*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/nixie9/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/28
Review Requests: OFF
3,291 Public Reviews Given
3,330 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Template most of the time, covering setting/plot/characters/conflict/resolution if applicable. For shorter works, I concentrate more on feelings evoked.
I'm good at...
Short story, chapter reviews and in-depth reviews.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, Romance, mystery, children's
Least Favorite Genres
Historical
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novel chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
essay, editorial, non-fiction, somebody's homework assignment
I will not review...
XGC, poems, prose. I am an animal activist and vegan, so cruelty or violent, unnecessary, death due to negligence is overwhelming. I am unable to review any pieces involving abuse of any kind to anyone. I like to keep my corner or the world happy, because I grew beyond my "challenges" of childhood and don't want to look back.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 24 25 26 27 -28- 29 30 31 32 33 ... Next
676
676
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*




Hi B Evans. Nixie, here.


Overall Impression
Such an interesting font for this story, it captured my eye and it was pleasant to read. That's just appearances, though. But first impressions can be the difference between a story read and one passed by. A piece like this, with proper paragraphing and no typos is an immediate draw.

A few thoughts
You have the story-teller's touch. I swear I've heard a similar story one thousand times, that's how comfortable I felt while reading this. I pictured that mutt in my mind and thought, "yuck."

Your chatty writing style flowed naturally into the telling of the dog's owner. You gave the reader several different images of the togetherness, rather than harping on one. Nicely done.

I had to laugh when you explained what "Bless his heart" means. The explanation was absolutely on the money.

Lasting Impression
I knew the adventure of the two would come to an end, and even the sadness of how the dog died didn't wound me. I expected nothing less from the animal. But you did get me in the end.

Clever twist. Keep on writing!



A beautiful Simply Positive Reviewing Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
677
677
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Kiya. Nixie, here.


*Captainwheel*
Thoughts/Impressions
I just sort of happened across this and wanted to take a moment to reflect on this theme.

*Captainwheel*
Digging deeper
Every time I give an award, a word of advice appears. I finally figured out what it meant to give all your rewards a special name.

"A few of my Favorite Things" is absolutely perfect. I love the bright and cheerful header image. It sets the mood for good things to follow.

The cover art is clever. It made me think of writers as open canvasses. Okay, not so original on my part, but I'll just say one thing. I don't write in oranges. *Laugh*

You're keeping this page fairly active, having been edited last year. I'm happy it came my way. I was impressed by how you gave each item a little preview and talked about the authors and what they mean to you.

We're a large community, but we're also very small when it comes to interacting with others. This kind of positivity keeps our WdC world whirling. Some of the authors I recognized, many I did not. I even found two moderators unknown to me. I guess with a hundred mods, it's not so very hard to miss meeting some of them.

I've always considered you inspirational, and this work is just one more example of your community commitment and awareness.

Shh. I don't think anyone has a cooler web page than yours. *Thumbsup*


** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
678
678
Review of Surprise  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*




Hi, Linkachu. Nixie, here.


Overall Impression
My first words after reading this? "Well, that's very disturbing." The title seemed innocent, and nothing in the brief description gave the plot away. *Checkg*

Since this is such a brief piece, the greatest skill you can wield to capture your reader is surprise.

A few thoughts
Unfortunately, much of the second paragraph was lost to me. An inexperienced whelp? After four or five readings, I think you're saying someone new to this line of work might steal something. And some are clueless enough to do so before the deed, arousing suspicion in the target? Huh, I just figured that out by writing it. *Laugh* So, how can you make it easier for the next reader? What about beginning a new paragraph since the action shifts from the target to someone else?

Lasting Impression
The bonus? You've left enough details so readers can probably guess what's coming in the conclusion. Except you challenged a preconceived notion. You did have me wondering after I read the description of the dagger. Still, I was surprised. Good work!



A beautiful Simply Positive Reviewing Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
679
679
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Georgian Elise. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*





Overall Impression
I'm not quite sure how to approach this story. It's long and drawn out, which detracted from the tension I expected. Cutting back on the passive sentences would help.

"I could see a slightly distorted image of myself in the glass,"
I peered in the glass at my distorted image.

"Where I was sitting there was a leak in the window putty"
To the right, A saw a leak in the window putty.

