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 |   New and Improved... but only slightly. |
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THE MANIFESTO REMIX You've been pwn'd by ☡.☠ ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| ... people!?! I spend days, even weeks, crafting the perfect barbs, zingers and puns for your amusement, and what do I get in return? "I don't like football, bleh" "Sorry Sarah Palin, but I only like my assault-rifle wielding beauty queens in novelty calendars, not high office." Classic! Marvelous! That's going to win a Peabody God-d  n it! Maybe I have to explain it? Is that it? Picture, Palin in a bikini with her AK in one hand and a fist full of pork barrel dollars in the other (for bridges to nowhere mind you), now, take that picture and place it in your wall calendar above the month of June. Ta-da! Zack one, audience ZERO. Perhaps I need to reintroduce myself: My name's Zack, I'm an amateur writer/drinker and professional bachelor. My hobbies include punching, reading and jump-starting bad-a  revolutions. I was born, that goes without saying, and I figure I will die from either cancer or in a hail of federal gunfire. It's a tax write off no matter which. So, now, I'm going to deliver a joke that I've been sculpting, NAY, nursing with my humor teet for the last few days. Prepare yourselves (oh, and if your ovulating, don't read this joke, it could impregnate you with a funny baby). "What does Sarah Palin and Jet Blue have in common? They don't fly to foreign countries!" Wait a minute,  , come back to my teet joke and suckle some more. |
| ... but I only like my assault-rifle wielding beauty queens in novelty calendars, not high office. It's football season! Fall is pretty darn close to being my favorite season, and it has a lot to do with football. I love waking up at the crack of 11 and spending my day on the couch grimacing as the Rams fumble and stumble their way around 100 yards of turf. Watch this: http://www.theonion.com/content/video/pre_game_coin_toss_makes. It's an excellent spoof of ESPN-esque sports programming, and smartly done I must say. So yesterday I went to Ithaca for the first time. It's a quaint little college town. And just like Syracuse, it's only industry is Cornell and Ithaca College. These cities wouldn't survive without the schools. Syracuse, especially, makes no attempt to hide the fact. The school sits on a hill and at its base is a circle of poverty that relies on the WASPs' tuition (as hourly rates) to survive. Ithaca was kosher, but I hate going to campuses. It reminds me of how the academic community has shunned me. I'm shunned by a lot of social groups and industries in this country, it's sad. The Freemasons, the Knights of Columbus, and the DAR all turned me away from their doors.  It's so lonely being me. |
| ... Agent Orange? We've seen some of the other RUMIEZ, but not that stud. Well ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Agent Orange http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/bf3216c8af My mother is so proud. |
| ... in this country. I believe in democracy and the will of the people to sustain justice and equality. That is why I am voting for Senator Obama in November. Why can't the richest nation in the world care for its poorest? How can the smartest nation in the world evolve in medicine, yet not beyond war? These are questions that I feel Sen. Obama, as president, will answer. John McCain doesn't just represent more of the same, but, if elected, it would represent America's acceptance of lowered expectations. No more "innocent until proven guilty" but "enemy combatant until proven innocent". No more "freedom for all" but "freedom for those who can afford it". He represents a "pro-life" party that is also "pro-war" and "pro-death penalty". I have no opinion of Palin. Nothing different from any other Neo-Con fascist that is. She'll thump the bible and save a fetus and that will make the south happy. There is apparently a "media elite" in this country, did you know? The right is running to cry foul now about sexism in the media, but where were they months ago when the Clinton camp made the same claims? Obama will, when elected, prove that we can be patriotic and support the troops, without having to support a war. I know, I know, the guilt you'd have if you didn't vote your morals and did something that benefited yourself, your neighbor and your country instead of the corporations Jesus (through the hand of Mike Huckabee) blessed. "Who Would Jesus Vote For?" We gone and done it again: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/a64e81c5c3. We're promotional-happy at the moment. I'll tell you a secret... there will be as many promos as there are characters in RUMIEZ. Otherwise, life sucks. My job sucks. My wife left me for a guy with a bigger pick-up truck. Now I sing this song http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/e6faf388ce. EDIT Who just gave me 30k gift points!?! That's re-donk-u-lous! Make yourself known so we may spend them together on furthering our plans of world domination practicing our writing. |
