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3,291 Public Reviews Given
3,330 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Template most of the time, covering setting/plot/characters/conflict/resolution if applicable. For shorter works, I concentrate more on feelings evoked.
I'm good at...
Short story, chapter reviews and in-depth reviews.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, Romance, mystery, children's
Least Favorite Genres
Historical
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novel chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
essay, editorial, non-fiction, somebody's homework assignment
I will not review...
XGC, poems, prose. I am an animal activist and vegan, so cruelty or violent, unnecessary, death due to negligence is overwhelming. I am unable to review any pieces involving abuse of any kind to anyone. I like to keep my corner or the world happy, because I grew beyond my "challenges" of childhood and don't want to look back.
Public Reviews
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Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Royal. Nixie, here.


Overall Impression
Honestly, I didn't know who to blame, or which character to side with. The mom was a horrible person, and my first choice for disliking someone. She played the typical moneyed woman who found no woman perfect enough for her son. Her opening salvo, such a ridiculous question, made my head spin. And then a food fight broke out?

A few thoughts
The mother continued her hateful comments, especially the one about never loving her husband. I began wondering if maybe her parents were happy not to witness the outcome of their daughter's upbringing. She was trashier than the bride and the locale.

It's not unusual for wealthy people to wonder about their friends. They don't know for certain if they are treasure for themselves or for their money. I think that's so sad.

This mother was completely off her rocker, and being wealthy did absolutely nothing to help her deportment. For a minute there, when she tore off the bride's hair, I thought a travesty would be uncovered. Maybe the bride was undergoing radiation therapy and the mom would be humiliated. Was the bride simply wearing a wig to hide her own hair?

"Mother, stop. I love Mary, and she loved me.
I think you meant [loves] me.

Remember each character's actions and dialogue should be in its own paragraph.

Lasting Impression
So this really was about a food fight. Like back in high school. I can't figure out why the husband or the bride-to-be was arrested, or who gave the nod that the mom should not be arrested.

What was Mary on trial for? Throwing food? What was she blaming the mom for? I fear the story was mostly lost on me.

Gosh, what an idiot woman, expecting thanks from her son. I hope he takes off and never sees her again.

For the purposes of the title and the venue, the story worked. Other than that, I was puzzled. Perhaps if you identified this as a short story and then chose a genre, that might help. Comedy? Nonsense? Drama?

You did a great job writing highly visual action scenes!



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Review of The Boat Story  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi. Here's another Hydro review from "Invalid Item" purchased by Agape Novels

*Boat2*
Overall Impression
Non-fiction stories often end up being hilarious. Of course, nothing felt humorous about the situation. Like just about everything, hind sight is 20/20.

*Boat2*
Emotional Chord struck
This spontaneous action reminds me of my son. He just goes ahead and does whatever he wants, and his wife is forced to help out. A bunch of my family went together on his boat, and the trailer scene was easily visualized.

I've watched other people do this, and I laughed over the men gesticulating, trying to help you back up.

Is it the boating community itself that jumps to help each other? Everyone has the same interest, and has probably been in similar circumstances.

One time, I was trying to change the headlight in my Z28 aand failing miserably. A neighbor stopped by and helped. It all looked so easy once I saw how it worked. He said someone had shown him, and that was the only reason he knew. Years later, I was able to help another person.

That was awesome when the stranger jumped up, willing to help. Excellent job describing a scene that might have been difficult to show. It wasn't funny, I'm sure, but I couldn't help laughing. I'm happy nothing was damaged, and no one was hurt.

--[my Dad’s old Ford LTD that smoked something terrible.]
Adding the word 'terrible' in this specific manner made me smile. It sounded genuine, not something you were trying to explain for purposes of the story.


*Pencil*
Possible edits
I couldn't help but notice how many times passive verbs told the story. In one paragraph, would appeared three times. I've done the same thing, and only needed someone to point it out for me. I think it's especially difficult to avoid telling when relating a past experience. I ditched mine, rather than rework it. I didn't much like my story, anyway.


*Boat2*
Closing comments
The concluding paragraph seemed almost impossible to be real. But real life is where stories come from. How ironic after all the time that passed to meet someone who had actually been there during the incident. You're probably all linked in one way or another. Keep on writing!


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628
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi. Here's a review from Your Hydro Package purchased at "Invalid Item"  by Agape Novels

*Boat2*
Overall Impression
The title and brief description are explanatory, but you managed to show the reader the circumstances and drama in a compelling way. I was only moderately disgusted because I was an adjuster for an insurance company. I learned about some horrible on-the-job accidents.

*Boat2*
Emotional Chord struck
You put the reader in the driver's seat for this story. Due the management structure, the way this incident was handled did not surprise me in the least.

