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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
| The shit is starting to fly. And it will NOT distribute evenly! NOPE! My step dad called up and talked to the redheaded asshole that manages this complex I live in. He said she started out being grouchy but quickly retreated. Mike is one of them old guys that ain’t afraid to get up in your shit if need be. She makes the comment to him… “Well, Jennifer hasn’t called me but once. She should have called me every time the electric bill was so high.” That really irked me … it’s like she is turning this on me. I find it very difficult to muster up respect for such people. As a matter of FACT, I have spoke with her TWICE about this. I have spoke to her BOSS once about this and then I called and spoke to her ASSISTANT who BY the WAY… suggested I have the electric company change out my meter and also gave me approval to hire my own A/C man to come check it out. That BITCH can not say she did NOT know about this situation! I gave my step-dad the names and dates. I also informed him that maintenance man was falling over DRUNK when he installed this A/C unit and though I ain’t one to try to get no one in trouble… if it comes down to it… fuck Scott! He should be in AA right along with me! My dollar bills are flying the fuck away and something has GOT to give! I am awaiting a return call from my sponsor’s son, who lives in the same complex and has the same size unit. I’m going to see if he will share with me how much he pays for electricity a month. Jen focuses hard on breathing… in…slowly exhaling…. In…. Out…. In…. Out… I need a hot shower to loosen up my back and neck… An Angel says… Lessons in life are like school—if we don’t learn them the first time we get the opportunity to repeat them until we do learn them. Now THERE’S  some good NEWS!  I was just on the phone with my step-dad and I sneezed, He screams out “What? Don’t holler at me!”  I told him how much I appreciate him helping me out with this, he said I was more than welcome... Sigh…I’m starting my day over right now… No doubt it’s been a Monday. I didn’t even put on makeup today until the lunch hour!  I’ve had a sinus headache for the last few days… ears are ringing… nose is stuffy… eyes are heavy. The phone rang off the hook… like as if we are the best little whorehouse warehouse in Texas! My boss lady utilized me more in this day than she has all year! I was running all over the place… grabbing the phone as I passed through… putting them on hold to answer another line. Even FOR ME it got hectic and I get a high off of multitasking as I did today… So it was cool … but I’m wore the hell out… I would be in a good mood if it wasn’t for the electric crap. And well… another issue… but I just can’t seem to find the words to express it. My most favorite part of the day is when I first wake up. Though… I have to beat my own ass up out of the bed… I love my morning shower. Oh … it rocks! I have formed the habit of laying my arms crossways on the shower tile and resting my head on the forearm that’s on top… and I just zone. This is when I do some of my praying. Many times… I don’t even know what to say… I just say His name in my mind. Most of my prayers are a simple “Thank you and I love you”. I am really a woman of few words, spoken anyway. Much of my family is quiet and are soft spoken people. My mom use to tell me… “It’s better to remain quiet and be thought a fool then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” My step dad isn’t quiet… no, he is a talker. My mom, my dad, my brother, my nephew… both my grandfathers, all quiet… grandma’s were more talkative but still soft spoken… there’s no one I can recall that is loud or obnoxious in my family… well except me… when I’m drunk! When sober… I’m different. I’m not shy. I use to be when I was a kid… but not now… not unless I’m around a guy that I think is hot or something… and that hasn’t happened in sobriety… it’s not shyness and it’s not that I’m stuck up… I’m just not a motor mouth. Why am I harping on this? I don’t know. Maybe because Hal called on me to speak at the meeting today and I told them I just wanted to listen. He pops back … “When are you ever going to start talking?” And I snapped back, “When I got something to say.” It came across as shitty; many people in the room made the ‘ooohhhh’ ‘she told you’ remarks… I really didn’t mean it like that and I went up to him after the meeting and hugged him. I’m just not going to sit