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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
| • My God is omniscient having complete unlimited knowledge, awareness, or understanding; perceiving all things. • My God is omnipotent One having unlimited power or authority • My God is omnipresent being present everywhere at once When you really know Him, you can be calm and let Him do what only He can do --- My God really does know what He is doing. He really is in control. I can relax and know that even if I do not know what I am going to do, I do know the One Who does know. For He knows the plans that he has for me… Plans to prosper and not harm me… Plans to give me hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 I’m not preaching at you guys… no… I’m a preachin’ at thy self! My mind is the battlefield… I have been bitch slappin’ myself around since before I knew what bitch slappin’ meant… or is suppose to mean. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired! I ride my own ass. I have this little negative voice telling me 24 hours a day how I’m going end up 300 lbs… the weight thing is really bothering me. Why? Because damn it, I don’t drink or drug anymore… what else can I make myself miserable about? Instead of looking at the fact that I ain’t that damn big… Sure, I could lose some weight… but I don’t get stuck in chairs! It’s not a life threatening problem! Not at the age I am anyway… still, I need to shed some pounds… After identifying our needs, there is a next step in getting our wants and needs met. This step is one of the spiritual ironies of recovery. The next step is letting go of our wants and needs after we have taken painstaking steps to identify them. We let go, we give them up – on a mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical level. Sometimes this means that WE need to give up. I NEED TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT! … I am powerless over losing weight! Once I put a single donut in my mouth I JUST CAN’T STOP… I give up! Brb… Going to pop in those broccoli and cheese nuggets into the break room oven…  ** I’ll come back to the subject later… I have decided to write my story. You see, I spoke with my sponsor the other day about the situation between me and Sarah… my sponsee… My sponsor suggested I share more of my story with Sarah… well, shit I don’t know what my story is… I haven’t actually sat down to think about it. I feel like I have finally reached a point in my recovery where recalling the good and bad of my addictions will not hurt or hinder me. My sponsor said that chances are Sarah doesn’t see me as someone that fought for her sobriety… Sponsor words, you’re a cute blondie… got a good job, nice car, been stable in your apartment four years… chances are Sarah doesn’t see you as the struggling addict that you are, she needs to hear some of your experience… to know your story. So ! I got to figure out what my story is! I am going to work on that tonight at home. I got my apartment cleaned up at lunch time and it all nice and cozy… fresh and cool… My sponsor also suggested that I set clear boundaries with Sarah. You see that day I took off for lunch and meditated at my home and feel asleep and was late getting back. Sarah was all butt hurt that I didn’t wait around for her at lunch. I joked and said well honey I signed up to be your sponsor not take you to lunch everyday. She laughed but she was butt hurt… you know I need my time. We work together, she hangs out on the weekends, we got to meetings together everyday. She is so clingy… I like her… I do , I really really do but I am a loner… I always have been. I like to hang with my buds but I have to have alone time or else I get way off track. So my sponsor suggest that I make boundaries between us. You know like, I will be here for you as a sponsor but I also have my own life and program to work… This is today’s scripture on my daily calendar… quite fitting isn’t it… I’ll be working on my story… stay tuned… Isaiah 46:9,10 9Remember the former things of old: for I am God, and there is none else; I am God, and there is none like me, 10Declaring the end from the beginning, and from ancient times the things that are not yet done, saying, My counsel shall stand, and I will do all my pleasure: |
| I came home yesterday from work and laid down in my bed… OUT… gone at 4:45PM and I just now woke up! It’s 1:00AM here… I’m still sleepy too! The day before yesterday…. Remember when I said I was coming home and going to meditate during my lunch hour? Well, I did… and guess what? OUT! I woke up at 2:00PM and was freaking! I rush back to work… an hour late from my lunch and what’s even funnier… no one said a word! No one asked where I had been! My boss was out to a lunch meeting so she never knew! I would have thought the ladies that had to catch the phones would have been wondering what the hell? Where is that phone girl? But no one asked nothing… or said a word. I offered nothing either. Well… I’m going back to bed… I’ll be back later ! |
