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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
| Somebody take the malted milk balls away! I went to the store and bought a sac full of chocolate today! I did… I should be more careful what I wish for. The fairy godmother brought me lots of money and less food…and what did I do? I spent the money on chocolate! Check out SouthernDiva   "Invalid Item"  for more info! She is quite the character! And determined! Thanks Diva! You ROCK! Soooo… How has your day been hunny? I went to lunch with my mother. I have a great mom. If someday I am half the woman she is I will have accomplished much! This is my mother and a poem I wrote for her a while back. I need to write more on her, she is a worthy topic that’s a fact! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** She is a diligent prayer warrior, Pleading to our God for my cause She is my backbone, my best cheerleader With the loudest shouts of applause A faithful confidant enduring each season A trustworthy advocate with no chance of treason The visiting house doctor when I am dis-eased In bettering my life, she is unselfishly pleased She loves unconditionally and doesn’t condemn She is cut and polished like a precious gem A ministering angel detailed in the image of the Lord Her actions and words of a two-edged sword She teaches me the kind of person I want to be Like Jesus, she’s my example my hope and guarantee I listen to her wisdom, to her experiences I give heed Simply because of where I come from ~ I have a great chance to succeed ~ After my little tit fit yesterday I did go to bed and crashed hard. I woke up when the phone rang this morning at 10AM. My mom came over and brought some old photos that she wants me to add to JJ’s album we are making for him. And we also learned that my electric bill is $265. This was not good news. Sure, it went down about fifty but not near enough. Last year at this time it was $135! So Mom and I go on a mission! Down the stairs of the apartment we go… Check out the electric meter… Ok, back up the stairs, lets turn the A/C off and see what it does, so back down we go, any changes? Uh… Dunno… Now, let’s turn the fish tank pump off, the ceiling fan and oscillating fan and see what it does… Up the stairs we go. Back down… to see what changes to the meter thingy… has it slowed down? Is it the same? Up the stairs we go… Need a pen and paper… back down we go to write the meter reading… up again to use the phone and call electric company… back down so that we can see what difference there is now that all appliances are plugged back in…  We never figured a thing out! But we did burn a few calories! I felt better after visiting with mom some. I talked to her about how I’m not happy with my job. I’m not happy with my apartment. I’m flustered at the fact that I wanted a close girlfriend and now that I got one I feel smothered. I just ain’t never happy! She said I come by it naturally.  My sponsor talked to me yesterday about ‘boundaries’… What’s that? She set a few boundaries for me to start with…  1. Sunday’s are me days 2. Two lunch hours a week are my hours 3. Two other lunch hours a week… try the noon meeting, since I’m obviously burnt out on the same old faces at the 5:30. 4. Stop giving yourself away She said it’s the squeaky wheel that gets oiled the most and I’m not squeaking enough! I need to stop acting like I got it under control. You guys see the side of me that people who “really” know me don’t. In the REAL world...I’m quiet, I’m polite, I come across as this sweet innocent thing that ain’t got a care in the world. Well… You know different don’t you! It’s time I start letting my sponsor inside my mind. She said she doesn’t think I fully trust her yet. And really I don’t think that it’s… I’m just a strange cookie! I have spent most of my life stuffing, drowning, avoiding, ignoring or hiding my true feelings. AND NOW at thirty years old, I can’t even tell when I’m feeling something until I get off the chain and either go off on everybody in my path… or shut the door to everybody in the world, as I have done this last time. I shut everyone out… I still wont answer the phone to my dad. He called again this morning. I still haven’t made contact with Sarah. She is pissed at me and rightfully so… but when I shut down… I shut completely down and offer no explanation to anyone. This isn’t healthy… I know how to stay sober… JUST DON’T USE… but what’s kicking my ass right now… is living soberly. This I have yet to come to terms with… but I’m closer today than I was yesterday! There is hope! Today’s Thought on Angel calendar ~ “I, the Lord, am bound when you do what I say; but when you do not what I say, you have no promise.” ***Jen lowers head in humility and finds the strength to start again… |
