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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
| I’m at home today. I told boss lady I might come in about lunch… well I lied! I ain’t going no where! I’m on strike. I slept till noon. Well minus about 20 minutes this morning. I’m going back to bed. I’m sick Sick in the head… I just really don’t care about a thing right now. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AD6LXXouD4k |
Some of you may know who Joyce Meyer is, others may not. She has been instrumental in my life. In fact, she introduced me to Jesus 8 years ago. I watched her show today at 5:30 on TBN and it hit home. In fact, it was on the topic of her book, “Beauty for Ashes”… BUSTED! Now, You know where I came up with my handle. Right out of the good book… but brought to my attention through Joyce. I have linked today’s show to this entry for those that may be interested. It is about 30 minutes long and the topic is Child Abuse. Overcoming and healing from physical, mental and sexual abuse. She also gives tips and suggestions on how to recognize if a child you know may be showing signs of abuse, in any form. I found her show today to be very interesting. Well, all of her shows are interesting to me. She speaks right to my heart. I am a survivor of all three of the above listed forms of abuse. I can really relate to Joyce because she to is a survivor of sexual, emotional and mental abuse. I strongly suggest that anyone that feels led to click this link… to just DO IT. Kick back… maybe there is something for you there… and if not… maybe you can understand more about me. If you so care to do so…  http://www.joycemeyer.org/OurMinistries/Broadcast/TV/Archive/20071014.htm I have a blemish right on the tip of my nose and it hurts badly.  I can’t even see it, but I feel it.  Every time I touch my nose it brings tears to my eyes. Well… Today has been a lazy Sunday for me. I enjoyed writing what I did this morning. It was like a release… amazing… but I feel better! I’m having a blast listening to different songs on youtube… all this time, I have seen the links around but never knew what it was. Instead of writing out lyrics to songs most likely from now on… I’ll just have the song of the entry linked. I know not every one will click on links, I never did… but just so you know… I have good taste. or so I think so, anyway! I didn’t do any cooking or any of my usual Sunday chores today. Nope! Actually this day has flown by me! I napped for about an hour, then decided I needed to go on to the store and get some sleep aid pills. I haven’t popped one yet cause I don’t want to be waking up at 1AM ready to go to work and then be tired when it’s time to go to work. With me? So… here in a bout an hour, I’m popping me one and hoping that I’ll be out for a good 10 hours! I’ve been thinking a lot about my brother. J. lives in Florida now. He met his wife, Darlene, over the Internet and moved from Texas to PA to be with her. She is a bit older than he is and her kids are grown and out of the home. After seeing JJ only a few weeks in the summer, my brother decided to make a move to be closer to him. Teresa who is JJ’s mom has lived in Florida basically since they divorced many years ago. So, J and Darlene made the move and are now living within 20 miles of JJ. Thus, J gets to see him every other weekend and not just once a year. It was really cool of Darlene to make this move with J. She left all her family back in PA. My brother has always had luck with women. He has an eye for picking out the good ones, most times. He has been married three times, though. He doesn’t like being alone and won’t be for very long. His 2nd wife turned out to be a bit loony. I never met her, they weren’t married for very long. He and Darlene have been together for several years now. I haven’t met her either but I’ve talked to her. I’ve seen pictures of her. She is soft but strong. She makes sure J. stays in check but she doesn’t try to rule him either. I’m really hoping this one lasts for him. JJ thinks the world of her. My brother and I are not close. In fact, the last time I have seen him… he was here in Odessa and was strung out on Meth. This was at least ten years ago. I was still married to Tommy and J. was sleeping on our sofa. He wasn’t looking for work. He was stealing pot from out of my stash. (As if I never did it to him back in the day). My husband was riding my ass about him being there and sleeping up on our sofa till 3PM every day, staying out chasing woman and dope all night and not looking for work. It was just a bad situation. I eventually kicked my brother out of my home. He wouldn’t speak to me for the next five years. Still… even today if they time gets brought up, he immediately gets pissed off at me. We use to chat on yahoo but we don’t anymore. He doesn’t get online and I’m never on yahoo unless I’m looking to talk to someone specifically. Sarah is like the only person on my list, except for my mom (who is never online) and Tina… an old party buddy, who I stay invisible to anyway. Wheww… she’s a wild one… The last time J. and I talked, he said… “I know Tommy made you do that”… and I didn’t respond. Truth is… Tommy didn’t make me do anything. Sure, he rode my ass and bitched and moaned, but it was my choice. I even talked it over with my mom and she felt that’s what I needed to do. Though it was hard… I did it. J. cleaned up not long after that. He doesn’t do the dope anymore. He still smokes his weed and most likely will for the rest of his life. JJ’s mom smokes too… funny when JJ was here he was naming off all the people in his family that smoke and he said his mom’s name. My mom said, “She don’t smoke! Did she start?” … JJ said, she doesn’t smoke cigarettes but she does the other.  