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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
| I do believe my last little fish friend is about to kick the bucket. Well, I’m out of the fish business. I suck at it anyway. A volunteer gave me a pair of shades today. I complimented her on them yesterday. She doesn’t speak English well and I didn’t understand I kept trying to give them back but she wouldn’t take them. Then grabbed a sticky pad off my desk and wrote, You keep. Cool! That was nice of her. And I sure enough did! Slapped them babies right on thy face! They have leopard skin patterns on the sides… I just think their sharp. It’s been a productive day. I didn’t get much done as far as paperwork today but I did a lot of decorating and cleaning… as I wrote earlier. I have my moments up there like I do at home and I just start from one corner to the other and git r done! It’s really a blessing that I have the freedom to decorate the front office of the food bank. I have free run to do with it as I please. You walk in and you see my personality everywhere. There’s four live plants, two fake ones… there’s little high heel décor’s that warehouse staff have brought to me over the last two years. My family photos are spread about … I even got a framed picture of Meow up there!  I got a rubber snake all slithering through my big ivy. And a fuzzy plastic worm in the peace lily. Photo collages of all our events last year on the walls. I need to make one for this year, added that to the list today. I got handwritten scriptures taped to my desk. There’s a futon directly across my desk and I got big ol’ throw pillows and our scrape books out for those waiting to browse through. Above the coffeepot, I have a saying I got from Joyce Meyer: God Morning, This is God, I will be handling all your problems today. So go have a good day! My boss has formed the habit of jokingly telling staff that has issues to take it to Him instead of her.  And will point to the saying on the wall…I also have a note posted on the fridge, Saying… Please clean up after yourself, Your MOMMA don’t work here! I have fun up there sometimes… It’s really cool to get to be myself. The front office is like my territory and every one is cool with it cause no one else utilizes that space but me. They simply pass through… and I watch em’ like a hawk! Kidding… Bugzy told me the other day to make a list of the things I do right… instead of always looking at what I do wrong. Today I got to thinking. You know I’m in a position that if I was a dishonest person I could make a killing on the side. People come in making cash donations and hand me A LOT of money. The closer we get to the holidays the more money that will start flowing in. I had a man hand me an envelope last Christmas with $5,000 in it.  First time I EVER have seen that much money all at ONE time. I get $20’s, $50’s, $100’s a lot … not only from donations but our agency pay a maintenance-sharing fee… They bring their payments to me and I ensure they get to the bookkeeper. I haven’t really realized it before… but the food bank is really blessed to have an honest person up there running the front office. I call them volunteers most times when I write but all of them are mandated by the courts to do community service. They don’t want to be there… they have to. Many times they will quietly offer me cash to credit them for some hours. I had a man call me up and say that he ‘heard’ about a lady there that was willing to slide hours for some cash… I’m like… I don’t know where you got your information but that don’t work with me. Then he backs out and says… oh yeah, it’s been a while… So really… my point is… I’m an honest person and that a rarity really. Sure… I may grab a bottle of lotion out of salvage… or like today; I brought home some treats for Meow that I found. And uh… I found some high dollar skin care product that the box was damaged so the store couldn’t sell it and they donated it to us, so I snatched it up. And I print out my writings… or bring home a few extra sodas … or even in really hard times, I will fill my water jug up from the RO system there and bring it home. None of this I do secretly. It’s really one of the benefits of working at the food bank. But I would never accept money for lies. Never pocket what is meant to benefit the food bank. Honestly, I see a lot of staff and volunteers carrying shit out the back doors… I don’t do that. I don’t go rat on their ass either… because it ain’t none of my business… that’s just how I see it. I’m not a tattletale, never have been. So really I’m a blessing to my employer. I do an honest job and I do it well. What you see… is what you get, with me. That’s how I am in all my relationships… work or personal. Honestly… I haven’t always been that way either… I have stories of theft in my past… never got caught but I’ve been dishonest. So this is just evidence that my higher power is alive and working overtime in my life! Now that I’m done tooting my own horn! I need to get off of here and take care of some bullshit! I have some cooking I wanna do… I have to finish filing my home finances … in my little home finance file thingy… and I want to soak myself with some of that high dollar skin care lotion stuff! I think the principalities of darkness were working overtime on me yesterday. I shit you not! I really believe I was being attacked on a spiritual level, like in a spiritual dimension. You know these things happen! I must be on the verge of something really awesome… since the ol’ devil and his comrades are wasting their energy on me.  |
