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3,620 Public Reviews Given
3,659 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Template most of the time, covering setting/plot/characters/conflict/resolution if applicable. For shorter works, I concentrate more on feelings evoked.
I'm good at...
Short story, chapter reviews and in-depth reviews.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, Romance, mystery, children's, comedy
Least Favorite Genres
Historical
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novel chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
essay, editorial, non-fiction, somebody's homework assignment
I will not review...
*Bulletb* XGC, *Bulletb* Items that are written in a small font with little or no spacing, *Bulletb* I am unable to review any pieces involving abuse of any kind to anyone. I like to keep my corner or the world happy, because I grew beyond my "challenges" of childhood and don't want to look back.
Public Reviews
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851
851
Review of Beyond  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Spacey. Nixie, here. I found your poem here.
"Drama Newsletter (September 30, 2015)" Open in new Window. Congratulations!

Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.!*BalloonR*



Overall Impression
As I read this, the thought crossed my mind that the words could be a metaphor for a person imprisoned by making bad choices in life, or trapped because of circumstances. Circumstances, like poverty, are not likely to be overcome. But people have choices, and we're free to choose and choose again. Our thoughts direct our lives.

A few thoughts
Because the narrator talks about forgiveness, the possibility of true incarceration may have been the purpose here. I'm horrified when I imagine my life behind bars, having no control over my life.

One suggestion for aesthetics. The second to last line is off-balance with the other lines. It appears as a finger pointing. One way to keep the poem uniform, is to use enjambment. This means breaking a phrase and carrying it into the next line. For example, you might end the line with atone, and begin another with "for my cruel--"
There are specific rules for using enjambment, this suggestion refers to one example of how to use enjambment.

In the last line, there's a tiny typo. Im > I'm

Lasting Impression
Repeating the thought in the last line to refer back to the first was very effective in wrapping up this piece. With only a few lines, my mind whirled, pondering the possibilities and fretting over the literal interpretation. Nice work!





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852
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there. Nixie, here.




Overall Impression
I can't seem to stop laughing. Because it's your anniversary, I tried to find a story without a ribbon, but the title nabbed me, and I fell into the narrative.

Good grief, this narrator was hilarious. I liked the moments of utter confusion that quickly led to okay, I'll go along with that because it was told so reliably. The dusting, the spraying, the lost limbs, all of it was wonderful.

A few thoughts
The feeling of country and good old boys came through naturally, without trying to force dialect down the reader's throat. The mom played a great side character, the so-called sane person in the cast. But she ended up looking like a fussy person who nearly ruined her son's ability to function in life. Take down a person consistently, and never offer a compliment? The recipe for creating a personality disaster. Granddad, both dead and alive saved those boys.

*Thought*
The second paragraph was a bit confusing about what house they were in.
Numbers less than twenty should be spelled out.
Some of the sentences in parentheses went on a bit too long, fostering more confusion when clarity was needed, due to the wonderful absurdity of this story.


Lasting Impression
When the narrator started dating? Great move to bring the plot forward. When he finally finds his girl, she one-ups him? I almost wish that hadn't been the conclusion. Granddad by himself was the best. And I wanted it to stay that way.

Great write, all the way around.



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853
853
Review of On the Farm  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window. *CakeB*


Hi, Kat. Nixie, here.

Overall Impression
Cute story written in 2007, edited in 2008. Looking back, how do you feel about your writing now? I know mine has improved since joining!

Thoughts
A farm setting settles in the reader's mind as a safe place, where simple fun and hard work was Life on the Farm. That's what we all want, right?

A few things struck me here. The childhood adventures were non-stop. The barrel rolling inside the barrel? Insanity. The moment where the narrator stands up to Harry was precious. And then the flip side, she experienced the zing of control. That made me laugh.

For a while, one of my daughters owned a cow ranch. She actually tamed the bull so she could walk right up to it and touch his nose. Crazy, right?

Well, if you want me to believe this girl never stepped on a cow pie, then my 'befriend the bull' story is true, as well.

In closing
As a kid, I learned never to tell my mom I was bored. One day, she had me out there trying to salt a bird's tail. In this story, with a gang of friends and the awesome place to play, I'm sure those words were never spoken.

