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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
| I lied. I had full intentions of going for a walk. I put on my tennis shoes… I pulled my hair up in a pony. I needed to go by my mother’s house to pick up some things. While I was there I scanned a few more pics. I am now addicted to scanning pics by the way. I stopped over at “Bush’s” to get me a dose of my sweet tea that I am addicted to as well. I noticed my driving was not that good. I was swerving between the lines. Damn girl… what’s up with you…? I am stumbling over my own feet, wobbling back and forth as I walk. Yep… OverKill on the pain meds doc gave me. I have a headache; a whiny voice… which is not my usual tone… and my eyes are but half way open, puffy and heavy. It’s HOT! Hot! HOT! Hot! But I did look at the sky… and notice the trees… and the sun did feel good for the minute I was in it. I didn’t go to the duck pond. No… I came straight home after mom’s house. I had remembered that I left Meow out on the balcony in her little bed, which is really just a cardboard box. She loves her little box and I have her potty room out there too… which is way cool cause at least I don’t have to smell her poo. She knows it’s out there and cries when she needs out. So now I’m thinking… I have had no coffee! This could be the problem. So a pot is brewing… as we speak. I slept until NOON today… YES! I woke up for a few minutes, checked my email… cause I am addicted to WDC, if you did not know that already. Then I went back to bed and slept and slept and slept. It was a peaceful sleep. So I know it’s not lack of sleep… My mother says I’m sleeping TOO much… maybe so… but she isn’t aware of the fact that I took pain medicine in two days that should have lasted me a week. Yeah… I knew it would happen. REMEMBER? I’m learning myself… but that doesn’t change a damn thing… I want what I want and I want it now. If I felt a little tiny throb, inkling of pain… Uhh… Need another Pill! And now the pills are all gone and I’m stuck like chuck… but hey! This is a good thing. I need to get that crap out of my system so I can function like normally… instead of feeling like a zombie. I do believe that this afternoon when it begins to get cooler outside, I will go for that walk. |
| I got so close to relapse this morning as I wrote about the past. I was so close… I looked up at my angel calendar and it said – when you are in trouble, pray. Sometimes it’s hard for me to pray. Sometimes I need something tangible to hold on to. I know for a fact that God is alive, I see his hands all over situations in my life. It’s just so easy to say … well, maybe I’m just wanting to believe it’s him and maybe it’s just me grasping at nothing. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking… maybe I’m just weak and have nothing else to hold onto. I’m in a lot of pain right now. I can’t sleep. I tried… I tossed and turned… I got hot, then I got cold. I don’t want to watch TV … I don’t want to listen to music. I ate up all my painkillers in the last two days… I am such a fucking addict… and now I feel it and I have nothing to take it away… I want to just get out and go somewhere… but I’m exhausted… I’m crying and I don’t know why. Maybe I don’t have to know why… I sure have been crying a lot here lately for a girl that never cries. What is up with that? I’m giving myself a headache… cant’ breath through my snot stuffed nose… I’ve smoked almost three packs of cigarettes today. I’ve listened to the same song over and over and over and over… I haven’t even brushed my hair today. At least I washed my ass… but it’s like I don’t have the energy or the care to blow dry… get dressed… I just throw on something and sit my ass back down in front of this screen. I got so close this morning. Had it not been for the valium I may have gone back out… the thought of just a little bottle of whisky … then I thought… Who am I gonna drink with? All my drinking buddies are DEAD. I have a moment that I haven’t had in a long time. I just feel forgotten. I don’t know… I’m just weak right now… everything will be ok in the morning… practice what your preach… |
Debi Wharton   pointed out to me that today, September 7th is/was Shafter’s birthday. She saw it on his obituary. I did not realize this when I wrote what I did early this morning about our memories. WHAT A TRIP! He would have been 44 years old today. Coincidence? Those that know me… know how I feel about coincidences. I didn’t spend too many birthdays with Shafter. I do remember his 42nd birthday, two years ago. I got him a CD of Alan Jackson, which had the song “Blues Man” on it, one of his favorites. Shafter was a huge fan of Allen Jackson and was told he resembled him in his younger days. I had to order that CD because our local music shops didn’t have any in stock, for whatever reason. It’s been a lazy day for me. My mom thinks I’m depressed. She called today and said she is concerned about how much I am sleeping lately. Even before the operation, I have been sleeping a lot. I haven’t felt right for a while now. I’m not real sure what the problem is or if there is one. I don’t answer phone calls, I haven’t been outside my front door but only if necessary. I don’t know… But I have had some fun playing here on WDC and reading about your lives. Though, I think it’s time I got back involved in mine. I’m going to get out tomorrow and do something… anything… Now I just got stuck in a lifetime movie… I will prolly crash soon. Thanks to those who cared enough to drop me a line regarding the operation and Shafter’s story. I appreciate the support you offer from all over the world.  |