It wasn't anyone's fault, other than the crew leader's disinterest causing confusion. A person has to watch hospital soap operas to learn body parts belong in ice. *Laugh*

We like to think we'd act correctly in traumatic instances, but trauma is trauma. Dang those other employees for sympathizing but not offering to help. Even a ride-along associate would have made this easier.

And you looked in the bag. Other than the discord between employees, I wondered why you thought this might be a prank. Was there someone you worked with who might have pulled this off? Sorry! I read into things too much and ask too many questions.

And I can't stop thinking about a "Thumb Drive" rather than the title you chose. That would be an excellent play on words. Gosh, I'm evil.


*Boat2*
Closing comments
One of my favorite parts was the 20 year old Chevy. This vehicle fit right into the image formed in my mind. I could just see someone taking off, thinking the best course of action was to tackle the problem head on.

Gross, *Sick* they had to look for the thumb, but like I've said, I've heard worse and seen pictures. However, nothing compares to actually looking at a detached digit. I bet OSHA was all over that accident.


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Review of Death, Stay Away  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there! I'm here today with a Solar Package review from "Invalid Item"  gifted by Agape Novels

*Sun*
Overall Impression
Death is a topic that's all too easy to fall into. When I was younger, I wanted to die early. Now that I'm older than I ever intended, my wishes are the same. I welcome death. Of course, I've never been on the side of nearly going, and that perhaps might change my attitude.

In every verse, I experienced this person's desire to stay one step ahead of the inevitable. He/she wanted much more from life, even though the what wasn't specifically expressed. I wondered what the themes and schemes were.

Since the person is staggering, I had the feeling that death was winning the race.

*Sun*
A few of my favorite things
What made me pause and think was the narrator saying he had lives to affect. It sounded philosophical and I drew a few conclusions. First, ego. I think he/she meant this in the best possible way, maybe he wanted to help people. It bothered me though, as if he/she had a god complex, thinking his/her life was that important to the ones surrounding him. In another light, I saw this as a positive trait. Maybe he/she wanted to bring happiness, but I still thought 'pretentious' when I read that line.

That's it from Nixie's Psych 101. *Laugh*

*Sun*
Observations
Oh, blah, blah from Nixie. I saw many places where the lines could be shortened to keep the rhythm more consistent and the message more tangible. With poetry, it's not essential to maintain a consistent rhythm, but since this worked in many places, it felt off when the syllable count wasn't even. I'm sure, if you were interested, you could find those places with no help

*Sun*
Parting comments
I felt better about this narrator after reading the final line. For all the plots and schemes, he/she had plans to gracefully surrender when the time came.

Death personified isn't an original approach, but there are just so many themes to write about. You did a great job with this one.



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Review of Taking A Chance  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, pumpkin. Here's a review for your Big Bang package from "Invalid Item" as gifted by Agape Novels

5.05 KB ~ I'm keeping track of the KB's because Joshua wanted people to review two stories of around 25 KB. I only found one long one, so I'm adding reviews of a few shorter ones to make up the difference.

*Lightning*
Overall Impression
Awesome job of immersing the reader into the read by establishing setting/characters and conflict in the first few paragraphs.

*Lightning*
Thoughts
What I liked the most was the consistency of the theme. At all times, I could imagine the characters in their roles. I was especially touched by one small gesture from Randy. He took Ruth's mother's arm and helped her step down. What a sweet and gentlemanly thing to do.

You know, finding a poetry-reading man isn't very likely anywhere I've lived. Randy not only read, but understood poetry. His back story explained everything, and it was presented in a conversation, so no telling.

All the dialogue sounded authentic and advanced the plot.

*Pencil*
Considerations
I don't know why, but there are several spaces between the quotation marks and the beginning of the dialogue. I'm referring to "Good morning, Ma'm" and "Good morning."

“Yes.” He shuffled nervously.
Shuffling feet shows nervousness, so I wouldn't add it to the dialogue tag.

*Lightning*
Parting Comments
Thanks for letting the reader know this was written for a contest. It helps me to review if I know there's a specific reason for the plot. If the contest is over, consider taking that explanation from the brief description and replacing it with a description related to the plot. I would make notation of the contest at the bottom of the story, where you've placed word count.

Thanks for a walk through a western world from a time long ago, when community dances were cause for celebration.

I hope you enjoyed the reviews. It was a pleasure to review them.b


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Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Pumpkin. Here's a review for your Big Bang package from "Invalid Item"  as gifted by Agape Novels

4.09 KB

*Lightning*
Overall Impression
Wow. Big difference between the last story I reviewed and this one. You made me care for the narrator, partly because I've gone through a similar experience. Great job showing how people want to help, when the grieving person would rather be alone. At first, my mom wanted company, but after a few days, it wore her down.