Nice job bringing the story 'round to the beginning by observing the rocks. I think the story would be more enjoyable if it was lifted out of the telling and into the showing. You've probably heard that a time or two, though. Happy Anniversary!

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854
854
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi, Q. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.!*BalloonR*





Overall Impression
Hmm. Readers will appreciate your effort to reach out and share what you've learned along your path.

A few thoughts
However, if you want appreciation from your readers, the work needs some editing. Your thoughts are unclear because everything is lumped together, almost like a stream of consciousness.

Why not try some paragraphing? Your friend's statement sounds profound, but it's very difficult to discern the exact meaning. I would give those thoughts a separate paragraph.

Correct punctuation will clear up more confusion.

What works for me is to live with no expectations, as applied to a general principle, not each and every moment. It only takes practice. I'm only human, so sometimes I need an affirmation statement to boost me up. If a certain situation is stressing me, I take a step back and consider how little it means in the wide arc of living.

All 'I's' need to be capitalized.

Lasting Impression
One way to work through our thoughts and feelings is the act of writing. Every one is be to respected. If you really want readers to hear your message, you might consider cleaning this up a bit. But don't give up! Keep writing and reviewing. You'll see examples that will help you grow in your skills.



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855
855
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Noelle. Nixie, here.





Overall Impression
When I came across this item, I had to review it. New York is my native state, and we had a cabin on Kayuta Lake that sounds much the same as yours. It was just an old fishing camp that my dad renovated. It had one tiny bathroom and kitchen. Two bedrooms and for lack of a better explanation, a great room. The central room in the cabin, with a huge window facing the lake. Those were golden moments, and your work brought me back there.

A few thoughts
Excellent job bringing this scene alive in the reader's mind. The words were poetic without going into purplish prose. At times, my eyes moistened, especially the part about the trees reaching in thirst. I liked how you worded the 'sand beneath your sandals' sentences. Visual and luxurious, not overdone.

Lasting Impression
Just when I thought this piece had given all, the last line caught me in the heart. What a beautiful sight to remember and pass on to the rest of us.



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856
856
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, TJ Marie. Nixie, here.




Overall Impression
My first guess that this was a prompted contest was correct. I like it when writers leave in the word counts after the contest, so the reviewer is aware the author was constrained by conditions.

We rise to the occasion, take a deep breath, and start writing.

A few thoughts
I've always dreamed of owning a small shop, not for spirits and the like, but a curiosity shop of sorts, so that's how I connected to the story. It also made me think of the TV series Grimm. Donna was bright and sweet, but also careful in her instructions, which held a bit of boding.

The plot moves swiftly toward a conflict, and it's a good one. You ran Susie right into a scene that both tested her, and then demonstrated her personality.

It's unusual to simply state what's happening, as happened in the first sentence and then appears throughout. It's a shortcut, and a distraction, for me. And I'm stressing, for me. Not for everyone.


Lasting Impression
Good point about not being able to control nature. We can destroy it, though.

When I finished reading this, I was left with a smile at the quirky and unexpected actions of the elf. Of all the places he might have gone. I think you had fun writing this.

Susie discovers the true meaning of Christmas from her perspective. I see hers as learning to give rather than receive. Nicely done!



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857
857
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, Rhychus. Nixie, here.




Overall Impression
This poem is funny, ironic and tragic. And confusing.

A few thoughts
Because I didn't recognize Drix Ranze, High Abbeth of Phapes, Sedway, or Phapanites I googled them all, with no results that shed light.

It appears this is your own original work. You have three reviews, all five stars, so maybe I'm the only one who's baffled.

Advancement of man is more like an obliteration of humankind. Whoever the Phapanites are, they're very limited in their perceptions. I caught the irony in the last sentence, but with no references to go on, confusion never resolved to clarity.

All those issues aside, taking the poem at face value, I enjoyed the rhyming scheme. And the visual images created had me grinning. Feet attached to the rear? *Laugh*

The inability to reproduce would reduce the overpopulation. At some point, we'd be extinct. And clones would take our place. All this makes sense to Drix and Phapanites?

Lasting Impression
Since more and more of us are succumbing to the virtual world, these new adaptions don't sound totally far-fetched.