| I went to sleep fairly early last night. I think I fell out the minute my head hit the pillow. I was tired. Tired is never a good thing for me. This morning I woke up with “Oh Happy Day” playing round my mind. Since I listened to several versions of that song just right before lights out. This day is much better! I’ve been doing some cleaning in my office. Digging through salvage for cleaning supplies and I have it smelling all fresh in my room. I love smell goods. I busted out the Halloween décor I had put back from last year. Except the big ugly guy, I’m trashing him. I had a little scarecrow and witch fabric Mache in the trunk of my car since my family and I cleaned out Ms Lou’s house back in June. So I brought that in and sat em’ up on my desk. Little cutie’s… I’m snacking on frozen grapes as I sit here chilling. I’ve been up singing and feeling blessed all day. John has a crush on this volunteer lady and she came in to get her hours earlier. So I page John on his phone and tell him I need him to come to my office. WHY? Just come here… for a second… WHY? What do you NEED? JUST GET IN HERE! So he comes downstairs and see’s her sitting there, he shuts the door back! Like a shy little boy. Then he opens it up again and says, Damn, Jen you should have told me it was an emergency! LOL … This lady looked like a FREAK! I mean… Had swords tattooed on her legs… the size of her legs… couldn’t see any skin on her arms, it was all covered with tats. She looked like a wild one. John was all up on that too! He walked her out to her car… got her a soda from the fridge… Cracked me up…After he came back in, I was like… I would have never guessed her to be your type… he said, oh… I love them old freaks! I work with some strange people. I knew he liked her because he told me the other day that when this girl comes in for her hours and he pointed to her name on the sign in sheet… that he wants me to send her upstairs to his office. We joked a while about it and she didn’t show up for like two days but finally today she did and I had fun playing with him… put him in the spot. Rather he was joking about it or not the other day… I hooked em’ up! I am in a much better place today. I considered going to a meeting tonight, but I think I need to go on home and get some things taken care of there. Take care! |
| It’s not been a hard day. I’m just taking everything hard. I feel like I’m still using and I’m going through the emotional repercussions of it. It never fails I’m always at least ten minutes late for work. I got up on time this morning. I even put rollers in my hair instead of just scrunching it… but somewhere through the process I lost interest… brushed the curls out and left. A driver asked me today to call a repair shop cause the warehouse walk-in was leaking water. This is one of my favorite drivers… he is a retired man that works only part time. He’s fun loving and just so easy going. I’ll do anything he asked of me. But! I got to thinking about how Piterbilt claimed that I gave them approval to do over $3,000 worth of repairs on our truck about three weeks ago… and my boss called me in her office and asked about it. I never gave such authorization. Boss lady knows that I answer the phone and my name is what folks remember so It wasn’t a big deal and she believed me when I said I didn’t give approval… But you know how every action produces a reaction? Well… when Tom asked me to call the repair shop… I went looking for the warehouse manager to confirm the OK to do so; there is a leak for real? I do need to call for repairs… etc… Well, Eve over head me and told me she would take care of it. So she goes and tells Tom… “ Don’t be depending on those people downstairs to do anything for you.” And she made him call the repair shop. And Tom came and told me… he didn’t do it vindictively… it was more like, Well Jen I was just busy trying to move the product so it didn’t ruin… and then I feel like a real ass. I didn’t even have the energy to explain myself. This upset me… because Tom can come to me for help… I just have to go through the proper channels to save my own ass you know… and for Eve to say that like I’m some kind of outsider…I was butt hurt, but I just let it go. She’s not even the manager back there… but she knows what’s leaking and where and it’s on her if it’s a waste of company money, and she knows where I was coming from. I’ve always been cool with Eve… I’m just zapped today… Just no