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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
| Be thankful in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:18 (New Living Translation) The safest place in the world to be is in God’s Will. Do you belong to Christ? If so… the bible says it and I believe it… you are right where God wants you to be. I am living the Will of God for my life… I have absolutely no doubts about it. God has really been amazing me lately. I know he is at work in our lives during all times but here lately it’s like I see it clearer. He is giving me all of the things I so longed for back in my harder days. An example… this may sound silly to you but to me it is a big deal… it’s a gift! I enjoy cooking. I’ve always been one to play in the kitchen; it’s just like a project to me. Since I got my divorce I just really haven’t had anyone to cook for. I like to cook in big quantities. If I’m gonna do it, I want to do it with a bang! But I have a small family and for years the times that I cooked it just all went to waste. So I really stopped going all out and enjoying my love to create food… but this year… I was asked to make MY specialty (Cornbread dressing)… and to cook enough to feed way over a 100 people. That was a gift from God. It was divine. I love the smell of dinner cooking. I enjoy wearing my little apron. Listening to holiday music and splashing around in food. I seldom use measuring cups or even utensils. Oh… I like to get my hands (Clean hands, that is) all up in it and of course taste as I go... Yeah, I’m never hungry when the meal is actually complete. The best part to me is watching others enjoy what I’ve created/cooked. To me, it’s almost like watching someone open a present. Yeah, I’m a bit strange. My hands are cut, burned and sore today from working my masterpiece into existence and I love it! That little act of service that my sponsor asked me to do was in deed a gift to me. Silly as this may sound; I remember sulking in the past… truly upset because of not having anyone to cook for. I wasn’t thinking about those that needed a meal… I was then thinking about cooking a meal for someone that I thought I needed. My dressing was a hit, by the way. All 40 lbs. of it gone within the first hour… not a scoop of it left in the pan! This isn’t nice but I got to brag! Uh… the other ladies dressing that sat next to mine had one spoonful missing from her pan when everyone was finished eating.  Actually that spoonful was taken before I got there too… I’m late every where I go! Hey it was scary carrying three HOT 20lb turkey roasting pans down my icy stairs! Then I had to knock the snow off my car… I’m not use to that either… I didn’t call for sponsor’s son because I didn’t want to take him away from the meal there. It snows here maybe twice a year usually. So that leads me to my next little God given blessing… The Snow! How beautiful it was this morning… it was just awesome! It’s been a perfect Thanksgiving Day. I’ve been napping since I got home, woke up and ate more pie and wanted to nap some more! And I’m fixing to eat again! Then take a big long nap until early morning. As you have put your trust in Christ Jesus the Lord to save you from the punishment of sin, now let Him lead you in every step. Have your roots planted deep in Christ. Grow in Him. Get your strength from Him. Let Him make you strong in the faith as you have been taught. Your life should be full of thanks to Him. ~ Colossians 2:6-7 (New Life Version) I could not possibly list all that I’m thankful for but here’s Jen's version of a quickie: 1. I am so thankful for all the changes that God and recovery have brought into my life. I’m OK for maybe the first time in my life. I’m OK… even when life isn’t beautiful… I still have my highs and lows… I still get down and out but it’s NOTHING no where near what it use to be. For maybe the first time in my life, I am more interested in you and less in what you can do for me. I know that without being properly maintained I’m unable to be of service to anyone so self-care is of great importance but I’m growing less and less self absorbed every day… and THAT my friend is a gift! 2. I’m thankful for my family and friends. I remember a time when my family didn’t want a thing to do with me and rightfully so. I remember a time when all the names in my little black book were druggers and drinkers. Now… everything is different. There are people that like me for me! That blows my mind… I don’t have to be that big bad stoner chic. I don’t have to act tough. I just can be me. I’m especially thankful for my father’s phone call last week. What were the chances of him ever calling me up and offering such sincerity? I’ve had friends that had fathers a lot worse than mine and they will never be gifted with such a heart-wrenching request for forgiveness. Regardless of the past or what injustices I feel dad did to me… he just confirmed the fact that I come from a long line of good people. In a way… he just rewrote the book… so to speak. That phone call is the beginning of so many things for me. Dad just opened a door of hope regarding these relationship issues with men that I’ve struggled with all of my life…. I will no longer see my dad in every man I meet. I will no longer have to secretly be on guard or ready for a fight. I no longer have to believe that every man is out to hurt me in some way. Of course, there is much work to be done… but dad just started the healing process. Dad just gifted me with a chance to truly love. I’m going to be able to let it all go and start brand new. Sure, I