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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
| You’re not going to believe the day I’ve had! Why I hardly believe it myself. I woke up this morning to kisses on my cheek. I open my eyes and I recognize that’s its Jesse. I honestly knew who it was before my eyes were open. I could never forget that touch. We lay belly down and just talked for hours. He brought me a cup of coffee to bed! Even had my favorite creamer in it too! I ran my fingers through his shoulder length dark hair. Searched for myself within his sparking blue eyes. I was there…Undeniably. He then escorted me to the salon… where I was pampered from head to toe. My hair, my nails, my skin… all made to perfection. Jesse left for a while but returns with a dozen red roses, a bottle of Champagne and the most gorgeous dark blue evening gown that I have ever seen. Just my size too! Size 2. I reach up for him, pull him down to me on the pampering bed and just open-mouth kiss him all over his cheeks and neck. He laughs out loud and is pleased to see me so pleased. I step into the dressing room and slide into this ocean blue, sleek charmeuse dress with stylish braided straps, soft ruching and a dramatic V-neck, which brings my facial features to full glory. I hardly recognized the beauty in the reflection. Jesse showed his appreciation by his expression. He reached out his hand like a gentleman; I gladly latched on to it as he twirled me around the floor. He asked what I wanted to do next… I told him and off we went! We traveled back in time to 1975 and saw Fleetwood Mac live and in their prime. Stevie asked me to sing “Rhiannon & Landslide ” With her on STAGE…. And I DID! Then I went back stage and smoked a joint with John Mcvie. Christine got a little peev’d so I kissed Johnny good-bye… grabbed Jesse and away we went. I hear less than six months later they were getting divorced Yeah… well, I never liked Christine much anyway… she was always jealous of Stevie and rightfully so. hmm… Is love so fragile... And the heart so hollow Shatter with words... Impossible to follow You're saying I'm fragile... I try not to be I search only... for something I can't see So Jesse and I sang “Leather and Lace” together on St. Jean Beach. Made a toast to the beautiful day and drank the bottle of champagne. We danced to our own music on the shores of St. Jean. I have my own life... and I am stronger Than you know But I carry this feeling When you walked into my house That you won't be walking out the door We skinny dipped… laughed, talked, orgasamed. Multi orgasms We built a sandcastle… then knocked it down… made love in the wide open … it’s been a great Sunday, y’all. Lovers forever... face to face My city or mountains Stay with me stay I need you to love me I need you today Give to me your leather... Take from me... my lace When we said goodbye, he promised he’d be back again soon. I never know when… I just wait till I feel those soft kisses as I sleep. ** Now I think I’ll finish this 99-cent double cheeseburger and that load of laundry still needs folding… tomorrow I’m back to the gym. Tonight if I see another episode of Law & Order I may have to jump from the balcony to put myself out of the misery. I’ll prolly just break a leg then be stuck in the bed with nothing to do but watch TV. So scratch that… Could it be that I'm delirous from this mornings wrestling match? ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Jen leapfrogs into the wrestling ring with Wonch. Shakes fists, flexes muscles … gives the stare down I looked at the why ‘behind the what’. I keep referring to myself as a sick bitch because that’s my way of making whatever I’m feeling ok. So if someone comes along and tells me what I’m feeling ain’t right … Well I can say… Hey, I said I was sick! I’ve got my guard up around this place… Around every place I take shit hard, so I asked… Self… why you calling yourself names over here? My self said …Cause it gives me the OUT if I’m attacked for expressing my feelings. See… I’m not use to knowing what it is I’m feeling. I’m damn sure not use to telling others about them. So … that sick bitch statement is a way of personal protection… Still, again, that "I'm a sick bitch" bullshit is really your excuse to retard your improvement...to excuse the fact that you have NO IDEA how to adjust for your own protection. Okay… maybe it is an excuse. A little bitsy one! But retard my improvement? Recovery = improvement… this is my entire goal here Messenger Man! Ok, so maybe I have no IDEA of how to adjust for my own protection. Ok, ok… (Jen gets knocked down… but she doesn’t stay down) Round two… ding ding ding… Dunno if you've