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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
| The latest scoop on Hector’s death is linked below. I was thinking this morning as I drove to work. It seems I have taken Hector’s death harder than the deaths of Shafter or Armand. So I said, Self, why is that? I think it’s because Armand was sick with Cancer. He was in pain. I knew his time was coming. Shafter was very sick with alcoholism. He was a very sad soul. Also he had not been a daily part of my life for about a year when he died. I am almost certain had he and I still been tight like we were… this would have been a lot harder for me to deal with. Especially if I was still using… and the truth is, I wouldn’t be around Shafter and not be using. I knew he would have to be gone from my life if I ever wanted sobriety. Hector was young and vibrant. His life had just begun. He was a good kid who showed me that he cared about life. Sure, he was still a kid and a little gangster but his heart was good. He would have grown up and made a fine man in time. Obviously, he did what he was here to do and his time was up. Chances are I will never come to understand why his life had to end so soon and like it did. But that’s ok because I didn’t write the book! http://www.oaoa.com/news/odessa_7001___article.html/orona_murder.html My sponsor is speaking at a club out west of town tonight. So I am going out there at 8:00 to listen to her. I don’t like being out that late cause I’m early to bed and early to rise, but I really want to hear her speak and show her support. I don’t know… I may talk myself out it… but maybe not. I’m trying to think of a story idea. I WANNA WRITE! I want to lose myself in some good fantasy and forget about the rest of the world for a while! Some of my fondest memories have been with just me and the keyboard. I want that high back! I miss it! I publicly changed my dry date at today’s noon meeting. Sarah and I both did as we were called on to read and speak. August 20th, 2007… I have been sober 10 days now! That’s in a row too! A man that use to attend meeting with me but is now in prison wrote to me asking if I would write the parole board on his behalf. Sure I will! But uhh… What am I suppose to tell em’? Kelly’s mom called me last night and gave me the address and a few ideas on what to say… but I’m still a little confused. I need step by step instructions! So I been goggling and haven’t really found any great ideas. You see I am a perfectionist. So I don’t want to do this sloppy. I want to send a bad ass letter that just floors the board and makes them want to release him! And really I do have much respect for him. He is of good character and that which I write in regards to him will be truth. Anyone have experience with this? Thus any suggestions on how I should begin? HELP! Well… I’ve done well on my intake today. I had an oatmeal to go bar for breakfast. I had a tuna sandwich and a half a cup of Cheese nips for lunch. Lot’s of water! And uh… two pieces of chocolate from Whitman’s candy box….  That’s not so bad… is it? But then again, the day is not done! |
| I woke up this morning… got down on my knees next to my bed, lowered my head and threw some names upward at My Father, bringing to his attention the people I wish for him to bless and make His unconditional love known to them. I then hunkered down on the bedroom carpet and lounged around in the presence of my founder. After only a few minutes I had the superb idea that I would get on the weight scale this morning. I wasn’t pleased with the results. In fact, it affected me quite notably as I prepared myself for the day. As I bathed, dressed and applied makeup etc… the following thoughts consumed my mind: I’m wearing concealing clothing from now on. No more yummy coffee creamer. Back to carrots, apples, grapes, and lean cuisine. No more snacks off the break room table. Back to the gym. Call them this morning! Wear lots of black! Drink nothing but water! I get to the office and Sarah is sitting on the front steps jamming out on her Ipod. I plop my overly healthy behind next to her on the steps and extend my bottom lip. She just keeps singing away…  Hello? I need you… I’m depressed! I weighed this morning! Her words were very kind and did make me feel better. And the thing about Sarah is she tells it like she sees it. She don’t just blow kisses for the hell of it. So I know that her words rang some truth as to her thoughts anyway. And I felt a little relief. However! I got to RECOGNIZE! There is the major factor in why I haven’t felt good lately. We can not have optimal performance when we are not properly caring for ourselves. This is mind, body and soul. There should be a balance! Moderation is the key Moderation: the quality of being moderate; restraint; avoidance of extremes or excesses; temperance. Hell! I have lived my whole life going from one extreme to the other! So this is a new challenge for me. Sure I want to shed some poundage but this is also a self criterion. And I’m eager to begin this next pursuit. Then I get online and go read my daily words and I find the following topic on Joyce’s website with the attached scripture. ROFL… ...and put no confidence or dependence [on what we are] in the flesh and on outward privileges and physical advantages and external appearances. —Philippians 3:3 God is so Witty and watchful of my state of mind. I just love my Big daddy! Then I get an IM from John: John Sedberry (8/30/2007 8:15:07 AM): good Morning ms j even tho you didn,t won,t to speak this morning still have a great day GOD IS GOOD> Jennifer (8/30/2007 8:15:46 AM): Good morning! Jennifer (8/30/2007 8:16:07 AM): You have a great day too! Then he walked down from the warehouse all smiling, so I told him my spill about why I wasn’t real friendly this morning and he said, that’s all in your head! OK, I’m going to smoke! But I ain’t eatin’!!! that’s for sure! No more licking the chocolate off the donuts! |