| I met Shafter when I was 18 years old, twelve years ago. I worked as a clerk at an Exxon fuel station that he frequented often. He drove a white Corsica at that time. I remember how my heart would race every time I saw his car pull into the parking lot. He caught my eye because of his ‘one of a kind’ walk and talk. He was a unique man. He is to me a kindred soul. I recognized it right away. I knew from the first day that I met him that he would mean something to me. I knew I would love him. He would stop in the store at least three times during my shift. He would buy a tall boy of the cheapest beer we had, usually ‘Keystone’. We were both married at this time. I went to beauty school with his wife. I didn’t know who his wife was… but later learned when I saw him at the school picking her up one afternoon. I was jealous of her and had decided I didn’t like her even though I didn’t know her. He later would meet my husband. They did not become friends, but did do business together at one time. Shafter was a mechanic and he did work on our vehicles. I paid him with a six pack of beer. This is what he billed me. Sing a song sweet music man 'Cause I won't be there to hold your hand like I used to I'm through with you You're a heck of a singer and powerful man But you surround yourself with people Who demand so little of you I eventually moved on from Exxon and we lost touch with each other. Five years later, and after my divorce I was again working part-time at the same store. Though Shafter no longer lived in the area one day he divinely stopped in. Both of us were in shock to see the other. He said to me… “ I stopped coming to this store when you stopped working here years ago. Today, something told me to stop by.” And I believed him. I knew we were connected some how. It was pouring down rain and he was fighting with his wife. He was drunk and needed a place to go rest. My shift had just started; it would be eight hours before I would be free. So I gave him the key to my place. He went there and slept. At this time, I was so in love with Shafter. I would have done anything he asked for me to do. And I did. I gave him money. I gave him a place to stay. I gave him all of me. I cried and couldn’t stop crying when he would leave me and go back to her. He told me it was over with them but he had to go back for this or that. He was all I could think about. I was so in love with him that I would clam up every time he came around. I felt so shy… I could hardly speak when he was around. I would just sit in awe of him. I thought he hung the moon and the stars…at that time, in my world… he did. You touched my soul with your beautiful song You even had me singin' along right with you You said I need you Then you changed the words and added harmony Then you sang the song you had written for me to someone new He would come back to me every time they would fight, which was often. He even stopped by a few times when things were fine with them, just to check up on me but when he left my heart would break all over again. I finally came to realize that his first choice was her. I was merely a backup plan, just insurance. I had met someone else between his visits to me. Though, this man did not mean as much to me as Shafter did… then or now. I decided that I was done, had enough of the emotional torture of loving a man who was in love with someone else. I left town with Charlie, leaving no forwarding address and without saying good-bye. Oh, but nobody sings a love song quite like you do Oh, and nobody else can make me sing along Nobody else can make me feel things are right When I know they're wrong Nobody sings a love song quite like you Two years later, I was in my car sitting at a red light. A man in the lane next to me sitting in a red jeep Cherokee kept waving and pointing for me to pull over. I tried to ignore him. It is common for me to get stares or flirts from male drivers as I travel so I figured this was another desperate male driver trying to find him a lady. I kept my focus on the light impatiently waiting for it to turn green. He kept honking and rolled the back window of his jeep down. I saw his face and realized it was Shafter. He pointed for me to pull over and I did. Shafter came back into my life again. This time things had changed. I was hardened. He was divorced and all ties had