%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 |  Sing it if you understand... |
|
2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
| I’m a grudge holder… I’m trying my hardest to not be. I know people are just people. I wasn’t right in everything I said or did. I made some mistakes. I guess I see the ‘why behind the what’ when it comes to myself… and I’m not at the point that I can see others in such a way. Not right now… I know my motives. I know I never meant no one any harm. My rights were violated. My trust was misplaced. Every time I sit down to write and see the tan screen of WDC staring back at me. I get pissed all over again.  Some one sent me a kind comment reminding me that not every one is like the two ladies that I’ve apparently crossed. And assured me this was not their first time at personally attacking another blogger. Spoke of their respect for me standing up to what I said even if done so in private… and in turn standing up to these ladies. I appreciate those that have either stood neutral or showed me support… or both. I’ve blocked a number of bloggers from seeing what I write. Not just the two… but many of the one’s that left lovely comments about me in response to my character assassination. You really don’t know someone until you’ve witnessed how they react to a real OR imagined injustice. I didn’t make an A+ either this round. Maybe next time I’ll do better. Like my mother tells me… I’m a fighter. And no mom doesn’t know about this situation… but in general. I’m a natural born, red headed, hot-blooded, Type A personality havin’…uh… Bitch . The calmness that I have cultivated through the years hasn't come easy. I exhale in exhaustion just thinking about it. I attempted to tell my sponsor about all this crap and halfway through I was like… ahh fuck it… we’re talking the Internet.  She knows I am a member on this site. Most everyone that knows me knows I’m into writing. I speak sometimes about the WDC world, but not much. I should really pursue a life outside of this antique computer sitting in my dining room. Or at least WRITE something for real. There are a lot of changes going on with me now. I’ve stepped into another dimension of recovery. I’ve lost so many of my sisters in sobriety lately. I did go to a meeting and I was in a blissful mood. I got to see Patrick. He is real quiet and shy but when he does talk he blows your socks off. He has some experience, strength and hope to share. I fell asleep after work and woke up at 5. I had missed my sponsors call and my mom’s phone call. Didn’t even hear the phone ring. I needed to get to the bank before it closed for the weekend… but I knew when I left my job at 1 today that I didn’t need to go get any cash right at that moment. I saw Sarah leave after work with our ol’ boy and I knew what was up right then. In a way… I was sad that I wasn’t going with them but glad I wasn’t, make any sense? Today I lightened up on her. I helped her stock the fridge and listened to her talk about her anti-recovery plans for the weekend. I remained detached and polite. This is a good step for me cause last week I wasn’t willing to talk to her at all if it wasn’t going to be recovery based. I know I can’t get to close for my own self-preservation but maybe I don’t have to black list her ass either. I don’t know… I can only pray for her and hope that the consequences, which will inevitably come, be cushioned. It’s a matter of time and she will endure the fall but I pray He will cushion the crash. As HE has done for me so many times. I walked straight up to Patrick at the club and gave him a big hug. He got his one-year sobriety mark on Labor Day. I told him I wished I hadn’t of missed that. He kept asking about me… I’m good… I’m fine… I lied. I just didn’t want to make a big fuss out of nothing. I really was in a blissful… just woke up state of mind, a bubbly, free spirited mood during the meeting. I usually wake up happy, here lately usually has been unusual... but it’s coming back. I had a freshly brushed bed head… but bed head none the less. My hair is kicking ass! I am so pleased with it. I have been using the horse shampoo and conditioner and I take hair vitamins… it’s grown about three inches below my bra strap. Amazes me! I love it too… My hair is one of my most attractive physical assets… and my eyes… and well I got good teeth for the most part. Ok… I’m just damn good looking!  Really… I have been complimented on my teeth many times but I’m afraid that may end soon with all the smoking and stuff. Every one knows I haven’t been attending meetings like I once did. I’ve become discouraged by my fallen sisters. Maybe I even have a little bit of survivor guilt. If that makes any sense… the topic today was about relapse and how those that make it are the one’s that keep coming back no matter what. It’s not the ones that ‘need’ recovery that get it… it’s the one’s that ‘want’ it…that get it. Well that makes sense to me… you’ve got to WANT anything before you will pursue it with everything you got. I saw some things about myself throughout this ordeal online. And not just that I’m a hotheaded asshole… but my #1 character defect is loud and blaring. I have put no effort