| I just kicked back with an iced down glass of Diet Dr. Pepper… It’s HOT out there! baking, blazing, blistering, boiling, burning And I’m bummed. In the words of the distinguished JJ This is the Grumpy Aunt Jeni Yes… The PMS blues. It’s hell being a woman! But I damn sure am glad I’m not a man! That’s for sure. I forced myself to go to the store after work. I almost talked myself out of it… However, begrudgingly I Shopped. What? No, it wasn’t the fun shopping. I needed to get a few groceries… not much fun in that. So I walked through the produce section of HEB. No, I didn’t go WalMartin’ today I chose their competitor since they have gas pumps and the cheapest fuel in town…killed two birds with one stone! Poor birds… I did almost hit a couple of birds today. Long story and no meaning so I’ll be moving along. As I pushed my buggy through the aisles the good Jen said… get us some carrots, apples, maybe a green salad and some fat free ranch dressing. The bad Jen said No! We want Chili Cheese Frito Pie with lots of Onion! So I got an onion and headed away from the produce. Does anyone know why can chili with NO beans is more expensive than Chili with beans? This had my mind boggled as I wanted no beans… but I have to pay more for less? I just don’t get it! Anyway, Got my coffee creamer… oh and coffee… Lawd! I bought some off the wall brand of coffee the other day cause it was cheaper than the rest… Remind me to never do that again KAY? Talk about nasty! Just almost ruined my Sunday morning coffee chat with… myself! I did stop by the pet aisle and got the babe a treat. Yes, She loves this little canned wild salmon with greens… it’s expensive for me 79 cents a little can … remember I’m a broke bitch… but since I love her so much and I love to see her happy … I got her two of em’. She done ate and is passed out on the sofa now! Got her little belly filled… I don’t give her canned cat food very often. It’s a specialty meal to her. She usually gets that indoor cat food that’s supposed to help with hairballs, doesn’t always work. I stepped in a hairball yesterday… I was gonna blog about it yesterday, but I forgot! I need to start carrying a little note pad! All these awesome ideas that I am just letting slip right by me. So, I got stuck in the five o’clock traffic… well, I say stuck… I mean Odessa isn’t like Dallas/ Ft Worth or nothing but we aren’t a one stop sign town either. And while at the grocery store everyone kept getting in my way! I’m usually a friendly gal to pass by in the grocery store or sidewalk. Most times I smile and say hello to just about everyone I come across. Not today… No, I couldn’t even force a smile… Get outta my way!  I said calmly to myself. So, then the little girl that takes my trash out came to me as I was unloading the grocery bags from the car. She asked if I had lost my … Oh never mind when she say it in my hand. I said, Yes I had dropped my case the other day and someone took the money that I had in it. I knew by the look on her face she was guilty. She didn’t respond at all… looked down and walked away. Ahhhh Haaaaa! Now I know! Of course, I didn’t tell her that I could read her like a book… but it was quite obvious. Well, at least the kids got it and hopefully they got some cool little kid stuff with it. I guess I couldn’t ask for more. She is quite the little businesswoman. I use to pay her 2 bucks to take out my trash. Well, when I was dating Bobby he would give her 5 bucks for taking out the trash. But after we stopped seeing each other I took her back down to $2 and she sure let me know that her services had not changed… why had the fee? Yes she did. And now she has put me on the bottom of her clientele list. Sarah and I went to lunch at “Long John Silvers”… I was wondering today about the different restaurants across the states and curious as to who has what… I don’t know I am a bit bored at times. I know that not many places have a “Taco Villa” like we do here in Odessa. In fact! My brother made me send some burritos home with JJ on the plane! and JJ’s Mom wanted some too! Okkkkkkaaayyy… Shall I get something for the new spouses too? Don’t they need a bite of West Texas? They’re not from Odessa and never heard of Taco Villa… Don’t even know what they are missing! Everyone that moves away from here always wants Taco Villa when they come back to visit. So… I emailed my dad cause my mom put a guilt trip on me for ignoring him. So I just shot him an email and told him I’s cool… no worries. I got everything figured out about this upcoming surgery bullshit… I’m poppin’ pills left and right for the next week… AND they don’t even change the way I feel! This sucks! But I will be