there and scrape my brain or run my mouth about something that I don’t feel led to talk about? Know what I mean? I’m not going to start saying shit just for the sake of hearing myself talk. When I got something to say… I talk… but if I don’t… I’m not going to waste your time OR mine trying to make racket… I’d rather pass and let someone else share. I’ve let it rip up in that club before… but tonight’s topic was about honesty and self-examination… I’m honest! Hell… I was pretty much honest back when I was drinking and using… well unless it would have got my ass in a bind to tell the truth… or unless it would have made me look a fool… or if it had to do with dope, money or men… ok… I was a big fat liar! One of my biggest problems is that I spend too much time focused on my liabilities and not enough time on my assets. During the meeting I told myself to “Go home and write down all the stuff you do right.” I just might do that but not on here… it’s hard for me to look at my good stuff. Is that normal? And when I do look at what I do right… my head grows! That’s why I have to consider the source at all times… without Him I am nothing. And that’s a fact! I don’t want to HEAR no debates about it! One thing I heard at the meeting that stuck out to me. A man named Walt said… “The thing about the disease of alcoholism is that it has to be self diagnosed.” It’s an inside job. Like I’ve said a million times before, alcohol is but a symptom… so is dope, gambling, overeating, promiscuity… you name it! If someone came to you and blurted out… YOU’RE A SLUT… You need to recognize! What would be your first reaction? Mine would be UP YOURS… who are you to tell me what I am… So… what I couldn’t say earlier… for lack of words… is what I’m saying now… I have to let people be what they are and what they choose to become. I sent Sarah one of the baby faces I’ve posted on my blog… it said something about friends forgiving each other and she wrote me back telling me how much she missed me and she wants me to know she's doing her best. I asked her if she is ready for recovery yet… and she told me no. My first thought was to point out to her all the reasons she NEEDS to be ready for recovery but instead I just told her… “I want you to be happy whatever you do”. She said she was. I found myself doubting my own recovery on my way to the meeting tonight. What’s the point? Asking myself if I am happy? What are you doing all this for? There’s really not even a glimmer of that pot of gold that’s supposed to be on the other side of the rainbow? Some days I don’t even see the colors of the rainbow very clearly… am I really happy? Then I remembered what my days were like a year ago… I wouldn’t trade my WORST day spent in sobriety for one of the BEST days I had buzzed. Not that I don’t like the buzz… Cause I DO! I don’t like the days that follow it. I sure don’t like the barriers that booze puts between the real high and me. |
I emailed myself 5 times today. I have yet to get a response.  I took a babyoil bath… no bubbles. I went to the store and I ran into Brandi again. I feel led to reach out to her. She said she was mad about some things. I wasn’t but half ass listening. When I was in prayer and meditation later in the day… she came to my mind. I should have listened better. I am going to call her this week. I ate breakfast for dinner… AGAIN! Sunny side up! Yesss… I decided it’s going to be beans and rice, beans and rice, beans and more rice… all week long. These electric bills have knocked me out of the game. I’m MAD! Actually… I’m fine with it… I’ll get my money back, one way or another. I got a plan … I’m fixing to bust loose on Ms. Landlady over there. It’s GOT to be my A/C unit… that’s all it could be. I read a few pages from my big book regarding the 12th step: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. I’m once bitten twice shy. My sponsor knows it. She told me that experience with Sarah wasn’t about me. She kept telling me I did my best. She’s right. I’m over it. It’s not the one’s that need it that get it… it’s the one’s that want it. We must WANT anything in order to pursue it. I’m listening to baseball from my bedroom TV. I’m in the dining room. I have no idea why I’m listening to baseball. It’s the World Series! Yeah… but I still have no idea why I’m listening to baseball. I just landed there during my flippin’. My mom and Mike stopped by today. They were just in the neighborhood, didn’t stay long. I took a two hour nap after they left. An Angel says: it doesn’t matter what you are thought to be --- only what you are. Well… it’s past my bedtime… Work will be awaiting me in the morning. I guess I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Good Night... |