In the story, is this the great grandfather's house that was taken by the government? If so, how did they get it back?

I apologize for all the confusion on my part.

*Door*

After all the description, this phrase chilled me to the core.
" forgot to lock the door"

Good grief, how could she forget? And yet she makes it safely back down into the protective circle.

I'm not clear on who this person is, or how old. How long has the imprisonment lasted? I don't understand why leaving would bring harm. The bad things only come at night.

A few thoughts
people are getting weary of > wary

But in the currant depression > current
currant dazed state > current

incase of a break in. > in case of

the floorboards on which I stepped groaned >the floor boards groaned. (We know she's stepping on the floor)

I hadnât eaten anything in 3 days now. > hadn't
Spell out numbers less than 20 > three days

open the window because they are all bordered up > boarded up

In several places, the verb tense shifts. Here's one example.
About 2 hours later I welcomed the first spit of rain as it gracefully slip down
About two hours later, I welcomed...as it gracefully slipped down

In fiction, nothing begins. It happens.
I began to open the cupboard doors furiously > I opened

corner of the forth draw. > fourth drawer

o steel me away in the night. > steal me

Lasting Impression
While this story seemed too drawn out, I respect a writer's perspective and style. Cleaning up the spelling and verb tense errors would improve the story. That part is basic editing, nothing difficult. *Checkg*

Keep writing. Keep reviewing! Learn from others. *Wink*



A beautiful Simply Positive Reviewing Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
680
680
Review of H Syndrome  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Abaris. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*





Overall Impression
I found your story here "Action/Adventure Newsletter (September 23, 2015)"  and zeroed in on the unusual title. It gave me the impression of the fantasy genre, but I read the story anyway.

*Note* Your story will gain more exposure if you list it as Short Story, not fiction.

A few thoughts
The newsletter I referenced emphasized the need to keep the heat on an adventure story, bumping up the action, leaving no drawn out breaks in time. The action popped off this page, and although the plot strayed from anything I usually read, I was still spellbound.

What an incredible job, shifting through time and setting sequences. The power in your words created rising tension. I was totally confused, which was a good thing. Nothing made sense as my guesses shifted from scene to scene. What happened in the beginning in no way connected with the conclusion. Maybe if the story concluded with Colin reappearing in the bedroom scene would create a story arc.

Lasting Impression
Here and there I discovered a smattering of small hiccups that need editing. Nothing detracted from the plot, though.

I'm still not absolutely certain what I read, but my heartbeat is elevated. You put me right into the action and made me champion the characters. The scene in the Caledonian Forest, Scotland AD 2083 was magnificent. *Checkg*

What does the title mean? Are more chapters coming up? Keep on writing!



A beautiful Simply Positive Reviewing Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
681
681
Review of Beyond the mask  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, A.C. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*





Overall Impression
I'm left with a bit of a puzzle. If the narrator is 12 years old, how has he been working for fifteen years at the C.I.A. What am I missing?

And who is her?

The narrative plays out
An agent feeling as if everyone is watching? I thought this was an astute observation. After years of spying on others, some paranoia must settle in.

Paragraphing would help in the transitions. He's talking about James in the past, but then we return to the present. What day had he been quiet? He was happily touring in the narrator's head. Now maybe it's just me, but I think some clarity is needed here.

It was an interesting observation for the narrator to try and hide his reddened hand. Why not let it be visible, but show no reaction? That would be demonstrating a tough as steel agent.

At one point he's remembering, and then he's opening a door. *Confused*

*Note* In the title, mask should be capitalized. Beyond the Mask.

Lasting Impression
As I mentioned, I'm only one reviewer with an impression. Maybe I'm reading this incorrectly. At any rate, seems our guy got sucked in again. He's like an information junkie.

I sense several threads woven into this plot. More backstory would help. Definitely paragraphing. There's more chapters to follow, I'm guessing.

So a bit of editing is required. No big deal. Keep on writing!



A beautiful Simply Positive Reviewing Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
682
682
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi! Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*





Overall Impression
I found your work through the random reviewing link in the left hand column. The word bric-a-brac isn't one I've heard in a long time, but wandering through those types of stores is a delight to me.

A few thoughts
In my mind, I can see the narrator ushering in guests and trying to show off the wares, possibly with a hint of desperation. I can imagine the overwhelmed customer. When I'm in those shops, I'd rather be left alone.

