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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
I have been sleeping most of this Labor Day. I went over to my mother’s this morning, gave her the scrapbook, corrected her on Kyle’s wife NOT being JJ’s Aunt Jenny. She is NO RELATION to him… None, Nada… Nope! Kyle is my cousin… My brother’s cousin… so he is JJ’s like Great Cousin? 2nd Cousin? Something but SHE is NOT his AUNTIE! Yeah, I’m a bit territorial at times.  BUT it was incorrect none the less! And she fixed it.  I uploaded some pics and visited for a few. Not in the best of mood today either! I woke up with a sore back and shoulders. I must have slept funny. Mom said we could have a BBQ but I declined. I’m just not feeling very cordial and I haven’t most of the weekend. I’m SO tired! I’m getting a bit concerned about my sleepy head now to. I have slept through out the nights and part of the days of this entire weekend. I feel good for an hour or so after waking and then I’m drained again. I’m taking my vitamins! I’m eating a little better! I’m still not getting much exercise; maybe that’s it. I’ll do better after the surgery. The surgery is scheduled for Wednesday. I have to be at the clinic at 9:45A.M. So, I will go to work tomorrow and that’s the end of the workweek for me! I told my sponsor that I’m not real happy about having to get this surgery, NATURALLY… but I am looking forward to the VALIUM!  Not the best thing to say to your sponsor huh? She laughed and laughed. I do have a busy day tomorrow… things at work I have to complete since I know I will be gone till next week. I have to write a media release and contact the media about the Fair. These people from Arkansas are donating their PIG to us! They are setting up their 1,000 lb. hog for the pubic to view at the Fair, for a small fee, and all proceeds will benefit the Food Bank. I wanna see the hog first. I can’t do this justice without seeing the hog! Kidding… but I do need to get that complete. I also have to pick up some more prescriptions… Bust out some more cash…  Thank God for insurance! And get to the store for a few necessities since I most likely will not be getting out for a day or so. I gotta make a list! Kenneth – AKA – Skittles called today. I didn’t answer  … I just don’t wanna talk to nobody. He hasn’t called since I told him I wasn’t interested in a relationship. Today he left message on the answering machine, said he missed talking to me and tell Meow Meow that he said Hiiiiiiiii! It’s cute the way he says her name… He pauses between Me and Ow… Me - ow Me - ow… Cute, Cute, Cute… I doubt I will ever return a call to him. Who knows?! At this time … I’m not. I got to much going on and I do still have a grudge about his comments about my “Big Money”… As if! Shows how much he pays attention huh? I got my chicken boiling! I’m fixing to throw some bell peppers on to sauté. A frozen mixture of various kinds and of course, I’m gonna throw some ONI – ON in there! It’s late for dinner, yes… I didn’t wake up till almost 7PM, I feel asleep like around 1 or 2, well right after I posted the first entry… I passed out! When I woke up, I had to take out the trash, get some more water from the water mill… get another DR Pepper from the coke machine… straighten up my place… get ready for a Monday on a Tuesday. Had to catch up to everyone here in Blogsville… See what’s shaken? And I’m tired again! Ready to go back to bed! Sarah so freaked out on me when we shopped Friday. She was shopping for Shoes etc… at Wal-Mart. I went to the food section and did my grocery shopping and we met back up by the checkouts. She curled her nose and yelled in a squeaky voice, “ You’re buying a WHOLE chicken? What the hell you gonna do with that?” I’m gonna eat the son bitch!” “Baby girl, I know Momma does the grocery shopping at your place but Uh… When you depend on your paycheck to LIVE … You find ways to stretch a dollar.” That was rude I know. Well, we have that kind of relationship. She always says shit to me… and Friday she said, “you aren’t gonna wanna be my friend if I keep talking to you like this, huh?” In regards to something I don’t even remember what it was… my driving probably. I do have a heavy foot. I responded… “If I can dish it out, I outta be able to take it. Don’t you think?” Sarah loves country music! I like some of it, most of it… I would say… but there are some songs I just can’t hang with! She was listening to some song… Went something like, “Free and Easy down the road I go”… OMG it was so getting on my nerves! This guy just kept repeating that line over and over and over in this deep, dull and annoying hick voice… Sarah is bouncing around… singing at the top of her lungs… Free and Easy down the road I go! “This is the reason I don’t listen to country radio stations!” I blurt out… “This man is about to make me crazy! Shut down that ANNOYING, IDIOTIC, DORK ASS SONG” … She looks at me, all butt hurt… “ I like this song.”