister. Jenna definitely sounded like an older sister.

Suggestions
Would you consider using more paragraphing so the words don't appear in one solid block? Every time the dialogue switches characters, begin another paragraph.

When Harry makes the observation of the golden light, it feels like a shift in POV since the story thus far has been told through Jenna.

One other question. Jenna can't see the genie, and it was very clever for her to sense a shrug in the genie's words. However, later on, she comments on his teeth. You might need a sentence in there where the genie becomes visible. Maybe after the dust clears?

In closing
After all the commotion and anticipation, the genie was so ordinary. You turned that right around by giving him personality and diminished powers. Also, the reader learned something more about Harry. He's quite an astute child, discerning and destroying the escaped genie's intentions. I hope Jenna is right, and sibling love will be enough to see them safely into a loving family's arms.

Great work here, Eliza! Keep it up!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

808

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#4049571

Review of The Long and Winding Road

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)

This review comes courtesy of
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

's
Dare To Review Raid!

This is a Special Event Package purchased by The Run-on King PDG Member

from "Invalid Item"

Overall Impression
Wow. This was an amazing read, complete with documents and ringing with history and romance. The story is lovingly expressed, and it was easy to slip into the aura, the excitement and promise in your words.

Thoughts/Observations
I haven't been a practicing Catholic in a while, but even recently, we were not allowed to marry outside of our religion. Eventually, a concession was made. Couples from different religions could be married in the chapel, but not the actual church. Weird. At least no one had to leave their country to be married.

My ancestry is Polish, and my mom used to kid my father, saying his family was from the wrong side of the family because he came from an area of Poland closer to Russia. (At least that's the way I remember the story.)

I wondered what kind of opposition Else and Alfred received from their parents? Was Else simply allowed to leave? Did her father know she was going to meet up with Alfred and get married?

We've all heard stories of immigrants coming to America, but I definitely never heard of such a gruesome eye exam. The footnotes added to the authenticity; you've done your research, for sure.

I'm not sure the song lyrics added much to this story, but maybe they were included for personal reasons.

In closing
Not knowing much of Germany, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that gymnastics was an offered course, way back in the 1920's. Great work, here. The pictures were amazing. I wonder who took the picture of your mom playing the guitar on the Hanover and how it survived and ended up in your family's possession. Yours is a story and a history lesson I won't soon forget.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

809

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#4047863

Review of Carly's Guestbook

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi, Carly! Here's a review from your Nuclear Package purchased through "Invalid Item"

by: PatrickB

Overall Impression
Hi, Carly. Patrick ordered reviews of six small items in your portfolio, and it didn't look like anyone had stopped by your guest book. Without knowing too much about you, there's a few things easily determined by reading through this.

The graphics tell me you're playful and whimsical. Your words tell me you have a wide open heart and you're humble and welcoming.

This guestbook is also a guide to your portfolio, sort of a shortcut. A blog is the best place to start. It's a place where we're open and members can learn quite a bit about each other.

At first I thought the short story folder contained only what you worked on in 2013, which is something I'm thinking of putting together. Next came your favourite piece at the time when you began the guestbook. That's also a good way to show people who you are. We bring attention to our most treasured items.

Your poetry folder has been awarded twice!

I was astonished when I clicked on your second favourite. The poem was a 2013 Quill Nominee! That's something I would point out on your guest page. Unless you prefer to be modest.

I liked your pansies for dividers.

Are there any new items to be added under "Some of my Favourite Places" Maybe not, because you updated this page less than one month ago. Do you have any other group affiliations?

Carly, I can't imagine a person landing here and not coming away with a smile. What a beautiful way to welcome readers.

** Image ID #1729365 Unavailable **

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#4047601

Review of Of Robots and Humanity

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Overall Impression
It really would be very simple to sum this up and say, 'oh what a sweet story.' But you've accomplished so much more. You found a compelling title and took the time to add some great cover art. You definitely drew me in.

Plot/Setting/Characters
It's clear from the beginning the narrator is a unique and intuitive person. From the first paragraph, I had a feeling the story would be insightful and definitely poignant.

What I wanted to comment on were a few of the observations. I liked your mention of people not having filters. We all seem to be in such a rush, and communication even between 'normal' humans is corrupted by filtering. I'm broadening the topic you opened. We hear what we want to hear based on our experiences. We talk as if everyone thinks the same way. Our way being the correct one, of course.