However, telling a story like that was your secondary goal. Using random words is one way to get writing. Without reading the brief description, I had no idea that's what you were trying to accomplish.

Now that makes my one complaint almost moot. The rhythm was off and the lines were uneven. At first I thought the narrator was selling chickens and turkeys. That required a second and third read before the meaning sunk in.

I still can't figure out the line with book/bike and missing link.

Lasting Impression
I think you're brave and creative to find a way to prompt yourself, and display your work. WdC has all sorts of prompts in contests, or just random words. Great job trailblazing and finding your own way. Keep on writing!



A beautiful Simply Positive Reviewing Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
683
683
Review of The Answer  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Jim. Nixie, here. I came across your story through random review.


*Captainwheel*
Thoughts/Impressions
Honestly, I'm speechless. Or wordless. Your story was so compelling--so much to discover. The reward for the reader was the cleverly crafted conclusion. I feel as if I've walked in Sara's shoes, odd as her journey was.

Some may think a phone relationship weird, but with all the technology, that's probably no longer the case. My daughter is in a sort of phone relationship, but they see each other once in a while.

*Captainwheel*
As the plot unrolled
It was impossible not to speculate about who Rick/Nick was. He seemed a total recluse, but according to him, this wasn't true. He liked to observe Sara, which led to all sorts of suspicions. It was clear he was a wealthy man, but riding along with Sara and her confusion added greatly to the realism of the plot. Although Rick/Nick was an unknown, at least visually, Sara was flesh and bones. It was odd though, I connected more with the guy than Sara.

I liked how you wove Sara's side of the story into the plot. We're supposed to write from one POV, but this style was engaging. In a story such as this, the plot would be lacking without these little tidbits from Sara. Very cool.

*Captainwheel*
Lasting Impression
Nick's invention should have been unbelievable. But as the story built, my confidence in his abilities and intelligence grew. He sounded trustworthy, and along with Sara, I became attached. The words inscribed reminded me of Man of La Mancha. But it also made me sad.

Who knows? A device like this is probably in the works as I write the review. It's almost standard issue in futuristic films and books.

When I started reading this, I had no idea where this journey would end. An excellent read, Jim.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
684
684
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi! Angus! Nixie, here.


Your story came up through random review, and I was braced for horror.

*Captainwheel*
Thoughts/Impressions
You got me! I muttered as I read. "This doesn't make any sense at all. I can't form an image of the setting." But the story read so well, there was no point in resisting. Often, I read the end of the story before choosing to review it. That would have wrecked everything!

*Captainwheel*
As the plot unrolled
The first paragraph was laid back, lulling the reader into peacefulness. Bang, add the word snapped and the alert goes out. I liked the'erratic pattern' possibly being 'code.' That started me thinking about premeditated violence, but there was only one man. What a puzzle!

Precise verbs built the tension. pounding, whooping, hollering

Awesome use of the prompt words. Clever title, I instantly thought of the Island of Dr. Moreau, but all I remembered of it was a vague impression of a doctor on a deserted island creating monsters from animals. I'm assuming this title was a deliberate choice, designed to mislead the reader.

But underneath the words, the sense of incredulity carried a hint of humor. The event was too bizarre. But I couldn't pin it down.

When I read the 'just then' sentence, I still didn't get it. *Facepalm*

*Captainwheel*
Lasting Impression
Ha-ha. I just connected the final line to the overall theme. Wow, I'm slow today.

~Nixie

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
685
685
Review of Nobody Loves Me  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Jyo! Nixie, here. I found your name here. "Invalid Item" 

*Type*
Overall Impression
Nobody Loves Me was an exceptional story! The title sounded a little trite, but fit perfectly with the character you created. I can just hear Angelina proclaiming her woes.


*Type*
Setting/Plot/Characters
You took what could have been a boring recitation of all her siblings and whipped it up into revealing observations that had me smirking. Excellent work. This foreshadows what happens next. The birth placement of each child was necessary to advance the plot. And it kept me laughing.

I admired the way you expanded Angelina's world outward, where she found a friend and put her naming skills to good use. Such an unusual plot element. Surprises around every corner.