was doing this anyway without his offer but dad just made it so much easier. I am so thankful for his call. I am thankful that he is my father. There are no words to express my deep down thankfulness for my mother. It’s beyond expression. I also have to Thank God for my step-dad… he’s everything I could ask of a man that loves my mother, plus some… 3. I’m truly thankful for my job. I have been swinging back and forth regarding how I feel about it but deep inside I know I am right where I am suppose to be. I dreamed that I was looking for a job and took my resume to a bank. I remember so clearly in that dream feeling like I was making a huge mistake. I’m supposed to be in the HELPS department. It’s where I belong. It is a blessing to be in a position to GIVE … and though I don’t have the means to give what I would like to from my own pocket… I get to give OTHER people’s stuff away! How cool is that! I do make a difference at my place of business even though I don’t always see it. Sure… I want to do more… and it’s frustrating at times, my biggest culprit is my PRIDE… I want to be the top dog… I’m a natural born leader, but my time has not come yet. And I’m really OK and truly grateful to be in the position I am in. How would I ever be a good leader if I never learned to submit, humble myself, respect other leaders and be of service? How well would I be at taking charge of something big if I never learned how to be in control of little ol’ me? This is all a part of the plan. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be… and for that I am truly grateful. 4. I have a home! A bed to rest my weary head! A car… and I don’t have to crawl through the windows like dukes of hazard no mo’! Everything works on it even. THAT is a miracle… I have been driving old beat up piece of shit cars ALL my life. This is the FIRST car I’ve had that’s not an 80’s model… This one is even in the 2000’s!  I tell ya what though… all those years of scraping by built some character in this Texas gal! I wouldn’t change none of it… because those memories keep my heart thankful… keep me appreciating what I’ve got now. 5. Above everything else… I am Thankful for God. Thankful for Jesus… I often think of how God could be any kind of God he wanted to be… and still we would be under his command. He could run this world with an iron fist but he chooses to be the type of God that the bible tells us about. He chooses to love us unconditionally. To be patient and kind… To care about us more than we are even capable of caring for ourselves. Without God, His Son, Jesus Christ, and what they have done for me… None of the above would mean a thing. Without God everything in my life would be meaningless. I am ever so grateful for the love of my life, Jesus Christ. I am truly one of the lucky ones to be gifted the opportunity to have a personal relationship with the Creator of the World! We are all offered the same relationship and I’m so grateful that I’m truly grasping what He so freely gives to whosoever will accept it. Thanking God. Eating. Sleeping. Eating. Thanking God. Eating. Sleeping. Thanking God. Eating. Thanking God. Sleeping. - My Thanksgiving Day’s accomplishments. – It’s been a beautiful day in the Life of Jen… I’m hoping the same for all of you… |
| Celebrating 90 days sobriety – Round Two My sponsor gave me a cute card, she wrote in it: Yea! 90 tough days! You have come so far. I hope you stick around for all the gifts. I know you deserve them. I love you. She and Troy (her husband) wanted to take me out to eat after the meeting. I had to turn them down since I was scheduled to work that night in the warehouse. Penny and Shelly were there… these two ladies took me to Davis Mountains and were there at my 60-days celebration. Sharon, Pam, Patrick, and Brandon were in the meeting. There was a room full of people, but these folks stick out in my mind for one reason or another. Most of them I had not told that it was my ninety days. They found out when the chairman (Dennis) called out for any 90-day takers along with the rest of the group. The room exploded with applause and woot woot’s . Though my mood was somber and unenthusiastic… even I couldn’t help but smile. I had been fighting a headache most of the day. It had been a busy day at work. I wasn’t looking forward to working that night either. I mostly had the ‘Dad’ relationship on my mind and thought very little about my three months of sobriety. It’s almost like I discount myself this time. Honestly, the first 90-days was a great achievement to me. This time it’s like I’m just getting back to where I was. Truth is… because of that relapse I am so much farther now then I ever was. When I claimed my chip, I said my name and my dry date and in the serious, matter of fact demeanor that I had carried with me all day I said to my group: I can tell you what NOT to do during your first ninety –days. I’m a pro at ninety-days. Don’t isolate yourself. We need each other. Don’t stop talking to God. Without Him, We won’t make it. Don’t get arrogant in your sobriety and start thinking you got this whooped. It’s a DAILY fight for the rest of our lives. I’m hoping the next time you see me up here getting a chip that I’ll be claiming 6 months. That was it… that’s all I had to say… I really didn’t plan on saying anything, but these words surfaced at the call. I remember hearing Patrick laugh out loud when I said, I know what NOT to do during your first ninety-days. That was like a dose of encouragement to me. My sponsor was deadlocked, eye to eye… listening to what I had to say. Brandon was smiling like