been cut with his wife. I was single, full blown in my own addiction and damn determined this man would never hurt me again. He was remorseful and guilt ridden for the pain he had unintentionally put me through. He really never meant to hurt me. He was just hurting himself and hurting people hurt people. I knew this and I told him I had forgiven him for the past, but my feelings for him would never be the same. And they never were. Though I still loved him and I believed we were destined to be a part of each other’s life. I treated him in ways that I am ashamed to recall, let alone admit. Shafter kept coming back every time I would tell him to kiss my ass. I would get drunk and use him as a proverbial punching bag. I did everything possible to push him out of my life but he just kept coming back. Shafter has a forgiving heart. A generous nature, he had obviously spent many of nights wishing he had done me different in the past and he was determined to prove it to me now. I took it for what it was worth and offered little in return. Though my love for him was still there… it was buried under layers of unforgivness and hurt. Sing your song sweet music man Travel the world with a six piece band That does for you what you tell 'em to And you try to stay young but the songs are sung To so many people who've all begun came back on you Shafter loved music. I call him my ‘ Sweet Music Man’ ~ my favorite version sung by Dolly Parton, a song I asked him to listen to because to me, it was his song.. He would always come over with a new CD for me, A new song he wanted me to hear. There’s a song by Van Zant titled ‘Help somebody if you can’. Shafter said that song made him think of me every time he heard it. He spoke of this line particular: Now Granny said sonny ~ stick to your gun if you believe in something no matter what cause it's better to be hated for who you are Than loved for someone you're not. She was 5 feet of concrete ~ New York born and raised on a slick city street. She'll cold stare you down, and stand her ground I was always preaching at him about something. Trying to fix him right up… I talked to him a lot about God and it’s no wonder that this song brought me to his mind. We both have a love for music and we would talk for hours about songs. He loved to drive, drink a beer and listen to music. I would go with him at times and we would drive out on the country roads. One day we pulled over on a desolate road…  and uh… well you know.  His cell phone ended up falling off his blue jeans; we didn’t realize it till we were back home. So we had to go back and spent HOURS searching for that phone. We did finally find it. Sing your song sad music man Makin' your living doing one-night stands They're through with you They don't need you Shafter worked in the oilfield and made good money. He eventually transferred to Colorado to work. They had offered some great pay and he just couldn’t turn it down. I planned on going to Colorado with Shafter. I had just been fired from my job at that time. I remember we had a bottle of Crown Royal and I was drunk and violently crying. I was so lost in my pain. Shafter held me and wouldn’t let go. I tried to push him away… but he just held me tight as I bawled like a little girl. My life wasn’t what I wanted it to be and I did not know how or where to begin to make a difference. I changed my mind and decided to not go with him at the last minute. I had run once before thinking I could leave my pain behind so I knew that it wasn’t going to fix anything. I decided to stay here and face my demons on my own. He did call me every day and sent money to me every week. When he came back to Odessa for holidays or just visits, he came home to me. Though we had agreed that we were going to see other people. We were more friends than we were anything. I accepted Shafter for who he was. I knew he was sick with addiction. He knew that I was following in his footsteps. He often introduced me as his “future ex wife” just for jokes. He told me about a lady in Colorado that he had been seeing. I told him about Bobby… someone I had just met and was getting involved with. I soon developed feelings for Bobby and I told Shafter that he wasn’t going to be able to stay at my home anymore. I didn’t think it proper because I was getting seriously involved with Bobby. And Shafter agreed. He met Bobby and he felt that Bobby was a good guy. He told me he was happy for me and told me not to screw this up! LOL … I didn’t listen, obviously! Shafter’s job in Colorado was done and he eventually returned back to Odessa to settle again. You're still a heck of a singer but a broken man But you'll keep on lookin' for one last fan to sing to Oh, and nobody sings a love song quite like you do Oh, and nobody else can make me sing along I introduced Shafter to my girlfriend, Billie Jo. I felt they would make a cute couple and would be a benefit to each other. Beejay was lonely, raising her two boys on her own… and Shafter had much love to give. They