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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
| It's nap time for this ol' gal... don't try to stop me either! I know you don't want me to go but I must I'll be back! When you least expect me. |
I have an ingrown toenail…on my big toe  I have a crack in my longest fingernail… it’s gonna hurt coming off… I have this huge blemish on my cheek… Face cheek! FYII do have a birthmark on my left butt cheek. Momma always said if she saw my butt being flashed around she’d recognize it right away!  …Shhh… I’m not real sure where or why the switch happened in my mood. I think it’s the frappin’ barrels! I was working on them again today after lunch since my boss is out of town doing boss things, I had to put the wall paper crap on them and I SUCK at that! I got a volunteer to come help me and he SUCKED at it too. So I gave up and got Big B to come help, she did a better job than I did. I just can’t get all them BUBBLES out! Who cares if it’s got bubbles anyway!  A few bubbles never hurt nobody! Yeah, ok … there were more than a few in my wall papered barrels.  It’s cold in Texas! Nobody told me it was going to be cold! I should watch the news more often, I guess. I was nice and cozy in here putting on my face this morning … even broke a little sweat cause I was rushing… walk out my front door and turn into a Jenicicle instantly! I’m brewing some coffee as I write this, just lit a few candles… Now I need a snuggle buddy! Meow is too hairy and she only wants loving when she wants it! Good ol’ faithful frogger… He still has my name wrote on his butt tag from rehab. They put my name on everything I had there. Even my blow dryer still has my name taped to it! Man… time flies… I have piles of work on my desk and as soon as I think I’m on top of it all… here comes another pile! It’s a never-ending battle! I need to finish my reading on the 12th step, suppose to meet with sponsor tomorrow. I guess I’ll read myself to sleep tonight. I’m glad to be home now… I need a song break… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1a76FeV2-Dw Talks To Angels – just one of my fav’s. You should know why. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06bHooOCXps Sacred Ground- I wanted my ex to feel this song with me, but he wasn’t musically inclined. He never could understand songs. I’ll never could understand that. * Shrugs * http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RK2yalB6pWs Even though we ain’t got money- this is just an awesome song. Dude has an awesome voice. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6OClYq3I4_0 This song ROCKS coming from a woman. Just seems more powerful to me. I sang this one often at karoke clubs back in the day. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLBgmbXBOb8 – I sang this one often too… Took me MONTHS to get this song down… hard to sing. I played the viola back in Jr. High… I was too cool to play in the orchestra during high school though. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5UbPNIKdto – This song one of my girlfriends sang often. It fits where I am now. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XotCVM8NWIs – Texas Women!  And my one of my favorite outlaws singing about ME! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIuAQPKp4x0 – I love this song… BUT it will always remind me of my ex husband. Why? I heard this song for the first time on a night that I was at a bar and my ex and his new girlfriend walked in. I was so wasted! I wanted to fight her… he was holding me back from her. The only reason I wasn’t kicked out of that club is cause my dad’s friend owns the joint, still to this day he does… I hung out there every night of the week. It’s a karoke club called, “Music Row.” I don’t even remember what all happened that night but I do remember this song playing and they danced to it. It was the first time I had ever seen him with another woman. I did not like it. I asked a man I didn’t know to dance. My ex and I kept making eye contact when our partner’s backs were turned and we faced each other on the dance floor. This was before the divorce was final… we were both still hurting. It could be seen in both our eyes. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=noK3TorC9Xc – Another one of my songs. I can kick ass on this song! I think I do better than what’s her name! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OclvB17h4kg – This is where I am now too! Getting dressed for success! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EmSJDOVGIL8 – and one of my favorite love songs. Damn JEN! You said ‘A’ song break! There is no such thing as ONE of anything with me! It’s all or nothing! Anyway, I cheered myself up somewhat. If it wasn’t for Meow jumping up in my lap getting her fuzz stuck to my freshly lotioned face, I’d be fine and dandy! Punk! I woke up in a good mood before the alarm even sounded I was awake but sitting in the dark smoking. Of course I was still late to work… * shrug again * I just got a call from my mother telling me to come talk to her and Mike when I get off of work tomorrow, said they both want to sit down and talk to me. I start trippin! “Are one of you sick?” “Did something happen to JJ?” “Are we going to talk about your Will?” “Give me a hint!!!” but she wouldn’t… only said that it’s nothing bad, no one is sick… it’s a surprise and it’s a good thing. I WANT TO KNOW NOW! “You going to buy me a house?” … that’s what I wanted to say but I didn’t… it has to be about my living arrangements because that is the main topic between us all right now. There is this little house across the street from them, real cute on the outside but tore to shit on the inside… but hey, I’m the fixer upper type… but it’s $40,000 … which you know… I think I got $2.50 in the bottom of my purse. Would that work as a down payment? Prolly not… I’ve been scoping it out every time I go over there but I know that’s not it cause it’s requires to many repairs and I’m not in a position to do that right now. I’m going to drive myself crazy … I’ll just stop thinking about it. But she want’s it to be her and Mike… not just mom. I seldom sit down with them both for a deep discussion about anything… what could this be? Maybe they are going to buy a house and let me rent to own it from them? My folks got some cash… they live like they just make it from day to day but they got some stashed… Mike is a tight ass and my mother makes good money and has all her life in the nursing field. Mike use to work in the oilfield but is retired… he has his own lawnmower repair shop in the backyard and is known all over town for his expertise on small engines. Oh have mercy! It’s prolly none of the above! They prolly want me to help them rearrange the livingroom furniture or something. Well… today at work Hector’s girlfriend walked in asking for a food box. (Hector is an 18-year-old probationer that was shot to death) She was carrying their little baby. I didn’t recognize her until I saw her name on the application. Hector was at the food bank the day he died. That day is when he was taking off on break with a 17-year-old in his car and I got on to him for it. After that he was proclaiming his desire to live a good life and showed me pictures of his girlfriend and baby on his cell phone as his reason for wanting to do so. I told his little girlfriend today about that. I told her that Hector was good to us and that he bragged about her and the baby often and showed her pictures around. She started crying, gasped for air and barely got out the words, “I miss him so much.” I started tearing up watching her cry and quickly put on the professional act and got her box out to her. I was in a daze for a good while after she left. I think that was God ordained. I think she needed to hear what I knew about Hector and his last days here on Earth. I was shook up over it for a while… I wanted to give her something, I thought about his time card… I still have it in the top drawer of my desk… but that would be corny! I just sucked it up and did my job without letting on how much this event has effected me too. Every day at lunch…me and the man that lives underneath me pull up and walk to our front doors at the exact same time! This has been going on for a long time now! Since I changed parking area’s back when I went into hiding from old buddies that know where I live… we now park right next to each other. This is the guy that I use to go round and round with over my loud music. Yeah, we have had some brawls… He is an old hippy and I say he should be thankful it ain’t fucking tejano or rap that I’m blasting through the walls. He says… I should turn that shit off by ten at night. Well… we don’t have that problem no more but back then he would beat on my floor and I would turn it up even louder! He would call the courtesy cop and I would wait till dude leaves and crank it even more so… but now we are sort of friendly with each other… I guess it helps that I’m not drunk and pissed off at the world like I use to be. We have even got to where we say ‘Hello’ in passing… but nothing more. He still reminds me of a walking erection… Well yesterday as we both exited our cars at the same time and proceeded to walk the sidewalk to where are front doors are vertical to each other at the exact same time for the umpteenth time… without filter… I burped out… “We are going to have to stop meeting like this… I think they are on to us.” He looked at me like I was a nut! Yeah! I thought I offended him at first… then he smiled and we walked on to our homes… Hell I thought it was damn funny! Just goes to show… stick