*Lightning*
Thoughts
In this story, you showed me the narrator's grief through her various, poignant actions. I liked that she grieved, but after the initial shock, she lifted herself from devastated to being able to function.

I also felt how strong the relationship was between them. At first, my dad helped my mom by driving, but as the years went by, my mom had to drive him. Now she has no one. She lives in a retirement community, and the owners run shuttle services for grocery shopping and doctor appointments. I'm so close to this topic, the thought of her husband no longer able to drive her tugged at me.

I've never heard of those four stages of grief. It makes sense, though. I remember going to the grocery store and thinking this was the first time I'd been shopping when my dad wasn't in this world anymore. I had to soldier through a number of firsts.

*Pencil*
Considerations
or if I want to see if the kids want them before I post them for sale.
This is kind of confusing. One possible way to shorten this sentence:
I'd call (or check with) the kids first before donating any of his things. Would she actually sell his belongings? I couldn't do it.

I didn’t have the car key with me.
Confusion. She just pulled his CDs from the console. Didn't she have to use the car keys to unlock the door? If the door was unlocked, why mention the keys at all? I apologize if I misunderstood something.

*Lightning*
Parting Comments
The turning point was the wife listening to the music and realizing that even though their time was over, it had been wonderful. That's what my mom tries to focus on. Her real go-to place is blocking all thoughts of my dad when they come to mind because she can't handle the loss of him. I think it's horrible, but that's how she grieves. Neither of my parents talked about my sister for ten years after she died. It's still a topic to avoid. I find that tragic.

I can't continue writing this because now I have to process my own grief, yet again. Great job engaging me, and making me feel this woman's pain and triumph in her finding some peace. Music is magical.



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Review of The Plain Girl  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Here's a review for your Bit Bang package from "Invalid Item" as gifted by Agape Novels

*Bullet* 34.77 KB

*Lightning*
Overall Impression
I learned quite a bit from the brief description. You told the story you had planned in your mind. A love triangle where the 'homely' girl sets the idiot guy straight. His reaction provokes the 'gorgeous' girl. I'd call this a character study, since mostly what the reader learns is how the characters interact.


*Lightning*
Thoughts
People love to hear success stories
Astute observation!

I think the story could be told in a lot less words. (I didn't feel attached to any of the characters.)

Jeff's focus was mostly on this financial statement. I don't think you need to be explicit every time he talks about it. At least he's concentrating on getting his own life in line, rather than looking for girls while he does it.

It was obvious from the beginning that the plain girl was anything but, and I knew she'd end up with Jeff.

Maybe take notice of how many times you used the word nice, and try to find something that carries more punch. For example, and this is a minor change, describing Jeff's butt as cute rather than nice adds a little more punch.

*Pencil*
Considerations
I picked out a few areas in the story to demonstrate points. As the author, it's your choice to change or leave it the same.
“But dishonesty is his game,” said Dr. Wilson. ["]He lies to women
Just missing the opening quotes.

Show internal thing with italics, not single quotes. No "she thought" is required when you use italics for inner thought. Now, depending on location, punctuation rules operate differently. So, if single quotes are used to show thought, I still don't think you need to add a sentence tag.

*Right* Showing vs. telling.
Merriam slinked away and got to her car as quickly as
slunk not slinked. I can see the strength in this sentence if you ended with "Merriam slunk away." You showed the reader why she left, unnoticed. No need to explain it.

She didn’t go back the following week.
The following week, she avoided the beach. (This is a stronger sentence by taking out the passive verb.) The focus of Jeff changing was strongest on his financials. This was repeated a few times, and I don't think you need to be explicit whenever he talks about it.

She had gotten a new hair cut which brought a lot of
Her new hair style brought lots of compliments. (passive to active.)

She had gotten several texts from Kari, but didn’t answer--
Kira texted several times, but Merriam ignored the messages.


*Lightning*
Parting Comments
Fiction is dynamic and immediate. I'd get a kick out of the Kira trying to slug Jeff. Rather than Jeff telling Merriam what happened.

Turning this toward action by using more dialogue and descriptive scenes would help raise the interest level. Your story reads fine the way you wrote it. We all have styles we're comfortable with. *Wink*


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Review of Dracon  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi there. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*



Overall Impression
The brief description informed me that this was a WIP. That tidbit helped focus my thoughts as I read through this a few times.

A few thoughts
I appreciate the help in pronouncing names and objects. It's frustrating to read and wonder about how the author intended the words to be 'heard'. I think this would work better if all the pronunciations were situated at the top or bottom so they don't interrupt the read.

Now the things I didn't understand were not explained at all. Here's my impression. First, I thought of a teenager playing games. But the character has Alzheimer's, so maybe he's spent too much time on that couch that bleeds off exhaustion.

a feint laugh even
faint

that box again half bewildered from sleep half bewildered
The repeated half-bewildered confused me.