… She pouted… Figures. ** I have so forgot about the parole letter I’m suppose to be writing for Dude in PRISON! I got to get on that! Also, I have found a new addiction. Yes I have… I am addicted to PECANS! I have a shit load of them that my mother gave me. It’s not just eating them that I’m addicted too… It’s cracking them open! I got me a pair of pliers and I have sat for hours just cracking them open! It’s like once I start… I CAN’T STOP! And I’m trying real hard to learn to crack them perfectly with the pliers … so that the WHOLE pecan comes out and not just little broken pieces! I just gotta find the right spot to crack em’! I’m gonna figure it out! And then I will pass on my newfound knowledge. It may be simpler to go buy a nut cracker… but not near as much fun! Check out my pictures  in previous blog entry if you haven’t so far.. I’m diving off into the California King! I said to hell with the peppers and onions… it’s too late! Jen Says "Buh Bye to Blogsville, Hello to Sleepville!" ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Happy Labor Day! Hoping you have a blast! I have some more pictures to show. I have them hidden now. I’m not good at being sneaky! BUT I did not want to lay them all out at once. These pictures are various times of my life. Different members of my family… I did get a pic online of Armand and Shafter. BUT I’m going to write a special piece for them and will post the pics at that time. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Here I am standing next to the famous jackrabbit here in Slowdeatha , I mean Odessa, TX. My mother guessed that I’m five years old in this pic. So this would have been taken 25 years ago in 1982  Year built: 1962 Material: fiberglass Height: 6 feet Cost: $2,300 Inspiration for the hare was provided in the early 1960's by Tom Taylor, former director of the Texas Highway Department Travel and Information Division. During a speech in Odessa, Taylor suggested that the town erect a monument to the jackrabbit since there were so many in the area. The Odessa Chamber of Commerce, under the leadership of John Ben Shepperd, took to the idea and in 1962 erected the statue on Lincoln Street in downtown Odessa across from the Chamber offices. ~ http://www.wlra.us/wl/wljkrbbt.htm ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Here is JJ standing next to the Jackrabbit in July 2007. ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Here I am sitting on my dad’s lap. Notice the tension?? I do. And then I’m on a pony. Mom says I’m about 2 or 3 in his lap and maybe closer to 5 on the pony. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Here’s my brothers 11th birthday. He was born in 1971… Math is not my strong point… but anyway! If J was 11, then I must have been 5 here too! ** So I skipped a few years… some things I’m just not ready to expose to you all… not yet. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Here we are in my hellraising years. Well the beginning of them… This is outside of my Jr. High School, 8th Grade I would guess. Some of you may remember my pieces of the past entry that spoke of this time of my life. I was not a happy little girl. Here’s the link, if you haven’t and wish to do so "Invalid Item"  OR maybe NOT? ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Here is Tommy and I, Christmas of 1992. This is the year that we met and we were so YOUNG and in love. Tommy is my Ex Husband. We have been divorced since 2002. We married in 1995. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Through the party years… here we are. Not real sure when this was. The picture has had some damage. I remember we were at his sister’s house in the backyard. I was having a blast. Tommy wasn’t too happy with the wildness in the air. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Here we have Tommy’s little sister, her best friend and me. Yep. Robert is dressed in drag. She is really a HE. Or something?  He did look hot didn’t she? This picture was taken some time around the same time frame as the above pic.  That is a lipstick kiss on my cheek from Roberto, by the way. He really is a nice guy. I seen him not to long ago at the pool of my apartments and he just ran up and put a choke hold on me! A real big hug… ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Here we are on Thanksgiving day. Yep! You sure right… We are toasted. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Last pic and close to the end of our marriage. This will be the last picture of him posted in my portfolio. I have already left what lies behind… but sometimes we do have to go back into the past to figure out what we want in the future. Tommy wasn’t a bad guy. We were just young. Too Young to be playing house and trying to act all grown up. I imagine things would have turned out different had we not fell headfirst into addiction. I wouldn’t change it if I could. I wouldn’t be the lady I am today had any of it not happened. ** That’s all for now. I must toodle away! Love ya, Mean it… |
| I lied! I'm going to bed. I'm sleepy! The cat is driving me crazy. I have created a spoiled little feline that thinks it's all about her. I bought her those little Elegant Medley canned cat foods the other day when I went to the store and then Friday I bought her some more because It just felt so GOOD to watch her be so happy and content. NOW she won't eat nothing else and is crying at her bowl when there is a bowl full of her NORMAL food! I'm going to bed! Tomorrow I'm going to my mother's to do some stuff, prolly bbq with them or whatever for the holiday. She called today when I was sleeping and I haven't called her back. I'm so antisocial these days! ahh... It'll pass eventually. I like being by myself for the most part. But it's time to get out for a bit ... after a good nights rest. Later! |