into correcting it. Several of my character defects were obvious to even myself. And honestly! These are the things my sponsor and I wrote down during my 5th step…. Like in May 2007. #1 character defect written in my notebook in sponsor’s handwriting: Expecting people to be what they appear to be. I shit you not! This is written in blue ink on the first line of the page! I remember talking with my sponsor the day I did my fifth step and we concluded that I am of face value and I expect others to be of face value. If I tell you I’m gonna burn your house down… you may wanna go ahead and call the fire trucks cause chances are… your house is burning down one way or another. Though, I’ve failed to follow through with many things… but overall… a sober Jen… this is it… I do what I say I’m going to do and that leads to #2. #2 character defect - Expecting people to think or feel the way I do. Maybe I live in a box. I just assume that everyone thinks like me. It’s only been recently that I’ve learned that most people think nothing like me! LOL… And that this may be a good thing.  Character defects I’m practicing with Sarah: #4 I see potential and I think if they will just listen to me then we can get them fixed! #7 I accept responsibility for other peoples mistakes # 10 I’m judgmental #12 I self destruct through alcohol and drugs… meaning I do some crazy stupid shit… Drugs don’t effect me as bad… but alcohol is like cascading a beast into my body. I lose all control and I’m capable of anything when I’m drunk. It is scary… I think I’m very capable of self destruction without any drugs or alcohol involved. You know I don’t take criticism well… I know… You find this hard to believe! Cause I’m just so sweet and all  BUT I take shit hard… always have. Like what my mother says… I care too much. How do you stop caring? Is there a switch somewhere? I’m an emotional woman. I sometimes envy those that are just boring! Those lovely melancholy personalities that walk around with their chin in their bosom. Ok, maybe I’m not envious… but it does seem so much easier than flying from one extreme to the next! One day I’m bouncing off walls and the sweetest girl you ever met and the next I’m the meanest bitch you ever met. Is this normal? I’m moody as hell… I’m really tired too… and I’m coughing … I did watch the first episode of “Ghost Whispers” tonight! I’m done rambling. |
| Thirty more minutes and I’m out of here! I’m in a great mood today though I had less than 5 hours of sleep last night… I woke this morning, sat on the corner of the bed and suggested to myself that I just may be sick and need to stay home. Forced myself into a cold shower… Thankful I wasn’t fighting a hangover. I was late to work…  Nothing new Yesterday, the thought for a drink came to my mind twice. Once driving back from my lunch hour, Ol Johnny Cash was singin’ on of his classic country songs and I thought how nice it would be to sit in a little dive and drink a cold one with a bunch of rednecks. Staring behind the bar at pickled eggs… but I had no cash… that may have been what saved my ass. Then as I was leaving work yesterday… the thought came to mind … but still no cash… Being broke is a blessing! Cause today sure would have sucked! I have some financial matters to tend to today… another $278 electric bill… this is the third month …. I live in a SMALL one bedroom apartment. I am gone from my home 12 hours a day damn near… and I shut it all down… Ain’t no way I could be running that much electricity… And then medical bills and all kinds of bullshit… It’s time to get this done and over… Face Everything and Recovery! Right? |
| Tomorrow just comes to fast, no matter what day today is. If there are three frogs sitting on a log and one makes a decision to jump, how many frogs are left sitting on the log? Think about it. ** There is a little boy about two years old that lives right across and downstairs from me. His mother appears to be very young but an attentive mommy none the less. She smokes outside and so I see her sitting out on the steps often. The two-year-old playing near by and a baby sitting in the grass next to her. The two-year-old appears to be a bit rotten. He just throws some tit fits… but it is so cute! When I walk by, he stops his crying immediately and says… “Hi!!” … I say “Hi!” back… he watches me as I walk by… when I pass them, behind me…I hear his cries start again… even worse than before! LOL He pauses long enough to be friendly and once I’m out of his view… it’s back to throwing his fit… Just cute… At the five thirty meeting I got a bit sad. I looked around me…there use to be a line of us ladies sitting together. Today I saw that it’s just me and my sponsor in that row now. It’s like we’re the last men standing or something. I’m so grateful that I’m still keeping a chair warm there… But I’m sad that we’ve lost Leslie and Sarah… somewhere through the journey. Sitting in the meetings isn’t what keeps us sober. I know there is more than just one road to take to get to where you want to be. What’s sad is that neither of them are where they want to be. They’ve put God on hold… and he’s just sitting there on the line… waiting. Ahh… it’s so easy to do… as someone said