glad when this is over and I can carry on with a healthy Cervix and maybe make me some babies down the line! Oh wait… I got to get married first… Oh wait! I got to fall in love first…Oh wait! I got to get ME figured out first! Well anyway, at least I’ll have that part behind me. Well... I have nothing more to say. I can not believe this… I actually am going to shut down the computer and go lay up in bed after I eat my Frito Pie. I’m going watch me something on TV or maybe read or maybe just sit in silence… and Tomorrow is going to be a good day TATOR! I think that personal inventories shouldn’t count on PMS days. And therefor… I’m not even going take one today! An angel says ~ a good thing to remember and a better thing to do, is to work with the construction gang and not the wrecking crew.  Let’s go to bed babe… |
| I called my doctors office this morning. Patti gets on the phone… and hurriedly answers my questions half assed… It is clear to me that she is giving her best efforts to get me off the line. I got a little ugly… I just couldn’t help it. I had a moment… “Do you even know who I am and what procedure I have scheduled?” I did NOT appreciate her lack of concern. You know this procedure may be something she sees’s everyday but it’s MY first time. This is MY lou lou we are talking about and ALSO it’s my DAMN money that’s paying for this. Well, insurance but still I have to pay like the deductible the day of the surgery, this is about $200. Well she had no idea what procedure inquiring about. I asked her politely but firmly to get someone on the phone that does know who I am and what I am asking about. And she did. Judith. Finally, a woman that knows what she is talking about and can answer my damn questions! So she is calling in my prescriptions today. The other chic told me they will be called in the day before surgery? Hello? I’m supposed to be taking them NOW! Uhhh… So 1600 mg of IB everyday for the next week, a valium the night before and then the day off take three of another prescription and another 800 mg of IB.  Can I have one of those valiums now? Pleaaaaaaaaaaaassseee… And no sex for two days prior to surgery… I just don’t know if I can manage that one. I took off on my break and went and got me some Midol… I’m hoping they kick in very soon. Well, I guess I will do some work or something… Now that I got that shit taken care of! Moving right along… |
I’m less than vivacious this morning. Ms R is kicking my booty. I have a blemish on my eyebrow.  A big one! It hurts! Sarah wants to volunteer to help out the food bank during the Fair. I say… Hell no… Look toots... I been around a minute or two and I know how things go with these “volunteer” opportunities. I want to get paid! I’m selfish … yes… but I did compromise. I let her sign me up for two hours on a Saturday in the middle of September. I’m preparing for surgery again. During my lunch hour today I am going to pick up all my prescriptions and start taking the pain relievers they told me to begin a week prior. I did get my mileage reimbursement today! So I’m not as broke as I thought. She paid me for all of it and I was a little concerned since I didn’t keep track of my mileage. I just went on map quest and found the correct miles to each destination. Hey it worked! Yay! I am missing Candice this morning. She was the girl that use to straighten my hair for me each morning? Member? We had a lot of fun together. I miss her lots. John told me that he heard Randy is getting out soon.  I felt bad for not writing and I was going to write to him this morning but after John told me that I changed my mind. I just want to live and let die. I really hope that he finds a job elsewhere when or IF he does get out soon.I know that I plan on finding something else. I’m not in a big hurry; I am considering my options… Either find a different job? Or start college classes? I’m thinking this over but right now Odessa is booming! There are jobs everywhere here… I could be making a hell of lot more money but the advantage of this job is the freedom and insurance benefits. I’ll dive deeper another time. No energy to boot. I am in desperate need of some Midol. Ms R is such a bitch sometimes. |
| Good News Sarah is no longer sponsor-less! My sponsor talked to Greda and Greda said she would sponsor Sarah… all Sarah has to do is ask her! My sponsor told me but I haven’t told Sarah cause its important that Sarah do this on her own. Though my sponsor and I were concerned about Sarah being rejected but since we know she won’t be… we can breathe a sigh of relief and know everything is going to be just fine  I was upset yesterday… as some of you read.  