in the mud old man! Today at work I could not stop laughing! This was after the visit from Hector’s family… a probationer came in to make a donation for probation right? So I take their name, Probation officers name and SS# and I write it on a copy of their receipt for our records. Oh Gawd! I’m cracking now just thinking about it…. So dude says his name and I ask him to spell it… He spells out C H I T T Y I write down on the paper S H I T T Y Corey Shitty  Oh I’m rolling again over here! So I’m thinking to myself, damn… gotta suck to have a last name like that… I guess it was his mother with him, an elderly lady… and I was like paused contemplating the name… this long silence between us all…they were like, Uh… ma’am… no it’s Chitty. LOL… I just bust out laughing! They bust out laughing! Maybe you had to be there… but I could NOT stop laughing! His mom asked about him doing some hours with us… and she said, hell you guys done hit it off… I say, Yeah… I already have a nick name for him even… We are just all cracking up … OMG it was too funny. I’m over here tearing up cause I’m laughing now! So then dude comes back later in the day to make another donation at the request of his probation officer… I say something like, Oh you’re my friend from early… what are you back for? He said, yeah… I came back to get cussed at some more! All through out the day, I would think of this and just bust out laughing, everyone around me is like, What’s so funny? I try to tell them through my bolts of laughter and they just don’t see the humor! Well, you just had to be there OKAY! I’m going to laugh myself to sleep… Night Night… |
| I bolted to the Wal-Mart right at quitting time. John had asked for a ride home and I mumbled… “I guess” and rolled my eyes. I was only kidding! I think he took me seriously since he got a ride from another. Oh well… he does live on the other side of town then I do. So… if he found someone going that way… good! I didn’t question… just pinched his butt and said bye ‘Big Daddy’… If anything ever did go on between John and I it would ruin the fun that we have with each other. It would make it all serious and uncomfortable. Not to mention…I do not want to entwine work with pleasure ever AGAIN! He has an abscess tooth so he keeps coming to me for painkillers. (I have a drawer full) … I poured a few out into his hand … “My what big hands you have…” He really does have some monster hands for such a little guy. “I’ve got other big parts too” he response… Something like that… he gets all quiet and talks under his breath when he says something sexually… plus I have a hard time hearing him anyway. He mumbles! Yeah, he is back from vacation. Sherry is back from her father’s funeral. Eve and I were busting ass last week since she and Francis were the only two in shop all week. Francis is a whack job… talks all the time but never says nothing! Not a good hand either. However, looks like a new driver will be hired. He came in today to interview, we’re just waiting on the OK from our insurance, they had to run his background. He was straight up about some speeding tickets he got at the first of the year. So, bosses were all for him but it’s just a matter of insurance being willing to cover him. He and I hit it off the minute he walked in; instant shooting the shit and cutting up… he has a very outgoing personality. I think he will be fun to work with. An older man, been married 26 years… just really outgoing but he does look like an old dope head to me. At the Wal-Mart I did my grocery shopping that I never did on Sunday. I bought myself a pair of slacks. $20!!!! But they are nice… and comfortable! Came home… did some ironing, boiling some eggs… just the domestic shit… and got a little up to date with the life of YOU… did some youtubing as always… and uh… now HERE I GO AGAIN! I CAN’T KEEP AWAY… I have been trying to find THAT song on Youtube all day and I just don’t think it’s there. Brandon (20 year old volunteer from Christian rehab that has a CRUSH on me) was in shop today. Yes… I realized it today. He asked me what my sign is. *biglaugh* “Aquarius, what’s yours?” “Capricorn… we are compatible.” He says. Jen says… “ ” … at a loss for words. So I search my mind quickly and fearlessly for something to say… “So when’s your birthday?” “I’ll be 21 in January.” He replies. “Oh… I’ll be 31 in February.” I wait for his response. “Oh!  