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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
| I think I got food poisoning. I ate pizza that is given to the food bank by pizza hut. You know like left over from the buffet or whatever… and I’m not feeling so good at all. Doesn’t food poisoning take a while to kick in? Cause I ate that for lunch.  I don’t know … but I’m so damn tired and I can’t sleep. What is up with this? I hear noises. I think I’m delirious. I need to hurl Will you hold my hair back for me? ~ an angel says: and I like! Live your life so that there will be those that will thank God that you lived. Night… |
Hail is falling from the sky! Pieces of ice about the size of a pe-can dentin’ up my hard earned money sitting outside in the driveway.  Sheree just called… sounded like she was getting beat up over the phone… “Jennifer… are you going to the meeting?” Bling, blang… bleck… splat… “uhh… uhh…” “Well DON’T! My car’s getting the hell beat out of it. I’m trying to get home. I love you!” Click… she was gone. I got out of that nice and easy didn’t I.  I like rain. Rainy days rock! I think the reason I say this is because we don’t get very many rainy days here in Odessa. Francis made it back ok. I watch too many forensic files, L&O episodes and read too much true crime stories. I love true crime stories. I have read them since I was a teenager… and I like reading about the court trials. I like watching court trials on Court TV too. I guess that’s why I leaned towards the legal field in my schooling. I dang sure don’t do medical…ilk… boo… yucky. My ONLY brother is 6 ½ years older than I am. J. is his name, he has a son… who you all know through my eyes as the famous J.J. My dad had another son with a woman before he met my mother. I’m not sure how old Michael (my dad’s first born) is and I really don’t give a darn. I’m betting he is in his late 40’s. He’s a homosexual child molester. Consciously I do not have anything against gay men. I’m not ignorant enough to blame a group of people for what one individual did. However… I am uncomfortable at times around gay men. ESPECIALLY if they are smooching, flirting and such. I won’t lie… I’m grossed out pretty bad about it. I was best friends with a guy named Nolan. He claimed to be so crazy for me and I think he was, I just never could make myself feel the same. Our love for music and theater created the friendship. It was only because of Nolan’s persistence did we get further involved. I turned him down so many times and he just kept on and kept on… He ended up letting his apartment go and moving into mine. Nolan was a slob… I don’t do slobs… I mean I don’t want a man that spends more time with the mirror than he does with me, but Nolan would go a week without a bath. That’s just disgusting. There’s no reason for it. I don’t mind the smell of money on my man… but to stink just cause you don’t care enough to go wash your ass… no… I don’t need your smell stuck on my bedding. Ewww! Nolan loved music; dancing and singing… these things are what I liked about him. We would sing the nights away at karoke clubs and people would come up to us all night saying how well we sing together, buying our drinks, asking us to do a specific song. Nolan didn’t drink like I did but he loved to smoke pot. He would smoke his weed and I would have me some whisky and sprite every night of the week. He was also somewhat of a ladies man. The women just flocked to him. I never really understood it because I just didn’t see it in him. I wasn’t attracted to him is basically what it boils down too… and though I knew it then, I thought I could talk myself into loving him. I was hoping so anyway… Nolan had the family thing going for him. He had a mom and dad that were still married and did the big family Christmas thing. They got together at birthdays and all holidays. I have a small family and my dad, brother and nephew have lived out of state most of my adult life. Just recently my dad moved from Las Vegas to Ft Worth, even so… we still do not have much to do with each other. So I don’t have the big family holidays. I just have my mom and Mike (step-dad) basically. Mike has two boys from his first marriage but they don’t come around much. So I really loved the idea of being ‘a part’ of this family thing that being involved with Nolan gave me. I liked our common interests and I liked that he liked me so much. Other than that… I really felt nothing for him. But I was whisky bent and hell bound to make myself RECOGNIZE what a good catch he was… He was very upclose and personal… real affectionate and clingy. I’m not much of the snuggling type. I got to have room to breathe. I sure don’t want to get all upclose and personal with someone that ain’t took a bath in a week! I’m a clean person… sure my place gets dirty… I’m not OCD even though I laugh and say I am at times… but I don’t do nasty. There’s a difference in filth and just daily living messes. Well Nolan was filthy and I mean it, he made my bed stink. This