energy. I know I been doing a lot of whining lately and I’m sick of it myself… Even Mona came to me today at work and asked why I don’t sing no more? Mona sits in the office directly behind me. She is like my back up for the phones and door… while I’m out smoking or away from my desk for whatever. What do you mean? I asked her … she reminded me that I use to sing out loud all through out the day and for the last few months I haven’t. I didn’t realize it but she’s right. I stopped singing somewhere… I know I’ve had a lot of changes going on here lately. I wonder if maybe the operation may have thrown some hormones out of whack? I don’t know… but its no doubt a hormonal thing today. I almost came home from work. I just felt like I couldn’t hang anymore. John comes down and carries on this conversation with me. I can barely understand him sometimes cause he talks in black slang a lot and he mumbles and I got to say HUH? Like fifty million times and now I got to where I just say… “Oh” even when I don’t understand what he said. But he was just doggin’ Sarah so bad. He honestly said everything I said about her in here in my JOURNAL. Just maybe in different wording and I said what I did out of frustration and concern for her. I honestly don’t like her temperament. She isn’t my cup of Joe… When in recovery… It was different. With one or both of us OUT of recovery, she and I CLASH and will go head on. Somebody will get hurt. It could very possibly be me cause she’s lived a rough life on the streets, been in and out of prison… I may not be the backing down type, but she’s a hell of a lot meaner than I ever thought about being. John says: She is a bossy ass bitch. Will stab you in the back in a fucking heart beat. Ain’t got not respect for no body. I done told the bitch to stop coming by my place. on and on and on… that’s the only part I could understand. And really it was somewhat of a relief to hear someone say that about her. I know that sounds AWFUL… but you know I take shit hard and when people tell me I’m hating on somebody and I’m talking smack and they don’t see where I’m coming from… for whatever reason. I start turning shit on myself. I start thinking maybe I am just fucking crazy. The truth is… There isn’t anything about Sarah that reminds me of myself. Not a thing… and that’s a well known throw back in recovery… Yeah… I’ve used it on myself and even Sarah when I sponsored her… but the truth is, it don’t always fit. It was just me and John during that conversation. He was just simply speaking his opinion and he knew it would be safe with me. (Other than blogsville) it really made me feel better… in a sick and twisted kind of way. Somebody FINALLY sees what I see. I’m not just a loony ass woman with nothing better to do but pick on the new girl. And what started this conversation with John: I love Dr. Pepper. I am a DP kinda gal! But I don’t allow myself to drink but one a week, a 20 oz bottle… or whatever size those to go things are… Well I had two stashed back in the fridge for me. Sarah came down and said she was going to drink one of my Dr Peppers and she got one and opened it and took her a big ol’ swig… John is standing there with his mouth wide open. I snapped and growled at Sarah … and then told her I didn’t need the damn Dr Pepper anyway, Enjoy! I was obviously not upset about it at all. Was I suppose to be? She leaves and John is like, didn’t that piss you off? She walks up in here and just take your shit? I’m like… No. I honestly don’t care. The truth is I didn’t need both Dr Peppers. I had TWO in there… it just wasn’t that big of deal to me. I’m not a greedy person. And he just goes into telling me how “Easy” I am… and I should have told Sarah to go get her own Dr Pepper and leave mine alone and he was joking all the while and I was joking back but he meant what he said when he said I’m “easy”… and I start throwing back at him “Easy” as in Sex… and start a playful war about that and how he knows better cause I haven’t put out with him…. And LAWD knows you TRY! It was just little break from my hormones to laugh but still I got to thinking, maybe I do let people push me around. Truthfully… I don’t think I do! This is the peace that passes all understanding. One of the promises of sobriety… A damn DR PEPPER is nothing to get all worked up about. Especially with Sarah… I’d give her anything that she asked for… well ANYONE for that matter. She doesn’t have to ask… if I got it, she’s got it. Still… even though I can’t stand her cause she ain’t doing the do things…She’s in full practice of that addict mentality that is selfish, self seeking and self absorbed… that don’t mean I’m going to refuse her anything if it’s in my power to do it. I know we are talking Dr Pepper but just try to understand what I mean here. Anyway, John made it very clear he wasn’t talking easy as in sex… but just easy cause I let some volunteers slide on thirty minutes here and I give the people that walk in overflowing boxes instead of just giving them the old, stale and