a proud little brother would. Thinking back to when I got my first 90 days, JJ was here. Sarah was a brand-new character in the story of my life and recovery. There was some kind of BBQ and dance at our club, I want to say it was for July 4th but that wouldn’t line up with my April 14th dry date? I’m not sure but I know I claimed my chip outside of my usual group. I remember that night we met Skittles and Brain at the dance. I had just started sponsoring Sarah. My head was already beginning to get heavy… Everything is different now… I’m different. I’ve made progress. Progress that may not have happened without the last relapse. Relationships I’m also celebrating my dry date of September 20th regarding abstinence from MEN but mostly fleshly desires of instant gratification. I haven’t got laid in FOUR months! I know too much info… And before that… was Randy so it was a while ago…and I have no intentions of joining my body with another’s until mind and soul will also be joined, in a sense. I talked to my sponsor last Wednesday about relationships. She talked about how it’s important to stay single through the first year and pursue God and sobriety… but she also spoke of the importance of finding someone that is moving in the same direction. And that it’s possible and likely that person will come along before the year is up… but it won’t be a ‘boy meets girl’ instant attraction… not if both parties are emotionally stable. What’s most important is being involved with someone that wants progress and growth… someone that I can grow with… what she said really impacted me and I ask myself certain questions when I see a man showing interest in me. Is this someone that would be willing to grow with me? Does this man appear to be emotionally healthy? Would it be a step up or a step down to get emotionally entwined with this person? It really cuts the list down short. Recent Examples Some examples: The seven foot tall guy that comes with the Christian rehab to volunteer once a week… asked me for my phone number several weeks ago. I told him I was claiming abstinence at this time and I didn’t want to give out my phone number. He seemed cool with it, it took him by surprise, was evident by his reaction but he seemed to respect it. This Monday he was back at the warehouse. This time he wrote his phone number down and gave it to me. I accepted it, thanked him for it… and then trashed it when he wasn’t looking. Why? He isn’t accepting the fact that I have my own aspirations at this time and they don’t include the making of a romantic relationship… if in fact, it is meant for him and I to be together…it would happen regardless, so it shows me that he is impatient and doesn’t respect my wishes. Ok, I’m going overboard here… but still… I already told him I wasn’t interested. First of all… He just got out of prison. He is mandated by the courts to be in this rehab until April 2008. I tend to think he should have other goals at the top of his list instead of finding him a honey. Thanks Randy! You’re passing through my life was not without purpose. So when I ask myself the above question regarding seven foot tall dude… I am convinced to mark him off the list. Another example: The man that delivers water to my place of business. I don’t even know his name…He asked me out the other day. I didn’t give him a straight up answer at first instead I asked questions about his life and what he is about. I learned that he has been married for over twenty years, recently found out his wife was cheating on him with another man. Has filed for divorce within the last month. AND here is the KICKER- His wife STILL lives in the same house with him! They sleep separately. They both want this divorce… BUT they are tied together through the home and business and have yet to part ways. Uh… let me think… NO! Absolutely NOT…Not interested in a dinner, a movie… nothing! The Nerve! It’s just really cool that I am OK with me enough to make a choice. I don’t need a man to validate who I am. I use too… Before recovery, I would have accepted both men’s invitations… and I would have been left emotionally battered and bruised in both situations. Because neither man is capable of giving me what I really desire… Then there’s the Brandon story, (20-year-old recovering meth addict)… I have come to believe that Brandon is attracted to me in a brother/sister type way… and that’s really cool! I like that. He is very affectionate… loves to give hugs and has formed the habit of calling me ‘Momma’… which I think is cute. Brandon has a strong personality… he’s a little sweet talker too, polite and outgoing. I feel a friendship type bond building between him and I. Though I’m not his sponsor… I do think he respects me and listens to what I have to say. I can get through to him… I am his ‘connect’ in the sober world. Every recovering addict needs one of me! Thanksgiving Eve 2007 Four pans of cornbread, two bags of Celery, two Onions, 10 cans of Chicken broth, 4 sticks of butter, 8 boiled eggs, 4 beaten eggs and part of Jen’s finger created the first 20lbs of cornbread dressing! I got so carried away… acting like Rachel Ray on thirty-minute meals… looking all slick chopping my celery sticks and damn near chopped off my finger! Got myself good… still hurts…  So I cooked 40lbs of dressing all together. 