is not acceptable. Things started to go sour with us. I kept asking him to take a bath… and that ain’t no easy thing to say to somebody but when your house is starting to stink because of them… there’s a problem. I don’t remember exactly what all happened but I told him that I wasn’t happy with the living arrangement and I felt it best that he start saving up some cash to go and get his old apartment down the street back. Well… being the go-getter that he is… he starts making all kinds of arrangements. Not just LIVING ones… We both knew things weren’t going well with us. He worked opposite hours as I did, so he was home during the day and gone at night. I was gone during the day and home at night. It was only on either one of our days off that we were home together for any length of time. He was writing me letters and proclaiming his love for me… telling me how he couldn’t live without me… He claimed to not want to move out. He was sending me cards and flowers to work… all kinds of shit. He wanted to work things out and said he would do whatever it took. This particular evening I had been drinking my whisky and I was pretty buzzed. He was playing a game on his play station with a friend… and I was jamming to music on the computer and drinking. I’m not very computer smart. I know how to do what I need to do, but most of my knowledge with computers is just clicking this button… what does it do? Ok, click over here… what happens? Anyway, I don’t know how or why I even thought about it but I found my way to the history links on MY computer and learned Nolan had been talking nasty with a guy in Midland online for quite sometime. A GUY… who’s profile header said, “Homosexuality is a way of life.” They had been discussing becoming roommates. I flipped… I mean literally wigged the fuck out. Of course the whisky didn’t help at all… I was pretty hard on Nolan that night. I sat in silence for a while reading over the history in my PC… and I kept getting madder and madder… I asked Brandon to leave because I needed to talk to Nolan. Then I told Nolan he had 15 minutes to get his shit and get the fuck out of my place. That was my exact words. Of course Nolan played stupid for a while… and cried… and begged me to tell him what the hell happened? I said the man’s screen name and Nolan shut up immediately and started packing a bag. I told him to just take what he needed for a few days and then he could come back and get the rest of his stuff. As he was packing an overnight bag he pocketed $300 … took it right out of my panty drawer. Still to this day… he denies it… I know he took it. I don’t get into the kinky up the man’s butt sex bullshit. I know some men get off on sticking a dildo up their own ass… or having their lady do such a thing… that don’t fly with me. Nolan never requested anything like that but I got lots of calls from the girls he had dated previously … one in particular told me she walked in on him and another man fucking. I didn’t believe her but I did… if that makes any sense. I knew in my gut that Nolan was into swinging that way…but he knew FULL well I wasn’t cool with it so he never let me see that side of him. I knew that he was a bit feminine and I didn’t like it… but I just figured it was the way he was raised. Anyway, I guess talking about manly men brought this entry on… then starting out with my dads first born… I guess it just got me to thinking about this time of my life. I saw Nolan at the store not so long ago. He was singing in the next aisle over and I recognized his voice, followed it and saw him singing to a little baby. I stopped to say hello and he introduced me to his little daughter. It just so happens that I had his yearbooks in my car. He left them when he moved out and I had planned to drop them off at his mother’s house but just gave them to him there at the store. I really don’t know what purpose this writing serves but it spewed right out of me and onto this page… |
| Duck boy is AFLAC rep NowI am worried about Francis cause she took Food Box boy home in her car cause he was walking and couldn't carry the 50 lbs food and she went ALONE with him. This is not good.. I been trippin I'm making Coffee! I need COFFEE |
| Duck boy is coming tomorrow. I’m trying to figure out if I should cancel out dental and vision…but I’ve already invested like six months payments into. I should at least go utilize the benefits before kicking him to the curb. But then again I sure could use the $80 they are taking every month…. I just don’t know I’m still exhausted! I can barely keep my eyes open and it has been this way all week for me! I went for a walk during my lunch break. Then sat in the shade and smoked… tried to clear my mind. Not sure that it worked. I have a big ugly scary guy sitting on the sofa in the front office… Man he scares everybody that walks in here…. I was going to trash him. I found him last year in salvage and I had him hung on the wall but this year I got him sitting on the sofa. He is damn ugly and scary looking. One of our little volunteers that come from the Mental Health institution started crying when she saw him.  