| ... Palin thinks that the Iraq war is a mission from God. That sounds more like a crusade than an attempt to spread democracy. You know what spreads democracy though? This: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/81bfe6e486 Where does that take you? What will you see? I don't know, but you should click it, go ahead... click it  |
| ... and notes. FREE OBAMA STICKERS HERE:http://pol.moveon.org/barackstickers/?id=-10468140-qvdpZix&rc=. Rip it and win! I was sitting in my revolutionary dojo yesterday and I thought to myself that the great unwashed (you) haven't had a quality source of movie reviews in some time. So today, for you, I review movies. The Fall: Done by Tarsem, the guy who did "The Cell" with Jennifer Lopez, this movie is beautiful, brilliant, and brutal all at once. Like "Pans Labyrinth", it's a little girl's fantasy, effected by the world around her. Tarsem shot the film in like 18 different countries, and used no CGI (unbelievable but true). I promise you this is a better movie than that guy at the video counter will tell you it is, and that's because you're smarter than the guy at the video counter. I give it:   in the  bracket.Sukiyaki Western Django: Miike is the greatest living director period. Take an all Japanese cast, make them speak English to mimic dubbing and cast Tarantino as your narrator and you have Takashi Miike's homage to the spaghetti western. - it gets every star ever made because that's how awesome it is. Nim's Island: Gerard Butler should shoot himself now. He was fighting Persians in "300" and now he's (quote)romping(end-quote) it up in kiddy and date flicks. This film gets no stars (despite the fact that Jodie Foster is in it) and I will forgive Butler until "Rocknrolla", the new Guy Ritchie film, comes out and then I will pass judgement. There, now you have something to look forward to from Netflix or Blockbuster. I know, no thanks needed, it's what I do. I get pleasure in knocking you back on your coal mining ass. Until next time, the balcony is closed. |
| ... and show me what you owe me. On a blind date I love her with a slow chrome hand. MF Doom, surely you've heard of him. Ahhhhh, it's such a lovely day here in the Cuse. The weather is perfect, the air smells like perfume and the grass tastes like celery. Mmmmmmm. Yesterday was my 80th day sober. Hooray! I'm making progress! No more rails off striper's butt-cheeks, or shooting up heroin into my bean-bag. No more pawning stolen goods for a quick fix or smuggling orphans from Cuba. I'm a new man! I don't know about you, but I didn't believe me either. In reality I've been sober for 27 years (well, if you don't count beer, booze and...  ... but I never inhaled). I have no story to tell. I was raised in a lower middle class home in a WASPY farm town. That's what cracks me up about reality TV, they put these pretty faces on there who have no real vice or struggle.I was thinking back to this Real World where one of the girls had a break down cause she was broke and couldn't get a hold of her dad to give her money. are you sting me? I still spend a good week on a solid ramen and PBJ diet waiting to get paid, and no one's made a TV show about it. I'll be on COPS before the Real World, and then no one cares about your problems cause you've got 5-0 on your tail (no matter if you are innocent before proven guilty).Then you have the other ones who may have had some strife and they can't shut up about it. Them's the drama queens and kings right there. Certainly there are some things you can't get over fully in your life, but you can shut up about them and realize when you're making people uncomfortable. Some people just can't deal with certain topics. I have a few that I get all mumbly and stuttery about when people bring them up. Back in the Lou we had a party at our house on a summer's eve (  ) and there was this girl murdering a bottle of vodka. Everyone was really impressed and someone asked if she was going to finish it all. She told us, in no uncertain terms, that she would indeed cause she's been taking her's "to the head" for a while. "That's what happens when your dad dies when you're fourteen" That's when the room died. How do you respond to that? You can't! And it takes a good few minutes to rise from a buzz kill taken to the maximum.I don't want to sound calloused or anything, but there's a time and place for everything. I don't ever complain in public about all the bad things that happened to me in my life, like when I was moved from first chair to second in Jr. High School band! Stupid band director, I was the better alto sax! |