So, I have to find out what Sub-65 is. I don't know what an Anquar-456 is, but I liked the comment about planned obsolescence. The upgrades are never as good as the original.

Lasting Impression
It took a few reads to figure out that Dracon had walked outside, looking for Issla. But then he's running his hand along his own neck and enjoying it? Does Issla give off a type of energy that's pleasing, or is she an active, artificial participant? He tossed her away.

Confusion reigned in the final paragraph, except for the Death Mouth incident. I can see how these words were altered in the next reality Dracon entered? Just guessing here.

Make sure to begin a new paragraph every time a different character speaks.

Enjoy your story-traveling adventures. Good luck taking this bit to the next level. *Checkg*




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Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Nathan. Nixie, again.


As I said in the email, the secondary genre isn't something I liked to read. But I cannot resist good sci-fi.

The set-up. Within a few paragraphs, you had me interested in Justin and his life. He sounds like a college kid with a big agenda. When Annie walked on stage, you demonstrated an endearing side of Justin's. I wondered where all that compassion came from. A positive upbringing, or a desire to stop a circle of poor family relations. We so often continue with the travesties of our youth. I was the cycle-stopper. The bad stuff ended with me.

You've given the reader enough foreshadowing to make them wonder about the veracity of Annie's claims.

I'm totally invested in Justin, and I took on this nonchalant interest in the guest. He was certainly bewildered and worried about losing his job, but the man did give Justin the required documents. And since there were no cameras mentioned to betray Justin, I was happy when he pocketed the change.

I was so proud of Justin when he stood up to Corbett. And he wasn't intimidated by her. Nor did he stoop to telling her off.

*Star* Own of my favorite parts was Justin walking off without his shoes. I can't say why, maybe it fit into my image of him. Sweet kid, trying to do his best. He's a lovable character.

Crash! Total surprise at the end of this chapter. Losing Mr. Mazaeus to a scientific phenomenon was shocker enough, but the FBI agent took Justine with her? For his own protection. Hmm. I'm not buying her story.

One thought on the usage of the word ass. I think it's okay the first time, but words like that really stand out on written pages. I'm not fussy, just sharing something I read.

Excellent job showing character's quirks and actions. Corbett came across as the least effective. A typical tough act with threats that we hear in TV shows and movies. But, the woman has time-traveling methods, and that was another surprise. So, she ranks up there with the rest of them. I'm sure a vulnerability will show up sooner or later.

Great descriptions of time traveling instruments. Simple to visualize without needing to know exactly how the travel worked. Not yet, anyway. Interesting that Mazaeus has a different mode of transfer than Corbett. Is she special, or is that FBI standard equipment?

At this time, I regret that it's not possible to venture into the next chapter. Including the link was a great idea. It's so easy for the readers to jump right in. Keep up the good work!

This as a five star write!

~Nixie




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Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Motivated Man. Nixie, here.


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


I hope you're serious when asking for pointers because I don't want to discourage you. One way to help the story would be to stop explaining to the reader. I rarely do this, but using only your words, here's a little demonstration to illustrate my point.

"Yeah! It's 7:25 A.M. Bus leaves in ten minutes. With your fat ass body, no way we'll make it."

Here's the beginning of a paragraph, another place where you can shine.
"I hope there will be enough --"

*Idea* Now, I'm not certain who is talking, or if part of this is internal thinking. A suggested rewrite, simply reordering your words.

"You want to buy your girlfriend a gift with no money? You better hope there'll be enough gamers. And you gotta be back home before your parents find out what you did with your sister."

"So what, I stuffed her with chocolate so she'd fall asleep," he said.

(I'm not sure who he is here.)

said Jeff furiously.
Emotion can't be shown with dialogue tags. You can demonstrate furious by showing Jeff standing with clenched fists, for example.

I don't want to leave any more suggestions, risking discouraging you. The story is there. You just have to tease it out. If my suggestions helped, great. If not, ignore them. But please keep writing. It's the only way we learn. Try some reviewing and get a feel for who you want to be as a writer. Keep writing!

Hmm. What did Tom do? You can have loads of fun with that incident.


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Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Elisa. Nixie, here.

Overall Impression
Fascinating title. I had to look up the meaning of Dargason before I could fully appreciate the title and brief description. It's always a treat to learn new words that enhance a story.

I'll admit to some confusion as the various characters and scenes shifted back and forth.

The story opened with a revealing paragraph about Maya, and what Scott might be bringing into her life. How horrible to live under such strict restrictions. I wondered who Maya would be after she met him.

But then, Chloe appeared, and the confusion began. Since she was seeing Scott from a different viewpoint, I thought she was a rival.