A dude just walked in asking for a food box as I write this and I did my spiel and handed him the paperwork to fill out… it NEVER fails everyone has something to say about ugly guy. I named him “The volunteer from hell”… The MHMR kids just walked by and hid their faces from scary guy! Just cracks me up… He is too much fun to be trashing! Have I said I’m friggin tired! I've been busy trying to catch up on everything here today. Sarah called in Sick to work this morning. Boss lady asked me if I took the call... uh no. I don't know what's up with all that. Francis tells me that Sarah is threatening her ... such as saying things like, if you did what you just did in prison you get stabbed in the eye or whatever... Just ghetto white trash prison bullshit... I told Francis... This ain't prison and ain't nobody doing no kinds of shit like that around here. Just shake everything she says off. Sarah and Francis are at war back there. Sarah told me yesterday she was thinking about quiting and named off all these reasons, all of them involved Francis. She is always late to work, she is slow, she is this ... she is that... I didn't have much time to talk cause the phone kept ringing off the hook... but I managed to get out " and that is your business how?" Sarah thinks she is some kind of supervisor up in the warehouse. Ok, dude just told me that he doesnt have his bipolar meds which in turn caused him to get fired because he punched somebody in the eye at work... it is because he needs his meds. you know this kind of stuff is real ... I use to think it was all just bullshit but after my adventures with Charlie from WI... I learned that mental illness is just as much as a disease as say like cancer... Ok, well I'm going to smoke and pee and refill my water bottle... bye bye |
| I feel asleep after work. Then woke up in a cold sweat. Dreams… it never fails when I sleep during daylight I feel my dreams like I lived them. I lost control of my car. I jumped out of it and my life was saved. I stood helplessly as I watched it get rammed three times by passing motorist. I lost my cool with the corner store clerk cause she disregarded my problem. I went there to use the phone to call for help, ended up getting in a fist fight  My mom showed up bitching about how I destroy everything I have. Mike was there but he was trying to fix the damage on the car. My dad showed up and I told him just exactly what I thought of him… blamed him for what my mother was bitching at me for. There was much detail to this dream. So much emotion through out, almost like the song I’m singing today. I see a connection in what I wrote in this morning’s entry. My mom I see through rose colored glasses. She could say or do anything and yeah, I may get a bit feisty but I would much rather turn my rage towards someone other than her… like Dad. I use to see my father through rose colored glasses, just recently that changed. Actually when I started my journey of recovery. I use to make excuses for him… justify every thing that he did and keeps doing. I think it was in rehab when I made up my mind concerning him. I’ll NEVER be able to make him love me the way I want him to love me. I’m not sure if I’m ok with it just yet… but I do recognize that’s it’s never going to happen. I don’t have to waste myself trying to make it so. My unconscious revealed some things to me through this dream. I feel helpless at times… standing on the edge envisioning a collision. I’m angry. You wouldn’t recognize it if you met me. I’ve learned to let a lot of things go. I’ve come so far… I really have, but deep down … I’m still angry, much of it is directed to myself. ~ Total Eclipse of the Heart, Bonnie Tyler Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming around Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes I’m envious of you guys here. You’re capable and comfortable within your own lives, you’re able to write in such range. I feel stuck. I feel stuck in this emotional roller coaster ride. Some days soaring way high… sometimes within the same day… I scoop down almost into the depths of hell. Like today. This is normal. I have researched it. Recovery takes time, effort, and persistence. This is normal! All the SHIT I don’t have naturally. I don’t do tired well. I almost had to push my car home. Yeah! I left my billfold on the coffee table. No cash, no cards, no checkbook... not a damn thing. I didn’t realize it till after I returned to work from the lunch hour and heard the little beep beep beep … oh hell why beat around the bush? Just say it Lucy… “ Put food in me… or walk your ass home.” First thing in the morning I got to get some food for Lucy. It’s been a normal day. I guess the kind of day that normal people have. Nothing all that interesting happened. Oh fixer upper guy jumped at me from behind the shed as I was making my way to my apartment… scared the hell out of me. He almost got boxed. John told me today, the more he gets to know me, the grumpier I get.  