The drama stayed focused on Angelina, exactly as one would expect in a journal entry.

The plot moved seamlessly from one scene to the next with no palpable tension or direct indication of conflict. But as a reader, I simply knew Angelina would be taking a tumble one way or the other.

*Delight*
Stand out moments
Each word was chosen with exquisite care. I found absolutely nothing common or expected. Sentence after sentence, you kept impressing me.

*Type*
Considerations
fingers until the fingers turn blue and throb with pain.
Fingers is repeated in this sentence.

Back to my relation - the bweep-bweep-bweep
I didn't grasp the meaning of 'relation' in this sentence.

Not that he should not, but why are
The rest of this sentence is missing.

*Type*
Lasting Impression
Although there were no hints as to the final revelation, in fact, the reader was misled, but I had the feeling the opposite would occur. Nice flair demonstrating their teacher. Not to give away the conclusion, but she acted correctly as any teacher would. Praise and admonition.

Technically, one half star should be deducted, but that seemed pointless to me. The story was brilliantly conceived and executed.


** Image ID #1997248 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
686
686
Review of New Things Ahead  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A very colorful shared sig for review raids


Hi there. I noticed how hard you were working on the review pages and thought I'd pop over and find a good read.

*Captainwheel*
Thoughts/Impressions
Cute opening paragraph.

The premise of the story was a giveaway considering the brief description. Most of my stories have strong women as the main category because, obviously, women are superior to men. *Laugh*

I think the intention to get this theme across drove the plot too hard. I apologize for the extensive copy/paste, but this is the easiest way I know to explain my thinking.

She felt she had a very good shot at getting the shield, but for some reason, everyone around her felt the need to put her down. Was it because she was a woman?

I would choose inner dialogue, something like this:
Why shouldn't I get the shield? People want to put me down? Couldn't care less.

You can even make her more confident. "Today, I will own that shield."

I don't think you need to spell out her fears. Woman against man. That conflict arises naturally when her partner meets her. And what a scene that was! Well done! Now, that could have carried the whole plot. If you skipped to finishing the exam and then popped over to the captain's office, you'd have a tighter read. Think word economy. Less is more.

Not that anything is wrong with the story, it felt a little forced. Janice didn't make me want to champion her. She was competing with men who put her down, but Janice as 'a person who I could care about' wasn't there.

*Captainwheel*
Last thoughts
I'm guessing Janice wanted to be a Lieutenant in the police force? After all this yakking about driving a point too hard and practicing word economy, I think letting the reader know where she worked would make this feel more real. Like 'The guys down at the 18th Precinct--' Give us Janet.

Good job rising to this challenge. Keep up the good work! *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
687
687
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Rob. Nixie, here. I found your work here
"The Shameless "Plug" Page" 




Overall Impression
A wave of relief came over me after reading this. Here is a writer who can be dark by taking an alternate route. Oh, I wanted to read the answer to your question, and it struck me in several ways.

A few thoughts
You just about knocked me out with the tree stanza. I was a bit miffed at the adjective 'dirty' in 'gnarled fingers'
I panicked for a moment, thinking maybe I got it all wrong because the word association from dirty is nasty or unclean. The trees fingers aren't dirty at all, except to a human's touch. I'm on the side with the trees. I was redeemed after reading the complete stanza. You made this tree come alive, grasping for water from a dying planet.

I wanted the bird stanza to be another reference to humanity's failings, but that's okay. I didn't see this as necessarily dark because everything was an act of nature. A reader could argue the first part as a metaphor for a person's hope. The second part is in total harmony with nature. Every living being requires sustenance. Prey is consumed.

In writing against flowers, the word 'against' appears in the next line, and that caught me up.

It's so weird that we associate the heart with love, and so the first line in the last stanza hit me just right. Thank you for not writing against love. Not that I believe in love, it's just so overdone. Writing against hearts like leaves? Beautiful.

*Thought*
Just a little misspell here > Shrivelled should be shriveled

Lasting Impression
I might have taken issue with using brown to describe brown when poetic terms capture much more. But I liked the rhythm of "blown around
brown"
And decided not to complain. *Laugh*

Seriously, you've written an excellent piece here. The last few lines in the final stanza? I'm not sure how something shriveled can be bruised, but in my mind, I linked that back to the heart. I breezed through the stanza curious to see how you worked it out. At the last word, I thought, Wait. Read that again. And I've been stuck here reading it again for some while now. I don't want to forget it.