did hit it off and were together for the last year of Shafter’s life. I wasn’t apart of his last year. Beejay was insecure with the type of relationship she knew Shafter and I had for many years. She wanted me no where around him. She and I had a blow out and I stopped all contact with him and her. I only know that they were still involved because her name is on his obituary. I still have not spoken to her. I honestly have no intentions of doing so. I’m still angry. I have so many pictures of Shafter. He and I have many memories together. I could not possibly write them all on this screen. The picture I have posted is the last picture I took of him. It’s Easter Sunday 2006, we are BBQing outside of my apartments. And nobody else can make me feel things are right When they're wrong with a song Nobody sings a love song quite like you The last time I saw Shafter. He stopped by my apartment July 2006. This was after I had cut all communication with him and her. He told me he was cleaning up. He said he was tired of the party lifestyle and he was getting his life together. He told me he was in love with Beejay. I was still very upset about the situation with her. I was angry and told him some hateful words regarding Beejay and her vindictive and jealous ways. Though I did express my joy to see him happy. He told me that no matter what she says, we would always be friends. He said he would always love me. I remember just rolling my eyes… blowing his words off… I was mad and I couldn’t let it go. I walked him to the front door, hugged him, and kissed his cheek. I watched him walk down the stairs from my apartment door, halfway down… he turned back, pointed at me and said, “I’ll always love you.” I don’t know if I said it back to him or not. I don’t remember… I’m saying it now. “ Shafter… I will always love you. You were a friend to me. You loved me. Your life touched mine in so many ways. I know that you’re in a much better place now. You’re not sad anymore. You’re not broken anymore. God himself is drying your tears now. Thank you for the joy your brought to my life. Thank you for the heart aches too. Forgive me Shafter for what I said and did that hurt you. And Hey! I’ll see you around the bend!” Sing your song sweet music man I believe in you ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Shafter died of a drug and alcohol overdose. His body was found in the back seat of his Jeep Cherokee, July 2007 http://www.oaoa.com/articles/cosper_4901___article.html/odessa_shafter.html ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| My ears are ringing… sucks. My eyes are puffy… sucks too. My nose is clogged… sucks the most. I have been sleeping all day. I just woke up … Where is everybody? The world has passed me by! I mean like ALL DAY I have slept… I’m not in any pain… surprises me somewhat, I figured I would feel SOMETHING. Then again, I’m pretty tough… maybe there is some pain and I’m just not focused on it. And well my little friends… are helping I would say… lot’s of little pills… Most of all I’m FIGGIN tired! I want to write and I can’t decide what I want to write! I’m standing at a crossroad. I have things in mind to write about… I must decide which one first… all will be draining. Which way should I go? I just don’t know! |
| I don't buy the lines in magazines That tell me what I've gotta be Don't base my life on a movie screen Don't fit the mold society has planned The procedure has been completed. I’m home and doing well. I’m a bit downhearted right now, but the operation was successful. There were no difficulties. As the nurse escorted me from my room and down the aisle back to the land of living. I heard the doctor speaking into his little tape recorder saying, operation successful… no complications. He said much more than that but these words I held on to. There are tears falling from my eyes as I write this. I really don’t know why. I’m not in any pain right now. I am still somewhat sedated. I was crying when I left the clinic. I have been sobbing most of this day. My mother waited in the lobby. It took a little over an hour. I was weeping when I met up with her; when she saw me, her facial expression was one of terror. She thought something bad had happened. Everything is good I told her… just get me out of here and hurry. I wasn’t in pain… I was scared, I guess. I really don’t know. I don't need to be 19-years-old Or starve myself for some weight I'm told Or turn men's heads, been down that road And I thank God I finally know ~ just who I am The nurse prepped me for the doctor. She told me what to expect. She put a cold pack under my butt to ground me, her words…  She explained that because electricity will be used this was necessary. Imagine what was going through my head at about this time… Not a warm fuzzy feeling, I can assure you. She said there would be a fragrance of like burnt BBQ… Her words again… that would be the fragrance of a piece of my internal organ being scorched and singed off of its natural