We already knew that though. She is still a good mom to her kids. She has done a fine job with JJ and that’s the only thing that’s any of our business... JJ … My brother and I weren’t close during our childhood either. There is an age difference between us that may have had a part to do with it. Also, In some weird way I feel like my mom cheated me out of a relationship with my brother. My dad was abusive to us both. But he had it out for J. He was mean to me… but nothing like he was to my brother. With J being my mothers first born and her only son… she clung to him and tried to protect him from my father and make up for my father’s abuse. She bonded with my brother in the way that I believe siblings should bond. Instead my mother and brother clung together and I was left with dad to bond with. Lucky me… I think the parents should bond together… and thus the siblings will do the same, though they will fight like they are suppose too… they will also have each others back… this wasn’t the case with my brother and me. My mom had his back. He had her back. My dad was emotionally unavailable and I was stuck like chuck. This is how I see it. It would hurt my mom to know I feel this way and I haven’t told her. What good would it serve? Not even God himself can change the past. My brother does have much of the same temperament as my mom. I do have much of the same temperament as my dad. I think this had something to do with it to. Regardless… we just never really bonded as kids. We have never really bonded as adults either. There was a time when we were wheeling and dealing together… and I stayed at his place with his first wife often. He would take me out to the garage out west of town and let me hang out with his friends and watch him jam. He played base and was vocals for a band they named ‘ Indecay’ … One night while I was in Odessa visiting, this was after my mom and dad had moved me to Lubbock. He played a song and announced that it is for his kid sister who is out in the audience tonight. Then he said… and I’ll kill the bastard that fucks with her… the building exploded in laughter. It was like a huge garage, warehouse looking thing… someone in the band owned it and people came from all over to party and listen to the band. The song he sang for me is linked. I still get teary eyed every time I listen to it. I can see him up on stage playing it for me all over again. My brother is a cool dude. I wish things could be different between us. I’ve tried to build a relationship with him. It just seems to me that he’s not interested in it. Maybe someday he will be. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXfA1Wg10Yc Well, I guess I’m gonna read about your days and then get some shut eye… Good night! |
| http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaxQQIm6Utg&mode=related&search= I FOUND the song I been looking for!!! forever! I'm so happy Going back to bed dont' try to stop me |
| It really baffles me when I look back in time. I never thought I would live to be thirty years old. I don’t think I ever thought that far ahead. Thirty isn’t old but it isn’t really young either. For me, it has definitely been a turning point. I was 22 years old when I met Jesus. Without knowing what it was, I began the process of recovery the minute He came into my heart. Before then I was just barbaric. brutal, cruel, fierce, graceless, inhuman, rough, rude, uncouth, vulgar, wild... I had cultivated a way of survival and it was ‘get you before you get me’ and everybody was out to get me. Things didn’t change immediately when I invited Jesus in and honestly came to believe in Him. I didn’t wake up the next morning singing “Holy Holy Holy” … no, instead of fighting with the rest of the world. I began wrestling with God. I still wrestle with Him to date, but He doesn’t have to use the strong arm that He use too. Back then, I was so angry at the world that I couldn’t spend a day shopping and paying bills without threatening someone. I remember sometime just right before ‘the change’ I had forgot to pay the electric bill and the phone bill. (Some things never change) My ex and I came home from work and everything was off! We had the money… I just FORGOT. I’m pissed at the world. It’s everybody ELSE’S fault that I forgot to pay my bills. So I go to one of those places where they instantly send the money via computer to the electric company and I get into it with the clerk there. I don’t remember exactly what it was about but I’m telling the little girl and she was just a kid… maybe her first job ever… I’m telling her that she’s talking tough since this glass wall is between us. Told her to step on my side of the glass. She was refusing to send my money for some reason. OH no, I had give her the phone bill and I should have give her the electric bill… so after she put the money towards the phone, I realized that I