John has a good sense of humor. We have a good time poking fun at each other during the day. I told him today as he was walking by my desk making faces at me… something like “your too cute”… he said something that was funny and made me laugh. He stopped … dumbfounded… “What?”… “I said you’re cute”… “Yeah, whatever…” he responded after a minute of thought. It caught it off guard and really it wasn’t a flirt on my part. Well, maybe a friendly flirt but John does have a cute personality at times. I’m a flirt. I might have picked it up from all the years spent in a honky-tonk but one thing I can not deny… I know how to sweet talk even the sweet talkers. My brother is the same way. I think JJ will be too. I just caught a glimpse of my reflection… wheww… I look very Halloweeny right now! Wild hair, mascara rubbed all over my face… Good thing I know how to talk sweet. Every now and then I get a little bit restless and I dream of something wild Every now and then I get a little bit helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms Every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry Every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes At work… during my spurts of energy, I researched self-destruction. Did you know that a scorpion surrounded by flames will sting itself in the back and kill itself rather than be burned alive? Interesting… If flames surrounded you, what would you do? It’s natural to want to take the easier way out. It’s unnatural to battle the blaze… knowing the chances of survival are slim. I’m self-destructive. I have been for a very long time. Just as my dad said to my mother the night he called her after I sped off in rain, leaving Grandma’s 80th birthday. “She’s trying to do herself in.” I have been trying for a long time. BUT I’m one of those bitches… THAT JUST WON’T DIE! Every now and then I know you'll never be the boy you always you wanted to be Every now and then I know you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am Every now and then I know there's no one in the universe as magical and wondrous as you Every now and then I know there's nothing any better and there's nothing I just wouldn't do I can not lie. You know… sometimes I feel hopeful … sometimes I don’t. I look at myself. Here I am 30 years old… a failed marriage, a job that’s barely paying the bills, resentment towards most of the world, whether it’s visible or not. Nothing to hold on to… no one to walk arm and arm. No children… the possibility of never having children… Sometimes I don’t know what I’m doing any of this for. Sometimes a shot of cheap whisky, a bow legged cowboy and a dusty dance floor sound like a good idea. Then I’ll have a moment like I did this morning… though it was brief… but for a moment everything just felt ok. I think it was because I read bugzy is baaaccck!!   … ‘s beautiful, spiritual entry first thing this morning and for just a minute I felt a blast of hope… that I’m right where I need to be and I’m doing what I need to do. And even if I take a wrong step… I have the means to change my direction at any time. And it’s just OK to not have it all figured out… That moment came and went but it has yet to be forgotten. There’s so much drama in my friend’s life. I watch her and she reminds me so much of myself. The me that I use to be, not so long ago. She’s different in many ways but we’re basically the same. I think it’s her… I saved myself but I’m watching from the sideline… helplessly … as she collides with…. Life. It’s not even addiction… addiction is medicine… medicine with side effects worse than the illness…but a relief if only for a minute. I’ve learned a lot through this situation with her. We all learn in our own time and in our own way. I’m not going to even bother writing out the drama any more… but I will say… I remember feeling the way she feels now. It always led me to the bottom of a bottle. Until she finds peace within herself… nothing is going to change. And it doesn’t have to be all at once. It’s comes from glory to glory… Man, if God fixed us up all at once… we’d might as well fall dead… the journey would be over. That’s my problem… I want it ALL and I want it NOW. I need to get my butt back to bed. Good night…. |