habitat. She flipped on this vacuum cleaner looking thing and said this would be used during the procedure as well. Explaining that it will clean out the blood and damaged tissue. Of course all of this came after I wrote a check for $433.49. This is AFTER my insurance has paid 80%. They had me stop by the clerk’s window first thing. Image that? I was given a pregnancy test, a blood test, and a blood pressure test… Then the assholes put me on the blasted weight scales. And of course I had to sign all my rights away… release papers… If something goes wrong like if my baby making organs all fall out or if I die from this procedure… I will not hold the doctor or organization responsible. Let’s hope for the latter… if one must happen since it was either sign the paper or walk out of the clinic with my bad cervix. Honestly, I don’t even know what I signed… I was already sedated at this point. Let’s do this and get me gone was my minds main agenda. I ain't a movie star They never see the view from where they are And this old town may be as far as I'm goin' What he'll hold tonight in his hands He swears is so much better than Anything this old world can show him The nurse puts my legs in the stirrups and covers me with a paper blanket… this is right after I am given but another dose of sedation. She tells me she is going to get the doctor and will return shortly. Shortly she does return but says the doctor is busy with an x ray something or other and she takes my legs out of the stirrups and let’s me lay flat. She turns out the light and says she will return when the doctor is ready and will put me back in the position required for the procedure. I’m not real blissful during this waiting period. There is soft classical music playing and the room is dim. The last batch of sedation is beginning to kick in and I find my body relaxing though my mind is clear and fully aware of what is to come. The burnt BBQ smell… Kind of got to me a bit. I suggest she find a better description to offer future patients. Though I did not tell her this. I don’t know that I’ll ever again be able to enjoy a Sunday BBQ without getting flashbacks. I am thankful that I did have this waiting period. I wasn’t capable of whispering a verbal prayer at this time. Sometimes all we can do is mummer a jumbled plea for His presence and just KNOW that the safest place in the world to be is in God’s hands. Just calling out His name during a passing thought is a prayer that He recognizes. At this time… that’s all I could do. I work 9-5 and I can't relate To millionaires who somehow fate Has smiled upon and fortune made their Common lives a better place to be The doctor and nurse enter the room again. She puts my legs back into the stirrups and reclines this chair I am in. I never saw the doctor’s face. He did say hello to me, calling me by my first name. He asked how things were up at the food bank. He then said something else but I could not understand him and I offered no response. He spoke during the entire procedure. He told me what he was doing during all of it. I lifted my head at one point, looked over to see what was gong on. I saw him and the nurse with their facemasks on and all these metal instruments lying on a table. At the time I looked the nurse was handing the doc this big metal looking spatula thing and I quickly laid my head down and squeezed my eyes shut. Obviously that was the instrument to open up my Lou Lou for doctor to have access to my insides. The nurse soon came and stood at the side of my bed, she held my hand and told me I would feel some pressure, the doctor was injecting the ‘stuff’ to deaden my cervix. Pressure? She said Pressure. This is the only time during the operation that I felt anything and it was Excruciating Pain! Pressure my ass! My body convulsed… and tears drenched my face…ran down into my ears. I tried to stop them but they just kept coming, even so now, I am emotionally sorrowful. That misery lasted maybe 2 or 3 minutes…maybe less… I white knuckled the armrest of my bed chair. Until finally my physical sensations were numbed… almost like my emotional sentiments in days gone even now sometimes Doctor kept asking if I felt this or felt that… I felt nothing… oblivion. And I no longer justify Reasons for the way that I behave I offer no apologies For the things that I believe and say And I like it that way Nurse was right… the room filled with the aroma of burnt… BBQ wasn’t my first thought… more like burning flesh… I saw the smoke rising from down below… doc asked if I felt any burning… I told him no. I feel nothing…nullity. I heard the sound of the vacuum click on and felt and heard the suction. Doctor said, “Procedure is complete”… in an alleviating tone of voice. Removed his instruments allowing my body to return to its natural disposition. Told me I did well throughout the operation and said he would have the results in two weeks. And He was gone… out the door… on to the next patient awaiting his expertise. Nurse gives me a tissue