A beautiful Simply Positive Reviewing Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
688
688
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
HI, Lindsay! Nixie, here.

*Sun* This is A friends of Phoebe review! *Sun*

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Oh my goodness! This story made me laugh right out loud, and I'm not making that up to prop you up. (It was the purple hat that did me in.) If this delightful read had pictures, it would be a wonderful story to share with kids.

I look for a few specific things in children's books. Bright graphics, but of course that's not possible here. It's important for kids to learn something when they read. And you provided so many opportunities. I have a grandson who would be gathering books to look up all the terms the Dr. spewed out. A perfect moment occurred when the wife cut him off. She cut in at just the right time, and then he kept going.

Lenore is quite a lovely ladybug. I could picture her in her hat, telling the bee there was no time for niceties. And the bugling lady beetle? I burst out laughing, again.

Hortense wondering how the ladybugs would help was an open invitation for kids to use their imaginations. Posting a sigh? Hilarious. You did an awesome job showing kids around a garden by giving all the inhabitants personalities. What a wonderful demonstration of a community working together.

The story wound down with Hortense off to forage, with the promise of new adventures. Well done! A definite five!


** Image ID #2056809 Unavailable **








*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
689
689
Review of The Duel  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Captain Stable. Nixie, here.

*Sun* This is A friends of Phoebe review! *Sun*

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Not to ruin the surprise, but wasn't the practiced swordsman smart enough not to drink for the 'boy's' flask?

Great opening scene, so vividly created, it bloomed in my mind. I didn't feel one way or the other about him, until he opened his mouth and drowned the poor kid with disparaging comments.

As the story progressed, the older one showed more and more of his dark side, which turned sadistic. I'm not sure hanging around to fight was the best idea, for me, but this boy had already one-upped the over-confident champion.

If you gave your characters names, you wouldn't have to keep writing the older man, the younger man.

*PenB*
Take a look at the paragraph beginning with the sentence below. You could use a few less glasses in it.
The older man eyed him suspiciously--

Here's another sentence where you can avoid repetition.
he older man said after drinking his drink.

Who is taking this action?
He cried out in surprise and lashed out himself.

I can't say the outcome made me sad. Out with the old and in with the new. But the young man sounds like he might become as dark as the one he killed. What do you think of making the last statement immediate for greater effect?
--the ground stained red.

I hope seeing a new review encourages you to come back!

~Nixie


** Image ID #2056809 Unavailable **








*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
690
690
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Sun* This is A friends of Phoebe review! *Sun*

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


In answer to your question? Comedy, hands down. At first, I was perplexed, and maybe if you began a new paragraph as the narrator slips into the past, the events would be clearer. In one sentence, there's a grown person talking about his horrid past. In the next, he's talking about his mommy. Then the paragraph returns to the past. You might consider sorting this out, or maybe this is just one reader's reaction.

Once I was certain the narrator was back in his childhood, the plot made more sense, and at the same time, it enabled me to stop asking questions and relax into the moment. It's just so dramatic, the thoughts are something to be expected from kids when they're feeling out of control. Beginning the day without breakfast is bad enough, but no 911 or connection to his mom?

I wish the narrator had a name to go with the story. I don't know what he looked like, or anything about his background, or what his house looked like. The story works without the details--I'm talking about enriching the plot, if that is of interest to you.

You might want to take a look at comma placement. I'd help out, but their placement challenges me, too.

If I had any doubt as to tragedy or humor, the Lucky Charms comment sealed the deal. Way too funny. My daughter lived on that food, lacking in anything substantially nutritional. Three marshmallows per one spot of toasted cube. *Headbang*

His trip to the hospital and the flock of the best in the medical field to revive him wasn't funny standing on its own. But with the plot behind the event, it was just one more moment of absurdity that worked perfectly. Again, I would suggest a separate paragraph as he reverts back to the present.

What I've suggested can be ignored. The story belongs to you. *Wink*

** Image ID #2056809 Unavailable **






*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
691
691
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Amarly Roe. Nixie, here.

