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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
Both my big fish are dead  Only one is alive and he is eating... but he is the little runt... That don't make no sense! if there is a disease in the tank, how is the little one still alive? |
| You guys GOT to check out this latest blog entry! Plus... I wanted to introduce a new blog buddy to you all! Go say hi, Would ya!
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There has been some issue’s hovering over me lately. Situations that I am just not sure how to respond too. I woke up early this morning and began reading from my little book again. I recommend the book I mentioned in previous entries to anyone that is struggling with spirituality. The fact is… we are all struggling with spirituality so I recommend it to ALL OF YOU…  So I woke up and read my little book, read online some, commented on my daily doses of you. Took a shower… a nice scorching shower… ate a little breakfast… read some more… and passed out for a nap. I had a dream… a dream that I think gave me the answer to one of my troubling indecisive situations. And it seems so silly to write it out and actually read it… you know how it is when you think something in your mind and then if you speak it out loud or write it out…. You are like, Gawd… The answer to that is SIMPLE! And maybe you don’t… but I get this way sometimes. I am a bit odd… So in my dream it was Timmy, but I knew it was really Randy… know what I mean? The image in my dream appeared to be Tim, but I knew on the inside of him that it was Randy?  Anyway… I wrote a short piece about Tim in my first poem posted here on WDC. Then came Mr. Tricky Tim Jumped on him ~ in a whim He stayed until the party ended I have to admit ~ it was splendid Always eager to remove my blouse Oh so easy to get aroused His love for me he couldn’t deny Until the lil’ cute blondie walked by So in my dream he had just got out of jail, was showing me his new jailhouse tats. We got our grove on … and after it was over… he used my phone to call some bitch to come and get him. I was so upset! Then he goes into telling me he never said he was staying around… and I kept screaming at him… I didn’t even get off! You bust a nut and don’t have the courtesy to get me off! Yeah… This is what I woke up saying in my sleep…  I’m sure there was more to it but that’s what I remember… I remember the hurt mostly. The hurt that he once again cared none about how his actions would effect me. Anyway, I haven’t blogged much about it… here and there I make some out of the blue statement… but it’s been heavy on my heart. Am I doing the right thing by turning away from Randy like I am in his time of need? I know I know… You people think I’m crazy and I AM… but I’m just a softie and I cared a lot for him at one time of my life. I’m the kind of gal that doesn’t fall easy but when I do… It’s all the way… and I fell for Randy. For whatever sick and twisted reasons… I fell for him… just as I did for Tim so many years ago. But I got my answer during this daylight-napping dream today… I will not be contacting Mr. Randy Kimble ever again. Not while he is in jail, and not after he gets out. That chapter has been written, it is complete. I can not explain how I got that confirmation through this dream. I can not even really remember most of it… only my lack of orgasm… is what sticks out in my mind the most… but however, whatever, whenever… I feel that God spoke! In terms I could understand… haha… The perv that I am… and told me that I’ll never be satisfied with what Randy has to offer. He will always take and take and never give back… and I can’t help him by enabling him anymore. I will only continue to hurt myself. So! I forced myself out of the apartment today! I threw on some clothes… I look like I’m in mourning with my black clothes from head to toe and my hair slicked back in a pony… dark sunshades covering my puffy dark circled eyes…no makeup… I did put on deodorant at least! I turned off the A/C in the car, rolled all the windows down… and got hot as hell! But I felt the sun and the wind blew across my cheeks and I felt alive! Much better than feeling dead I had to fight my sweet tea addiction! My mother said that all the sugar I been drinking and eating is most likely making me feel bad… I really have been overdoing it on the sweet tea… so that’s why she suggested I drink water and coffee (she knows I would have had a tit fit if she cancelled coffee) all weekend… to knock that sugar out of my system. My mom is a nurse and she is a health nut. She published a cookbook a while back and I’m still trying to help her sell them. I’m going to upload an image of it on here sometime, maybe later tonight! When I was a kid, her weight was up and down… all the time, but within the last five years she has lost over a 100 pounds and has kept it off, by eating the meals she has printed in the pages of her book. Yay! For the MOM! She rocks! Anyway… I went to Wal-Mart and I got a few things for the apartment, some coffee, tuna, chicken, horse shampoo and conditioner, eggs, coffee creamer (don’t tell mom) and some other bullshit… Anyway… To the POINT! I came home and I had Sarah on the brain. Sarah has lied to me and she talks all the time about how HONEST she is!  