Hi Evan. Welcome to WdC!
Overall Impression
I enjoyed my time reading your story. The way the plot unfolded gave me welcoming, old-timey feeling.
Characters
Parker's character was believable and rounded-out. I experienced him as a real man, accepting his foibles along with his complacency, tinged with regret.
I would have liked knowing him before he messed up his life, though. The story flowed evenly as Parker discussed his life and his actions.
I found several places where some might object to the weakening of the sentences, but it worked for this story. For example, writers spurn adverbs, and I picked up on several as I read.
But here's the thing. The rules don't always apply. Because Parker is a resigned character, the adverbs fit perfectly. We're listening to him, and if the sentences are long and drawn out, I accepted them as part of the character.
In some instances, the rules do apply. And that is when a writer props up a weak verb with an adjective.
"Parker sat down heavily...
>what about Parker plopped or sunk as a stronger verb?
One thing I do suggest you correct is to begin a new paragraph every time the dialogue and/or action switches to a different character. Each one should have their own paragraph. Still, it almost works this way because the story reads like a stream of consciousness. All of Parker, everywhere, even when he's with someone else.
Okay, but once he meets up with the stranger, new paragraphs when the dialogue switches become essential.
A few thoughts
Remember, all punctuation belongs inside the quotation marks.
Generally, dialogue tags are simply he said/she said.
Some words are considered distancing. Separating the reader from the character, or the character isn't directly experiencing the moment. Case in point>
>Parker seemed only to notice...
[seem] is one of those distancing words. Try the more direct approach. Fiction is immediate.
Parker only noticed is more effective than sticking the seemed in there. Make sense?
Nice foreshadowing with the mention of three years. I'll admit, though, to feeling a bit let down when the mystery man turned out to be so ordinary. But the dialogue was outstanding! Very period and era oriented. The reader knows poor Parker is speaking to a creature of long-endurance. Immortal, to be precise, but that sounds so plebeian.
Lasting Impression
What a chilly, creepy conclusion. You remained true to your character, and the actual horror was never spelled out. Merely made clear through innuendos, forcing the responsibility over to the reader to complete whatever mental picture came to mind.
Really, only a few things to correct. Watch for adverbs propping up weak verbs. Use correct paragraphing.
I admired the way you wrote this, sort of circumspect and round-about. Others may object.
|