I didn’t think you were that old! You look 25!” “Yeah… Oil of Olay, baby! ” “I’ve always dated older women.” He whispers. “I’ve always dated older men.” *biglaugh* I bail out of the break room… he screams after me… “You want to sit in here with us for break?” “No. I don’t take break with everyone else. I just go smoke when I feel like it and that’s my break. Thanks though!” Conversation over! Till later when he asked if I had written that poem for him. No. He tells me about his drug history, turns out he was into meth. He showed me a picture of him at 86 pounds! Yeah! He is a skinny guy now… maybe 130 or so… but he was awful looking on that shit! I’m glad that he has found recovery so early in his life. I hope that he sticks with it. I honestly have never dated a guy younger than me. I’m racking my brain to try and remember just ONE and I can’t. I have seldom dated men my own age… I just don’t see it happening. Brandon has a cute personality… he is a little sweet talker… but he looks like a kid. He looks even younger than 20. I got to thinking about where I was at twenty years old… I was married. Wasn’t even old enough to buy myself a beer! My ex-husband (who was six months older than me) joked around about being my GUARDIAN. Which I didn’t drink much back then, I smoked weed like every hour of the day… but hated the taste of liquor or beer. I’m flattered in a way that Brandon is hot for me. But I need to practice what I preach… No 13th stepping! Actually… he has more sobriety than me! He got his six months chip last night at the meeting. Of course he has been locked up! That makes a difference… but still I have more “recovery time” and I’m the mature one here. In a weird way, I feel like a temporary ‘sponsor’ to him… I think that he is just attracted to me cause he hasn’t been around girls his own age since he got locked up. And I’m really the only ‘fairly young woman’ up at the food bank. AND we are the only place these guys are allowed to get out of the rehab and go too… SO it will pass. He is a sweet kid. And I’m getting an ego boost (well needed)… So fat girl can still turn heads… uh-huh…  Anyway! I am so OFF the topic I wanted to be on… I wanted to talk to myself about my ninety days of sobriety and what am I doing that’s keeping me sober? Yeah, I miss the old crowd sometimes And the wild, wild nights of running You know, a starving soul can't live like that for long You go around in circles that just keep getting smaller You wake up one morning and half your life is gone 1. First and foremost, I want to be sober. No matter what it is… we have to want something bad enough to go to ANY lengths to get it. I want the good life… I don’t want to be an old dope addict or a dried up old lady drunk. I don’t want to waste my life on that which is meaningless. 2. I’m open to suggestions. I listen to what people say. I pursue humility. 3. I talk to God everyday. I talk to Him about everything! There is nothing to big or to small to bring to Him. He is pleased when I ask Him what He thinks… about anything! 4. Good sponsorship and support… If it wasn’t for AA I would not be sober today. There is no doubt in my mind. Not to even mention that this program has handed me a set of spiritual tools through the 12 steps… but because of the people… I have a place to go now. I don’t have to go to the bars, the dope house, the street corner to find someone to talk too… I have friends of all backgrounds… one’s that have the same goals as me. We have a bond that doesn’t break. People that would normally not mix together are united and pursuing recovery. It’s not a “ME” thing… NO MORE! I’m not alone in the darkness anymore… if I reach out… there is ALWAYS someone there. 5. I changed my playmates and my playgrounds, As stated above… I steer clear of mind-altering situations. Including relationships… not to say that I don’t desire one because I do… but not with just anyone anymore. I’ve raised my standards… and THAT rocks! Anyone that drinks or drugs I avoid being in a situation that drinking and drugging could come into play. Even if it means I have to come home and sulk… even if I have to kick my own ass into the opposite direction of them. I finally figured out…I can’t SAVE anyone from themselves… no, I can only save me. AND hopefully lead the way for someone that CHOOSES to save his or her self. 6. I let go of resentments as quickly as I can. Some take longer than others… some people I don’t care to have anything more to do with… but I forgive for ME. That doesn’t mean I have to be back in relationship with the people I am forgiving… but it means that I’m not dwelling on the wrongs they did to me. I’m not running it through my head over and over again… I choose to believe that ‘hurting people hurt people’ and the only perfect man I ever met… was nailed to a cross and beaten for MY inequities. If He can forgive me… I should be able to forgive you. But it’s no cakewalk… especially for my type of personality. It’s a daily decision… almost every day… I get bent out of shape about something someone did and I have to stop and remind myself, “You have forgiven them for that.” But like I said… that sure don’t mean I got to stick around for more abuse either or even deny that I was wronged. 