I took my love, I took it down Climbed a mountain and I turned around And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills 'Til the landslide brought me down I’ve never dated a man that prayed before a meal. Waited for me to settle in with my plate of food and suggest that we say grace. Kenneth does. I have never slept with a man that prayed before lying down to sleep. Kenneth does. I never heard a man speak of the importance of worshipping his God especially on Sundays. Never witnessed a man cross his hands and lower his head humbly as he thanked God for sending a woman like me into his life. Kenneth AKA – Skittles seems to be so beautifully simplistic. Just being near to him, I am becoming a better person. He stayed the night with me last night. His truck is in the shop and he lives 20 miles from me. Last night we got caught up in hanging some of my pictures. That was a sight to see… the mirrors that I got from Ms Lou’s house are huge and heavy… It was a chore but we managed to get the most of them up. They make a difference in the overall look of my home. They make me look like I got money! Gorgeous wood framed antique mirrors… very elegant. I cooked for us. We watched the movie “Coyote Ugly”, Kenneth had not seen it before. I worked on a photo album that I am creating for JJ. I bought those little caption bubble stickers to put in there for some laughs. I am making sure to label and date all the images and I will mail it to him probably next week. I also had a long and heated conversation with Sarah after she woke up on Sunday AFTERNOON. Kenneth stayed in the bedroom as She and I had our moment. He later said that he wished I were his sponsor. I told him not to flatter me. If there is something you see that I am obviously saying or doing wrong… I need for you to point it out to me. I’m not helping her to inflate my ego… I’m trying to pass on what was given to me… that’s the way I’m going to be able to keep it myself. His only suggestion was to make sure I call my sponsor and let her know what happened. Ask what she would have me do… he was just adamant that I be sure and ask my sponsor for her opinion. That was the best advice he could have offered. Like my sponsor, Kenneth lives this program too. That’s the very reason I find him so attractive. His love for the alcoholic and addicts, those in recovery and those still suffering, is divine and real. I don’t know if he is the one for me… I don’t think so… but I do know that he is an awesome person and I have been blessed to spend time with him. Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love Can the child within my heart rise above Can I sail through the changing ocean tides Can I handle the seasons of my life Around my 90 days… came a shit storm. Not all was bad… like JJ’s visit but it did bring quite a bit of stress. Shafter died an alcoholic death. I found out I would be having surgery. Armand died basically an alcoholic death. Randy was incarcerated because of his addiction. My grandma went into a nursing home. I was gonna stop smoking. I was going to lose fifty pounds. I joined a gym. That all came crashing down around me when I had to make a choice. Hold on to my sobriety and let everything else fall to the waste side? Or stay so overwhelmed that insanity was bound to bring the bottle back to my lips? I held on to my sobriety like a drowning man holds on to a life preserver. And it worked… Today I have 106 days of sobriety.  My sponsor’s son joined the army. (We did not handle this well) My sister sponsor left her husband for a loser. By the way… they are broke up now and he is drunk and has another one in her place already. I got my first sponsee. My step-dad’s mother died. We had to empty her home… all kinds of stuff with no where to put it since both our homes are packed to the max as is. Justin failed at his promise of strong men to help us. So, my 65 year old step dad and fragile little mother and I moved that furniture by ourselves. My mother has bruises up and down her arms from having to move such heavy furniture. That I do not like one bit! Bruises on Mom are enough to make me wanna drink! Kidding! Kinda… I need time with my sponsor. Today I am going to call her. And make a time for us to get together. I have so much to vomit all over her…  Well, I've been afraid of changing 'Cause I've built my life around you But time makes you bolder, even children get older And I'm getting older too But Damn It!! I made it… I may not be where I need to be, but I am SURE not where I use to be. Sarah and I did have a heated conversation yesterday. She was extremely upset that I told her she boost a lot about herself. She said that she is just a talker and can’t do nothing about it.  I had to remind myself to put principles before personalities. Am I just annoyed at her personality? Maybe because we have spent so much time together? I’m looking at my part… She for sure ain’t the only one learning something… There was too much to be said to even go there… but we left on good terms. Today she is acting as if she has been thinking again and is ticked off at me about something else. I have decided I am going to take a break from her. I need alone time. I am going home for lunch and going to meditate. They are doing inventory in the back so she will most likely miss the meeting tonight. I gave her additional assignments yesterday… I told her to study and research the word “humility” and I told her to stop using the words “I Know” … instead, use I understand or OK… Or not to say anything at all… I shit you not… this woman says the words “I know” no less than fifty times a day… She went off during our conversation about how she knows how to stay sober, she knows what she needs to do… then I asked… well then what are you here with me for? Why are we even having this conversation? I don’t know if I ever got through to her but I did my very best… believe that! I do believe it’s time to back off for a bit though… she needs time to think and process all that has happened and so do I! Oh, take my love, take it down Aha, climb a mountain and turn around And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills Well, the landslide will bring it down And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills Well, the landslide will bring it down ~ Stevie Nicks |