I’m MAD! But not like stomping pissed off… more like an undercurrent of disappointment. She called me last night… and I think she was high when she called. She sure sounded like it… and she was just real short and snappy with me… acts like I OWE her something… kept throwing up the fact that she ain’t got a ride to the fair, she ain’t got a ride home from work, all because I cancelled our plans… it just ruined her life… so she says… Guess what I did? I called her sponsor. Why? Because I wanted to know if Sarah was reaching out for recovery or not. I asked her when she called me yesterday if she had called her sponsor and she said YEP but she didn’t answer. Her sponsor told me Sarah has not called her in over three days. I told her sponsor about her relapse. I told her I didn’t know how to act towards Sarah. I asked Greta… What do I do? Greta told me that I need to be selfish. I am very vulnerable right now and I need to look out for myself. She said that if Sarah wanted recovery she would go to ANY LENGTH to get it… just as I have done and still am doing… just as we all have done. Sobriety doesn’t get handed to us… it’s something we work our ass off for… Sarah’s sponsor suggested that I pull away from her. She said Sarah is going to have to suffer the consequences… and I may even be hurting her by enabling her and shoveling sobriety down her throat. I repeated to her over 10 times to call her sponsor on Friday…she rolled her eyes at me almost every time. Greta suggested that I say nothing more to Sarah… but “ You are in my prayers.” She suggested I offer no other comments… not OMG you dumb ass… or OMG you poor thing… OR OMG come here and let’s talk about what ails you… she said… simply tell her, Your praying that Gods Will be done. And let her know that your standing up to your word. I told Sarah if she went back out, that I wouldn’t be a part of it… Greta tells me if I don’t stand by my word, it could hurt the situation even more so. So this is it… I think I got that issue resolved in my mind as well… Her recovery is her choice… just as my recovery is mine. I can’t keep her sober… By GOD… I would die trying if I thought it would work… but it won’t. If you are at war with yourself, you can bring little peace to your fellow man. |
| Well… I was gonna blog… Then I pull up the blog sheet and I got nothing! I’m staring at a blank screen and nothing is coming forth. Oh there’s some stuff in there… don’t doubt that… but it doesn’t want to come out just yet! I think all my fish are sick and dying. I’m on Chapter 7 of the book I started last night. I’m soaking it up… it’s really cool. I did reach out yesterday. I called my mom; told her I wasn’t in a good place. She knew already, She said she always know when something is wrong because I don’t call her or answer the phone  … the answering machine is clogged up again because of all the unheard messages… but I did answer it today when my mother called! Woot! I’m a little mad at Sarah. We PINKIE promised!  AND I told her straight up I wouldn’t be around if she went back out. So when I tell her all plans are cancelled for us this weekend, her first reaction…. “Who’s gonna give me a ride?” I ain’t no taxi. But I’m not sweating the small stuff… I’m just chillin here. My mother called and wants me to get a haircut!  NO. I like my hair! It’s kicking… really has grown since I been using the horse shampoo… I got to make a trip to the feed store this weekend. And I’m not cutting my hair! Maybe the bangs… but that’s it. Well, I’m gonna go read more of my book, I’ll prolly have it read before the days over… Happy Saturday! |
