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 |   New and Improved... but only slightly. |
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THE MANIFESTO REMIX You've been pwn'd by ☡.☠ ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| ... there are two young stallions on the loose! I know what you're saying: "Zack, you're stallion enough! What gives with a wing man of equal stallion-tude!" Well as it happens, I have to drive to the airport later to pick up another bloke named Paul, or as you know him pauluk. We've planned an AIG style retreat for 440,000 Francs and a case of the Beast. We Americans can be so selfish and insensitive, so everyone stand up from your desks, and sing for Paul the national anthem. I've provided the tune below. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_nO0F4ugss&feature=related I have high hopes for the next week. We'll be a bending and a partying with the innocent and impressionable co-eds. I intend to set a car on fire, be it mine or yours. Yawn... your underestimation of our abilities bores me. Feel our wrath or feel our...  ... man, I gotsta go. |
| ... the party at 4 am? The MANIFESTO REMIX that's who! Listen to this! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dIZRD4Noxnk&feature=related and know that you have been rocked! I'm sitting in my pad, writing this, with a dirty, dirty, Magnum PI 'stache. Trust me, it's for the cause. But everytime I look in the mirror I just laugh. I can't help myself. Imagine if you turned around, into a mirror, and suddenly saw that you had a mustache... other than Gabby, I bet none of you have ever seen that before (  ,, it's okay, we have an understanding her and I).In any event, I have to tell you what I'm up to. RUMIEZ is happening at this very moment in a very different way. We're leading into season 2 with a short series, and then season 2... well, it's going to be far out. Like T-Rex, "Bang a Gong" far out. Where as last season we did random spoofs, we're doing an entire sci-fi, "Heroes", overly-dramatic, underly-professional thingy. I'm excited, I know you are, I can feel your video boner from this distance, and, although it's a bad touch, I want to proceed. Now, this is what I'm doing, at this very moment as you read this: I'm wearing this dank 'stache to work with my nappy hair gelled back into a very nasty position... I look like I should I be saying, "What will it take for me to get you in this car today?" Grow a 'stache, all you men out there! It's liberating and, dare I say, humorous as well. |
| ... fever, and the only cure is more baked beans! I think I'm back to 100% of the old me. No more illness (or license there-to), and no more pills (legal or otherwise). So, it was a fairly lame weekend, what with me getting back to fighting weight and all. And then there was this whole "Palin received gifts and housing aid" story. I knew that broad was dirty! I'm not saying the Dems are squeaky clean, but they watch Dexter and they know the code: Don't get caught. And speaking of Dexter it's followed on Showtime by Californication, starring the sex addicted David Duchovny. Really? "Sex Addicted"? Aren't we all addicted to sex, and some just spend more time in withdrawal than others? Is it like all other addictions, can you never really cure it? "Hello, my name is David, I'm a sex addict and I've been fornication free for two months now". Who sponsors you at the meeting? How could one stay free and clear when society is the enabler? If there's one thing the Republicans have proved it's that you can live a long, healthy life without sex or fun (or logic). So I believe there is hope for David Duchovny's addiction... I want to believe. (Get it, cause he's Mulder, and the last movie... ho-hum). Anyhoo... anyhoo... |
... that socialized health care would mean you get to see a doctor. One predetermined by the system of course, but since you can't see one at all that's still a step-up. On the other hand, there are people who have put some effort into life and made something of themselves such that they have actual career-type job thingies with employers who at least partially provide their health insurance. Said people who actually try to do something with their lives would of course end up footing the bill for socialized health care, thereby paying for something they don't even need so the people who have made bad decisions in life don't need to be held accountable. The free lunch idea certainly appeals to everyone, but there's really never such a thing. Someone has to pay for it. The Republican solution is don't offer it. The Democrat solution is offer it to the extreme and pay for it with burgeoning taxes. It's smoke and mirrors either way. One caters to the well-off and one caters to the down-trodden, and both screw the middle class. Since I believe in survival of the fittest, I'm with the conservatives on this one." Problematic Content  9/25/08Oh, my God... PC, you've awakened the Republican in me! I feel empowered! I feel like kicking people when they're already down and hitting things that won't fight back! It's amazing how much power you Repubs channel! How superior to those different from me do I feel... I can actually pass judgement now! You are exactly right, PC, if you don't want to work for your daily bread then you shouldn't be carried about by your hardworking countrymen. Sure the "liberal media" will say that most uninsured Americans are employed, but they're probably referring to immigrants (ewwwww! grossss!). This liberal BS about socializing healthcare, that's just poor people trying to take what's yours and mine! No matter that the taxing would run by district so your tax dollars would stay in your neighborhood (just like school taxes), or that the taxes would be miniscule (as it would be healthcare at no profit), it's still