| I have a chip on my shoulder today… cynicism, defeatism, discouragement, gloomy outlook, hopelessness, lack of confidence, low spirits, negative thinking, negativism, pessimism Let’s just say I’ve seen better days. I just got in from meeting up with my sponsor and Leslie. We stayed for the 5:30 meeting. I didn’t change my date in front of the group. My sponsor suggested that I do it as soon as possible. Well! I sat there like a puffed up like a frog with my arms crossed, just daring someone to antagonize me. Come on… But nobody did. I’m really not pissed off at anybody. The world has not mistreated me. I haven’t been dealt a bad hand. No… I’m just in a shitty mood! I wish Ms. Monthly would hurry her ass up so at least I know she will be here and gone by the time Surgery comes around! I know she’s on her way! Come on… Get here damn it! Failure is the line of least persistence. ** I dreamed about my ex husband and his new wife. I usually don’t remember my dreams but I must have been dreaming it when I woke up or something. She was asking me for some loritabs and we were at like a baseball or soccer game… something! But we were sitting in the bleachers and I remember thinking how awful she was looking these days. She had really let herself go… but I’m all hooking her up with some narcotic pills… I kept looking over at my ex to see if he was looking at me and he never was. My mom called today. She is being awfully sweet here lately. I think she feels sorry for me about something but I don’t know what. I mean, she is always sweet but she’s been REALLY sweet the last two times she has called me. My dad’s prolly wondering why I never showed up at his mother’s house last weekend. I’m not answering the phone when he calls. He called twice last weekend… To hell with that old man… I got things to deal with and he only adds to it. He is like a porcupine and anytime I get close to him I get hurt! Burn me once, shame of you… burn me twice… Shame on me… Keeping burning my ass… I’m out my fucking mind to be anywhere close to you! Yeah, I’m just bitchy and he’s the topic for a MINUTE. Dickhead! It’s all his fault that I am attracted to ABUSIVE men! Emotionally, Mentally, Spiritually, Physically… If I think you might hurt me… Hell I’m crazy about ya! Familiarity… That’s what we are attracted too! I’m being ugly and I know better … I’m just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I tell myself “This too shall pass” and sure as shit it does and SOMETHING ELSE comes along! Ouch! Don’t squeeze my hand, IT HURTS! Inside joke  , don’t even try to figure it out… I’m taking a sleeping pill and going to bed… To hell with everything! |
| I woke up this morning to the phone ringing. Since my answering machine is full of messages that I have not listened too, it no longer picks up the calls. No room to store the messages I guess? So I lay there in bed for a few minutes after the phone stopped… where am I? What did I do last night? Who am I? What life is this? Once I figured out all of the above info I rolled up at of bed and headed to the potty room. First things first... So after my tinkle, I go look at the caller ID, it’s my sponsor. So I dial her number back… in my sleepy tone… I say, “Hey there… sorry I missed your call, I was sleeping!” So we have us a nice little chat and I find myself eager to begin this day. BUT I have no good water! I have to have good water for my coffee! Here in West Texas people don’t even want to bathe in our faucet water, let alone drink the gunk! So I start to build a plan in my mind of what to do and where to begin… I take a peek under the sink at my little faucet leak and the water has overflowed again… my bowl is full and runneth over. So I click on Some Whitesnake “Here I go again” and I dive into the dishes… I can’t have no fix it guys over here with a sink full of dirty dishes… so I toss them all in the dishwasher and spray the counters with my bleach stuff and then dial the number I know by heart. Yep, The landladies number! But the one I like answered, it’s going to be a good day after all! I tell her my story and we hang up. I click on my song again and start towards the computer desk to empty ashtray, knock off ashes from the table, put all the bills in one pile instead of flung about… and there’s a knock on the door. It’s Scott… the maintenance man. “That was quick” I tell him as I open the door and welcome him indoors. I have a bed head… Yep, haven’t even looked in the mirror yet. I got on a skimpy little comfy suit that I like to wear around the house but it is sleeveless and without an under shirt it shows a bit much… but hell it’s only Scott. This guy and I have been tight at one time. I thought he was cute until I got to know him. It’s 10AM in the morning… he falls into my front door with Jack Daniel’s screaming at me from his breath! First thing he asked… You hear about Armand? Yes… KayCee told me, she is the leasing agent that is nice to me, btw. So he bounces in my kitchen and puts his light under my sink and sits there for a few minutes. Then he says … “ol’ boy brought a bottle of Jack to work this morning. I’m getting started early”… and he laughs… and I laugh and I’m thinking, just fix my shit and get the hell out of here. Hurry! “Why aren’t you at work?” … cause I’m taking vacation days… “Must be nice, I never get no vacation days”… blah blah blah…I’m thinking… just get on it and get out! Anyway, he says the valve just needed tightened and so he did and off he went. He said if you have anymore problems call after 