| Skittles is asleep in my bed. Sarah is asleep on my sofa. Meowster is asleep in her box outside on the balcony. Here I sit… Drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes and listening to the faint sound of some preacher man talking about anger through the bedroom TV. Yesterday I put foil up over my bedroom window… and it’s like a dungeon in there. I actually slept till 9AM … That is late for me! Skittles, Jackie and Davis drove over her from Midland and attended the 5:30 meeting at my home group. Davis has been sober since 1967 and he ran into many of his old friends. Jackie has been sober since 1991 and she ran into the lady that checked her into rehab all those years ago. It was a nice meeting. We then went to eat at my favorite café here in town. A man overheard our conversations and he asked if we would be interested in praying. So we were like Yeah… So this man and his son joined us at our table, we all held hands and we said a prayer for Sarah’s grandfather who recently had a stroke and another lady in the group that has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I thought that was really cool. To sit in the middle of a packed café, holding hands with strangers and praying to the God I so love and adore. I have not experienced anything like that before. People of all colors and classes joining hands, requesting help from the one that created us all. It is something I shall not forget. We then went to another birthday meeting over at the Basin group, which is in the rough part of town. The part of town I grew up in, actually. That building use to be a little grocery store when I was a kid. Now, it is a safe haven for addicts and alcoholics. I found myself going back into my drunkalog when over in that part of town. Sarah talks so damn much! I have clashed with her twice this weekend. Turns out we know some of the same folks from back when we were still out. I went to school with this girl and Sarah was in prison with her years later. It seems that she kept trying to out do me as far as which one of us was wilder. I talked to my sponsor after our group on Friday… because I snapped at Sarah in front of everyone. You see… My sponsor has 18 years of sobriety. When she TALKS… We LISTEN… Sarah talks all the damn time and she has a BAD habit of interrupting people when they are trying to speak. Her favorite words is “I Know”… She says, “I know” no less than fifty times a day… Well, if you all ready know…. Why are you here? I don’t say this… but I think it… let’s say I haven’t said it yet, I have a way of holding my tongue until I just blow and It happened last night… But back to Friday… During Group, Sheree would be speaking and Sarah would interrupt her and her sentence either began with “ I know” or “But”…. I nudged her twice and told her to shhhh…. She kept on… I then popped off… “ You need to listen more than you talk.” She shot me a look that could kill and I shot one right back… she clamed up and shut up after that. I maybe should not have said it in front of the entire group… but I imagine most everyone wanted to tell her the same thing. I pulled my sponsor to the back when we were leaving and I said, damn … did I screw up? That statement flew out of my mouth before I even realized it. And my sponsor said no… She said sometimes we say things that our sponsee’s don’t want to hear but they need to hear. Sometimes we piss them off. She also told me that I had my hands full with Sarah. Sarah is very aggressive, very talkative, arrogant, prideful… she is a know it all… She’s just like ME! Except I have never talked as much as she does… only when I was high on crack/cocaine anyway! I am more of a listener. I am a quiet woman for the most part… and you know what? That’s a blessing! One that I didn’t realize until now… So when we got back to my place and were alone… I told her that I didn’t appreciate her interrupting and disrespecting MY sponsor like she did. I asked her again if she wants me to be her sponsor and she said yes… I told her that if it comes down to it, I will choose friendship between us and step back from sponsoring… because we are both aggressive. We are both headstrong. There are going to be times that we will clash… as we are right now… I asked again if she wanted me to be her sponsor… she said yes… I told her from now on when my sponsor speaks, you shut up… Sheree has 18 years of sobriety… and its not just that… but she LIVES this program. When Momma has something to say… WE LISTEN… When you ask her what she thinks of a particular situation… You shut up and let her answer… you don’t argue with her suggestions. You respect what she says, listen and take it with you when you go… Rather you use it or not… this is your program… but damn it… That’s MY sponsor and you WILL show her the respect that she deserves. And Sarah agreed. We did our step study and carried on… NEXT drama ~ Sarah smoked crack when she got out of prison April 20, 2007. She doesn’t claim that as a relapse. I told her during our step study that I did not agree. I told