*Sun* This is A friends of Phoebe review! *Sun*

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


I liked the idea behind your story, and I liked the characters you created. In my mind, there's quite a bit left unsaid, which may have been your intention. Sometimes, members write quick scenes to keep themselves writing.

I have so many lingering questions. Who was Camaryl? Some sort of magical being? The reference to the mood goddess in the temple seemed to indicate this. But she had to pick the lock, so she couldn't be all that magical. Where and when did this wishing take place? What was the silver she left in the children's shoes? Why was there tea on the stove after everyone had gone to sleep? What happened to the man and his children, and how did Camaryl's wish save them? Why was a pendant in the house?

The punctuation is either incorrectly placed, or completely absent. I considered offering some suggestions, but thought twice. Maybe this is your style of writing. Sort of a thread of consciousness, but not.

Enter the dad? Wow, that was a great scene. His first comment was so completely honest and disarming, I liked him immediately. Even though he was somewhat gruff, and maybe even intimidating, my bones told me Roland was an okay guy.

The dialogue between the two was precious. It felt as if he was repaying a debt. I didn't understand what the necklace meant, but I had a satisfied reaction when Roland gave it the Camaryl.

I think there's a great story in here, but unfortunately it left me baffled. Which is not a bad thing! I have some stories that definitely need improvement. We just have to keep writing and writing to accomplish our goals. Keep on writing!


** Image ID #2056809 Unavailable **






*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
692
692
Review of Are We Alone  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, P J Patrick. Nixie, here.

*Sun* This is a Friends of Phoebe review! *Sun*

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*



Overall Impression
Cute story. Peter Goldstein came across as a young teen because you took time to make it sound like a teen was narrating the event.

I liked the bit about what Peter remembered from class--the famous H.G. Wells. What a turmoil that created. Peter even mentioned the name of his teacher and his fellow student, which added authenticity to the story.

So many of us have asked Peter's question, and I think that's something we decide for ourselves. Receiving no confirmation seems to be the standard reply when a civilian asks.

It's interesting what people see in the sky. Hopefully, we've moved beyond the flying saucer, because I can't imagine how a craft like that would have an engine designed for deep space. But, there's no way to prove right or wrong, so I say it's all correct. What we perceive is true to us.

A few thoughts
You might want to give this another read. Since Peter is the narrator, you really don't need to keep adding his name to all his dialogue and thoughts. It's a bit distracting because there's no doubt in my mind. You created a strong persona for Peter.

I'm not here as an editor, but I noticed a few misplaced commas.
Also, this stood out:
"--rubbed his brown coloured eyes.--" You don't need the word coloured.

Less words to show what's happening would make this a tighter read.

Lasting Impression
I wasn't surprised by the answer Peter received, but the last sentence was great. I'm taken completely with the idea that he will be part of the quest.

A beautiful Simply Positive Reviewing Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
693
693
Review of The challenge  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, DukeLeto. Nixie, here.

*Sun* This is A friends of Phoebe review! *Sun*

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


While reading the first paragraph, I was in constant speculation, wondering exactly what challenge Dean was trying to overcome. The strong verbs carried an intensity that prompted me to read more.

In the second paragraph, the POV shifts to Sara, and I guessed Dean was probably trying to propose marriage.

In the third paragraph, the word target appeared, which cast me into the darker shadows of doubt. Rather than a guy in turmoil, you threw in a twist. Could this Dean be dangerous?

Dean's actions and inner dialogue brought the story to life. The reader wasn't burdened by heavy telling, rather we were placed in Dean's shoes, complete with sweaty hands. Sweaty hands definitely show stress, but this was only one physical manifestation. I think you could add a few others. Were his hands trembling, his breathing shallow, his legs restless?

I didn't notice a word count, but you mentioned a contest, so it's possible you had some restrictions.

Throughout the story, the narration worked to present a person of this age. So although you had me faltering for a few seconds, the innocence in the words indicated a teenager. Good work!

The final paragraph was poignant and a tiny bit comical. Certainly nothing to laugh about for Dean, but the reader might connect to their first moment of taking a giant step into adulthood. The fact that he was propelled forward by his friends struck me as authentic. Your words captured Dean and held him, along with the reader, prisoner on this page. Great work!



** Image ID #2056809 Unavailable **






*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
694
694
Review of The Ancient  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Andrew. Nixie, here.