20 lbs. of mashed tators… my hands ache from mashing all of em’! I was gonna cook up a sweet potato pie last night but…. I didn’t buy brown sugar at the store cause I thought I had some… I thought wrong. So this morning my sponsor’s son ran me over some brown sugar… Thanksgiving Morning 2007 Here I sit in the warmth of my blessed home. Looking out my balcony window at the snow falling. (Yeah! It’s snowing in West Texas!) I’m listening to Ann Murray singing about MY life so beautifully in the song ‘Amazing Grace’. I’m sipping on a fresh cup of coffee. Meow sleeps contentedly on the back of our recliner. The sweet smell of pie fills the warm air. The snowflakes are huge! They are so pretty. The sliding glass door is foggy from the heat inside colliding with the cold outside. As I stared out into the world a few moments ago, I wrote on the foggy glass… “I love Jesus”, and boy do I ever… If it wasn’t for Jesus, I wouldn’t be the Jen that I am today. The heat inside A heart that’s on fire… What more could I ask for? ** Jen falls to her knees and thanks God through her tears of joy ** Who am I, O’ Sovereign Lord, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?” ~ 2 Samuel 7:18 It’s a beautiful day. It’s a beautiful life. I’m so glad to be alive--- My friends are all waiting on me. I guess I should go… Sponsor’s son is coming to help me carry all my cooking to the club. I promised my step-dad a Sweet Potato pie when I called this morning and sang… Happy Happy Thanksgiving Babbbyyyy! I know I’m acting kind of crazy… I’m drunk on the spirit of GOD… I love you all and wishing you the best Thanksgiving ever! |
I just finished tugging up about 100lbs of food for me to prepare this evening to then turn around and carry right back down the stairs and to my AA club tomorrow at noon. Times like these I miss having a big daddy around… But I have to ask thyself… is it worth the hassle? Hell No… I’ll just drag heavy shit up the stairs all by my lonesome! And then bitch blog about it!  I am in a mood today… I’m sitting here eating milk and cookies. Gawd! I can’t remember the last time I had milk and cookies. Might have even been back in the kid years… sheesssh… it’s about time I gave myself some dad-gum milk and cookies!  Dad-gum = my mother’s version of a cuss word… I can only assume that is the correct spelling. I wonder if mom even knows how to spell it? So I had to swing home and get my recipes… off to the bank I go… Got some cashola… then shot across the street to go Wal-Martin’… There are no buggies… they are all either being used or out in the parking lot. So I make a U-EY and go get me a buggy … I spent $70 on Girl stuff! Yeah! Like hair conditioner, makeup… and… uh… well that’s it! My sponsor gave me $50 to buy the ingredients I needed for my dressing and mashed tators… I went over $10 even! I had to fight somebody in every aisle! No… really I’m a friendly shopper. I am very considerate to people that pass me by and I smile and make jokes… just shoot the shit, so really I didn’t fight with no one but we were all buying the same thing! You know! Corn bread shit, Celery, Pie Crusts… We could have just followed the leader through the entire store. Anyway, I am making my EX Mother-in-law’s Cornbread dressing. It is all from scratch… I got to make the cornbread today, let it cool… chop my celery onions and bullshit, boil my eggs, have it all mixed up together and ready to go in the oven for an hour tomorrow before the scheduled eating time. I am also making about 20lbs worth of mashed tators… My sponsor talked about last year how she peeled, boiled and prepared 20lbs of mash and swore she would never do that again. Hey! I say we are having cottage-mashed tators! The skin has the most nutrition! They are STAYING in my batch… Then I’m going to make me some sweet potato pies from scratch… Got my sweet tators, going boil them big boys and see if I can’t whip em’ up into something fine tasting. I like to cook but I have to say… This is weird… I didn’t cook last year cause I was in El Paso working… but every year before I have always enjoyed being in the kitchen and whipping up something, I’ve always had me a few glasses bottles of wine as I prepare my masterpieces… I feel like somethings missing now! Go ahead and ask any alcoholic the definition of a few… So it’s just WEIRD! I bought myself some of my favorite coffee creamer and that’s what I have to look forward to sipping as I cook. Fucking weird. So I have most definitely got to get in tune with my spirituality TODAY… RIGHT now… and seek to find the real high from the highest power. But first I need a nap… milk and cookies done kicked in and made me sleepy… Gotta Go! I will be catching up with all my sweeties on here very soon! I’m a slacker! I’ve been a busy girl… Love ME |
| http://video.music.yahoo.com/up/music/popup/?rn=1301797&vid=48605781&stationId=&... I step out for a smoke break, walk back through the door and John is at my DESK! He pulls up this song tells me it’s how he feels about me and then goes back up stairs.  How many other girls you say this too? I ask… He puts his index finger across his lips… shhh… uhuhh.. John is a weird dude! But he’s fun sometimes to mess with. My back hurts! … I forgot my recipe from home… I was going to make my shopping list while here t work… dammit! Oh well… I have a good idea what I need really… I forgot to bring my plants in from the patio! I took them out this weekend to water… I hope they didn’t freeze! Grrr… I am so ready to get out of this Food BANK for a minute a lonnnnggg five day minute! Check out my new siggy  from Joshiahis   ... Way cool Huh!!! I like it ALOT! |