I was afraid… very afraid. You know it stresses me to no end knowing that I took this girl back out. She JUST got out of prison and is a recovering heroine addict. Heroin is no Party favor! It’s about the meanest drug you can get a hold of. My sponsor tells me… I can’t keep her sober and I can’t make her relapse. She chose this right along with me…Regardless of what anyone says…it’s STILL on ME… I was suppose to be the leader. I failed. I am responsible. I haven’t hit the kind of bottom that Sarah has. NOT YET! There are always those YETS. Oh, I’ve got a couple of whisky dents to my new car, got my feelings hurt a few times… so I told dear ol’ dad to kiss my ass more than I maybe should have… sure, I have hit an emotional bottom… the day I woke up in the morning searching for a crack pipe is the day I checked myself voluntarily into rehab. I never let myself go as far as I could have. I would always straighten up long enough to hold on to what little I had and once I felt secure again… I would twist away… I did live on the edge for many years… and ONLY by the Grace of GOD am I sitting here in front of this computer writing my heart out on this screen. If we really got what we deserved, I would either be dead or in prison. Thank GOD we don’t get what we deserve! But the truth is… when I heard Sarah saying some of the shit she said yesterday, it broke my heart! When she told me she stopped by ol’ boys place this last weekend… I swear my heart damn near plunged from my chest. The consequences of this relapse have made themselves known. I’m not just playing with my life anymore. This time I played a game with her life and yesterday I thought I was going to lose it. Today… I saw that even though she argued with me yesterday and we went at it head on… She did hear me. She did recognize. I saw it in her today. Though she never once said, “Jen your right!”… And Damn it! And I looooovvveee hearing those words! I could tell that I said something that caught her attention. Today we made a noon meeting. I tested her and said we didn’t have to if she needed or wanted to do something else. She said, No I need this meeting. Then let’s Rock & Roll sweet baby!   The same heart that was breaking yesterday is smiling today. My sponsor wants me to write about the lessons learned during this relapse ~ #1 – this ain’t no fucking game. I can’t be puttin’ a pistol to the heads of those that I love and Playing Russian Roulette with their lives! Or mine for that matter… I am SO HAPPY That we have found Sarah a strong, full of the program… gonna love her into sobriety sponsor …just like mine… I can not explain the great feeling I have right now. Be right Back… I got to bust a move and waltz around the living room for a minute! I got my bullets back Woot! Another Lesson Learned This morning I woke up early. I had my quiet time. Did my prayers, laid there and just let God love me as I was loving on Him. And You know what? Today was a much better day then I have had in a lonnnnggg time. I got to have that time for my soul to connect with Him… or else I find myself in places I don’t want to be… like in my own head, lost in the darkness of an addicts mind! Wheww… I would not recommend anyone to go there alone! Very scary place! So from now on, I’m getting up BEFORE the roosters… I’m gonna get me some peace of mind … going to any length to do so. Hector As I went about my job, calculating credited hours, inserting them into our database… Confirming that the sign in sheets are dated and timed and agreeing with the time cards that probationers use to clock in and out. There at the bottom of the pile of cards sat Hector Medrano… I had to stop and catch my breath. My face fell into the palms of my hands. I remembered the day Hector came in for the first time. His eyes were blood shot and I nudged him with my elbow and in a low voice asked, “you high?”… His response was clear… I had startled him. I mean I don’t look like a girl that would be Tokin up on a pipe or even know what one looks like when stoned. Well, not at work anyway. I dress in bright colors and prim and proper… which really shocks the hell out of me cause I use to be just the opposite. He stuttered and said, “No Ma’am” he wasn’t sure how to respond to me, it was obvious… but when he realized I was just someone that had been there and done that. It opened up a door and he seemed more inclined to just shoot the shit with me. He showed me pictures of his girlfriend and baby that he had on his cell phone and talked about how she kept him under her thumb, said she was the jealous type and he felt he had to answer to her. I remember telling him that she was a hottie… a hell of a lot better looking than those girl volunteers that you been sliding up against. He said, “really?”… Like shocked… yeah, he was a little flirt. It’s like I have this frozen image of him walking past my desk from the warehouse stairs to the break room… he would always turn my way and smile flirtatiously. With his white tank top and sideways cap… with a devilish grin and twinkling Spanish eyes. He was shot on a Thursday. He was there at the food bank on that Thursday. It was the day that I got on to him for taking an underage volunteer for a ride in his car during the 15 minute break. I think they went to get high and I told him that… he swore that wasn’t it… I’ll never know and it doesn’t make a damn… but that Wednesday before he died, we were doing Inventory in the warehouse and we weren’t taking volunteers. He showed up at 8AM and begged me to find a place for him because he had until Friday to get his hours or else he would have to face the consequences from his Probation officer. So… I got Raymond to take him out on the truck. I remember how his face lit up when I told him he could stay and work… It just blows my mind… if he had known that he had that day and only one more to live… Who would give a damn about getting those hours! If I would have known that this kid was about to meet his maker… Would I have