for my tears and a Kotex to wear home. I’m embarrassed because I’m crying. It’s one of those can’t make yourself stop… cries… It was just so uncomfortable but mostly humiliating. I don’t like being in such a vulnerable position. Though the doctor and nurse see this as a job… I know it’s something they do several times a day, I still felt degraded. Even though they were both kind and hospitable… I felt pathetic. I am glad that it is done and over. I know everyone said it was no big deal. I know many women have endured this type of thing. I understand I’m not the ONLY one … it DID NOT help me one bit to be told… this is no big deal by someone who claims to know what they are talking about. Sure… now that it’s done and over… they were right… it wasn’t near as bad as I had it built in my mind that it was going to be… I’m damn glad that it’s over. I am an emotional mess right now. I don’t like feeling this way. I wanna tell somebody to KISS MY ASS… I want to be MEAN! I want to get HIGH! But I’m not going too… I’m going to live life on life’s terms and let these feelings pass… be the woman that I know I am… a good hearted, hot-blooded, real live woman. Cause I'm a real live woman In love with this man I see lyin' here next to me Lost in the way that he's holdin' This real live woman In the arms of a man where I'll fall asleep knowin' there's Nothin' on earth he loves more than This real live woman ~ Sung by Trisha Yearwood ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock. - Thomas Jefferson ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| My mother is late... Here I am waiting, drinking my Starbuck Frappuccino Mocha flavor, a lowfat creamy blend of Starbucks coffee and milk. *Ahem* Oh where oh where could my mother be? Knock on the door gotta go! I feel the pills! Woooooo... foggy head Gotta GO BYE |
Hey did you notice my strand of DNA on the pic of Meow  ROFL! I'm busted now!I'm about to go shower and get squeky clean so I can spread eagle for all these strangers! I'm really happy to be getting this over with. My mother is coming to get me and then she will be me back home. I hope every one has a beautiful day! My cat is so ANNOYING here lately. She is loving on me none stop! I'll see you soon~ |
| I started to trip a bit earlier. I think that Valium made things worse for me! Made me sick. Prolly was cause I didn’t eat much before I took it. I fixed myself breakfast for dinner. I’m better! I have found that if I start thinking about what that doctor is going to do… I start trippin’… So I just don’t think about it, and I’m good! Actually, I ain’t gonna feel a thing. I’m going to be out like a scout. Well… I won’t be asleep but I’ll have no feeling. I Hope! I can be quite dramatic at times. I appear calm on the surface. You guys know the truth cause you read my deep thoughts that most people in real life don’t know about me. Mostly because no one takes the time…most people are interested in themselves and unless you’re interested in THEM then they just don’t have much interest to offer you. Make sense? You ever watch a duck, as it appears to float peacefully across the water? If you could see under the surface of the water, you would see those little duck legs going ninety to nothing… This is how it is with me, sometimes. I’m getting better as the days go by. I got another letter from Randy today. He says he is worried because he hasn’t heard from me sense I had the surgery. He doesn’t know that it was postponed. He says he will be getting out any day now. He wants a drug free lifestyle and he is just all about God in his letters. I really don’t know how to handle this situation. I may drop him a line and just let him know I’m ok… I don’t know what else to say? I’m sorry he’s in jail. I know that he needs a friend more now then he ever did. It’s shitty for me to turn away from him now… the truth is… if he was out of jail… He wouldn’t be here with me. Because he wanted to be with her and her and the other one over there… and then come over here and be with me… that just ain’t going to work with me. I don’t want something that AJAX ain’t gonna wash off. I don’t need or deserve that. Maybe I should tell him this instead of you. You didn’t want commitment? I never committed to write either. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Sickie’s are attracted to Sickie’s…. I don’t want to be a sickie anymore. I gave my gift to him. I visited him on his birthday, July 10th, which is the same as my dad’s… only reason I really remember it. I feel bad cause he keeps writing and he is just all about the LORD now! Halliejah! Glory to GOD! Where was your God when you brought boxes of wine to my desk…? Knowing I was TRYING to stay sober. And then pouting like a baby when I turned it down. Where was this GOD when I invited him to meetings and he turned me down to go smoke crack somewhere? I imagine his God was right where he is this very minute but RANDY wasn’t paying him no mind. He is a great guy now that he doesn’t have his freedom. He