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 |   New and Improved... but only slightly. |
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THE MANIFESTO REMIX You've been pwn'd by ☡.☠ ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| ... was going to solicit your advice on the best way to start a spontaneous wet T-Shirt contest, but now it's going to celebrate the 15,000th view. That's right, 5,000x3 times you were convinced that there would be something useful here and you clicked only to have your hopes and dreams shattered. As there was no one here to record the moment but me, I interviewed myself, asking the tough questions that everyone would want to hear the answers to. Me, thanks for taking time out of your day for me. How are you doing? Spectacular. I've just found out that my plan to trick a handful of people into clicking the same link 15,000 times worked. It's the positive results to an experiment I hope will one day bear fruit in the field of monkey training. Me is such an educator of the people, on everything from flag burning to male oppression in a female world. Is that how me will be remembered? As an educator? In a perfect world, yes. But this is an imperfect world, the most imperfect world I've ever seen. So unfortunately I'll be remembered as a gifted lover first, an educator second and finally a gentleman and a statesman. Describe what it's like waking up at God's right hand everyday. (Chuckles) I just am, and that's all I can be. There is some flack aimed your way by the Tall Girls of WdC, the Neocon-Fascist Fan-Fiction Front, Tall Girl Fan-Fascism Fiction Front and RAOK. What's that all about? Some people don't appreciate genius I guess. And what about these new accusations by the We Hate Zack Club, just formed yesterday, that you're slighting (no pun intended) tall girls and their chances with tall guys? Well... I haven't seen anything stating - Are you dodging the issue? Wait a minute you're me! Why are me grilling me! This is no time for an existential break-down, just answer the questions! Are you prejudiced against tall women! The public has a right to know, me! That's it interview over! You want answers talk to my lawyer! There you have it, folks. Witty, most-handsomest blogger ever... perhaps. Height-supremacist? This question can only be answered by his actions... my actions? our actions?...  ... what day is today? |
| ... it's a tall blog! I was talking to someone about tall people and their mating habits. It would appear that tall girls feel left out cause tall dudes prefer short chicks. It's only natural though. Allow me, an amateur biologist (professional bachelor) explain this to you. Our caveman ancestors knew that short chicks were the way to go. A short shorty will always need a tall-glass of man. They couldn't reach the fruit on trees or (if you're a creationist who believes that men and dinosaurs walked side by side) pet a brontosaurus. Hence, they were drawn to tall cavemen, and the tall cavemen enjoyed the feeling of being needed. And the safe feeling of knowing a short bird could do him little damage. Nowadays, a man's realm is the top shelf. That's where he puts his man things, like hammers and high-brow monthly literature with artful pictures celebrating the beauty of women. If he were to date a tall chick his man realm is in danger  and this cannot be tolerated. There are many things about men that women cannot understand. Competition and body hair, the language of grunts and fart-jokes. It's not that us tall, rugged chaps don't appreciate those vikings of beauty that are tall ladies, it's purely a matter of manhood's survival. I've dated tall chicks, why I've even let them see the top shelf, and every time they've misconstrued the meaning of man. They've taken their ability to reach my top-shelf for granted and replaced my man things with gender neutral things like Adam Ant CDs and windex. If anything our breeding with shorts should b viewed as a sacrifice to better the human race. Like when the Ghostbusters crossed their streams, we tall folk are risking our great genes to raise the little people and produce taller folk. Don't thank me for what I do, I don't do it for the praise, I do it for us all. Let's sing a song about manhood http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zey8567bcg |
| ... was that you all a bunch of base heads, stoned out ya damn mind blogging about cats and oreo cookies and st. But what I really learned was what I had always suspected... the man is holding out the best for himself. Beyond the smoking aspect though, think about, like ES Morgan  said, what a cash-crop hemp really is. Rope, paper, ink, fabrics; you could probably make a fuel out of it too that would save us from our gas crisis - - why look at that http://www.hempcar.org/. But so much time has passed, and booze is our socially acceptable vice. Like Paige Turner noted the brewers spend a lot to make sure we ain't blazed cause then every hour is happy hour. Whatever, I'm not a user like you guys, so I'm kosher with it being illegal. I'm judging you all... feel my furrowed brow gaze upon you! 0\ /0 (Does that look like a furrowed brow or ovaries I can't tell). Now guess what! I'm not even supposed to show you this, but I gotta. Remember how I said that Ron Howard and I were making that bio-pic about me? You remember don't you? The one I wrote and all that? Well... I have some clips just for you! The film will run about five hours due to the importance of everything I've ever done and all the sex scenes, plus people who don't know me will need the back story about just how awesome I am. I have here some clips from the scenes dealing with me being in high school, but don't tell anyone I showed you these! They're dubbed so instead of "Zack" everyone's calling me "Danny", but that's just to throw the fangirls off. http://everythingisterrible.blogspot.com/2009/06/sometimes-you-gotta-use-sledgeh... |