talked to him about Jesus instead of talking to him about smoking weed and hanging with minors? I just can’t even find the words to say what I want to say… It reinforces the FACT that for ME… I don’t know what the plan is… but if I listen closely and seek Him … regardless he will use me in the way He needs me. If I never achieve anything else in my life… just knowing that I am an instrument of use to my Creator is enough to make it all worth while. I am so THANKFUL that I reached out to Hector with my heart. I got all up in his business… I did it on the cool… I did it with a genuine care for him and for those still suffering from this disease that has killed so many of my friends and loved ones WITHIN the last MONTH. I knew Hector was high when he showed up his first day. I’m so THANKFUL that I didn’t kick his ass right out of there. The thought did cross my mind and then I remembered where I come from. I thank GOD that I can hear that still small voice that he speaks through. What would we do if we knew this was our last few days on Earth? Obviously it’s not meant for us to know… but the truth is… We got to live like we were dying. We got to tell the people that we love just how much we love them. We got to forgive and forget and do our best to make our memory something worth leaving behind in this world. I got to move on now… Soon… I am going to create special writings in memory of Hector, Shafter and Armand. I’m going to scan their pictures and give them a home in my portfolio. It’s my only way of telling the world how their lives touched mine. What’s going on lately? I’m changing my meeting times. Sarah started school yesterday and she can’t make our usual 5:30… So… We are now official nooners! That really works out better for me too. I like to come home in the evenings and write! I’m still avoiding my dad’s phone calls. I know… That’s not nice! I just don’t want to talk! He really hasn’t called since Sunday but I still feel guilty for not calling him back. It just takes a lot of energy from me to have to deal with him and right now I just can’t hang with it. I’m signing another six month’s lease here at my apartments but I’m looking for another home! I’m sick of this place… time to move on! So I’m planning a move around the first of the year. I’m looking forward to this. Also, I’m getting back in touch with my old counselor. I have his cell # but I don’t want to call it… I want to call the office and make an appointment like normal clients. So this is on the agenda. My sponsor is such a busy lady… in fact, I’m seriously thinking about getting a second sponsor. I’m just afraid that it might hurt Sheree’s feelings or WORSE she might just dump me… and I don’t want that. It’s just I was talking to her on the phone the other day and she put me on hold three times within 10 minutes to catch the other line. I just don’t feel like she has time to listen to little bullshit whines. I’m still thinking it over. Well… If you made it this far… THANKS! And I you! |
| THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT LIVING IN TEXAS Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas plus a couple no one's seen before. If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites. Onced and twiced are words. LOL… MY ex and all his family said the word “TWICED” every time and it drove me crazy! It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy. People actually grow and eat okra. 'Fixinto' is one word. This is one of my words! There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper. Reminds me of my dad… Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar! AMEN Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you." "DJeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?" You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them. YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM Texas IF: You measure distance in minutes. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. OH LAWD You use "fix" as a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store." I know that’s right All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. You know what a "DAWG" is. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip & sports. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm." ROFL You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas! . This is NO joke! Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Wal-martin" or off to "Wally World." You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean weather. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop. it's Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda coke you want?" YEP Fried catfish is the other white meat. woot! We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive! ** This forward has been sitting in my email for a while now, I just clicked on it this morning and I am so cracking over here! Funny, Funny, Funny! Have a beautiful Tuesday My blog buddies~ |