noticed this or not, but the meetings you go to seem filled mainly with people who still can't see past their personal pain (save perhaps a FEW, or just one). The personal life, too. IN a certain way, This doggin’ of AA is unacceptable! Sure… there is some sick folk hanging around up in there… but there are miracles walking around in those rooms. I’m one of em’! If anything the fellowship of AA is worth the meeting. You tell me not to be isolating, where am I gonna find some people to hang with without AA? At least the majority of these folks have the same goal as me. We want to be sober. We have a bond… a common ground. And it ain’t just all about staying sober… it’s about living sober. Honestly, it’s a lot like going to church… it’s all about Spirituality and God. Except we smoke, cuss and let everyone have a chance to speak. Messenger Man, think about it… The WORLD can’t see past their own pain… it’s not just AA members… it’s everywhere! Of course there is gonna be some weeds mixed in with the flowers… but the flowers are still just as radiant and sweet smelling. You know what?!?! Even the weeds have a purpose! (Jen performs leg drop on Wonch… ) Round three begins… ding ding ding Actually, childhood INFLUENCES our choices, but WE mold ourselves as needed. You can't blame your attraction to certain types on anyone...including yourself. That's how it’d have been even had you grown up with Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver. Its how you're built, programmed, and you can't change it. ( Wonch bicycle kicks Jen… She retreats. ) Round four begins… ding ding ding HINT: It's precisely THIS that tells me EXACTLY who you are, regardless of the tough exterior. (Jen performs a Cactus Clothesline on Wonch) None of this changes with your recovery - as stated, this has nothing to do with it. Alcohol and weed just allowed you to dampen the pain enough to continue punishing yourself..for...being born. *hands Jen a hanky* Jen takes hanky, blows her nose, and gives it back to Wonch. What is recovery? Recovery occurs as a person begins to make better choices about his or her physical, mental, and spiritual health. There are four phases of recovery: transition/stabilization, early, middle, and late recovery or maintenance. ~ http://www.oasas.state.ny.us/recovery/whatis.cfm Recovery at its simplest and indeed in its essence is about nothing more or less than the recovery of life itself. It is about getting back something of value (life), not merely giving up something that is strongly desired (addiction). ~ http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/What_is_Recovery.html Everything is about my recovery! (Jen climbs on top of turnbuckle and performs the polish hammer on Wonch. Wonch shakes it off quickly and pins Jen down performing a series of trapping head butts) Round five begins… ding ding ding… Granted, you're recovering from a physical and mental addiction. THAT...takes time. The personality adjustments, however, take as much or little time as you allow. THAT is fully under your control... Control? What’s that??? (Jen performs the stink butt on Wonch) You may not be stuck on randy per se...but...you're stuck on his type and those who misuse it. Randy just happens to be readily handy. Consider this and you'll start to see that you CAN adjust this within yourself - and fast, if you really want such a change. That's the key, though - WANTING it for real. (Wonch cannonballs Jen) No. I’m NOT Stuck on Randy. Okay… maybe his type. But NOT necessarily those that misuse it! I’m getting better… (Jen is weak, dazed and confused … she decides to withdrawal from the ring and return at a more opportune time) Messenger Man is the champion! The audience applauds, climbs in the ring… circles around the champ… chanting… “We love Messenger Man. We love Messenger Man. We love Messenger Man.” Jen whispers to Wonch… “You think we can get our picture taken together? Hey, can I get your autograph on it to?.” ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