A few thoughts
Even though I was confused, the story kept pulling me in. I wanted to understand all of it.

I think this detracted from the dialogue and the overall appearance of the story.
Yukyukyukyukyuk.

Eventually, the battle came to light, and by then I had learned a bit more about these characters. I liked the dialogue because that enhanced the plot and helped me sort this out.

Part of me feels as if too much was left out of the story. What's happening is dramatic and highly consequential.

Actually, the title helped me understand the story.

Lasting Impression
The story ended without a resolution, which is a technique I prefer. It leaves me wondering what will happen, so the story lingers in my mind. Maybe I wasn't the best reviewer for this work, so if my comments offend or don't help, just ignore them. Keep writing!





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Review of Enemy Territory  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, Carly. Nixie, here.

The tension rising as the plot unfolded made my heart pound. The soldier was doing everything he could to survive and reunite with his men. Not only was he in physical discomfort, his loneliness was described as raw. Nice work!

Many of the sentences focused not on the soldier, but on what was happening around him. At the moment, I'm thinking about the exhaustion he was staving off.

You really had me frightened when the enemy closed in. I hoped what he heard spoken and identified as the enemy talking would be words created by his panicked brain. I wanted the soldiers to be his unit, and he would be saved.

The story held true. The soldier learned one word from the enemy, which brought him relief. The startled birds scattering the enemy made me smile. Nature stepping in.

Massive relief when he was discovered.

I found a sprinkling of errors. If you want specifics, please email me. I wrote for this contest as well, and I was amazed at how you made this work.

Losing our way in any situation frightens. I remember the day my mom seemed to disappear while we were shopping. The racks of clothes looked like the enemy because I was too small to see around them. the experience traumatized me, but similar to the story, I eventually found my mom. Contrary to the story, she didn't find me, which to this day bothers me.

A poignant scene closed out the story, and carried through with the authenticity. He needed help to walk. His relief was palpable, and his friends' welcomes brought the scene to life. Good write!





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Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
*Jackolantern* *Pumpkin* *Leafo* Fall into Halloween Raid! *Jackolantern* *Pumpkin* *Leafo*


Hi, WW. Nixie, here.

Oh, look what I found over here. A varied selection of 10 cNotes. From Easter, is the chicken or the egg that comes first?, following into Christmas Night. The note with the decoration balls, texted with Christmas Magic was my favorite.

A few eclectic notes, an unusual cartoon-ish one and an old fashioned note. Next, I came upon what I expected. Some spooky, some cute cNotes for Halloween. Was I surprised? Nope.

I liked the black cat sprawled on the pumpkin.

Um, not to sure about the Thanksgiving one. Please don't send one to me. Yuck. I'm a Vegan. lol

I remember the first cNOte I received. I didn't exactly know what it was, and I was devastated to learn it was an email that had to be deleted. The note stayed sitting pretty for a few months before I finally broke down and, sob, deleted it.

Your happy holiday cNote collection has left me with a smile on my face.

I found your collection here. Maryann outdid herself in searching for autumn items. "Invalid Item" 


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Review of One Scary Night  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
*Jackolantern* *Pumpkin* *Leafo* Fall into Halloween Raid! *Jackolantern* *Pumpkin* *Leafo*


Hi, Jim. Nixie, here.

A fine job of painting a scene with words. And to carry the image for the length of this poem? Impressive.

The conflict was presented in the first stanza, and then played out as Jimmy tries to find his way home. All the scary Halloween characters came out to play, although now they'd probably be dressed as superheroes. Except for my grandson. He wore the same frog costume until it no longer fit him. lol

Pinky Arbuckle? *Laugh* The name itself is hilarious, and it ran double-duty, keeping the rhyming scheme even. I noticed you kept the punctuation consistent. (none) *Thumbsup* The way you wrote this, any punctuation would have been in the way.

All the way through, I kept wondering where his mother was. Once I learned some of the kids were older, I felt a little better, but I would never send out a five-year-old child without supervision.

The mommy scene and her comments caught me in their poignancy. The words nearly evoked a tear. But then you turned the whole thing upside down.

You told a full story in these stanzas. That's beyond my skill set. The read was clever and surprising. Nicely done, Jim.

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Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
*Jackolantern* *Pumpkin* *Leafo* Fall into Halloween Raid! *Jackolantern* *Pumpkin* *Leafo*


Hi, Jen. Nixie, here.

Very nicely composed with some excellent and surprising humor at the conclusion. I think it's about time for Christmas decorations to be displayed in the stores.

I liked the way you began the poem, introducing the reader to the season by engaging the senses. When I read the first line, all the hours spent raking came to mind. What a work-out.

Just thinking the words pumpkin spice bring memories of baking days. My mom's apple pies were awesome. She'd start around 7 in the morning and bake over twenty pies! We had a big freezer in the basement, so she could pull out a pie for whatever.

