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 |   New and Improved... but only slightly. |
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THE MANIFESTO REMIX You've been pwn'd by ☡.☠ ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| ... Literati. Bet you didn't know I was smart. I spent most of my evening last night reading a little book by a guy named Joyce, James Joyce, called A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. "Oh wooooooord?" Word, cuz. "In inverse ratio to the square of the distance from death." That's from Tolstoy's Death of Ivan Ilyitch. Who's up now? I get so many letters (zero) from all sorts of people (no one) asking me what it's like to be a genius (or douche bag), and only work this comedy schtick day in and out. Comedy is intelligent, and that's the real schtick. Some of the smartest people are also the funniest you'd ever meet. I bet Dane Cook... well, he's actually not that funny anymore, so he probably isn't that smart either. It's what I call the "Carrot Top Effect": funniness overshadows the book learning and you end up making a series of flop films and sleeping in your own vomit. Not because of consumption, but because you realize you aren't that funny. Sickening. There are funny people here too, like me. Or the king of blogedy Problematic Content  (compensation paid in full). And everyone else is funny too, but everyone isn't the focus of this, it's ME gawd-damn it, and let's keep our focus here.All I'm trying to say is that the Z-Diggity has some smartness hidden up his sleeve (or in his drawers) that I can use at my disposal (when answers.com is up) and make this blog funnier (or correct the bad spelig spelling) So the next time you think that being funny isn't smart, or you read this and think I'm just a clown, remember... I'm a clown with a brain, a big ole fuckin' brain. Ya dig? |
| ... view blogisode. Celebratory music unfit for small children, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNgWQfOd-1M That's right douche bags, thanks to your repetitive clicking on my link I've reached 10,000 views. And I haven't even been trying that hard. Boo-ya. So dig this blogkeys, you know how demanding I get, and how I never really offer anything in return? Well, I'm still not offering anything in return for real, but you can now participate freely in the creation of film and filmic intentions. Last night we shot a short, separate from the series. The script was sent to us by a fan from funnyordie.com, and after the Z-Man used his Jesus finger to turn milk into chocolate milk, we had solid gold. Take a look, it's only three minutes: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/dbdf5ceff7 So, we had a ball and are offering this to everyone. If you want to write a short (two - three page) script for us, we'll shoot it. Story by and co-writing credit assured. We may not even change anything, then you're ballin'. Write and be specific, if we can't do it, we'll improvise (bet you can't guess what we improvised in that short). Format? F  k format! Send us the story and we'll teleplay it.In any event, we have a ball, you should too. Join us on our quest to get rich, famous and in Paris Hilton create meaningful art that raises the standards of the medium. 10,000 views can't be wrong people. |
| ... bigger weapon. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6BJeoHilUI Some mood music. What happened to that beautiful "fuck the man" attitude of the '60s? Cause, personally, I think we needed it back, like, yesterday. There's a certain belief that when times are financially tough, violence rises. I totally know it to be fact, and can't pull myself out of reality long enough not to agree with it. I just disagree with where the violence is aimed. It's usually contained within the poorer neighborhoods, which means people on the same team (so to speak) are hitting each other instead of their antagonist. The US has to be one of the most, if not THE most classist nation in the world. We elect the rich to office every two, four, six years to perpetuate this cycle of aristocratic control. Rich people telling poor people what's best for them. I'm voting Obama, but I doubt he (and certainly not McCain) have ever had to spend a year or two on government support. One of the ways the US aristocracy assures they won't have to deal with the poor is by imprisonment. We have a larger penal system than China! Do you understand that? China's "oppressive" government with all its billions of people still, somehow, imprisons less people than the free and democratic nation of these United States. I have got an idea. When you're down and out, when the man's leaning on you, don't pop your neighbor. Instead drive to one of those pretty, gated communities the profiteers hide in and burn down a couple of them pads. History has proven that change comes when the oppressed, or lower classes, rise up against the ruling or wealthy classes. Vote, by all means, I continue to do so, although nothing much has changed by it (except for corporate tax breaks). I found my Che shirt last night and have been empowered. Viva la revolucion! Watch RUMIEZ: http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=36171427 |
| ... daughters, shoot your sons. It is here: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/bc6fff203e RUMIEZ Episode 19 in which we learn why the KGB agent wants Orange dead. We learn the true father of Elana's baby. There's romance and intrigue. Compassion and terror! You'll cry while you laugh, and then die of shock from our high voltage exposition. This link is to the show on Funny-Or-Die, this way you can watch, then click the funny button at the end (unless you want to vote die, but you don't want me to die really?). That way, when you half ass some constructive criticism here, I won't be so mad at you and stalk you. In any event, I ramble. Try to enjoy the show, cause I don't enjoy sharpening knives in the bushes outside of your houses.  |