| It’s been a day! Lifestyles of the NOT so rich and famous… I guess I understand why the ladies in the warehouse seem to be shitty acting to our mandated kid volunteers. The kiddies are assholes! See… I trick em’… I appear to be a softie and a pushover… I’m cool, I’m sweet… but if you cross me… I can turn into mean bitch is .01 seconds. It really shocks the hell out of em’, but they respect me and know where my line is… I’m also the hour keeper… that helps in persuading them to pucker up when I walk in the room. Eve uses me as a threat to the kids… My magic fingers and me… she calls it… I overheard her telling one kid that she was going to come get me if they didn’t straighten up. One little typo and all your hours could be erased! Yeah, it’s a mad house up there! New truck driver is working tonight too… He’s a cool dude but I kind of yelled at him tonight, Hope he can take it like a man. I didn’t mean to be shitty but I think it came across that way. There were just some boys standing around on the dock, one of em’ was getting all mouthy with me so I had just got done jumping his ass and they tell me new driver told them to wait there for him, so I go ask if in deed he did… and it came across a little snappy cause the boy had just pissed me off. Ah… well … I’m busting out my Thanksgiving recipes! The one thing my mother in law did do good by me was teach me how to cook! I have an excellent recipe for dressing and I got it from her. I love to cook and I love to cook in large quantities so it’s cool that I get to cook for my club. I will be busy doing that tomorrow, once I get out of work at NOON! YaY! Christmas bonus is suppose to be given to us tomorrow… so I’m hoping for a good one! I’m not in a real good mood. I haven’t been all day… I just have so much going on in my mind. I’m disappointed with some things right now… and I’m just not very happy go lucky. It’s like some things are different, people come and people go… but nothing really changes. I think I’m tired… When I’m tired I can get really down and out… I don’t do tired well. I think spooning with the Meowster is what I need right now. Tomorrow will be brighter day! A cold front is coming through! Gonna Snow and shit… Hey! Maybe it will be to icy on the streets and I’ll have to stay home and sleep in!!!! Shit… I just looked at the weather forecast; it’s going to be sixty degrees tomorrow… So much for staying home… the snow is this weekend, Saturday the high Is like… 35 … Thanksgiving the high is… 42… I can’t believe I’m blogging about the weather… how lame. BYE! |
| Yesterday was a Monday from hell for me! The day wasn’t so bad it was just ME, really. The call from my dad wasn’t at an opportune time. Sure, I appreciate it tremendously… the timing was hard on me. Having to come to work in the emotional condition I was in was not easy. I considered going home, everyone thought I was sick! Except Brandon, he knew it was a crying face. Then I thought, what the heck would I do at home? I had much to accomplish here so I threw myself into it. I was still bitchy… snapped at almost everyone that crossed my path. I don’t know if it’s the call, the 90- days… or just because it was a damn Monday but I was ugly. Yes, I was… I went home and took a two hour nap… decided I needed to withdraw and that is exactly what I did. I appreciate my dad calling me like that. I really do… but it was for him, not for me. I hope that it makes him feel better. I hope that he understands that I love him no matter what and not base it even on how I act at times. I wish that this was a step into a relationship with my father but it’s not. My father and I will never be close… it’s not because I can’t forgive and it damn sure isn’t because I don’t want a relationship with him, because I always have… up until about a year ago, I thought he hung the moon, and I justified, made excuses for what he said and did. Sure, I’m going to start calling him on holidays. I’m going to start acknowledging the fact that he is my father; I haven’t done that most of my adult life. Many times it’s because I didn’t know how to get a hold of him… but within the last year, I have known exactly where he is but yet I had no desire to call him up for any reason. My tears from yesterday were because I wish things could have been different. I wish that we could have a daughter – father relationship…The type of butterfly kisses relationship isn’t even in my vocabulary when it comes to my father but… I wish we could have had something more… but I know we never will. He is a stranger to me… and even NOW when I am in his presence, he pisses me off… maybe I expect too much. I have to accept the fact that he loves me the only way he knows how. Like I’ve heard before, just because someone doesn’t love you the way you think they should, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with everything they got. Also, my tears were because I feel sorry for my dad. He is a miserable person and has always been. The same demon that pinned him in the corner has come after me… but dad could never see outside of himself long enough to fight the good fight. I feel sorry that he has missed out on knowing me… if he really knew me, he would be so proud of me. I’m just like him; I have so many of his characteristics… except I choose life. I could go on and on about the dad situation. I really need to be writing on this topic at home in my own privacy instead of here at work. So for now, I’ll be moving on… It’s MY BIRTHDAY!!! 90- Days sobriety, round TWO… Yay! For the Blonde! I’ll be attending the 5:30 meeting, but will bail as soon as I get my chip and make my stand… I volunteered myself to work in the warehouse tonight…well I won’t be working, I’ll be supervising. I told Eve that I want the rough kids; I got some bones to pick with em! I need to show them how to properly SIGN IN and also ensure that my front area is cleaned nice and good before we go out for Thanksgiving break… so it’s gonna be a long day! But I’m all about it… I’ll be back when you least expect me…  |