| I am so temperamental. I even recognize it in myself. You know it must be obvious if I see it in ME. Unpredictable, given to erratic behavior, excessively sensitive and irritable. I’m emotional! I’m excited one minute and depressed the next! My moods are quick to change. Yesterday I was blissfully enjoying my day off… today I’m mobbing around it seems. It’s like I’m tired but I slept earlier! Maybe I’m still in need of some sleep. Come to think of it, I wasn’t all that happy yesterday either. I listened to Ann Murray, Amazing Grace, about a dozen times and it perked me up. That song brings tears to my eyes when I think of all the times that I didn’t get what I deserved. I think maybe cause I been in my apartment all weekend and by myself. Sure, I need ME time but where’s the balance? It’s all or nothing all the time with me. I have been unsociable lately. Leslie wanted me to go to another AA dance last night for Labor Day and I just didn’t want to go. I don’t want to talk and smile and laugh when there ain’t nothing funny. It’s a nice day here in Odessa. A cold front came through and the temp dropped to mid 80’s today. Now that the sun is completely gone the cool breeze feels wonderful. I just went downstairs to get me a Dr Pepper from the laundry mat and I told myself I should go for a walk, maybe a drive… just get out for a bit. Then my self said back, not interested. I have the patio door open and the freshness is divine. I think that is making me feel better already. Today I completed JJ’s scrape book. He really gets a laugh about those caption bubbles so I made sure and put lots of em’ all over the place. I also wrote my thoughts or memories about the pics. My mother also labeled the pictures and put dates etc… My cousin, Kyle, married a girl named Jenny last year. My mother put their wedding picture in there and labeled it “Great Uncle Kyle & Great Aunt Jenny” … I wrote after my mother, I am the ONE and ONLY Aunt Jeni. Who is this imposter? She has got to go! I don’t know if they will think it’s funny or not… but I do! JJ knows I have a throw’d off sense of humor. In the beginning of the scrapbook I wrote some of the lyrics to the song he listened to over and over while he was here. Rodney Atkins, These are my people. I wrote on the front cover of his book: These are my people. This is where I come from. Giving this life everything we got and then some. It ain’t always pretty, but it’s real--- It’s the way we were made, wouldn’t have it any other way. These are YOUR people. Never stop singing your songs, little J. You’re loved, Aunt Jeni I hope he enjoys it. I also told him that Meowster said she don’t miss him one bit cause he said he liked Grandma’s cat better and she is still butt hurt about that. Told him that Justin said, Sup? Sheree said, Come back and visit soon… and Sarah, well you know she is allllwaaaayyysss saying something… about how she misses you. JJ… within the first few days Sarah hung out with us, he told her, “My Aunt Jeni says you talk too much.” I almost spewed out my coffee right then! Kids just spill it, not good at keeping secrets! ACTUALLY! He is the one that said she talks all the time, I just said, “You sure right about that!”… So… little brat set me up. JJ is a very intelligent, intellectual, witty young man. He is really mature for his age. We had a great time. The next time he comes to visit he will be a teenager! OR even a full grown man! We don’t get to see him often! I had a moment when I was working on the scrape book today. I was like; this GUY standing next to me use to sleep in my arms! Selah = (pause and ponder such a thing) just wild!I’m going for another shower. I smell like a cigarette! And I’m going to vacuum and go fetch some water and then I’ll be back most likely for another entry! I have more to say. |
| As my sponsor told her story on Thursday night, she spoke highly of her husband, Troy. They have been married 18 magnanimous years. She always uses the word magnanimous when she tells of her hitched years with him. I find that interesting. In other words, she is expressing her gratitude in finding such a good guy that’s willing and capable of being in a magnanimous relationship. My sponsor has 18 years of sobriety. She is celebrating 18 years of marriage. Coincidence? I think not… I’m posting a pic of Troy and then a separate pic of Sheree…BLONDE MOMENT! I never took one of them together! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This is Troy, Sheree’s hubby, JJ and No Makeup wearing version of Jen. YEAH… I have that cap on to conceal my bedhead. That is a STRAW sticking out of my mouth. Yes, I like to chomp on stuff… Straws, Pens, gum, ice… it matters not. In this picture we are at the café that I frequent often. Sheree is taking the picture. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My sponsor is in the red outfit. Then there’s my sister sponsor, Leslie and I’m standing behind them with that shit eatin’ grin. Sheree says she doesn’t take good pictures. I tend to agree somewhat. She is a beautiful woman and these pictures do not give her justice. Rarely pictures ever do… Sheree met her husband when she was 9 months sober. Well, actually she had known him before. He was married to her running buddy, the woman she used dope with. But at 9 months sober she was working on her amends. Coincidentally she crossed paths with Troy at a local café that she NEVER went to, nor did he. She had a part in him losing custody of his son. She and her running buddy took his child support money and smoked and swallowed it. Unbeknownst to him… until the day he got notice that there was a warrant for his arrest. There is much more to the story and Troy eventually lost all rights to his son and spent many years without being a part of the boy’s life. Sheree felt she had a part in this and owed him an amend. She approached him at this café and tells of his attitude towards her. He was not pleasant… but she promised him she would do whatever she could to help make right what she helped make wrong. They became friends that day and eventually fell in love and married. Oh – and he was divorced from her running buddy when they ran into each other at the café… Missed a small detail there Sheree and Troy’s relationship is beautiful. I tell her often that I will not settle for anything less than what she has with him. They are magnanimous to each other. Magnanimous: Generous in forgiving an insult or injury; free from petty resentfulness or vindictiveness High-minded Generous and understanding and tolerant Courageously noble in mind and heart. Though both of them had come from broken homes and hearts. God took what Satan intended for harm and he made it good. What we go through is preparing us for what God has planned. By the way, Troy now has an awesome relationship with his son. He and Sheree threw the years fought for his rights and won them back. I really don’t know what made me think of this … maybe cause when I called her yesterday she was with him and they were just laughing and cutting up, having a blast as they ran their errands… 18 years together and they love each other more every day. I’ll be back, I gotta stretch, my butt hurts! I need to get working on JJ's scrapebook! Also... I gotta get to writin about my bottom ... but it will zap me and I know it... so I have to prepare myself. I am going over to mom's to scan some more pics so I'm sure I will be posting more soon. Happy SUNDAY... Is it Sunday? Already? GLAD I AM OFF FROM WORK TOMORROW... Yay! |
| The phases of wound healing are: 1. Hemostasis – Who are your glycoproteins? 2. Inflammation – A case of the red ass isn’t always a bad thing. 3. Granulation – Just Keep keeping on – A new beginning awaits 4. Remodeling - Our Strength returns Hemostasis phase: When tissue is first wounded, platelets express glycoproteins on their cell membranes that allow them to stick to one another and to aggregate, forming a mass.  You are my glycoproteins, so are the ladies of AA that have loved me through my pain. Why do we need them glycoproteins? CAUSE They cross-link together and form a plug that traps proteins and particles and prevent further blood loss! Stick with the folk that are willing to hold you through your pain! Inflammation phase: Inflammation lasts as long as there is debris in the wound. Thus the presence of dirt or other objects can extend the inflammatory phase for too long, leading to a chronic wound. A CHRONIC wound?!? Interesting Because inflammation plays roles in fighting infection, it is a necessary part of healing. However, inflammation can lead to tissue damage IF it lasts too long. How long is to long? You tell me. Attracted to the wound site by GROWTH factors released by platelets and other cells, monocytes from the bloodstream enter the area through blood vessel walls. These tough little bastards kick the walls down and take over! But! They are only attracted to growth. hmmm…You don't say... After maturing inside the wound they are called Macrophages. Macrophages act as THE “contractor” inside the wound. Their main role is to phagocytise (devour) bacteria and damaged tissue, and they ensure that the wound is cleaned. delicate, dirtless, faultless, flawless, fresh, graceful, immaculate, neat, orderly, pure, sanitary, unblemished, well-kept, white as snow Psalms 51:7 ~ LORD ~ Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Monocytes = Word of God? Macrophages = the Big Guy himself? Just a thought Do always consider the source KAY? I am a woman of Faith … I see Him in everything. I know not every one can relate to such an idea but I hope those that read this are able to. Macrophages, stimulated by the low oxygen content of their surroundings, produce factors that induce and speed up Angiogenesis (The formation of new blood vessels.) They stimulate cells that re-epithelialize (form a covering of epithelial cells over) the wound, create granulation tissue (new connective tissue and tiny blood vessels that form on the surfaces of a wound.) They lay down a NEW, advanced, brand-new, different, distinct, fresh, uncontaminated, unique, unseasoned, unspoiled, untouched, unused extracellular matrix. Macrophages are VITAL for pushing the wound healing process into the next phase. God is vital if we WANT to heal. Granulation phase: Granulation tissue is needed to fill the void that has been left by a large, open wound that crosses the basement membrane. It begins to appear in the wound even during the inflammatory phase, though possibly not felt or recognized right away. The tissue in which angiogenesis has occurred typically looks red. Another case of the red ass? In order to form new blood vessels, stem cells from parts of uninjured blood vessels develop and PUSH through the ECM into the wound site. Through this activity, they