had screwed up. We needed electric more than phone so I wanted her to change it. She couldn’t… or wouldn’t… She was rude to me… but still… I’m cussing and raising hell. She gets her manager out, they refuse to do business with me and tell me to leave. I start tearing shit off the walls of their facility and hitting the see-through wall that is between us (like in check cashing places the clerk sits behind a plastic wall with a little hole just big enough to pass paperwork) I was hitting this wall with full intentions of it shattering. Well it was plastic to my surprise. And instead I busted my hand up pretty good. They called security on me and some big security cop was there and trying to talk me down. He eventually called for the police. During all this havoc, they handed my MONEY back to ME! I didn’t even realize it till I got home but when I saw security guy calling for the cops, I decided it was time for me to bail. I jumped into my dukes of hazard old Buick… slid right through the window cause none of the doors opened… and I sped off! I can still see the fear in that clerk’s face. It doesn’t make me proud to recall events like this. This was just one of many. Every where I went I was ready for war. I was JUST like the man that conceived me and I hated it. I hated myself, I hated everyone. I put my ex husband through so much hell the first four years of our marriage. He would call me by my dad’s name as an insult during our arguments. That would only piss me off even more… I defended my dad’s every action back then. I would scream back at Tommy, You don’t even know my dad! You just know what I’ve told you about him and now your using it against me! I’ll never talk to you again!  lol… Poor Tommy… I remember talking to my mom soon after I started to change from the inside. After God had began His work in me. I was telling her that it seems everybody just treats me better these days. She laughed and said, no… it’s not everybody else that has changed, it’s you… Thinking back on these times of my life… and then seeing now how I’m told that I’m ‘easy’ … I can’t help but just laugh out loud. If they only knew. I do agree with Michael Wonch   … when he said I’m an easy target for men. Yes, this I am and I need to really work on that area… but John and Sarah have called me easy referring to … passive, easy going, not easily upset… Isn’t God Great? Just look what the Lord has done! My mom could tell you. If Meow could talk… She would too! I’m not the same person that I use to be. By this ALONE, I KNOW that God exists and He is working in the lives of His people. That makes me wanna swing on a chandelier!I still have that fighter in me… but God is using it for His purposes. Even still, more often than I want to admit… my mind wonders off and I sit on that pity pot of mine and wonder what the hell any of this is for. It’s because I forget where I come from… I forget that I am living proof that God works in the lives of those that ask Him. Really… I started out asking Him to change YOU but instead He changed me. So no matter what kind of You’s I come across… I’m capable of reaching inside of myself and finding the peace that passes all understanding. I’m CAPABLE of it… I don’t always do it. Sometimes I just wanna be a bitch for old time sake! As is evident with my verbal brawl not so long ago with another member on this site. When I met my husband and I was developing feelings for him. I had nightmares constantly. They were all awful but one I remember so clearly… boiling water was pouring from my Lou Lou and I could actually FEEL the pain of it while I slept. It was just so real to me. The men that sexually abused me… didn’t just play with my little girl twat; they played with my emotions. The physical contact was nothing… honestly. My body healed long before I ever told anyone what had happened. . The emotional repercussions from that time of my life are yet to be completely healed. Most likely, never will be. When I did finally talk to my mom about it… years after it had stopped. I told her about the dreams. My fantasy about torturing these men. I wrote a story about it and I posted a piece of it on here last week… but that story was something I fantasized about living out. It’s gruesome. Jenilee does find the man and she tortures the hell out of him… right before she slices his throat, she makes him repeat that he loves her... Hence the book title is, “Tell me that you love me.” Randall did that… he told me he loved me and this is what people do when they are in love. Then in the next sentence he would tell me he’s going to throw me naked in the Dumpster if I don’t do as he asks. He fucked with my emotions! I was so angry with him when I finally got old enough to realize what he had really done to me. I wanted to hurt him. I talked to my mom about it… what she said to me just floored me. Through her tears… fighting for the words she cried out “Jennifer, just forgive him.” Are you out your mind? I did not understand that one bit. I didn’t know God at this time. I didn’t know His ways… and I could not believe my mother expected me to forgive this man. This conversation took place when I was just dating my ex, I would have been about 17 years old. It wasn’t until five years later that I knew where she was coming from. She was speaking her faith. I have