her that this is a program of rigorous honesty and I suggested that she be honest and change her sober date. She claims a date of 2005 when she was sent to prison… that’s not suggested by this program. She was locked up and unable to use for that time… it doesn’t count in my book… but this is her program and all I can do is make suggestions. She did listen to me… and I told her to think and pray about it… and make her own decision. So at the candlelight meeting last night, she spoke to another lady there and told her about the relapse. I wasn’t in on that conversation so I don’t know what was said… but Sarah came to me and said Valerie had freaked out… and that is the very reason she doesn’t want to tell no one about her relapse. She then went off on this long and windy rant about how she has this thing whooped and that relapse only enforced that she’s done with the drug world and she arrogantly spoke about how she knows all about this and that… and OH LAWD I sat there biting my tongue till it bled… as she ranted arrogantly. I don’t handle people raising their voice very well… Because when I feel provoked… I retaliate naturally… but I kept my cool… I told her she needed to chill out… Told her that she is defensive and she does not need to be… and she got pissed again… she clamed up again and shot me another look to kill… This was in the car as we drove home after the meeting and when we got to my house. She blurts out that she is checking her email. I noticed that the puter was running slow and suggested that she reboot so she did… obviously she didn’t shut it down properly because it had to do the scan disk thing when it came back on and she was asking me why… I told her because you didn’t shut down properly obviously… I don’t know… I wasn’t standing there with her… but OBVIOUSLY that’s what happened… she gets defensive again… Yes I did shut down properly… and blah blah blah… This is when I heard that “snap” … and I went off… WHY are you so defensive? I can feel the tension pouring out of you. I am human too and here I am trying to help you and your acting like this towards me. Talk to me… what’s up… She said she just wanted to be left alone, she didn’t want to talk right now… Well damn it… that’s not what I want to hear… I am a confronter and I want to get this shit out in the open and dealt with… so I continued on you have no reason to be mad at me. I have done nothing to you. I am here trying to help you… you know I am human too… just because I keep my cool, I don’t boost about all the shit you do… it doesn’t mean that I am weak… You need not mistake my kindness for weakness… and I told her I have had enough of her arrogance… enough of her foolish pride… not everyone is going to tell you want you want to hear… I’m soft… I’m calm and collective for the most part… but Valerie didn’t show as much mercy about her relapse as I have… That’s just the way it is… I really am not sure what all I said but I did make a point of telling her that all the characteristics she boosts about having… I have everyone… but you see… the way I feel about it… If your good, you ain’t got to tell nobody cause they are going to see it when they look at you! …. I asked her if she wanted me to take her home and she said no… And then I chilled…. I was ready to box ya’ll… I need to work on my anger… I have got it to where I can bite my tongue but once my cup is full… it runs the fuck over! I shocked the hell out of Sarah… you see she thinks that I am NATURALLY a passive person… she doesn’t understand that I have cultivated that calmness through working these steps and by staying on my FACE crying out to GOD to help me be what HE would have me to be… I fought for my fucking sobriety… IT wasn’t handed to me… God gave me HIS Grace but it was no bed of roses… You guys know this! I remember so many days sitting on my fucking hands with tears streaming down my face… all I wanted was something to change the way I was feeling… I have a key to the AA building and all those days that I wanted to go to the liquor store and I got so far as in the fucking parking lot… then flipped a bitch… went to the AA building… locked myself inside… laid on the fucking floor and cried like a little baby… Rolling around on cold tile pleading with GOD to take away this insanity… Damn it… I am offended!! I know offense is a killer… and I’m just ranting in here about it… but it chaps my ass when she appears to believe herself superior to me… she appears to think I have been handed this shit… Maybe I am too humble… Maybe I don’t give myself enough credit in front of her… I always give the Glory to God… to my sponsor… This is the way it should be… They saved my ass! But damn it… I did the foot work and I have experience for her to learn from if she is WILLING… I don’t know… it feels good to get this out… I honestly just want her to go home. I have had an overdose of her and I got so close to climbing in the wrestling ring with her… she backed down… her jaw dropped when she saw me go off like I did… I have been a friend to her, I have done all I know to do… and I said a prayer just moments before I went off of her… I did… I knew it was coming and I said, God please work through me… don’t let my own character defects harm another in sobriety… well maybe she needed someone to get in her face like that… I believe God heard my prayer and I don’t really feel convicted about it… That in itself shows me that maybe it was needed because I live on GUILT… Guilt is one of my biggest character defects… Well, I’m bringing this to an end and going to wake up these sleepy heads! God be with me… Thy Will be done. |