nasty shit. These are some of the examples he through up at me. Well… I consider myself a good judge of character. I had a man ask me to GIVE him two hours today (like we owed him something!) and I flat out told him he was crazy for even asking such a thing…This was the 62 year old man that told me all about his 31 year old girlfriend. Brought pictures to show off and everything. But if I see a kid working his ass off and he has thirty more minutes to be complete and the warehouse has told him to go home, I’m not going to make him come back up the next day to put in thirty minutes… not if he’s made a good hand and been respectful and good to us. BUT if someone takes my kindness for weakness I will damn sure put em’ in their place. Right? I’m kind of talking to myself here. Anyway… I don’t think EASY is the word… I think it should be COMPASSIONATE. There! So I’ve got burned a few times over it… but who cares! Sometimes it’s better to be the heart of the matter instead of the head of the matter. Only way I can describe my feelings today is with the word ‘Zapped’ … I didn’t get on WDC, I searched the net during my down time and tried to find some answers in emotional recovery. I read somewhere that depression is anger turned inward. That I tend to believe. I went to a noon meeting. I didn’t invite Sarah. I did hint around to her that I was going and she didn’t jump on it… I didn’t push it either. She lied to me again today about her using. John has already told me about the weekend and how she ain’t welcome around his place cause she loses all control. Well… Yeah… She’s an addict… I’d be just like her if I let myself go… That’s the difference in alcoholics and normal drinkers. A normal drinker can have one or two and be content… an alcoholic suffers that phenomena of craving after just ONE… one is never enough and a thousand is never to many. I got to the noon meeting and I’m always a bit late cause it starts at noon and I leave the office at noon, so I walked in about 15 after and Greta is chairing. She is so beautiful by the way… and some old man talks for like 20 minutes. I shit you not, I’m doing my best to keep from nodding out and bless his heart, he’s sick with cancer and hasn’t made a meeting in a long time, I’m sure he had much to say but none of it spoke to me. Finally! He shuts up and lets someone else speak. Greta calls on me… I passed, but thanked her for the opportunity…saying I just think right now I need to listen… Really I’m glad I went and my day got a little better after wards. Well… I sat next to this guy, maybe like my age… well not next to him but like a chair away and you know my group allows smoking and I always grab me an astray when I walk in. This dude asked to borrow my ashtray… Sure! And….. He never gives it back! So I got up and got me another ashtray. I’m just so touchy today… but that pissed me off too. Not pissed but just … See… even the stranger next to me is disrespecting me! What? Do I look like somebody that OWES you an ashtray? I’m just hormonal. AND I DON’T WANT TO BE…  Truth is… it was prolly dudes first time there and he didn’t know where the ashtrays were… I read on the net about blogging tips… and you know I’m not a good blogger. I’m obviously not here to entertain. I don’t really know what the hell I’m here for. One of the tips was to be ‘thick skinned’… I think I’m pretty vulnerable right now and it’s crazy for me to be opening myself up to be slandered like I am. I seriously considered blowing this joint today. I’ve been on the edge today! It’s not a drinking thing either… it’s a coping thing. How to deal with every day life. Last night at the meeting a man came up to me and just asked if I was ok? Yeah, I’m fine… Why? I asked. He said “ you just look sad” … I wanted to give you a hug. I’m really wishing for some happy days. I like happy days… OH HAPPY DAY! When Jesus washed… When Jesus Washed…. When Jesus washed… He washed my sins away. He taught me how! Oh he taught me how… to watch… to fight and pray… fight and pray and he taught me how to live rejoicing! I’m singing in my blog! Maybe my songs are coming back... You know, it's my choice... life or death? Maybe I need to practice what I preach! I’m gonna go listen to this song… I love it! NIGHT I also found a site about soft addictions. Oh… I got many of those too! I'm feel a bit better after this emotional vomit... I think I'll live to see another day. |
| I was going to invite her to a lunch hour meeting. I changed my mind. I’m not strong… I’m weak. She sits there with that dope look all over her. She hasn’t reached out… He keeps talking to me… He just spewed all over me the exact words I wrote here not so long ago, regarding her blaring dope addicted character. I see her sitting over in a corner, with those beety doped eyes… Why did you make me like this? The consequences of August 17th are never ending. I may never come back……………………………….. |