3PM! Why after three I ask? Cause then we wont have to work on it till Monday! Uhhhh…. Get out of my apartment. Believe me, I know this guy well enough… If it ain’t fixed… I will just keep dumping my bowl every other hour cause I don’t want that falling over fool in my apartment! Once in the past… he got so wasted I told him to go lay on my bed and rest for a few. HE PISSED on my BED! YEA! I was so mad! I have a brand new mattress that had never been PISSED on before he pee’d on it! I was sooooo pissed… he was so embarrassed and Armand was like, Can’t you just forgive him Jennifer? Armand was mad at me for being so mad at him… I wouldn’t let him come back to my place after that and Armand just didn’t think that was very nice of me. Until he PISSED on Armands sofa one day while partying over there! Yeah… Drunks are disgusting! I’ve never been so drunk that I pissed myself… Not yet anyway. But my sympathies have changed since I became a member of AA. Now, I wouldn’t be so upset but back then when it happened… I was PISSED over him Pissing my bed! I mean the man just let it rip in my BED! There were four or five other people here… I was in the kitchen cooking up something, I liked to play in the kitchen when I got buzzed. And Next thing we know, he is walking out the front door with a wet ring around his bottom half and my bed is soaked! Anyway…back to today… It got me trippin a little when I smelled the whisky on his breath. I don’t know why… maybe it took me back in time. I found myself being dazed and confused. I have much to do and I don’t know where to begin… So I got dressed, I threw my shades on and I was going to go to the bank and get some cash and go to the store and get some of my good coffee creamer but then I got to thinking… I need other stuff but I don’t really know what… I need to sit back and think about this! So I went down to the water mill and got me some good water and made me a pot of coffee and just using the regular ol’ creamer I got in my cabinets and figured I would read me a few blogs and blog myself… just to get my head clear… and I feel Better! I have to be very frugal cause I am sooo broke! I need fuel for my car, I need to get quarters and do some laundry… I need … I need… I need… So I am going to sit here, drink my yummy coffee and write me out a list… go through the process of elimination and see what I have to have versus what can wait till next payday! And I’m going to join my sponsor and Leslie in a group later today sometime. I think they should come over here cause Sheree has kids running in and out… Leslie has kids running in and out… It’s just me and drunk maintenance men over here! I’m glad I’m here today and not back there anymore. |
| What’s been going on today? I thought you would never ask! There is a leak under my kitchen sink, this morning I stepped barefoot onto my kitchen apple rug and thought what tha? So I get on my hands and knees and find my coffee can tool box to be flooded. So I pull everything out, push all the water into a bowl, towel the area dry and I see just where the leak is coming from. I didn’t want no company! This includes maintenance men so I just stuck a big ol’ bowl under the drip! Problem solved! Till tomorrow. I have been back and forth from the computer desk to the bed… all day long! I have been watching Court TV forensic files. I should really watch happier stuff sometimes! I just don’t get into any of the popular sitcoms. I am so stuck in my ways! It’s L&O or Court TV…but I like all L&O’s… The original, Criminal intent AND SVU. Who are my favorites on the show? MCCOY is the man! Lenny… Yep… Got to love his sarcastic dry sense of humor. Elliot is a hottie in disguise. I’m able to look past the forehead cause of his fine character qualities! Lenny was Armand’s favorite too. In fact, ARMAND got me hooked on L&O! Armand is an old party buddy and friend who passed away a few months ago… for those of you that may not know! When I hear Lynard Skynard singing FreeBird… I always think of Armand. It will forever be his song to me. I didn’t go to a meeting today and my sponsor nor my sister sponsor called to ask me what tha? I wasn’t going to answer the phone if they did call, I was going to play it off as I feel asleep but when they didn’t call I got a little butt hurt! I’m so resentful sometimes! I am… so damn sensitive! So I called Sarah cause she sent me an IM on Yahoo telling me she will see me on Monday. I called cause we got GROUP tomorrow and I want her to be there! I feel bad cause I think she feels bad cause I been acting throw’d off lately. I been acting throw’d off cause that relapse threw me the hell off! I was throw’d off before! And this relapse but the Fear of GOD back in me… Man, I hate that feeling! I hate that ‘bad girl’ feeling… I’m just too damn old for all the bullshit that comes along. I don’t have the means to be playing around like that no more. Well, she wasn’t home so I left her some offline messages and told her to call me damn it! I haven’t heard from her of late but I put myself in her shoes and considered how she must be feeling. I bet she is feeling pretty hurt right now. I really did kind of diss