7. I believe that I’m worth the effort it takes to change my way of life. I have a lot to offer this world. I’m not perfect but I love perfectly. I’m learning to love me for ME… the good, the bad and even the ugly. What matters most… is what’s on the inside of me and what I leave behind. Oh, and it's sweet to know The wisdom that living brings Since I got a telegram from the god of simple things I’m going to be pondering this topic for the rest of this week and then the weekend. I really want to grasp where I am right now… I want to ensure I don’t forget where I’ve been… but most importantly, I want to make a way to get to where I want to be. Will you stand here in this fire with me? ~Everything is different now, Don Henley http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYCQ0clxGjE |
| http://www.kwes.com/global/story.asp?s=7354698 Looks like there is justice to be found in Hector’s murder.  That event marks a turn in my life. I relapsed within days of hearing of his murder. I’d like to blame it on the murder but the truth is, I was considering relapse weeks before that happened. Within the weeks prior to my actual relapse I was popping pills at an AA conference. I was overwhelmed with my two weekend visitors (Skittles and Sarah) I’ve since realized I’m a creature of habit. I can’t have any strange men lying up in my bed, rather nice guys or not. I can’t have someone around me 24 hours a day because I’m a loner. I have to have MY time and my GOD time. Sure, I’m a social girl but I have to be able to retreat and find comfort in my own home. I have never been able to sleep with anyone next to me. Not since my ex-husband and I parted ways. You say your dreams are burned to ashes And your smiles have turned to tears, It seems to me you welcome sanest As you surrender to your fears I became so engrossed in everyone else and forgot about my needs. I didn’t come clean with my sponsor, no I chalked it off as … ‘not a real relapse’, and I said that since the pills were not narcotic, but that makes no difference. Diet pills are speed right? Well they kept me up all night bouncing off the walls and scrubbing my apartment with a toothbrush from top to bottom. I will not lie, I loved it… but yeah… it was a relapse, denial changes it not. My sponsor would have strongly disagreed had she known I was letting Skittles stay at my place over a weekend. That’s not acceptable. BUT I thought I had this thing whooped! I was cured! I didn’t have to report to anyone… I became very arrogant with my sobriety when I hit my first 90 days. Skittles should know better than to put himself and a newcomer woman in that position. But he justified it by saying, I was farther in the program than I had sobriety. I agree, that is true… But justification changes it not. I’m getting ready to claim my 2nd 90-day chip next week. I intend on making a fearless search into the relapse, causes and conditions… but more so what has kept me from relapsing again within these three months. I’m going to share it with my group when I stand for my chip. I volunteered myself to work on Tuesday night in the warehouse from 6:00 – 9:30 but I may be late reporting in since I owe it to myself to stand up for my successes. You say your heart is lost forever And you're always gonna give your love in vain So you paint yourself a lonely portrait And hide your love away again I’m considering getting a part time job… or maybe just signing up to work on Saturdays and Tuesdays in the warehouse. I just need more MONEY! I’m looking for a home. I am set on moving out of these apartments I am in… and finding a bigger place. I have too much STUFF for this little 750 square foot apartment. I would much rather find me a little house to rent to own… I guess I’ll just see what’s in the cards for me, but regardless I’m moving into something other than this apartment. I’ve been there for almost four years. So many memories… not that they bother me but I would much rather be gone from them. Though! The main reason I want to bail is because of the lack of space, the landlady who chaps my ass… these $500 electric bills every summer. My sponsor rents out homes, this is what she does for a living, she is like a landlady but she also sales homes, so I’m gonna see if I can get her to hook me up… if she can. If God willing… Don't turn away from what you feel inside, You should try to forget about all your foolish pride ~ Don't turn away, Whitesnake I have much to do today. I guess I should get started… I haven't done much writing and I feel it! I have to write! I just can't stay away, but I'm hoping for a healthy balance in my time spent online and in the rest of the world.  You look here! 1. Look back and thank God. 2. Look forward and trust God. 3. Look around and serve God. 4. Look within and find God! "Pain nourishes courage. You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you." |