| Meow attacked me this morning about 4am and almost bit off my arm. I have a long deep cut across my forearm. She doesn’t have claws because I got her clipped about five years ago. These are teeth wounds. I don’t know what I did that pissed her off so bad. My feelings are hurt. My ex was mean to Meow and she still has her moments when she goes off just out of the blue. She doesn’t like men, unless one goes out of his way to be nice to her but even then she is very skittish around them. I had to wear long sleeves to cover up my wounds. Didn’t want someone to call the battered women’s center and report this. I spanked her little behind so hard that my hand ached. I mean what would you do if an animal was latched onto you with their teeth? I need to get her defanged. This morning she acted like nothing ever happened. Didn’t say sorry or nothing… just rolled over on her back side and exposed that big ol’ rollie pollie belly, looked like a possum with her feet up in the air. I gave her the silent treatment. I’m going to have to add her to my resentment list to and try to see my part in this. The seasons are changing. It’s October 1st! Man the time flies. The Halloween decorations here on WDC took me back to last year at this time. Halloween night is when I gave in and began the process of checking myself into the rehab center. I think I may use that experience to base a short story on. I’m just afraid sometimes to let myself go back and feel certain things because I don’t handle feelings well. I am afraid I might turn to what I’ve tried so hard to get away from… I just have to be very careful and remember that continual contact with my higher power is a requirement for me, a security blanket. |
| So if I hold my lip just right… I’ll be able to write for a few. I think maybe there is a short in my puter wires or maybe its dusty and nasty back there… cause uh… I can make it work but I have to push it around some…show it who’s boss. I’m watching Shrek… love this movie. Well… now that I fought the puter and won… I have nothing to say! Meow has been hiding and sleeping all day. Skittles called while I was at the grocery store but I didn’t call him back. My mom called to remind me it’s JJ’s birthday but I already remembered by the time she called. Oh! While I was coming in and out doing laundry this morning there was a spider on my doorknob! A black one with an orange dot on it’s butt! I stood there and gave it the stare down for about 5 minutes. It didn’t seem intimidated one bit by my glare so I had to slap it dead with my house shoe. I guess it thought I was bluffing… serves him right. I’ve been worthless all day. I got done what needed to be done and honestly I don’t know how I managed that… cause I tried to talk myself out of all of it. One of those days… I’m going to get horizontal! Night! |
I’m having hell over here!  My puter monitor keeps going squiggly wiggly on me! If I move it around just right it will stop for a minute but then start again! It’s been going like crazy all after noon! Grrr… Can’t do shit online. I’m so flustered. Adding new puter to the wish list. I talked to JJ. I called my brother’s house and no answer. So I called his cell and he picked up saying, “You just caught him in the nick of time”. He was on his way to drop JJ off at his mothers. JJ gets on the phone, Sup? He says… “So you’re a teenager today huh? You feel like a teenager or you still feel like a kid?” “What do you mean whose my next of kin?” I repeat myself… and he still can’t understand me. I guess my Texas slang isn’t always easy for JJ to decipher. And it didn’t help that they were in a moving car. He really liked his photo album. Said he is going to buy another game with his birthday money. Said his dad and Darlene sang happy birthday to him at midnight and had a cake and candles. They watched the Cowboy game today and ordered a pizza. He got to stay the night with his dad but was getting dropped off at his mom’s when I called, just a block away from her house so I didn’t talk to him long. I just took a scorching hot shower. Now watching TV but pissed cause I’ve seen all the reruns of L&O! I should go read or study my steps but I don’t feel like doing NOTHING! I think I’m going to bed very early tonight. Tomorrow will be a busy day. I have many errands to run, going to make a meeting, have lots of business calls to make.  Ouch don’t squeeze my hand it hurts! |
| Today is JJ’s Birthday! I just realized it. He is 13 I need to call him today. I wonder if he is at my brothers? I will call and see… duh! I sent him a photo album I put together for him and $20. It got to my brother’s house last week but JJ hadn’t been over so he didn’t know about it when I talked to my brother. It was still sitting there waiting on him. I do miss that boy sometimes. I wish he didn’t live so far away so that we could at least hang out SOMETIMES. Though I don’t want a live in 13-year-old… but a visit once or twice a week would be cool. I conquered the laundry early this morning. I just got back in from the grocery store. I drove across town to a different grocery thinking I might save a few dollars. Shit... Won’t do that again. Filled up my car, did the dishes, need to put clean linens on my bed and finish my bill organizing project, Put my secretarial skills to work here at the home front. Other than that… I’m done with the days work! I’m feeling ikky today. Sad and stuff… hormonal would be the correct word. At least I know what I’m feeling. Check me out… |