her yesterday. She has left me so many offlines and emails and I haven’t checked nothing but WDC so I didn’t get them until tonight. So I feel bad! I say diss her cause I just didn’t have the time to explain nothing to her. I just told her I was taking some vacation days and had the attitude of … don’t ask me no questions. She kept asking if I was mad at her and I kept responding with annoyance. If I WAS MAD I WOULD TELL YOU! I JUST NEED SOME BREATHING ROOM. Sarah is dramatic and I am for the most part a loner! I love my girlfriends but when I work with them, sponsor them, go to lunch with them, AA meetings with them everyday…they are at my apt every weekend and they depend on me to give them rides… after a while… I get to feeling like a boundary has been crossed. And if I decide to venture out on my own for the lunch hour she gets all butt hurt… she made that comment about her being my world. She got all pissed the night we went out cause I invited this other girl to sit with us… that girl was an annoying drunk but we were out having a good time and I’m a talker when I’m drinking! I don’t know no strangers! I’m just feeling like I am in a relationship and being suffocated! And I didn’t even know that’s what I was feeling! I just knew I was getting drained! I’m not use to having someone around me all the time. I’m use to being alone here at my place… just me and the fuzzball, my friends online and a few phone calls time and again. I’m use to making plans to hang with my friends but coming home by myself. So when she is all up in my butt 24 hours a day… I feel drained… unable to do my thing… she is so talkative and so clingy that she’s draining! I love her… I don’t want to lose her friendship but boundaries have to be made… She is like an overpowering lover that’s not even giving me no lovings! She has been a good friend to me… she is a great person. Yeah, I didn’t like her boasting about her bisexual cause we are always together and everyone knows we are tight. I am not GAY. No questions about it… I don’t want no stinky ass lou lou… that’s a fact! So anyway… it feels good to get that out… I guess I didn’t realize what I was feeling… and she has been around since JJ was here… it’s like I have had no quiet time, no me time… It’s been all about her. I was her sponsor and felt responsible. Even now, I can’t see leaving her to hang without a sponsor. My sponsor is just like, Naw… I don’t think I have time to sponsor her… ? At least help us find someone! I don’t think Sheree could handle Sarah anyway. I think Sarah would run her over in a flash. There were many times that Sarah and I went toe to toe during our discussions. Had I cared less or been a backer downer then she would have never got the message that I passed to her. But once you beat it upside her head, it does eventually soak in… but you got to tell her to SHUT UP for a minute and listen! You got to say it like you mean it cause she will talk about something she knows nothing about and pretend like she does just for the hell of it! She has an aggressive personality and will run over someone given a chance. She may even be more aggressive than me. I know I’m more of a softie. More of a giver… I’m really not the ‘in your face’ aggressive type… my faith has taught me how to calm down through the years but when I get mad… it all comes to blows. There’s been a few times that she has pushed me to pissed off from calm… and when she sees the difference she backs away. If I feel like I’ve been wronged, I get pissed… if I feel provoked I get pissed. I damn sure don’t know how to set and keep boundaries. I sure don’t know how to ask for what I need in relationships cause for one, I don’t know what I need. But today I do! I need some space. I want to keep this relationship with Sarah but I need some breathing room. Problem solved. Rant over! |
| I’m enjoying my time here at home. I have been sleeping on and off most of the morning and still I am sleepy. I’m enjoying loving on the Meowster and flipping through the channels. I saw on lifetime the movie “When a Man loves a Woman” with Meg Ryan. She is an alcoholic that goes into treatment. I saw that movie when in rehab for the first time and I just can’t hang with it today. I quickly turned it off and rolled over to catch a couple of more zzz’s. Then the phone rings… it’s Sarah on her lunch break just wanting to say hi. She got so pissed off at me yesterday because I was just acting weird, she said. I told her I’m just pissed off at the world, she said, “But I’m not one of them in the world!”