establish new blood vessels. Lot’s of PRESSING and PUSHING and keeping on just keeping on… eh? Granulation tissue consists of NEW blood vessels, fibroblasts, inflammatory cells, endothelial cells, myofibroblasts, and the components of a new, provisional ECM. It’s a whole New world… a brand new world! The Aladdin theme song is stuck in my head now! Or the Mermaid? Yeah The Mermaid one! I could goggle and get the correct name but It just matters not to me. Remodeling phase: As this phase progresses, the tensile strength of the wound increases, with the strength approaching 50% that of normal tissue since healing began and ultimately becoming as much as 80% as strong as normal tissue. The phases of wound healing normally progress in a predictable, TIMELY manner; *** Jen snickers and snorts, blushes and covers mouth embarrassed *** if they do not, healing may progress inappropriately to either a chronic wound such as a venous ulcer or pathological scarring such as a keloid scar. SCARS? You mean were scarred if we don’t and scarred if we do?? I think so… But 80% of our normal structure is much better than bleeding to death over a proverbial leg wound? Wouldn’t you agree? *** Wound healing was found: www.pilonidal.org/pdfs/Principles-of-Wound-Healing.pdf and of course the lovely Encyclopedia! I could not live without one ~ and also the dictionary cause this Texas party girl had to figure out what some of them big ol’ words was trying to tell me! Whewww… *** I thought about it. I still stand behind my theory that time does heal all wounds. HOWEVER…We can CHOOSE to slow the process down OR to keep peeling off the scab every time it begins to form…if we so desire… the truth is… we are going to hurt in the healing process and we are going to hurt if we never heal. I choose to suffer only that which is necessary. God Says: I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life , that both thou and thy seed may live. ~ Deuteronomy 30:19 I choose LIFE… I hope you do too… May God Bless you and Heal you … EVERY WHERE that you hurt.  "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, That saved a wretch like me.... I once was lost but now am found, Was blind, but now, I see. |
| I want to thank you fine folk here on WDC. You are like my own personal support group. You boost me up. You tell me when I screw up. You love me anyway. You keep coming back to see me even when I get way out there. I truly am grateful that I stumbled across WDC however long ago. You know I had found WDC back years ago and I joined and even posted a few of my writings… got some awesome reviews. I never upgraded and soon forgot about the site. Well I was right in the middle of my addiction and was putting no effort into changing. And there was little time for me to pursue anything but getting high. So I never returned. Hey! I think my screen name was jenifermichelle. I’m going go see if I can find my old self! After that I’m going to nap. I woke up this morning freaking out! I thought I was late for work. I was trrippppinnn! But I then realized nope it’s your day off silly so I got up and brewed my coffee and attacked my home with a bottle of bleach spray. Got it all cleaned up and ready for my sponsor and Leslie to come over for a group session this morning at 10 AM. I’m busting a move to get it all done, get my shower, made some fresh coffee. Fixed up a fruit dish for us to snack on while doing our studies. And about 10:20 I thought… where is everybody? Phone ain’t ringing, door ain’t knocking… so I give Sheree a call. She forgot about group. I didn’t remind her either. I just asked how she was doing. She told me she was on her way to Midland to do this and that. She had her husband with her and they were out taking care of business. I told her I just called to check in and have a beautiful day. This is an example of why I feel like a second sponsor might be in my best interest. She is just so busy. I do understand but I am a little upset about it. It really just confirms that my feeling of her busy schedule being a distraction in sponsoring me is accurate. But I’m OK… I can do my big book study solo and it’s all good. I’m not in a bad place today. I’m actually feeling peaceful this morning. I am still tired. I woke up still tired so I think I’ll take a little nap. I’m wishing you all a great weekend. Don’t do anything I wouldn't do! That leaves you wide open to anything you want, doesn’t it? |
| Tatum spoke and his story is powerful. He has the neatest character. He’s a type A personality like me. Quick thinking, quick talking, a little arrogant, witty, funny and just a good ol’ country boy that almost killed himself with drink and drugs. He was the first person to welcome me into the doors of AA. He checked out of the Quack house (as he worded it) the day after I checked in. And I was in detox, which is isolated from the rest of the group, for the first three days. So I really didn’t get to know him until the AA meetings. He’s outgoing and friendly. I remember he smiled and waved at me when I first tip toed in the doors trying to not be noticed. Several months down the line I decided I didn’t like him too much. I kept relapsing and coming in having to set another dry date. He had his one dry date and it has never changed. I made a comment during just casual conversation that this was the first time in my life that I had been sober. He popped off “and you call what you’re doing sobriety?”  