I just popped a top of my Arizona Green Tea with Ginseng and Honey, it’s a GREAT BUY, 99 cents for 23.5 fl. Oz.  I just got back home from a long drive around town. It’s nice out tonight. I rolled down the driver’s window, cranked up some good tunes and just drove. Odessa has some great classical rock stations! The best I’ve ever heard! I was out of coffee and I can’t stand the thought of waking up coffee less so I decided I would bite the bullet and go into the Lowe’s Grocery store. In my faded gray Betty Boop Tee that reads “I’m as bad as I want to be” you gotta look real close to read it… it’s an old shirt KAY? Red pajama bottoms with little motorcycles on em’, Purple house shoes, and uh… faceless face, and medusa hair do. Yeah… good thing I ain’t looking for a man up at the grocery store! But I did see a girl that use to be in the meetings with me and she seems to be doing good but says she is working too much to go to many meetings. I can understand that. I mean, there is only so many hours in the day. She looked good though. That was a nice encounter for me. Well, besides the fact that I opened up a package of salmon to give Meow a little treat just right before I went for my drive and Uh… Brandi came over to hug me and I wonder if she smelled the salmon on me? Did she think I smelled of dirty lou lou?  *************** So my mission of bill figuring out is making some progress. Not got it all like I want it but progress not perfection right? Say it’s so! I have $8,400 still owed on my car. I’m on the 16th payment of 66 of the bastards. I’ll pay double that because it is being financed, close to $16,000… Hey but at least my ass ain’t on the sidewalk! Right? If I paid my school loan off today it would be $1,225. Hey that doesn’t sound so bad! But if I keep my payments of $50 a month, I will be paying $50 a month for the rest of my life!! With all the interest and shit. Yeah… well I’ve tried my damnest to squeeze blood from a turnip and I ain’t seen blood so far. I’ll keep watching… I still owe the hospital $800 for the time I spent in rehab. This is what the insurance would not pay. Oh… but that rehab center is out of business now… but still it will ruin my credit right? I think so. Plus I owe it… I want to pay what I owe. Good thing I opened up my mail cause the insurance card in my glove box expired last month and the new one was sitting in the pile of paperwork on my desk. AFLAC is taking damn near $80 out of my check every month. I have never utilized the insurance I have with them. I think I got accidental death… Let’s hope I don’t use that one any time soon… and like vision and dental, cause those two are not covered on my bluecross blueshield benefits. So… I’m thinking I need to either start getting my monies worth out of that little quacker or drop it. I couldn’t find my benefits package that they sent so long ago… it maybe fell behind the computer desk or something… but I need to check into that soon! Write this down! American Funds is doing me some good. They take $10 out of my check each pay period, my employer matches it and this is going back for me when I get old and can’t work someday. I’m thinking that I should cancel out the duck boy and start putting more into this IRA thingy. Wouldn’t you agree? But first I think I should at least go get me some glasses and teeth cleaning or something! Get what I can out of AFLAC. Then say to hell with bird boy… Anyone know anything about AFLAC? That reminds me… I need to contact my BlueCross and get some information changed, such as my beneficiary. I got life insurance… but it ain’t much! So don’t be trying to do me in KAY? My mom is #1 and then I have my best friend BJ as #2… Me and Bee haven’t spoke in over a year. I need to take her off my life insurance! Just when I get around to doing such a thing, ain’t no big deal but still her ass needs to be erased! Wheww…That wasn’t nice…  write this down too.I owe rehab Doc: $ 567.02 I owe my regular MD: $174. 