| My phone rang at 6:00 this morning, my dad’s name on the caller ID. I answer it thinking the worst. He seldom calls and never at 6:00AM. I immediately ask if everything is ok, he assures me that it is. He says he’s been up all night thinking about me. Said he knows he’s been a dickhead dad and there are things he wishes he would have done differently. Told me he was sorry for what he has done and even for what he didn’t do… sorry for not being the kind of father I deserved. Tears streamed down my face immediately. Just out of the blue he is calling and saying this… I didn’t understand… He kept on by saying he’s been thinking about times past and recognized he had done a lot of things wrong. I’ve been a dickhead… he said. He said no matter how I’ve acted, I always loved you. I’m all kinds of upset… and I shouldn’t be. This should be a good thing. I couldn’t put on my makeup because of the tears streaming down my face. I’m crying now sitting in the front office of my place of business. I just can’t get it together. I asked my dad before we hung up to do me a favor… think about the things he did right and let go of what he did wrong. He responded by saying, yeah, I did some things right but I did a whole lot more wrong. I’ve got to pull myself together, go smoke… step out for a minute and just focus on getting my job done and try not to think about this right now. |
| November 20, 2007 I am celebrating another 90 days of complete abstinence from mind-altering chemicals, alcohol and any and all types of drug. If it wasn’t for the ONE relapse I would be celebrating my first six months of sobriety… So what happened? What put that relapse into action? I don’t remember if I asked God to keep me sober the morning of August 17th… but chances are I did not. I was quite arrogant in my sobriety. I had over a hundred days and I was sponsoring another girl. I felt I had this sobriety thing whooped though I would not dare to tell you that. I know the big book well enough to understand there is no cure for this, but you see I was special. I wasn’t a typical garden-variety drunk… no, I was different. I never said this out loud, never even said it to myself… but inside I believed I was better than the others were. Today, I have to remind myself daily that for the Grace of God… there go I… I really had no desire to drink or drug. God has taken that away from me. It’s not the first thing that comes to my mind when things are good or bad any more. I say often in meetings when I’m called to speak… I didn’t WANT to use when I relapsed. I just did because that’s what I’ve always done. I knew before I took that first shot of whisky that I was giving my ability to make choices over to an iced glass of poison. I knew that there was no telling where that drink would take me. But I was still willing and dead set on taking it… why? I needed the inner peace that I knew would come with that bottle of whisky, if only for a night. I needed a break… A break from the resentments I was harboring, from the sadness of the world, a break from fucking ME… my ego was the death of that time spent in sobriety. Instead of turning to God and facing what I felt inside, I turned to a cheap bottle of whisky with hopes of numbing it. It worked for a night… and surfaced the following days with vengeance. Whatever is buried alive… never dies. 1. I wasn’t spending time with God. 2. I wasn’t talking to my sponsor about what was going on in my life. 3. I put all my focus on ‘fixing’ my sponsee as if I was God himself, thus denied my own needs. Note to self: yes, it’s ok to have those. 4.I was harboring resentments and put no effort into giving those over to God. 5. I was standing still in my own sobriety and ultimately made the decision to take a step backwards instead of forwards. I practiced one of my longest character defects, in that I was so focused on fixing someone else that I ignored myself. I’ve done this in almost every relationship I’ve ever had… it’s mostly with men, but since I had so much of my self worth invested into my sponsee… it was just almost the same type of relationship. Had I been spending time with God… I would have had the wisdom available to me. I would have still struggled with the same issues… but chances are I would have made better choices. So what’s the underlying reason for my relapse? The truth as I see it… too much of me and not enough of God. Choosing to isolate myself within this blaze Oblivious to the helping hands of grace and guidance Considering another expedition in this twisted maze Consumed by the flames, yielding to subsidence Wrestling with a beast that intends to defeat Waging a war in the battlefield of my mind When I think I found victory, then a surge of heat Cowardly surrendering to the ties that bind Where do I find shelter from the flames that abound? How do I extinguish this before I turn to ash? Will I ever learn to recognize the sparks before they confound? Or am I destined to incinerate and once again crash? I turn my ear to Wisdom as she cries out to me and you “Stay drenched with Living Water and these flames can not subdue” “Don’t let your soil dry and harden, keep His Water soaking through” “ I, Lady Wisdom, stand available for all that pursue” She’s positioned and eager to give to us her beauty She calls out loudly to those with ears that hear Her loveliness and benefits far surpass that of rubies To those that seek her, she will always appear. ~ BeautyFromAshes ~ |