| Hey I didn’t do so good tonight on inventory. I did learn something today though. People annoy me less when I can click them away. Too bad I can’t click some folks out of my sight up at work. And really they aren’t so bad. I woke up bitchy this morning. I am obsessing about something and it ain’t healthy. It’s beginning to consume me and I got to break it. It’s not a drug or drinks…not even Chocolate or sleeping pills. But it is part of my emotional sickness, which all those things are, but a symptom off… So I’m on a mission to stop it before it goes any farther. More details later, MAYBE… Now that you guys know what I look like I feel like I have to watch myself in here! I just might run into you somewhere! Now that you know what my sponsor looks like, You just might call her and tattle on me! No, I’m kidding… but it does make a difference in my writing knowing that you might just recognize me if you ever saw me. I don’t want to get all crude about my personal stuff no more that’s for sure. Well…Honestly, I still don’t give a damn… Life is so strange when its changin', yes indeed Well I've seen the hard times and the pressure's been on me But I keep on workin' like the workin' man do And I've got my act together, gonna walk all over you I’m in a mood today. I have no tolerance for people. I woke up just pissed off this morning, didn’t even feel like putting on my face… I’m not so sure I brushed my hair. I just went to work. Everyone at the job keeps asking Sarah, “What is wrong with her?” This has been going on since the relapse. I have just been in a shitty ass mood. Even sitting here at home over my vacation days I was in a shitty ass mood. Yesterday was my first day of inner peace but that was shot to hell when I couldn’t get to sleep last night cause I been sleeping so much over the weekend and then I woke up late this morning and pissed at the world. Gimme back my bullets Put 'em back where they belong Ain't foolin' around 'cause I done had my fun Ain't gonna see no more damage done Gimme back my bullets Some people have just really been getting on my nerves. And I have had my fill… I imagine Ms. Monthly is adding to this intolerance of mine about now but STILL I don’t understand how some people can be so…. So…. … Lacking of knowledge. Sarah told me that she stopped by the guys house that we got our relapse material from that weekend. My heart fell to my feet. When we were alone, I was like… “Sarah? Remember that we made pinkie vows to continue with our sobriety?”… There she goes… Theerreee sheeee goooesss agaiiinnn Defending herself… saying she just stopped by cause she was on that side of town and only stayed 15 minutes and blah blah blah… You can’t fool me CHIC! We are of the same bred! I don’t give a damn if you stopped by with the purest intentions… You don’t need to be there. We can’t go back to our old playgrounds and playmates and expect to stay sober! She kept on with her arrogant know it all personality that I CAN’T fucking stand in ANYONE… Finally, I told her… Look! I’m not your sponsor, but I’m somebody that cares a lot about you. You don’t need to be over there for no damn reason! Take it or leave it! But I will tell you right now… so that there will be no misunderstandings… I’M NOT GOING BACK OUT… I’m chasing sobriety, it’s what I want… and if you go back out… just know that I won’t be around while your doing it. I won’t have nothing to do with you. I can’t! This ain’t my first rodeo and I know for a FACT, I can’t be around my old playmates and playgrounds. It’s bit me in the ass EVERY time I have been… Trust me, I may not know how to stay sober… but I damn sure know HOW NOT too… and that right there is a damn good way! Sweet talkin' people done ran me out of town And I drank enough whiskey to float a battleship around But I'm leavin' this game one step ahead of you And you will not hear me cry 'cause I do not sing the blues Then she tells me she is driving her friend’s car… She has a suspended license… I’m like. Do you want to go back to jail? Do You like fucking around with your freedom like this? You need to recognize! AND She’s taking shit from the warehouse… I don’t like this either… We work an honest program. There is no such thing as an honest thief. Maybe I aim too damn high, maybe my standards are above the norm but she keeps her purse in my desk drawer and damn it I don’t want no food bank stolen shit stuck up in my desk. Then she has the nerve to tell me about another co-worker who stole some stuff…just all talking smack about her I ask her what’s the difference in what you’re doing and what you’re telling me she does? Well… She took like sacs and sacs full… OKAY… AND your point? I don’t see a bit of difference. I’m flustered and it’s pouring out now! Been up and down since I turned seventeen Well I've been on top, and then it seems I lost my dream But I got it back, I'm feelin' better everyday Tell all those pencil pushers, better get out of my way I took leftovers to work and fed Sarah and John for lunch. While sitting at the break room table with volunteers from a CHRISTIAN rehabilitation center she is mouthing off about how she needs to get laid. I whispered, “A woman can get laid anytime she wants, your just acting too desperate or something…” I really don’t understand cause I ain’t never had a problem with finding a man to bang me. I’m no supermodel but you know a woman can get laid any time she wants too! That is just the facts… I think a lot of it is Sarah’s attitude and the way she carries herself… You guys have seen my pic, I’m no Miss America but I have at least one goo goo eye’d man following me around every time I go out. And most days at work! I think it’s my personality cause