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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
| I must go earn a few dollars but I wanted to leave behind one of my favorite tunages... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PidY2jfwXJg I've been youtubing again this morning, the consequences have made me late! see! This song rocks, and the video is adorable! I love the puppy in prayer... way cool... This song is #1 on my CD, in my car player now even Take care and have a great day! Love, Jen |
| I got up to date with many of you tonight! If you didn’t get a note from me… I’ll catch ya on the rebound… Kay? Which won’t be long since I’m look in’ at a day and a ½ of Jen time coming soon. I have to work in the morning but I should be home around one or two tomorrow afternoon. What did I do today? I SHOPPED! Found myself an awesome blouse, I just fell in love with it… it’s way classy, has see through lace long tapered sleeves and a V-neck, with lot’s of bling bling… black of course, I splurged! I just had to have it. Found myself two nice dresses and a pair of slacks. I got me a couple of big o’ men’s collared shirts… I’m into comfort these days, as long as I’m presentable I’m cool with it, I think a person that is comfortable in their own skin and clothes and CLEAN is a good looking person. Comfort is the key! AND those of you that know me… know exactly where I shopped too! I am a bargain kind of gal! The thing is… it takes time, I spent a good 4 hours sorting through all the trash to find name brand nice outfits at awesome prices. It’s worth it to me. I have to be in a certain state of mind, patient of course… and willing to DIG! I did good today… two of the slacks I found are a little big and one pair of slacks, a wind breaker outfit and a shirt was a bit snug… but hell everything else fit perfect. I don’t try them on at the store… too much hassle, hey… that’s a part of the bargaining world… you win some you lose some… I won today.  Let’s hear it for the girl! Then when I got home my mother had dropped off an outfit she bought me from Wal-Mart… had a $20 price tag on it; I call her up… “Mom! That’s way to much to spend on ONE outfit!” She thought I had lost my mind… “Uh… $20, Sis… it’s not that big of deal!” See… I’m use to getting at least two sometimes three outfits for that price! I’m a poor girl trying to not stay that way all my life! But my mother is the type that doesn’t even shop at Wal-Mart normally… I was shocked to see that’s where she had been today. She hates Wal-Mart. I love Wal-Mart! Let’s hear it for the Wal-Mart! I feel asleep when I got home and woke up SWEATING about 7… hate that! But I watched my Friday night Show, “Ghost Whisperers”, was a good one and then I did some cleaning up around the apartment… getting ready to head out to this event we got going on tomorrow. I have to be there at 7:30AM…  but we will be working over at our other warehouse, it’s a giant Garage Sale for all our agencies to come and pick and pack what they want out of our non-food salvage. It’s a way of getting gifts out to the public in time for Christmas. Today I had to make 12 poster signs. There was no POSSIBLE way I could have completed them in the time allotted for me to do so. I was busting a move… working my hardest, stressing somewhat. I figured I’d be making posters all night long… and then two volunteers showed up and saved my ass! I mean it… that was a God thing! I didn’t even ask for help, but I got it anyway. Pretty cool huh… and just so happens the two ladies knocked it out just at our scheduled quitting time and off we all went to enjoy our Friday afternoon. These ladies were not mandated to do community service; they just wanted to help and showed up at 11:00… just in the nick of time! Blows my mind… I shit you not… I would not be here right now had those ladies not showed up… I’d be stenciling and coloring and doing all that artsy crafty stuff that I just don’t dig… not my thing, but my helpers were all about it! I just let em’ loose… you go girls! Let’s hear it for the girls! My art comes in the form of words. Or in decorating my own self! But I’m just not into that other stuff… bows and ribbons and stuff… I think it’s cool but it’s not my specialty. So the scripture that I been meditating on was copied onto yesterdays blog entry… I went into the Message Bible and I liked and understood the wording in it. See… I have been criticized by holier than thou folk who think that the “King James Version” of the bible is the only true written Word of God. Pleaaaaasssssssssseeeeeee… I have even seen bumper stickers in town that say… “If it ain’t King James, it ain’t the Word of God.” Well… I don’t agree. I have almost every version of the bible on my bookshelf and I use them! They help me in my studies. If I don’t quite understand the message in one, I read the same verse in another version. They all say the same thing but the choice of words are different. That’s the beauty of WORDS… Words ROCK! Let’s hear it for WORDS! I gifted J.J. a student bible … that one rocks… it gives the history behind the chapters, the different versions just help the reader to grasp and understand… in my opinion of course. I will not debate