I can't shake the sinking feeling that the joke is on me. I'm the only one who doesn't get the message. Am I looking for too much meaning in something that was written to make people laugh? I feel like an idiot.*Facepalm* Generally, I don't review something beyond my scope of understanding. But I was here and I read the poem, so why not send a review?



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858
858
Review of The Gamer  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, Michael. Nixie, here.




Overall Impression
Pardon me a moment while I step into this alien world. I'm no gamer, but I enjoyed reading the story. I went back and forth with my emotions.

A few thoughts
What a statement. He hides from the horrible real world so he can play in his virtual horrible world. And he's blind to the irony.

Clever, making up the drink Narconade and the Hypno-Helmet. I was thinking it was wetware, but thankfully, no. Just a sim helmet. At least his gaming life is having some effect on his body, even if he's unaware.

Lasting Impression
You found the ultimate conclusion. This guy's paranoia was hot lava, emboldening him to go after the neighbor, the destroyer of games and his life. But whoops. Was there some spillage from virtual to real? Because when the lights flickered and went out, when the smells and the sounds were all to real, the gamer was entering life for the first time since beginning the game. He'd created his own reality, and I don't think he's going to be a survivor.

Sounds like you had fun writing this. *Thumbsup*

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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Oldwarrior. Nixie, here.




Overall Impression
I think it's awesome that a classic bug movie from the 1950's motivated you to write this story. Now, I'm no fan of bug movies from any era, but your plot interested me.

A few thoughts
I won't be the first one to mention the story is mostly told, and not shown. Maybe, for this story there had to be mostly telling just to get the facts across to build the story. And the facts are there. I've been reading about IceCube, a facility in Antarctica, so it was fun for me to see McMurdo Station included in the story. Research for any story is essential, even for fiction. And my research matches yours.

I'll just show you one thing with this sentence.
t didn’t sound like an exciting field of work, but Yoshida loved it. [It was like being a time detective.]
He was a time detective.
The shortened sentence has more power and it's stronger. By taking this bold leap, Yoshida'a personality is revealed.


Lasting Impression
Everyone has their own style. Me? I'm a dialogue/conflict writer. The character is everything.

Whenever I read or hear about drilling, I keep thinking it's the dumbest thing in the world. What's under there should be left there. But that would mean no scientific gains and absolutely no science fiction stories. What makes some people want to see what's in those eggs, while others like me cringe and shrink away? Have fun.



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860
860
Review of Clean Up  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi there. Nixie.




Overall Impression
I liked this story right from the start, and that's a compliment coming from me. I am not a fan of narrator's speaking to the reader. But then you switched it up.
By the way, thanks for the beer mate
So the narrator was talking to someone at the bar. Just missing a comma after beer to separate the nickname, mate.

A few thoughts
I had grave misgivings about reading further into this work. I've come across so many horror stories, I had to toughen up if I wanted to continue reviewing this genre.

Well, simply by the title, Cleanup Crew tells its own story, and I was braced for something disgusting and over the top gross. And it sort of was that way, but I only skimmed that section with my eyes to get the general idea. I don't want any nightmares.

Lasting Impression
The narrator was like everyone's impression of Joe. Just a regular bloke, who made a name for himself and his partner. This character is golden. I liked him immediately. And even without a physical description, I formed an image. (You might want to add a little something about physical attributes. It could be something as easy as stairs creaking from his weight.)

I think this character is a keeper, and maybe you can use him in other stories. Good characters are hard to come by. Don't let yours slip away. Although he might want a new job.

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861
861
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Lynn. Nixie, here.





Overall Impression
Have you ever wanted to stop into a story and scream at the characters? When Maris and Ian chose New England over Florida, much as I don't like the heat here, I was yelling, No, no, no! Excellent job setting the scene and giving the reader a heart attack. Just kidding.

What struck me as unique were all the sounds and smells you incorporated. And even though you were describing similar scenes, you found different things for the characters to notice. No repetition there. And your words made me feel the autumn air and then the winter. Those New England winters can be brutal.

But what we're they thinking? Buying a house near a body of water named Black Shore? Good grief, Maris's dream had slipped away into her subconscious.