… Then she backed tracked and said, “No I am your world”… That’s fucked up! I laughed but thought she acts like we are carpet munchers! Turns out the bookkeeper took her vacation time too! I think she did it cause I did. I think she was like, to hell with the phone ringing off the hook and having to deal with shit cause the front line ain’t here to do it. I knew she was going cause right after I talked to her about my time, she sent an IM out to all staff telling she was going out on vacation for the SAME days as me. Just seems a little strange to me. Hell, I don’t blame her. I get so flustered at my job. My boss lady is the main culprit too. Sure, she has a passive, easygoing personality… She has stuck with me through some storms that most other employers would not have. I appreciate that. She just doesn’t utilize me like she could. I took it personal at first thinking maybe she didn’t think I was smart enough but no the truth is… she isn’t smart enough. She has a flaky personality and instead of delegating the mediocre tasks, she just takes it all on. Sits in there and stuffs envelopes and seals them. Yeah… this is our ED… gets paid the big bucks to stuff envelopes and seal them. While, I sit at my desk surfing the net and writing to you guys. Every now and then I will answer the phone when it rings or smile pretty at a walk in or a walker by. I just got out of the shower. I’m feeling ZEST FULLY CLEAN! I like Irish Spring bar soap the best but I ran out and so I went digging under the bathroom sink and found the Zest that I bought JJ that he never even opened. So Hey it works! I need to get out to the store sometime today or tomorrow. I’m really low on supplies around the home front. My sponsor told me that she wants me to call her every morning at 10AM. This works out good cause that is the time everyone starts coming downstairs for their break and it can serve as a reminder. I am seriously thinking about getting a second sponsor and I will tell you why… I love Sheree. Sheree is an awesome guide and friend and I know she cares for the women in recovery. You can see it all over her… but she doesn’t have my religious beliefs. She is a believer, she does teach the AA program as it is… a spiritual program… and even though her higher power may be the exact same as my higher power… she doesn’t accept crosses as gifts {this is something to do with her religion} she doesn’t study the bible, she doesn’t go or wish to attend a church. She was also looking for a sponsor cause her sponsor’s husband is very sick and hasn’t had much time to spend with her but she refused to ask Lori to sponsor her even temporarily because Lori is a preacher and speaks a lot about her faith. Although Lori is working an awesome program and Sheree really likes and respects her… she just didn’t think they would mesh well together because of the different religion backgrounds. One of the things AA has taught me… God doesn’t make too hard of terms to those that seek Him. I believe there is more than one way to find your God. I love Sheree as much as I have ever loved her and its cool cause she gives me all her crosses that other’s gift her with. The thing is… I feel like I need more. She even told me that I must have missed something in the steps since I relapsed and we are going back to find out what it was. I think I already know. I need to be around my ‘kind’ more often. What do I believe? I believe in every word of the Bible. I believe in Jesus Christ and that He hung on a cross {actually a tree} for my sins. He died so that I may live. I believe that the God I have grown to know and love would never allow His Word to His people to be distorted over the years. Each story and scripture is there to help us and teach us to live. We have to let the Holy Spirit guide us as we read it… if we read it with doubt in our hearts, then we are wasting our time. Its called Faith … Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence; loyalty or allegiance to a cause or a person Christian Theology: the trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures by which humans are justified or saved. I haven’t always believed this. I started out as an unbeliever. Then I began to believe but it was on my terms… I took what I wanted out of the bible and I left the rest… after all it was man made! Then I hung on every word written and said from an idiot psychic who now I despise and damn near think she is the antichrist… so believe me my faith has developed over the years into what it is. I have thought this through and I know where I stand in my spirituality. My parents didn’t hand it to me. My ex husband was a believer when we met and I remember rolling my eyes at him every time he spoke of THIS God of his. He didn’t have much faith but what little he did have; I didn’t want to hear about it. Someday I’ll dive into my memories of how my faith developed into what it is but right now I think I know what I’m lacking. For example: just like when Sheree told me how much I’m going to miss JJ and how sad I am going to be when he leaves. See… This doesn’t sound so bad to a normal earth person but in my belief… Words have power! You’re speaking sadness into my life when you repeat this over me several times a day. She didn’t mean nothing by it at all… she was showing her care and concern for me. She doesn’t share the same beliefs as I do… and doesn’t believe the way I do. This doesn’t make her bad by no means, but it does make us different. The bible tells me to not be unequally yoked with another. When I find myself interested in a man one of my first questions is about his spirituality. Back in my party days I was even this way… once a man told me that he was atheist and immediately I lost all interest. Walked away and didn’t look back… Yeah I was