I carry that around it my purse. Personality can make or break you… That goes for man or woman… Some of the best looking men I’ve known… only caught my eye after getting to know them. And then some of the one’s I thought were hottie’s… after getting to know them… they just look so different to me. I don’t know… I’m talking smack but I’m flustered… I think I’m popping another sleeping pill, diving into my california king and I’m saying to hell with this day… Toodles! Gimme back my bullets Put 'em back where they belong Ain't foolin' around, 'cause I done had my fun Ain't gonna see no more damage done Gimme back, gimme back my bullets Oh put 'em back where they belong Gimme back my bullets ~Lynard Skynard This is my favorite song on that album. I listen to it at least once a day in my car… I have drank enough whisky to float a battle ship around... |
| Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means. It will become more and more evident as we go forward that it is pointless to become angry, or to get hurt by people who like us, are suffering from the pains of growing up. Page 92 – Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous. I’m growing up in public! I have the above paragraph highlighted, underlined, circled and with a billion asterisks around it in my book. it must have hit a soft spot back when I first read this material. Ya think? And still it speaks to me loud and clear. We can try to stop making unreasonable demands upon those we love. We can show kindness where we had shown none. With those we dislike we can begin to practice justice and courtesy, perhaps going out of our way to understand and help them. When I first typed this paragraph out of page 93 of the same book, I noticed I had made a typo, which said…. Going out of our way to UNDERHAND them!  ROFL… That Cracked me up!!!Courtesy, kindness, justice and love are the keynotes by which we may come in harmony with practically anybody. When in doubt we can always pause, saying, “Not my will, but Thine, Be done.” And we can often ask ourselves, “Am I doing to others as I would have them do to me--- Today?” Page 93 So I’m diving into personal inventories. Step 10… I should have been here a while ago but I wasn’t! I imagine I can think of some good reasons if I give myself the time but the truth is I’m a lazy ass. Or that I would much rather be here writing about other people’s inventories! But the truth is… Today I haven’t been around anybody so my inventory is looking rather well! We’ll see what tomorrow’s looks like. I plan on doing this everyday! The list below is one my Sponsor gave me. I am not sure where she got it. She recommends for me to use the list for the first week or two and then suddenly it will become habitual and I will no longer need the list… it will be written on the tablet of my heart.  ahhh… I called Sarah, my sponsor and my mother this evening… I made amends with Sarah to some extent but there is more I need to talk to her about. I wouldn’t have liked it if she dissed me the way I did her. Though… I never meant a harm… I just couldn’t breath and started shadowboxing. Its part of my living amends to my mother to call her everyday. She knows when I don’t call… something is going on because when I was using or drinking I avoided her. So just as I am attempting to do a living amend at my job, I also am with my mother. I feel rested, eager and ready to jump back out into this crazy world. I’ve learned about boundaries. I’ve taken my first REAL personal inventory. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m ready to get this party started! It’s been a beautiful Sunday! Hoping the same for you! **drum roll please** This is only for today. Tomorrow I will be around other people! One's that can talk and everything! Selfish and self seeking Or Interest in others  Dishonesty Or Honesty Frightened Or Courage Inconsiderate Or Considerate Pride Or Humility – Seeking God’s Will Greedy Or Giving or sharing Lustful Or What can we do for others Anger Or Calm Envy Or Grateful Sloth Or Take action Gluttony OrModeration Impatient Or Patience Intolerant Or Tolerance Resentful Or Forgiveness Hate Or Love – concern for others Harmful acts Or Good deeds Self-pity OrSelf-forgetfulness Self-justification OrHumility – Seek God’s Will Self-importance OrModesty Self-Condemnation OrSelf-forgiveness Suspicion OrTrust Doubt OrFaith |
| I am a single lady that lives alone. So… it makes no sense that for the last three mornings I swear I detected the aroma of brewing coffee before my eyes were opened. To me, the fragrance is something beautiful to wake up too. I love the smell of coffee. Maybe it reminds me of days past. My ex-husband and I were both avid coffee drinkers. One of our first dates I joined him and his family at a coffee café. If we wanted to talk to his Momma… we always knew we could find her at the local coffee shop. Along with his Granny, several of his Aunts, at least a couple of Uncles, little sister, cousins and most likely the waitress and the cook were either related or had married into the family. Tommy and I use to drink coffee together during the early mornings of the weekend. We even took snapshots of each other and I have them in a photo album even now with a note included proclaiming that I will always cherish our coffee chats. During and after