to me today, it’s much easier to be unhappy than to be happy. Easier… I know all about easy…  I never responded to Sarah from last week. She sent an e-card and I never wrote back. I really don’t know how to deal with that situation. I love her and I want her to be in recovery. Our personalities clash… there’s no denying… She has some great qualities to her but we are so different, without recovery we have but little in common. Even my mom made the statement that she didn’t see Sarah as being my usual type of running buddy. She is just overbearing sometimes… and I don’t do overbearing well. We didn’t speak today at work. I’m not mad. I don’t dislike her… I just know I can’t help her if she doesn’t want it. I also know I can’t be tight with her if she doesn’t want recovery. I know me! I’m still the same ol’ me I’ve always been… I’m just utilizing different tools from a different toolbox. It actually would be easier to go with what’s familiar... but not near as rewarding. Skittles called last night and then again this morning. I’m not answering… I don’t know… makes me think I’m isolating again but the truth is… I don’t want to talk to him. He chaps my ass… to put on a show to be such a nice spiritual guy and I know why his phone calls are late at night and early in the morning! Like I’ve said a million times… You can’t bullshit a bullshitter! My desire to drink is gone. I trip sometimes over it… I mean that bottle had a grip on ME for years! You got to understand I’m not playing about this… I drank so hard that the bottle ached…I have flashbacks sometimes about how I use to be… I couldn’t cook or clean without a bottle of whisky or wine. I couldn’t let Calgon take me away without a BOTTLE of wine, a candle and a cigarette. A bottle… shit… By the time I got down to one bottle left of anything, my mind was consumed with how I was gonna get the next one. God changed me when I wasn’t looking! I don’t know when or how it all changed but I know it’s damn different. I’m different. I sautéed some cabbage in cooking wine this evening for dinner. The smell of the wine hit me in the face and I almost fainted. It smells just like it use to taste… that same nasty taste that stuck to the top of my mouth and not even Listerine could get that nasty out the next morning. I wouldn’t go no where that I couldn’t drink. If a man asked me out on a date… and wanted to go say to a movie… I would turn him down… unless it was somewhere that I could drink, I wasn’t interested. Today… I’m just the opposite and I don’t know how it even happened. Oh but for the Grace of God… Hey my next thirty years I’m gonna have some fun Try to forget about all the crazy things I’ve done Maybe now I’ve conquered all my adolescent fears And I’ll do it better in my next thirty years And Thank God I’m still fairly young! I still have a lifetime to live… or at least a half of one. Honestly, I barely remember the first thirty years of my life… Oh my next thirty years, I’m gonna watch my weight Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers Maybe I’ll remember my next thirty years ~ Sung by Tim McGraw ** So how many frogs are sitting on the log? Three… One frog decided he would jump but as far as we know… he hasn’t done it yet. Making a decision to do something and actually putting forth the effort to do that something… is totally different. |
| A worker downtown Odessa took these photo’s as the parade of police officers and family members drove to the funeral services for our fallen officers, September 18th. The man is obviously working around 8th St, I work on 2nd St, so like six blocks South I’m standing on the street like the others you see in the pictures. Just in case you’re interested, here is the link: http://myweb.cableone.net/sjc16homes/FallenPolicemen.htm If not… To hell with ya! ** I had some weird dreams last night.  Made me wake up in a shitty mood. Dreams about work, the ex and using … Not good dreams…  Bye! |
| The worst part of playing in the kitchen is the clean up afterwards. Sucks! Though it wasn’t so bad, still my corn bread pan is soaking. I used non-stick spray to coat the pan and they stuck! I don’t get it! Shit happens! One of my secret ingredients in my pinto beans is peanut butter. Yep! You read me right. Just a little teaspoon of peanut butter and it makes your beans nice and creamy. I went a little over board on the spices… onions and peppers… a bit hot in the mouth but still good. I just called my mom to ask can I freeze beans? She said I could… this is good news. Cause I sure got a lot of em’! When JJ was here I chewed off all my fingernails. Now they are finally growing back. I don’t usually wear artificial nails cause my real ones do well when I keep them protected with ‘Hard as Nails’ a Sally Hansen product. Good stuff… I recommend to all… I completed 1500 hours in Cosmetology back when I was still married to my ex. I think the requirement for graduation was 2000 hours back then… I think but I really lost all interest. I don’t care about making other people beautiful; I just like being beautiful myself! I’m selfish. I like to be the one in the chair getting pampered. I’ve had every hair color known to man except black, with my skin tone I would