poor people trying to take ours! Who do they think they are? US, Americans, with a right to life!?! Hell no! And in the past, where I would have called you a fascist for that "survival of the fittest" comment, today, as a new Republican, I won't. I mean, to have likened you, to say, the Nazis would just be ridiculous! The differences between you and the Nazis are plain as day! The Nazis believed that their Aryan race (white folk) deserved the world because they were superior to other races (minorities). You, on the other hand state, that rich folk (white folk) are the only ones entitled to healthcare, because they are superior to poor folk (minorities). I laugh at anyone who would try and raise a similarity! Then to say that you could be called a racist through your our party's systematic destruction of social programs that would benefit urban, primarily minority communities is ludicrous (and I don't mean that hip-hopper). We Republicans have best friends who are black! At least two a piece! You are right, my GOP Comrade, you work hard and it comes back to you. Why ask for socialized healthcare where (we Republicans believe that) you wouldn't be able to chose your doctor, and everything would be for free, when you can try to make something of yourself and be blessed by your employer with partial healthcare coverage where you can't chose your doctor for sure, and end up paying directly from your check (I think the deduction is listed with the taxes), AND a co-pay fee. And finally, those namby-pamby Libs will point to England, France, and Canada as examples of how it could be in America. They'll point out how a fellow need only be a citizen for coverage. Then, for our parties benefit, they may even point out how racially, they are primarily white, in a hope to calm our fears. You and I know better though, don't we old chum? Who are we to trust such uncivilized nations! They have no death penalty! They don't talk like us! Their Jesus isn't vengeful and doesn't shop at Macy's! And finally - Their citizens aren't as ignorant as we are to be duped by politicians backed by healthcare lobbyists whose only goal is to protect company profit even at the expense of your health. God damnit, does it feel good to be Republican! I'm going to go stab a dolphin and suck its soul through a straw! |
| ... dying. I got the SARS or something. My job sent me home early cause I looked like crap (they didn't even know how much like crap I felt). I have been a mucous machine lately, just producing the stuff for wholesale. I think I may have the plague, which ever one is in season right now. My nose is raw too. All the blowing and wiping (I know this is too much, but I need to get this out). I've been taking this stuff called Zicam, it comes highly recommended, but as far as I can tell the stuff ain't doing jack. What has been working is wrapping myself in forty pounds of sheets and sweating it out while I sleep. This brings up a dirty little truth about America: I couldn't afford to go to a doctor, nor do I have the insurance to cover me. What would happen to me were I to come down with, instead of a cold, say, a hepatitis cold... or herpes. There would be no treatment for me! I'd die in a ditch, a cold, horrible ditch where winos would strip me bare and steal my belongings! And the Repubs say that socialized healthcare would take away my right to chose what physician I see. For the sake of argument, let's say that's true, but as it stands now, I can't choose which physician I can see cause I can't afford to! So give me socialized healthcare you Washington turd-touters, and I'll give you a thumbs up. Michael Moore's newest film "Slacker Uprising" is available for download... FOR FREE! Buuuuuuut, the servers have been crashed since it went up. I'm trying to be patient, but I can't be for much longer. I predict one half of America will really enjoy this film and Fox News won't. Anyone want to place bets on how close to correct I am on that? Okay, you people do what you do, I'm going to get rid of some throat snot. |
| ... so we're going to take it easy, and I'm going to tell you how I use this site. First, I log in and laugh at the Story Master's puny attempts at creating another Jonestown here online. Jim Jones he ain't. Then I check my e-mail. I like some of you more than others so I go through answering my faves first and then I just copy and paste a similar message to all the rest of you. Usually something like: "Thanks for reading, you're way cool." Afterwards, I then purge my inbox to get rid of all the crap epistles you guys send me, and finally I come to my blog. I run through my affirmations: "You're the best, you're the greatest. The men wish they were you, the ladies wish they were with you, and Kay is jealous of your manhood..." etc, etc, etc. Then I strip naked and start kicking out the jams! The thing you don't appreciate is that everything I do here, I do for you. I have a standard that I have to live up to. Somedays that takes a few rails, some white lines, off the desk top. Sometimes I have to touch my naked, hairy self to find my inner self, before I can even touch the keyboard. I need go no further on this topic, cause the outcome is always genius. Then I read whatever you guys have written. I start at the top of those blog links and work my way down. Undoubtedly I get some replies and comments while I do this, but I don't have the time to reply. Reading your guy's blogs is like ripping off a band-aid, I just want to get it over with. But whatever, I'm sick. My throat hurts, my body aches, and I've bee taking this medicine all day. I don't even know the name if it, but the warnings read... oh, wow, would you look at that: "SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE: JACK-ASSERY, PRETENSIONS AND A FALSE SENSE OF AWESOMENESS". Hu, what do you know? |