| My father use to tell me a story, one that I have yet to forget. That story came to my mind this morning. I think I will share it with you. There was once a little bird flying south for the winter. He was smaller than the other birds in the flock and he was struggling to stay with them. He gave it all he had but couldn’t keep up and the little bird fell to the ground. The flock carried on without him. The little bird started to freeze as he lay on the cold Earth. A long came this big fat ugly cow that took a dump right on top of this little bird. The cow’s poo was stinky but it was also warm and it defrosted the little bird. The little bird began to chirp because he was happy. He was alive! Well, this cat heard the birds chirps and followed the sound, found him buried under the cows shit, dug him out and ate him. The moral of this story is: Just cause somebody shits on you, doesn’t necessarily mean they are out to hurt you. And just cause somebody helps you get out of that shit, doesn’t necessarily mean they are your friend. ** This morning I had some yuk news. My electricity bill is over $300 bucks! This is bull-sheeeet! I have a one bedroom apartment, 750 square feet… Last month the bill was $95. Yep, once again… just like last year, the air conditioner is not working properly. I have a choice here. I can call up and get irate and hostile with those idiots that can’t seem to keep my shit fixed! Or I can cast my care… do the do things and let it go… I learned last year when I had this SAME problem the proper procedure to nail those dickheads if they don’t get my unit fixed and in a timely matter! I will be sending a certified letter come next Monday if TODAY they do not make effort to get it fixed… but I’m not going to let it ruin my day or my weekend. My next yuk realization yesterday night and this morning… Skittles… He is all ready telling me he loves me. I know that we say “love ya” all the time and we mean it… but I have to wonder if this man is off the rocker… I find it almost impossible to love someone within a week of knowing them. I also don’t respect someone that can use those words so carelessly. Honestly, I like him but I get tired of hearing him preach too. I am all about God… I adore it when someone takes the initiate and speaks so boldly about the God they love… but you know… it can get old. Sometimes I wonder if he has this rehearsed or what? I’m not going to be available Saturday. I do have other things I want tend too. When he is over I feel like I have to entertain instead of doing the things I need to be doing. So I’m just going to back off a little… I am going to go… I just called my landlady and she doesn’t see a problem with the jump in my electric bill of $200 … I never have cared much for that red headed snob and I just need to go breathe right now. She did promise that they would get there today … that’s what I wanted to hear… It’s all good! |
| Hi! I’m waving the white towel… Don’t shoot! I’m just posting a quick entry for the hell of it. You know when shit hits the fan it never does seem to distribute evenly huh? I have had my share of bullshit going on lately… I think I have finally found a resting point. Tonight I am polishing my toes, coloring my hair… I have looked like shit lately ya’ll and I haven’t even cared! Remember when I said I would dress down if that’s what it took to get my worth out of my appearance? Well, it’s happened… believe that! Words have such power! I do believe I am going to take a break from bloggsville. I need to be investing more of my time into writing for real. I love everyone here… we all got some good and bad characteristics. Everybody’s shit stinks! Don’t deny it! You know yours does too!  You know I use to care a lot about what people think… then I figured out that there ain’t nobody thinking about me! Most everybody has got themselves on their mind! Including me! and really this statement has nothing to do with the following statements. I read about all this stuff going on around here at WDC. Ok, so maybe I’d have my panties in a wad if I were one of the folks getting dogged in someone’s blog. Yeah, It would most likely hurt my feelings… after all, I do have that feelings disease as do most people… and no offense to anyone but it seems to me there is a ring of truth in what is being said… It’s not like this person… you know who I’m talking about… is just out shooting randomly at folks, no he has some valid reasons that he feels strongly about. That is his right… he should be able to say what he wants to say… my opinion… of course, I might be pissed if it was me being smacked around… but then again… I’m not one to give a shit about what others think. I mean if I knew it wasn’t true… or if it was true and I realized maybe my motives and actions were not pure… I would find a way to make it right… or just blow it off as another one off the chain. I don’t know … here I am talking about something that ain’t none of my business but the truth is I like Mike! I don’t think he is a bad guy… everyone thinks he is the bad guy of WDC… and I think Mike likes it that way. Well… I’m the kind of gal that either likes someone or doesn’t… and which way it goes there ain’t much that will change it… aside from knocking me upside the head or something… And I LIKE MIKE! I don’t care what anyone says… maybe we should consider his thoughts… Though he may be a bit rough and ready… he has some genuine issues that I believe should be respected. Plus, he has the right to say what he wants to say in his own Journal! I get frustrated at folks here… I may leave out the names but I speak my mind, this is what I have this blog to do! And so I’m doing it now… Well… I’m off to the next pampering endeavor. Later! |