| ... knowing I had healed all of your mental problems. Now, it's up to you guys to help me heal one of my bits of anxiety. Anheiser-Busch in St. Louis, Missouri (the greatest city ever invented) is pondering selling out to some Belgium company. As you know A-B is the brewer of such fine swills as Budweiser, Bud Light and Natural Light to name a few. They are also as much a part of the city of St. Louis as the stadium which bears their name. It's up to you to go to these sites below and sign the petitions. We don't want some Belgiumese coming into 'Merica and not speaking American! But more importantly we want to keep A-B St. Louisan owned. Ya dig? Here are some petitions: http://www.saveab.com/ http://www.savebudweiser.com/ What do the Belgiumites know about beer, right? (Shut up) And how would it benefit the A-B workers? And why should you care? Cause I care! It's that simple. ZACKY GET WHAT ZACKY WANT!!!! Tomorrow I'll have a link to post here... and it won't be for music or political goals either  |
| ... is in. Fivesixer  writes -OK Dr. Zack, here goes...do I go for the sure-fire, "of course she's gotta say yes to that" route with CWC and drop trou in Walgreens, or keep chipping away at her until the police no longer let me in the store? Hey 5'6"er, women are beautiful and mysterious beasts of burden that plague men with their mind games. "No" means "yes" and "no". Crazy. It's going to sound like a cliche, but you need to be yourself. Let's face it, if she wasn't interested in you she would have quit by now, called the cops, or asked you to leave her alone. She's playing hard to get. What you need to do is what comes naturally to you. If that's dropping drawers in the store and using your man tackle as a Skip-It, so be it. She'll respect you for being you. Thanks for your letter. In Your Dirtiest Pants writes -Dr Zack, should I quit my job, avoid paying taxes and walk around canada until I die of starvation, get murdered or the government catches up to me? OR should I just tough it out? Ah, Dirty Pants, the quarter life crisis. It's where wander lust and adulthood collide. What is a person to do? Part of the problem lies in one's self-esteem, they need a way to build it up, and the only way to do that is with little victories along the way. I suggest you start stripping. It will totally destroy your self-esteem, but then all the little victories will seem that much bigger. You're Canadian too, which means free healthcare. Any infections you might get from the pole would be treated at no cost. Good luck, Dirty Pants. DDWearsmeout writes -I so need to have some serious sex but I am too picky. How do you guys handle this problem? You obviously haven't read my book "I'll Get You A Kleenex: A Lady's Guide to Doing It Good Like Men Do It". Pickiness is your enemy. Men use what's called "Lowered Expectations" to score. After all, we're talking about finding a mate for one night, not a lifetime yet. Low self esteem is key in your prospective mate. That goofy looking guy at the back of the bar with glasses and a sad face, he's your best friend. Make him feel special for a night and you'll get what you want. I know your next question already, "But what if he gets attached?" Let me put it to you like this: Bush never had an exit strategy for Iraq and he's fucked that country silly. Good luck, DD, and use protection. Special Kay writes -One of my best friends is a Lesbian. She is in a committed relationship, and her significant other is having a Big Birthday Bash this weekend. Last time we all got together, the S.O. got drunk and kept telling me that she wanted to kiss me. She'll probably get drunk again on Friday. I don't want to upset anyone by mishandling the situation. What should I do? Well, Confused, I work primarily with happy, healthy relationships in mind. I think what would be best, for all parties involved, is for you to just do it. Videotape it, go as far as you want, even have some fun with video camera and change angels, get some close ups. Then I'll review the tape, and let you know if I think you and S.O. have something healthy. Your husband may want to see the tape too, and he'll thank you in the end for sharing it with him for the sake of honesty. Have fun Friday, Confused, lord knows I will on Saturday. janieruthryals writes - Dr. Zack, everyone thinks I'm indecisive but I'm not so sure... What do you think? Indecision takes away some of the best moments of our life, and Janie, I hate to tell you this, but it sounds like you're at risk for indecisivity. Note I said at risk, you may just not be making a decision. There are two tests to determine indecisivity, one involving pills the other a liquid medication. It's up to you to choose which test would be best for you. Once you've made up your mind, we'll start the tests. Thank you for your letter, Janie. Well, that's all the space I have for today, but tomorrow - what? What do you mean no one's reading this? You said that therapy was the new comedy! Stupid producers! I guess tomorrow everything will be back to normal. Stay healthy WdC! |