| The Happy Guys Says ~ Most want change then turn around and avoid change. Change is a process of moving from one thing to another. If the other thing is better, or more appropriate for the times, then the change is good. The reality is… change is going to happen, no matter what. It’s your choice whether to control that change or drift along comfortably in your status quo and be changed by everything else. It’s much easier to let change take its own course and let it change you. That is exactly why so few of us make even the small changes we say we want to make. The status quo is just too comfortable! So here’s to discomfort… and a new beginning! Jen raises coffee cup I’m putting on my running shoes… chasing after healthy change, like it’s a sharp dressed man! Good smelling one too! If I may say so myself…. I’ve really come a long way through this last year. Sure, I’m still the same ol’ me. I’m still late to work. I’m still bad with keeping up with my bills. I still lack discipline. I’m still arrogant and judgmental at times. If I like someone, I justify what they say or do. I see them through rose colored glasses. If I don’t like someone, I see them through a magnifying glass. This rings true for myself as well… and it changes on a daily basis. Today I like me and I’m offering mercy to myself. Tomorrow may be different… but this is something I want to change! Regardless of what I do… Who I am is good. So it’s not who I am that needs an overhaul it’s just like another ol’ Hank Jr. Love song: “Old habits like you are hard to break Hard but not impossible… I’m beginning to sense the holiday season. I love the holidays. I have more to write but I really should work! I almost called in this morning! I didn’t want to GET UP! Actually, I did call and no one answered so I made myself just get in the shower. See… that’s the old me… who cares about the bills? Who cares that they are depending on me to be there… I’m TIRED! I’m not sleeping so good lately… things running through my mind… people running through my mind. Sleeping has never been easy for me cause I THINK to damn much! Well I gotta go… I  you |
| So how was your day hunny? Should I tell it like it really was... or how I wanted it to be? Either way, I’m glad to be home now. I was digging through my billfold to see how much cash I had to determine what would be for dinner this evening… when I stumbled across the money order I purchased last week for the amount of my rent.  Damn! I forgot to pay rent! I have been walking around with the money in my purse for 4 days. Now, I get to pay a $25 late fee. I was surprised that I didn’t have a note on my door when I got home telling me to pay up or ELSE. I’m just gonna slide it through the rent drop and maybe they will let it go. Doubt it! Since I CHOOSE life, I won’t hold my breath for that one either. I get home and there is a little note on my keyboard from maintenance saying they were here changing air filter as requested. I thought that was spooky… why leave it on the keyboard? Why not on the coffee table? Or the bar? Or like stuck in the door? I’m trippin’. Well, I guess cause I had my personal writings flung about and around the keyboard. Little notes to myself, my writings... stuff that only YOU guys get to read and just bullshit… so I’m wondering how much of it got read by fixer guy? I mean that’s damn near privacy invasion! Sir... Please Step awaaaayyyy from the keyboard... That’s almost like leaving a maintenance note in my panty drawer or something. The new dude has a little thing for me. I know this because his roommate, other fixer upper guy, told me. Well, he isn’t the most attractive man I’ve ever seen but I would be willing to get to know him even so… but the fact that he smokes pot and speed… and brings Jack Daniel’s to work with him on Fridays… kind of turned me off…Only Fridays, though!  He’s always overly nice to me and goes out of his way to cross paths. Hey. I don’t mind someone being kind to me one bit… but his habits make him ‘not my type’… Wow! Did I just say that? I see that it’s his signature on the work order receipt. So yeah… he got to know me while doing repairs in my empty apartment today. I can see it like if I was a fly on the wall. Ahh… well … I’ve also forgot to take my meds for the last two days. What the hell have I been thinking about? Obviously not rent or meds. I also left Meow’s potty box out on the balcony and her inside without it. She doesn’t potty on the carpet… so I imagine her little tummy was really upset when I finally came home this evening. She was crying to get to her potty room. Sheree called this morning. Her tone let me know she was not pleased. She says she is worried about me. She brought up this isolating bullshit that I keep hearing about every where I turn. I know I know!! I just don’t want to be social right now! I just want to be alone. I’m ok with it… I know… I need to join the rest of the world… I just don’t have the energy right now. I’m always so tired! I’m exhausted right now! Sheree got on to me cause I haven’t been calling her like I’m supposed to. I haven’t even called my own mother… Tomorrow! Tomorrow… I’ll call sponsor, mom and go to the gym. Tomorrow! So today I looked everywhere for my lighter! Ended up having to dig for some matches in the break room cause I couldn’t find it no where! When I got home and you know first things first… Off with the work clothes… Especially the bra… and out fell the lighter I been looking for all day. Stuck back in my bosom. I got to stop using my bra for a carry bag cause I forget stuff is in there! This could be hazardous. I went to the noon meeting and there is a middle aged black business lady that is in our local paper all the time cause she is doing this or that for the school… or whatever. Anyway, she wore shorts and I noticed she had hair on her legs like three inches long! Looked like a mans leg! I was trippin’. So after lunch I go ask Evelyn… just out of curiosity… “Do black women shave?”