*Sun* This is A friends of Phoebe review! *Sun*

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Labeling this as 'philosophy' fit the work categorized as 'other'. I don't read fantasy, so I appreciated the classification. The read was long, and not something that could be rushed. The thoughts expressed were profound.

The mood was somber and tragic, almost hopeless. However, this is an 'introduction' so there must be some sort of revival.

Many of my stories revolve around the possibility of alternate realities, or other dimensions. Out of curiosity, I wondered why the travel between The Other and earth required passage through The Ether, a 'place' that sounded a lot like hell.

Back in the days of growing up in Catholicism, we prayed for the souls in Purgatory. In retrospect, what a waste of time, and such a burden for school children.

Even though the plot is bloody, no gory details were shown. Thank goodness. The elf's observations were far more tragic than any vivid battle scenes.

The story is impeccably composed, no missteps, no errors. That's something to be proud of, and something noteworthy, especially in a work this detailed.

I was wondering, since the elf has to stay, if he would become the Ancient?

Outstanding final phrase. Like a blunt force trauma that creates no external damage. Great work of art here. Do you have any plans to continue?


** Image ID #2056809 Unavailable **





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
695
695
Review of Fractured Reality  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi there. Nixie, here.

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



Overall Impression
Excellent title for this WIP.

The small font had me squinting, but overall I liked the story. It's well written, with some almost-believable science that works for this plot. No need to go heavy on trying to establish credibility. Solid science might deter some readers. So, good balance there.

The startup of Backdraft and the opening of the wormhole was a vivid scene. I liked how you described the process. A medieval world was the last thing I expected. Using the amount of undiscovered land provided a good time lapse before the two cultures met.


A few thoughts
Just a few missteps here and there, nothing of real consequence.

The road here has been difficult and fraught with difficulties

Watch out for word repetition. *Checkg*

One thing confused me. A comb over on a man usually means he's nearly bald and only has a few hairs to 'comb over' a shiny pate. I thought the kid was a man and had to read the last part again.

This is a wordy story, and as you continue to work, you'll find ways to weed out the unnecessary. It takes time and practice. With the story advancing into the present, I imagine more dialogue will ensue, and the plot will pick up.


Lasting Impression
You really understand how recruiters work. That's the type of scene you'll want to continue with. Sharp dialogue and action rather than telling.

So, the humans will do it all over again. How very depressing.

Keep up the good work!



A beautiful Simply Positive Reviewing Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
696
696
Review of Hired Gun  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi pavlovscats



Overall Impression
Nice job creating setting/conflict/and characters in 300 words. In a few sentences, the bond Conrad had with Daisy made me care for both of them. A splash of California sunlight, and the plot unrolls.

I saw some great action verbs to propel the motion. slurped, dashed, sprinted, to mention a few.

A few thoughts
There's definitely a few places where you could trim down the sentences. The word just is a common every day expression, but in fiction, it has no meaning. Using contractions also helps keep word count down. Try to be concise, especially in short fiction. Think, 'immediate action'. It only requires practice. Here's a few examples.

He took the shot as soon as she rounded the corner.
She rounded the corner, and he took the shot.

Conrad leaped down from the stand of rocks he was hiding in and sprinted toward his victim.
Conrad leaped down from the stand of rocks and sprinted toward his victim.

Lasting Impression
I came away from this feeling slightly sick and horribly sorry for Conrad. I wanted him to suffer more, but the concluding sentence worked for his character. Also, his heart fluttering worked for a seasoned killer. Slight compassion, not devastated.

Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*



A beautiful Simply Positive Reviewing Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
697
697
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Story Master and Story Mistress family,
Every review I write is dedicated to you. *Heart*

Hi, DB. Nixie, here. I found your story here "The Shameless "Plug" Page" 

Overall Impression
Great job keeping this story narrated as it would be from a fifth grader's perception. Everything she does makes sense. I guess there were no computers to access and that's why she had to use the library as a resource. Although, she probably would not have found a reference to the marriage by Googling.

Thoughts
I think most readers know the definitions of entomology. Having Lisa look up the definitions was a resourceful way to educate any puzzled readers. I also liked the image that formed in my mind, picturing Lisa pouring over documents. I wonder what she looked like, physically?