I appreciated the reference to the dialect. I lived in Maine for seven years, and it was a long time before I could understand half of what the people were saying. "Ayuh" sums it up perfectly, and puts the idea of the inflection into the reader's mind.

A few thoughts
horrified by his words --and she dropped the knife,horrified.
Just a thesaurus required here to avoid the duplication.

glancing at him searchingly.
A stronger verb might work better than tacking on an adverb to show Ian's expression. Or even, [Ian said, searching his face.] would work.

Lasting Impression
You played out the plot at a deliciously slow speed, keeping the mood mellow and warm. I remember the huge oil tank we had in the basement and the one time my husband forgot to check the levels. We woke to a freezing house and had to pay extra for an emergency delivery. Huh. Your story brought back that memory.

I wasn't relieved by any of this soft stuff. Vivid dreams like Maris had should never be ignored. But this was more a case of lost in her subconscious.

Well, you still got me in the end with that little twist. This is the only horror story I've read recently that dealt with a normal human experience to inflict the shivers on the reader. I much prefer this to messy horror, and I think this kind of horror makes for a better read. At least for me. Great work, here.

I appreciated the foot notes, by the way. The link doesn't work anymore, though.

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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, Fran. Nixie, here.

*StarR*
Overall Impression
The story began on such a personal level, I was pulled up short by the pronoun he. Only then did I check the genre. Okay, so the story is about a boy. Got it.

This eighteen-year-old boy looking back, diagnosed himself as depressed from the age of six? I shouldn't find this unbelievable, but I questioned it. He must have been born with a chemical imbalance, because the bullying would have resulted in situational depression, not clinical. So a little confusion there.

The story goes on and the reader is introduced to the compassionate dad. I wonder how long it took him before he realized his son had a problem? It sounded like the boy had been making excuses for a long time.

In the paragraph beginning with: When I was ten, I didn't understand this sentence. learning at the rate of knots

Sorry! Maybe this is an expression I've never heard before, because I can't conjure a suggestion for alternate wording. Which generally means I misunderstood the obvious.

*StarR*
Parting thoughts
I wish the boy had spent more time with Scorpio, or maybe if more was written about the experiences boy and horse shared. Scorpio might have saved the boy from getting tossed down a cliff, or whatever. I don't want to go on since this isn't my writing.

Your story gave me pause. Outside of professional horse racing, maybe girls are more prone to horseback riding. I can't remember any boys enrolled in my lessons. An interesting point to make. The boy, now a man still felt out of place.

He had good reason to finally bond with the animal. I wanted to lead him out there myself. I loved the part where he studied in the stable.

I wondered why the mom chose a horse and not a dog or cat? I'd much rather own a horse, but they are a lot of work. And with her son gone, the mom is left with the responsibility.

The main point, the horse helping the boy into college, might have been further developed for deeper reader immersion.

Keep on writing!

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863
863
Review of Motherhood  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Harry > Nixie, here.


*Captainwheel*
Thoughts/Impressions
Question first. I had to goggle storoem to find the meaning, which brought me to a Facebook page. Then I clicked the link you included. Are you telling me that Harry G. is your father? The man who coined the word storoem?

The technique was demonstrated here. A piece longer than a poem that tells a story. Quatrains were used. Also, enjambment. The abab rhyming mostly worked. discipline/men fell a bit short.


What I liked the most
The message you were imparting rang true. Nature can appear to a human as violent. Choosing a lion to contrast the abusive mother honed the point. What the lioness does is merely her nature, she's the animal she was meant to be.

The mother was not the woman she was meant to be. Or maybe she was. But humans have compassion, which cannot be confused with the lioness. As humans, we are responsible, we answer to each other, our horribleness hopefully gets exposed.


Lasting Impression
There's only one other species who kills their own. That this mother would kill her own and not take responsibility for it sickened me. To break a child before she can flourish. To destroy a life through cruelty? Unforgivable.

We're all privy to human violence through social media. After watching a nature show, you showed us the opposite in human behavior. I'm leaving this storem behind, feeling saddened and disgusted. Your words reached out and grabbed me. The one way I counteract the darker side of humanity? I keep my little corner of the world filled with kindness.