keeps harping over never meaning to hurt me… with hand drawn sad faces, asking forgiveness for anything he ever did. That’s cool. Forgiveness granted… I did some things wrong too… a lot of things… but It’s over now. Let’s pick up our beds and walk! I say this now … that he is out of mind and out of sight. Am I going to be this firm when he is in front of me? I guess time will tell. ** I have heartburn. An Angel Says ~ Live one day at a time, Let yesterday go and leave tomorrow until it arrives. I was overwhelmed earlier. I had to run all kinds of errands. Pay rent. Sign lease. Pay car payment. Pick up meds. Get some more IB’s. Go to store. Go to other store. Get to the bank. Get a Money order. I have taken OVER 50 - 200mg of Advil at the direction of my doctor! What tha? Then I read on one of the prescriptions to do not take ADVIL with this medicine.  I’m just going to believe that Doc knows what he is doing… been there… done this before. He is supposed to be one of the best in town. I have heard a lot of good things about him. And he is very nice…he isn’t from around here… he is from the Middle East somewhere…I catch myself saying, huh? a million times cause I can’t understand him… but he is friendly and considerate. Seems to know what he is doing. Got laundry done. Scrubbed the bathtub. Vacuum again cause I threw carpet fresh everywhere. Meow thought it was the flea powder and ran for her life! False alarm! She will never forget the flea powder and it’s been YEARS since she has had a flea and I had to powder her up. She has a good memory. I’m glad she can’t talk! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Meow is sleeping in the exact spot as I write this… as in the pic. Well, I’ve written a lot and not really said I thing! I guess I’m out … Thanks for all the prayers sent my way… Much appreciated. Sarah called earlier and she said… “Jen, You done gave this over to God… You takin’ it back from Him now?” … She had a very strong point there. Helped me chill too. 8:30AM Central time… Think about this Texas Party girl would ya?  I may get online if I wake up in time in the morning… If not… I’ll see you around the bend!Loving you till the very end… |
| The medicine they gave me: Ketorolac is only intended for short-term (up to 5 days) treatment of moderately severe pain. It should not be used to treat minor or long-term pain. Ketorolac is an NSAID. It reduces inflammation by preventing certain chemicals (prostaglandins) from being produced by the injured tissue. Oh shit! I just read all the DO NOT Do’s with this medicine and my doctor has told me to take what they say don’t take! Well if I show up dead tomorrow… We know why KAY? Who are they anyway? They is always telling somebody something and no one really ever knows who THEY is… Somebody that posted some info on a website. It could be anybody! I guess my doctor knows what he’s talking about right? Tell me it’s SO! I have no worries. Another Oh Shit! I see that I can expect moderately SEVERE Pain! I’m a big wuss and this skeer’s me.  Diazepam is used for: The management of anxiety. It may also be used to treat agitation, shakiness, and hallucinations during alcohol withdrawal and to relieve certain types of muscle pain and other disorders as determined by your doctor. Diazepam is a benzodiazepine. It works by slowing down the movement of chemicals in the brain. This results in a reduction in nervous tension (anxiety) and also causes sedation. I am feeling the Diazepam already. Yep! I was ok most of the day and then three different co-workers at three different times came up and wanted to talk about the operation. So I’m telling him what it is and blah blah… and all three of them…freak out… Oh girl… do the bluuuggg sound and pat me on the shoulder… Like I’m fixing to have major heart surgery or soemthing. And it freaked me out! My heart started racing… kept gasping for air… it was like I was jonsing for a high or something… Anxiety. I guess is what it’s called and THEN the nurse calls me and tells me the insurance never paid for last visit, well they did pay $26.oo… That was nice of them  so now I got to pay $443.99 when I go in tomorrow. I been wigged since after lunch. I was cool till then but then it all hit me. I got to go sign a lease for my apartments, got to pay the rent. Got to make a car payment… got to get to the store and then to the dollar store for cleaning supplies … did it all… and now I’m home, but I want to scrub the bathtub and bleach it just in case I wanna take a bath I don’t have to worry about soap scum sticking to my butt cheeks. I am having a LEEP CONE BIOSPY … for those that don’t know. Doc says that a little piece of my Cervix is bad… like a little cone shaped piece… And he is going to snip it off! With a hot wire ! Oh Shit I got to stop it… they moved it up to 8:30 AM instead of at 9:45 in the morning Anyways, I will be back later… I got to move around and get some shit done around here. |
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