| ... Copyright Legislation is that sponsored thing that keeps popping up, and every time I see it I think of young Pip from "Great Expectations" in a solicitor's robe, arguing law in court. "Good show today, Pip, we're all going out with our parents to dinner, would you care to come?" "Way to go, Will, you know Pip's got no parents!" If anything that should be the premise of a sitcom. One young orphan from the streets of West Philly, argues copyright law by day, and looks for loving parents at night. Starring Billy Baldwin. I'm mean to orphans. Stupid, no parent having kids. I was told that their tears are actually the purest form of drinking water known to man. And unicorn sperm is completely sugar. And fairy dust is cocaine! But whatever, I have a million errands to run today and I'm still sitting here at this computer. WE BLEW UP ON FUNNYORDIE.COM. In a week we've hit more subscribers, members, everything than we had on myspace in who knows how long. It's encouraging. RUMIEZ will soon have a short film (of sorts) too. Sort of like our X-Files movie, it'll bridge two seasons together. Still hot. I only like hot girls and pies, weather sucks. I hate sweating. I've learned, no matter where you are from or where you go, when complain about the weather there's always someone who has had it worse. There's no point arguing, I always just nod and let the speaker know that I totally believe them. End it, cut losses, and run. Guess what, this is becoming an ADVICE column. So your homework: Send in your toughest, Dr. Phil-ish questions and I will give you the proper pieces of advice. Trust me . |
| ... for you, and here's another example of how I help you. I'm pretty poor. Not quite destitute, but sitcom-funny poor. No way I can better my situation anytime soon, so I have to find ways to entertain myself. Like this game I just invented and I invite all of you to play. It's called PROFESSIONAL HIT and all it involves is your imagination. You can play whenever your walking anywhere. The game: You have a hit out on you. Chinese intelligence? Mossad? the X-Files syndicate? Sure, whoever you wished wanted to kill you, they really are trying in this game. So you walk, and you start looking out for the "hit". Suddenly guys sitting in parked cars take on a menacing look. You'll freak out when you think you've seen the same guy pass you twice. You find yourself muttering phrases like "oh, this is a professional hit". Wanna take the game to another level? Try covering your footprints. Dodge CCTV cams, duck and cover, punch a cop and take their gun. Okay that last one was joke. But let's say you're taking something to post office. Pretend it's micro film and you have to get it there before your pursuers capture you. Married? (Over half of my readers are) Pretend your spouse is your femme fatale (well, actually most of you are married women so the male equivalent). That'll spice up the bedroom, grrrrrrowwwllll. See, upper-poverty can be fun while we work our way to lower-middle-class. And this game is a lot more fun (and legal) than throwing rocks at cars. How bored would you guys be without me? It rained, the heat broke and I've five dollars riding on a horse named Pocono Joe in the eighth. Life is good. |
| ... the ladies. I just finished my brand new, sexy profile on drasticdater.org and I want to share it with you. But first, let's put on the m  d music. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqXi8WmQ_WM Awwwwwwww, yeeeeeaaaaaah. Now dig this sexmatic, intranetastic profile: NAME: Z. "Phloppy Phallus" BoSox AGE: Legal CITY: The 'Cuse. BUILD: Athletic. OCCUPATION: Rocket surgeon/Brain scientist TURN ONS: Sexiness. Boobies. Democracy. Camus' "The Plague". America. Shasta. Long hair. TURN OFFS: Dudes. Wine coolers. Theocracy. Brown's "DaVinci Code". Taco Bell. Flatulence that ain't mine. HOBBIES: Doin' it real good like. WHO I WANT TO MEET: Your cervix. OUR FIRST DATE: Would be spent in a battle of seductive wits. ROMANCE TO ME IS: When you swallow. MY PAST RELATIONSHIPS: Don't count. They're over. There's no more arguing over who slept with whose sister, or who gave who the warts. All that matters now is me, you and how good we do it. WHY I CHOSE INTERNET DATING: Cause real women throw drinks in my face for being a seductive, hot summabitch. That, and the machines are rising, I want to have my entire life converted to wi-fi sooner than later. That includes my dating life. Oh, damn! MY Keyboards on fire, on sex-fire, from the hotness of that profile! I guess you, me and all the ladies know where I'll be on Saturday night from now on. Snap! Feel free to copy drasticdater.org's form and fill it out. Let me know what you're feeling... ladies. |
| ... that I couldn't burn. See, look what happens when I get all spoiled and brattish. ZACKY GET WHAT ZACKY WANT!!!! Just be sure that I don't have to call you out ever again. Because all you kids do it, I'm gonna do it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kh8-r6O43Rw. Don't worry, it's music, not a RUMIEZ episode. I thank you all for your viewing of our little, subversive motion video acts of discord. You guys rule, and if there's ever anything I can do for all of you, just ask. We have one confirmed new viewer. One is better than none. We're also on Funny or Die and have been networked through that like 80 times, so we's expanding. Hey, I got a question. Does anybody read this and not comment ever? Just a question, don't get huffy! Just curious. Cause I read other blogs and don't comment, sometimes I feel bad, and other times I just know that I couldn't offer anything helpful or appropriate to the conversation. There are a lot of devote folks on this site, and I fear insulting them on accident. Like when I say that St. Louis is where Jesus kissed the ground and a city grew, they might not like that. There are a lot of girls here too. I stumble into "Sex and the City" type blogs all the time and dry heave. There is not a man who hasn't dated that one girl who owns all the seasons and has a "SATC" night with her girlfriends. Never mind the show is elitist, racist (yeah, ask me why) and stresses the importance of material wealth, let's all pat Candice Buschnell on the back. Bleh! Men need that show. Men need a "SATC" to annoy our lady friends with, and a really good show too. Here's my pitch: Four single men living in war torn Darfur, working for social justice, pursue ladies and their communist goals. It's inclusive, it's romantic, and the hyjinx will be hilarious! I met a hula-hooper, like a professional hula-hooper on Friday. Hula-fucking-hoop cares, right? |
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