| I left my home at 6:45 this morning and I walked back in it at 8:30 this evening. I have been shopping… got Sarah some stuff for her birthday gift. A picture frame, a photo album, an address book, a cute little wooden box that will serve no purpose other than being cute. I got her some fuzzy, colorful socks. A weekly planner… A stuffed flower with a big smiley face and shiny pedals. And some BUBBLES! Yep… that’s her nickname. I call her sober bubbles… she is always real bubbly. Oh and some hand and foot lotion and a friendship award little ribbon thing… and a card… I stuffed it all in a big gift sack that looks like a pair of jeans and I forgot that tissue paper to make it look pretty! But I have some at work… Sooooo…. I’m going to put it in the car… and fix it up in the morning, then give it to her on her break. I got me three pairs of sandals too…  … Well… one pair of flip flops with silver glitter and a big diamond looking thing in the middle… and then a pair of dressy sandals with a clasp that crawls my ankles… can be a very sexy look… if I figure out what to where with them and then I got a pair of sandals that look like blue jeans with a big bow on the toe. Yep… for a broke chick I sure am shopping away! I wore myself out shopping! Oh yeah and before I went to the meeting today I stopped by the dollar store and got me a cheap pair of flippers with the leopard skin look … OH LAWD… they are not built to shop in! My feet are killing me! Sarah is working the evening shift at the warehouse tonight and man she has called me three times since I walked in thirty minutes ago to ask about this or that! Where is your trainer? I wonder… but I don’t mind really. She kind a has the upper hand because she is my little buddy and every one knows it. I told her today that I wanted her to chill about talking our AA stuff when my boss lady is there. She can hear what we say when we are sitting at my desk. That woman has got some ears! I don’t want to advertise that I’m a drunk! As if! She doesn’t know… but still… I’m not ready for that. Even when I went on my drunken spree there at work, I was smart enough to do it when the boss lady was out of town! I would have just not showed up if she was there… but since I knew she was gone and them other bitches ain’t got nothing on me… I went up there toasted and broke out in a rash of dumbass… If you want to see a perfectly sane woman break out with a case of the dumbass… just give me a drink! Then step out of the way…  Skittles hasn’t called me tonight. I imagine he is waiting for me to call him. I haven’t called him but one time since we met. I bet he is getting tired of being the one to initiate. I do think about him but my days are so busy… I had all these plans of coming home and chilling out… Getting my hair colored, toes polished, so they look all cute in my new sandals… but hell look at the time… it’s either do that and miss out on my writing or stick with the pink that’s on there now… hell with it… I am so behind on all of you … I have popped in a few blogs but haven’t even had the time to leave a comment. Here I am eating a chicken leg and typing this blog entry… it’s dinner at 9:30PM… it’s not easy eating and typing! I do need to give Skittles a buzz… brb… Well… Tonight is the night that he picks up the guys from the treatment center and takes them to the park for a meeting. Skittles sponsors a lot of men… and he works with the guys in the Center. He takes them bowling one night a week and then this group he created at the park is called “FootPrints”… He and HIS sponsor have started this thing… he is really cool. He said they would be wrapping up in about ten minutes and he talked about wanting to come over tomorrow for Sarah’s birthday, wanted to get her a cake or something. Heck, I can get a cake from the food bank. We got lots of cakes and crap up there… Fat Girl ain’t never gonna get skinny up at that place! So Surgery is postponed. My hands are washed of Randy. I have made up my mind. You know It takes a lot for me to get done with someone… but once I am … I am. I don’t know what made the difference. Maybe Skittles being in the picture. I think that’s a lot of it. I am attracted to Skittles. Maybe not so much physically… cause he is a skinny ass… let me tell ya… I look like Big Momma up next to him… He is a little man. But he is mentally and spiritually so damn good looking that it makes everything else about him all right. Know what I mean? I chaired the meeting tonight. I wanted to bail out. I wanted to go shopping and take care of my business so that I could get home before the sun goes down. But I saw my sponsor’s car and I had to stop. Then I told her I wanted to leave and she said, but Jen! It’s your chair tonight… yeah, but someone else will do it… She wrinkled her nose and gave me that look of disapproval… and I put my tail between my legs and did as I was told. It was a good meeting and I am glad that I stayed. I got a lot out of it. I am absolutely a fan of Alcoholics Anonymous and the Big Book of AA. They saved my life! Ain’t no doubt about it. Well… I’m going to get horizontal and gonna read me a little somethin somethin … I am such an addict! Look! One pair of shoes??? What's the point? I buy four at a time! One gift for friends b-day? ... Not even worth going to the store for... it's all or nothing with me baby! |