shanelle   told me to look up and recall the power of agreement prayer… and I did. She also told me to light a candle and bust a nutt… but uh…I’ll spare you the details on that one…  welkerdeb told me to get out and walk, pay close attention to the trees and sky… ride it out and keep working the steps… I will continue to do so. My mother told me to stop drinking so much sweet tea and eating all the junk I have been… She told me to drink a gallon of water each day this weekend… and I’m doing so. My sponsor told me to read a book, titled “Hinds’ Feet on High Places” by Hannah Hurnard… I just finished chapter one. I’m already feeling the difference. If the following chapters are anything compared to the first… I think my sponsor was right when she said I would experience a spiritual awakening. The book is NOT AA conference approved material… for those legalistic boring people that find little shit to nag about… Oh… that wasn’t nice was it!?… But … my sponsor knows where I stand in my faith and she thought this book would help me. Though, it is not connected with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm taking all suggestions to heart... I don't want to stay on my pity pot... I'm done with all this... I do believe things are looking up for me. * Paragraphs in Italics are copied directly from “Hinds Feet on High Places”… These are paragraphs, sentences, theories, ideas etc… that stuck out to me and impacted my mind in some way. As Christians we know, in theory at least, that in the life of a child of God there are no second causes, that even the most unjust and cruel things, as well as all seemingly pointless and undeserved sufferings, have been permitted by God as a glorious opportunity for us to react to them in such a way that our Lord and Savior is able to produce in us, little by little, his own lovely character. I have to ask myself… Self, Why are you so down in the dumps? Sure… my heart bleeds for the sorrow that is a part of every day life. Is it necessary to shut down and fall into a pit? Is this what God intends to happen? I think not… Life isn’t that bad for me. God talks to me everyday through something I read, someone I speak too, sometimes even directly into my heart of hearts. What more do I need? What could be better than that? It is quite true that the way up to the High Places is both difficult and dangerous, Said the Shepherd. It has to be, so that nothing, which is an enemy of Love, can make ascent and invade the Kingdom. I have a greater understanding of why sometimes life seems to have been so difficult for me… for us all… for that matter. It becomes more so when we start climbing upward. I see how it’s so easy to slip and fall… sometimes even crashing back down to the bottom… sometimes even breaking to pieces. BUT – It is true, said the Shepherd, that you would have to be changed before you could live on the High Places, but if you are WILLING to go with me, I promise to help you develop hinds’ feet. So the Shepherd told Much-Afraid that she would have to have the seed of love planted in her heart before she began her journey to the High Lands. Much-Afraid said: “I have been told that if you really love someone you give that loved one the power to hurt and pain you in a way nothing else can.” The Shepherd said, this is true, but it is happy to love even if you are not loved in return. So the Shepherd held his hand out and said: “Here is the seed of Love.” She bent forward to look, then gave a startled little cry and drew back. There was indeed a seed lying in the palm of his hand but it was shaped exactly like a long sharply pointed thorn. She had noticed the Shepherd’s hands were scarred and wounded, and now she saw that the scar in his palms were the exact shape and size of the seed of Love that lay in his hand. “Won’t it hurt if you put it into my heart?” she asked. The Shepherd answered, “Love and pain go together, for a time at least. If you would know Love, you must know pain too.” So I understand a little more of why I’m going through the things I’m going through right now. My sorrows… my sadness… my pain, your sorrows, your sadness, your pain… it’s all a part of His plan. His plan to take us to higher places… higher ground… where the air is fresh and invigorating. Where it strengthens the whole body and there are streams of wonderful healing, so that those who bathe in them find all their blemishes washed away. I haven’t thrown in the towel yet… there’s a ray of light shining through the clouds that have blocked my view.  |