| It’s been an easy ride today. I’ve been in a mellow mood most of the weekend. Though I took it easy today, I did a lot of what I had planned to do. Cleaned out my closet. Washed two loads of laundry. Hung pictures that have been on the floor leaned up against the wall since Lou died in July. Cleaned out my purse. Cleaned out my ‘to go’ makeup bag (four inches of eyeliner shavings in the bottom). Dusted the bedroom furniture. Made the bed! Watched back to back forensic file episodes. Played with fuzzy (the cat, you perv!). Laid up in the bed zoning. Wrote my Morning Prayer on pretty paper. Baked a family pack of Chicken thighs at ten o’clock tonight. Had a brawl with the saran wrap and lost. Cooked Angel hair pasta in Alfredo sauce, decided that Alfredo sauce is nasty stuff!  Fetched water. Got pissed off at fuzzy and made her take time out on the balcony. Cleaned the kitchen. Took a nap. Took a cold shower. Grew fascinated with author, James Elroy, whom I saw on Court TV, Murder by the book, decided to look for his books. Kept all the windows and doors closed today until the sun went down. Jammed to Evanescence when I wasn’t watching TV. I haven’t spent any time in deep thought. I have no words of wisdom to offer… I’ve been in a zone. It’s been nice. Now I’m grumpy, sinus headache, ears ringing, Meow has been up my butt all day… damn she is annoying sometimes. How do you unspoil a spoiled 12 year old cat? Sheesshh… I’m getting a dog next time. What to do tomorrow? Take out the trash. Water the plants. Do something with that damn fish tank. Do some bill figuring. Vacuum. Work on writing projects. I have three in mind. Small writes. And be a lazy ass! I need to call it a day. I’m exhaustingly worthless… |
| Near the Charles River in December of 1619, a group of British settlers led by Captain John Woodlief knelt in prayer and pledged "Thanksgiving" to God for their healthy arrival after a long voyage across the Atlantic. This event has been acknowledged by some scholars and writers as the official first Thanksgiving among European settlers on record. In 1621, after a hard and devastating first year in the New World the Pilgrim's fall harvest was very successful and plentiful. They found they had enough food to put away for the winter. They beat the odds, built homes in the wilderness, raised plentiful crops, and were at peace with their Indian neighbors. Their Governor, William Bradford, proclaimed a day of thanksgiving to be shared by all the colonists and the neighboring Native American Indians. In 1863 President Abraham Lincoln appointed a national day of thanksgiving. ** Is there a long voyage that you are traveling through safely and healthily? I know there is! Now, KNEEL in prayer and Thank GOD for all you’ve gone through! Why? Cause uh… you are still going right? There is the first shout of praise! Take it from there… Ungrateful people are unhappy people. I’m a happy girl! When I get on a pity pot… I can feel my joy slipping away but when I start thinking of all the things I do have instead of what I don’t have… I feel that calm delight filling my heart again. Make yourself a gratitude list and feel that high… it rocks! I’ll be clocking out of work at noon on Wednesday and won’t return back until Monday the 26th. Our Thanksgiving work is about to end, we have supplied our agencies with the product and now we sit back and let them do their thing! Some will have meals prepared; others will provide Thanksgiving boxes to families. Like I’ve said before, we serve 22 counties, provide product to over 180 non-profit agencies. We are like a bank but we distribute food instead of money. I get frustrated at times… more so than not about how some things are done at my place of business. I have a vision of how it COULD be… and I want to just go up in there and demand it be the way I can see it! But I’m not in the position nor do I have the authority to do any of that… Not Yet… So, I’ll just keep (keep on keeping on) pleading the Blood of Christ from wall to wall of that building… then SUDDENLY… God will show up. Ah… He’s already there; not a doubt about it… but God’s a mysterious kind of guy. He’s hard to understand sometimes. His work begins with the man in the mirror (or woman) and he works outwardly from there. IF ONLY everyone would let God reign in their lives… can you imagine the beauty we would all find? This is what I hope for … this is my prayer. I’m not going to Amarillo with my folks for Thanksgiving. I’m not going over to my step-dad’s side of the family for Thanksgiving either. During my years of drinking, I isolated from my mother’s family and now they are strangers to me. Honestly, I never really liked them all that much anyway. My mom doesn’t even like them! But she is much better at faking a good time than me. My step-dad’s family are strangers to me. I don’t care to spend the day with strangers, pretending to care about the meaningless conversations that take place. I’ll spend that day with whom I’m most thankful for. I’ll be at my club for some of the day, feasting with my friends in sobriety. I’ll most likely be here on WDC writing my heart out for my faceless friends all over the world. So many of you have been so instrumental in my life and recovery. It honestly amazes me how friendship and love can be built even through electronic wires. Some people click, some do not…just like in the real world… I’ll dive deeper another time. This morning I woke up late…was an hour late to work. I was so dazed and confused this morning. I felt like I was hungover! Sucked