| ... Clintons Out! Did you see Hillary's speech last night? Did it raise you from your dejection and lowly state to a condition of action readiness? Did it unify you to your Democratic ally who maybe supported the "other" candidate? Did it make you dream of better days in America without old-white money sitting above your heads? I saw the speech, but my mind was somewhere else. When did Chelsea get hot? Hillary is saying, "...by electing Obama president..." and I'm going, "Yeah, I will, now show me Chelsea again!" Never thought, in the 90's, that I would be saying that. Bill, as I understand it, speaks tonight. The man is, in my opinion, the greatest living stump man in America. He charmed me out of my little blue dress. Hot-cha-cha-cha. In 2005, after that heartbreaker of a presidential election, I was in DC training with the 21st Century Dems, and there was already a "Friends of Hillary" unit there with us. She had really been campaigning for four years right up till last night. Two years ago, when asked if I thought Obama would run, I said he should. At that time Hillary was a far more popular Dem among Dems. The thing is, men vote for men, so in a season of firsts, America would elect a black man before a woman of any color. 18,000,000 cracks though, that's certainly something to think about, and as long as we don't elect a Thatcher, I'm kosher with a lady president. Yesterday I made a Cindy McCain joke and was then reprimanded by the peanut gallery. I understand that Mrs. McCain is an independent woman who inherited worked hard for her wealth. But now, she's going to do what every caddy, rich white suburbanite does when faced with competition... she's going to try and look more pretty, more rich and more desirous than Mrs. Obama... and numb herself with pain killers all the while (Sick Burn!) |
| ... Thunderdome, punks. An ode to McCain's goiter: Oh, bulbous face lump, ye do restrict the candidate's jaw. The round mound of conservative growth, that we do not see in your TV ads, haunts me dreams. Were ye once a cyst? Perhaps a tumor or a zit? What fills your soul now; a want to outsource American jobs? a need for deregulation? Do ye get your lumpy jollies on a night, crushing unions or spreading corporate imperialism? Oh, McCain's mandible mount, are you swelling to Romney? Thank you, thank you. I know, brilliant, your welcome. Besides the facial deformity, have you ever noticed how stiff the old codger is on stage? It's like those old action figures whose arms wouldn't raise above their shoulders or bend at the elbow. And what the f k is up with his wife? She gold-digging or what?McCain = Bush but with a goiter. The only bright side about McCain is that he wouldn't try and appoint Destro to SecDef like Bush did. Yesterday was Jarred's (you know him better as "Jarred" from RUMIEZ) birthday and we all got frat boy drunk... I feel like such a hypocrite. Oh! And Jeremiah (you know him better as "Jeremiah" from RUMIEZ) is back from his Italian honeymoon. All the pieces are coming together. |
| ... everywhere again. "Sorry, bro." is all I hear every time they bump into me. Syracuse U. classes started today, so that means in the past three days I've been in the center of frat-tastic, drunken revelry. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a bender and a tri-Delt (Delta, Delta, Delta, Can I help ya, help ya, help ya!) as much as the next dude, but my God... these boys have barely evolved. I remember being a college freshman and feeling ripped off that there were no frats at my little liberal art school. Not that I was going to join, I just wanted a few killer parties to peruse. I'm glad now though that there weren't any frats. Frat boys look at their commitment as a necessary step in becoming a man. All it proves to me is that you need a posse to roll, and as far as manhood, weeeell, frat boys are usually the guys going, "Bro, you need to condition your arm hair before you shave it. FAKE HEAD-BUTT" BAM. I'm an alpha, I have a problem with authority... I doubt my hypothetical frat house would have been left standing after some dude told me he had to paddle my bare butt so I could be his friend. No friend of mine has ever paddled my bare butt. Freemasons don't pull that shit, I know (the Elks do though I think). Fraters are in the bars too going, "Mmmm, I'd fall into that uterus. Know what I'm saying? FAKE HEAD-BUTT" BAM. I never had a problem with these children last year, but this year it's like a zombie infestation... they stumble about everywhere on Sunday mornings, flooding the diners and waffle joints. Metaphorically feeding on brains and turning the fresh ones into their own kind. Whatev, holmes. Next week... RUMIEZ 2.0 goes to production! FAKE HEAD-BUTT BAM |
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