| Here I am attempting to write eight random things about myself. Yes… I know this blew over like weeks ago… and that’s just like me… I’m always a day late or a dollar short. I tried to think of stuff that y’all may not know about me… cause well, you know I talk blog so much… I just let it all rip and well, you know everything… so I tried hard and this is what I came up with. Jen clears throat Drum roll please… 1. I love breakfast foods. Eggs, Sausage, Bacon, Ham, Biscuits, Gravy, Toast, Jelly, Hash browns, Cold Milk Break fast foods are so YUMMY! I’m a break fast making kind of gal… and doesn’t have to be early morning… any time of the day is good for breakfast. Last week I bought and tasted real butter for the first time in my life! Yep. I’ve just always been a Margarine eater. I’m not all that impressed with real butter either. * shrug * 2. I am a woman disciple. ( If you think this statement means I’m acting holier than thou… go do some research} 3. I can see right through you, even through your words. Yes, this does include YOU. 4. I smoke menthol cigarettes. This change came about with recovery. I use to smoke full flavor 100’s, now I’m menthol light 100’s. {Hey, they say change everything!) 5. I talk to my cat. She talks back, but it’s in her cat language. I talk to myself a lot but I don’t talk back because I don’t ask myself any questions. 6. I’m saving my money to go to a Joyce Meyer Conference. The closest she has been to Odessa is Houston, TX. I think I’ve saved $2.50 already.  7. I am an old soul. 8. Those that read my blog know more about me than anyone in my life. Including my dear sweet lovable mother and my sponsor. I write more than I talk. OK… There we have it! Mission complete. |
| http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6sa-4A7RrP8 I'm going to have to work the steps on my addiction to Youtube! Is there a YouTube Anonymous group? ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| One night back in my wild days. I was at a party with my ex-husbands cousin… yeah. He actually was a connect I used … is the only reason I stayed in touch with him but he had a little thing for me. Well you know my ex-in laws all did each other… inbred nasty people. Oh that wasn’t nice! Sorry Anyways, Billy was a roadie for a local band and I tagged along one night… I was high as high is… yes I was… I barely remember… only cause I clicked on this song… the song remembers when… doesn’t it.. Anyway, the lead singer didn’t show up for some reason and they asked anyone out in the audience if they wanted to sing along with the band and my drunk ass went up there. They played this song  and I knew every word… just so happened. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKadLUXcLJc It was a hit. We jammed and had a blast. I ended up do a couple other songs with em’ until vocals showed up… I’m just a trippin’ down memory lane… Is it daylight savings? I’m just wondering cause my puter said it was… but last time it was all backwards? I’m confused! |
| http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zu3IqpnjfUs I been on my hands and knees scrubbing the tile floors cause I broke my mop and forgot to buy another! Ok... 5 loads down 5 more to go breaks over! UPDATE 3:11PM I have worn myself out... but I did get lots of stuff done. IT smells so fresh and clean in my apartment. I did deep cleaning... which uh doesn't get done often around here. HEY I’m a WORKING WOMAN OKAY? I got my bathtub clean... and it was NASTY... I had to scrub a good thirty minutes but now I can bathe and let calgon take me away! I scrubbed my bathroom floor cause I use that Aussie Aerosol scrunch spray, you know in the purple bottle? And it makes my bathroom floor sticky and when I walk barefoot in there I STICK…my foot actually ripped a tile out cause it stuck so good to it… really sucked… hurt my foot too… so since I broke my mop the last time I used it… uh about six months ago… I had to get down and dirty… hands and knees… I still need to clean off my patio… bring in all my plants cause of the season’s change… I still need to trash the old fish tank… I’ll prolly just clean it up and store it or give it away. I have way too much shit! It’s just ridiculous, but I don’t want to part with any of it. I will be moving around the first of the year and