| On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives. In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don’t struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while. Page 86, Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous I can’t write much. I am preparing for an agency meeting that will consume my lunch hour and most of the day. I spoke with Skittles last night about the day’s event that had been bothering me yesterday. He refered me to this back in the big book. Awesome stuff! The surgery has been postponed. Randy’s other friend is in the process of getting his payroll check to him. I am doing ok, tomorrow is Sarah’s 35th birthday. I need to get her something… something to do with AA… a plaque with the serenity prayer… or something… Anyway, I must toodle away I am leaving a little early, swinging by the dollar store... going to get me a pair of sandals to wear cause the one's i got on are killing me! My feet are swollen! Love me! KAY! |
| I don’t know what the hell… I can not have this surgery done on a day that I am PMSing… And I usually start on the 23rd of each month. I have spent the last four hours on the phone trying to get a hold of my nurse to ask. Finally I did and she wants me to call her tomorrow and tell her if I am only spotting or if it is hard core… Well, this is just wonderful… I like to know what the hell I have to look forward too. I can feel the PMS pissiness in myself too. I just raiding the donuts in the break room; licked all the chocolate off of about four of em’, tossed the bread in the trash. I went up to the damn jail house during my lunch break and they would not let me just leave Randy’s check there. No… I had to sit there and wait on them to get him to sign it, estimated 45 minutes… then I would have had to go and cash it … get a money order… take it back up there and put it on his books. You know this man ain’t worth the hassle… Forgive me, but fuck him… So I talked to the warehouse manager and I asked that she get that other girl he was fucking to do him this favor. The one that filled his house with shit. The one that he treated like a dog… I talked to her on the phone and she said they had a falling out and don’t speak no more but that she would do this for him. So I gave the check to the warehouse manager to give to her friend to get to him because I ain’t got time to be messing with this fool. I still haven’t written him, I been meaning to but I just got too much of my own shit to deal with right now. I know that he will get his money… he should thank his lucky stars that the other woman still cares enough about him to agree to help him out. I would have got it to him if she hadn’t of… but it sure takes a weight off my shoulders. Well…. It’s almost time to blow this joint and I am counting the minutes… believe that! |
| I just woke up!!! I fell asleep about 6ish. I knew that Kenneth was going to call me at 7, so I figured the phone would serve as an alarm clock. I ate me a homemade hamburger and I was so sleepy… I could barely hold my head up. So I figure an hour nap would do me some good. Shit… my mother called, Sarah called, Kenneth called and I slept right through it all… didn’t hear a thing! I just now woke up thinking damn! I wasted away my Sunday afternoon! See, I was working on my portfolio… was going to knock the cobwebs out of it… personalize my new blog, get my blog links up so I don’t have to search for my daily dose of YOU … and then my puter froze up and being so tired I just shut er’ down the hard way and went off to the bed… thinking I would be back within an hour. I was wrong… Now, I’m not even so sleepy… but I imagine it wouldn’t take long and I could be out again. I do have some things to write about … but I’m just not feeling it. This morning I called and talked to my brother in Florida. We had us a nice little chat and he told me JJ was over at his mom’s house for this weekend but that he will be back there next weekend. I could call over to his mom’s but I didn’t. I just basically wanted to tell my brother how fine of a job he has done with his boy. He said his wife was cooking him up a victory breakfast cause he had just whooped one of his video games. My brother and nephew are all about those electronic games. Two peas in a pod, let me tell ya… Then I got some cleaning done around the homefront. Turned on some candles… cooked myself up a hamburger, made me a pitcher of green tea. Threw out a whole chicken!! I hate to have to do that but it has been sitting in the fridge since last Sunday and you know chicken can kill you if you ain’t careful. I sniffed it… I took a little bite… I sniffed again… even though it seemed to be ok; I just don’t want to take no chances. So the bird got trashed… I wasted a whole $4! Even so… I hate to waste but oh well… such is life… better than food poisoning. I had a good talk with Sarah. She called me and she told me some things… I did good today! You should pat me on the back! She confronted me about an issue that had been bothering her and I didn’t get defensive. She told me that I been telling her she needs to leave Brian alone but here I am getting involved with