Hoodies, huh? Now we have a new way to show the cool air. Before hoodies, we had baseball caps and jackets. Since the term hoodies wasn't around at my time, the word stuck out and made me smile.

My grandmother made pumpkin pies from real pumpkins! The taste is unique. So different from canned pumpkin. Gosh, I miss those pies.

I dislike going over technicalities. My fingers don't like typing that word. Anyway, I thought the two verses with easy rhyming schemes worked well. The punctuation was consistent, the commas slowing the read. I found one tiny mistake.
*Bug* Enjoy it while it last,
lasts

Life changes, obviously, but when the kids are gone, and I live alone, the big Christmas's are part of the past. No more Thanksgiving dinners, either. Family moves so far apart. Ah, well. This isn't the place to be reminiscing, although I'm happy your poem got me thinking.

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Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Panille. Nixie, here.



I don't do angels and demons, either. And I don't write fantasy. I wanted to see how you played the characters.

The beginning was in italics, at first I thought it was a mistake, but huge relief to be wrong. You were setting up the past so the present could take place.

Since I don't write demonic pieces, I don't know if the story of five souls imprisoning Lucifer was something you made up, or something from mythology.

What a creepy scene, when he smelled the blood spilled long ago and heard the screams.

Then your character trapped me. I liked this person because of the vulnerability he expressed about his fearless deeds.

When Lucifer kept threatening him, I guessed his fate would be taking a downward turn.

You might want to take a look at the paragraph beginning with "I tried to reply--"
I think the phrase "it's not that" could be stated more clearly. Also, take a look at the formatting disagreements. Maybe beginning a new paragraph with "Imagine someone--" That should straighten up that area.

Picky, picky. I can never figure out why writers use the words 'the end' at the conclusion. We know it's the end. *Confused*

Astute statement made in this story. In order to save some, he'd killed countless. What an interesting perspective. And for that to be the reason Lucifer left him? Really twisted. I don't think the narrator much liked himself after that revelation. In order to do good, we have to do evil. Seems there should be a balance, but there is no world of 'shoulds' only what is.

In addition to a short adventure story, the character is faced with himself. I felt his plight when you described the sensation of being wrapped in a blanket. Great imagery that was easy to grasp. A relatively innocent portrayal that represented darkness and helplessness.

In the aftermath, the meaning of the title gelled in my mind. *Thumbsup*

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Review of Addicted  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Victoria. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


One word titles are often powerful. Addiction alerts the reader as to the contents. It suits the situation, as well. As if thinking up more than one word is exhausting.

I had a difficult time reading this, due to the topic. One of my daughters has fibromyalgia. I don't know anything about addiction, but she said the medicine is addictive. Often, she'll take more than prescribed.

I think she is also trying to escape from her life. It's not a happy one, and her husband isn't a horrible person, but he isn't respectful. Always criticizing her, which reinforces the need to become unaware of her surroundings. Our family conjectures if she left her husband would that make a difference?

Your thoughts are similar to hers, and it's a heart-breaking read. Since your work is 'somewhat' personal, I won't continue as if addressing you, personally. Once the downward spiral begins, without help from someone, the road is rocky.

In the last stanza, hope resounds. What adds to the agony is self-judgement. Recognizing that the problem comes from within is an important one. No one likes to hold a mirror to what they've become when circumstances or events have changed us into someone we don't recognize.

I picked up some rhyming here and there, but nothing really specific. My only thought is to keep the length of the lines consistent for a uniform look. In some stanzas, but not all, the long sentences appear at the end.

The narrator wondering what she/he has done to deserve this fate is a concept mentioned once, and later contradicted. Which is great! And 'where did I go wrong' is another self-defeating statement. Although it's a legitimate question, struggling for the answer is not the solution. Life is what it is.

I hope this person breaks through the vicious cycle. Waking up depressed is the worst. Waiting on time to see what will happen agonizes.

Keep writing. It helps.





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Review of Unraveling OZ  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Anne. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*



Overall Impression
I almost passed this by because all I saw was one paragraph with long sentences. I'm sorry, but it didn't look too promising.

A few thoughts
Since I'm reviewing your work, obviously you've caught me in a disguised trap. What looked on the page to be so innocent turned into something rather brilliant. I can't figure out what name would be on the slipper, though.

This movie has been the topic of many a discussion because there are so many layers within the charming story. Some of it's charming.

The image of the yellow-bricked road splashed red sums up my feelings about this movie.

You might want to use a paragraph break somewhere. Or, put a period after OZ rather than a comma to continue the sentence. Then begin a new sentence with: But when pieces--

Otherwise, I nearly lost the meaning in the jumble of words.