| I don’t know what’s up with me. I usually have had more spunk then this in the past. Now, it seems I just don’t want to carry on. It’s not that I couldn’t… I’m just doubting if I even want too. This morning Sarah forced a smile. I forced one back. She was unloaded drinks in the vol frig so I started helping her. I asked if she got some sleep on her day off. She was giving short and snappy answers. And eventually let it rip that she skipped school, called in sick to work and went over to her ex mother in laws house. Said she cried like a little girl lying in her lap all day. Said she is stressed and depressed. The entire world around me is stressed and depressed! I asked if she used? She said no. Our conversation continued, again I asked if she used. She said No. I knew that she had. I’m one in the same. And I told her this. I know that you used… she kept denying it, finally admitted yeah, ok, I did… but I only spent 100 bucks on it. I just didn’t know how to act. I went in search of answers… I found mercy… show mercy… so mercy I tried to show. I damn near begged her to call her sponsor. She went from saying… I don’t know if I will call her… to I know I need to call her, eventually … throughout the day. I think Sarah used back when she stopped by ol’ boys’ place the time before. I think she lied to me about it then too. I didn’t think Sarah would lie. I thought she was a straight shooter… but she looked me right in the eye, never flinched and lied to me today… this leads me to believe she hasn’t been clean at all since our night out on the town. I think she used back then when I threw up the pinkie promise to her… I saw the guilt across her face… I just never thought she would lie to me and I believed her when she said she just stopped by there to bullshit cause she was on that side of town… bullshit… I knew it then… but trusted her and not my own gut. Today… there was no doubt she had used after I saw her demeanor and listened to her pitch the blame of her misery on anything and anyone that came to mind. I dreamed about getting high last night. I almost went by ol’ boys place myself yesterday. I’ve been in a bad place… the only thing keeping me sober is a simple little prayer I say 100 times a day… God Keep me sober God keep me sober, God keep me sober, God keep me sober God Keep me sober God Keep me sober God keep me sober God keep me sober God keep me sober God Keep me sober God keep me sober God keep me sober God keep me sober God keep me sober God Keep me sober God keep me sober God keep me sober God keep me sober God keep me sober God keep me sober God keep me sober God keep me sober God keep me sober God keep me sober God keep me sober God keep me sober God keep me sober God keep me sober God keep me sober God keep me sober That’s it! That’s all I’m holding onto for my sanity… Sarah and I had plans to go run around today. We had plans to work the fair tomorrow together. I told her I wasn’t available today. She got mad… “Well, I guess I’ll just have to find a ride from someone else”… I talked to Carla and told her I don’t think I can volunteer at the fair tomorrow… This was after I spoke with my sponsor, she reminded me of how I have almost ALWAYS relapsed during work related events. And she was right… not to mention that I will be working side by side with Sarah who has the mindset right now of an addict in action. And truthfully… it wouldn’t take much at all for me to jump right in there with her! So I cancelled everything. I called and made an appointment with Mike (my counselor) I’ll call him Collins from now on… but he is sick and it may be Monday or later before I talk to him… that’s cool… I finally made that call…been on the list for a while. I came home, barely able to carry myself and I feel to my bed… been asleep from then to now… fixing to go back to sleep. I have done nothing but sleep! I feel peaceful when I sleep… I wake up and for a minute I feel content and blissful… then I am reminded of reality and that blissful feeling subsides. I told Sarah back when she stopped by ol’ boys place once before that if she goes back out I wont be around her to watch it. I can’t! I’ll go with her! Yesterday I got so freaking close! And the thing about it… if the high was anything worth having… I would have gone for it… but the HIGH Doesn’t change a damn thing inside of me… it only adds to my pain… so what’s the use? The dope and the whisky ain’t working for me no more! Even MEN aren’t fixing me any more… I’m stuffing my body with anything I can find and it’s only making me sick… I don’t even care how ROUND I get… I do… but at the time… it’s all I have to trigger a “happy feeling” and it lasts only a split second till I get full and bloated and feel like the fat ass that I am! Oh and SMOKING… I’m a walking fire place… Sleeping and eating…. Sleeping and eating… sleeping and eating… God keep me sober God keep me sober… God keep me sober… God keep me sober… God keep me sober… I can’t go on like this no more… This has GOT to be the darkness right before the dawn… An Angel says ~ laughter is a drug with no side effects |
| I deleted my entry cause I was mad no one sent me a comment. I think I am off my rocker... I called my shrink and got an appointment for Monday. I have hurt Sarah's feelings cause I told her I can't be alone with her right now. She relapsed and I'm on the verge. I can't be around her. She is losing it and I dont think I ever had it. |