… I told her my spiel about seeing the attractive businesswoman at the meeting and I noticed her legs were thick with hair and she wasn’t ashamed one bit of it. Evelyn said that some do… and some don’t… it’s just a thing… so I made a joke saying… “Well I was just wondering cause you know I ain’t never BEEN with a black woman.” It was a joke! And Evelyn was like; ‘oh you haven’t?’ like she didn’t catch the fact that I was JOKING…She got it NOT! Flew right over her head... uhh... I was laughing as I said it... I figured that would make it obvious... NOT. I embarrassed myself! I mean, I figured she would know I was joking… and she acted taken back by it… but seemed to not have a clue that I was kidding. I didn’t explain myself either… cause...well I don't have to. See… Eve is the one that Sarah announced her bisexuality to and Eve was like, “Jen go that way too?” Sarah told me she told her no, but after seeing Eve’s response… I’m wondering if Sarah repeated thier conversation to me correctly? Know what I mean... Oh well… again… who gives a shit. I am way to fond of the male anatomy to be a carpet muncher. Believe that! The only bitch / witch I wanna wake up to in the morning is ME! Have you noticed I’m in a shitty mood? Yes… I am … Maybe some of your blogs will cheer me up… I’m off to read. Thanks bugzy is baaaccck!! for my witchy hat! Now I just need a broom, a big pointy nose with a mole on it... and need to paint the Meowster black. I'm ON it! Come here... kitty kitty kitty... |
| This is going to be a really long entry! I have much to say! I’ve been fighting to keep my eyes open all day long. I brewed a pot of coffee at 3PM. I stepped outside into the sunlight numerous times during the day. Both helped relieve the sleepiness for a time but did not cure it. I’m getting me some shuteye tonight. Don’t try to stop me either  So Debi Wharton … sent me some pictures of the beautiful wedding. Thanks Debi! You two love birdies are precious. I love the snap shot of you smooching, barefooted on the beach. Beautiful people, beautiful wedding… going to be a beautiful life together. If I ever get married again… and I will … but only one more time... I want my wedding to be unique and special. Not the traditional church wedding but something like you guys did… that’s way cool. As I wrote last week, I got my work email up and running again … I’ve been going through the emails there and I see shanelle … sent an email asking if this was I she had reached… it was dated back in September. Well, I wrote back today, Hey! It’s me! And she returns an email saying hell I done forgot what I wrote you for girl! Nevermind! I have about 400 forwards to read so for those that have given me your personal email addy… Fair warning… I only send the one’s I like, if I think they are stupid I just delete em’. And Hey, I have good taste! During the lunch hour I came home and did my hair. Yeah! I woke up late this morning… SO… when it was time to go back to work…I spent about 15 minutes looking for my keys… I tore this place up trying to find them! I was fixing to have to call work and tell em’ I’m stranded at home cause I can’t find my keys… GUESS where I found them? Under Meow’s BUTT! Yeah! I laid them on the back of the recliner when I walked in… and during the entire time I was looking for em’ Meow was just watching me walk from one end of the apartment to the other… Never said a word and SHE was laying on the keys!!! Little shit head! Sarah and I talked today. I decided to climb off of my high horse. So maybe I don’t have all the answers. Ok, so maybe she is a full-grown woman and can make her own decisions. Maybe recovery isn’t for everyone. I know it’s for me… but today she told me that she is done with AA… she isn’t going back and she wants nothing to do with Greta who was sponsoring her. Said she just ain’t got time for it right now. I didn’t get up on my soapbox… I just told her that you know how I feel about it… but it’s your call. It’s your life. THAT WAS HARD! And it did upset me on the inside… but a friend loves you no matter what and I told her that today. If she ever changes her mind… she knows where to find me. I did go to the club after work… I sat there till about 5:00 and I almost fell asleep. I got up and left… didn’t say nothing to no one. I really didn’t want to be there… I wanted my writing time and my sleepy time. An angel says ~ Don’t be sad about the things you want and don’t get. Think about how many things you don’t want that you don’t get. So I’ve been on a Hank Williams Jr. kick today. This morning Ms. Mary made a comment about how my battery is low and it put that song in my head that I could never find online. Well, back when I was a kid, my dad sold a gun to Hank Jr. He was in town on tour and Well, Ol’ Hank wanted to give my dad concert tickets and back stage passes for his family and friends in exchange for the gun. My dad refused his offer and requested money instead. I know you guys don’t know my dad… but he is an asshole. I can imagine how he acted when he refused Hank JR’s offer, because I know how he acts. It was about the time that Jr. came out with the song… “I’m for Love”. Here is a piece of the lyrics: But I’m for love and I’m for happiness And I’m for “if you don’t like it can’t you just let it pass.” And I’m for turning off the news and turning down the lights ‘Cause I’m for nothing else but me and you tonight Jr. ended up writing my dad a check for the gun. On the bottom of it where it says Memo He wrote… “ If you don’t like me, won’t you just kiss my ass!” If I’m lying, I’m crying and I ain’t shed a tear! I shit you not! I remember being so pissed that my dad refused the tickets cause I wanted to go to the concert. My mom told me we needed the money more than we needed to go to the concert… but damn it… back stage passes and all! Some of Hank Jr’s songs are a bit to hickified for me… but most of them I adore. One of my favorites from him is the song “Major Moves”. took a job in the city and I left my country home. I learned to survive and I got street-wise but I couldn't tell for how long. Then I met you where they sing the blues, Downtown a few months ago. And you taught me it's still good to believe in love and I love you so. My dad has been in the gun business all of my life. When my ex-husband met my father for the first time he was sitting on the sofa, with his bifocals down on the tip of his nose and polishing a gun. My ex walked right back out the door. I mean it. I never have seen my dad laugh so hard. Once, my ex’s little brother came over to my home with him while we were just dating. We were all sitting in the livingroom watching TV and my dad walked through the front door with a pistol in his armpit and two rifles (in the cases) and Tommy’s little brother HIT THE FLOOR… climbed under the coffee table… scared for his life! He hadn’t met my dad before and had no idea who he was. I'm makin' some major moves, Oh city girl, to get to you. I'm makin' some major moves, Oh darlin. Major moves just for you. I’ve been around guns all my life and it’s nothing to me. I’m not scared of a gun. I have no interest in one either. I’ve been going to gun shows since I was in diapers. It use to be a family thing but through out the years my parents stopped doing anything together. My mom and dad were married for 25 years. I was 18 when they divorced. Both of them remarried within the year they divorced. My dad is still in love with my mom. He knows he lost a good thing. His new wife is not near the woman that my mother is. Of course I would say that… but it is true. I sold some things and I bought a ring, and I've been married before one time. And this major move just goes to prove Like they say love is really blind. My mom has found a beautiful man in my step dad. It wasn’t so beautiful in the beginning. She stuck with him through some rough times. He was a big alcoholic when they met. He still drinks but nothing like he use to. He is everything she always wanted my dad to be, and like so many people think… she thought she could change my dad. It never happened. My dad is not a loving man and he never will be. Mike even built her a white picket fence for her birthday several years ago. I helped him paint it. This is something she has always wanted, has said so for most of my life. They work in the yard together. He fixes things around the house. My dad did none of that. Mike loves my mom. There is absolutely no doubt about it. My dad wasn’t capable of giving the kind of love that my mother deserves. Mike is… he is very affectionate. Yes I've made a change and there ain't no one to blame but me if things don't work out right. And they just might work out 'cause all I think about is that city girl and country boy tonight. Every time I talk to my dad. His first question… VERY first question… is about my mother. Are Mike and her getting along? Is he drinking still? At my wedding… my mom and dad had just divorced two months earlier. My dad was dating Linda. My mom was dating Mike. Linda (dad’s wife) was at my wedding; she made the cake and took pictures. Mike showed up halfway through the ceremony and watched Tommy and I say ‘I Do’ … afterwards he came up and handed me $50 and was congratulating us etc. My dad interrupted our conversation and told Mike to get his ass away from his daughter and out of the church. Yeah… there was much more to the way he said it… not just what he said. I didn’t care for Mike much then either but I still didn’t appreciate my dad picking a fight with someone at my wedding. Then… that’s all he talked about… just kept ranting and raving about the nerve of that man showing up there. It was a mess. Anyway… I’m happy with the relationship my mother is in now. I’m happy for her. She