definitely gonna have to find a bigger place. I have two loads out drying and two more to do… but it’s naptime… I’m whooped. I was tired when I woke up this morning really… I’m going to shut down this ol’ computer, go get me a whopper from BK… after I fold the clothes drying and take a quick shower to get the pinesol and bleach smell off of me. This computer keeps giving me shit … still squiggly wiggly… HEY THIS YEAR… I’m getting a new puter with my income tax! FOR REAL… I’m NOT going to blow it on dope! NOPE to DOPE. After my nap… I need to dust… (I hate dusting and cleaning the bathtub and mopping and well laundry) DAMN I hate it all … hey but I don’t mind dishes… I like splashing around in the water. And I have a fetish about vacuuming. I hate it when stuff sticks to my bare feet… just irks me. But Hey… Progress not perfection, it’s my day off and I wanna enjoy it! I’ve got the kitchen and bathroom knocked out… most of the laundry… so now it’s just dusting ironing and going through all the CRAP that is sitting around with no place to get put… I have briefcases, piles of papers… books… bags… JUST SHIT! Seashells, I have seashells going out my wazoo and I don’t even really like seashells I should give them to Shelly, she collects em’. They are cool ones too… big and pretty but they just don’t strike my fancee. I’m into Angels in the living room. Apples in the kitchen. Purple roses in the bathroom. Cowboys in the bedroom… hubba hubba… no really… I do have a lot of cowboy stuff but my bedroom is just the color of my comforter… green… green is my favorite color. Yep… green and black… and well purple is cool… and red… well there are no colors I don’t like… except maybe orange. Orange is just orangy. My ears are ringing… I need a sinus pill… I hate it when they fooooommmmm fooooommmm like that… just sucks, I think that’s why I don’t feel good… anyways, I am just typing and don’t knw what I’m even trying to say… so BYE BYE now! I have several responses to make… and I’m going to be poppin in and giving some reviews to some special folks but first I need a nap and a burger and a bath. I shall return… don’t count me out just yet. |
| http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vEN4o0Af_zE I woke up with this song in MY HEAD! It was a force I had to rekon with it... SO I youtubed! I KNOW... I promised myself I wouldnt wake up thinking about YOUTUBE~ I'll do better next time. I feel asleep with my rock last night and now it’s lost in my mountain of a bed. I have much to do today. Going to the bank… the grocery store… I need cleaning supplies… Then I’m gonna wash my car cause it’s damn nasty… and I have about 10 load of laundry to do. I SUCK with the laundry thing… Even when I had my own washer and dryer… I still sucked with the laundry thing… I have much cleaning to do too. I must be moving along now! LOVE YA UPDATE: OK... So I went to the bank... got me some cash and some laundry quarters... decided I would swing by McDonalds and get my favorite breakfast... Sausage Biscuit with egg and cheese... And then I had this idea to go to the duck pond across from my apartments on the UTPB campus and eat my breakfast and watch the ducks. I stepped out of my car... MickyD sac in hand and like a marching band of ducks and geese and crows and little birds just engulfed me! OMG! I stood my ground and they all stopped about 4 foot away... So I'm sitting there ... stareing at thier beauty and busted out my food... the little crow came really close to me, like within a foot of me... and he let out this big loud noise... I don't know what it was... I'm really not sure if he was a crow... but he was black with dark blue and had a big long beek... anyway... He scared the shit out of me... I JUMPED and almost ran away... but then I acted tough and decided to stay right where I was and he just sat there and watched me eat so I felt bad and tossed him just a little bite of my biscuit... he snatched it up and ran off... THEN The herd of ducks and geese and whatever else just overtook me! YEAH! Like... came right up to my feet and quacked at me! I ran and hid in my car... then they started biting on my CAR! IT was quite an experience... Next time I go I'm taking breakfast for them, that wsa just so rude of me! but it was fun! I just spend $30 at the DOLLAR STORE on Cleaning supplies! Yeah! I got all kinds of shit and now this means I must clean... huh... Damn. Well I have a plan... first I'm gonna get my apartment spick and span, then I'm gonna pamper this ol' bod of