I like what you wrote, which took me totally by surprise. Exactly the opposite of my original impression.

But it's only a little bit of writing. Maybe you accomplished everything you wanted with this piece. I can also see it being developed a bit more. It's up to you. Keep writing!




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Review of Hard Truth  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi, Turtle. Nixie, here. Happy FIFTH!

An interesting approach for a hook. Unusual smells that placed questions in my mind. The title and brief description left little doubt as to the content, but I was eager to read a story about it.

Just to be clear, the narrator has consulted some sort of magical being? The jumping up from the leaning against was a little confusing for an action scene.

The narrator is not too swift. A bit clueless, really. My judgement comes from not knowing anything about him. Is there anyone out there who doesn't realize we create our own reality? We don't need any magic to change our lives. If we can't change our circumstances, we can change the way we think about them.

Okay, so that wasn't your exact point, but it ran along similar lines.

Anniversaries are celebrations, not editing times. Still
Why the bloody heck not?!?!”
Multiple exclamation points are distracting. Show emotion through action, which you already did, not punctuation.

Big relief when Clueless comes to his own realization. Now he'll have to face the consequences. He may or may not be able to control his jealousy. The woman he loved might not believe he changed, or she might have been so traumatized she'll want nothing to do with him. What really matters is our intention, and not the receiving, over which we have no control. Let's say he changes. He still lacks another revelation. The changing is for him, not for her.

Eat some *Cakeb* Throw some *Confettib* Don a *Partyhatb* and celebrate!


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Review of YOU BE THE JUDGE  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi, Milton. Nixie, here. Happy FIRST Anniversary.

Overall Impression
I read your bio and discovered you are 97 years old. You must have a sharp mind to continue writing.

Social Security fraud in a short story. Interesting topic. Isn't SS knowledgeable when a person dies? My mom lost my father's benefits immediately. And it put a pinch in her budget, but he left her well-cared for.

I do not think think the answer is simply right or wrong, although I know what the laws dictate.

Thoughts
If you're asking individual reviewers for their opinion? Fraud is fraud, in the government's eyes. I'm not completely convinced the family's actions were justified, but when someone's back is against the wall? In my experience, the people who work for SS have no compassion, nor will they bend any rules, despite the circumstances. For a reason that's too complicated to explain, $130.00 is automatically deducted from my benefits. This will remain the same for the rest of my life. I fought, but lost.

There are several ways to improve this story, but I try not to edit much for anniversary reviews. Who wants to scrutinize work when a celebration is in order? Something easy to explain. For dialogue tags, stick with he said, she said. Show emotions through actions, not adverbs tacked on to tags. Okay! No more.

In closing
I think you have a strong opinion about this matter. When the politicians go on and on about fraud, I think they are picking on a very small percentage that ends up hurting those who need the benefits. Not the other way around. Such is the way with our government.

Such a serious topic for a happy month. I wanted to leave here after putting a smile on your face. How can I do that? Here.

Throw some *Confettib* don a *Partyhatb* and eat some *Cakeb* I'll be thinking of you. *Bigsmile*

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Review of Abduction  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
e:CakeB}"Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi, Kris. Nixie, here. Happy 10th!

Overall Impression
I'm not an alien abduction fan, but because you mentioned a twist, my curiosity insisted I read.

Thoughts
The story sounded like a typical alien abduction, so nothing really stood out to me. About half-way through, I figured out the twist, but the words continued. (The foot printing and needle prick left no doubt in my mind.)

Writing from the POV you choose was the best part of the story, even after my curiosity was sated. Maybe someone who has not experienced this miraculous event (trying not to reveal the twist) wouldn't figure this out so easily.

I doubt you'll return to edit this, not after so many years, so I won't offer suggestions. A few of the longer sentences could be shortened to create greater impact. (Oops. A suggestion slipped out.)

In closing
For any readers still bewildered, the last line was the perfect way to resolve the conflict and tension. Interesting POV and corresponding perceptions.

I wish the identity of Kyron was noted. Very mysterious. I wondered how this story was inspirational.

My purpose here was to celebrate with you, not fuss over corrections or ask questions. Eat some cake, reflect on who you've become since penning "Abduction." Get a little crazy. Ten years is an impressive span of membership. *Star*

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647
647
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi there. Nixie, here. Happy 9th!

Overall Impression
Excellent title, and thanks for the clarification in parentheses. I've never written a testimonial, and reading this was pure delight.

I chose this piece to read because it was the only item highlighted in 'recommended pieces'. There were so many items in your portfolio to choose from. All of them carried the central theme of recipes. *Thumbsup*

I imagine most, if not all, members will relate to what you've written.

Thoughts
I've heard a few members lament that they've lost touch with their own writing because all the 'harmless' fun distracts them from writing. Your first paragraph expressed the predicament in true culinary terms.