Michael Wonch   …sent me a comment that uh… really made me step back and ponder for a minute. There is much truth within his observations. Some I don’t want to admit and uh… stung for a minute. Other’s I thought about and I disagree. So here’s my spiel: Randy had the character that I’m attracted to. Thanks to dear ol’ dad… and the two sick fucker’s that played with my ass when I was a kid. I know! I can not blame how I am on what has happened to me… but our childhood does mold whom we become. Definitely if there is no action taken to prevent it. I WAS/maybe still am attracted to emotionally unavailable men who can charm and sweet talk. Men ON power trips. I lose total interest in someone that I CAN manipulate. I’m attracted to a challenge. It’s sick… it really is sick and I can not find the words to justify what I’m trying to convey. However! Much of this is changing with my recovery. I feel guilty because I’m turning my back on someone in prison. That is the reason I went into trying to justify not sending him money. I feel guilty! I did have powerful emotions invested in this man… but he ain’t the first. I’ve had these sick obsessions with MEN since I was 5 years old and a sick bastard played with my little girl twat! I could make a list of the men I have obsessed with JUST like I have with Randy. I’m mean it… I’m a sick bitch… No. I’m not stuck on Randy anymore. I never really was stuck on him. I was stuck on him being stuck on me. You’re right I validate myself through others. I’m so co-dependent that it ain’t even cute. With time… I do believe this will change… I have been in recovery for less than a year. I have thirty years invested into this sickness. That was an honest comment and It’s cool to see from a man’s point of view… Honestly… there is someone else that I’m stuck on… you might even know him. |
| I’m going to have to purchase a new home computer very soon. There’s only one thing I got figured out… and that’s that I ain’t got nothing figured out. I have no clue as to why my monitor goes wiggly at times. I moved everything and dusted behind it, blew on the plugs… all I know to do. It’s working now… as long as I hold my lip just right maybe it will long enough for me to write this. My dad told me last Christmas that he was going to get his wife to build me a computer. Good thing I’m not holding my breath… I think I’d be dead by now. My mom and Mike came over this morning to mess with the breaker box and try to help me figure out why my electricity is so high. We took all suggestions. They called somebody who gave em’ a list of things to do… only thing we figured out is that we still ain’t got nothing figured out. When the AC is off… the little spin thingy goes really slow… when the A/C is on… the little spin thingy goes really fast. That’s it. My step dad screamed out… “Who did you scalp?” when he walked in my closet and seen my hair hanging on a clothes hanger.  I don’t wear my hair pieces… well last Halloween I wore one but haven’t since, but I like to have them just in case!I’m pretty flustered about this puter bullshit. I am at the mercy of this machine. I can’t research, write… not a damn thing when it starts flickin’. I just have to shut down and go do something else. Maybe that’s what I need to be doing anyway. Got a letter from Randy today… asking me to send money he needs personal hygiene. He’s fixing to get out… but that’s our little secret. The man is trying to play me from a jail cell! Does he not realize that I’m the one that put him and other chic back into contact? He only talked to her once… only.  Hell she called up to work the other day asking for me to donate to his cause. You know if I had the money… I would do it just cause he is asking me too. But since I don’t have it… and he ain’t nothing special to me… why should I be putting myself out to get him some cash up at the jail? I mean if we were hooked up… if even a real friendship… you know I’d do what I had to do to come through for him… but I’ve done all I can do for him right now. I don’t know if I should write him to tell him this or just let him put two and two together. It’s not my style to just not respond… but I’m not sure I even care enough to buy a stamp and take the time to slap some words on a piece of paper… telling him I ain’t got no money… I’m not interested… I see right through your bullshit… just go the hell away… I don’t know… |
| Woke up this morning and found my suffering little friend floating. Meow’s little brother kicked the bucket over night. I’m glad he isn’t suffering any more. Well, he’s dead… and I’m out the fish business. I’m tearing down the tank today, shutting up shop. I went to bed late but of course I woke up early. It never fails. I’m such a creature of habit. Hmmm…. I talked to my trainer at the gym yesterday. He said to bring my statements and come up on Monday. They will work with me any way they can. So… I’m back to the gym. I need to sweat out some frustrations!  