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THE MANIFESTO REMIX You've been pwn'd by ☡.☠ ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| ... at High Altitudes and You" has been rained out. We apologize for this break in our scheduled programming, but would like to point out that this is in no way a cheap blog entry just to keep the month blue. Indeed, this entry serves the vital function of informing the reader that "Thermodynamic Measurements at High Altitudes and You" has been rained out. If it were not for this entry, everyone would be waiting for "Thermodynamic Measurements at High Altitudes and You". |
| ... I'm not here right now. But in an attempt to make my calendar all blue by the end of this month, I have to post something here. Here is that something. I'll be back later with something way cooler and more fun next time entitled: "Thermodynamic Measurements at High Altitudes and You". |
| ... proletariat heros, let's get hyphy. I haven't been to NYC in over a year, last April I think was my last jaunt, but every time I hear this song I think of the place. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSrg3qGXcQg Now, you know me, and I'm too tough and hardcore for dance music. Music like this is for ravers and Nazis. It's the association of the song, not the song itself that I speak of. The point is, last night in class I was ragging on some dude for wearing a Cubs shirt in CARDINALS country. He took one look at how the hair above my lip began to grow faster with anger, into the sharp barbs of a critical mustache. Retreating, he pointed out that another fellow in class was wearing a Yankees hat. Sure, I believe that all Americans should be allowed to travel to any state they want to, but fans of these sub-teams should stay home. Following the Mormon belief that the Garden of Eden is right here in Missouri, it would only be logical to assume that the CARDINALS are the chosen team, and blessed among the NL central division. Now, as I said before, I've been to NYC and not only did I wear my CARDINALS stuff, but I actually tore down old Yankees stadium (hence they have a new one), because it was in my way. I know, this was an errant and scattershot entry, but I think May will be a blue month. Why? Cause I have nothing else to do. |
| ... Robin Wright is single now, eh? About time I lived out my Princess Bride fantasies. What happened to the days of Lucy and Desi? In a weeks time two of Hollywood's most uncontroversial stars have filed for divorce: Mel Gibson and Sean Penn. Gibson I hear is already boasting a new broad, one that probably doesn't mind role-playing a Roman soldier in bed. Yeah! nail me to the cross baby! I'm beginning to think that there's something fake in Hollywood. I know! I can't believe it, not Hollywood! When Washington distorts the truth, we turn to Hollywood to look at real, everyday people from our walk of life. Do you think that these Hollywood romances are just a matching of popularity? Kind of like in High School when you dated to keep ahead in social circles? Frankly I think it stinks. If that were the case it would mean that an average, Joe has no shot at Zoe Deschanel, or her sister. It means that I will never tap Cheri Oteri... I mean Kelly Clarkson. Divorce has got to be another of Hollywood's special effects. I blame it on J-Lo, she started all this. That bird tore around with a bunch of different guys, trying to find just the right balance of fame and tasty spinal fluids to feed her addiction. She ruined Ben Affleck! He was like the Titanic of acting, couldn't be sunk, and then along comes ol' Thunder-Butt the iceburg... Matt Damon has been lonely ever since. What does it say about us, the great unwashed, if our cinematic Gods can't maintain? Why we must be even lower. I bet divorce actually happens, right out on the street, like baby-births on fifth avenue (anybody read that story?). You know who I feel bad for, those LA divorce lawyers. All they want is to keep families together and live modestly, then along comes Mel Gibson and suddenly they have to accept fees and break up a household. So tonight, before you go to bed, I want everyone to say a prayer for LA divorce lawyers. They are the real American heros, picking up the pieces of our weak morals and low will-power. They truly do the work of angels. |