Well, I’m the type of person that you can see whatever I’m thinking on my face. I’m very expressional. So like instantly my dislike of his remark flashed across my face and I don’t remember exactly what I said in reply but it was something close to … Up Yours I walked away from that conversation obviously perturbed and didn’t speak or smile at him for a while. I even told my sponsor that I thought he was an arrogant jerk. After I got through that hard spot I came to understand that his comment helped me… it pissed me off and I was going to hold on to a date just to show that egotistical bastard if he could do it, I could damn sure do it too! That lasted about a week and I twisted away again… cause uh… ain’t nothing going to keep me sober but my higher power… but in the beginning I didn’t know that. Tatum knew I was pissed about what he said and he stopped approaching me to socialize too. Eventually I got over it and realized it was a true statement that he made but not one I wanted to hear. Maybe I should have rephrased my statement and said, “This is the first time I have ever WANTED sobriety”. Well, anyway… One day it just happened that we ended up next to each other and had to hold hands during the end of the meeting prayer. Both of us obviously hesitate. I had wanted to make peace with him. I knew it was my own pride that caused me to swell up. So I just squeezed his hand and smiled up at him and he squeezed and smiled back. It was like a silent understanding that personalities clash and shit gets taken wrong… but we are on the same side. That tension between us has been gone from that day to this one. I have much admiration and respect for Tatum. He is a family man. A stubborn strong soul. An awesome speaker and teacher. If he wasn’t married I mean it! I would be slappin’on the fo-fo for that guy! ** I had almost talked myself into staying home and writing instead of going to listen to him speak. And I will tell you why… I dread going to my closet and finding something to put on cause I feel like such a rollie pollie! I called my sponsor to tell her I was just going to stay home and then I changed my mind while on the phone with her and decided I would go! GAWD… the joys of PMS… Also, my sponsor said something that I did not realize. She said the birth control pills I am taking are making me gain weight. Yeah… She is right…. But I know that I been mackin’ down hardcore here lately too… so I can’t blame it on the little pills. And really if I was taking them for birth control, I would toss the little son bitches… cause I ain’t getting me none no way. But they have made a big change in my hormone balances. I can see it myself. I use to relapse every month at PMS time. I remember the physical pain and not to mention the emotional roller coaster… Man that was the shits… so I’m keepin’ em’ no matter how fluffy I get. You know right now my weight issues are just not a major crisis. I’m not trying to attract a man to me. Though I really don’t have an issue with that anyway. I have always been able to attract them, it’s making em’ want to stay that I have had problems with. LOL … Really if a man isn’t attracted to me because I’m a big girl well he needs to be looking elsewhere anyway cause I’m just me… big, little… blonde, bald, makeup… bare faced… The one that’s meant for me will be attracted to me regardless. But Of course, I FEEL better when I am comfortable in my body. I feel better when I know I am caring for my body… but it’s not that emotional torment of having to look good to impress somebody it’s more of I want to be healthy. I want to be balanced; Spiritually… mentally… emotionally and physically… they are all connected together. When one is off track the others are effected. That’s just the facts… for me anyway. I really having to struggle to write this… and I’ll tell you why… Cause I’m exhausted! I never did get that nap today. Sarah and I went to lunch then went shopping. I then took her home and it was about 5 when I got here. Since the speaker meeting started at 8… I knew I had better not take a nap cause really I’m not a nap taker… when I fall out… I’m usually out for a while. But I did get me some freshen uppers at the store… body powder, new foundation, new deodorant, etc…Got me some of my favorite body soap. Irish Spring. I just love the smell of that soap. I am so into clean smells. You can spray perfume to try to cover up the smell of ass and it just smells like perfumed ass to me. I would much rather have the aromas of clean on me. I use to be all into the expensive body washes and oils, moisturizers and stuff… and still I like them but Irish Spring bar soap I have to keep in the tub at all times. And toothpaste is important. It has to be “Total” … or “Complete” and I’ll tell you why… Cause my dentist told me so! And I’ll tell you why… is my new catch phrase and I’ll tell you where I got it… Sarah’s grandfather goes to meetings and he says that about every other sentence… I think it’s cute the way he says it but I’m getting on my nerves right now about using it so much… Coming from an old man with lots of wisdom and experience it is cute … my dad always uses that phrase to… he has his hands flappin’ around and finger pointing as he tells you why… after he tells you he will tell you why… Enough of that! Shheesshh… Anyway! As I was getting ready to go to the