I stopped taking my hormone medicine last week. I feel it too. I have blemishes! I never have blemishes… but I have like THREE right now. One big one! My body is so bloated and swollen. Yesterday I tried to just stay off my feet cause they hurt so bad. My hands were just as swollen. ME! I’m swollen…  I’m burnt out on blogging. I’m burnt out on L&O. I’m burnt out on living in this apartment. I said I was hormonal in the past! Oh Hell… I was just bitchy… this is fucking hormonal! I’m starting to uh… you know smile real pretty at men, looking around for a victim at the meetings. Weird… but that medicine like totally numbed me or something… now it’s coming back with vengeance! I’m bored with blogging. I’m not going to say that I’m leaving cause sure as shit I’ll be right back here but if you don’t see me around or hear from me… don’t worry. I’m just tired of sitting here in front of the puter all the time. I’m going to go out and live a little. |
| I am trying to do my work ever so blissfully. BUT! I can't seem to focus cause this vol is down here working on something for bosslady and is quite the talker! Grrr... Evelyn: he gettin on your nerves? Jennifer: yes! Jennifer: Non stop with the Miss Jennifer...blah blah blah blah Miss Jennifer... blah Evelyn: i can read those looks of yours Jennifer: yes you can! Evelyn: you want me to get him Jennifer: he is fine, I'll just ignore him Jennifer: thanks though More caulking today... but only four barrells, that took about an hour. I have like two piles of vol applications and hours to enter in the system ... but no desire to get r done! I'm decked out today, most everybody is asking why I'm all gutsied up... no reason, just took the time to pamper yesterday and it shows! I'm gaining weight I busted my zipper today! Good thing I wore a long blouse or I would have to go home and change. I'm pissed about it! Am I pissed enough to stop eating all the junkfood? Good question... I'm going to a meeting tonight and that's all I got planned so far! Next Tuesday November 20th is another 90 days for me! Fat or drunk? hmm... which is worse? well, knowing me, I'd be fat AND drunk! well I guess fat ain't the worst thing that could happen to me! Brandon, which is 20 year old vol that I am going to meet every Tuesday at AA meetings asked that I write him a poem. hmm... uh... I don't know him well enough to write a poem, we both agreed that will change since he isn't going anywhere. He isn't the one that was down here getting on my nerves by the way. That was Justin. |
| I have been in and out of sleep all night and day. I had the strangest dream! I think…  So I was applying for a job at this bank, took in my resume and ran into an old friend. So I’m standing outside the bank shooting the shit with Steven who I knew from like Jr. High School? Well I go to leave and there is this big black truck that pulls in front of my way, So I try to go around it… and it pulls back in my way from that direction. So I say to this tall older man with a long black pony tail… “I’m sorry but my car is right there, I need to get to it”… something like that, so I get through to my car and I’m sitting in the drivers seat and I’m sorting through the paperwork I had in my hand I noticed this man approaching in from my side mirror and I feel this is not good… so I reach for the electronic door locks in attempt to lock myself in, I hear him try for the back door behind drivers seat and it’s locked but he gets the drivers door open before my fumbling fingers have a chance to get it locked. He has a switchblade in his hand and he puts it to my throat! Tells me to scoot over to the passenger side. So I did and he gets in and starts driving my car! I’m like being a real bitch to this dude, screaming at him ‘ What the fuck are you doing?’ demanding that he pull over and stop … I remember thinking that little blade ain’t gonna hurt too bad and would be easy enough to get away from him. So I’m just throwing a tit fit… grabbing the wheel and fighting as best I could. So he pulls out this pistol from his pants and without even a word, he shoots me! Like point blank to my chest! I shut up after that… for a minute I’m sitting there searching my body for a wound and there is none? I feel no pain? I know he shot me but there is no proof on my body… but still it’s enough for me to stop fighting him. I start making little snide remarks and still being bitchy but just not physically fighting him anymore. Only thing he said to me during the ride to wherever he took me… was “I’m going to have fun with your arrogant ass.” I remember thinking… arrogant? What’s that got to do with anything? So next thing I know I’m in like this big house and there are other women and little boys that have been taken just like me. But we are all free to