You found a very clever way to demonstrate how Mrs. Rado was underemployed.

Lisa's innocence was demonstrated through all her actions. Her first assumptions were logical. However, Mr. Rado's award had nothing to do with teaching skills, so why would he think his wife would feel badly about it? I think she would be proud. Mr. Rado is a compassionate man to protect his wife from something he perceives might cause her distress.

Questions
My first impression was trying to figure out why so many of the words were written in bold font. And why are there no spaces after Mr or Mrs. Rado?

Some added spacing to create paragraphing would make this easier to read. Overall, great demonstration of a budding detective. Excellent closing line for comedic relief. *Checkg*


Nre Simply Positive Reviewer Signature.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
698
698
Review of Lonely Hearts  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear Story Master and Story Mistress family,
every review I write is dedicated to you. *Heart*

Hi, supersonic. Nixie, here.

I found your story here "The Shameless "Plug" Page" 

Overall Impression
This story had me thinking of poetic justice. Although Samantha was certain her own path would be her mother's, life has a way of spinning one about.

A few thoughts
Although the outcome was predictable, that doesn't mean the story lacks value. The emotions of a teenager are spread across the plot, creating an interesting character study.

I think Samantha's actions, although dramatic and abrupt, were to be expected considering her history. Her life hadn't been an easy one. And she got pregnant on her first date? That's really rough.

Trailing thoughtsI'm happy Darwin found her by chance meeting, and I hope the couple has a lovely life together.

After receiving 52 reviews, I'm sure you're aware of the glitches along the way, so I won't point them out.

Sometimes authors lose interest in a story. Perfectly understandable.

Nre Simply Positive Reviewer Signature.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
699
699
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #1729347 Unavailable **


Greetings, Kiya. This review comes courtesy of "Invalid Item"  where writingbyjazzy ordered a Fossil Fuel package for you. The package has one review for a short story, less than 8 kbs. So, since this is the only review, I sure hope you like it!

*Bowg*
In the beginning
Excellent title for this piece. I finally settled for this story because it had the least amount of reviews. And because I like family stories.

Well, this was one chatty fellow with a fondness for the phrase "know? what I mean?"

*Bowg*
As the story unfolds
I liked how you made the reader wait for a few paragraphs before disclosing who was listening to this confession. The entire time I'm reading, I'm thinking this guy is a serious enabler. I thought there was no hope of redeeming his family. All the relationships had pretty much deflated over the years.

*Bowg*
Connection on a personal level
I wasn't able to relate to this on a personal level. My dad rarely spoke, but not because he worked too much. He was a reticent man, unlike chatty here. Gosh, the poor doc must have been bored out of his mind. But, this is how counseling sessions often run. The client simply needs to talk, and they work it out for themselves.

*Bowg*
Surprises
Because I expected nothing from this man, I was even leery when things started looking up. I never thought the son would break and actually see his dad as a person. And then the whole family fell in line. I like optimistic conclusions.

*Bowg*
All the best
Kiya, I don't think there's one story that you've taken on and not been successful at it.

*Checkg*
Just for fun
This concludes your review. If you don't like it, please contact me at Nixie and I will write another. If you are totally dissatisfied, you're welcome to complain at "Invalid Item"  *Laugh* Sorry, I just had to add that in.

The bow tie emoticons represent the hard-working dad.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
700
700
Review of Two Summers  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Kotaro. Nixie, here.

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Overall Impression
The words promised ghost stories Japanese style, and I was intrigued.

A few thoughts
One of my favorite parts of this story was reading about a bit of Japanese culture. I liked the traditional Japanese introduction, so selfless, gentle and kind.

You are a fantastic writer. You handled switching back and forth between present and past without bump. That's not easy to do. Your many ways of expressing the ordinary read like prose. This is one example among several
Perhaps that’s the champagne that launches an old memory.
Such unusual phrasing and words created vivid images. I had to pause several times to re-read favorite sections.

The transition back was succinct and beautiful
The last grain of sand goes through the sand clock.

Other pleasantries
Excellent job engaging the five senses. Smells, sounds, the entire story is a trip into another land, just as I hoped.

Outstanding write!


Nre Simply Positive Reviewer Signature.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1,311 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 53 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/nixie9/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/28