speaker meeting. There was a knock on my door. Well, I’m in bra and panties and was blow drying my hair as meowster watched from the bed. I noticed her looking around all freaked out so I shut off the drier and heard the knocks myself. I peek through the peek a boo hole and I thought it was the little girl that takes out my trash. So I open the door just a crack to tell her I ain’t gonna pay no five bucks for you to carry one trash bag down the stairs! And it wasn’t her… to my surprise it was my old party buddy, Holly. I haven’t seen her in quite a while. Truthfully, she is a bit ‘OFF’ and I did not have the patience to entertain her. So I told her I was about to leave my house and now wasn’t a good time. She just stood there. So then I tell her I’m going to a meeting and maybe she would like to come with. So I’m trying to give her directions to the club and honestly I SUCK at giving directions. So, I told her to give me a sec and let me throw on my jeans and shirt and then she can follow me if she likes. Really I think it was a God thing. She did go to the speaker meeting with me and Tatum’s story engulfed her. She thanked me several times for inviting her. I think that’s pretty cool and I’ll tell you why… Holly may not be alcoholic but she has some mental issues. Sad to say… but when I saw her at the door I said to myself, FUCK! I don’t feel like listening to her shallow conversations. She talks about her latest boyfriend non-stop… Every time I see her… and I have never once seen her with a man. She is pretty hefty, close to 300 lbs. But like I say, it’s obvious she is slow minded. I think she is obsessed with making a man... any man... love her. And she takes so much abuse from them as she chases them. She has told me how she drives by thier homes countless times a day, she calls them even when it's clear they are ignoring her. In my opinion, she has this disease but its not drink or drugs... it's men. I feel like it was another one of those ‘coincidences’ that keep happening lately. I bet Holly could make better friends up there at AA meetings than she finds hanging out at those nightclubs that she frequents even now. I guess I’m out… I don’t wanna sleep! But I’m miserably tired. Okay... Buh Bye NOW |
| This morning I was able to help out a lady about my age. She is from Dallas and is here in town with her mother who is very sick. Her mother is in need of Ensure nutritional drinks and the daughter had just about spent everything she had and was now turning to the community for help. It’s frustrating at times for me. I went down the list of our agencies for her to call. I gave her the numbers and names yesterday and as I always tell the people I talk to, if you need further assistance DO call me back This morning I got call from the Dallas daughter again… the agencies I referred her to could not help. I then got her the phone number to a church I use to attend; one that I know has a food ministry. After we hung up, I went searching through the warehouse and to my surprise there were three six packs of Ensure and two six packs of Boost in our salvage. The dates on the product still good! So I called her back and told her that she could come up before 1PM today and get what we have here. She thanked me none stop… and said ‘God bless you’ even more so. It’s a great feeling to be a part of a solution. She told me how she had dialed numbers endlessly and each time was turned down. Times like this make me glad to be in the position that I am. I can make a difference sometimes. Usually we wouldn’t have had Ensure… it’s rare that we do and even rarer that it wasn’t out of date. I couldn’t sleep last night. I tossed and turned. Got up … laid down… smoked, read, wrote… tossed and turned some more. Today I am sleepy!  My group has been scheduled for tomorrow morning at my place. Sarah and I are going to lunch and then I am driving her home 20 miles away and I am going home to nap. Tonight Tatum is speaking at my home group. Tatum was in rehab with me and he has held on to the same dry date. If he wasn’t married I would be all about him. He is a really cool guy and I love his story. I’m ready to go home! Two more hours! |
| Sheree was awesome! Just Wow… I feel like I left that club high from listening to her. She is so cute. She has the most adorable personality and she is living proof of how this program saves lives. I learned much more about her tonight. I am so my sponsors sponsee too… God knew what he was doing when He crossed our paths in recovery. Her story is like a repeat of mine. Only the characters and some of the scenes are different. Or rather my story is a replica of hers… Since she is older. When my friends would tell my brother that he looked like me. He would say… Uh… no she looks like me, I’m older! I am so glad I went to hear her speak tonight. She was so nervous at first. I was nervous for her. She kept telling me that she doesn’t do well speaking and I can just go if I get tired or bored. What? I told her I wouldn’t miss this for the world. I have not heard her speak publicly before and it was magical. I kid you not… She tricked me when she said she doesn’t speak well. Chances are it was God speaking through her. She is all about God. Though her God may be somewhat different than mine, there is no doubt she knows Him. And He knows her. She said tonight… Coincidence is just a long way to spell God. I thought that