have looked pale as a dead woman with black hair. I’ve even had purple hair, not really intentionally but it looked kind a cute. Come to think of it, it might have looked sharp with my purple dress and purple nail polish… hmm… No SELF… Don’t do it I’m back on the roller coaster again! I woke up after my nap today… set my alarm for 4PM so that I didn’t sleep the day away and I didn’t want to get up. I was feeling blah… I am like… what the hell… I am so Psycho! Then I realized it is the 23rd of the month. Yep! My time has come again… If it ain’t one thing it’s another! I watched T.D. Jakes on TBN… I love that man… He lights a fire right under my butt! And he always is speaking right to me! Then Joyce came on after him and she and Dave got me to laughing so hard that I cheered up. I did get in the tub and let Calgon take me away… and I’m not near as hairy anymore. As I bathed, I remembered where I knew Cpl. Scott Gardner. Gardner is one of the three officers that were gunned down here in Odessa about three weeks ago. I remember that he escorted a man out of my apartment one night. The neighbors called the cops after hearing us fighting. Two officers appeared at my door and Travis was acting such an idiot and I was crying, kicking and screaming cause he splashed his beer in my face and drenched me… I had just got primped up and my mascara and all just ran down like I stepped into a shower of beer. Travis is such a punk. That’s what Armand said about him… he is too much of a punk for you. The fight was all over whether we would go out or not. I didn’t want to. He did. He hung around some trashy ass people and I hated going around them. He also wanted to buy crack I wasn’t going to spend my money on that and told him point blank. Anyway, I do believe it was Cpl. Gardner that made Travis leave my apartment. Travis kept trying to take shit off the walls claiming it was his and Gardner told him to leave that where it is, this is her apartment and I will arrest you for theft if you don’t stop. Gardner was very kind to me that night. Really Travis did live here with me and he had rights to the apartment not through the leasing agent but lawfully… his belongings were here and he had a right to them. I think it was because of the way Travis was disrespecting the officers and me so they offered zero tolerance to him. Tragic Travis came in to play Throwing my world into disarray His body withdrawing from crack On me, He proposed an attack Consider the past, my emotions ignite My fists up, I’m ready to fight Seeing my fury he then vanished From my life, he was banished I’m sure glad he’s gone now. He had done 5 years prison term for assault with a deadly weapon. Yea… A real wiener! I went to Jr. High with him and then ran back into him at a bar in my late twenties. He was cool back in the day… but really he was always a troubled kid. Now he’s a real Travesty. The more I reflect on the men that have come and gone from my life… the more I see how being single ain’t so bad… especially if that’s all there is out there.
But the thing about recovery… everything changes. Especially your choices in friends and lovers. The thing is… I don’t think I ever let myself choose before. Just whatever man that came along that showed me a little attention… that was my choice. But if he didn’t drink or use… well … what were we to do together? We had no common ground. He would soon figure that out and I wasn’t going to change… what for? To live a boring life with a boring guy? This is already changing in me. And that’s really cool. I’m hoping to finish the book I been reading tonight. I’ve kind of put it on the back of the ‘to read list’ but I’m getting to the good part now… where she’s reached the high place on the mountain. Oh I baked an apple today... (last weeks last apple) since I couldn't afford them this time. Next Friday is my payday.. AND it was SO delish! I sprinkled with some Splenda and Cinnamon... The bomb! I am so crackin' over the movie with Queen Latifia and Martin... what's his name? She kills me Night Night  |
I went to the grocery store like at 8:00 this morning. I just threw my hair in a pony. No makeup, hairy legs  , chipped fingernail polish… JJ’s old shirt that he left behind and a pair of shorts and flip-flops. Every good-looking man in Odessa was at Wal-Mart shopping this morning! Just my luck! I was working with a twenty-dollar budget. I had to get Meow her little favorite elegant medley can good, so three of them are three dollars, so that left me with $17. I’m counting in my head… hoping not to embarrass myself and have to put something back at the check out stand. But I wanted to get healthy stuff… not just survival food, but food that will be a benefit to this ol’ bod of mine. There is a reason that most poor people are obese! In fact, we have done studies on this at the food bank. Unhealthy food is less expensive. Healthy food is high dollar! So I ended up having to put back my apples cause I knew by doing the math in my head that I had went over my budget. I purchased: A bag of salad A bag of baby carrots A loaf of bread (white bread, because whole wheat was almost a dollar more) A half gallon 2% milk (skim milk was fifty cents more) Bananas