wonder through the house. None of the light switches work, there is no phones or any kind of communication devices… there is no electronics such as TV’s or Stereos and chains and locks on every door way… bars on all the windows. I went to the bathroom and was sitting on the pot thinking what the fuck? And in walked Miss Mary from work! But she wasn’t Miss Mary, her hair had grown really long and she looked much younger.She told me, “Just do what he likes and he won’t hurt you.” Then dude comes in and he says he found the best outfit for his firecracker and hands me these pants that are missing the crouch area! He says he wants these on me when he comes to brush his teeth! So I’m figuring it all out… and I come to realize, we are his sex slaves! But I’m free to wonder through this big house until he calls for me. Get this! I needed to pay a bill so I’m filling out a money order and asking for a stamp from all my kidnapped comrades. So my time comes and dude puts me on this big table like dungeon looking thing, chains me up… legs apart, this machine lifts me in the air and I’m dangling around looking like a fool. I decide that I’m going to slap some sweetness on him and see if I can get on his good side. So I make sure a tit is hanging out of the chains, I’m trying to look all sexy… he climbs up this ladder and I just latch on to him, swinging back and forth… he wasn’t trying to kiss me, but I started kissing him and he was overcome by my passionate attack… and I whispered to him “I wish you would have stole me a long time ago”… Then I WOKE UP! Damn it! So I stay asleep long enough to get shot but not laid! Fucking dreams! |
I woke up to a dildo informercial blaring from my bedroom television! Now I want one! I'm calling in my order... I want the jack rabbit ... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTneO6UgRuM |
| Meow is getting on my nerves… everywhere I go … there she is…right up my butt. Our event this morning went well. We even left earlier than what we had anticipated. There were no major problems. We worked as a team. It was one of our better events. Oh yeah, we have had some big flops before! I struggled a little when I left the warehouse. You know old habits die-hard. In the past, I would get wasted after events such as this… uh… sometimes during the event. I was in a zone as I drove myself home. I considered joining in the noon AA meeting at the club, but I didn’t. I came on home and tried to take it easy. I backed my car up in my regular parking spot, gathered my purse and stuff and stepped right out face to face with Bobby, AGAIN! What is up with that? It was hard because of the state of mind I was already in. When Bobby and I were dating he would go to these events with me and work as a volunteer. I still have pictures of him on the walls up at the food bank during his volunteerism, along with many others. After the event was over, he and I would drink a gallon of whisky, talk about the day’s toil and all the different personalities I have to deal with daily and then fuck like rabbits. So it was more difficult for me to run into him today then it has been on other days. Not because of him… but because of my sobriety aspirations. It took me a while to let go of that relationship. Letting go doesn’t come easy to me… but Bobby was before Randy even. He was before WDC even! It’s been almost two years? Wow! I know without a doubt that he and I will not be involved again… I also know without a doubt that he has none of the qualities of which I seek to find in a partner.BUT! Addiction is much like a lover…when things happen that remind you of the times you shared together… it’s a struggle to not call it up and take a ride down memory lane, get my drift? But the cool thing is… I’m sober today. Another cool thing, I’m learning myself. I knew yesterday that this would come about. I prayed specifically that God keep me sober through this event. I know my history with events such as this. Rather it be from the stress of it? The hard work of it? Or just in celebration of it? I don’t know… but I know me and I made preparations to keep from repeating my history, today. That’s cool… I have new neighbors on both sides of me… both are partiers! Loud music and laugher is coming at me from both directions. I was thinking earlier how much a waste of time and energy all that is. All the money spent on the booze, the wasted hours of the day just sitting there drinking… all to wake up in the morning feeling like shit? And broke? I’m glad I’m here and not over there. They don’t have anything I want either. I’m investing my time, energy and self into something that I’ll benefit from. Like SLEEP! Yep… I crashed for a big long nap after work. I dreamed about past events, the Randy obsession and even drinking and using. I woke up sweating… not in the best