Even though Alex forgets what someone has said, I've always wondered, and this would be true of anyone, does what we forget get lodged somewhere in our brain and taint our perceptions? I think this happens all the time. So, in my mind, Alex forgetting doesn't render the slights harmless.

Click here:
Fine Tuning ▼

Parting thoughts
Annie could very well be Alex's mother; she's extremely devoted to and patient with him.

Story-wise, both characters were well-defined in a short amount of time. The setting was simple, which gave the conclusion a stronger impact. I could see the lights coming on and imagine Alex and Annie smiling in the dark.

Nicely done! Keep on writing.

** Image ID #1873619 Unavailable **
~Nixie

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4047577

Review of End of Time

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Overall Impression
This read like a mini-sci-fi drama, complete with a full cast of characters, various settings, and futuristic technologies.

Plot/Setting/Characters
The entire story was strong (although the conclusion was predictable) and I was impressed by how much you compacted into this piece. You not only gave us characters, you showed us how they ticked, what motivated them.

I liked how the story began through one character's POV and how that progressed into the unfolding plot. Everyone was believable in their roles. I experienced Kal's story more intimately than the others. You showed me his current age and status, and his longing to be back in active duty. The scene where he is observing the Valerian star ship gave me an even stronger sci-fi sensation.

Click here:
Fine Tuning ▼

Parting thoughts
Something that came to my attention. Kal's observation of the Battle cruiser and his envy of Sammy were both story elements used to tie up the plot. Nothing that doesn't belong in a story should be included. This work is a fine example of using everything you put in.

There was some great space drama in the conclusion, with Fransur's desire to change events versus the Captain's orders. Well done.

Although the conclusion was a bit of a let down, due to the usual theme of a certain planet's demise, I'm not sure what else you could use as a conclusion. Still, the story was a great read. I feel as if I got a small dose of space drama that I really liked. Keep writing~

** Image ID #1873619 Unavailable **
~Nixie

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

812

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14 days may be credited.

#4046208

Review of The Phone

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Overall Impression
I had an idea where this story was headed when her calls kept going to voice mail. You were very clever not to give away anything in the brief description that would clue the reader as to what would happen in the conclusion.

Plot/Setting/Characters
I found Natalie's confusion over what to do very convincing, and even more so after I finished reading the story.

Because I identified with Natalie from the very beginning (good job establishing character identification) I was wondering what I would do in comparison to Natalie. I think I would be searching for a body, and I imagined myself looking under some nearby bushes.

Click here:
Fine Tuning ▼

Parting thoughts
So, basically she's caught in a time loop?

Great write! Keep up the good work.

** Image ID #1873619 Unavailable **
~Nixie

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

813

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14 days may be credited.

#4045363

Review of Liquid Sugar

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Overall Impression
The title grabbed my attention, and I liked how it appeared in the center of the plot, and then again at the conclusion.

Your story, that at first appeared innocent and uncomplicated, turned out to be the opposite. The writing is accomplished and polished. You captured the exchange between brothers as clearly as if I was watching it happen.

Plot/Setting/Characters
My brother never married, and while he doesn't own a home as gorgeous as Jamie's (great descriptions) he definitely doesn't understand the sacrifice of self that often comes from raising children.

You wasted no time getting the conflict into the story. Sarah's disdain was acute, but understandable. Two brothers can never be who they were in the presence of one wife. The married couple always seems to want everyone else to be married.

The dialogue was appropriate for the characters and sounded authentic. You expertly captured the dynamics and personalities of the brothers and wife. Three kids vs. a spectacular house? A fascinating difference to ponder.

I almost balked at the large block of text in the middle of the story, wondering what was so important that it over-shadowed the brother's relationship. I think after reading only two sentences, you had me hooked. You're excellent at describing things without wasting words.

I guess there are only accolades from me. You uniquely described the procession of memories through Clyde's mind.

Parting thoughts
There didn't seem to be a point, other than two brothers debating the merits of their opposite lives, until Jamie made his confession. The last two sentences closed the story with a poignant moment, beautifully expressed.

It was my privilege to read and review your work. Keep writing!

** Image ID #1873619 Unavailable **
~Nixie

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

814

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4045090

Review of The Adventure of Victoria

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

Overall Impression
This is a wonderful story that will be more entertaining with a few modifications.

Plot/Setting/Characters
Basically, you've written a narrative. The reader is told a story, and it's a good one, but we're kept at a vast distance from the action and Victoria's feelings. Why? Because we're being told how she feels, as opposed to showing the reader. I'm sure you'll hear it over and over again until you get the hang of showing, not telling, a story.