but really my point here is this… The KJV does really express the promise that I’m holding onto a little clearer than the Message Bible did, in that particular verse… Psalm 17:15 As for me, I will behold thy face in righteousness: I shall be satisfied, when I awake, with thy likeness. What’s the promise I read here? I will be Satisfied when I wake up to God… Satisfied no matter what is going on in my life… What does it mean to be satisfied? What can God do for ME and you? fulfill the desires, expectations, needs, or demands of, give full contentment to put an end to (a desire, want, need, etc.) by sufficient or ample provision give assurance to; convince answer sufficiently solve make reparation to or for fulfill the requirements or conditions of Gratify, appease, pacify, please. To satisfy is to meet to the FULL one's wants and expectations This is God’s promise in this scripture! So uh... what do I got to do? To Want HIM more than I want anything! Seek FIRST the kingdom of GOD and all other things will be added. Hey! Let’s hear it for God!!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyrU2YX7dK0 |
| Night replaces day as I sit down to write this. My first moment for intimate thoughts since I left my home at 7 this morning. Work has been quite demanding of me this last week. I predict it will continue to be until the first of the year. People want to give around the holiday season. I am utterly aghast and blessed to see a spirit of such goodness from people of all walks of life. I’m doubly blessed to be a part of the hand that throws that same goodness right back out into the community. We have food drives going about all over town. Many local businesses are putting out effort to gather food for the less fortunate. It’s our time of the year to rise! A man walked in yesterday and handed me a donation of $20,000. Yep! Right in the palm of my hand… Talk about instant puckered up  … splashing my sweetness around like it’s coming out a bottle of perfume… Yes I was… as was boss lady. I have a monster bruise on my left thigh. Note to Self: Shut all the drawers of your desk before rocketing out your chair and blasting towards your destination.  … my feet ache, my arms are sore… I am a professional 55-gallon barrel decorator now.  I have been using that sticky silicon stuff for two days…. Sealing up all the little cracks on about 20 barrels, cutting, taping our logo on each… Sticky stuff all over my hands and FACE… My job description knows no end I smarted up and wore my Dr. Scholl’s today and utilized plastic gloves. I’ve broke three fingernails in two days.  Those barrels will be used to collect canned foods during our food drives. We have our El Paso parade coming up on Thanksgiving Day; the barrels I decorated will be used during that event. We are so short staffed. There are two warehouse workers and two truck drivers… at a facility that usually employees at least 15 warehouse associates… uh…that’s during down time even. Yesterday I was so exhausted that I did not want to blog.  … I soaked in a steamy tub and fell asleep before the sun went down. Today… I was fresh and ready to face the world. Much difference from drowning my exhaustion and frustrations… way more beneficial for myself and those around me. Hey! As thankful as I am for sobriety… just imagine the thankfulness of those about me! Though many of them do not know or understand what caused the changes in me… maybe the changes aren’t so much visible to the outsider as they are noticed by myself within me. I kept it together outwardly back then … today… I don’t have to ‘keep’ it together… I am together. I could go on and on about the days toil… but it’s all meaningless. Another day, another dollar… I get paid to do what I love to do… Help people. Not just those that are hungry either. There is a 20 year-old guy that comes with a Christian Rehab center four days a week to volunteer. He has somewhat latched on to me. He’s a good looking kid, good personality, likes to compliment me… hey I don’t mind. But it’s not ‘over the top’ so much that it comes across as insincere… like so many other men up there come across. One thing about my place of employment… I get to study and observe so many different personalities. It’ll make me a good character builder in my writing aspirations!  Well, he is on parole or probation… I assume for a drug charge and is mandated to go to AA. He knows that I am a member and has asked that I go during the times that he is allowed to go. At first I told him no because I wasn’t going to change my schedule of meetings. AA women do not 12 step men. AA men do not 12 step women… it is known to led right to the 13th step… which there is NOT a REAL 13th step… but… The “Thirteenth Step” is commonly defined as the practice of dating a newcomer, or another AA member, with less than solid sobriety. ~ http://www.soberplace.com/13thstep.html But! During my quiet time… I felt inclined to go to the meeting on Tuesday night after I had told him I wasn’t going. I introduced him to some strong men in the program. I don’t see that it would be a hazard for me to sit in some meetings with him, not until he at least makes some friends there. I’ll be a good stepping stone. I can help