a baby Christian at the time and my ways of dealing with things have grown over the years but I still feel the same. But AA has taught me that we don’t all have to get there the same way just as long as we get there! But when it comes down to getting close and personal to me… I need some input from someone that is walking the same direction as me AND has the SAME tools in their toolbox as I do. Then again, I can see another side to this synopsis too. We don’t all have to be the same to get to the same place, but I just need someone of the SAME to talk too… Make sense? I don’t know if this makes any sense. I really didn’t plan to blog this topic it just came about…. But I do think I may ask Lori if she would be a second sponsor to me. Sheree will always be my #1… I believe with all that’s in me that she was destined to be a part of my recovery. I knew it the day I saw her chairing that meeting back in November 2005. But I just think I need a little more. I think I found the missing link like she told me too. I need to find a home church. |
| I pulled myself up by the bootstraps. I’m getting off the pity pot. No time to be wasting! I have avoided checking my Real Mail for several weeks now cause I KNEW there would be a letter from Randy. I never wrote back to his last letter and it just bothers me to read what he has to say. I don’t even know why but I do know that I’m done with that. I just can’t leave him hanging like this though. I need to write back I guess. I’m not going to see him but I will drop him a line. I called my mom and talked with her a bit. I’m making plans to go hang at her house this weekend. I don’t tell my mom about the shit that goes on in my life. She can’t handle it but I think my stepdad has ESP cause his first question, Still going to AA meetings regularly? I spit and sputtered, uh yeah… I took vacation days for tomorrow and Friday. I am so burnt up on that place I work. I am really considering looking for another job for the first time for real since I’ve worked here. I am not happy with none of it… Odessa/ Midland is booming right now… there are jobs everywhere! I’m not making no big leap but I am considering my options at this point. I went to a meeting in Midland with Sheree and Leslie tonight. It was a study of the twelve traditions and concepts. I guess it was alright. My sponsor is so into AA. I mean I never knew AA was such an extensive program. She is way into service work and is the GSO connect for our group. These are good things huh! Maybe I’ll grow up someday and be just like her. I think I’m just down like someone said… and I’m picking and poking at the people that love me, like Sarah. I just wish she wasn’t so loud and talkative sometimes! I’ve had a lot of my personal business mixed in with my job as is… with my own doings and I just don’t want her up there telling everyone she is bisexual and they see us being best of buds… It just freaked me out. I don’t even think Sarah is bi, I think she just likes attention and enjoys saying off the wall shit that makes people pay attention to her. She never has hit on me. I have seen her get real happy about some men coming around too! My sponsor told me tonight that she isn’t going to be able to sponsor Sarah. She has too much going on as is and just doesn’t see that she will have the time. She is fixing to start college and she has a million things going. She is like the energizer bunny… always going, going going… She hardly has the time to sit with me. I have even considered getting a second sponsor… but I know what my problem is. I say I’m ok when I’m not. Sometimes I don’t even see that I’m not ok. I am tired and I’m going to crash out. I’m looking forward to this four day weekend. |
| I'm sad... I don't know what to do, just read a letter from Randy. Just got home from a different kind of meeting. I'm mad at Sarah cause She told everybody sshe is bisexual and they all know we are best friends so now everyone thinks I'm a fag... I assume anyway. I'm so tired. I need someone to talk too but I don't know who |
| I crashed out earlier, not even sure what time. I woke up thinking it was time to go to work. My sponsor STRONGLY suggested I go to a meeting today. I called her after work, I had to run errands for my boss… forgot to write mileage again, BUT I’m getting on map quest to get the mileage tomorrow. Anyway, I told sponsor that I’m tired, I’m ok, but I’m staying home. I just don’t feel like going to a meeting. I’m going to reset my date next time I go… I guess August 20th is my new day now…. I stopped back by the office about five or so and dropped off the posters I had created today for our barrels. I gave Sarah the Sweet Tea I got for her. We are now addicted to Bush’s Sweet Tea… it’s like fifty cents for a glass of it and I swear I go through that drive through like three times a day AT LEAST. Soon they will know me by my car and just bring me two large Sweet Tea’s before ever speaking to me. Sarah had to work tonight in the warehouse. There are three little girls volunteering for teen court and they just think I’m the bomb. They always ask if I am going to be there when they are making plans to come