You have a fantastic story here, but the best parts, all the clues the father leaves and Victoria's actions, are buried in among the narrative. I think the story is well worth editing. When, if, you rework this, think conflict and character growth. The conflict is there, Victoria has to go against her mother's wishes, and with each clue, she encounters more danger. She's growing stronger as a character. Try bringing this to life with some dialogue. Let the mother talk to her friends and complain about her daughter. You can allow the mother to see Victoria leaving, and get some good conflict in there.

The waitress can ask Victoria what she wants to eat. You can tell the story through Victoria's eyes, and let her make the observations.

Click here:
Fine Tuning ▼

Parting thoughts
Only you know what's best for this story, so I don't want to add any more comments. Showing vs. telling is a skill you'll easily pick up along the way, as you read others' stories and write reviews. Don't give up on this piece. Keep writing!

** Image ID #1873619 Unavailable **
~Nixie

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

815

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#4042085

Review of A Totally Unexpected Event

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, Whitemorn!

I came across your name here "Random Thoughts and Cares"

and wanted to investigate your portfolio.

Overall Impression
I noticed you write mainly poetry and articles, this was the rare short story I hunted down. The story was offbeat and comical, well-suited to your writing style, but you might need to brush up on some basic skills.

Plot/Setting/Characters
This story took me completely by surprise; you kept me unbalanced and guessing throughout. It certainly was an unexpected event!

Jack's high school prank didn't strike me as outrageous. It's one I've heard of many times. But--

If I told you the rest of the plot was implausible to me, you'd probably tell me you have a friend who pulled off this crazy 'prank.' I can't imagine a man of this age acting so irresponsibly, and still hung up on continuing his high school routines. Especially after twenty years!

What I liked was how you tied in Dean's nickname in high school to his present occupation. I laughed at Dean and Liv's elaborate plan to remove Jack from their home to avoid any association with his actions.

The story was detailed enough to create visual scenes, and the dialogue suited all the characters.

I guess Jack is adverse to kids because he wants to be the only child in any given situation.

When Jack didn't respond to the knocks on his bedroom door, I came across one of my favorite phrases--"a nightmare which was spawning at that very moment." This tied in nicely with the Stephen King reference.

Emotional Chord Struck
Mostly, I was irritated with Jack, but he did make me think of my younger brother, who is himself a prankster, but one who would not act irresponsibly. Of course, this is a matter of opinion, and maybe I'm just a fussy person who disapproves of Jack.

As much as I wanted to settle back and enjoy a great story, the small lapses of attention that occurred so frequently completely frustrated me. Although the suggestions appear extensive, I really think it's only a matter of unfamiliarity with short story writing, and anything that needs correcting is only a matter of simple editing. If there had been less slip-ups, I wouldn't even be qualifying my thoughts.

Fine Tuning ▼

Parting Comments
Here we are, back again to my [prudish] objections to Jack's bawdy character. If he's not believable to me, he's certainly a strong character. He's not one-dimensional. At least he made up for his prank, and Liv and Dean were willing to forgive him.

The one line conclusion of the story had a strong impact on the overall plot. It made me feel a bit more sympathetic toward Jack, and it was sort of a blanket forgiveness that soothed my nerves and made me smile.

You certainly know how to spin a good yarn. All the elements of a story are within. (Characters, setting, conflict--). With a bit of editing, you'd have a stronger story, although I'd still fight you over the plausibility of the plot.

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816

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14 days may be credited.

#4029887

Review of Raising Worms

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi! I found your story in this week's "Noticing Newbies" Newsletter. As stated in the letter, your story was chosen because you filled out your bio block. After reading your story, I marveled at your age. This is a very accomplished story for any writer. And you're just beginning!

The hook
So, what made your story stand out? The unusual title piqued my interest, and the brief description drove my curiosity.

Plot/Setting/Characters
Your first paragraph is action-oriented and written to entice the reader from the first sentence. Someone knocking on a door so late at night gave the story its first hint of fear.

Great job showing the shock of the woman who opened the box. I would have reacted exactly the same way.

As the plot unfolded, some of the fear dissipated, but the curiosity factor kept amplifying. The woman developing a need to be near the worms was completely mystifying. Her actions took an ugly turn, one that seemed to have no source.

Which is my only consideration. The reader was asked to take a huge leap across a shaky bridge of scene transition. There's nothing wrong with creating something the reader considers impossible. However, I think some sort of explanation would help. As written, this is a random act instigated by an unknown man. What was his motivation? Did he have to pass on the worms to free himself? Why would the worms incite violence with the end result of absorbing this woman?