| ... been so interested in the medical sciences until today. With all this talk of swine flu and what not, it's hard for us to remember those brave individuals who spend their lives on the front lines of research. We let our fear take hold and dwell on the morbid, while scientists and doctors maintain the hope and drive forward towards a cure. Today, while wondering if I would be swine flu's next victim, I came across this bit of science wonder: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ur9piNe4fs I have watched this about hundred times, I can't stop watching it. Just imagine what science will do next! I love science! In fact, this science is making me a little hot and bothered... I need to watch this documentary again. The above video is not only optimistic about humanities chances for a better life, but it's also a sign of things to come. We need more scientific breakthroughs like this! We've been so bombarded in this fear culture into "walking for the cure" and wearing pink ribbons, that we never thought about making t  ties bigger! That's the cure!Hey everyone, safety dance. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcOZ6xFxJqg |
| ... THE WORLD IS ENDING!!!! That's right, according to leading History Channel scientists and authors, in the year 2012 the world will end! Holy f  king s t, that's only three years away!Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! What do we do! There's nothing we can do! The end of the world was foretold by a South American calendar that is in-line with the stars (space, not Hollywood) and says that the poles of our Earth will switch sides! Nostradomus, he knew about it, but was silenced... by the FREEMASONS!!!! That's right, the Freemasons. Those secretive bunch of secret people. They're behind everything from wars, to money, to New Coke and American Idol... that's the only reason Paula Abdul is on the show... so evil! Sitting here in a pool of my own filth and paranoia I can't think of a single thing they aren't behind... except maybe the world NOT ending. But why would an organization who exists on this world want to end this world? That's just it! Because no one would see it coming! It's the ultimate non sequitur. I don't know what I would do without the History Channel. Where else would I get all my Hitler documentaries inter-mingled with hard, well-documented facts, not in the least meant to excite or play to our superstitions. Well since it has been scientifically proven by TV that the world will end in 2012, and it's all because of them Freemasons, there's nothing left for us to do but plan for the end. I just want to say that I'll miss you, and I only hope that when the Hell-fires are a comin', that you don't hurt too badly and go quickly. As for me, I'm going to try and figure out which religion is the right one so I get into some sort of heaven. I'm hedging my bets and going with my own amalgamation of all the religions combined. Godallahudda, bless you. |
| ... we here at the MR offices in greater Detroit support acts of discord, subversion and all around mayhem. So imagine how excited I was to learn of this bit from China. In the Chinese language there are tones and inflections to differentiate between words with similar characters. A character like "ma" has three different pronunciations. A group of witty (and brave) hackers (or honkers in China to utilize the hong sound) have created a mythological sensation to stick it to the web-censors over yonder. This myth is of the "Grass-Mud Horse" a valiant creature locked in an unending battle with the "River Crabs". As it happens, when pronounced in a different tone the words "River Crabs" become "Harmonize". In China, President Hu Jintao's mission has been the creation of the "Harmonious Society", and in honker-speak, when one has been censored on-line, they say "I've been harmonized!". So, the "Grass Mud Horse" is fighting censorship. "Grass Mud Horse", when pronounced in a different tone becomes "F k your mother", and he lives in a dessert that... well, you can read the subtitles yourself.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKx1aenJK08 And that's the kid's version! No matter what culture you come from, no matter what religion you practice, the PUN crosses all borders as man's highest achievement. Oh, and if the kiddy version of this song is too weak for your hardcore taste, here it is in a catchy rap. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3D2eh4xehc4 |