too! I woke up with my right eye swollen SHUT. Allergies I had to close one eye to drive to work. I could not put on makeup at all… I tried to put some face powder on and my tears washed it right back off. Both eyes were swollen, blood shot and tearing when I walked into work… I was in bad shape…  It took about an hour for my trusty ‘ Advil Cold & Sinus’ medicine to kick in and I got better. Ok, One funny thing happened at work today: I have been corresponding with a truck driver for the last two days. He was coming from Dallas and bringing us a truckload of chickens right? Well poor dude kept having all kinds of mechanical problems and for two days has had to keep calling me to postpone his dock time. First time I talked to him, he asked how I was? I said I was good… he said he would need proof of that, of course I bust out laughing and come back with some kind of something… so this is how it began two days ago. We’ve been cutting up and laughing with each conversation since. He started calling me the ‘Love of his life’ … Even when someone else would catch the phone he would ask to speak to the love of his life. It was all in good fun. He was actually a decent guy when I met him today… old guy… and a little ugly but a cool dude. So he was finally able to make it in this morning and I was expecting him to walk in about 9:30 or so… Well, this dude comes through the door about that time and I belt out, “So you’re the Love of my Life!” Dude gives me that deer in the headlight look… stands there in shock for a good couple of minutes then he says… “Uh… mayyybbeee.”  So I offer him a cup of coffee and point him to the break room. I had several other people standing at my desk needing help with different things and was tied up assisting them. So like a few minutes later another man walks through the door. He belts out… “There you are! The love of my life!” So then I stare at him with that deer in the headlight look. I go into the break room and ask the first dude if I can help him and he says, “yeah, I came in to see if I can get a box of food!” I turned so many shades of red… yes I did! I told food box dude and truck driver the story and we were all laughing. Then I hooked dude up with a big ol’ box of food… and truck driver was a decent guy. He told me all about his wife and how she is always late every where they go, talked about the difference between supper and dinner, told his life story … and he’s from Missouri, but he wasn’t at all pursuing me. He told me right before he left that I’m a fun gal… He enjoyed laughing with me for a while. Yeah, ditto… So then I head over to mom’s house at quitting time… Drum roll please… My mother has offered to pay off my car for me. We did some of the math and learned that I am paying $35 a DAY (or week, shit I can’t remember) in interest alone! That’s a total of $1700 added to the actual price of the car. I’ve been paying on it for two years now and I have a little over $8,000 left owed, without interest! Americredit is charging me 18% interest. My mother has offered to pay them off and sign on as my leinholder. She offered an interest rate of 8.25%. Which in turn will damn near save me $1700 in the long run. So, I would still make the same monthly payment as I do now but it would go to mom… but in the long run it will save me some dollars. I’m thinking that’s a good deal. I haven’t given them an answer yet. I wanted to think about it. My only concern is building my credit. I wanted this car to be a good mark on my credit report. I don’t know if paying it off within two years would be that? I need to do some researching and considering. It’s very nice of them regardless what I choose to do; I appreciate them wanting to save me some money. So then I came home and sponsor came by. I brewed some coffee, whipped up some finger sandwiches, sliced some cucumbers and she talked to me about meditation techniques. Then I laid down on the floor, lights out… meditation music on… and she walked me through it. Squeeze your butt cheeks… Now release … haha… we did this with every body part. I liked it when she told me to envision sitting on a rock and watching water trickle, let the noise in your mind trickle out just like the water you see, now look up and see this huge hand reaching down to you from the clouds. This is God’s hand. He want’s you to hand him everything that concerns you. Place it all in God’s huge hand. So then she tells me to bask in God’s presence and next thing I hear my front door is shutting. I peek through my eyelid and She's gone! Poof Just like that… I was a little butt hurt at first, she didn’t say bye or nothing! but she did leave the bottle of liquid French vanilla creamer that she brought with her… so I was happy then. Still I haven’t heard anything from her. So, I took a nap… woke up just in time for my Friday night show, ‘Ghost Whisperers’ and dang… it spooked me! I was a little scared… I planned on taking a shower after the show but I was scared! I had to collect myself! It was about two evil spirits that were conspiring to harm these people that moved into their house. Oppressing spirits: A belief that the work of fallen spirits or demons (sometimes called "encostos") have real oppressing power on people. Such oppressing spirits can act directly on the person, through a demonic possession, or around of it, conspiring, through other people or circumstances. I was freaked! Had to say the Lord’s Prayers several times and finally got the nerve to bathe. I'm going to see what I can learn about these spooky spirits. |
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