him by introducing him to the people I know. Anyway… he is way too young for me! There is a big difference in 20 years old and 30 years old… He can’t even legally buy a beer! It’s like a big sister, little brother type thing… although! They say, get em’ young and raise em’ right! … kidding… I don’t wanna have to teach em’ how… no, I wanna be taught a few things…  Anyways! It’s been balls to the wall up at my job… I like it, I’m not bitching … there’s no one here to bitch at! Meow just pulls her ears back at me…acts all pissy… no fun to bitch at. Bobby and I crossed paths again as we were both coming in from work. (Bobby is an ex boyfriend who is a big time drinker and I think he left a mean note on my door not so long ago)… My first thought when I saw him walking with his mail under his pit and shades covering his eyes…six pack dangling from his hand… was… ‘Dead man walking’ … The days I spent with him were the worst days of my using career… it wasn’t because of him either, it was my darkness just right before the dawn, he was just an enabler… he would buy bottles of whisky by the case! And I damn sure didn’t bitch about it. I was thinking about him just right before we bumped into each other… Hate when that happens… freaks me out! But I was thinking about how we wouldn’t have a thing in common now. Hell, we didn’t date … we drank … that’s all we ever had in common. And I liked his big bad biker boy appearance and gruff mannerisms. People got ‘out of the way’ when he walked in… he just looks mean as hell but he’s not. He’s really a nice guy… just lost in the darkness of addiction. I really hate to say this… but it won’t be long till I’m posting but another obituary of another person I have known, loved and lost to this TRAP. Then again, he could be the next miracle I witness too. I hope and pray for the latter. Too bad alcoholism has to be self diagnosed cause I sure would go slap him upside the head if I thought it would do any good. I woke up this morning with a song in my head and I didn’t even know who the singer was! I had to google it! I have NOT heard this song in a very long time and how or why it was stuck in my head this morning? Well, I have a little idea… It’s a song by Steve Wariner titled “What I didn’t do”. I was a little discouraged yesterday because I busted my butt on those barrels and my boss lady pointed out that I got this part uneven and I got the clear silicon smeared over here… I mean it was just all negative, she never once said a thing about the effort I was putting out… the fact that I’m a receptionist and I’m willing to do whatever is asked of me. I mean, how many secretaries that you know… use a coak (sp?) gun and seal up cracks on shit? I feel unappreciated sometimes. I have seen so many employees come in and out the door, but here I am committed through the good and bad. I have seen product walk out the back door, but I sit here and eat ramen noodles while I witness good standing employees walk out with expensive meats and whatever else they can find. I have heard deception and lies spoken from the mouths of those that she does show her appreciation for, but I have her back even when I think she is wrong… I don’t tell other people about it. I have gone above and beyond the call of duty and I feel unrecognized at times. I seldom get to hear ‘atta boy’… well I never do. It gets to me sometimes. I just got stuck on the pity pot for a minute last night. I tried to put my finger on what it is that makes me feel unappreciated and I saw that it’s not anything she does… it’s what she doesn’t do. Just like with my ex husband… he never DID anything that I could lay out on the table and say this is it… this is what I don’t like… it was what he didn’t do that caused me to lose interest and move on. Anyway! Then I get home and an angel says: happiness consists of forgetting what you give, and remembering what you receive. All of the above is just meaningless. I don’t need someone else to tell me that I’m good and appreciated. Yeah, I would enjoy it if it happened… but I still know that I’m good no matter. I struggled with the top part of this blog entry and now it’s all pouring out! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCZel71Ip_s I worked late today, I worked through lunch yesterday. I have to work on Saturday. { stinkyface }… yeah but it’s overtime! That rocks! And I need it… for sure. My thoughts have basically been centered on work since my last blog entry but I do have a scripture that I am meditating on and believing that the promises within it will soon come to pass… Psalm 17 A David Prayer 1-2 Listen while I build my case, God, the most honest prayer you'll ever hear. Show the world I'm innocent— in your heart you know I am. 3 Go ahead, examine me from inside out, surprise me in the middle of the night— You'll find I'm just what I say I am. My words don't run loose. 4-5 I'm not trying to get my way in the world's way. I'm trying to get your way, your Word's way. I'm staying on your trail; I'm putting one foot In front of the other. I'm not giving up. ************** 15 And me? I plan on looking you full in the face. When I get up, I'll see your full stature and live heaven on earth. ~ The Message Bible |