was cool. She talked about her drug of choice was pot. She carried her little pinch hitter with her every where she went! My jaw hit the floor! I did not know this… hell so did I! She talked about her bottom. She has always told me to write the story of when I hit my bottom and I didn’t know exactly which one it was cause you know I have bounced up and down, high and low for a very long time… most of my life. I guess I assumed that my bottom would be when I got sober FOR REAL and I was thinking I hadn’t reached it yet. But after hearing her speak tonight, she told when she hit her bottom and though she didn’t sober up that day and though she didn’t even offer a prayer to God that day… that is her bottom and it stays in the foremost of her mind. I realized tonight what day was my bottom. It wasn’t the day I checked into rehab. It wasn’t even the day I spent over $800 of my rent and car payment on cocaine. It wasn’t even the day that I got pulled over by a Sheriff and taken to the police station for DWI only to learn the electricity in the one wall that the breathalyzer was plugged into was out… and by the time it came back on… I was legally sober and the officer took me back to my car. That was my first OBVIOUS answered prayer, but it wasn’t my bottom. Nor was it the time I punched out my neighbors window because my drugs where locked inside his apartment and awoke hours later covered in blood and cops beating down my door. It wasn’t even the time I drug a dumpster 4 blocks with my old Oldsmobile only because the guy I was dating jumped out of the way… and thus the dumpster caved in the passenger side door. It wasn’t even when I found myself stranded in Rhinelander, Wisconsin. A man I met in a Christian Singles site helped me sell all my stuff and spend all my savings to get us to his home 2, 000 miles away and then left me stranded in a strange land that was almost as cold as he was. It wasn’t those days spent calling Shafter fifty times demanding he have me some speed to smoke when I get home on my lunch break because I couldn’t keep my eyes open to do my job. It wasn’t even that night that the drug task force busted down my connects front door and only because Shafter and I played it off that I was his old lady picking him up from his drillers house did we walk away without a drug charge. We played stupid and didn’t know a thing about the dope that was in the back of the house. Miraculously and nothing less than… we walked out that night without being handcuffed and taken to jail. It wasn’t the day Robby kicked down my door with a butcher knife in his hand. One he had taken from my neighbors kitchen after telling him that I was a dead bitch. Nor was it the night that I punched Bobby in his stomach, keyed his truck and almost kicked his little dog. It wasn’t even the day that I showed up to work at 9AM with a bottle of orange juice and vodka in hand… after drinking and smoking crack for two days. And you know my bottom wasn’t even the day that I took my sponsee out and let her spend $400 on crack/cocaine knowing full well that I can’t choose the consequences that we will suffer. And knowing that anything could go wrong…Having a head full of recovery and a heart full of God… I went against everything I believe in and failed not only myself but also someone that I had been gifted to help. Not only at being a sponsor but most of all I failed at being her friend. All of these situations brought me closer to my bottom… some reminded me of my bottom… but today I recognized what day I hit rock bottom. The day I couldn’t keep going like I was but didn’t know how I was going to change. The day I wrestled with God and I lost. I’ll write about my bottom soon. Right now, I’m going to bed. I wish some of you could have heard Sheree tonight. She was great… absolutely awesome.  I have spent nights with matches and knives leaning over ledges only two flights up cutting my heart, burning my soul nothing left to hold nothing left but blood and fire. You have spent nights thinking of me missing my arms but you needed to leave leaving my cuts, leaving my burns hoping I'd learn. But blood and fire are too much for these restless arms to hold and my nights of desire they're calling me back to your fold and I am calling you, calling you from 10,000 miles away won't you whet my fire with your love babe. I am looking for someone who can take as much as I give and give back as much as I need you know and they still have the will to live - ah no cause I am intense, I am in need I am in pain, I am in love and I feel forsaken you know like the things I gave away. And blood and fire are too much for these restless arms to hold and my nights of desire they're calling me back to your fold and I am calling you, calling you from 10,000 miles away won't you whet my fire with your love babe. I am intense, I am in need, I am in pain, I am in love you know I am intense, I am in need, I am in pain, I am in love I am intense, I am in need, I am in pain, I am in love and blood and fire are too much for these restless arms to hold and my nights of desire they're calling me back to your fold and I am calling you, calling you from 10,000 miles away won't you whet my fire with your love babe won't you whet my fire with your love babe now whet my fire with your love ~Indigo Girls, words and music by Amy Ray. |
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