A bag of pinto beans A premixed bag of cornbread (add an egg and water) A head of cabbage Powder Coffee creamer (I got the big one cause them’s the important things) $2.44 A pint of low fat cottage cheese Three cans of kitty food (the expensive stuff cause she’s my baby) And that’s it! $17.77 was the total, after I put back the apples for $1.66 per pound. And Yes, I put them back where they belonged! So no wonder that poor folk are mostly over weight. It’s almost impossible to buy good healthy food on a limited budget. I can only imagine how someone with children would be able to provide them with food that is nourishing to the body. Just frustrating… The foods that are high in fat, starch and carbs are priced reasonable cheap. If I were budgeting for a family of four… I would have no choice but to buy the fatty meats and high carb meals… and Ol’ Meow would be up shit creek. Well… I’m playing in the kitchen today. I am exploring new recipes with different fruits and veggies. I dusted off my ol’ steamer and gonna steam the cabbage and some frozen broccoli that I had already. I am making some pudding (fat free) gonna roll a banana up in it and dip it into crushed graham crackers… for a tasty yet low calorie snack. I found this idea somewhere… can’t member where…  As long as my puter will allow… I am searching online for recipes such as this… ways to play with food and make it fun yet healthy. I’m a happy girl today. I’m gonna let calgon take me away soon too… And Shave thy LEGS! |
Lil’ Meow is sick. She puked on my back as I lay in bed early this morning.  I was awake but just zoning. I felt this warm but wet sensation on my back and I came up out of bed like a bolt of lightning. Bless her little heart, she just didn’t have time to get off the bed cause she would not usually do that. I almost choked to death over a drink of coffee. I mean literally! Tears poured down my eyes, I didn’t want to spew coffee every where so I was trying to get to the trash can and I almost did myself in. It’s been an interesting day and the sun has yet to be fully risen. Much of my writing and soul searching is getting done in my handwritten journal. I am in a much better place than I have been in a long time. I need to run a few errands today. Need to do some pampering on this bod of mine. Other than that… I’m basking in the sunlight of the spirit. And it feels soooo good. |
| Let's have a Meetin'! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Step Eleven of Alcoholics Anonymous: “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. ” I’ve done some reading today on Step 11, thus learning much about prayer and meditation. They are the principal means of conscious contact with God. At thirty years old, I am actually dealing with the realities of life for the first time in my life. I’m growing up in public as I have said before. Chances are my emotional maturity level is that of a 15-year-old, if not younger. That is about the time I began stuffing, drowning, suffocating, ignoring, oppressing and choking any emotion that I felt uncomfortable or unacceptable. I’ve turned to more than just alcohol to aid me with this endeavor. I believe that I was born restless, irritable and discontent. I now believe that by picking up a few spiritual tools given to me through the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, I am now learning just how simple it is to live life on life’s terms. As the body can fail due to lack of nourishment, so can the soul. The objective of meditation is to improve our conscious contact with God, with His grace, wisdom and love. One of the first fruits of Meditation is emotional balance. There’s some good news for this undisciplined, emotionally unstable woman! How do we meditate? I never knew what meditation was until I went into rehabilitation November 2006. I remember the workers would wake us up at 6AM for meditation and after a few times of sitting there watching what everyone else was doing, I asked timidly… uh… What am I supposed to be doing? She told me that meditation is a way of listening for / to God. Prayer is us talking to God, Meditation is when we listen for Him. I thought that was really cool. And so I began… ok, here I am… talk to me! But instead all the junk that passed through my mind on a regular basis just kept surging through. He said this, she done this to me, I know they was talking about me. They think their better than me, he is out there banging her…bitch ain’t got nothing on me, he’s gonna be sorry… just wait and see and on and on and on… Of course … in time it become quieter in my mind and I used a beautiful image of dancing with Jesus, seeing Him as a modern man, dressed in modern clothes. He would sit with me on a maroon picnic table, not on the benches but the table. We watched the waves crash in from the ocean. Sometimes we danced and I wore an elegant beautiful dress, other times we just sat together and I would ask Him questions. Then there have been times I attempted to medtiate and I passed out! I was once two hours late from my lunch hour cause I feel asleep. No one even said anything when I went rushing back into the office with a bed head, puffy eyes and sleepy voice. My boss