deserves to be loved. AND Mike really likes me. He is good to me. In fact, he is more like a father than my father is. He has more to do with me for one. I really need to tell him how I feel about him. I’ve always kept him at arms length, well because I’ve never had a dad type person that just walks up and kisses me on the check or puts his arm around me. Mike does these things and I catch myself pulling away. It hurts him to… I can see it. Now, that I’m learning that it’s OK to show affection and it’s OK to let someone know that you love them. I want to tell him how I feel about him. He has no idea. He would be floored to read the words I write because I haven’t shown him my true feelings at all. He thinks I just tolerate him because he is married to my mother… and it’s so not true. Someday soon… I’m going to tell him. ** Well… I guess I’m out for the night. Take care would ya ! I didn’t go to the gym today… tomorrow… I’ll do it tomorrow! It’s been a Monday all day long for this gal. |
You know my starter wont start this morning… my motor won’t even turn. MY Starter WONT start this MORNING… My MOTOR don’t even turn… I just wanna lay my head up in your bosom… that be such a good rest for me. This is an old Hank Williams Jr. song that reminds me of how I’m feeling this morning. I love Hank Williams Jr. His story, his songs, his attitude… it’s all good with me. I went searching to try to find the correct words to the song I’m thinking of, but I never found them. I did find some awesome songs of his that I had forgotten about. It’s most definitely a Monday for me and every one around me. I just called and asked that my landlady send maintenance over to replace my air filter. My lease will be up in January. I’m spending from now to then to find another place. I would prefer a little rent to own HOUSE… something I can develop some roots in. I’ll see what my options are when the time comes. I have much to do here at work. But my battery is dead! I need a jump start… phone is ringing off the hook this morning. I have a stack of new volunteer apps to record in our database. I just don’t wanna do nothing! You don’t always get what you want! But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need! Ok ok… I guess I’ll stop this and go earn my dollars… after a coffee refill, that is. Today’s daily word from JM: Speak out faith-filled words, believing, as Jesus said, that the words you speak are spirit and life. Speak life into your life, not death. The Happy guy says ~ "What can be added to the happiness of a man who is in health, out of debt, and has a clear conscience?" Love me long time! It feels like a cold front come through! It's damn nippy out there. |
| I am so cracking over here… I feel much better thanks to Michael Wonch and our little wrestling match. I’m exhausted. After that and my little escape today with Jesse (God’s gift) … really is the meaning of that name. Though Jesse is a figment of my imagination. I woke up from a nap about 6 and decided to go for a drive. I thought… Damn, I have nothing to write about. Then I got to thinking about the movie “Sixth Sense” when the mom tells the kid about her day but she tells it like she wanted it to be instead of what it really was. MEMBER? Something about swimming in the pool and eating ice cream… Any way… That’ s how I come up with this adventure with Jesse. One thing I notice about myself … I have all these cool ideas, images… etc… rolling around in my mind but I lack the persistence/ creativity? to get it out on the page. I get tired and rush through it… instant gratification… I want to have the creation but I don’t want to invest the time! Though I’m just blogging and playing around, I think… ok … I will make it a point/ decision to stop that… slow down and enjoy the writing. Happiness is in the journey, not the destination right? That’s what I hear. The first STEP to correcting anything is recognizing the problem. I really did pamper today but uh… it wasn’t at a beauty salon, nor was I given a size 2 evening gown by prince charming. I colored my hair. Cut my bangs myself cause I don’t want to pay for a haircut when all I want is the bangs trimmed. I’m letting it grow out. Got all my fingers and toes polished… used my expensive, damaged and stolen lotion from work. shaved all the parts that needed shaving…  and Watched L&O over and over and over and over, since there is a marathon yesterday and today. My right arm is going through hell. I still have cat bite scars from last week. I banged into the incap at the store yesterday and cut and bruised the top of my hand. Then I was using a knife to open a package today and stabbed myself on the inside of my forearm. All on the same arm! What’s this about? So I woke up bright and early and had me a brawl. Yeah… well… thanks for kicking my ass Michael Wonch … I guess sometimes that’s what it takes to snap somebody too. I guess it’s my bedtime again! Dammit! Back to work tomorrow … Night! |
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