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864
864
Review of Derailed  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, Gaby. Nixie, here




Overall Impression
I remember this prompt, but not what I wrote. Derailed hit the action/adventure running. I'm sort of stuck on why would she deliberately walk through the puddle? For purposes to add tension, it worked. I can imagine her trying to hide her shoes from inquisitive eyes.

A few thoughts
I can't remember if the prompt said the character could not call the police. Maybe you chose differently so you could put your character through the ropes, squeezing every drop of tenacity and bravery from her.

Add in two men in raincoats. Viola! Instant threat of menace. But she managed to escape them. The description of the phone booth worked great because I'm not sure there are any of those left. And if there are a few, I just know they would look like the one you described.

The funniest part was the bubblegum stuck in her pocket. Excellent insertion of comedic relief. And it also showed her relative age. Not many older people still chew bubble gum. I'm placing her at around thirty.

*Note*
the package he handed me held tightly in my hand.
The repeated use of hand/handed could use some revision.

I could feel the relief sweep over me,
Avoid distancing words like [feel] Go for the whole shebang. Make it direct. Relief swept over me.

gunshot could be heard and[.] in the next second,
misplaced punctuation?

Lasting Impression
Once she reached Jerry, I was confident all would end well for the contents of the package. Whatever those numbers meant, good or bad, at least the item would not be in her possession anymore. It would be someone else's problem.

When she saw Jerry approaching, my mind flashed danger. I suspected the raincoats would make another attempt. But I didn't expect the final outcome. I'd be in a total panic, not observing the irony. But it was ironic.

Prompts are hard to work with. Great job concocting this adventure!



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865
865
Review of A Trunk's Tale  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there. Nixie, here.


*Asteriskbr*
Thoughts/Impressions
Pardon me for asking a question in the beginning. How did the possum get in her trunk? She looked in there and didn't see it. Did I miss a time frame when she wasn't with her car and there was an opportunity for the mother to climb up in there?

*Asteriskbr*
What I liked the most
I was able to identify with the woman because I have an older Jeep that I'd dearly love to replace. But the thought of adding car payments to my budget is a big deterrent.

Can my least favorite character be a favorite part? Oh, the first time he called me little lady, I would have been out of there. He must some old curmudgeon because he's risking a lot if he doesn't realize he's being condescending.

*Penb*
Don't sweat the small stuff
I slammed the hood shut
I think you meant trunk, since that's where she was looking.

*Asteriskbr*
Lasting Impression
Now I must express my glee *Laugh* that the salesman got scared. Serves him right. I hope he's traumatized for the rest of his life. And even has continuing nightmares. Okay, he doesn't deserve that.

You wrapped this story up in the best possible way. That's one of the best one-liners I've ever read. Deathly hilarious. Well done!

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866
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Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Princess. Nixie, here.


*Captainwheel*
Thoughts/Impressions
Seems I stepped into the middle of a series when I stumbled across this piece. Reading Jane Austen's books was something I loved at the time, but now the interest has faded. And that is one of the reasons I wanted to read this piece.

*Captainwheel*
What I liked the most
Your writing style floats between telling and showing, with a good amount of dialogue. The story has passages of just giving information to the reader. Several times, readers are told how the characters feel.

From reading a few of your other pieces, I think this is your choice. You like writing this way, so I won't make any suggestions.

Overall, the story was cute. Jennifer and Megan have fallen in love, but now they have to tell the truth and hope they don't lose the Miles and Bradley. I was worried about Jennifer when I read the sentence about her packing a bag in case Bradley wanted her gone. The girls were so vulnerable, but this sentence struck me the most.

Bradley and Miles asked relevant questions, considering the time period and what little information they had. I can imagine them thinking witches, merely because they have no other explanation.

The scenes are briefly sketched, nothing too elaborate, but always a sense of place. The story is primarily dialogue, which is my favorite part in any story. Especially when it's used, as in this story, to advance the plot.

Something of interest. Princess Diana was not loved by the Brits.

Jennifer has a solid paragraph of dialogue that might sound better broken up with interruptions, or maybe Megan picking up the story here and there.

*Captainwheel*
Lasting Impression
I was slightly scandalized. Unmarried couples were intimate with each other in the 1800's? That's news to me.

You keep on writing what you like, Princess. That's what I'm doing.