An angel says: be thankful for the special people who walk through the triumphs and trials with you. Have I said thank you lately? Have I told you how much I love you? Thank you… and I love you. I made myself feel real icky last night… I got to stop doing this shit to myself. When I was a kid and my family moved us to Lubbock Texas. I made friends through the two years there but in the beginning it was just me and my ol’ typewriter. Well, it was a fancy typewriter… it was a WORD PROCESSOR. I wrote many stories and poems during that time. I even wrote a song for my brother because he was vocals and bass in a band back in Odessa. My brother read the lyrics to the song and it was too dark for even him. Huh? Yeah… He turned it away and broke my little heart. It went something like: Without you I have no life So to your throat I place a knife I cut so deep that you scream in pain From your eyes I can see the rain Your dying body falls to the floor That’s what you get bitch, you fucking whore. Yeah… ok ok, now that I’m all grown up … I see it was a little OUT THERE… BUT the underlying message was cool… so I thought. It was about a man that killed his girl and got away with it. He never was punished on earth, but when he died his punishment came from Hell. With a clap of thunder, I find my body six feet under. Into the depths of hell I’m cast, because of my past. I try to fight, but the darkness of the pit takes away my sight. I reluctantly let go…. Down the tunnel of hell I flow. The voice of my late lover’s blood cries out to me, The Earth itself, which now hold my blood, Will cry out against me. Reading it now... I see it's rather silly but back then I thought I had created a masterpiece!!! My brother thought different. I found this old writing from my childhood too.  These are real memories, not created: I remember you… I remember that old gold sofa that sat in my families’ living room. I remember tossing and turning trying to get you off of me…I remember the darkness in your back yard. I remember your words… “Do as I say or I’ll take off ALL your clothes and throw you in the garbage can.” I will not cry. I just want you to know… little sister don’t miss when she aims her gun. I found my old story titled “Tell me that you love me.” I wrote this back in high school. It’s about a sexual abuse victim that hunts down the man that abused her and tortures him. *** “Last night in my sleep, I woke to the sound of my heart pounding. Tears in my eyes. I lay there with hopes of reality pushing its way through. Reality turned its back on me. I felt a sharp pain stab through my heart, as if a bolt of lightening had struck it. Gasping for air, my eyes opened like thunder. I held the palms of my hands snug to my chest. The room was dark as if death had come of all society. I saw the little girl again.” Jenilee paused to see the expression on Dr. Meyer’s face. He showed none. She licked her lips nervously and began speaking again. “He was TOUCHING her. I closed my eyes and there they stood. I opened them and they were there too! Her long light red hair was in disarray. Her babyish hazel eyes stared at me helplessly. She blinked her eyes and looked down as if she was ashamed. The man’s face scarred with acne, his eyes sent a frightening message to me. His jaw shut tightly. LITTLE GIRL, You CAN make him STOP!!! I screamed. “She knows that I love her” the man responded to me. Doctor… anger ran through my body and I leaped off my bed towards the man. I crashed onto my bedroom floor, looked around and they were gone. Jenilee lowered her head and wiped the tears from her cheeks. *** This was only the first paragraph of the story. Ultimately, Jenilee decides to hunt down this man and kill him. I was so full of piss and vinegar back in them days. One thing I noticed about myself. I always use the same character names! Jackie is one of my favorite names… Jenilee… well that’s just a hillbilly version of my name! I’m gonna see if I can’t get some of that piss and vinegar back…  |
I left for the AA birthday bash a little early this evening. The Sun was almost gone for the day. The dark blue sky grabbed my attention. Layers of colorful clouds, light purple, pinkish red then ending with different shades of yellow. It was a beautiful sight to see. It took most of my attention as evident in my driving. The sight engulfed me… I even pulled over to write down the exact colors I saw and to bask in the creativity of my creator. On my radio I have two Classical Rock stations in memory, Two Country stations and our local Christian station. I click randomly till I find a song that I enjoy or at least is tolerable. As I continued towards my destination this evening, a country song grabbed hold of me and has yet to let go. I was almost certain it was a Garth Brooks song when I heard it. I recognized his voice, but I have never heard this song before. As I drove… the passion pouring out from my car speakers left me with giggle bumps. It’s like I was sent into a daze. I even sat in my car after pulling into the club’s parking lot to hear the songs end. I wrote down the main verse with hopes I could find it online and check it out. And I did. I’m not going to paste the entire song in this entry, only the words that cling to me. It is Garth Brooks and it’s titled: More than a Memory.  