| Woke up this morning and found big boy dead. A floater… ol’ yeller’s story has been told. He was the biggest fish in my tank. There are two more in there. I’m secretly wishing they would croak too so I can trash that fish tank. Don’t tell em’ I said that though Fish tanks are lot’s of hard work. I would take them over to my mother’s pond but they would be lunch to her monster goldfish. The sun shined today. Yesterday I slept and slept… I laid in bed and watched the news, when it was over I turned off the television and cried myself to sleep. I think it was 6 o’clock when I feel out, woke up at 6AM this morning… didn’t want to get up then…but I did. Sarah called in sick. Bless her heart, she is wearing herself out with work and school. I’m glad she took this day for herself. It was inventory day… I had to find something to keep our regular volunteers from Christian rehab busy downstairs; we can’t let them count. So… We all busted a move and got the break room and front office spick and span. I dusted… even pulled out copy machine, fax, printer’s etc… and knocked out the three inches of dirt under them all. And we wonder why none of us can breath here in West Texas! They did all the bathrooms, swept, mopped, vacuumed…. There is one young one… about 20 and the boy gets on my nerves! He was down stairs mopping and was like in slow motion just shooting the shit with me… I was playing 80’s greatest and he was asking all these questions and told me Cowboy Corey said I was a freak. A FREAK? Oh… that’s not a bad thing… he winked… I told Eve to switch him with one of the others…put him upstairs doing something cause… I was fixin’ to get ugly… and she did. For the lunch hour, I came home and cleaned my apartment. Not that it was all that dirty, I was home all last week and I’m quite OCD at times. Dusting and bathtub cleaning… seldom get done around here … but I did clean the bathtub before the operation so that Calgon could take me away… and he did. I learned how to properly spell the world, hearse, today… Learn something every day! Read the paper and was grief stricken again… However! Who am I to question why or how someone’s journey ended… there is a time to weep and a time to let the dead be buried and continue on. I still don’t recall where I have crossed paths with Cpl. Scott Gardner. I haven’t put much thought to it either… And Moses cried out onto the Lord asking, “What Shall I do?” And the Lord told Moses… “ Go On!” I don’t know what scripture number goes with  … but it’s in Deuteronomy I do believe. John licked me today. yes! He said he wanted to tell me something… a secret. Pulled my hair back and licked my ear! Gave me giggle bumps… and shocked the hell out of me! But was a good laugh. He is on my mind right now. I’m thinking about talking Shanelle’s advice! But I don’t need to do that!!! No… Jen… No! Maybe I need to write a good erotica!  . I don’t feel sexy … I feel yuck! I feel so unwomanly. I like feeling like a woman and do you know my toes have been nekkid for a week now? Yeah! My toenails have no color… This is so unlike me! Sarah couldn’t believe it when she saw my nekkid feet yesterday. I guess I really am depressed… this is proof! Don’t think you are necessarily on the right road because it is a well-beaten path. Says an Angel… John asked for me to type for him as he spoke. He can’t type! No… in fact, when we IM each other… I can write a blog entry while awaiting his response. So, I typed a letter to his brother, for him, who just got put in jail… his twin brother… I did not know he had a twin! What a trip… I volunteered to be his brother’s pen pal and sent a picture of myself with my mailing address along with the letter. John is like, you won’t write to Randy but you will write to a stranger?… Randy burned me… and the more I think about it… the more I just can’t stand the man. He needs to sit there and reminisce about what he had… and what he lost… Uh oh… where are my scriptures now? Well… I do believe my time is up. I’m still pretty down and out… but it’s getting better. I just don’t seem to have the energy it takes to pull myself up out of this abyss I’m in. That strength will come. It’s just a matter of time. I haven’t used nothing… still sober! I got that much going for me… I FEEL everything that is happening… DAMN IT! I came home after work and fell asleep again! Slept for about an hour or so… the phone woke me up, was a telemarketer. And I’m unlisted! Go figure! Someone named Mike Powell had this number before me… Obviously No more ugly notes this morning… just a dead fish… Shows how I’m too dumb to be afraid… the day after the note was left… I feel asleep with my door unlocked and the balcony sliding glass wide open… And I consider myself an above average woman It did freak me out that morning. I was afraid my car would have been vandalized… but I found it just as I left it… thank GOD… Life goes on… even after the thrill of living is gone… Take care and stay alive, would ya! |