| ... the prohibition of marijuana in the U.S. My taxidermist (not my regular taxidermist, but one open on Sundays) was telling me about his green-man while he stuffed my moose. Apparently he's got the finest KB around. Unfortunately, the narcos have surrounded his digs several times and he's escaped by having only the most powerful of toilets installed in his bathroom. So why is weed illegal? Is it really that harmful? Will there be a sudden and dangerous rise in Phish and Widespread Panic fans if weed were legal? WWJD? I don't know! I'm socially inept and it's up to you to teach me! |
| ... tomorrow its anyone's guess. It's World Ocean Day all day long! Hooray for oceans, that's where fish and gamblers who f ked up one too many times live. Jaws and Godzilla are both from the ocean too.World Ocean Day was started by The Society to Preserve Danny Ocean, but the environmentalists took it over and now we worry about fish... f  cking fish. I'll give them environmentalists a fist-fish, its habitat - their faces!Today is also the 85th Annual International Kentucky Day of Inappropriate Laughter. That's right, it's a day of laughing at things we shouldn't like infants holding live hand grenades and Manuel Noriega. So today tell me what you shouldn't laugh at but do. Me, I laugh at old people falling... financially. Ha-ha you're poor! |
| ... and I don't blog on the sabbath. |
| ... I have to paint that damned deck. I put it off yesterday, so now I gosta paint it today. Sumabitch. Thanks for the advice about the High School reunion yesterday. If I condense all that advice into one stream, I get this: Go to the reunion wearing nothing but a fruit basket and tell everyone that it's really your twenty year reunion, then apologize for the mistake, because you're now a time traveller and confuse dates. I predict a 50% pregnant/have given birth return on my class. The other 50% are dudes. And as far as meeting any foxy ladies, I went to school with the same chicks all through grade school and high school. So they're more like sisters... although there is that weird sexual tension between brothers and sisters (it's okay I can say that I don't have a sister). I hate the 90's more and more. Look at this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlLIL9rbECE&feature=player_embedded I'm beginning to think there was more and more cheese produced in the 90's. I'm not ragging on this video cause it's a pro Desert Storm war song, I'm just saying, I had always thought we brought our production values to a new high in the 90's... but they were low... oh so very low. I don't know what's funnier about it, Oral Hersheiser singing or the cute private who thought celebrities didn't have time for the troops... eat that Bravo Company, celebrities do have time for the troops! |
| ... summer of my discontent... and whatnot. Did you read this? http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090605/sc_livescience/conservativesaremore... It's an article about a study that says "squeamish" people tend to be conservative when it comes to politics while liberals tend to be right (  I bet someone out there wants to teach me something now).Today I am at my mom's, alone, house sitting, cat sitting and I have to paint her deck while she's off in sunny, stylish Branson, Missouri... . Well maybe not stylish but weather-wise it's supposed to be sunny. I can think of nothing better than to share this experience with my best friends... you guys. Or, another way of looking at it, is that misery loves company and who better to bore than a site full of writers with nothing to do.So what I'm going to do is [TWIT]. It's like tweeting only not copy-written and incumbent on my joining a social networking site where people I don't want to find me could. So through out the day I'll [TWIT] and you can see just how much fun I'm having. Uh-oh, here comes the first Twit! [TWIT] 11:21 CST I just decided I'm going to put off painting the deck until tomorrow. Instead I'm going to write poetry, like this bit about my lost youth: Oh Youth! So innocence full and STD free. My heart's fanny pack bulges, with picture post-card memories of days long gone. Do my eyes still reflect my childhood dreams, as my bald spot reflects the sun? Now I am a man, with big pecs, and little pretension. Perfect? Nay! But close enough. Genius. [TWIT] 12:55 CST I was just invited to my high school reunion... should I go? I don't know. I think I'll just send a card and a cheese basket. [TWIT] 5:53 CST You know how I used to claim that North Dakota didn't really exist cause no one's ever been there and no one knows anyone from there... http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124415780405186905.html?mod=yhoofront... who knew? I just spend a good two hours trying to unify late 16th century Japan on the ol' XBox... it sounds loser-ish when said aloud, but I feel