| As many of you know… I am an alcoholic/addict. I have been a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous since August 20, 2007. I have been a chronic relapsing member of Alcoholics Anonymous since November 2, 2006. Some of us have to get the hell beat out of us before we are capable of grabbing on to a sober date. Many of us never are able to grab hold of a dry date, but we still get the hell beat out of us. The statistics say that only 1 of every 3 people that walk through the doors of AA will recover. That doesn’t mean complete abstinence from drink or drug, yes, it’s a big part of it, but there is so much more. When I say I am in recovery, it’s not just a life without mind-altering drugs that I am pursuing. I desire a life that has value. My goal is to leave this world a bit better than it was before I came into it. My hope is that even one life will breath easier because I have lived. Yes, that’s a Ralph Waldo Emerson quote… and at this moment in time, it best describes what I hope to achieve during my lifetime. I’m currently working on the 12th step. I’ve been doing some reading tonight and I have learned so much. I could not possibly express my gratitude for being introduced to the program of AA. I secretly wish that everyone was an alcoholic so that you could all be introduced, or rather… gifted with what I have been given through working the 12 steps. Yeah. My name is Jennifer and I am a recovering alcoholic. I wouldn’t want it any other way. Step One - took me almost six months to honestly work. This is the most critical step of all. My relapses were proof that I had not honestly worked this step. It’s all about admitting powerlessness. I struggled with this step, as do most functioning alcoholics. Until I sat on the bathroom floor of a cabin in Ft Davis, TX, withdrawing from narcotic pills, unable to sleep, tucked away in the bathroom trying not to bother my sponsor and sister sponsor as they musically snored in harmony. April 14, 2007 (my stepdads birthday) I came to realize that I am powerless over addiction. I am powerless over A LOT of things and without recovery it’s just going to be an uphill climb all of my life, only to come tumbling right back down. Step Two - I saw that since my best thinking had landed me in a rehab center (which was actually a relief from what I had been living through). I had to find a higher power and utilize Him… Not just believe he could work in YOUR life but that He was just as capable and willing to work in mine. Step Three - I turned my will (desires) and life (actions) over to His care. I handed him all of me. Step Four – I searched out the things in me that had brought me to physical, moral and spiritual bankruptcy. Step Five – I realized I had to stop the deadly business of living alone with my conflicts and I turned to God and to another person and opened myself before them in honesty. I vomited all of my deep dark secrets in God's lap and then into my sponsors. Thus, I realized that the only thing between darkness and light was the simple action of flipping a switch. Step Six – I decided that though I still have character flaws of which I am not capable yet of relinquishing, I became willing to work day by day with my higher power at bettering ME, starting from the inside and working out. I decided to stop my rebellious and stubborn behavior to the best of my ability and recognize that I may not be struck perfect. Perhaps, today I may not be EXACTLY who I would like to be, but I came to understand and cling to the idea of progress not perfection. Step Seven – It’s all about humility. My grand-sponsors definition of humility: it does not minimize nor does it exaggerate but perfect humility just accepts. So I humbly asked God to remove my defects of character such as He could or would under the conditions of the day I asked. Step Eight – I made a list of the people I have harmed and I became WILLING to make amends to them all. This step is all about willingness. Step Nine – Is making direct amends to people I have harmed. During my drinking and drugging, I usually awoke the following days drowning in remorse and much of my amends have been made. Many of the people are no longer in my life, and possibly best that I don’t bring them back into it. I do owe my ex-husband an amend but the time has not come for that. There are also people I would like to tell how much they mean to me, people that loved me unconditionally throughout all of my wreckage. I do need to go on and do that. I am making living amends to my job and to my mother. It’s not a verbal “sorry” that I think is needed. It’s more of a “show me” that you have changed. Actions do speak louder than words… and well… That’s all I got to say about that. Step Ten – I realized that a personal inventory should be taken daily and that when I am wrong I ought to admit it promptly. Note: Keyword, REALIZED… I’m not always capable of it but I do recognize the seriousness of harboring resentments. Resentment will eat you up … It is the number one offender. Step Eleven – I found that persistent use of prayer and meditation opened a channel so that where there had been but a trickle, was now a river which leads to sure power and safe