Skittles. It caught me off guard… I told her that I understand and see where she is coming from and that she has a point. Then I asked her to see where I am coming from. I told her the difference between Skittles and Brian… When I am with Skittles, I am being brought up  … It’s like a meeting of 2 when he and I are alone and talking. It’s all about Sobriety and God. Skittles makes me a better person, just being around him. I asked her if she thought Brian was bringing her up? By the way… he stood her up again today. They had plans to go to the lake without us and Brian never showed and never called to tell her he wasn’t coming. She was hurting when she called me and I could feel it through the phone. This is the reason I don’t want her involved with Brian. You can look at him and listen to him and know that he is full of himself… there is no God, no AA, no quality sobriety visible in him. I also told her that I been praying about the situation with her and I see that I been coming on to strongly with my suggestions. I told her that I’m going to back off… and told her that I will pray about this situation. I sure don’t want to be a hypocrite. There was much more said between us and it all was peaceful. I handled this well! Considering how I would have handled it a while back. She ended up saying she was sorry and she said the minute she heard herself say out loud what she said she saw how stupid it sounded. She admitted that there is an obvious difference in Skittles and Brian. She told me that deep down she might just be jealous that Skittles and I are hitting it off and Brian and her are not. I told her about how the last six years I been praying for divine connections and you know it’s our womanly nature to love a man. We want somebody to love! That’s just the facts. We are women and we were created to love a man. Told her that during our studies I am going to show her some of the tools that my sponsor showed me in the big book… spiritual tools that will help make us ok with whatever God has planned for us. Even if it means… being alone for the rest of our lives. I also told her that Skittles and I are in no rush… I don’t know that he is even the one for me. You know… a lot of times I hear that when you meet someone you just know that you will love them. I don’t feel that for Skittles. I have much respect for him. He has the spirituality that I adore and that I want to be around. I am brought higher when I sit and talk to him. I feel safe with him. I feel like he is real with me. He helps me to be a better me. I sure ain’t moving the man in my place. My priority is still God, Sobriety, the girls that I am here to help… myself… Skittles doesn’t take nothing away from any of that… he adds to it… I got peace about him… There is the difference I see between Skittles and Brian And the other difference… I am a single woman. Skittles is a single man. Brian is a family man. He deceived her in the beginning… he is still deceiving her… She told me she was sorry for doubting me. I told her that even though my motives are right… my actions may not always be and I’m glad that she brought this up and got it out in the open. I explained that she is my first sponsee, I am learning … and it’s going to be through trial and error. I am going to examine myself… to see if I did walk a different way than I talk… I made a point of telling her that I make my suggestions out of love. She knew that already. She said that was obvious and said that all I had said to her had shown itself to be true. You know it’s easier for an outsider looking in to see… And plus I just went through this with Randy! This same damn thing she is ! She is so consumed with Brian that she can’t think of nothing else. You guys know I have lived through that! And I can so understand Sarah… but I wanted her to know that regardless if she takes my suggestions or not… I’m going to still love her. I’m going to still be here for her… no matter what. Nothing will change the fact that I am here for her… Nothing… This is something my sponsor gave to me… and I am able to give to the girls I sponsor… The day God gives up on me is the day I will give up on her. Just like Sheree told me during my reoccurring relapses… It was a good conversation. I wish I hadn’t missed her call tonight, but I will see her in the morning. I suggested that she do her step study work and she did. She called me back right before my nap to ask me a few questions about the assignment. I could hear the difference in her… she was feeling better. You see that’s a God thing. I also suggested she make herself a God Box and toss Brian’s bald headed butt in there… damn skin heads! Patience is the ability to count down before blasting off… Says an angel. I blasted off yesterday morning didn’t I… I’ve gotten to where I have no tolerance for people who can not or will not respect me. I have learned the difference between genuine care and fake flattery… thanks to Randy. I love this site. I love you people. I need you people… You are MY people! I am glad things got talked about between Sarah and I before it got to the point of blasting off. I am learning myself… and if I hold back what I feel even for the sake of another’s feelings… it just bottles up inside of me and eventually I will explode. There is no doubt about it… I have seen myself do it so many times. Well I’m going to read for a few until I fall back out… Love ya ! |
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