lady wasn’t there thankfully! So I found through my studies today that in meditation, we read and reread a prayer or Gods Word several times very slowly, savoring every word and trying to take in the deep meaning of each phrase and idea. Drop all resistance, in meditation debate has no place. We rest quietly with the thought that we will experience and learn. You take yourself to the place that is most comfortable to you. In your mind, rather it be basking in the sunlight, watching the ocean, on top of a mountain or just dancing with the God of YOUR understanding. To me, God is a male. That is what I feel most comfortable with. I don’t believe that God gets bogged down with genders. He even instructs us to worship Him in spirit. So whatever works for you. If you find a female version of God to be something you can get personal with… by all means, do so! Whatever it takes to create that personal relationship. AND Of course, this is my opinion and I have not the time to debate. I’m a spiritually sick woman as many people are and I use what works for me. Some of the questions that I am asking God through prayer in meditation: What is my hearts desire? What is my calling? What are my boundaries? What are my goals in life? You see… I don’t always know how I’m feeling. In fact, 99 times out of 100 I have not an idea of why I feel a certain why. I have to stop and ask God. This stems from my history of oppressing those feelings. Many times anger will surface in me, when the underlying emotion is usually fear, insecurity or pride. The fact is… Life creates baggage. We aren’t here on Earth to live a perfect little life. We are here for a journey. Life is like one big classroom, we are here to learn and better our souls. The soul that will stay with us for eternity. Sometimes we make a good grade… sometimes we don’t. It’s all apart of the journey. What you hear here, When you leave here, Let it stay Here... And the crowd shouts HERE HERE!!! ** My old computer is wearing out on me. The screen gets real little and wiggly at times. It sure is cute to see such a small and wiggly WDC but not THAT cute … I’m forced to shut down when it happens, for obvious reasons! I think that it may be the monitor gets hot then it goes wiggly. I shut down for most of the day and now It’s working well. I wasn’t happy at all when it happened this morning cause I’ve been doing some online reading and was forced to stop at that point. Grrr… So I brought out my ol’ coffee stained handwritten journal and went to writing. I wrote out a Morning Prayer for myself. It basically came from the suggestions in AA book and the 12 & 12. I have it handwritten and will sit on the nightstand by my bed waiting for me to read each morning. I ask God to direct my thinking. Divorce me from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. I ask you for freedom from Self-will. I ask that I am shown all through out the day what my next step should be, and that I am given whatever I need to take care of such problems. Through out the day if I become agitated or doubtful, I ask that you LORD, Remind me to stop and ask for the right thought or action. Remind me JESUS that I am no longer running the show. I now know that I never was. Throughout this day God, place in me the best understanding of YOUR will that I can have for today. I ask for the grace by which to carry it out. Remind me to repeat several times daily--- THY WILL, NOT MINE, BE DONE. I’ve been listening to a lot of praise and worship on the radio lately… and it’s awesome to hear those tunes echoing through my mind. I still wake up to music in my head. Yesterday and today it has been real nice to hear my unconscious singing God’s Word to my conscious mind. Lately I’ve been doing a lot of reading in hopes of improving my writing skills. Also for enjoyment… but it seems I mostly read like Self Help, Self Improvement or Biblically based material… and this is good… but I need to expand my horizon. I honestly know nothing about point of views, dialogue, prologues, character building… none of that. So I want to move forward with my writing aspirations. I figure to start with the basics… keep it simple. I haven’t read much during the last 15 years, not always the easiest thing to do when you’re stoned or drunk… so I’m beginning there. I may even drop a few reviews here on WDC during the process. I am very much at peace right now. I am quite content and I feel good. I am so blessed. I have been blessed and I feel like I’ve found my way. I thank God for all I’ve been givin’ at the end of every day. I have been blessed with so much more than I deserve. To be here with the one’s that love me, to love them so much it hurts. I have been blessed ~ Sung by Martina McBride ( one of my favorite songs ) ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I’m coming out of hiding. I had to shut down for a bit, I was off the chain. I think I’m back on it now… but for a minute anyway, so I’m back and I’m better! I’m sick today and don’t have it in me to write not even blog But you know I will soon enough. I’m thinking about a nap already. Woke up early, went to bed late. I called and cancelled a get to gather with a bunch of gal friends cause my ol’ tummy is tore up. I was suppose to go to a BBQ tonight but I don’t foresee that happening. I’m good though! My mind, body and emotions are in the remodeling stage… Yep! Yay! For the Texas Party girl… An angel says: A diamond is a chunk of coal that was made beautiful and valuable under pressure. |