guidance from God. I am becoming increasingly better at understanding Him and how He would have me behave and think. So here I am… having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, I desire to carry this message to other alcoholics and to practice these principles in all of my affairs. Page 106 – 12 Steps and 12 Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous When a man or a woman has a spiritual awakening, the most important meaning of it is that he has now become able to do, feel and believe that which he could not do before on his unaided strength and resources alone. He has been granted a gift which amounts to a new state of consciousness and being. He has been set on a path which tells him he is really going somewhere, that life is not a dead end, not something to be endured or mastered. He finds himself in possession of a degree of honesty, tolerance, unselfishness, peace of mind and love of which he had thought himself quite incapable. What he has received is a free gift, and yet usually, at least in some small part, he has made himself ready to receive it. The 12th step is awesome! I am just floored at its beauty. Listen here: During the Twelfth Step we experience the kind of giving that asks no rewards. We begin to practice all 12 steps of the program in our daily lives so that we and those about us may find emotional sobriety. When the Twelfth step is seen in its full implication, it is really talking about the kind of love that has no price tag on it. Though the recovering alcoholics character may still be gravely defective, he somehow knows that God has enabled him to make a mighty beginning, he senses that he stands at the edge of new mysteries, joys and experiences of which he had never even dreamed. WOW! I’m in love with the 12 steps! They are beautiful… just gorgeous. Really… you don’t have to be an alcoholic to work them… by no means, just in case someone wants to give it a whirl… don’t let the idea of ‘not’ being an alkie stop you! KAY? Just do what feels right. So I’m reading the Chapter “Working with Others” in the big book. It’s the longest chapter and the most detailed of all. Sheeshh… I could have used some of this info back when I was sponsoring Sarah. I see where I screwed up… but I also see that It is not my fault that she is out and using again. It was pride that made me believe I had the power to make or break her… She will be back and she will find me here with open arms. I lost another one to this disease. http://www.legacy.com/oaoa/Obituaries.asp?Page=Lifestory&PersonId=97439964 Olga joined me during one of my relapses after I got out of rehab. I think it was maybe even the first one. I sat next to her on a barstool and we immediately started laughing and cutting up. We ran into my old buddy Lucy a few hours later, who had a pocket full of cocaine and we kept taking turns going into the bar bathroom. Olga and Lucy both came back to my place, I called my big daddy for another round, Olga just fell in love with Big Daddy…was all up in his lap and ready to rock his world. Not long after that night, I changed my phone number. I had to in order to stay sober, we lost contact. Olga was a party buddy… never really a tight friend. I know she drank a lot. She enjoyed beer from dawn to dusk; she called me many times during the morning hours and had already caught a buzz. You know I hear people joking about a shot of this or a bottle of that… don’t you see that this is no fucking game! I do… and I hope I never forget it. Obviously Olga lived two separate lives by reading her obituary. I was just a friend of the night, I really never got to know her for her… we were weekend warriors. It just blows my mind to remember how lost, sad and lonely she was… we both were… and now it’s over for her. I want MORE… I refuse to go out like that. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AD6LXXouD4k |
It’s been a loonnnnggg day. I sat in the pharmacy drive thru for a good 40 minutes after work. I considered getting out and going in the store, but by the amount of cars in the parking lot I figured I’d just be waiting in a line there to. At least in the car I got to read. I heard my first Christmas song of the year on the way home from work. I guess it is officially the holiday season. I returned the sleeping bag I borrowed for my mountain trip to my step dad during my errand running at lunch. ( alot of info crammed in that one sentence). I saw him through the glass storm door of their home; he hid his beer can when he saw me coming up the sidewalk. I couldn’t let the moment escape without saying SOMETHING… “Hey, I’m not my mother… you don’t have to hide shit from me!” “Well, it ain’t none of your damn business what I do.” “Here’s your sleeping bag, old man…” “Love you Sis…” “Love you too…” I had to go to the bank, get a money order, call in my prescription, call the landlady and fight with her about electricity bill, run the DVD’s and sleeping bag to my mother’s home… lot’s of running around today. I went to the 5:30 meeting after work, lots of sobriety birthdays! In fact… November 2, 2006 was my first claimed dry date. I was reminded of it today when Big John claimed his two years, I remember him approaching me last year and saying November is a good month to get sober. Chilsun claimed her 15 years and Claudia, 4 years. Big John does get on my nerves but tonight as he spoke, I got a lot out of it. He ain’t so bad… just goofy as hell. That just confirms to me that everybody has something to offer. I need to remember to never discard anyone… I sat down to write, phone rings… I look at caller ID; it’s the bill collector that’s looking for Mike Powell… again. I know their number so I don’t answer. I’ve told them about 15 times that No Mike Powell lives here! I know him NOT!  ... So why bother anymore? I sit back down to write, phone rings again… it’s my sponsor. She is feeling guilty I can hear it all through her. Guilty that we haven’t spent much time together. Her life is hectic. She is very sad over her sponsor’s husband’s death. She has many treasured memories of him. She talked to me for 15 minutes and I’m just not in the mood for chitchat. My side of the conversation consisted mostly of “uhuuhh” and “okay”… I’m just tired… We are getting together Wednesday after work and she is going to teach me her meditation prayer. So then I hang up the phone; sit back down to write… phone rings again… it’s my step dad and mom. They wanna shoot the shit and I just wanna eat my cold left overs… write up a little something something… and fall out! Damn… now I’m totally side tracked… I’m spent… Busy day at the office… Busy day outside the office… It’s been a manic Monday! I did have a blog topic when I began this entry… I only planned on a short paragraph of bullshit… but I’ve never been one to stay within the lines… even the ones I draw for myself!  … but I am on top of the world… rather it feels like it or not. So I’ve been doing some thinking today… not much… but some… so here’s what I’ve got brewin’ in the mind of Jen… … Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Ps. 139:16 ALL? Did he say ALL? Not just the days that I acted right? Not just the good days or painless ones? But ALL of my days??? Yeah. I believe that each of our days were planned, divinely ordered, before we were even born. God knew and PLANNED exactly what was to transpire. This tells me that none of my past was an accident nor a mistake. I have been where I needed to be, with the people I needed to be with… And today I am right where I need to be and even with the people I need to be with… I’m going to read myself to sleep… Night! Once upon a t----" zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz |
| I woke up this morning at 5AM which was really 6AM… no it was really 5AM … right? Yeah. I wanted to watch my movies since I didn’t make it through my all nighter last night. I crashed like or 2AM or it could have been 3AM… who knows! This morning I drug my comforter, pillow and frogger (snuggle buddy) to the living room floor and watched all three of the first “Left Behind” movies. NO VCR or DVD in bedroom…FYI. Well, They have inspired me enough to dust off my collection of the book series. I have the first one sitting within arm’s reach here on my desk. Oh but decisions … decisions… which way do I go?! I’m awful about starting a book and never finishing it. I began a novel yesterday. I’m on chapter four, it’s titled “These boots weren’t made for walking”… and so far Miss Cassidy has gotten fired from her job, dumped by her boyfriend of three years and her neighbor/friend stole her credit card, maxed it out, then left town. Damn the luck! She’s spent two weeks eating ice cream out of the carton and laying in bed… but I have a feeling things are about to turn around for her. I’m into the book; the author has a cute personality that is visible through the writing… just little snippets of cute humor all throughout. She is also a Christian author, which is what caught my attention on the back of the book, as I randomly searched through the library for my ‘to be’ chosen one! It’s been a productive day for me. I’ve been quite domestic this weekend. As I snuggled with frogger on the floor early this morning, watching my movies, smoking my cigarettes, drinking my coffee, loving on the meowster… I remembered that Faith is a choice. A choice that comes from the heart... A choice that we are all free to make. I got a little teary eyed as I watched certain scenes in the movies… You have no idea what GOD has done for me! Many times I forget and it takes books, movies, or other believers to remind me. It took me a lonnnnggg time to figure out what I believe and quite honestly, you can’t change my mind. I have tried it ALL and I have come to recognize MY way to MY Savior. Don’t waste my time or yours trying to push YOUR conception of God off on me. And I’ll offer the same courtesy to you. The ONLY suggestions I will take are the one’s that can be confirmed through scriptures. This is me, This is what I believe… if it’s not what you want to hear… don’t read me. * shrug * Also, I will NOT fight over my faith. Oh… I would love too… believe that… but my GOD tells me not too. My God tells me the best way to defend Him, is to just use Him. I just had to get that out. And I feel better now… I had to sit down and make a list of what I have to do tomorrow during my lunch hour. It’s the first of the