| To my writing friends… I am so sad right now, more so then I think I have ever been. I stood on the sidewalk with both my hands on my heart, watched as over 200 police cars accompanied by the Hurst that carried the bodies of the officers whose face was blown to pieces as they protected the life of someone like me…A woman… who dialed 911 because her husband was drunk and abusing her. This… ASSHOLE opened fire without a thought… killing two officers… their body laid in his back yard for hours… another office fights for his life as we sit in our cozy homes feeling sorry for ourselves because we have a BOIL on our ass… or whatever… I am ashamed of myself. Cpl. Scott Gardner was 4 months younger than I am. I know his face. I have crossed paths with him somewhere. I can’t recall at this time where? But I remember that face… I remember he was kind to me. I don’t know if it was from one of my nights out… or if it was one of my community based job functions! Oh… the personalities I carry in my pocket… I will remember soon enough… but I know him… he lived as long as I have and now it’s over… A senseless death… a waste of life… but he died a hero, none the less… I don’t want to be a part of this world anymore. I have felt all the sorrow that I think I’m capable of handling. I want to go home. Not the home I sit in now… no… home. I have reached the point of shutting down. I just can’t see the rainbow through rain… I’m doubting if it’s even there. I made it half way through my list of reads today… then I no longer had the energy to carry on… seems there is sadness everywhere today. It’s just a sad day… Psalms 30:5 For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. I’m holding on to this with everything I got… Good Night |
No mean notes on door this morning. Body aches from weather change. Three officers where shot in the head by a crazy man here in Odessa. One is still alive but it doesn’t look good for him. The newspaper article is linked… http://www.oaoa.com/news/marquez_7449___article.html/police_opd.html One statement in the article that stands out loud and clear in my mind: White told Odessa Police Crisis Intervention Unit officers during the standoff that he’d been drinking whiskey. With 9-11 and the deaths of some of Odessa’s finest… my hometown is quiet and quite somber. Where was I during the 9-11 attacks? I was attending trade school… woke up late that morning after spending the night out clubbing… I rushed to class and met chaos. I remember another student screaming out… “We’re getting attacked”… Everyone was rushing out of the school to go pick up their kids. People thought that we would be the next attacked because this is the Presidents hometown and because of the oil industry. Most students left for the day to go be with their family, got their kids out of daycare and prepared for what they feared. I stayed at school but came home on my break. My mother had called… she just wanted to talk, she was afraid my brother may had been harmed; he was living in PA at the time. She was scared. I was numb. I was dating a man GAWD I can’t remember his name! Like a common name… but totally slipping my mind at this time. Later that evening he came over, I had ordered a pizza and he sobbed sitting on my living room sofa as we watched the news. He was very patriotic. I wasn’t sure what was going on and kept asking questions. Who would have done this? Why? I just didn’t understand any of it. He had served in the military and sat there and cried, red faced and couldn’t eat… in turn making me cry just by watching him. I really did not understand what had happened. I knew nothing about terriost or Bin Laden… none of that… I was given an unforgettable lesson after our towers fell to the ground. Sarah is having a hard day. I asked if she has said the serenity prayer? She said no. I asked if she has called her sponsor? She said no. I told her to get on it. She put her hand up as to tell me to stop. I told her… No you stop. This is what recovery is all about. It’s not the days that are all peachy that we practice what we learn… It’s days like this… that we need recovery the most. She still wasn’t impressed… but I am going to take her to cash her school check during lunch. Though I planned on going home to have MY quiet time… but It’s all good… I told her she would buy me lunch for this. She said… Whateva! Have a good day… Would ya! |
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