mine... and tomorrow I'll go grocery shopping. I really just didn't wanna run to the grocery store until I had a good idea of what I need.... Yah know! HEY! Do me a favor and go swing by... skymac   's place.... Let them know how we appreciate being feed God's Word... for those that do appreciate it... It takes alot of bravey to Stand up for your Savior and love mankind enough to teach them of His WAYS. I got Meow a hand... Yeah... a little glove for me to put on and it has four big long strings with different sizes of fish.. it's a toy for us to play together... plus it will protect my hand when she wants to give me some love bites! Wish me luck on Cleaning! I NEED IT |
We have a long way to go and a short time to get there! Let’s just cut to the quick! Shall we? This morning as I worked blissfully and listened to my tunages… The song “I wanna love you” filled the air in my work area and my mind wondered back in time. Randy always wanted me to listen to that song. When we traveled to El Paso together in the 18-Wheeler… is when I first really listened; actually, he sang it to me and did the cute little bouncing around and bobbin’ his head… Randy is a lot of fun to be around. Very fun-loving, outgoing… considerate of other people… and a sweet talker… We are two peas in a pod. One thing we use to laugh about is how much we see ourselves in each other. We were both players… and we both played a good game. Though all games must end. I think Randy won most of the hands… mostly cause I laid all my cards out on the table… but I feel as if I’m the one that walked away a winner. Anyway, that’s just his song… and always will be. It reminds me of that time… and always will. I have refused myself to hear it until today. Afraid that the memories that the song remembers… would be too much. I cared about Randy a lot. I thought I loved him. And I did at that time of my life. All that remains are the lessons learned… and whatever I choose to take with me. I’m attracted to what feels complimentary fine. Randy made me feel fine, very few men are capable of it. I have yet to come across anyone that could put that kind of spell on me. Much of it had to do with my emotional and spiritual condition at the time. Like ol’ Waylon says: “Good-hearted woman in love with a Good-timing Man”… and I think most of it was that Randy ROCKED my world! I rocked his too… We ignited in the bedroom… and well the living room floor, and once on the back steps of our POE … well and there was that time on the kitchen counter… ANYWAY… Honestly… from self to self… Randy had the BIGGEST **** and he Knew how to USE IT… I know… this is too much info… but it’s the truth. That relationship was built all around sex… and you know us survivors of sexual abuse get sex and love all twisted up… and it’s not him that I loved so much… it’s the way he made me feel. I honestly don’t know what I would do if Randy knocked on my door right now… but the fact is… he isn’t going too… even if he was out of jail, he wouldn’t. He’s reflection in my eyes has been tainted. And was… long before he went away… he knew it, hell I told him! Randy has the same sickness as me. He’s not out to love nobody… he’s out to fill the void in his own heart. I was fueled by his desire for me… he was fueled by my desire for him, we were both taking… and neither wanted to give. I may not be the brightest bulb in the box… but I don’t think that’s called love… and if it is… I don’t want no part of it. So what’s my point with all this? I’m getting closure. Sure, I shut the door when he went to jail. I haven’t written him but once and it was to tell him I didn’t have time to do what he asked me to do… and to tell him I asked Brenda to get his check to the jail for him. AND anyone that knows me… Knows that I’m a territorial BITCH… if I wanted that man, I DAMN sure wouldn’t have turned to another woman to get him what he needed! Oh No… not my style at all! So, I said the physically good-bye really unknowingly… now… I guess I’m making sure that door is shut and that I have no need to go backwards. I heard those songs… I felt those old feelings, I stared into his frozen image… and I’m done with that time of my life. I’m a different woman… with different desires. The desires I have now… Randy cannot offer to me. Randy would always do the Forrest Gump “Me and Jeni, we are like peas and carrots”… “Jennnniii… I love you Jennniiii” … We had some great times together. I learned a lot about myself because of him. Mostly… I learned about who I want to