Parting thoughts
Your story gave this day a jolt of surprise and delight at having found something so compelling from an author so young.

Please remember, my thoughts are my own, and only you know what's best for the story. I'm only offering an opinion. I noticed you have quite a few stories in your portfolio. Keep on writing! I'm attaching a link you might like to explore.

"Invalid Item"

** Image ID #1873619 Unavailable **
~Nixie

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

817

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4028634

Review of The Elevator

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

's
Free-For-All Anniversary Party Raid!

Overall Impression
An unanswered mystery left me feeling slightly dissatisfied, but overall, a good write.

And the plot unrolls
My first thought was wanting to know who the narrator was from the very beginning, so I could identify with the story. I have a suggestion. What if the third paragraph could be the first, and then include the two paragraphs of description? The fourth paragraph would remain in the same place. It's a good idea to establish character identification with the reader. The description of the elevator was well-written, but it would have meant more, to me, if Mike was introduced first.

Fine Tuning ▼

Last thoughts
You delivered what you suggested in your brief description. My imagination was fired up. Still, part of me would have liked the mystery explained. Unlike a novel, no short story has to answer all the questions, but maybe, you'll write a part two. And I'm curious. Do you have an ending in mind?

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

818

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4028008

Review of The city's colors

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

's
Free-For-All Anniversary Party Raid!
And

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

Overall Impression
I think there's a lot of ideas here, but the story needs more fleshing out to make sense. The opening paragraph sounded interesting; it's the reason I chose to read this. But it was also very confusing in parts.

unsightly meekness to make my marred and ripped flesh apparent.
Can you rewrite this so the meaning is clearer, or is it just me who's confused?

Should the title appear like this?
The City's Colors

As the plot unfolds
The story has a post-apocalyptic atmosphere, although this isn't something that's fully explored. I can guess the Mex have invaded earth and speculate about the meaning of a payment due. The narrator is missing her brown eyes and red hair; is this somehow related to money owed?

She admires the coins, but makes a dubious comment about the origin. Is this something to be developed?

My favorite part was the description of the (aliens?), especially their galaxy-eyes.

Last thoughts
I will spare you from detailing the errors in this piece. I think if you chose to come back and edit, you won't have any problem clearing them up, unaided. Your mind thinks in clever ways. Sometimes creativity gets in the way of correctness and accuracy.

I hope you return to this story. I'm interested in what it's all about. Please ignore any comments that are not helpful.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

819

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4027890

Review of The Miracle

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

's
Free-For-All Anniversary Party Raid!

And

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

Overall Impression
My first thought when I looked at your story was that there was no paragraphing, or separation of character dialogue. Sometimes I skip over stories that consist only of large blocks of text. They're difficult to read.

However, the first line introduced your protagonist and presented the conflict in an active setting. Nicely done!

As the plot unfolds
The plot was straightforward and uncomplicated in the beginning, and then led to some questionable happenings.

When the doctor led Clair into the room with a window facing the parking lot and a forest, I assumed the forest would play a major role in the plot because you emphasized it, and nothing that doesn't further the plot should be in the plot.

You definitely knew how to up the tension when Clair's computer stalled on a website she couldn't back out of. That fills me with a horrible dread. If Dr. Garza wanted Clair on that specific website, why did she make it so difficult for Clair to find? Was the doctor nervous and maybe didn't want Clair to track down the website? This would explain her disappearance.

I liked the unusual way Clair had to unravel the mystery and find the gargoyle. The bottle said "Drink only once." Clair guzzled it. So, was she not supposed to drink all of it?

Fine Tuning ▼

Last thoughts
The conclusion was a bit of a let down. The originality of the story raised my expectations for a clever twist at the end.

The most important thing is: You have your work out here for others to read and review.

Okay, two things. Remember I'm only one person with an opinion. Ignore what doesn't help and keep on writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

820

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4027416

Review of Blue

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

Hi Eliza. I was drawn to your story because I often wear blue and wanted the question you posed in the brief description answered.

Overall Impression
I liked your somewhat quirky, upbeat story. I was as puzzled as Fred and didn't have a single clue as to what was going on, which kept me reading.

Plot/Setting/Characters
The story was a good length, just right to deliver the conundrum and the resolution. Wearing blue should be insignificant, but apparently not to all those who swiveled their heads when Fred passed.