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867
Review of Night of Lights  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi! Nixie, here with a review from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.purchased by Agape Novels Author Icon

*Boat2*
Overall Impression
An interesting story of contrasts with a tragic conclusion.

I liked the way this story began, the narrator pulling the reader into the drama. Who wouldn't want to hear her story? Some authors prefer to tell their stories. I thought this one was a terrific candidate for show vs. tell. Hearing these characters speak would create a much bigger impact on the reader. Some of the story needs to be straight out told, but there are so many opportunities for sparkling dialogue, I can't resist suggesting it.

One question. The narrator is with her church group, no specific location indicated. In the next paragraph, she's in a restaurant. Did I miss something, or should there be a transitional sentence or two in there? Or is she already at the restaurant. I think this could be cleared up.

*Boat2*
Emotional Chord struck
I never had the feeling these two belonged together. Possibly because there was very little dialogue--I caught not sparks between them. I've heard it said that some men can only love one woman, and Mr. Hollywood was one of them. She seemed so logical and honest about where the relationship was headed. Just friends.

Fascinating that Jim didn't see it that way at all. His perception was that what he had to give wasn't enough. Nothing she said, and all her arguments were sound, could have changed his mind.

*Boat2*
Closing comments
Jim sounded kind of dry, and yes, old. A flat character with nothing but goodness. Everything was always sunny with him. Honestly, this woman might be better off alone than with this guy. He's already lived the life he wanted. Dummy. *Rolleyes*

Keep on writing!

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Review of What's Behind Me?  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi there. Nixie, here.


*Captainwheel*
Thoughts/Impressions
Crazy funny dialogue made this story even more enjoyable. Considering all the characters, I shocked myself by keeping them all straight. Usually, my mind gets all jammed up with who's who, but your dialogue tags and character actions helped. Well done!

*Captainwheel*
What I liked the most
I liked everything in the story, but you worked magic with the dialogue. Best line? "Oh, the fat kid--" *Laugh*

On a deeper level, the story demonstrates how we are all slaves of perception. Some of the plot reminded me of Grimm where a majority of the non-humans crave privacy.

Only a few action beats were required to keep the plot running. Mostly, a lot of looking behind and discovering. The girl scout cookies were introduced into this playful encounter, and even Jesse was ordering while she was still in the tree!

“What happened to Richie[] then?”
Just a missing comma.

*Captainwheel*
Lasting Impression
I think this story was the ultimate length. Too much would have been overdone and worn out the reader.

In the conclusion, just when I thought everything was resolved, you threw in a twist that actually related back to the story. *Checkg*

Thanks for all the smiles you gave me while I read.

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Rated: E | (5.0)


Hi, Tim Chiu. Nixie, here.

Overall Impression
Oh good grief, have you seen this happen to me? On more than one occasion? I'm nearly night-blind, but there's many times when I have to drive after dark. Sometimes, when the turn lanes are very wide, I end up in the oncoming lane. Last week, I had to drive over a median to get into the right lane. I was lucky. Both times, there was no oncoming traffic.

The worst time was in New York State when I was driving up an exit ramp off the highway. Trucks were barreling down, and lucky for me I was driving a Z28 and squished it over into the gravel on the side. This wonderful man helped me back it down to the opening.

Since I was alone, I screamed over and over again. "I can't do this." as I drove home. I actually made my ears bleed.

Only one time I drove into oncoming traffic and was faced with a slew of vehicles coming at me, horns blaring. Fast as I could, I yanked the Z into a parking lot, turned off the car and crumpled against the steering wheel. I sensed someone pull up next to me, but I waited several minutes before lifting my head. When I did, a woman was parked next to me. "Are you okay?" she asked. I'll never forget her kindness and patience, waiting for me to recover.


Lasting Impression
All these words of mine were prompted by what you wrote. It's like you had a window into my life, and all these experiences had to come out.

You did a great job demonstrating the panic, while keeping a level head. Much more so than me! And then, in the last two sentences, came a complete surprise. Words I didn't anticipate and struck me as unique. What would a life without fear be like? When I think about it, there's absolutely nothing to be afraid of. Bar driving into the wrong lane.

I rarely say this because it sounds meaningless.

Thanks for your words, today.

~Nixie



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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Jeff. Nixie, here.