be. Today… I have a good chance of bringing to life the woman I know is in there… and it may not have happened without ‘The Randy Encounter’… So I’m thankful… and I’m ready to step into the next dimension. So I had lunch with mom. I have a new addiction. Yep! I’m addicted to angel hair pasta! It just made me feel SO good to eat it! We went to a huge Chinese buffet… they had baby octopus  crab  Shrimp … it was huge… I’m not real big on seafood… but I LOVE eggrolls! LOVE EM! I LOVE those little Wonton things too… They rock! And Sweet and Sour sauce… I could drink that stuff! Ok, well maybe not… Sarah and I acted as if we never had a miff with each other the other day. She and I have the kind of relationship that Randy and I did… except she ain’t giving me none… so I’m not near as obsessed with her. But we do have a love-hate thing going on… though I have never hated her… I just wanted to slap her a few times… that’s all. She did tell me today that she had a real bad day yesterday. It was her way of saying she might have been a bit harsh on me. Really! She knows I don’t like her MIL… I’ve told her. She knows Why I don’t … She knows it’s cause I’m protective by nature and I love her. AND she knows I’d give the shirt off my back to anyone… regardless… ok… well maybe not… but you get my point. Well over lunch, I spoke to my mom about my grandfathers. I never met my dad’s dad… he died when I was like 2. But one of the things that Shelly told me is that my father, his father and his father were alcoholics and that is where it comes through my blood line, right? See… Alcoholism is heredity. Well… My mom and her side of the family are all straight laces… My grandma was the Judge in the little town she lives in. My Uncle is a Pharmacist. My Aunt is a schoolteacher. My cousin is a fire fighter. My other cousin is a social worker. My mom’s a nurse. AND I don’t think any of them have ever been drunk or stoned in their entire life! Well… Shelly didn’t know this, of course, but she said right away that this disease comes naturally to me through my fathers fathers father… and so I asked my mother and sure enough… all three men had drinking problems. My dad is sober now and has been for the last ten years… but he is so dry that he is a fire hazard. He still has every mindset of a sickie. I described to my mom the man that Shelly said was ‘you know’… like following me around… his spirit… and my mother thinks that if anyone it would be my dad’s father. She spoke of how good of a man that he was… nothing like my dad. My dad gets his meanness from his mother… She was abusive to him… but his father was a gentle, quiet man. So that was interesting. Then I met up with my sponsor and I’m officially a 12 stepper! One thing that she did… that totally blew my mind… inside my big book… I carry a picture me and her, Shafter’s obituary and then a picture of Sarah, Leslie and me from the conference in July. It fell out of my book and my sponsor picked it up… then held it up to me… and said, “You are the ONE out of every THREE that makes it through recovery…” damn… it’s all about God and Gratitude. |
| First I listened to this song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fZF9UsS8LY Brought back all the memories of Randy… I’m not missing him… I’m missing the effect he put on me. Just like a high… I'm not even missing it.. I'm just remembering it... I'm letting myself feel it... and release it. It’s been over a year since I met him… almost a year that I broke down and checked myself in the whack shack… I remember so loudly inside of me that it was HIM that I needed away from. I knew it in my gut… Sure the dope and drink had a part in it… they were symptons… of this dis-ease of mine. So then I listened to the song he asked me to listen to… a long time ago. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sL4FHZUvv3Y I can’t explain the feelings I feel by remembering this time… I know he is not what I thought he was. He was a stepping stone… a messenger from God… a lesson learned the hard way. I'm not who I thought I was...
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I took this picture of him.
There are so many emotions going through me right now. I’m saying good-bye… I’m letting go of what lies behind… in my own way. I only miss the man that I wanted him to be. Sometimes the rest of your life starts with goodbye. I said goodbye to Randy already... now I'm saying goodbye to the girl that worshipped him. |
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