back. They were going to come last night but after learning I don’t work nights they were like, well we can come just tomorrow… But Sarah will be here, I told them… Oh Ok! Sarah is nice to the kids too. One of the little girls asked me yesterday, so what kind of college does it take to do what you do? Really, it got me to thinking. I have had a year of college. I went to school for legal. But I don’t work in that field obviously… never had. I imagine my skills learned in college had an impact on where I am now in my business but I don’t think it’s necessary. I mean I could have took a typing class in high school and been eligible to work as a receptionist for a nonprofit. I don’t know! Anyway, Boss lady is out of town tomorrow as are most of the in office staff. They are going to Alpine to give another Civil Rights training class. I have sat through THREE Civil rights trainings in the last month! I’m glad I’m not going. Well… I’m out again… until next time! |
| I felt like a real ass after I spewed my defensive attitude at my sponsor this morning over the phone. She called yesterday several times and I didn’t answer. She called my job just minutes after I walked in the door this morning. She was still half asleep; I could hear it in her voice. After I told her about the relapse, she said “you haven’t been going to meetings like you should… this is what happens when we don’t do what we know we are supposed to do.” Well! Let me just tell you about how my group let me down… Big John’s dumbass chairing the meeting, he ain’t even got a sponsor and don’t work the steps and even says so! And Sharon running her little red headed mouth about conference approved literature! Hey, I did my 90 in 90 days! Then I walked around pissed off for several hours. I don’t know why. Even Sarah said, you look like you are on the defense. So you’re done beating yourself up and now it’s everyone else’s fault that we relapsed? Grrrrr! She had an “in my face” point there… though I remained on the defense till after meeting with my sponsor at her house during the lunch hour. I learned it is my sponsor’s belly button birthday! Yeah, now I feel like a real ass through and through. I told her twice that I was sorry for snapping at her. Honestly… The reason I relapsed is because I wanted too! I wanted an escape. Escape from all the pressure of Sarah. Of Sobriety. Of living life on life’s terms. Other than this… there is no answer to why… The opportunity arose. The ‘give a damn’ wasn’t there. In a way, I needed this relapse. I needed to remember the reason I want sobriety. And believe me, I want sobriety. This shit is for someone else… I’m too old and not cut out for this lifestyle no more. The aftermath of this relapse has been inconsequential thus far. I’m careful when I say this as to not jinks myself! Or Sarah… but for the Grace of God… We lived through it, we lost nothing. She did lose a lot of money, it hasn’t hurt her… it was free money to her. Sure, money she could have spent somewhere else, but money that wasn’t necessary for her livelihood. And she knew this and voiced it before, during and even after the relapse. Really I have learned a lot from Sarah. She has a different temperament then me. A much easier going attitude… Sometimes I set the bar too high for myself. I have unrealistic expectations of myself and when I fail to meet those expectations, I crash and burn… My sponsor called me after Sarah and I left her house. She wanted to know that I was ok. Sarah fills the room when she is there most always. I have to overpower her if I want to say what’s on my mind. So basically… when Sarah is there, the conversation centers on her. I didn’t mind this because I was her sponsor, I felt it appropriate. I have since learned that’s part of what weakened me. I made comment to my sponsor that I was never ready to sponsor anyone. She said she still feels like I was. She said you had some sobriety behind you, you were working the steps, you showed every sign of someone chasing sobriety. The thing is Sarah and I formed a friendship, a co-worker relationship and a sponsor/ sponsee relationship all at once. Sometimes a sponsor can’t be a close buddy like Sarah and I have been. I am actually relieved that I am no longer her sponsor. Sheree asked Sarah to pray about who her sponsor should be. Sheree said she would do the same, until then, she is her temporary sponsor. Sheree also said she wants more one on one time with me, time without Sarah there. She told me that I don’t ask for what I need and talked about how when she was new to recovery she didn’t ask for her needs to be met. Well because she didn’t know what they were for one. But she wants me to start asking that my needs be met. I guess I got to start asking myself what they are… Faith is not the price that buys God’s blessing; it is the hand that receives His blessing. What are my needs now? I need to stay sober… without sobriety nothing else matters. I know this … without a doubt. What do I need to stay sober? This is my next song and dance. My sponsor also told me to write about the relapse. Look for the lessons learned through this experience. She isn’t taking me back to step one… she wants me to continue on with Steps 11 and 12. She also wants me to read Chapter 2, there is a solution over and over and over all of this week! What would I do without my sponsor! Hey, things are looking better over here for this backslider! Toodles! |