It’s when you're dialing 6 numbers just to hang up the phone Driving cross town just to see if she's home Waking a friend in the dead of the night Just to hear him say it's going to be alright When you're finding things to do, not to fall asleep Cause you know she will be there in your dreams I don’t think I’m hung up on any man… it would be obvious if I was… I would be writing about it. I think this song grabs me for other reasons. I feel the strong obsession in his words… Driving across town… dialing the number just to hang up… I feel the desperate need for someone to say I’m OK … Just to hear him say it’s gonna be alright … When you’re finding things to do… not to go out and use… When you wake up thinking you blew your dry date cause you got high in your dreams… To me… it’s like SHE = addiction, maybe… and she’s more than just a memory. She’s sitting right outside the door… Took a match to everything she ever wrote Watched her words go up in smoke Tore all her pictures off the wall That aint helping me at all I just like this  line… Way cool… It represents to me the way it was in the beginning when I tore up everything I had that reminded me of days gone by. Thinking that if I just block it all out… If I can just stop cascading beasts into my mind and body… than everything will be perfect. I’ll live a perfect life, with perfect people and I’ll be a perfect person. I’ve never been more wrong about anything in my life. It didn’t help me at all 'Cause when you're talking out loud and nobody's there You look like hell and you just don't care Drinking more than you've ever drank And sinking down lower than you ever sank Then you find yourself falling down upon your knees Praying to God, beggin him "please" This part of the song… represents where I am right now. You know… I’m still throw’d the hell off… I still got the same little girl trapped inside this woman’s body. I just don’t have the self-medication! I feel worse some days than I ever felt back then! I didn’t feel MUCH then… and now I feel EVERYTHING. I’m a hell of a lot lonelier. I’m so much more vulnerable. Before I’d go out and find me a traveling soldier to make me feel all right at least for a night. Today I’m holding on to someone I can’t see… I feel Him sometimes… but it takes a lot of effort on my part. It would be so much easier to just drown it out. EASIER! I look like hell and I don’t even care… I feel like hell and I could change it… if only for a minute. I’m not drinking more than I ever drank… but I damn sure have those emotional hangovers every other day! May as well be!!!! BUT I’M NOT GOING TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dammit! 'Cause when you're dialing her number just to hang up the phone Driving cross town just to see if she's home Waking a friend in the dead of the night Just to hear him say it's going to be alright!! When you're finding things to do, not to fall asleep Cause you know she's waiting in your dreams I BELIEVE that this is all a part of the process. I BELIEVE that there’s going to be a breathtaking rainbow of purples, pinks, reds, and different shades of yellow… when this storm finally passes. And it will Pass… Just watch and see… That’s when … she’s … more than a memory. I can’t pretend to be something I’m not. I can go to work and I can use a smile to cover the pain… I’m not going to do that here. I’m here to WRITE my heart out and if it bothers you… then get the hell out of here. I’m touchy, I’m intolerable, I’m weak, and I’m restless, irritable, discontent… I’m walking through the fucking wilderness and I ain’t got time to kiss your ass. I don’t even know whom I’m talking to… but if you think it may be you… well it just may be. People say she’s only in my head It’s going to take time but I’ll forget And I need some loving… |
| I been on an Aretha Franklin kick here lately… Chain, Chain, Chain… Chain of fools I woke up about 5 from a nap. I dreamed JJ was in foster care and I was crying and trying to figure out how to get him out of there and with me. And I kept googling his name and then images of him being mistreated were popping up and I couldn’t get no one to help me. Sarah was with me and she was suppose to be making a call to somebody that could help me bust JJ out and she kept getting side tracked and talking about other shit and I was sitting there watching her talk on the phone… and getting madder and madder cause she wasn’t getting me the help I needed. It was weird! I wake up and ate a banana. Now… I am watching my last little fish swim in circles, like his little fin is broken or something… he don’t look good at all. Should I flush him? or just watch him suffer? I don’t know what to do … but I damn sure need to do something with this HAIR! I think I have a gray!  Going to get my place straightened up, then hit birthday night up at the club… I should have went to the bank and got my rent money today! but I slept instead. I’ll sneak it up in there in the morning and they will never know it wasn’t there by the fifth… right? Right! Yeah… I have been sneaking it up in there for a while now. I always wait till the last day… cause I CAN! The moment I wake up, before I put on my makeup... I say a little prayer for you... Forever And EVER you'll stay in my heart... Answer my prayer..... cause I'm in love you... Ah... I will survive! BYE! |
| It’s not working for me anymore. The: Men, whisky or dope ~ whatever takes me higher She told me this would happen. She was right. Where to turn for replacements? What IS going to work? Oh ok, the men still work for me… but not all men. Only certain one’s… none of which are in eyes view right now. The whisky took me places I never thought I’d be. Places I never want to go back to. I love to smoke a joint. I will not lie… but I wouldn’t stop with just one joint. I’d smoke a quarter bag a day and lose my job, home, and car… all of it. The dope put me around people that would slice my throat if it would benefit them in the slightest. Hell… high on dope… I’d slice your throat if it would benefit me in the slightest. Weed’s not dope to me… When I talk about dope, I’m referring to the hard shit. To a person like myself, weed can’t even be an occasional luxury. I’m just screwed. People just suck. Life is a bitch. The rain falls on the just and the unjust all the same. I know how I should be. I know how I should act. I haven’t quite figured out the Art of Pretend. I’ve tried… it’s just not in me. It takes more effort than I got to give. I can’t see the rainbow through all the clouds, but I know it’s there. I cry out to GOD and PRAY that it be there. Sometimes I catch myself wondering if all of this is even worth it. I know it is. I see the changes. I see the difference. I like the difference… but I’m still stuck in the middle somewhere… not even with you… I’m stuck in the middle alone. Ah… hell, are we ever really alone? I’m just an old hippie and I don’t know what to do… should I hang on to the old, should I grab on to the new? I’ve already grabbed hold of the new. I just ain’t real sure what to do with it now? What to do with me now? Hey… I’m an old dope head and alcoholic. My problem is Jennifer. Would somebody get that bitch off my ass for me? They were both crashing today at work. She showed up at 10am… overslept. I should be with them. The odds are that I would be with them. Instead I am here in this quiet empty apartment with a dying fish, a flesh eating calico, and nothing to hold on to but old memories and a few blurry hopes and dreams. I guess that’s something. It’s easier to stay out… than to get out… right? |
| The day passed by quickly. It’s been a busy day. I spent most of the evening in my car running errands. I purchased fruit. Yeah! Fruit… for a fruit basket my boss asked me to make. I don’t even know how to pick out peaches. I don’t do peaches… Yuk! My job duties are a bit odd sometimes. My boss is going to Prude Ranch for a board retreat for the next week and I ran my ass all over the place today trying to get her ready to go. I did get my work email up today. I haven’t been able to access it since we got our new puter’s. I had 500 emails… yeah… my boss has been sending me emails requesting I do shit and I never even knew! She ain’t never asked about none of it either… Just odd… At lunch I ran some errands, stopped and got me a tea and got Sarah one too… just to be nice. Everything was cool. She brought me some Halloween décor she found in salvage. We have been doing ok lately… well I needed an ice chest… and since the warehouse TOOK my ice chest I usually send with boss lady for events such as this… I had them go get it from the other warehouse and bring it to me. Sarah throws it up next to my desk, the thing has hair and mold growing on it… and she tells me I need to wash it… blah blah blah… Excuse me? I looked at her like she was out of her mind. “Who are you talking too?” “YOU”… she responded. I’ll just stop here but let’s just say… it wasn’t pretty… and she got her ass out there and washed the damn thing. Long story… not worth my effort or time in recalling, but this is why I can’t tolerate her ass but half the time. I’m the fucking secretary… Secretaries don’t get out there in their fucking sun dress and wash out an ice chest that the warehouse trashed anyway! Plus I was walking out the door to go buy the fucking fruit and cups and coffee and creamer and sugar … I went to four different stores for all different shit. What REALLY pissed me off during this confrontation. The dude there today putting in hours that I wrote about earlier was standing there during this conversation and he said to Sarah. “I’ll wash it out.” She told him, “NO. You need to help John.” I said… “Uh… I’ll talk to Eve about this. You can just leave that chest right there and go back upstairs.” Girl acts like she is something that she ain’t up at the fucking warehouse. She thinks she is in charge of something… grrr… I’m just pissing myself off again. How do you deal with people that chap your ass? HOW? Well… sponsor says to see the disease when I see her. You know… I didn’t act like that when I was drinking and drugging! Oh… yeah I did… I sure thought my shit didn’t stink. Yeah, ok… I remember those days of trying to make myself feel better by acting like I’m a big somebody when I really felt like a little nobody. She tells me yesterday to watch Francis. She needed to run an errand and needed for me to keep an eye on her. HELLO? What? Francis started working there a week before Sarah. They are equal! Sarah ain’t over her… Ok… I’m done with that… shake it off! Jen shakes and wiggles… and keeps wiggling… still wiggling… body is wiggling even when Jen stops moving… I left a note on my mom’s door during my lunch hour… just said, “I love you two!, Love Sis”… My mom, dad and Step-dad call me Sis. My brother calls me Sissy. I heard him faintly when I called for JJ’s birthday the other day tell JJ that its Sissy on the phone. That was a moment for me. My sponsor wasn’t at the 5:30 like I thought she would be. David calls on me EVERY TIME! David is Justin’s sponsor and he is a way cool guy. In fact, he came out to the rehab I was in and talked to me. He was my first impression of AA. Too bad he’s married, dammit! Just my luck… but he called on me and he said he wasn’t going to let me pass this time, last time he called on me I said I wanted to listen. Right… So this time I just let it spew… Talked about how I’m sitting in this row alone and I use to be surrounded by my girlfriends. Talked about how I found myself getting complacent with my recovery and I knew something had to give. Told them all about my last relapse and the change of date and how I drank but didn’t even want to drink. I smoked dope and didn’t even want too… I just did it Because that’s what I’ve ALWAYS done. Several came up to me after the meeting and wanted to talk … offered pats on the back, and commented about they have noticed I’m the only one left out of my little group of gals…. Told me to stick with the winners… the one’s that keep coming back… no matter what… Every one said something… But I really had to pee so I rushed out as soon as I could. I had to go to the grocery store and get salad shit cause Eve wanted to have a spread tomorrow and I signed up for Salad…. I’m just gonna throw it together tomorrow at the job site. I really don’t feel like eating and being Merry with them PEOPLE!  Whewwww…. I’m in a mood Y’all! What’s new? |
| Remember the guy I sat next to at a meeting the other day? The one that asked for my ashtray and never gave it back? He walked in this morning to do some community service. Said that his boss has mandated he attend AA and do at least 20 hours CS in order to keep his job. I knew he recognized me but I wasn't sure who he was. As I was escorting him back to John's domain, I asked... Uh... where you at the noon meeting up at suburban on tuesday? He said, yeah... and I saw you there... I borrowed your ashtray... and we both said in unison... "And you never gave it back" "And I never gave it back" He asked if I was going to the noon today. well I didn't plan on it... I need to swing by and run a few errands. But I just told him I prolly need to make one at noon and he said yeah. I think I need one too... Today is Thursday... right? Oh... I got to go to the 5:30 meeting and hook up with sponsor... and WOOOOOOT then I'm stuck to the boob tube for a new episode of L&O, CI. Did you see Bobby... in the commercial? LOL ... He is like, what is that? and his partner says... oh a severed hand... No THAT... and he goes and tries to scratch of the USA logo! too funny... man he looks old these days... anyway, I got lots of work to do... board meeting I am preparing for. I smell so SWEET. I bought this diffrent kind of deodarant for the hell of it... it is called Sparkling vanilla and I smell so tasty!! Well I am what I am....  |
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