Name choice is important in a story because if chosen correctly, the name can define a bit of the character, or even a specific period in time. Excellent choice with Fred Berther as your protagonist. Completely ordinary.

I'm sort of confused. I don't want to give away the conclusion, but if Fred resembled a certain someone, a clandestine character, why would he be so recognizable and feared, by the general population. Maybe I misunderstood something.

You had me laughing while Fred pondered what he could have possibly done wrong to warrant retribution.

Click here:
Fine Tuning ▼

Parting thoughts
You penned a clever story. If you have a second, can you send a reply if I misunderstood the plot?

At any rate, keep on writing!

** Image ID #1873619 Unavailable **
~Nixie

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

821

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4026860

Review of I - Bot

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

Overall Impression
A very clever take on the oft repeated fear of humans feeling threatened by anything that might surpass them. Emotional robots qualify, but I wish this piece had explored that concept a bit more. What exactly is the threat? Can a robot with emotions rise above humanity, or act irrationally and endanger humans?

As the story rolls
The story begins in a straightforward manner, immediately establishing setting and shortly thereafter, the conflict.

A bit more paragraphing to separate the characters actions would clear up some confusion. For example, after the man's dialogue, comes Suzie's reaction, which requires a new paragraph. After "Her internal temperature rose" another new paragraph is needed because the action switches to another character. Make sense? You can check for other instances.

Fine Tuning
Suzie’s blue eyes studied him, adding it to her memory file.
Should 'it' be him? Or is [it] his appearance?

A slip of concentration: down loaded should be downloaded.

7 appears to be incomplete because the thought is not carried through. The last sentence ends with the word [with].

Parting thoughts
I liked the idea that a robot's experiences could be downloaded to another before destruction. Suzie's conflict is resolved because another of her kind left her with a gift of something that might be called robot-love and knowledge that saved her.

You're off to a great start with this story! Please remember to ignore any comments that don't work for you. All I'm offering is one opinion. Keep writing!

** Image ID #1873619 Unavailable **

~Nixie

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

822

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4022182

Review of The Human Life Experience

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi there!

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

Overall Impression
The poetry expressed here deserves a larger audience. As one who cannot write poetry, and often avoids it, you cast a spell that held my eyes to the page.

Although you weren't showing the reader anything new, your unique take made this piece stand out. The lichen in the immigrant's headstone, the mention of Fibonacci, and the peace of snowflakes colliding, wound a sense of awe around my psyche.

What almost turned me away was the large, colored font repeating the title, and beneath, in bold, a repetition of the brief description. I'm not suggesting you change anything, merely showing you my take on the presentation. On the other hand, the poem is soft and subtle. The words preceding, as written, almost serve as an image to introduce the work.

The line beginning with 'lullabies' stretches far beyond the reaches of the symmetry of the overall work. I wondered why you didn't break it up to keep a unified format.

Most precious was the 'again' added to the line beginning with 'Joyfullness.' (It should be spelled joyfulness.)

In closing
I encourage you to find a group or contest with poetry as the main focus. Your work would have a larger readership, and you would have the opportunity to advance your skills or discover different techniques. Your work is an asset to the community.

Keep on writing!

** Image ID #1997248 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

823

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4021930

Review of The Gazebo Journals

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hi there!

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

Overall Impression
The beginning of something, hmm? I couldn't resist seeing what was going on in this piece. And I liked the title. It sounded both romantic and mysterious.

Setting/Plot/Characters
The story is all about Rebecca and her observations of the world that surrounds her. You've written a fine example of allowing the reader to experience the story through sight, sound, and smell. All you need is the sense of touch to complete the five senses.

I can't say the plot was captivating, I read more from curiosity than suspense or tension. Rebecca is presented at first as a sole character in the story. Her long skirts hinted at a past time, and once the quill and ink was introduced, the reader could surmise a general time in history. I wondered how the land could possibly belong to a seemingly young and inexperienced girl.

Enter Duck, and the plot assumes a whimsical air. Of all the side-kicks or secondary characters to choose from, a goose came to your mind. Quite a personable goose, who possibly adopted Rebecca as its own for purposes yet to be divulged. Although, I do hope Duck isn't an integral part of the plot.

When Rebecca returns home, an entire new scene is presented featuring a colorful character, complete with her own dialect. The transition was startling and puzzling, which, of course, made me want to continue reading.

So, this might evolve into the adventures of the unlikely pair, the 'regal' Rebecca and the surly maid, who is imprisoned not by slavery, but by circumstance.