| ... was had here yesterday. It makes me, your guru of guffaws, proud. That's right, guru. Less a leader but an interpreter of humor. Ah yes, like Carlos Castaneda in the desert, you come to me to tell you what is and what isn't funny, and how that relates to you spiritually. Much better than a real guru like Depak "Deez Nutz" Chapra, I am ready to deliver to you this mantra: Beans, beans, the magical fruit.... Ahh, now repeat this mantra while meditating, and await the enlightening TOOT Of course my temple is more funny heh-heh than ha-ha. I am here at the risk of my homework. I have a paper due Thursday about China's economy. Is it myth or miracle? Anyone out there have any thoughts about that? Thoughts that may or may not stand up in a court of law as my own if I were to put them to paper and turn them in? Thoughts that you may be able to site from a learned publication preferably? Going back to school is weird at my age. I'm not quite old enough to where everyone applauds my return: Good for you! Better late than never!. And I'm not quite young enough to mix with the co-eds: Who brought their creepy, uncle to the party? So I pretty much just exist at school, the passer-bys eyeing me with distrust as I can't easily be quantified and categorized. Every so often a kind Methodist tosses my a scrap and dotes on my poor condition... then a mean Lutheran comes round and kicks my begging basket away. Life... woe is me. Anyhoo, I got to finish this paper and then guru some more peeps. Oh! And don't forget to help me write my paper in the comments below! |
| ... months and they whore this site out like teen-pop star! There's advertising! Zoobooks... yeah, Zoobooks. If I CLICK HERE I get a free tiger poster and elephant issue. I don't need that, although it would be a great way to teach my kids to love animals...  ... I don't have kids! Damn this advertising-trickery!What else have we... Dominos pizza has a five dollar deal. Match.com is telling me there's a lovely lass online near me, have I told you my on-line dating theory? Those sites are like Wikipedia where you don't necessarily have to site your sources. In any event, today is International Rip Off a Joke Day. That's right, today, just as in 1911, when president Zachary Taylor ripped off the Czar's crab-cake joke in front of the Justice League's second annual biennial meeting, we set aside our differences (and taste) to observe the ripping off of bad jokes. Here is my humble offering I ripped off of the New York Times: Comic Sans walks into a bar and the bartender says 'we don't serve your type here'. That's a font joke (I even used the Comic font, God damn my genius). So, today be ye an amateur comedian who's been bombing ripped off jokes since Yakov Smirnof, or a newbie to humor-theft. Be ye an American who told the worst joke ever twice (by voting for Bush in 2004) or a Canadian from Vancouver who thought that the Blues performance in this years playoffs was a joke, give me a bad joke and site your sources. |
| ... I don't trust? Dora the Explorer. History proves that all Spanish explorers eventually become conquistadors, oppressing the indigenous peoples and reaping their land of its natural resources. Who knows what kind of diseases her monkey is bringing to the New World. Are we going to let this happen? Will you help her? In any event, I've been away a while and you deserve a catch up: I'm back in St. Louis and fairly bored. I found out that my favorite Missouri past-time, chewing tobacco and spitting the bits into the face of a General Sherman effigy, is now uncool. I've also just learned that the state dish of catfish and squirrel eyes is no longer served, it seems the catfish was not dolphin safe... nor the squirrel for that matter. School is interesting if not stressful, but I'm rocking a 4.0 in cool... but only a 2.6 in actual studies. Which averages out to about a three-something, so I should be kosher. What else... let's see... nothing. The weather has only been slightly warmer here than in Syracuse which sort of blows donkey. Please hold your applause; today is my 28th birthday and in the history of Zacktopia we've never been more closer to 30 than now. A frightening, terrifying, testicle shrinking truth. My lifestyle footprint is all over my aging frame. Scars from knife fights and bullet wounds, lungs blackened by the coal mines and a VD that can only be described as a scientific first worthy of a Nobel prize. According to the Zacktopian Offices of Statistics and Gravy, at 28 I've not met any of the road marks set for manliness: No house, no woman, no horse, no mustache. And as far as the lesser bench marks of manliness I've only achieved two: Face punched a monkey and liberated a South American junta. There is a third bench mark in dispute, it deals with balding (done and done) and eventually looking like Sean Connery (depends on the angle you look at me from). The way I see it, I have two years before I reach my golden years. Two years of youthful indiscretions and poorly formed decisions. Then it's all down hill. Leary, God bless his soul, preached it and the words are just as true now as they were then: "Don't trust anyone over thirty". How will I be able to trust myself! Let alone get a young whippersnapper with their rap music and their parachute pants to trust me. Today I am a ball of emotion being kicked around by the gods of aging and death.... woe is me. |
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