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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity. http://permianbasin360.com/media_player.php?media_id=2175 |
| I went back out this weekend. And I took my sponsee with me. I haven’t talked to my sponsor yet. She called this morning. I didn’t answer. I will call her back soon and come clean with her. It’s not easy though. I don’t know why… there is no answer to why… we were shopping on Friday, going from store to store, I bought a few dresses, and Sarah bought some books. I dropped my cigarette case outside in the parking lot of my apartments. It had all my money in it… a neighbor found the case, gave the cigs back but the money was gone. We went to the 5:30 meeting… Big John was chairing, He is in one of the pics with me  I can’t stand Big John… I think he is goofy as hell and he gets on my nerves. A lady that was speaking was basically debating rather a certain book is conference approved or not and that pissed me off. I don’t give a damn about legalities… Tell me how to stay fucking sober! Sarah felt the same, there was no flow to the meeting and I looked at Sarah halfway through it and suggested we bail and we did just that. My sponsor and sister sponsor were out of town this weekend at another conference somewhere. I didn’t go because I planned on driving to Lubbock to help clean out my Grandma’s house. I got an oil change on my car but after losing my cash… I said fuck it. I haven’t called no one either about that… I just didn’t show up. I was in a bad state of mind over Hector’s death. Sarah and I both were. We didn’t speak much about it. Though I wanted to talk about it I never did. I don’t understand… why? Why have I been giving so many chances? Why is death all around me? There is no answer to why… and who am I to even question? It just puts everything in a different perspective. It makes me wonder what the hell is living for anyway? I’m alright today. I’m sobering up… I’m getting the chemicals out of my body… Sarah is ok, she spent a lot of money this weekend. I feel bad for that. She doesn’t… or so she says. She is worried about me. She knows how I beat myself up. She didn’t want to leave today because she knew I would start throwing punches at myself. Seems she knows me better than I know myself sometimes. We talked this morning before she left. We both agreed that we are too old for this shit. We also realize that sobriety really is cool… we like being sober more than we like tweaking and drinking. I feel real bad cause I’m suppose to be the leader and I failed at it. I did so freely and willingly. I’ll know what next right thing to do soon enough. I’ll call my sponsor sometime… right now I don’t want to talk to no one. I’m just trying not to guilt my way to another high and I know I need some sleep, water and mercy. |
| I found it: Odessa Man Murdered Gary Hinterlong CBS7 News August 17, 2007 A young man is dead and his brother is injured after an argument turns to tragedy. It started in the 2100 block of 9th St. shortly after 11:15 Thursday night. Police say 19-year-old Hector Medrano was shot in the chest one time with a shotgun in the parking lot of the Spanish Oaks Apartments. He staggered to a nearby apartment building where he collapsed. He was pronounced dead at the scene. His brother, 18-year-old Alex Medrano suffered minor injuries but has since been released from the hospital. Half a dozen witnesses have been taken into custody for questioning. No arrests have been made. The two suspects are described as hispanic and driving a white or silver Lincoln Town Car or Ford Taurus. Reports indicate the shooting may have occured after an argument between the victim and the murderer. The Texas Rangers are assisting the Odessa Police Department with the investigation. http://www.cbs7kosa.com/news/details.asp?ID=2007 I get a call from Sarah at 5:45 this morning. I was in the shower and heard my recorded voice tell her I wasn’t home. The song that is playing in the back ground of my announcement, “live like you were dying”, trapped within my mind from then on. I called her back after I dried off and sprinkled my shower to shower… she was crying, dramatic… just tore up. What is it? She said Hector is dead. He was shot in his apartment last night along with his brother. Hector? Hector who? Our volunteer Remember my rant about underage smoking yesterday? This guy was here and it was his little running buddy that was a few months from turning 18. I pulled Hector to the side and explained to him that because we are community based we have to be very careful of what we allow to happen within our facility. Hector had left during the break and taken one the underage volunteers with him so that he could smoke and it not be on our property. Still I was not cool with that… The minor’s mother had dropped him off here and until the scheduled time to leave, I wanted that kid to stay on our property. So I talked with Hector and made sure he did not leave with this minor again like that. He quickly obliged. Hector had five more hours to be complete with his probation. Right before he left yesterday, he sat at the chair next to my desk as we calculated up his hours. He was happy that today he would be complete; he had thought he would have to come on Saturday too… but today would have been his last day. While talking to Sarah on the phone this morning… I told her to relax… That his name is a popular Hispanic name. Surely it’s not him! I waited expectantly all morning to see him walk through the front door with his wifebeater on and sideways cap. He hasn’t showed yet. He said he would be here at 8AM. He was eager to get this service complete and move forward. He should be here. He said he would be here. I didn’t see the news this morning. I can’t find the story online either. I have looked passionately since 7AM. I can’t find it. He’s not here. And I can’t find the story. I looked up his application from when he first signed up for community service. I asked Sarah where did the news say that shooting was? She said 9th street. I looked on his application, his home address is written down as 9th street. Sarah says that the news said that someone busted through the apartment front door and shot Hector and his brother, Alex with a shotgun. Hector died instantly as the bullet went through his chest. Alex is in critical condition at the local hospital. Hector was 18 years old. Why? How is it he was here yesterday and gone today? He had things to do. He wasn’t done living. |
| I was in an intense mood most of today. It’s a minute by minute struggle sometimes for me still. Not so much with staying sober because honestly I have no desire to drink or use. They say it takes a good thirty days to break any habit. Those first thirty days of continual sobriety were rough for me. During the day sometimes I get remembrances, like little flashes of what it use to be like and I find myself just baffled by the changes that even I recognize at times in myself. So chances are… as long as I don’t pick up that first drink… and the phenomena of craving doesn’t kick in… that allergy that I have come to believe actually does exist… then I’ll be sober by the Grace of God. Simple! Right? But now there’s another battle… it’s learning to live life on life’s terms. Growing into the person I want to be. Sweeping out the old mindsets and allowing God to install newer and improved ways of thinking and functioning. Suffocating that old self… letting my old coping skills die… dying to self. This is where I’m at now. And it’s no cakewalk either. I tell you it’s much easier than fighting the demon of addiction. No the war will never be over. This is a battle and I will be on the front line all of my life. I imagine it gets easier with time… or maybe I’ll get stronger but it will never be over, unfortunately. The cool thing, I’m learning what weapons I have been given in this battle. I’m no longer just shadow boxing and swinging aimlessly about. I’ve picked up a set of spiritual tools. Sometimes it feels like God has a big pair of pruning sheers and is steadily snipping away my branches that produce bad or rotten fruit. You know… there was a time and not so long ago… that if this could feasibly happen… I would have been just a stump* and maybe now I got a few little twigs still standing. Maybe… depends on what day and which direction the wind is blowing. Sometimes I wake up with a big brand new branch sticking straight up in clear view… Sometimes I even run from God cause I know what is coming… Ouch… No! Stop it! I need this branch! But it’s bearing rotten fruit… Says God But GOD, it HURTS too much! Don’t CHOP it! But my other children eat that rotten fruit… Not today, God… tomorrow! I’ll be braver tomorrow. But the sickness is spreading… I can’t use you in this condition. I desire what you desire, God… but isn’t there another way? An easier way? WHACK! OUCCHH! WAHHHH! GOD, you could have at least warned me! AHHHHHHHHHHH! I have lost my mind. So what’s new? I was a pro at self-deception. I thought I had your best interest in mind, but if it didn’t include my best interest… well … then it couldn’t possibly be your best interest! Selfishness---self-centerdness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self, which later placed us in a position to be hurt. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of selfishness. We must, or it kills us! Page 62 ~ Big Book I’m getting poked, prodded, yanked up out of my hardened soil… pushed, pissed on, popped upside the head, ping ponged about… and you know what… it’s keeping me alive. I’m going to jam a few songs then crash… An angel says ~ give others a piece of your heart, not a piece of your mind. I think I handled the situation with Sherry fairly well. I guess it would have been better had I not said anything at all… but I’m shocked as hell that I said what I wanted and I said it like pleasantly… I didn’t get all shitty like I would have in the past. I don’t know. What do YOU think? Anyone out there? Night… God whispers, I love you Jen... Jen whispers back... I love you too Big Daddy |
Procrastination is another deceptive tool of the devil. Good intentions do not bring us into the blessings of God—only obedience does. Our willful choice to obey God promptly is the lifeline between heart's desire and finished product. Press on! Don't look back! Satan may think he is destroying you, but often he is giving you valuable experience that will keep you out of trouble. Say This: "No more deals. No more compromise and procrastination. Henceforth, I am walking in the will of God." ~ Joyce Meyer http://www.joycemeyer.org/OurMinistries/EverydayAnswers/DailyWord/findingandfulf... The psychological causes of procrastination vary greatly, but generally surround issues of anxiety, low sense of self-worth and a self-defeating mentality. Procrastinators are also thought to have a higher-than-normal level of conscientiousness, more based on the "dreams and wishes" of perfection or achievement in contrast to a realistic appreciation of their obligations and potential. ~ Traditionally, procrastination has been associated with perfectionism, a tendency to negatively evaluate outcomes and one's own performance, intense fear and avoidance of evaluation of one's abilities by others, heightened social self-consciousness and anxiety, recurrent low mood, and workaholism. Slaney (1996) found that adaptive perfectionists were less likely to procrastinate than non-perfectionists, while maladaptive perfectionists (people who saw their perfectionism as a problem) had high levels of procrastination (and also of anxiety). The tense-afraid type The tense-afraid type of procrastinator usually feels overwhelmed with pressure, unrealistic about time, uncertain about goals and many other negative feelings. Feeling that they lack the ability or focus to successfully complete their work, they tell themselves that they need to unwind and relax, that it's better to take it easy for the afternoon, for example, and start afresh in the morning. Usually have grandiose plans rather than being realistic. Their 'relaxing' is often temporary and ineffective, and leads to even more stress as time runs out, deadlines approach and the person feels increasingly guilty and apprehensive. This behavior becomes a cycle of failure and delay, as plans and goals are put off, penciled into the following day or week in the diary again and again. It can also have a debilitating effect on their personal lives and relationships. Since they are uncertain about their goals, they often feel awkward with people who appear confident and goal-oriented, which can lead to depression. Tense-afraid procrastinators often withdraw from social life, avoiding contact even with close friends. Information found: http://www.reference.com/search?q=procrastination *** I began my researching of procrastination early this morning. I have found some great information that has enlightened me. There was another type of procrastinator called the relaxed type. I just took note of the above type since it seemed closer to me than the other. I’m a bit frustrated! This is off topic but I need to release! So John has twisted off. I don’t know what has happened but I have my assumptions. He hasn’t been to work this week… I’m almost certain he is one of ‘my’ kind. If you know what I mean… Anyway! The warehouse manager is in a bad mood. This is nothing that has caught me off guard. Nothing new! She is quite moody, scatter brained and unorganized. She has her little bible sitting out on her desk and flaunts her Christianity HOWEVER… I personally don’t see it in her actions one bit! If it wasn’t for that bible sitting out daily. I would have never recognized her as a fellow believer. So, I was escorting a volunteer over to our distribution side of the warehouse and she barks out loud that he needs to be in processing. I say well… He has been here before, he may be able to assist Sarah better than the two she has now that are new. And she get’s this attitude… “I’m supposed to be running this warehouse and I decide where the volunteers work.” So, I wait till we are alone and I ask her what’s up with that? I was calm as I told her that she appears to be on some power trip. This was after she threw her head around and waved her finger all around. Then I got to thinking, well… Maybe I am the one on a power trip? I don’t know… but damn it… this tenth step is getting to me! The truth is I could sit here and blog all day about her attitude but will that help me at all? No, it will just piss me off even more. So she’s in a bad mood because she can’t keep a crew. And because she SUCKS at being a manager she has to prove to herself and everyone else in stupid things like this incident that she has AUTHORITY. I am a trip huh… I just calmly told this woman she appears to be on a power trip. I mean that’s a rude thing to say huh? And I just spit it out in casual conversation. She get’s her head bobbin’ at me and copes that black slang attitude and I’m just like, well it just looks like a power trip to me… but maybe I’m wrong. This was kind of my demeanor but I didn’t say “maybe I am wrong”…though it could be seen in my tone, you know. But it did piss me off and I came back to my office and about that time the other new girl that started about the time Sarah did is asking for a cigarette for the underage volunteer who had asked her for one. Do you know how old that kid is? We are a community based organization! We do not permit underage smoking on our property. We SURE do not assist in a minors attempt to form this nasty habit! New girl got the brunt of my frustration… Then I went on a mission to educate all employees of how no underage volunteer is allowed to smoke on our property! And we damn sure do not contribute or show approval. This included Sarah. She has allowed a 17 year old to smoke outside on breaks. She said but she is almost of age. Almost doesn’t count baby! No exceptions. I have always been a real stickler for not contributing to a minor. Even when I was blitzed out of my mind… I wasn’t cool with any kids being around. Maybe it’s because when I was a kid there were many adults that had a part of taking my innocence away. I don’t want to do that to any one else. And I wont! And neither will anyone that is around me! If I have any way possible of stopping it. Well, Sarah is going to buy me lunch. This morning when I got to work she had a gift sitting on my desk! She got me a frame for our pic that I have here on my desk. It’s none of the one’s ya’ll have seen but it’s a cute pic of her and I together. She got me a bracelet that has a little dangly charm that says “calm” on it.  She knows me well doesn’t she! I’ll write more later. Tonight I will go to a meeting. Oh yea and EGO…. This is my next song and dance… I need to learn to recognize… cause so many times the underlying problem in everything that happens to me is my damn EGO! Love ya! |
| My built-in-bod alarm clock woke me up at 5 this morning. I had changed the REAL alarm clock to sound at 6 instead of its normal time of 5, BUT to no avail. I’m Tired. I stayed up late, got up early. It’s hot. I’m tilting towards pessimism today but I know why. Tired: to have one's appreciation, interest, patience, etc., exhausted; OK that’s it! This is the third time ‘ Credit Offer’ has called me asking for MIKE. Third time in ten minutes, three different people and two of them HUNG up on me when I asked them to take me off the call-list and the other one, I hung up on! Get this… I thought it was a bill collector right, so I am being all cool… There is no Mike here; my name is Jennifer Blah blah… She asked if I could spell my last name for her, Sure! No problem! Then she said my phone number out loud and asked if it was listed to me. Yes! Ok, I’m thinking that she is about to apologize for the inconvenience and the conversation will end. There’s a short pause and she says: “Mrs. Blah blah… You have been selected and preapproved for… blah blah blah”… What? Hello? Are you stupid? I worked as a telemarketer for two weeks… Maybe not that long. I couldn’t hang. I try to be nice to em’. I know they are just out trying to make a dollar… but damn! That just brought me to the edge. “Ma’am?”…. She continues telling me about this grand offer but speaks louder to overpower my plea for her to stop… “ Uh… Ma’am… Ma’am? Hello?” … Still she keeps going… “DAMN IT WOMAN, Listen to me! Can YOU hear me? I’m not interested! Take me off the call list… NOT INTERESTED!” When I hung up on her she was still giving her speech. SHE was NOT a machine!  So today at work I made a mistake, actually yesterday’s mistake The Marketing Director in El Paso needed for me to print out a letter she had written, take it to one of our board members to sign and then overnight it to her. I did it yesterday. I felt I got the job done quickly and efficiently. Today she calls while I am out for lunch. Obviously the titles on the bottom of the letter didn’t print out properly… well I didn’t catch it, it was overnighted to her yesterday. Since I was out for lunch she spoke with Dawn. She asked Dawn to review the letter before I take it to get it signed for a THIRD time and have me overnight again! The first time she and I drove there together to meet with our board member. She gets back to El Paso and sees that there are mistakes so she needs for me to go back. Not a problem… I did it and I felt that she would be proud that I jumped on it so quickly. I could have farted around, completed my other tasks but instead I made her request priority. So she doesn’t explain anything to me she just forwards the letter again and asked that I go through the process of getting it signed and sent. I respond to her email… I did this yesterday for you? I was confused. I didn’t know that the titles were missing at this time. Well, she responds back and is just hasty to me. I could hear her tone through her written word. She even used my full name, as such… “I know. Jennifer.” And I got mad! Whewww I was perturbed! I was butt hurt actually. I felt stupid. But Anger surfaced first. The Tenth Step teaches me to take a daily inventory. There is a ‘spot check inventory’. The tenth step tells me to stop… look at why I am feeling what I am feeling… I just now got a FOURTH call from ‘Credit offer’… They just hung up on me! Anyway… I totally mouthed off to Dawn about this situation. I was mumbling and grumbling like a little kid to her as I threw about my papers… I was mad! So after I got it printed out and had her REVIEW it… got her stamp of approval… I sped off to get it signed and I took my time. I chilled. I turned off my car radio and I did a spot check. Why am I so pissed? And I saw cause I felt stupid. I felt like she had Dawn review this letter because I wasn’t capable of it. I saw that I had made the mistake. I didn’t know there were suppose to be titles there… I guess I maybe should have known… I don’t know, but I realized it was my mistake and I was sure glad I didn’t respond to her email in the fashion that I had fancied. Plus at the time I got her mail, the copy machine had ate six of the nine copies I was trying to make. A huge paper jam, I had to do surgery on the copy machine and then my originals tore from me yanking on em’… they were jammed in there! Let me tell ya… So it was just a frustrating moment already before I learned of the misprint. Really, I cringe when I hear someone refer to me as the “Receptionist”. I hate that title! Why should I even care? I think it may be cause I feel like I am wasting my potential. I have much more to offer than what this job is demanding of me. So when I do make some little stupid mistake, I feel totally inadequate. I feel stupid. Just stupid… Call #5 just came threw… I guess I feel that at thirty years old I should be farther along in a career. But the truth is, I don’t need to be finding my identity in a job. Been there, done that… Got drunk over it… and that was actually the only relief from the pain. I guess I need to just focus on the fact that I am right where I need to be. I do want to start back to college. I want to take some writing classes. I would like to teach. Teach what? I don’t know… but I think I would be a good a teacher. I know the time will come soon. Right now, I’m in the ‘in-between’… I am better than I have been but I’m still healing. I’m still learning every day. I’m still vulnerable. Call # 6… I’m not even answering now. But it is distracting me from writing! DAMN IT… I did get my surgery rescheduled for September 5th… It will be a relief to just get that over with. I’m also really excited about almost being through the steps for the first time. I am on ten now and will be diving into 11 and 12 in the coming weeks. This I am pleased with. I am really grateful for Sarah. She has so many great qualities about her. We are cultivating a fine friendship along with both our goals of sobriety. I’m preparing to make my amends. I have my list. I have an idea of what I need to say and to whom. I don’t care to hunt down my ex husband and my sponsor told me over lunch the other day that it isn’t necessary. If I feel that it could cause more harm then good… then she suggests to wait. God will put him in my path if it is meant to be. You see, I just don’t see that looking him up and intentionally contacting him would be a good idea. He is remarried. His wife doesn’t like me one bit. Even Tommy made comments back when we last spoke to sign the divorce papers about how she can’t stand it when my name is mentioned. She doesn’t know me, but she damn sure doesn’t like me. I don’t see any justification to be contacting him and pulling him away from her to make an amend. I don’t see me doing it in front of her either. Truthfully, I don’t like her either. I hear she runs him in the ground and likes to use their child as a weapon towards him. If he don’t do what she wants, she takes the baby and refuses to let him see her. So… I just don’t feel it wise for me to step into that… I think it best that I wait till an opportune time. Call #7… My step-dad’s amend is heavy on my heart. I may start with him and just work my way through the list. I thought about talking to him last night when I was over there on my mom’s computer but I decided to wait. They were stuck on American Idol anyway… my step-dad kept calling me in the living room to see somebody up there performing… Uhuuhh ok… Yea. They good… I’m on a mission! I got to go… I have intended to write about procrastination. I’ve had in mind to do some studying, some researching, you know just make a big song and dance about procrastination. That is one of my demons. I have been procrastinating about writing about procrastination! Do you know I procrastinated about keeping track of my mileage so I can get reimbursed and I now have no idea what I am owed. All the times that I forgot to write the mileage down and I just told myself I’ll write it when I’m going home this afternoon… then I forget. Then I remember that I forgot so I tell myself I’ll take note of it in the morning and it just keeps going and going. I haven’t kept record of my mileage most of this year because of PROCRASTINATION! And I have lost money. Is that throw’d or what? Here I am broke as hell and I’m throwing money away. Shit, I’m a RECEPTIONIST for a non-profit… it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that I’m a broke bitch. One would think that mileage reimbursement might be a priority to me. I have decided to slow down on making meetings. I just don’t have the time to make one every day. I’m through my ninety meetings in the first ninety days. I did what was suggested and I’m ready to expand my horizons. Don’t get me wrong, meetings are important… but so are other things. I want to get back to the gym. I had a problem with my account with them. They were suppose to be directly taking the monthly fee out of my checking account but somehow there was a miscommunication and they are sending me paper bills. You guys know about my opening mail behaviors right?! Yeah, I never even paid any attention to them. This is why I have my important stuff directly debited! I have called the gym owner twice and left message for him so we can get this cleared up. Twice he has returned my call and left message for me… it’s like a good game of “tag your it”… I’m hoping that he will work with me someway and let me catch up with the last two months payment on a payment plan of some kind. I miss those aerobic classes … they were a lot of fun. I think now I have a better grip on my sobriety then I did when I first joined. The gym was a lifesaver several times… it’s just a matter of getting back in the habit of it. BUT first I have to get the financial part straight with em’! The cool thing about all this bullshit… At least I see things for what they are, including myself. I see that I have a bad habit with procrastination. Acknowledging the problem is half the road to conquering it. right? I’m out for now… I still haven’t found the livingroom remote! But I’m going to the bedroom to watch the boob tube for a bit. I’m going to crash early tonight. I need some quality L&O time... Glad to get to share my story with someone. I appreciate you folks taking the time to click on my blog… I really do.  Good night Wow... No more calls! Yeah! Things are looking up after all! |
| I have spent the evening over at my mother’s house having a wrestling match with her scanner! But I won damn it! And I have pictures to show and tell… ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This was on the trip to Grandma’s house back in June or July. Here you get to see every bump in my butt! But look at the wide-open Texas land! Not the wide open butt… the land!  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Here’s my BOY! Ok Ok… He’s my brother’s boy… check this kid out! HE is 12 years old and stands as tall as me! I am five foot eight! He’s going to be a big man! I told him when I have trouble I will call on him in a few years. He says he’s a lover not a fighter. WHAT? But I’m your auntie! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Here we have the famous MEOWSTER and my mother in my apartment. It appears to be sometime around Christmas. Hence, the Christmas décor sitting on the coffee table. Isn’t she beautiful? Yeah, both of em’. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This pic, I would have enjoyed poking myself in the eye much more than you seeing this drunken image of me. This is at Grandma’s 80th birthday party just a bit before I told them all to kiss my ass and hit the road. BUT I wanted you to see my dad… Here we are in Idalou, TX celebrating Gram’s b-day. I celebrated a bit more than the rest of em’ as many of you may know. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Here we have my lovely self again!  Behind me is where I create my masterpiece blogs! And see the Horse plates on the wall? A gift from Shafter back in the day. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Here is Mom, JJ and Me waiting at the Airport for JJ to go back home to Florida. Meet the FAMOUS JJ… Yep, this is He. Has his hair pulled back in a pony. I always had him put it up cause he looked like a little hell raiser with it down and he’s not. He’s a GREAT kid… Good head on his shoulders… and he has four ears in this pic! I was exhausted this day! I was ready for his little butt to go home. Don’t tell him I said that though. I bought him that shirt too. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Still at the airport! Now, I am the camera guy. I also tried to play around with the photoshop on my mom’s puter and I couldn’t figure out how to delete the damn errors… So I gave up! I was in a hurry anyway… On a mission! Anyway, this is my mother, JJ and Sarah at the airport. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Well, now you know the truth. I am full of shit when I talk about all my domestic skills… Look at this mess! Here I am in my bedroom getting dressed to go to the Conference two weekends ago. Sarah snapped this pic when I wasn’t ready! That has happened to me a lot lately! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Here we are at the conference. My sponsor, Me, Sarah and Leslie, all sitting at the round table looking all important! Check out the coffee creamer bottle on the table! Anyone know what flavor that is? This is a test!** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** It’s my sister sponsor, My sponsor and ME. Living it up! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This is me and my famous Sponsee. I am about six foot tall with the heels I got on… and after seeing this pic I need to stop wearing that push up bra! OVERKILL! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Here is all us ladies lined up in a row. It’s the second day of the conference, I’m the one in green on the end… holding hands with Sarah in front of me. Penny is standing in front of Sarah and she celebrated 21 years of sobriety that night. She also has terminal cancer and isn’t expected to live long. We call her the princess… well cause she calls herself that. So Sarah and I bought her a T-shirt at the gift shop there at the conference that says “sober princess” on it. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Big John, Me and I have not a clue who that other dude is… I always start singing “Big John” when I see Big John, it’s just automatic! Something must have been funny cause I’m sure cracking in this pic and since I am the only one laughing… it must have been something I said. See the coffee creamer top??? Yeah… I carry that stuff with me everywhere I go! And my purse… the one I had that day anyway. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And here we have Me and Justin at the AA dance… We are both busting a move… One thing I like about Justin he is a good friend to his bud’s. I should have added him to my list in the previous blog. But here we are dancing SOBER!  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Here I am dancing again. This guy was a pain in the ass the entire night. He couldn’t dance not one bit! We all got to where we scattered when we saw him coming towards the table. But look around… this is my club, where I go every day for a dose of sobriety. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Kicking up my heels with a married guy! He wife was there by the way! But he could dance! Twirled me around till I was dizzy! I love to dance… Even sober it’s cool. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This is my sponsor and me. Sheree and I are standing outside the cabin that we stayed at in Ft Davis. This is April 15, 2007. I came to realize that I am a real alcoholic on the bathroom floor of this cabin. I worked steps one, two and three on that floor. People ask why I was in the bathroom? Well, because it was a small cabin and both Sheree and Leslie were asleep in the one room and I couldn’t sleep. I had so much shit going through my system that I was wide awake, so I took my little big book and my pack of smokes into the bathroom, sat on the floor and came to understand and believe. I have been sober ever since. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Last but not least! Here’s JJ toodling away … Have I mentioned how awesome he is? And with that I believe I will toodle away also! It’s way past my bed time! But I was a woman on a mission… Mission accomplished. |
| This is the second man to approach me from the Christian rehabilitation center… with an inquiring grin as they obliquely state … “So you know Corey?”… I can read right through em’… I know exactly what they mean to say… “So you banged Corey?”… *embarrassed* And I respond in kind: Well… I really don’t know him that well… What exactly do I mean to say? That was then and this is now… life goes on. I talked to Sarah about it. I have to understand that when we sober up, just as when the tornado stops… the wreckage is still there. And really Odessa is not a small town. The chances of Cowboy Corey and I crossing paths again were very slim. I don’t believe it to be coincidental. However! I don’t know him. He is a stranger to me… The girl that he met August of last year is a stranger to me too. I am going to lunch with my sponsor today. I am not getting very far with this blog entry because the same guy that asked about Corey is in here yakking away at me and will not STOP! Now, he is telling me about how Corey said I am looking much better, obvious that I sobered up… told about how I use to be a party girl! I will have to end this and come back later… SORRY OK, finally I got him out of here... He is waiting on Bob to come and get him so he can go work on his ranch. So here is the deal... He asked if I was married and I said no. He said will you are false advertising with that ring on your wedding finger... You know a good Christian man is going to pass you right up and you may miss out on a blessing. So I said that is a good thing because right now I have other things to take care of... and he said yeah I can understand that... he said I knew you wasn't married though... So I asked how did you know? He said cause Corey had told him. I said, well you know alot of things could have changed since Corey seen me last and he said... Lots of things have changed haven't they? Corey said you were totally different, said you look good... you look sober and healthy. Said the last time he saw you ... you were a wild party girl... I acted as if I was only paying half ass attention and I was... cause I really wanted him out of here... But I heard that part! Then he said something about fluffing my feathers... I don't know... but anyway I am going to lunch with Sheree... Love me! |
| ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I found this old pic of me. I know it is sucky! I look so young… so innocent. I look high in that picture. I am sure that I was! This picture was taken when I was just getting divorced, just started college and right before I stepped into my wild years. Well… for the second time around anyway… My hair is much shorter in this pic than it is now… and it’s a strawberry blonde in the pic and now I’m more of a bleach blonde I guess… Anyway… I am so sick. My tummy is so upset. I think I slept in a funny position cause the left side of my upper body is sore AND my thumb hurts. I need a thumb massage…  It’s been a weird day… I don’t even know what to say about it except that I’m glad it’s bedtime and I been wanting to play around online but instead I been hunkered over in tummy pain. I wonder if I ate something funky… this is not normal … it has eased up though and I hope it stays that way until at least I fall out. It wasn't a bad day… it wasn’t a great day either… I guess it was one of those normal days that normal people have in their normal lives. My sponsee did get her 90-day chip today… that was cool… I did work about 30 minutes late, that’s not normal! Well I think I said enough yesterday for a week… so today I’m just going to go whine and hold my tummy till sleep finds me. Buh bye … |
| As I flipped through the channels on the bedroom television I just almost lost my lollipops…(the living room TV’s remote is missing in action, can’t find it no where!) Anyway… Let me tell you… My mother is a nurse. She delivered babies for twenty years, worked in ER for less than a year (rough stuff there) and then in Cardiac for about three years. Now she works in home health, spends most of her days traveling in the company car, talking on the company cell phone, visiting sweet, lovable elderly people for less than 20 minutes a pop and makes no less than $40 a visit plus her mileage. I wanted to go into the nursing field, but I just couldn’t. When I see blood or guts… or if I see someone in pain… I lose it… face to the floor, out for the count. I couldn’t even pick splinters out of my ex-husbands finger… I may not be quite that bad now… but I’m squirrelly OKAY… So as I innocently flipped between Dog the Bounty Hunter and Bad Boys Part two… just as I had done pleasantly for the last thirty minutes… ALL of the SUDDEN… an image of a blood gushing boob appeared on the screen and I think I gave myself whip lash turning away from the view! I mean blood poured down this woman’s breasts and belly and THIS DOCTOR forced this pink looking balloon under her skin. He was just jerking, pulling, prodding, and poking away like her whole body was made of plastic! Man, that woman is going to be in some pain when she wakes up! I just don’t get it... You know I like to look good… I’m a girly girl but there is no way in hell I could ever go through all that pain for firmer or bigger breast, that ain’t even mine! I just have no desire to have breast implants… never have. I have had boyfriends (EX’S, by the way) tell me they are gonna buy me some boobs cause well I got little pointy looking boobs. Save your dollars buddy! I got a hand full and that’s all I’m ever gonna need! I figure if I ever get pregnant they might get a little bigger but ain’t no way I am enduring all that pain for what? I just don’t get?!? If I were a man I would want the real deal anyway… I’m not into piercings either. I got three earrings in each ear and that’s as far as it goes with the man-made holes in my body… I wear diamond studs in the top holes most always and switch out my bottoms daily. No belly button rings, No Nose ring, No Eyebrow ring… Nope! Never gonna have em’ either… no desire… I would like a little loop earring on the top of my ear, I think those are sexy but I’m too chicken shit… I hear they hurt. And plus I had hell with my the two when I got them, my hair would get wrapped around em’ and I couldn’t take em’ out or they would heal up. Then I would answer the phone at work and bring tears to my eyes… I’m a wusss… I am… I’m a lover not a fighter baby! I have one tattoo on my ankle. I got it when I was 15 years old. You may remember my childhood story? Yeah, I was tougher then than I am now… I would like to get it covered up with like a big burly looking angel but once again, I’m too chicken shit. Maybe I’ll find the courage someday, but that will be the extent of my tats too. I don’t think body tats are sexy… maybe one or two… but anymore than that is just white trash looking, in my opinion! My real dad has a naked woman on his forearm and a skull on his shoulder. Several others… his name and one of his wife’s names… (Not my mother) but He tried to scrub that naked woman off his forearm and you can see the scars where he scraped at it. Then he went back and put a bikini on her! For real! I’m glad I never put one of those pot dots between my thumb and index finger like all my friends did back in the day. Anyone remember those? Pot dot’s… Yeah, just a little dot… How silly… Well! So much for my channel flipping… I decided I’d come write instead… So how was your day Hunny? I thought you would never ask! It’s been a long day that’s for sure! I have been on this funky sleeping schedule all weekend long. I fell asleep yesterday like at 6 or 7, I’m not even sure… and I woke up this morning about 3AM. I have been up ever since. I would really like to take a nap but I don’t need too cause I will wake up in the middle of the night and be ready to get this party started! And then have to sit and wait on the rest of the world to wake up!… I’m really not all that tired but I have noticed I am a bit whiny today. Been sitting on the pity pot for some reason… but I fought my way OUT! I have a confession to make. It’s gonna hurt too… but I can not keep it from you no more… You have the right to know… this is hard for me to say but I can not live a lie any longer… I love you and you know I always will… but you’re not always around and last week my eyes began to wonder aimlessly… and the truth is…I found another. Yes… I am blogging elsewhere! I know it hurts but to tell you the truth I’ve just been a little bored with you lately… I mean you only write when you FEEL like it… What about me? What about how I FEEL? I need more than just a few words every now and again! All day long I wait and sometimes you show… sometimes you don’t… what’s a girl to do? Ok, I’m kidding but for real… I wrote my morning blog on www.sobercircle.com You could click on the link to the left, to the left…everything you own in the box to the left… there if you really really wanna know what I had to say but it was mostly directed to my sponsee. She actually introduced me to that site and I still haven’t looked around much but I do know it rocks… well cause everyone there is just like me! You guys are Earth People… You’re my Non AA friends… in fact! You’re the ONLY non AA friends that I have… well cause my sponsor told me to not have any and I listen to her! You can’t very well offer me a drink can ya? Well, you could but it would be less tempting. So at this site, We got old folks, young folks, middle aged folks all trying to stay sober… and everyone is so nice… They all keep telling me to keep coming back! YOU never tell me to come back! Sometimes you don’t tell me anything at all… You just lurk around in the shadows and prolly laugh at me… you make my stats go up a notch or two… but you never have nothing to say! I need to know that you love me… I can’t go on like this anymore… I haven’t been drinking… I swear! I have been totally bored… and I think this is my way of entertaining myself.  I just cracked myself up! You know it’s an AA thing to say, “keep coming back! Glad you’re here!”… They tell everyone that… anyway…  After I spent time with my OTHER blog I then went to Wal-Mart and got my beloved coffee creamer! Yes I did… And a loaf of bread, a pint of milk, a bag of tortillas, some apples and bananas… Oh and COFFEE… that’s all I could afford… and then guess what I DID? I washed my car! I even vacuumed it out! I washed the windows even… Yep, with Windex! I got a little sad… I saw an old man riding his bicycle down the street and it made me think of Armand and about that time Lynard Skynard sang “If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?” And that is such an Armand song and I had a mushy moment… as I washed my car I remembered Armand rode with me a few times when I washed it before. He would tell me how I need to take care of this car cause it’s something to be proud of. I just had a moment… Then I realized that Armand is as free as a bird now! As the birds flew about the trees and I drove slowly through their flock … it was like a sign! I wander what it’s like where Armand and Shafter are? I know what my faith tells me… but it’s just hard to see it from where I am. I do know they are better off … It’s just a trip cause I’ve not been close to death very much at all and then all of the sudden two are gone! Armand use to tell me “Yeah… Shafter has him a damn good pit stop in you”… Huh? What? He would say Shafter comes around when he don’t have no where else to go… “He’s got a good rest stop in you”… He never could say his name right either… he always called him Shyster… I think he did it on purpose… So, I got a lot of my step studies done this weekend. Been doing a lot of reading and meditating and praying and all that healthy stuff and I feel it too! I feel better… I’m in a good place, just a little whiny… CAN YOU TELL? The fish are happy, swimming in their fresh clean home. The meowster is happy sunnin’ it out on the balcony… the apartment smells of freshly brewed coffee. The dishes are done, the bed is made! Yeah! Don’t spew your drink out! I’ve been quite domestic this weekend… OH And all the laundry is done! I shit you not! But that was during the week when I did that… MEMBER? I went to a meeting this morning at 10, met up with my sister sponsor over at the rough side of town group… The neighborhood I grew up in. She stopped at Sonic and got us a Cherry Limeade… I don’t like Cherry Limeades but I wasn’t going to tell her that, cause I’ve got a little tact! BUT guess what I did? Not on purpose either! I knocked it over! Right in the middle of the room… Splashed everywhere! Yep… I think I turned several shades of red… but I mopped it up and at least I didn’t have to drink it! The meeting topic was “amends”… how fitting… and it never fails… when Leslie and I go somewhere together… EVERYONE thinks we are sisters! Strangers come up and ask… are y’all twins or just sisters? I mean… it never fails! I really don’t have a problem with it cause I think Leslie is pretty. My hair is blonder than her’s… she is darker than I am… but we do resemble each other a lot. She is 15 years older than I am! But she doesn’t look it… when I meet her, I figured she was my age… I freaked when she said she was a grandma… but her grandbaby is ONE… Woo Hoo! … She ain’t been a gram’s for long! I am sooo hot and sweaty! I am miserable over here! But I’m steadily drinking this coffee… Go figure! I need another shower! And it’s almost bedtime! WOOT! Look at me just wishing this day away… Really… I’m about sick and tired of being all by my lonesome. I needed a self-overhaul and baby I got one… I need to be around the people now! I’m just never happy… Either hot or cold overwhelmed or bored… I need a happy in the middle place! My Cat is now on the back of the recliner and she is laying on the hammer… I tried to hang a mirror up in the bathroom and then gave up cause I have no patience and now Meow is cuddling with the hammer… Weird o … That same man was there at the meeting. That one that reminds me of my dad. He has that glare in his eye but he is nicer than he looks. I don’t know what it is but there is something about him that catches my eye. He’s an old man! So it’s not that! His wife is old too but as cute as she can be… just got a cuteness that don’t stop… but I think I catch his eye too cause you know how you know when someone is watching you… and then when you look at them they look away! … I wonder if he is related to my dad or something! It’s not that he even looks like my dad… he just has my dad’s gunslinging outlaw having attitude, He’s got that “I’ll be your huckleberry look” too him. I think he recognizes it in me too… or it could just be that he sees me looking at him but when he looks at me, I look away! Whatever the case… I like him. It ain’t one of those mushy kind of like’s… it’s just something about him has my respect. Well… I told you about my OTHER one… but I’m not going to tell my OTHER one about you because YOU’RE my safe haven… You my big daddy that I can always run back home too!  I think I’ve said all I got to say… I could say more but I’ll think I’ll shut up for now…. Love me long time! I have lost my mind... |
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