Click here
Considerations ▼

In closing
The story has great potential, but it is rather a rough draft. Rebecca's not an extraordinary character, not yet, anyway, so enlivening her would be a challenge. At this point, Wilhelmina has all the wit and power of an interesting character.

I sense the history behind the story. With a bit of work, this story could go anywhere! You have the ability to write well, so keep on writing!

Please remember, I'm only offering the opinion of one person, and you're free to ignore my comments.

** Image ID #1997248 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

824

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4021795

Review of Mercy

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi there!

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

Overall Impression
Considering I was reviewing 'short stories written by newbies' I almost passed this by. You captured me with the title and brief description of 'an unlikely narrator'.

Absolutely none of this made sense to me, as I tried to guess who the narrator might be. When I reached the conclusion, everything fell into place, and I thought 'clever, very clever.'

Expecting this to be framed from a human's POV was my undoing. The beginning paragraph had human qualities to it. Who or what else would think in terms of 'neighbors'?

You must have written this with great deliberation, as you found several ways to create action, without giving away the environment. Any sense of a person making these observations quickly faded away.

Looking back, I should have been able to put the pieces together when the narrator experienced a prick and continued with the evolving and disturbing happenings.

The narrator even had its own personality, triumphing over its neighbors and being pleased with the culmination. It was a singular act, until the consequences of the actions grew in horror, and then, like any social creature, it looked back upon its own for comfort or clues.

Without giving away the conclusion, I was vastly relieved by the outcome.

WdC is populated by a diversity of authors, and although your 'story' wasn't what I was looking for, I still found it enjoyable. Keep up the good work!

** Image ID #1997248 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

825

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14 days may be credited.

#4021767

Review of The Furnace Monster (First Draft)

Review by Nixie

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi there!

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

!

Overall Impression
Your story delivered exactly what the brief introduction promised. I suppose a sense of horror should have been my overwhelming reaction, but more than a few parts of me felt as if justice had been served.

Setting/Plot/Characters
The father basically tormented his children with his stories, seeming to believe no harm was done. If a parent told me the belly button story and headed off for a custom screw driver, I would be hard put to trust a man like that.

What followed was mostly the telling of events, slightly interesting, but nothing attention grabbing or suspenseful. As the story wound down to the last moments, I realized why you included all the small details, and how they were necessary to complete the plot. However, there are alternatives you can try to enliven the story.

To break up these large blocks of narration, consider using more dialogue and winnowing out details that don't further the plot. This could be accomplished by presenting the story in the present, leading to the conclusion, rather than a summation of past events. If that works for you when you're ready to begin a second draft.

You included a sister, but she never had a significant place in the plot. This provides an excellent opportunity to bring the story out of 'telling' and more into 'showing'. Rather than the boy telling us what noises he heard, you can have an active scene between the siblings, where they whisper about the noises they hear. Since they are sharing a room, remember to include the sister when the monster comes out.

The description and details of the creature surfacing were effective in scaring me half to death. "Feline fluidity" was a fantastic descriptor!

While some readers may tire at the detailed description of how a furnace works, for me, it added more emphasis on the father's casual approach to something that frightens a child. The tension is high, especially when he asks,
"You do know what duct work is, right?"
I think I shivered when reading that sentence.

Practicing word economy in fiction is one way to keep a tight plot. Take a look at your first paragraph. This is your one chance to hook a reader. Much of it is repetitive. And, I don't think the grandfather's commentary added anything significant to the story. This is all up to you, of course.

Here's one quick example to condense a sentence, and make it more direct.
From the carpeting that had bare patches in
From the carpeting's bare patches

Look for lazy words like [very, really, just]. As part of dialogue they're acceptable, but they don't have any impact on the reader.

Keep in mind the difference between active versus passive verbs. Passive involves telling and slows down a story. There's nothing wrong with writing with passive verbs, in some stories it works to slow down a racing plot.

Consider what furthers the plot. For example, is the long paragraph about the dad's job necessary? Is it keeping the plot strong, or distracting the reader? Can the story be told without it? Ask yourself those questions every time you write.

Considerations
Remember to spell out numbers. 3 or 4. Three or four.

On your second edit, take care when placing commas.

In closing
Given the conclusion of the story, at least the children can remain with the mother!

All of my comments are subjective. One reader's reaction. What happens to your story is your decision. If a suggestion sounds off, then ignore it.

Most important of all? Keep on writing! Marking this as a 'first draft' shows reviewers your intention to improve, which should bring in some great feedback.

** Image ID #1997248 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .