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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
| There is absolutely no doubt that I’m plugged into the right source TODAY. There is no doubt that this minute God has full reign of my mind, soul and emotions. Things could change in a blink. I have that Great Forgetter. I am GIVEN a daily reprieve contingent on my spiritual condition. I’m wrapping up my studies on Step Eleven. Tomorrow I am meeting with my sponsor to discuss and ask questions. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Step Eleven: “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.” I have seen some progress in myself by focusing a little more on mediation and prayer. I’ve learned to pray for Willingness, Tolerance and for God’s Will to be done… I’ve learned to pray for others. One thing I’m real about… if I tell you I’m praying for you… You’re name goes up to Our Father from my lips. I’m weird about this… because I found myself flippantly saying… I’ll pray for so-so… and then later… realizing I never did. I believe God convicted me over it… and NOW it’s a necessity for me. I write names down if I think I’ll forget… other times I say a little prayer right then and there. I don’t say much… sometimes I just envision lifting that person up and placing them in God’s BIG-O hand… other times… I just ask that they be blessed… many times… I just say their name… and ask that God’s Will be Done… Oh that’s not an easy prayer when it’s close to home. NO… I want to tell God just exactly what needs to be done in the life of my loved one. I have to stop myself many times… and just lower my head and repeat… Father knows best… Father knows best… Father knows best… I don’t know about you… but I’m an arrogant bitch. I can get too big for my britches… (In more ways than one)… Many times… it’s like I have to pop my own balloon…and if it goes too far for too long… then God does it… Oh I hate when He does it!  I can just see myself deflating at times. Ohhh…It’s so much easier nowadays then it use to be. Damn… I have moments sometimes. Like this evening I sat in the same chair at the meeting that I first sat in when I first walked through the doors of Suburban Group here in Odessa, back in November 2006. It’s like I was taken back in time for a split second and OMG am I ever glad to be sitting here in this today. I think I am honestly in the best spiritual, mental, emotional shape right now… then I have EVER been in my whole life! We won’t talk about physical…  and you know… this shocks the shit out of me… But physical is the least of my worries right now. SURE there will come a time… and Lord I hope it’s soon… that I’ll get in balance in every area… but right now… I’m right where I need to be… and hell it’s a year before my sandy blonde hubby shows up… so I can just eat and be merry!  I am kidding… sort of…  Someday it’s just going to be me and God looking face to face… Will I have to lower my head when I tell Him how I lived my life? Today… No… Tomorrow… well, I’ll blog about it then. I was reading from the Grapevine, which is an AA Meeting in Print… conference approved and EVERYTHING! www.aagrapevine.org I have three issues in my purse and anytime I get stuck in a line or just got a minute to kill, I’ll bust one out and read. There was an article I read the other day about living “One Day at a Time”… You see that’s one way I have gone so wrong in the past… not just with addictions, HELL addiction is a persons way of self-medication. Alcoholism is but a symptom of the REAL problem. I know there are those that look down their pointy little noses at me and think I’ve lost my mind standing up and saying I’m an alcoholic. You know what? It’s the best thing that ever happened to me. Honestly… I’ve obsessed and chased after EVERY thing that ever made me feel good… just so happens that when I chased a bottle of W.L. Weller … after beating the tar out of me for a couple of years… that bottle led me right through the doors of AA and thus introduced me to a God of MY understanding, the bestest friends I’ve ever had and steps to live life on life’s terms… I could not possibly list all the blessings I have found. I fall to my knees and thank GOD that I’m an alcoholic. One that has been blessed with recovery… Anyway… MY point… The Grapevine, I’m going to read a short paragraph to you from Page 22 of Octobers issue, titled “Not Enough Days”… One, night, at a meeting, I heard one of the old-timers share his struggle to not drink after many years of sobriety. He said that he had forgotten to live one day at a time. He had taken control of his life back from his Higher Power, had started to live in the future, and so, lost his serenity. Listening to him, a dim bulb lit up in my brain. That was what I had been doing. I was on a dry drunk, miserable, desperate not to drink because I had stopped living the program a day at a time. I had jumped to believing that “I have the answers.” What I really had was too many months and not enough days of sobriety. So I returned to the First Step and surrendered, one day at a time. And, of course, serenity returned and life got better – at least until I forgot, again, to live twenty-four hours at a time. Eventually, Twenty-four hours became of primary importance to my sobriety and I stopped counting beyond it. I bolded what really stuck out to me… MAN… this is why the program of AA works so well, one drunk talking to another drunk… I FEEL everything this man wrote… He just gave me the answer to my biggest struggle! I’m living in the future one minute… then falling back into the past the next… and my answer… is to stay RIGHT here in this MOMENT and appreciate all the beauty that RIGHT NOW has to offer me. In my bathroom, I have a painting of red and purple flowers with the words: “ No day is ever lost if just on Flower blooms, in that moment all can be right.” Oh… there are so many flowers blooming all around me… I just get lost in yesterday or Jump up into tomorrow and I am blinded to them. Did you hear that? POP! My head coming out my butt. I was in a real playful mood this morning… just almost childlike. I love it when I get like that. It’s like I have the simplicity of a child and all the walls are down… I fear nothing… life is but a box of chocolates… I am a morning person. Unless I am depressed… I wake up singing and dancing and playing… twirling the cat around… and that’s how I’ve been this last week. The weeks before… I was miserable. WHY? I don’t know… but I will say this… I have not moved forward with the steps since Leslie left. I have not spent quality time in working my program…well since the last time I blogged about it! I don’t even remember that far… Hmmm… This last week, I have been praying real hard about the situation with Sarah. I see my part… My ego is right in the middle of that situation and this is not good… cause if there is anything that I can point back at myself… I will do it if something happens to her… So I’ve been doing my best to stop being a bitch to her. Before this last weekend… I tensed up every time she walked in the room… She hurts my pride. I hurt my pride. Her personality hurts my pride, my program tells me to see the disease… my ego tells me to knock her upside the head. It’s just been inner conflict for me. And I feel like I failed, but the truth is… I was never in control… SEE I’m such an arrogant bitch?! I told ya! I thought I was keeping her sober… so I have the power to make her use again. It’s like pride in reverse… when I blame myself for her falling back… Yep! It ain’t cause I’m a nice person… hell no… it’s cause I think I should be able to CONTROL this bullshit… Anyway… Over the weekend… I really had a spiritual awakening and I learned that if I keep treating her like that… I’m not working a good program. I need to love unconditionally! I need to accept her… I don’t have to be around her but that which is required…but I need if ONLY to represent my HP… to treat her as I would want to be treated… and YEAH… Ok… If you spot it, you got it… I’m choking on this… but yeah… Sarah reminds me of me… I’m seeing her fall to shit right before my very eyes… and my ego says I should be able to stop it! Sarah really does listen to me at times. She knows my hearts in the right spot, my actions don’t always line up… but Sarah and I got damn close and she knows my weaknesses… and she used one against me today and I been sulking over it some what… but not too bad… ONLY because I’m plugged into the right source. One of my first suggestions as Sarah’s sponsor was for her not to be in contact with her Mother-in-law… Why? Because we got to change our playgrounds and playmates if we EVER intend on staying sober. Sarah’s husband died of an overdose on Herione. Her mother-in-law is drug addict. Sarah has moved in with her. She did this right before she told me that recovery was not for her and that she would not be back to our group. It kicks my ass when this lady picks her up for lunch… comes to get her after work. This woman is just white fucking trash… She ain’t got a brain cell left in her head cause she done burnt em’ all up with dope. She is sixty years old, ain’t got no teeth… looks like an old dope addict and she IS one… Sarah has left her family and moved in with this woman. She came to me today and asked if she could fix a food box for her Mother-in-law, said she was in a bad bind. My first reaction was… and I verbally said it… ‘ Send her to one of our agencies’… Sarah got pissed and said so. She said, “Where I come from… we take care of our own… and you’re telling me to send her down the street… I’ve seen you hook up strangers and you can’t do this for someone I love?”… Basically that’s what she said in a round about way… and she got me for a minute. Yeah… I looked at the why behind my what… the little hairs on my neck stick up when this Mother-in-law shows up… I don’t like her! I am angry with HER for Sarah’s choices. I wasn’t rude to Sarah about it… but my first thought was “Oh Hell No… I’m not helping that old bitch not no way.” That was honestly my first thought… and I just mumbled out… “Send her down the street”… yeah… I’d be pissed if I were Sarah too… most likely. BUT SHE DOESN’T SEE MY REASON! Grrrrrrrr… I guess my reasons are pretty selfish and egotistical. I guess I’m holding everyone responsible for Sarah’s choices… but Sarah. I do this with other people; I do this with myself. I do have resentment towards her mother-in-law. I am short with her when she tries to be friendly with me. I just don’t like the old nasty bitch!  Did I say that?!? Well it’s ALL Sarah’s Fault… The first story I heard about her mother-in-law was when she found her son’s dead body… she stole all his dope and money and didn’t even call the police or ambulance. Sarah told me this! And this is whom she chooses to befriend? I just don’t get it… but Then Again; I’m not God… I don’t know what He has planned for her. Obviously… Sometimes the hardest thing to do is nothing … sometimes that's just what we need to do. I eventually suggested Sarah go over me and talk to my boss lady about getting her the food box… and she did. I don’t know what boss said to her and it’s none of my business. Sarah expected me to be all for it and when I wasn’t it shocked the shit out of her. Honestly… had it been anyone else… I would have been all for it. So… I learned something about myself… and maybe next time I’ll do better… It’s not just the hands of those that YOU like… that you help when they reach out… it’s the HAND of anyone and everyone! God don’t make no junk Jennifer! Page 86 Alcoholics Anonymous When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful? Were we selfish? Dishonest? }Afraid? Do we owe an apology? NOOOO… I can’t talk to Sarah right now… I’m just too damn ripe! Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward ALL? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others? Of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God’s forgiveness and inquire that corrective measures be taken. An Angel says… Life is like an instrument. The beauty and quality of the music is based on the devotion of the musician playing it. Well… I got another $210 electric bill I handled it well though… BUT I have now turned it over to my step-dad. I’ve fought with Landlady… I wrestled with maintenance men… I’ve walked the stairs and wrote down every turn of the spinner thing… I’ve unplugged this… I’ve even had the A/C off for the last two weeks and had the balcony door open. I’m at a loss here… My step dad has a buddy that is coming over to look at my A/C unit. The electric company done changed the meter. I then changed electric companies… My only other option is to move into my car… if Step dad don’t get something figured out! He’s gonna go whoop that ass up somewhere! I don’t even know who to blame! But I do know I am one broke bitch over this stupid electric bullshit! I have a long day planned tomorrow. Lunch with Mom… CHINESE FOOD… and then meet up with Sheree… then I’m going to the Friday night speaker meeting cause it’s Craig and OMG this man is hilarious! It’s gonna be like a free comedy show. DAMN! I missed Law AND Order!  But I feel good after pouring my gutts out… This is long… I don’t expect many comments… only me and God could have possibly made it this far reading. Well I am the most intersting person I know. did I say that outloud? Good Night http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhm48mp8q98 I got this CD in my car too...  it's a little scratched, I bought it when I got divorced, reminds me of that time. HEY! As I lay in bed getting tail slapped by the bitch cat of mine... I realized had I NOT relapsed I would have been sober six months on October 14th... Wow! That is still mind boggling! One bottle of whisky in six months! Yeah... I drank the whole bottle in a few hours ... Never said I wasn't an alkie! Nope... got that pounded in my head the first few months out of rehab. Anyway... that's pretty cool ... Even though I did throw away that dry date in April... I still got those sober days invested... well... into LIFE. I'm pleased. |
My boss hates the smell of bleach. Well, BLEACH is my favorite cleaner! Because it KILLS bacteria! I think the smell of DEAD germs smells wonderful! This morning… I mopped, cleaned windows… bleached the breakroom. My boss walks in and goes… “Phewww” and curls her nose up at me…  Hey! Deal with it! My mom is the same way, I told her… but that still doesn’t stop me!  I found a new rug in salvage, my old rug was looking nasty… this one is bluish and it lights up the room. We had the electric guys out here yesterday and the fixed all the florescent lights… so it’s like I’m in the spot light or something. It’s BRIGHT! I told them when they left, Thanks for lighting up my life! I also found a really cool picture. It has about 12 people sitting in a canoe, all our padding and in big words it says: TEAMWORK, smaller words underneath it says: Team is the ability to work together toward a common vision. The ability to direct individual accomplishment toward organizational objectives, It is the fuel that allows common people to attain uncommon results. I thought that was really cool! It’s like right in front of me; I can’t help but stare up at it throughout the day. I woke up at 10 till 7AM this morning. YEAH! I’m supposed to be at work at 7AM. I was a little late… I can’t come to work without a shower and I can’t come without blow drying my hair cause it’s cold, but I didn’t put on my face till I got here… Sarah called in yesterday but showed back up today. She just walked by and I told her… Sarah, come here… you look like shit, what’s going on? Your face is all sunk in… and your eyes are bloodshot? She doesn’t have her teeth in! OMG I felt like a bitch! LOL … she forgot to bring her glue or something… I guess that explains the SUNKEN in look… Sometimes I put my foot in my mouth! Really I woke up at 4:30 this morning and decided I wanted more sleep… didn’t reset the alarm… and Meow slacked on her morning duties. Just when I’m depending on her, she falls back… FIGURES! The scriptures that are taped to my desk: And Moses cried unto the Lord, saying, What shall I do? .. And the Lord said unto Moses, GO ON! And Moses did so. Exodus 17:4-6 I know the thoughts and plans I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome. Jeremiah 29:11 Those are two of my favorites, but really they are all my favorites! I was feeling restless last night, but I just kept telling myself… this will pass… ride it out… and Today I am feeling much better! I’m in a good state of mind… ready to conquer the world! Let me go so I can git r did! Another note to self, taped up under my keyboard: Choose this day whom you will serve, the flesh or the spirit? Last but not least: Above all that I put on, I put on love. I clothe myself with behavior marked by mercy, tender hearted pity, kind feeling, a lowly opinion of myself, gentle and patient ways. I have the power to endure whatever comes with good temper. I cam gentle and forbearing with others and, if I have a difference or grievance with someone, even as the Lord has forgiven me, I also forgive others. Dang… I should read that every morning huh! Might save me a few tit fits.  Be blessedI guess I got to work now.... Dawn: Are you busy>? Jennifer: that's a trick question Dawn: yes. Jennifer: what you need? Dawn: easy...type up the names of the architects into a word document and print it so I can access it later and save you work Jennifer: sure |
| What’s for dinner babe? Macaroni and Cheese… HEY! But I got my ROCK and NEW outfit to cheer me up! Two more days till payday… I’m gonna see if my mother wants to go eat some Chinese food on payday… sounds soooo yummy about right now. I’m grumpy! I know… hard to believe… I’m just so sleepy. I came home for the lunch hour and even set my alarm… I lay there and just zoned on my bed. Meow sat on my backside… left a nice little pile of white hair for me to wear back to work. I’m just run down… It is time… but it ain’t acting right! Doesn’t help that I forget to take my hormone pill every other day … and see it’s suppose to work out where I (you know) Start… the day I start taking the white pills… but since I forget to take the pink pills at least four times a month… it throws it all out of whack. I guess that’s why… or else I’m just a WHACK job anyway… Yep… made me feel good to help guy out this morning. I was kind of short with him at first until I saw just how sick he was. I just had a lot of things going on and I was going to send him down the street to get a food box… but after he collapsed on the sofa… and I touched his forehead… I was like… DAMN! He was in pretty bad shape. The warehouse manager wouldn’t let me dig in salvage for him some medicine … but I dug in my desk and got him some allergy meds, aspirins and throat spray… poured it all down his throat, gave him a cold glass of water… and a hot cup of coffee… told him to drink as much fluids as he can to help the medicine dissolve quickly. He was moaning and just almost in tears. He was shivering because he was so cold and it wasn’t THAT cold outside. He sat there for a good thirty minutes… and I warmed up a can of soup. He devoured it, dude WAS hungry! Within that thirty minutes I saw him come back to life…so to speak. He could barely hold his own body up when he walked in the door… he kept his eyes closed, his head in his hands… man… it reminded me of my sick days. Being sick SUCKS! He kept saying, thank you… God Bless you… over and over till it was just annoying, but he was just real grateful. When I put the soup in front of him…he was just MOANING… saying how warm it was … MAN he was sick! I asked how long he had been sick and he said about a week or so. I’m like, DUDE you got to get to the doctor. He said he couldn’t afford a doctor… Well, go to the emergency room. They will at least give you a shot of antibiotic. When he left, his eyes were open… he even had the strength to carry a 40lb food box out… I was going to do it for him but he refused… it was really cool to be in the position to help someone. I felt like my mother… I played a game of pool with John on yahoo today and I lost! He asked if I wanted to bet on something and it reminded me of something me and my ex husband would bet with…  and since I thought I was gonna win I told John about it… and damn the luck if he didn’t knock in his last three balls one after the other… ending with the eight ball! He came downstairs just right after, said he was here to collect… … NO… I didn’t say the bet was ON… just made a statement… nothing more. I dragged ass basically all day… even this morning. Even though I curled my do and looked cute… I didn’t feel so cute today… just damn tired! I’m fatigued! But I did get a big dent in my job duties… so this is good. I still got to order those damn Christmas cards… FORGOT! I’ve had a lot of people come in for food boxes lately. I don’t know what’s up with that. I made a comment in passing to some of the office staff about it… and I heard them as I walked away making comment about how the news has got around town that I’m working the front desk. It wasn’t a nice comment either… it was with a hateful tone… Hell I’m use to it from these certain people. They go to church every Wednesday and Sunday… got their bible sitting on the dash of their car for everyone to see… but won’t left a finger to help another person. Oh but for the Grace of God…. There go I… If that was really what Christianity is all about… I would have nothing to do with it… but them folks got it ALL back asswards! What REALLY sucks is they are out there flaunting their bibles and writing Jesus Loves you on the board… then in the same moment… verbally attack another person… disrespect or just ignore someone that reaches out for help. My first thought this morning when dude collapsed on the futon… what if this is Jesus in disguise? Here I am with my Praise and Worship turned up … got my scriptures taped to my desk… my Joyce Meyer Calendar right out for the world to see… You know it’s not only the food bank that I am representing… I’m representing CHRIST. I’m just so thankful that my head ain’t stuck in my butt like them goodie girls in the back. It really makes me sad for them. And really it’s just ONE that I am speaking of… Big B. Yep, you may remember me blogging about her before. I like her… really I do… she has a ‘take charge’ personality. She can be professional for the most part… but she likes to test you… and if she thinks she can run you over… She damn sure will! She knows that I am not a doormat… I can be soft, but I can be mean too… yep… she tested me and we almost scraped it out right there in the front office. Hell ever since then, she is nice as she can be to me. I’m nice to her too… but I was always nice… I know how to put on the fu-fu… learned that back a long time ago. HONESTLY… she acts just like a damn dog… if she smells fear… she comes at you full force. If not… she is wagging her little tail and licking her chops, like a little harmless puppy. I haven’t heard anymore from Randy. I never responded to his last letter and I’m not going too. Shelly told me I need to clean out my work area… said there is a reminisce of darkness there… and it made me think of him and that situation we created with each other. She didn’t tell me how to clean it out though… we got sidetracked on something else… I guess maybe I should just say… “BE GONE EVIL MEMORIES!” I do and have pleaded the Blood of Christ all over the food bank. Yep! I was raised Baptist…well… I was given the option of riding the bus to church if I wanted … and it was a Baptist Church that my mother had me plugged into… but I lean more towards Charismatic Christianity in my adult years. I never have spoke in tongues … I tried once but felt real stupid… but I do believe in anointing oil… and all the gifts of the spirit. I also think women can be in the pulpit if God has called them to do so! This same Baptist church that I rode the bus to as a child a few times… later, my husband and I became members and we were baptized together and stuff… well an elder in the church told me that Joyce Meyer was NOT of God because GOD does not support women in the pulpit. Wheww… that lit a fire under my butt! I was SOOO upset that he said that and I went to the library and spent two full days there researching the scriptures where Paul told the women to be quiet in the church. OH YEAH… and he never would listen to my rebuttal but I found understanding within myself and that’s all that matters! What really ticked me off was that he influenced my husband to believe the same way. Anyway… Tommy was easy to influence none the less… he wasn’t real bright… obviously still isn’t… he never was real good at making decisions for himself… blame it on the OVERLY dominating MOTHER… yep! That’s what I think… I am rambling bad… I didn’t go to a meeting tonight. I’m just grumpy! And wanted to be in my PJ’s and curl up with my bowl of Mac & Cheese and watch a little TV… I really should watch something other than sad and depressing stuff. I need something to inspire me! Give me that fuzzy feeling I so love to have! I really need some loving… or I really want some loving… I feel lonely a little… but I know I’m never really alone. |
| A man just walked in sick as hell! OMG... He can barely walk... He asked for some food... and just fell over on the sofa... I felt his head, my GOD I can't believe he walking around! I fixed him a bowl of soup... gave him some medicine, Sherry jumped my ass for giving out meds... I don't give a damn! this man is SICk... So we hooked him up with some food... I gave him some of my sinus medicine, aspirins and this throat spray that I keep stocked in my desk drawer. I saw him visibly start to feel better... and I begged him to go to the emergency room, says he has been like this for a week now and hasn't eaten anything in two days. He told me as he walked out... if no one has told you today that they love you... I want you to know I love you and you are so appreciated. Oh.... made my day He is driving a nice truck but he looks like hell! I'm thinking an addict... Gawd, the hell we put ourselves through... back to work ! |
| http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1UrmP-y8BnM Here's JJ's SONG! I'm missing him today. JJ is my nephew... for those that don't know. He lives in Florida and came to visit me in June and part of July this Summer. This is the song we kept catching the tail end of on the radio so I downloaded it for him and woke him up to it one morning. Also, I wrote the lyrics in his scrapebook that I made for him. It's his favorite song... Now everytime I hear it ... I always think of JJ. He turned 13 September 29th. Have a good HUMP DAY! I need to really force myself to stay off of WDC and get caught up with alot of crap here at work. The holidays always make me busy! LOVE YOU Long time! |
| On the way home from work I felt like an old man with a bobbin’ head. Ever seen one of them? I know you have! Man, It hit me just right before lunch hour… I was so tired. I think I’m still dragging from the weekend but in the mornings I’m so high on life I don’t feel it, but it sure hits my ass in the afternoon. I came home from work, was going to lay down and decide what to do next… so what’s the next right thing for me? I just now woke up… took a minute to figure out if it was 9AM or 9PM… Where am I? What life is this? Who’s that green guy next to me? Thankfully it was just frogger and he don’t snore… * Jen wipes forehead * Now I can’t stop yawning. My brain is begging for oxygen. My eyes are tearing. It’ stuffy in here… I haven’t been able to breathe since this cold front came through. SUCKS! Breathing is just one of those things I enjoy doing… call me silly… but having to struggle for breath just bites a big one! I’m so damn thirsty! Other than all the above… I’m damn good! So… What’s been happening? Justin has won Custody of his 12 year old son, Dustin… who looks just like Justin… and resembles JJ a lot except JJ has long hair and a much calmer personality. During a dance Saturday at the mountain… Some other kid punched little Dustin in the nose; blood was pouring from his face. I tripped! Ran up to him wanting to baby him like he was JJ or something. He is looking at Justin with this expression of “Who is this chick?” and Justin was giving him the ‘talk’ as I helped clean the blood off his face. Asked him if he hit the boy back? And Dustin said, NO… and Justin said… GOOD son! And I said, WTF? You’re encouraging him to take a punch and turn the other cheek? I mean I guess that’s the way God wants it but I just have a hard time with that! Blood was POURING down this kids face and my first thought was fight for yourself BOY! SHOW them little twigs who they are messing with!! Justin said, “Bubba is way bigger than those boys… he’ll hurt them too badly”… and I guess he had a point there. This is one BIG KID… He is actually built bigger than JJ… and JJ is a big kid! When I was a kid… and I got in a fight, the first question I was asked was how much damage did the other kid get? … Oh hell yeah, I stomped that ass! Rather it was true or not… so I was floored to hear Justin say… you did good son, by walking away from the fight. Justin cares for me. This is the first time I have seen him in a while and he had that glow in his eyes when he told me he had missed me. Funny… the night Shelly and I stayed up talking… she asked, with no inclination of a thing… “So what is it with Justin?” So I go into explaining that he likes me… blah blah blah… she said, no what is it with you towards Justin? Well… I thought for a minute… Justin is familiar to me. He had that familiarity on him the first day I met him. He reminds me of my brother in a lot of ways. Shelly said that when I get around Justin, I tense up… I bring the wall up high… I’ve not really thought of it before… but it’s true. I don’t know how to explain it… but there is just a familiarity about him… from even before I knew him. I think he feels it to but he is attracted to it. It makes me want to pull back. And that’s all I got to say about that… I had a man call today asking for food. I was giving him my spiel about being a warehouse but let me give you some names and numbers of our agencies… and he asked to speak to my SUPERVISOR! I got a little pee’d! Turns out… the pastor of the church I use to go to referred him to ME… and he said there is a lady I’m suppose to talk too… but I can’t remember her name… I said, YEAH her name is JENNIFER and this is HER. I’m trying to HELP you and I would gladly let you talk to my supervisor if you had a legitimate reason! I’m telling you to call these agencies and THEY will assist you… They get their product from US! He says, But pastor Doug said Jennifer would deliver the food box if I asked her. I don’t know… but when he asked to speak to my supervisor… I just got real pissy! Cause I was doing my job and honestly going above and beyond for him. There is NO one that is above me as far as handing out food boxes… my boss is out of town this entire week or I would have gave the call to her… BUT I’m it when she is gone! THE BUCK STOPS HERE! And baby… I got ten dollars to last me till Friday in fuel and you think my SUPERVISOR is going to convince me to deliver you a food box… When I’m offering you the same help, I do every other person that crosses my path!? Well I can’t explain it… but his attitude did not go well with mine… acting like he some kind of paying customer and wanting to speak to someone else because I wasn’t giving him the service he wanted… Then I had another call… a lady asking for food but she didn’t want no beans or rice, she needed some eggs and milk… some meat! I’m like… lady… We ain’t no free grocery store… ok… I didn’t say that… but I did tell her that we can only give what we have… and our mission is to keep you ALIVE long enough for you to go out and earn money to purchase your own groceries… our mission is not to cater to your every taste bud! * Roll eyes * Ok… I didn’t say it like that either… but I damn sure wanted too. We are hiring for some big wig position in the back of the office and I’m talking a lot with those sending in resumes. I’m mailing out job descriptions and stuff… I had a sharp dressed man walk in the other day and I just assumed he was there to turn in his resume… turns out he was there for food. Floored me!! I hooked him up good too! I’m so use to seeing addicts and street people coming in for a bite to eat… that I forgot that people just like me… struggle from time to time. IT took a lot of BALLS for him to walk in like that… I tried to start up a conversation but he backed away from it… he was embarrassed but was hiding it. I asked “ You new in town?” Cause I figured he had just moved here from somewhere and was struggling to get started… he answered, no… and didn’t dive deeper… so I let it go, got him some vittles and told him where he can go if in the future he is still in need. Anyway! Enough SHOP TALK! What else is there to talk about? I found a bloody foot in salvage. I’m thinking about hanging it outside my car trunk… But instead I put it where it’s sticking up from under my desk up at work. Volunteer Mike that comes every day with Christian rehab… screamed out… OH MY GOD! … hehehe… got him good…I put big and scary guy in the closet cause I was pee’d off that his middle finger was sticking up at me last Wednesday morning. Mike keeps crying cause he wants him back out… but I wont do it cause I have people of all kinds coming through the doors there and if I don’t happen to catch it one day… after the kids done stuck his finger up… it could be very offensive to some of my little ol’ lady church volunteers. I told John he could have big scary guy for his office in the back. John asked me today to help him write a resignation letter, said he isn’t coming back after Christmas. He is going back to Ft Worth where his family is. Hell NO! I ain’t helping you do that! I want John to stay… cause I don’t want to go through the hassle of training no one else! Not that I train them back there… but I damn sure suffer the consequences if they don’t know what their doing! But… Life goes on… People come and go… I’ve seen a lot of them come in and out in just the few years I’ve been there. John and I been working together for the last two years and we have just recently started warming up to each other. We use to never joke or play and now it’s just a daily thing. This morning I went running up into his arms cause I was freezing! I told him to warm me up! He told me to meet him in his office in five…  He had on some thick cologne and I LOVE the smell of men’s cologne. I told him that… but then said…well on you… not on me… and then back tracked… and said, well if it rubs off on me… that’s just fine…  He said he’d be glad to rub off on me anytime I’m ready… hahaha… Sarah called in this morning. The back office just explodes with laughter… I think the Seasons change has made every one a little happier… something! But I noticed today the laughter coming from the back… and this is not a normal thing. John is fun to play with. We both know that it ain’t nothing… Yeah, I know John would do me… John would do a hole in the wall… but it’s a lot of friendly flirting and playing around and it’s nice to have someone to do that with… someone I know isn’t going to take it wrong or try to take it for what it’s worth… He and Carla are still friends but nothing like they were… her husband is out of rehab now and you can tell the difference in her and John ‘s relationship. I really don’t get how she can be so OK with it. People just don’t have a conscious these days. It’s so easy to block it out or justify. I’ve been single for a while now and I guess I have just learned to appreciate someone to love… and that loves in return, through the single years. I did some things wrong back in my marriage. Marriage is hard work! I was thinking this morning bright and early… just how cool it is to be single. It’s just all about me! The sky is the limit! I have no husband, no kids… to consider… it’s what ever JENNIFER wants… That rocks! I ain’t got no loving in over 3 months! Even then, the loving kind of sucked… I always envied the ladies that haven’t been purged by no man in years… you know… just waiting around for the right one… the right time… and now I’m one of em! I claimed an abstinence dry date… and I’m sticking to it… it really is easy since I don’t get drunk no more! Here lately, I ain’t even been horny! Believe it or not… Skittles told me at the mountain that he wanted to stop by this week and visit… my first thought was … Why? I didn’t say that either… but I’m thinking… what’s the point? Honestly, outside of the walls of AA… there just ain’t much common ground between us. I’d be inclined to join him for some meetings or even church … but it’s not a good idea for him to be alone with me in my apartment. IN FACT, that is against my sponsor’s suggestions… HEY, I can use that as an excuse. My sponsor has said she doesn’t want me alone with a man… it’s ok to be in a group… but she doesn’t recommend I let a man in my home… just one on one… You know… MEN are mind altering DRUGS! Honestly! I’ve been strung out on MEN for a LONG TIME… not all men… and honestly Skittles doesn’t produce the effect in me… that I long for… But STILL … I’d rather be writing. Just like Cocaine… I never got out of it what others claim. It just wasn’t my drug of choice… neither is Skittles. I’m being kind of crude aren’t I! Hey! I am what I am! I had someone email me asking if I was really a witch … they reviewed my siggy from bugzy is baaaccck!!   … and said… this may be none of my business, but are you really a witch? I have yet to respond… I just don’t know what to say! Well… Tomorrow is HUMP day! It’s all down hill… up hill… something from here! I guess I’ve said All I got to say… and I hear my name being whispered by Frogger. He wants me back in the bed… he longs for my snuggliness…. BYE BYE NOW! Hey God loves you... and so do I ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| An email from Mom: Hi Sis: Yes it was cold today. 94 degrees yesterday and 64 degrees today--doesn't make sense. I am glad you had a good weekend. Sometime we all just need to get away. That lady that sees spirits sounds interesting. Just be careful and take what she says for what it is--interesting. Make sure that all the things she tells you agrees with what the Bible teaches. Hope you have a good day. Love you very much, Mom My mom rocks! She fed and checked in on Meow for me Saturday and I came home to a card from her on Sunday. Mom is a card giver. She is such a sweet lady. I didn’t feel like blogging last night! I even went to sleep early, like at 9PM. I did go to the 5:30 meeting which in turn left me getting back to the home front at 7PM. I cooked myself some breakfast for dinner and then curled up under the blankets and watched a few episodes of Forensic Files. Spooked myself to the point of ensuring all doors were secure before nodding off. I am like a little kid with a new toy concerning my rock. I call it ‘My Rock”… my amethyst stone that I gifted myself on sixty days. It just amazes me that it is my birthstone, it also stands for sobriety. I never knew this till Shelly told me and of course I researched and confirmed she was telling the truth. I carry it with me everywhere! I meditate with it. I damn near sleep with it! I’m obsessed! I have indentions in my palm from clutching that stone! Carla asked what song I’m gonna be stuck