proud of my accomplishments. [TWIT] 6:53 CST He may spell his name Zach, but he's still a Zack to respect http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/8b3bb6d401/zach-galifianakis-will-punch-you-in-... [TWIT] 7:40 CST If I drink it wouldn't be considered sad and pathetic cause I'm alone right? I mean you guys are hanging out with me yeah? [TWIT] 8:15 CST I see that David McClain is taking some time out of Blogsville for a while, and you know what that means... power vacuum! That's right, it's time for me to live out my life the way I knew it would go: a great and respected man vacates a post (even if honorary) such as mayor of Blogsville and I throw a coup! Then I die in a hail of federal gunfire, or in this case a cavalcade of unsupportive e-mails. Either way they'll make a movie of this. [TWIT] 10:24 CST If you were my mom, where would you put your pizza pan? |
| ... to take my pants off yet!?! Patience... patience. I've learned a lot in the past few days and yesterday Noe and Paige Turner confirmed that the proper way to get rid of your old flag is to... well... burn it . And DDWearsmeout let me know that there are three official US flag manufacturers here in the states, but what body officiates flag making I don't know.But enough about that, let's get down to business. Semper Fi to GM. The once Specific, later General Motor company is bank-rizz-upt. They broke, living on their momma's couch and eating Ramen. Will I ever get the LeBaron of my dreams now! North Korea has violated South Korean waters... if I had a nickel for every time my north violated someone's south... It's the 1989 Tiananmen Square massacre's 20th anniversary. It's also the 20th anniversary of Nixon saying, "They think they can kill more students than me, eh? I'm off to Kent State!" The Battle of Midway began today too (during WWII, not today, today). It was the second fight on the allies' march to Alltheway. And finally, Wal-Mart says it plans to hire 22,000 people this year. Related, it is predicted that another 22,000 people will be without healthcare, a living wage or self-respect by years end. In the words of the great John Cleese, "Now for something completely different", it's King Kong on dialysis: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3_BZxLTIg4&feature=player_embedded |
| ... was that you can't take the netizens of WdC lightly. There's a lot of intelligence and passion out there and I hope you guys love the debate as much as I do. But here's a summary of what I learned: What I learned is the physical flag is the embodiment of a nation's values and the like, and therefore is a symbol of the whole system. As such, it represents both the good and the bad of a nation. The American flag represents the ideas of freedom and democracy, it also though, to a portion of the world represents imperialism and now (especially in the Middle East) war and occupation. I am a strong supporter of protest. It's my right as an American citizen and in fact my duty to protest those things which I find lacking. If this right were given up then a democracy grows weaker. I think it was great that the conservatives got out and protested around tax time (the Taxed Enough Already Parties), I didn't agree with it, but who am I to stop them from protesting. And I think that's why I am completely indifferent to flag burning. Would I do it? No, because I don't think it's socially acceptable and I don't want to be associated with it. But I don't have the right to stop anyone from doing it. I certainly don't want a law passed banning it, because then we have to define, legally, what's offensive and what's not. I'm personally offended by Fox News because I feel it's partial, biased and manipulative, but then I'm a fan of the Daily Show and such which others would find to be offensive. There is no perfect society, and the risk we take as Americans is that something will come along that we don't like and we have to tune it out. "we have the freedom to do what we please, maybe not what is right, but what we please" - inhercat. And like PlannerDan said, our troops - "fought and died for his privilege to act so stupidly" (by burning the American flag). We are in the midst of globalization and our world is changing faster all the time. It can be scarier, but more opportunities to create peace will arise as well. I would much rather have the physical, American flag, probably made in China of cheap synthetics, burned then what it represents. And while people are protesting by burning the flag, they're not playing Weather Underground and bombing buildings or killing people. Yesterday there were some omissions, some vagueness and a bit of specificity. Firstly, I never said what the flag was being burned in protest of (I don't think that would have made a difference though). I did however specify that it was the American flag. I'm wondering now how the Canadians, English and those in Turkey might feel if it was their national flag being burned (Sarah, Paul, Ashley - I'm looking at you guys). Here's something else I learned - lightning storms blow out wireless routers, and typing on your stomach next to the modem cause you have a short cable is uncomfortable. I also relearned my love for Fallout 3 on the XBox 360. I need to be taught more though! What I need to learn now is... well, let's wait till next Tuesday. |
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