| ... life. Let me tell you why. A) Every morning I wake up, usually late, and when my roommate Waters is in the bathroom. He has, what we here at the house like to call, his "Hour of Shower". That's where he spends forever shaving his big head down to a shiny, black Q-ball, then he takes a second forever taking TWO showers (one just for the head and one for the rest of him). So what, he's a shower-whore, no worries, right? WRONG! As I aforementioned, I "wake up" during his "Hour of Shower", and if you're a human at all, like I am, then you know there's one thing you gotsta do when you wake up and that's piss till lunch. So, this morning like every other morning I'm stuck with a bladder full of pain and have to listen to him beat the hair out of his Bic against the sides of the sink. Oh, happy days. B) Reason two of why I hate my life: I can't see the future. All of those mistakes in the past I would never have done! That simple! Imagine all I could do for the world!... and myself, like I would have known that a certain Philly Eagles RB was going to miss most of yesterdays game. What fantasy owner would not have started Brian Westbrook though? It appears now to be the difference between winning and losing though. C) Reason 3.... Zach Braff exists. That's right, reason three has nothing to do with my social standing or my inability to change it, it's entirely down to this goofy, obnoxious piece of face-punch-fodder existing and using my name for his own gain. Douche bag. D) The last reason: The Revolution will be televised, and everyone's already forgotten about Gil Scott-Heron. Except you! Here, remember Scott-Heron's jazzy lyrics http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTCQSk2l8bc Make the right vote and vote left. Power to the people. |
| ... F! No one wanted to brag yesterday or the day before? I gave you all two quasi-national braggart days. You modest mother-fkers. Eat this! http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/4ba6062d6f Eat it and then leave me alone. I'm joining the hidden masters of the Himalayas and we're going to meditate on the Wall Street crisis (the problem being that Wall Street is still there). Then read this: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7624143.stm It's funny. |
| ... has good taste. She Funny MB'd me. Now, ask yourself, "what have I done for Z-nificent's ego lately?" Yeah, not much, hu? Maybe it's time you got off your lazy - QUASI-NATIONAL BRAGGART DAY That's right minions, take to the streets, the blogs, the phone and brag it out. That guy who thinks he's better than you, nu-uh, let him know he's not. His kid is reading Salinger in kindergarten, your kid reads Joyce. That lady in the supermarket, her husband is a rocket scientist, your husband invented the rocket and science. Brag it out folks. I prefer the condescending crescendo method. Someone is like: "I was just so thrilled when the pregnancy test came up negative. I must have sperm as smart as me!" You say, "Yeah, your sperm is pretty impressive, all I can say for my sperm is that it's employed... at the CIA." Do you see how that works? You give them the high ground, then crush them under their own stupid, pride. Lie and fabricate, I know that's how some of you will have to operate for brag fodder anyway (see that one!), it doesn't matter. The point of this almost-international day is to say the things you wouldn't say on most other days about yourself. So today, you're all going to brag in my comment box like a frat/sorority socialite (drunkenly and with no purpose but to fill the void that daddy's silence left). My brag: Palin wishes I was the father of her daughter's bastard. That way she'd know the seed was pure and not cut with water or baking soda. Everybody brag. |
| ... to the past. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XT54T42ldec I was affronted! I was assaulted! I was molestered! Down yonder in me comment box by a Palin supporter who spells "f king", "fen" and is probably writing from Edinburgh. I have a video for you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQK1al91drsI need your help, it's time to pick my next tattoo. That's right, you get to help pick my next tattoo right here in the blog. I have narrowed it down to four choices, and here they are: Tattoo Number One: The famous Che silhouette just below the elbow ditch on my left forearm. This one would be tight, but posers who know little about Che have ruined that image. The fear now is that people who see it would consider me one of those posers and not the highly enlightened radical that I am. Tattoo Number Two: "Guerrilla" across my rock hard abs. It's original. Most people get "Thug Life" across their gut, not me, oh no. This tattoo says to The Man, "I'm here to kick your ass", and it says to the ladies, "I'm here to kick your ass". I'm thinking Old English lettering on that one. Tattoo Number Three: The Hammer and Sickle on my upper right biceps. This is a carry over from college, and I'm favoring it less and less. But it is a tat you rarely see. Since I educated myself (cause the US educational system won't) on the tenants of the Soviet system, and I was able to separate Socialism from Communism, this one has been a "maybe". Tattoo Number Four: Barbwire on my left biceps. Oh wait, that's what I got right now, cause I'm a hard ass mother-f  ker... or was so idiotically frat-boyish back when I was 18. Whichever, I probably won't get that one again. Alright, to vote for Tat 1 type "Tat0001" in the comments box. For Tat 2 type "Tat0002" in the comments box. For Tat 3 type "Tat0003" in the comment box. For Tat 4 type "Terrance Blanchard" in the comment box. The votes will be tallied and next week, we'll reveal the tattoo you eliminated. Drink Coca-Cola. |
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