forgiven Randall. I have forgiven Michael Alford for what he did to my brother and me. I had seen Randall when we were cleaning out Mrs. Lou’s house back in July. He is strung out, dirty… walking the streets of Odessa, asking passerby’s for money. When he recognized me… he crossed to the other side of the street. Very smart of him. So what’s my point here? Hell I don’t know. I’m not a perfect Christian. I cuss… I smoke… I enjoy wild sex. I’m down to earth and I hope that I always am. Just like the poem I wrote about the Angel in the fire. I am a bad girl turned good… I can reach for the one’s that are just like I was… and maybe show them the way. Then again… I failed with Sarah… and I find that so discouraging and heartbreaking… but the seeds are planted. I never know how God is going to use me in someone’s life. The only thing I do know… and need to remember… This is all a part of His plan. And who am I to say that I failed? All things work the way they are suppose to. We all have our journey… and Jennifer YOU DIDN’T write the BOOK! I have no idea what God has planned for her… but if I keep throwing her up into His arms… I do KNOW that whatever it is… is what He destines. I wouldn’t be who I am now… if I hadn’t gone through what I did in my childhood. I need to remember where I come from. I need to stop trying to ignore it. Though, at times it still hurts… God does Work for the good… ALL THINGS… for those that love Him. He really really does… I’m off my soapbox this morning… and I’m feeling much better! Love ME KAY! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| So what’s www.youtube.com all about? Is it legal? I have been listening and watching videos all day! Cause my other program crashed hard and I just deleted it. So I lost all my music. Well not all of it but a lot of it. Yeah! I’m still awake!  bugzy is baaaccck!! … Do you ever sleep? *biglaugh* You’re always online! Then again so am I! Except when I’m sleeping which is NEVER here lately. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-QfLJbEN3k  This song is all about ME! My recovery, my line of work… It just touches my heart. Love it! It is a well-known and recognized recovery song in the AA world. Ok… well I guess I’m out again! BYE! |
| My inspiration has disintegrated. I’m obtusely numb. I’m not sad. I’m not angry. I’m not missing no one. I’m not scared. I’m not ungrateful. I am feeling lonely. I could be in a room full of people right now and would still be lonely. This is something inside of me. The answer is inside of me too. I’ve spent more days sober this year than I have high. That in itself is an accomplishment. The sixty-day stuff doesn’t mean anything to me. The first thirty days were hell… well actually the second thirty days, because I was floating on a pink cloud the first 30… pink clouds are fun, I recommend them to all! Now I think hell would be for me to go back out there. It’s not an option. I have had to remind myself of that several times today. Just stay sober… Just hold on to that dry date… This is only a part of the process… I’m drinking hot wellness sleepy time tea and Meowster is going nuts over it! What’s that about? She is so damn cute. I did nap earlier but not long enough. I woke up still tired. Yeah, I’m isolating but it’s what I want to do right now. I have places to go. I have people to see. Other than the folk I would find up at a bar… if it comes down to it, I’ll plop my big ass down on the cold tile of the AA club and cry like a little girl. I’ve done it before… and I stayed sane another day. I want to find a home church. I want to get back to the gym. I want to get lost in some good books. I want to giggle like a child and bask in the presence of my maker. My heart desires all of this… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uNPXdfNVRCA Like a lady tied to her manners, I’m tied up to this feeling. I use to sing this song at the karoke club often. it’s powerful to me… one of my favorites to sing. Of course, it would be hard to top Shakira… she has an awesome voice. That’s the cool thing about karoke clubs and a bunch of drunks… Everybody is a star! I really am ok. I think this is just a phase. I’m not on the edge. Actually, I’m better than I have ever been… no mind altering men, no mind altering drugs… just ME all the way… Now I know the problem! LOL Too much me… It’s a process… first thing first… I got to get some damn rest one way or another. The sleepy time tea is kicking in and just maybe I’ll be out very soon. I hope so… Tomorrow will be a brand new beginning. I love you…  |
| I was born in the city that I now reside. Born at the very hospital that my mother delivered babies for 20 years. At a young age, I was carrying around a tape cassette recorder and interviewing family members. I was recording my stories instead of writing them. I’ve never been patient or detailed oriented. I loved music from the very beginning. I use to sing my heart out into the vacuum handle. It was just the right size for my make believe microphone. I loved animals, still do. I was always bringing home a stray that I had found and begging to keep them. Many times I found baby kittens so young that their eyes were not open yet. I would feed them with a little syringe and wipe their little bottoms with a warm washcloth to make them poo. One I named ‘Kitty Kat Coe’… she was a gray cat that I nurtured. She lived to an old age but then my dad ran her over with his truck, not on purpose. I remember crying so hard over losing my cats. We lived on a busy street and I would wake up to a dead pet many of times. This is the very reason that Meow is indoors only. I will never let my pet run free as long as I live in the city. My mom didn’t like dogs and seldom let me have one. Maybe that’s why I’m a cat woman even to date. I would like a dog sometime though. My brother had a black cat that climbed into the window of my dad’s truck and pottied on the passenger seat. My dad was taking us to school when we found the poo and I busted out laughing. So did my brother. My dad got his rifle out and shot the cat right then and there. The laughter ended immediately. Then he made my brother throw the cat in the dumpster. We went from laughing to crying... both of us sobbing when we went to school that day. My brother is a hell of a better dad to JJ than he ever had. I use to play school. I’d have my cabbage patch dolls and stuffed animals all sitting up in a row. I had a chalkboard and I would just teach away. They even asked questions. I was given a lot when I was a kid. My brother and I were both spoiled. My mom wore herself out trying to make up for my father. Mom worked nights at the hospital. Dad never had a job that he went and clocked into. He couldn’t hold down a job as such. He would end up in a fistfight or quitting, many times he was canned for his belligerence. He built metal gun safes and had a shop in our back yard for a time. He also did his gun dealing through out the years. He still does even now. I can bet that he will be here in Odessa on weekends that the gunshow is here. He doesn’t always come to see me though. There has been several times that I ran into Dan up at a club somewhere and he asked if I enjoyed my dads visit? What are you talking about? I would respond. Dan is a long time friend of my dads. I use to see him at the nightclubs that I frequented often. Many times when my dad comes to town he hangs with Dan but I don’t hear anything from him. This use to bother me but it doesn’t anymore. When my brother met my ex husband for the first time… it was Christmas and we were all at my mother’s mom’s house in Friona, TX. J and his wife had come from Ft Worth and met us all there. This was before JJ’s time. My mom introduced them and said something like… Tommy’s a good guy… you’re going to like him. This was in front of everyone. My brother responded, “I’ll like everything except that cowboy hat on his head.” Can you imagine how Tommy felt? That being said to him in front of his girlfriend’s family that he just met! Sheesshh… JJ doesn’t remember Tommy. We watched old-recorded videos while he was here and Tommy was holding him and playing with him and JJ said, I’ve never seen that man before in my life! Obviously you have little bubba! it just amazes me that Tommy has been gone almost longer then he was around. You know life is a trip! There’s a part of me that is feeling real restless today. I feel the urge to just go let loose and step out of myself for a minute. The me that is battling this never ending journey. Ah... but it’s just not an option for me anymore. There’s got to be another form of release and I’ve got to find it and in a hurry. I haven’t been praying and meditating like I should. This morning I lay in bed after I awoke and just whispered to God… I miss you. Why haven’t I turned to you in the last few weeks? It’s like I’m walking around in a daze. I’m here but I’m really not. I don’t want to be here but I don’t want to be there. I’m just going through something right now and I’m not even so sure what it is. I do need to spend time with my main squeeze. And I need to do it NOW. I know I’ve been talking about this all week… but I can’t sleep! I sleep for maybe 5 hours and I’m up again. Two weeks ago I was sleeping all the time! Now, I’m walking around with black baggage under my eyes. Will this roller coaster ride ever stop? An Angel Says: ...time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is not. |
| I’m a bit whiny. I have this massive headache that won’t budge! I took aspirins, I took sinus pills. Neither one offered the slightest relief. I think I have a slight fever. And my neck aches… of all things. My head feels like a ton sitting on my shoulders. I think I know why Meow tried to bite my arm off the other week. Well… you know times been tough and I bought her some cheap special kitty food from the dollar store… I have been feeding her that for the last two weeks. Well today I made it over to Wal-Mart and I got a big bag of her Purina Cat Chow for adult indoor cats, her regular stuff… and she was chewing a hole in the bag trying to get to her vittles. The icky stuff was in her bowl … but she was eating paper in order to get to the good stuff.  