I thought the second paragraph started like it might be a slam, but after reading the last line, I laughed. Very clever and humorous.

The satire continued throughout, and although we're not acquaintances I bet you're a fun person to get to know.

In closing
The last line summed up the piece with a warning and a laugh. My case of addiction is impervious to any methods of withdrawal, other than someone upsetting me. Then I have to walk away.

Cerebral gluttony--too funny.

I hope your entire anniversary month consists of eating gourmet cupcakes with cherries on top. (Yeah, I read that story too. Awesome cover art made me want to gobble that off the page.)

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648
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, Ivanka. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


Overall Impression
You have the makings here of a strong story. Your sentence structures are varied, and you use incomplete sentences to great effect. I noticed opportunities to employ a few more by taking out the verbs.

A few thoughts
I liked the way the story began, and I think continuing in snatches would strengthen the story. Here's one example from the first paragraph. These are all your words, rearranged. Nothing of mine has been added to alter them.

Smoky bars and cafes. Tables occupied and people standing. Between them, girls with red lips. Whores. Lusty, lascivious. (excellent alliteration.) Their animality (not a word) surprised him.

He saw her. Leaning over a man, slender hands hidden beneath his shirt.

Do those examples help of confuse?

*Question*
He took her by the hair and wrapped [them] around his wrist
Did you mean wrapped [it]

He saw her pale neck. Tasted [him.]
Tasted [her]?

a woman who knew she [is] beautiful.
Verb tense change. knew she [was] beautiful

Disheveled hair were falling
Disheveled hair [was] falling good
Disheveled hair fell. better

himself on the spot the man.
In the man's place?

Lasting Impression
I'm left with questions. Did the guy ever get her, or was this all imagined? Because there's no transition from seeing her to moving into a hotel room confusion is the overwhelming impression.

The last sentence was beautiful. If only I knew who [him] was. The man who imagined he was with the woman?

Sorry for not understanding the exact intent. I would love to hear from you and read your response. *Wink*



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649
649
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Xander. Nixie, here.



Thoughts/Impressions
The description of the wife in the first paragraph encouraged me to keep reading. I'm thrilled no one is around when I wake up. I doubt the description would differ much.

As the plot unrolled
Right away, it was obvious how close the married couple was. She couldn't sleep without him. So sweet.

Cute dialogue reinforced this mood. Good job, there. For me, the dialogue is the most revealing of character. It's where most of my focus goes. The same is true for some editors.

I laughed at the (not fuzzy) comment tacked on to that sentence. It also showed warmth and a wry sense of humor. So, overall, I was prepared for a sweet story.

When the story turned toward Danielle, and her sad expression, my heart sunk. No child that young should be sad on Christmas Day.

Good job showing the scene as seen through the parent's eyes. The cigar burn was the most impressive touch. Except that led to questions. Why didn't they notice the stink from the cigar?

In a way, the parents made a bad judgement call in protecting Danielle's innocence. Also, most parents with young children have preventative measures that keep a child from opening a door.

Sorry! I tend to get upset when it comes to kids. I realize all this was necessary to carry the plot forward.

Lasting Impression
Losing a child in a crowd is terrifying. I was relieved that drama was quickly resolved with little fuss and great kid action.

I wondered why Officer Crane came home with the family and then stayed to chat. I'm not sure how the boot became wedged in the fireplace. The officer had been walking around all day with only one boot? The only sense I can make from this is that he deliberately left his boot so the Santa myth could continue.

I didn't mean to pick this apart. I tend to ask a lot of questions. And when kids are involved, I tend to dive too deeply into a story.

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Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there. Nixie, here.



Thoughts/Impressions
My first thought was wondering why the description of the house dragged on in explicit detail. For an opening chapter, writers strive for active scenes that engage the reader.

The plot continued with Joven investigating the house, which was of little interest, other than her mom knowing what room Joven would choose. I liked that part!

My second thought was why, after 99 reviews this has only been edited once. I'm guessing you've achieved your goal for this chapter.


What I liked the most
I was taken completely by surprise when another dimension entered the plot. That should more than protect the mom and Joven from the ghost? Ghost as in the literal, or ghost of something past?

How could Joven already have friends if she just entered another dimension? How would she know a college was there? I think the phrase 'dropped into another dimension' gave me the feeling that there was no possible way for Joven to know anything in advance.

*Penb*
Don't sweat the small stuff
Linda Welch asked,
It seemed odd to use the first and last name of Joven's mother in this particular way. Maybe if her name was introduced earlier in the plot?

Lasting Impression
So the moving van can cross dimensions?

There must be answers in following chapters. I wished for a link to the next at the conclusion of chapter one. Something tells me that after five years, you won't be returning to edit this chapter.

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