*Type*
Overall Impression
Jeff, I'm so accustomed to your writing, this story surprised me. You're probably not overly interested in another review for a past event, but you're getting one anyway. *Laugh*


*Type*
Setting/Plot/Characters
Deviating from your later works, the story begins on a placid note. Except for the part where Lena found out how long she would be paying off her student loan. I wondered why she went against her family's wishes for her? She rejected all the Ivy League colleges to be a teacher? I'd like Lina to teach my kids, if she's that dedicated to her profession. Good teachers are gems.

The story erupts with the men streaking. Gosh, do they still do that?

I was astonished to find some telling in here, not staying in the first person POV. If my guess is correct, this was written quickly for a challenge. It does tell a funny story. But it's lacking your distinctive flair.

More questions. Wasn't Lena worried that the streaker might be too young for her? He sounded like a seventeen or eighteen year old to her.

*Crown*
Stand out moments
Your word and verb choices always keep a story thrumming with action. You make it look so easy to find different ways to show the same scene. I liked the alliteration in this one.

procession of guys dwindled and disappeared

*Type*
Considerations
You actually used the word 'suddenly' three times in this story. One time in the same sentence.

Just a little typo here
trampled across the campus is a marching line,
[in a marching line]

"seemingly nice"
"a pretty productive first day"
This doesn't sound like your writing at all!

*Type*
Lasting Impression
Well, now I'm feeling as if I'm bashing your story. I was shocked, that's all.

Technically, there's absolutely nothing wrong with this story.

I'll just be on my way. You won't even see me leaving. There, now I'm gone.


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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, J.C. Shaner. Nixie, here.

Welcome to WDC from
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*StarR*
Overall Impression
Your opening paragraphs painted a vivid image so real it brought tears to my eyes. (I lost my dad recently.)

When the son leaves his watch with his father, the action and words sounded like foreshadowing. I can't wait to find out.

Select words sounded alien and futuristic, adding to the realism of the plot. Chrome Command was the most expressive, considering what the words stood for.

*StarR*
Plot/Setting/Characters
Let me begin by highlighting the beginning of Josiah's speech.
"Into the dark of space, light is sent--

The plot is fairly straightforward. Human expansion, Intelligence societies, pirates, all coming together to force the protagonist into action. Add in the profit-driven people who care nothing for indigenous life.

These conflicts will be Josiah's proving ground. Toss him into the worst situations you can think of. Plague him with morally-ambiguous decisions. Don't forget the girl. She can be a source of comfort and/or antagonism. Maybe she'll be Josiah's buddy. Or perhaps Hammond?

*Worry* The oh-no moment. Enter the conflict. *Checkg*

Uulian free of intelligent life forms 'accessible' that everything had gone wrong.

Later, while the mom prattles on about Josiah choosing his own destiny, the reader already knows his intent. I suggest you tighten up this dialogue. It goes on far too long.

Generally, dialogue should be no more than three or four sentences per character. Otherwise the reader might lose interest.

Josiah's mom's words are a necessary element for the plot, but maybe she could speak a little less, move a little more.

Here's an excellent example of short, clever dialogue.
"You're putting me to sleep, Arn.

Showing vs. Telling
not releasing his tense grip on the railing--"
The entire paragraph is a fantastic example of showing vs. telling.

Choose different actions for characters, unless you're demonstrating a personality quirk. *Pointright* The only problem in the highlighted phrase above is the repetition of this action in other parts of the story.

Something to keep in mind. The plot requires a lot of explaining. I would try to work more of it into the dialogue or action, rather than lengthy paragraphs of information.


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*StarR*
Parting thoughts
Overall, a story I could dive into. After the roller coaster of emotions, I was fired up and enthused at the conclusion. I felt like fist-punching the air. "You go get 'em, Josiah!"

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Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi B Evans. Nixie, here.


Overall Impression
Such an interesting font for this story, it captured my eye and it was pleasant to read. That's just appearances, though. But first impressions can be the difference between a story read and one passed by. A piece like this, with proper paragraphing and no typos is an immediate draw.

A few thoughts
You have the story-teller's touch. I swear I've heard a similar story one thousand times, that's how comfortable I felt while reading this. I pictured that mutt in my mind and thought, "yuck."