| Every where I look I am reminded of Armand Lucardie. his bicycle outside the maintenance headquarters, his empty apartment across from where I park, the blinds are open… the rooms are dark, the little doll that sits on my makeup stand. Just to name a few. He died late July 2007 in Denver Colorado. Armand was diagnosed with Cancer within the last year of his life. A tumor the size of a baseball was growing on his shoulder, he told me. Armand of all things… had character. Full of life, kind hearted, giving, loving, easy to talk to. He worked as a painter at the apartments I live in. I first met him when Brandon brought him by my place. This was back when I was selling weed. Armand was new into town. Brandon wanted to introduce him to me so that he would be ‘in the cool’. Armand and I hit it off the minute he walked through my front door. He had a deep big voice, almost bigger than he was. He would crack jokes just out of the blue… when a joke was not expected. He was giving and always brought me stuff… just little stuff… anything that he thought I might need or want, he would bring to me. Things left from the people who moved out in a rush. I remember Armand telling me that the reason we watch TV is to leave reality for a minute. He saw me through some really down days. He use to laugh and say… he loved it when I decided to quit using cause I would give him all my whisky and dope. At times he even said, “Jeni… you gonna be quitting again any time soon? I sure could use a buzz.” Armand loved Chinese food and we indulged together often. He also loved the fried burritos from Town & Country fuel station… but he couldn’t get the name right… he called it “Talk of the Town”… Let’s go to talk of the town and get us a burrito… he would say. I would talk to Armand about my latest boyfriends and he would tell me which one he liked and which one’s he didn’t … there were few that he liked. Armand played the guitar and loved to sit and jam. We would get together so he could teach me a few tunes and we always ended up drunk and laughing… instead of pickin’ on the guitars. I distance myself from Armand when I sobered up, or began trying to sober up. This is about the time that he became sick. Though I didn’t know he was sick… he didn’t want anyone to tell me but Rudy, another maintenance man came over and told me the news… months after Armands diagnoses. Armand and I were both head strong and we fought at times. It was nothing you would want to witness… we were at each other like two bulls trapped in a pen. People would scatter when Armand and I collided because it was just that intense… We would eventually make up and laugh it off, look around… and every one was gone? Armand was no push over… he stood his ground when he felt mistreated. He didn’t care who … how big… or what their title was… nothing… he was a tough man with a heart bigger than his body. Kids loved Armand… he would always give them change from his pocket. He had two maps hanging on his living room wall. I hung them there… and he took great pride in pointing out where he has traveled and lived during his almost sixty years of life. He had traveled much of the world and had many stories to tell. I remember once he was frustrated with me and I made a comment about… “I’ve been around the block a time or two.” Armand snapped back, “Little girl, I’ve been around the world a time or two. You ain’t got nothing on me.”… He was right. Though I didn’t admit it to him. Armand was a best friend to me. I use to wake him up early and ask him to go run errands with me. Like, wash my car, go to Wal-Mart etc… He would go but we had to get him some coffee to take with. I had cried wolf so many times with Armand around… I had proclaimed I was going to STOP using so many times that when I really did finally stop… he never fully understood or believed it. He continued to offer me a high even up the last time I saw him, weeks before he died. Armand was afraid of death. He told me so… sitting in my living room, the last time he was here... it was pouring down rain... and he couldn’t leave cause it was coming down so hard. He sat and cried and told me how scared he was. I immediately went in shut down mode… I couldn’t handle seeing him in such a way… so it’s like an unemotional Jen took over and I just listened to him… asked him what he thought about God, told him what I think about God… it was the last time I really sat and talked with him. In times past, I would have lost it! But this day… it’s like I stepped outside myself and turned my emotions off. Armand was a macho man… for him to cry in front of me was something I thought would never happen. He was in a lot of pain. He was lonely. He was suffering. I’m glad it’s over for him now. I’ll never forget him. His life made an impact on mine… more than just one… I assure you. He’s as free as a bird now… |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