| I’ve been back and forth from sleep to consciousness most of the afternoon. During commercials of L&O, I rest my eyes and then I’m out until the next episode begins! I am exhausted. The phone has been ringing… it’s my sponsor. I still have not answered to her. I tried to call her from work and no answer. I imagine when she didn’t see me at the meeting she started to feel what has happened. There was a knock on my door but I was just too tired to get up to see who it was. It was either my sponsor or the little girl that takes out the trash for me for a small fee. I feel bad cause I am avoiding my sponsor. I’m just so tired right now. I’m sober. And I called her today from work so that we can make a time to get together. I already know what she is going to say about my relapse. She is going to love me no matter what, but it’s going to be a big deal to her. This disease is life or death to her. I told Sarah today that I’m going to help her find another sponsor. She deserves to have somebody she can call on and rely on… someone like I have. It’s fucked up that HER sponsor got drunk and high with her! I know it has happened before, I’ve heard the stories… but she deserves to have a solid foundation in AA to hold onto. I’ve got it in my sponsor and she deserves to have it in hers. We want my sponsor to be her sponsor, but if Sheree declines we have another in mind to ask. We have also decided that we need to stop hanging out so much on the weekends. I know that the door has been opened now and the enemy has the upper hand. I know what to expect. I’m not throwing up the white flag. I’m not giving up. This relapse could have been a lot worse then what it was. Sarah and I had each other’s back and never got out of each other’s sight. We kept it just her and I. we called a cab when drinking. I didn’t drive. We didn’t call my old big daddy either. We went threw a different route… I’m glad I didn’t open up the communication with the past… with who I fought so hard to get away from. Sarah is taking it better than me. Sarah has a much easier going personality than I do. She is like “I did it. I can’t change it. Life goes on.” This is her attitude about it. Me, I’m slapping myself around wishing I could change it… I’m borrowing from the future trying to make up for the past. Sarah is worried about me. I am worried about Sarah. She bought all it! And we did a lot. I feel like not even a bad sponsor but a bad friend to let her do that. She tells me that if I had tried to stop her she would have got Glenda to come and get her and went with her and left me behind. I did keep asking her with each trip back that we made… if this is going to hurt you? Think about it! She doesn’t have any bills, she lives with her folks and her paycheck is free. This is what she kept telling me. Even now… she sings that same song… she doesn’t appear to be upset about the money. If it were me, I would be devastated. But I also got a car payment and rent haunting me. Still I regret that the most of everything. Her money is hard earned and I feel like a real bitch for helping her blow threw it. I just don’t have the energy to talk to my sponsor right now. I could barely keep my eyes open at work today and since I have been home, I’ve been in and out. The sound of the phone ringing is driving me crazy! I even forgot about poor Meow out on the balcony as I slept but she didn’t seem to mind. She was sunnin’ away out there… One night I did fall asleep and left her out all night. That time she was a little butt hurt over it… I could tell. I watched that clip about Hector and his family in the news and it brought tears streaming down my face. I don’t cry often… and I caught myself stuffing this cry, trying my damnest anyway. Maybe I need to just let it rip... spend a day having a good cry. This relapse is really no surprise. I believe when I took those pills after the conference it was a relapse. I’ve been living on the edge for quite a while now. I just found a way to get around it in my mind… I never told my sponsor about that either. It’s really been all about Sarah with me. I love putting the focus on someone else cause then it takes the pressure off myself. Some of you made comments about how you didn’t believe I was ready to sponsor. You were right. Now, I know I’m not ready. This relapse was different. I see the difference in myself. Even when I was drunk and high… I care now about life and I want to live the good life… this is different. Right now I can’t think to write much of what I really want to say but I do know that a sober mind is better than a tweaking mind. I don’t fit in that lifestyle anymore. I don’t think I ever did fit there but I can see just how out of place I am there now. I’m back to my knees asking for sobriety above all things. I’m not letting this carry me away from everything I love again. |
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