month… time to pay the bills… … once again. I had some frustrating moments today. I tried to get into yahoo music and kept getting errors and then booted. Then since I haven’t been on yahoo in a while, old friends that I haven’t talked to in forever started Iming me and each time it froze up my puter and I had to shut down the HARD WAY. I got bent out of shape… yes I did… had to make myself go stand in the corner and then take a nap. I never did accomplish that which I set out to do… and the reason? My puter is too damn old! … Soon… very very soon… this antique of mine will be in the burn pile. So I feel asleep with like 5 candles burning throughout my apartment. Not too bright! It really smelled good when I woke up… but… I brought in all my plants from the patio today and uh… the one of the coffee table had several BURNT leaves from the candle burning next to it! YEAH! Not cool! You know once I did almost catch myself on fire. It was back when I drank a lot and I was doing laundry, had candles burning throughout and I threw the bed sheets over the back of the sofa and proceeded to fold the other clothes … going about my business, never noticing that the sheet landed halfway on the In table, where a burning candle sat… yeah! Huge Flames! Scared the fire out of me! I grabbed a pitcher of water and soaked my living room. The sheet, the sofa the water pitcher and ME got burned! I’m not accident prone, never have been… that was just a DRUNK moment. Hey… you can attract more flies with honey than you can with vinegar. I learned that the hard way too. That was my ex bosses catch phrase. I don’t miss him. No. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AApv9z9-4XA Somebody likes Lucas!  I just like the song… but the only soap opera I have ever got into was “Days of our Lives”. My Aunt Lucy watched it when I was just a teeny kid and I would watch it with her. My ex-husband and I both were into it too… watched it every day during our lunch hour. I have been in and out of this soap for like twenty years! But I hate soap operas …really. This one has roots to it… but I still don’t watch it now. Well… It’s been a good weekend. I’m ready for the week to begin. I just need a good long night’s rest. Maybe I’ll make it to work on time with the extra hour! I’m really tired and grumpy… I cooked a little today. My home is fresh and clean, laundry is all done and actually put away. The dishwasher is going. Meow is sleeping on the sofa. Frogger is calling out my name from the bedroom. He wants me now! I think I’ll let him have his way with me. It’s not getting what you want that will make you happy… it’s wanting what you already got. |
| http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoOEEQPiUxE My two most favorite outlaws Waylon is from Littlefield, TX which is right outside of Lubbock, which is where I lived for a few years in high school … which is two hours away from where I live now! Wheewww! The little town is all decked out with Waylon. It was a sad day when he left this world. I still miss him. I’ll be back soon. I have to fold some laundry before I get to write… Mamma said so... |
| I swung over to the library today and checked out three novels. I’m sick of ‘Self Help’ reading material. Sure, It’s what I like but I need to get lost in some good fiction. One of the books, I’ve already dived into… it already has my full attention. While at the library I ran into an old boyfriend and his new wife and little girl. I say ‘run into’ but I dodged em’. Yep! I didn’t recognize him … man he has packed on the poundage over the years but I recognized her. I was standing behind them in the check out line and once I recognized, I backed up and went around the corner till they were gone! Honestly, He and I are on good terms so to speak, but she hates me! She did back then anyway… and rightfully so. I’m sure bygones are bygones by now, it’s been a good while, but I made a quick U-turn and hid behind a book shelf! I was really amazed to see them still together. See this goes to show where I am a bit egotistical, judgmental… something? I think she is way to good for him. I think he is a loser! But she obviously loves him. They have been together for at least 10 or more years. He’s been in and out of jail. He’s messed around behind her back. Last I heard, he got fired from his Pizza delivery job because of something he did. He is… uh… not attractive. He use to be… he use to have a build, nice butt and bod… and well, he doesn’t have that going for him anymore either. Then I stopped by my mom’s house, took a stroll through her backyard. My mom always requests I check out her garden and greenhouse each time I go visit. And she tries to give me all kinds of plants and anyone else that might want a plant. I use to take John plants cause he kept asking for them but uh… he kills em’… so I stopped. After our hailstorm a few weeks ago, Mike and mom had to repair the greenhouse due to the damage. She has a jalepeno plant and billions of tomato plants… so cute! I never seen little peppers growing on a plant! And the little bitsy baby tomatoes… cute, cute, cute… They have a pond in the backyard. Them goldfish can grow huge! She purchases them like 10 for a dollar and they