21 – She needs to be top priority cause I may need her again someday! I don’t owe the doctor she referred me to for the operation nothing cause they MADE me pay before the surgery… very smart of them. My TXU notes in financial notebook read – OMG, somebody pinch me! I did find last years August electric bill and it was $135, this year same month, $278… I may be a bit dense sometimes but I think there is a problem here! Okay … enough of that boring shit! ***************** I found all kinds of stuff while I was digging through my drawers, desk drawers that is… I found an old story I started and never finished. I found a song I wrote and put together with my old guitar… and BILLIONS of notebooks full of writings just like this one! Except I didn’t have an audience then… I still don’t have much of one… Since half of blogsville is BLOCKED and on IGNORE. I can’t see their comments or nothing. It’s as if they don’t exist! Before I became a blogger… I would type my journal at work and then print it out and take it home. I found stray, typed writings all over the place! I just threw em’ all in a folder. One handwritten writing stuck out to me: 3-6-03 I think I heard God today. The reason I don’t have much money is because I am like an unfaithful wife having affairs with the world. If He gave me what I have asked for, I would spend it in vain. On things of no value... Hmmm… Sometimes I amaze myself. I found all my paperwork from when I was in rehab. I did a little bit of writing in a notebook then, but not much. 11-4-06 I’m pissed off! I am COLD! Room is empty, freezing all night long. Doctor giving me Lunesta at night and Lithium three times a day. Makes me lightheaded and fuzzy feeling. I can’t think. Coffee warms me some. Dr talked about STD’s today. Scared me. I requested tests. I’m talking and not holding back. I’m ready to get this out. The two other patients here seem buddied up together and I’m not clicking with them. I wish I wasn’t so COLD! I went to an AA meeting last night, first time ever. I spoke out loud in front of the group; told them I might be an alcoholic. I need to call mom today, ask her to bring my toothbrush – the one they gave me SUCKS and I need warm clothes! More blankets, A jacket and some sweats! And I wrote some other shit about Randy… but uh… his jailhouse letters became Meow’s toys today. She loves playing with wadded up paper. She just shoots em’ back and fourth, up and down… she is so cute! OMG… She gets on a roll and flies through the apartment. I swear she climbs the walls sometimes! But she jumps on top of the recliner and hits her head on the table next to it EVERY TIME! I think she thinks I hit her or something cause she gets all pissed each time! LOL … It cracks me up! I found a pic of Armand doing a kick box and Shafter sitting at the table next to him with a beautiful smile on his face. I may scan and post it someday. I also found my job search folder. I need to update my resume and start taking note of all my new skills I have acquired at the job I have now, so I can add them to my qualifications. Skittles called about noon said he was at my home group here in Odessa and figured he would see me there. I told him no… I don’t usually go to meetings on the weekend and I’m wrapped up in doing some bill figuring right now. He said he would call me in a few hours and see if we can get together said I may just need a break from that bill stuff and I was like, ok… yeah... Call me… He never called back. I want to be all butt hurt about it, cause it pisses me off when someone says they will do something and doesn’t do it. But then I got to thinking… you know this ain’t the guy for you… why make a fuss about something? Why even let it bother you? This isn’t the first time he has said he would call or be somewhere and wasn’t there… Yeah…If one of my girlfriends did that … I would be all calling and asking what tha? But… I don’t really need to be hanging with Skittles no way. He gonna try to get some booty and I’m not giving it up cause I know there ain’t nothing growing in me that ain’t suppose to be and I don’t want to take no chances of catching ANYTHING. This operation put the FEAR in me… I’m a prude all the way now. Thousands of needless tears, Produced by careless cheers, Assuming that Boaz is finally here, When the arrival of your prince is not even near. Well… I do have much more to say, but I think I’ll shut up for now! Toodles! |
| The process has now begun. I’ve got so far as to throw the pile of unopened bills and crap on the sofa. Now I’m cleaning out a desk drawer. I found a picture of Randy. A picture of Bobby. A really cool photo frame. A package of mechanical pencils, never been opened. A million notebooks of all sizes and decorations, some completely full of my writing… others with just random pages of my handwriting. Two disposal cameras… ready to be developed. (Dear me, I have no idea what’s on them, a bit afraid to find out) Meowster’s collar and tags. She ran for her life when she saw me coming at her with it. A million or two little cards mailed to me from my mother, my Jr High School annual from 1991. Damn! I’m getting up in them years… ** I’m only on my first cup of coffee. I should really not be so hard on myself, you know. I’m going to get this done today! I’m going to make me a notebook just for financial affairs. I’m gonna write everything down in it… that has anything to do with my money. I do have one of those bill organizers and that’s what I went digging for…but I see it in the other drawer… under about three foot of notebooks and crap. I have much work ahead of me. I can do this… I needed a pep talk! I need prayers! |
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