Your chatty writing style flowed naturally into the telling of the dog's owner. You gave the reader several different images of the togetherness, rather than harping on one. Nicely done.

I had to laugh when you explained what "Bless his heart" means. The explanation was absolutely on the money.

Lasting Impression
I knew the adventure of the two would come to an end, and even the sadness of how the dog died didn't wound me. I expected nothing less from the animal. But you did get me in the end.

Clever twist. Keep on writing!



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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Kiya. Nixie, here.


*Captainwheel*
Thoughts/Impressions
I just sort of happened across this and wanted to take a moment to reflect on this theme.

*Captainwheel*
Digging deeper
Every time I give an award, a word of advice appears. I finally figured out what it meant to give all your rewards a special name.

"A few of my Favorite Things" is absolutely perfect. I love the bright and cheerful header image. It sets the mood for good things to follow.

The cover art is clever. It made me think of writers as open canvasses. Okay, not so original on my part, but I'll just say one thing. I don't write in oranges. *Laugh*

You're keeping this page fairly active, having been edited last year. I'm happy it came my way. I was impressed by how you gave each item a little preview and talked about the authors and what they mean to you.

We're a large community, but we're also very small when it comes to interacting with others. This kind of positivity keeps our WdC world whirling. Some of the authors I recognized, many I did not. I even found two moderators unknown to me. I guess with a hundred mods, it's not so very hard to miss meeting some of them.

I've always considered you inspirational, and this work is just one more example of your community commitment and awareness.

Shh. I don't think anyone has a cooler web page than yours. *Thumbsup*


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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hi, Linkachu. Nixie, here.


Overall Impression
My first words after reading this? "Well, that's very disturbing." The title seemed innocent, and nothing in the brief description gave the plot away. *Checkg*

Since this is such a brief piece, the greatest skill you can wield to capture your reader is surprise.

A few thoughts
Unfortunately, much of the second paragraph was lost to me. An inexperienced whelp? After four or five readings, I think you're saying someone new to this line of work might steal something. And some are clueless enough to do so before the deed, arousing suspicion in the target? Huh, I just figured that out by writing it. *Laugh* So, how can you make it easier for the next reader? What about beginning a new paragraph since the action shifts from the target to someone else?

Lasting Impression
The bonus? You've left enough details so readers can probably guess what's coming in the conclusion. Except you challenged a preconceived notion. You did have me wondering after I read the description of the dagger. Still, I was surprised. Good work!



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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Georgian Elise. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
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Overall Impression
I'm not quite sure how to approach this story. It's long and drawn out, which detracted from the tension I expected. Cutting back on the passive sentences would help.

"I could see a slightly distorted image of myself in the glass,"
I peered in the glass at my distorted image.

"Where I was sitting there was a leak in the window putty"
To the right, A saw a leak in the window putty.

In the story, is this the great grandfather's house that was taken by the government? If so, how did they get it back?

I apologize for all the confusion on my part.

*Door*

After all the description, this phrase chilled me to the core.
" forgot to lock the door"

Good grief, how could she forget? And yet she makes it safely back down into the protective circle.

I'm not clear on who this person is, or how old. How long has the imprisonment lasted? I don't understand why leaving would bring harm. The bad things only come at night.

A few thoughts
people are getting weary of > wary

But in the currant depression > current
currant dazed state > current

incase of a break in. > in case of

the floorboards on which I stepped groaned >the floor boards groaned. (We know she's stepping on the floor)

I hadnât eaten anything in 3 days now. > hadn't
Spell out numbers less than 20 > three days

open the window because they are all bordered up > boarded up

In several places, the verb tense shifts. Here's one example.
About 2 hours later I welcomed the first spit of rain as it gracefully slip down
About two hours later, I welcomed...as it gracefully slipped down

In fiction, nothing begins. It happens.
I began to open the cupboard doors furiously > I opened

corner of the forth draw. > fourth drawer

o steel me away in the night. > steal me

Lasting Impression
While this story seemed too drawn out, I respect a writer's perspective and style. Cleaning up the spelling and verb tense errors would improve the story. That part is basic editing, nothing difficult. *Checkg*

Keep writing. Keep reviewing! Learn from others. *Wink*



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