of mood, but that’s ok… it’s just my subconscious releasing all those memories. It’s really a part of the process and it’s a good thing. An Angel Says: Prayer does one of two things: it either frees us from the trouble we fear or gives us the strength and courage to meet the trouble when it comes. After my nap, I got hooked up in a movie with Tommy Lee Jones and a bunch of little girl cheerleaders, I don’t know the name of it, caught it in the middle and watched the ending. Then decided I needed to tackle my makeup desk! One wall of my bedroom is nothing but makeup, curling irons, bottles and bottles of foot lotion, hair care products, fingernail polish… I am not exaggerating when I say my beauty products consume almost half of my bedroom. Well… and it gets damn nasty there to cause it’s my work area! So I got it all cleaned up and organized. Tomorrow I’m hitting the closet. I’ve been on this organization kick lately! I’m just all about having it together… I’ve been like this at work and home for the last few weeks, just been getting everything cleaned up. Tomorrow I plan on doing some grocery shopping, laundry and uh… my fish tank is so disgusting. All my fish died about a month ago, but I have just let the tank sit with no filtering and it’s damn gross. I may just trash it all instead of messing with all the slime. And what’s really sad and disgusting… the last fish that died is still in there … * Jen hangs head in embarrassment * Well, let’s say it’s remains are partially in there… what’s left anyway. So I’ve been thinking about the Fruits of the Spirit. I found them all in scripture and then looked up the definitions. I like to just read the dictionary sometimes. I LOVE words! I hate numbers… but I love WORDS! I will seek the fruits of the Spirit. They are the nature of Jesus, my main squeeze! Actually, I have many of the fruits of the spirit already… most of us do, but just like a muscle that never gets used will grow weak… the same with the Fruits. I use mine daily and really I was pleased with the personal inventory I took regarding them. Love, Joy, Gentleness, Goodness and faithfulness come fairly easy to me these days. These are my strong points. I struggle less with them. I struggle more so with Peace, Patience, Meekness and Self control. I’ve noticed that I have more peace now than I have EVER had in my entire life. I still have lots of room to grow in this area but I have really come far, considering where I started. Meekness is also an area I have seen great adjustments. I use to be all up in everyone’s face and I’m quite the opposite now… only when I get angry or feel provoked do I bow up these days, which happens more so than is desirable but nothing like it use too… my biggest struggle still remains the same… Self control. However! There have been some giant steps towards improvement here too. The way I see it… if I can stay sober knowing how much of a hold that demon had on me… If I whoop addiction baby… there ain’t too much that I can’t do! So what about you? Love - have a great affection or liking for even the unlovely Joy - the emotion of great delight or happiness Peace - a state of tranquillity or serenity Longsuffering (patience)- quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence Gentleness (kindness)- the quality of being warmhearted, considerate, humane and sympathetic Goodness - moral excellence; virtue Faith (faithfulness)- true to one's word, promises, and vows. Meekness - a calm temper of mind, not easily provoked Temperance (self-control)- Moderation and self-restraint, as in behavior or expression. Gods promise if we do work those muscles and allow the Holy Spirit to dwell within thus producing each Fruit in all its beauty…  (Psalm 1:3) "He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither; and whatever he does shall prosper" Whatever I do will prosper. That Rocks! There is no possible way to be a failure if we chase after God and His ways… No possible way we will fail. I’m feeling a little lonely today. I could maybe be in a room full of people and still feel lonely right now. Today was a test. I passed… I conquered, I did well… but it’s still an emotional ride. I still fly high and then crash hard at times… it’s to be expected. Change doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time… lot’s of up’s and downs and all around. Well… now is the time for rest. It’s been a long week. A busy week … I think this coming week will be calmer. I don’t mind the multitasking at all… and I’m really happy with myself for the way I’m handling the pressures. I love you all…  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BBlWxkwJtU I saw them in concert along with Anthrax and Megadeath back in 98' with the ex and several friends... was a good concert. |
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