on today! LOL … I get stuck on a song and I play it over and over… She says ‘Rainy days and Mondays’ is still stuck in her head from me last week! Well today it’s another song, I was singing this one in the shower this morning. http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=2hVeZJA8rJ4 I emailed it to my mom too… I have such an obsessive personality! I get stuck on something, someone… and It takes an act of GOD to get me off of it! I got to pray specifically for my obsessions. This is something Shelly suggested to me this weekend. Some are healthier than others… but all that totally consume me will eventually hurt or hinder. Well hell, I’ve used alcohol and dope in LETHAL quantities for the last 15 years… I guess listening to a song 20 times a day, clicking on someone’s blog 20 times a day, clinging to a purple stone or watching 20 music videos a day… or even smoking two packs of cigarettes a day… and drinking a gallon of coffee every morning… just ain’t so bad. It could be worse! I could be numb. Instead I’m ALIVE! I’m going to the noon meeting today. So here’s my schedule: Monday 5:30 meeting, Tuesday Noon meeting cause Greta chairs, Wednesday 5:30 meeting cause Penny chairs, Thursday 5:30 meeting cause my sponsor is there… and Friday… whatever the hell I want to do! I need to start getting around to different groups on the weekend… Damn I forgot to take meds again… two days now. Forgot vitamins at home too… damn damn… and I’m not going home for lunch, so screw it! For as he thinks within himself, So he is… Proverbs 23:7 I need to work real hard on how I think about myself. You know, I really am a winner. I want to study nature, it fascinates me. All spiritual matters fascinate me! It’s the Pisces rising in me that does it! I looked yesterday for a little wooden box at a few stores but never found one. I want a little wooden box to store my keepsakes in. I’ll keep looking… God don’t make no junk. I have a problem with discarding people sometimes. I’m weird in that if I like someone it don’t matter what they do… I justify or at least understand… but if I don’t like someone… I tend to block them completely out… when I heard someone say, God don’t make junk… it made me realize how I can learn something from everyone… even if it’s what I don’t want to be. He’s so much more than just a thump on the head when we do something wrong. When you wake up, what is the first thought that crosses your mind? What is the first issue that presents itself? An ideal time to listen to ourselves is when we are laying quietly, our defenses are down, and were open and most vulnerable. We can define recovery goals by listening to the morning messages. This morning, I grabbed my rock and warmed myself under the covers… the thought of just how blessed I truly am… is what my mind was consumed with. The colder weather makes me happy. I got a nice good nights rest… I woke up singing and dancing… Meow thought I had lost my mind. I scooped her up in my arms and twirled her around. She wanted to feel my forehead for a temperature. I have very little care about my physical appearance, which is so unlike me but the truth is… no matter how much we doll up, if we ain’t right inside… then our outer beauty only attracts that which is unneeded. I’m claiming attraction over promotion! I need to go to work! Let me go! |
| http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4ySSg4QG8g Hey! It’s cold out there! The high today is 63 degrees! Right now it’s in the 40’s! Yep… a little nippy! I heard this song on the way to work this morning and it grabbed my attention. I remember my step dad mentioning this song to m several weeks ago but I hadn’t heard it until today. I like! John put a potato on my desk for me to find! Looks like butt cheeks! He says that shows where my mind is because he thought it looked like a heart. Hahaha… It’s a beautiful Monday here for me. I have much to do at the office. I came in this morning and my peace lily was withered and dry! Poor baby! I been kissing her little leafy butt all morning… she is perking up now, gave her a big drink of water. My allergies are kicking in cause of the weather, when I walked in this morning John screams out: “Oh my GOD… Where are your eyes?” I didn’t put them on this morning until after I got to work… they were too puffy and watery to mess with! And Joyce’s word is just all about where I am right now! What a trip!  One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek, inquire for, and [insistently] require: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord [in His presence] all the days of my life.... —Psalm 27:4 Years ago I set myself to seek only the one thing in life that is most needful, the presence of the Lord. It has not been easy, but as a result of seeking that one thing I have experienced more of the things I truly want and need—more joy, greater peace, and increased stability. In Luke 10:41, 42 NIV, speaking of His presence, Jesus said to Martha, "You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed...." I challenge you to join me and multiplied thousands of others who are hearing the higher call to seek the one thing that is most needful. ~ Joyce Meyer, daily word http://www.joycemeyer.org/OurMinistries/EverydayAnswers/DailyWord/onethinghaveia... Oh by the way! Sarah still has her job. The warehouse manager had a long talk with her and she ended up working things out... Shelly told me this weekend that Sarah will be back to recovery... I hope everyone has a great day! - The self is not something that one finds. It is something that one creates. ~ Thomas Szasz |
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