Poor kitty… I’m such a bad kitty mommy. I’ve been feeding her the same brand for most of her life… it’s not healthy to be changing up a cat’s food. I read that somewhere. It’s just that the dollar store is like walking distance from my apartment and it’s just so damn CONVIENT and CHEAP. But really I don’t think the dollar store is any cheaper on name brand items… it’s only if you buy their brand and it’s cheaper. Some things I just don’t want generic… like toothpaste, can’t be using no cheap ass toothpaste. Anyway… I feel icky… I still can’t sleep! I don’t know why. Maybe I think I’m missing out on something. I don’t know. I should have got some sleeping pills earlier and then I’d be out for the count right now. Instead I’m brewing coffee… but I got my good coffee creamer! I hope I sleep all day tomorrow. Justin called me late tonight. Wanted to tell me he got his 10 months today. It was cool to hear from him. He got his number changed and called to give it to me several months ago... but I lost it. Said he's been in a funk lately... I'm like this 'fuckin funk' is in the water around here or something! He knows Sarah is off and running again. He said it's got to suck working with her and watching it. Gawd! it felt good for someone to understand. He was real happy to hear I'm still sober.  On the 20th I'll have another sixty days. He brought up the Ft Davis Conference. That is where I honestly grabbed hold of this program back in April. I need to go, but I want my sponsor to go. Justin said I could stay in his bunk house... YEAH! My sponsor will eat my ass over that! I've been on a binge today! Listening to "Whoever's in New England" by Reba and then back to "Turn me On" Nora Jones. I don't really like that song by Reba all that much but today it's striking my fancy! I'm a bit odd. Well, Ok… buh bye now ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I deleted previous entry cause it reminds me of work. I went to the ‘official’ grant writer for her opinion on my press release and she changed it all up anyway! It does sound better to since she re-worded some of it. She has a rough personality but I like her. She is sarcastic, blunt… to the point… ain’t got to wonder what she is thinking… a little negative and bitchy at times but still I like her. She likes me because I get shit done. When I’m asked to do something for someone, I don’t take my time about it… I get on it… and I do it right then and there. She’s pointed this out to me and said she appreciates it. I’m up for a challenge. If I’m delegated a task that I have not done before … it’s fun for me because I’m learning. I’m expanding my horizon and acquiring skills that I can take with me, if someday I leave the food bank. AL asked… What is a food bank? Others have asked this question also. People assume that we are a soup kitchen, or that we have long lines of standing folks waiting for some beans and rice. Well... not true. We are a warehouse. A distribution center… we provide food to 22 West Texas counties. We have warehouse staff that pull agency orders. We have truck drivers that deliver the product to who we call our partner agencies. These agencies are non-profits as well. Examples of some of our agencies: Salvation Army, they have a soup kitchen and shelter Many local churches, some may have a breakfast or lunch ministry Meals on Wheels, they deliver sac lunches to elderly or the disabled This short list is just an example; we have over 180 partnering agencies. Our warehouse is huge; we have about 15 warehouse associates. However, we depend a great deal on volunteers because even with 15 workers in the back… that is not enough to work the donated product that is brought to us. Everything that comes in… goes right back out to the community. Ok, minus the bad pizza that made me and Carla sick yesterday!  We have a printed menu and our agencies order what they want from us. I get no less than 10 calls from our agencies a day asking that I fax a menu. There is no fee for the product. We do require a maintenance-sharing fee from our agencies … this helps pay for fuel, lights, staff etc. I believe the maintenance-sharing fee is something like 3 cents per pound of food ordered. Don't quote me on that! We depend on our agencies to give food to low income families that are in need of assistance. Much of the product is donated to us. Though we do purchase product, we purchase by the truckload. We get many of our donations from Wal-Mart, HEB, Albertson’s (local grocery stores). Product that is nearing its ‘out of date’ stamp or even product that has been damaged and removed from their shelves. Also product that has been returned to the store for whatever reason. The wrong size clothing? The customer wasn't pleased because...? just whatever... Local restaurants also donate food that is close to expiration and can not be sold. Or food that has been prepared and wasn’t sold… instead of throwing it away, they give it to us. And I can not forget to mention individual donations. We have just good-hearted people that go out and purchase food product just for the purpose of donating it and helping someone less fortunate. We also coordinate food drives on a regular basis. This is one of my job duties. I also speak with media. Report completed community service hours and make coffee. of course I drink the hell out of it too! I work the front desk. You walk through the food bank doors... you see me... I am the Director of First Impressions. ** Jen straightens collar ** I’m especially soft when it comes to the working poor… many times this is who we are helping. People that are out there busting their ass to make a living and it’s just not enough. I am classified as working poor. A single income household... no kids... but if I