are not but an inch long. She has one that is now about six inches long and thick as a 2x4! I didn’t plan on staying long but they had rented some movies, so I stuck around and watched “The Invisible”, same producer as “Sixth Sense”… it was a pretty cool movie. I ate supper over there and shot the shit for a while. She had also rented “Left Behind Part Two and Three”… I have seen part two but never part three, so I brought them home and just finished 3. I think those movies rock. I do have the “Left Behind” book series on my shelves but I have never read them… I want to do that soon. I found the set at a garage sale for a bargain so I had to have em’! Yeah, Now they need dusting. In fact, I have been dusting my livingroom… Oh man… I got to stop using the carpet fresh, layers and layers of ick! Well… regardless, here in West Texas EVERYTHING is a dirtball! I bought the first “Left Behind” VHS tape but I haven’t watched it in a while. So I have a plan… I want to watch all three of the movies consecutively so I can really grasp it again. I recommend them to anyone that hasn’t seen em’… they rock! I think I may pull an all nighter. I want to get my place clean, need to work on my closet and get some ironing done. Then tomorrow, all I have to do a few loads of laundry and I’ll be done with my weekend chores! And I can sleep all day! or read or write or whatever… but the ‘not so fun’ stuff will be done. I’ve decided that I’m going to start doing a lot of reading. I don’t read as much as I should. Yeah, I read blogs and my big book, but I really need to read some novels and get the fire burning. I’m ready to take the next step. I have to start with the basics cause I’m like a kid just learning how to play. So… much of my time will be spent reading and reading and reading… this is the plan! That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. |
| http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRNubVIbmPA What's up with this? I like! but I will never believe it ! |
| http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OVwJCnu_wl0 A descending dove is a symbol of the Holy Spirit. During the baptism of Jesus, "out of the water, he saw the heavens being torn open and the Spirit, like a dove, descending upon him." -- Mark 1:10. The Holy Spirit came to him as a dove and rested on him. If only I had wings like a dove that I might fly away and find rest. Far away I would flee; I would stay in the desert." --Psalm 55:7-8. Be "simple as doves." --Matthew 10:16 I find the doves really fascinating. There are doves that hover over the apartment complex that I live. I think they are doves, I honestly have never looked at them. That says something about me… huh? But I heard them calling and I knew exactly what they were. I recognized the sound even when my view of them was blocked, say… by my ceiling … the covering. Christianity is a belief based on the life and teaching of Jesus. It is a religion that believes in only one God. Despite being called a religion, it is actually based around finding a relationship with Jesus. I REFUSE to call myself a religious person. I don’t do religion, organized or not. Jesus loved people in many ways. He gave food to the hungry, ate with lonely people and cared about his enemies. Christianity teaches that all people are imperfect and need God's help to be more like Jesus. It is a gift (or grace) that God shows mercy and forgiveness. What is the third commandment? "Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain: for the LORD will not hold [him] guiltless that taketh his name in vain." Am I really in violation of this commandment? I’m thinking it over. It appears that I am not… but there is so much more than what can be seen with the naked eye. Right? Forgive me for my scattered brain this morning… I’m in the ZONE… Someone told me that: If you have low self-esteem AND God is a huge part of you, then you must have a low opinion of God deep down... You can't accept yourself, how can you accept anyone else? Including God... Ouch… Don’t squeeze my hand, it hurts! Pride (vanity) OR Humility (modesty) Envy (jealousy) OR Kindness (admiration) Wrath (anger) OR Forgiveness (composure) Sloth (laziness/idleness) OR Diligence(zeal/integrity/Labor) Greed (avarice) OR Charity (giving) Gluttony (over-indulgence) OR Temperance (self-restraint) Lust (excessive sexual appetites) OR Chastity (purity) The doves remind me of my sandal, it hurt my foot so someone I was dating took it and threw it on top of the building across from my patio, in a drunken and jokingly moment. For about a year, my sandal was among the doves, standing on my patio… the sandal was there to tell a story, until the wind became so strong that the sandal was knocked down to the ground and eventually tossed away by someone unaware of what that represented in my life. I don’t know where I am going with this… so don’t ask. Just a burp! God is good. The song of this moment is all about Him… God and the descending dove. Those that are NOT interested in you will notice what you are wearing. Those who are interested in you, will NOT notice what you are wearing. Says an angel… HEY ! It’s all silver lining… |
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