the divorce, I saw a side of Tommy that I didn’t think existed. He tried to hurt me in any way he could think of. He spread lies… told many people that I had slept with his father. He was just angry because his father still loved me and called me his daughter even years after we were divorced. Tommy knows I didn’t sleep with his dad. There was no doubt in his mind that it was a lie when he started the rumor. He claimed that four men and myself made a trip out west where he was staying and attempted to jump him and beat his ass with baseball bats and knives. This never happened. The last time he called me on the phone. He called to tell me his girlfriend was pregnant. And he just felt I needed to know because they had been together less than a month and she was knocked up. We had been together 8 years and I never got pregnant. “I just thought you might want to get yourself checked out. Obviously, I’m NOT shooting blanks” He refused to let me have Meowster, saying that I left her when I left him. She was living over at his little sisters house who hates cats and damn sure hated me. They were abusing my cat in attempt to hurt me… and it did… it broke my heart. His Aunt Lisa snuck Meowster out of his sisters house and brought her to me… asking that I never tell anyone that she did but she said, Jen… That poor cat is in hell over there. I almost feel at her feet… I was so thankful that she brought my baby fuzz home to me. Tommy always hurt my animals in attempt to hurt me. He knew that would do it. I’ve seen him pick up our 80lb German shepherd by the hair on his butt and back and throw him outside of our fence. Children and animals are so innocent and weak up next to us humans. I have always stood up for the innocent or weak. I just can’t imagine how anyone could justify hurting them… intentionally! And he knew this… I don’t know why I’m veering off in this direction. I guess my mind is just wondering this morning. Don’t let me fool you… I did a lot of wrong during my marriage. I do believe I would do some things different if I could. I do owe Tommy an amend. I was a spoiled brat. I was emotionally and mentally stronger than he was. I could out wit him in any given situation whether I was right or wrong… He often said he couldn’t stand up to me verbally. He just couldn’t win with me… unless he used his physical strength and attacked what he knew to be my weaknesses. I’m pretty insecure about myself and I especially was back in my younger years. Tommy knew this and would insult my physical appearance in times of anger. He told me how he undressed women with his eyes. He wanted me to be so much like his friend’s wife. She was domestic, skinny, cute… she didn’t work and her life revolved around her husband. I didn’t have that luxury. She later left her husband for a little boy looking dike, but at the time she was everything Tommy wanted me to be and he said so. It just seems like I couldn’t win in that situation and towards the end I didn’t even want to be in the game but I was scared to end it because of my insecurities. Tommy said when I was leaving him that I should prepare myself because he WILL NOT be alone. He will find another and replace me and it will be done quickly… he wasn’t going to spend any time alone. I’m sure that was his last attempt to get me to stay and it almost worked but I knew deep down that I had to go. There was no other way. Tommy would have stayed with me for the rest of our lives just because he didn’t want to be alone. But I wasn’t willing to settle for that. It’s no wonder I turned to the bars, booze and men after my divorce. Something had to change the way I felt and it was going to have to be a complete overhaul because under my hood it was all damaged. I don’t regret the way things happened and I’ll tell you the ONLY reason why… I wouldn’t be who I am now had those experiences not existed. ** Well, it’s the last day of my little mini vacation. I have got some rest these last few days. I have slept and slept and slept. Ms. Monthly finally showed up so now I know somewhat of the reason I went awal. It happens every time to me! But those hormone pills I have been taking do make a difference. The physical pain is not near as bad as it use to be. It’s weird how some women suffer worse than others during this time. It seems the older I get the worse they get! Yesterday I read some of my old blogs and also read up on the Blogsville Newsletter… I learned some tips about blogging! And got some good chuckles… Blogsville and all you bloggers are truly a blessing… a gift to me. I have learned so much here I do need to stop it with the potty mouth. I know how I think of someone who’s blog is full of curse words and here lately it’s like I don’t speak unless I say the F word two times in each sentence. Not who I am … nor who I want to be… This morning I worked a bit on my fish tank, got it filled up with water and cleaned some. I threw a meat loaf in the oven. I had to cook the meat cause it’s been sitting in the frig for a few days and I know after tomorrow it wont get done. I would end up tossing it in the trash, so I made my own special recipe, Jen’s throw it together meat loaf A little bit of whatever I found to put in there! I you! I shall return before the day is done... |
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