did have kids, I'd be standing in that soup line! When I see someone like this walk through the door… my heart reaches out. Of course, I’ve seen many come in that are taking ‘our mission’ for granted. It does chap my ass at times, but we never know another persons story. I’m usually able to recognize but I don’t judge. I give to the one that asks. This is what my boss lady has instructed me to do… and I do it. We are not a food pantry, though. We are a warehouse. Our Mission is to equip our partner agencies with the product needed to assist those in need. I will tell the people that wander in and ask for help… that this is a one-time thing. I will give you a box to get you through until you are able to get to one of our agencies. We depend on our agencies to hand out the food that we process through our warehouse. BUT my boss’s instructions are to not let one person walk out of the food bank without a box of food… if they ask for it, they get it… but we refer them to our agencies if they continue to need assistance in the future. When I first started... this kicked me in the ass… because I’m a softie. When someone asked for food, I’d go upstairs and hook them up with the best of everything I could find. Then, they got to where they wouldn’t go to our agencies. They wanted to come back to me cause I gave them a 50 lb. box of food estimated $70 at the grocery store. No, I wasn't just giving beans and rice out... I was hook em' up! It got to where I was spending my days making food boxes and I had to stop. Now… we have a 20lb box prepared for walk in’s… beans and rice, can vegetables etc… just staple product to keep them from starving. One of our largest agencies is 2 blocks away from our facility… within walking distance… And I’m very definite in telling them… We are a warehouse. We are not a food pantry. We DO depend on these agencies to hand out the product and I give them a list of all the places they can go for assistance. The times and dates that the places are open etc… The truth is... it slows our warehouse progress down when we all have to stop and accomadote. This is why we strongly suggest the food pantries around the corner to our walk-in's. BUT because I'm 'easy'... says one co-worker, 'compassionate' says another... the people keep coming back to me, many times. I had to stop it. Even still... If I can help someone I will. Like the lady who's elderly mother is in need of Ensure. I am still saving it for her. In fact, I called her yesterday to let her know that her mom's provider can come pick up the three cases I have stashed back. Even though I had to harden up a little... still no one walks away hungry. I always take them to the break room, tell them to get a snack … get a drink out of the fridge, while they fill out the paperwork that I need. I've even boiled and prepared ramen noodles... or warmed up a meal for travelers who didn't need a food box but just needed a bite. It really breaks my heart when I get a call from a mother. I can hear her baby crying in the background. She tells me the baby doesn't have formula. She hasn't had formula for two days. And she begs for help. This happened once to me. I searched endlessly for baby formula and there was none. The mother said she is tempted to walk into a grocery store and steal to feed her baby... I told her very bluntly... You Do what you got to do to feed your baby In other words... I was telling her to do it. What other option was there? I could think of none. I had already called all my agencies. I had done all I knew to do. I had no money myself, Or I would have got her some formula. So the walkin's... I give them a little box and a reference sheet and off they go! Sometimes I even give them the classified ad from the paper to look for work. Once we hooked a man up with a rain coat and a backpack. He gave me his old stick cane to remember him by. I ended up giving it to someone several months later that needed a cane to walk. You see it really is a beautiful thing when you have people in there that really care about other folk. My boss lady is a beautiful person... and she has a reflection of herself in me. I'm more down to earth... well, younger... I can read people fairly easy...as to my boss is a bit nieve. But really ... it ain't about reading no one... it's about giving to the one that asks. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! I need to go read and catch up with EVERYBODY! I see Debi Wharton has her wedding story posted… I gotta go read! I just spent $70 at the grocery store ... went straight to Wal-Mart after work. Well... me and meow been roughing it for a while now... I figured it was time for some good eatin'. I got her favorite little can food for her... I think that cat eats better than some kids do! BYE! |
| It WAS the pizza! Carla ate some with me during break yesterday and she is sick too! I still feel icky. I look real bad too. No make up on … hair still wet from this mornings shower. I didn’t even blow dry. I got flip flops, jeans and a T-shirt on. Yeah, Carla is dragging around this morning sick too… I have a new favorite song for today Nora Jones “Turn me on” … I want to go home but I’m BUSY! Got to write a press release and get it out to the papers before noon! I just want to hurl though. |
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