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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
| I am absolutely exhausted. beat*, dog-tired*, done for*, drained, had it*, outta gas*, run-down, sapped*, spent, weakened, worn out I’m not even going to talk about what I think of my job or my boss at this moment in time. I’m just going to let it slide… will be continued. JJ just told me that he is worried about me. Why I ask? Because normal guys don’t look up phone numbers to girls that never offered to give them their number… He overheard me telling Skittles that his friend called me at work. I told JJ that he should not worry cause I’m tough. Then I backtracked and said… It’s not that I am all that tough, it’s just that I am mean as hell! So no worries… He got a good chuckle. I did call Skittles just right after I got in from work today. He was busy but I wanted to more or less to feel him out about his friend calling me. I gave my phone number to Skittles… not his friend. The ONLY reason I gave my phone number to Skittles is because I liked his involvement in AA and spirituality. I felt that we could have some really cool conversations. One’s that I can walk away a better person from… and vice versa. I told him… Brian called me at work today… he said… Oh yeah… like it was no big deal. So I asked, did you give him my work number? There was this long silent awkwardness and he said MY BRIAN CALLED YOU? Yes… The Brian that was with me when I met you? Yes… Another long awkward silence… What did he say he wanted? He pulled a prank on me and said he was just calling to say hello. Honestly, I found it offensive, he asked me for Ding Dongs and rice for his five hungry kids… and Uh… I didn’t give him my phone numbers and I don’t even know why he called me. Skittles said “ Jen, I didn’t give him your number. I told him when we were driving over to met you ladies at that café that you’re the one I liked and he said the other girl had given him her phone number. I was at his house yesterday for a BBQ and I told him again how much I liked you.” He sounded pretty upset but he was keeping it on the cool for my sake. He apologized to me for his friend and said that he is going to ask him if he has talked to either of us and just see what his response is. And he said, “I’m being real with you… I’m not playing a game.” I assured him that I didn’t want to cause any problems but I just wanted him to know that his friend had looked my work number up obviously out of the phone book and called. I was not one bit impressed with his sarcastic joke about needed ding dongs to feed his kids…I was rude to him… before I even knew it was him… I knew that it was someone playing with me… whomever it was I didn’t appreciate it. My boss and the bookkeeper were standing right there when I answered the phone and it wasn’t cute one bit. Then he was like… damn… what happened to that sweet lady I met the other night?… this is Brian. I was like, Brian Who? … Brian! I met you Saturday night at the dance. My first question, How did you know my last name? I don’t know your last name. Yes, you said my last name when you asked if this was me. No I didn’t, you are hearing things I know he said my last name. I even asked Skittles how did his friend know my last name. Skittles said “I don’t even know your last name”… That really pissed me off. Come to find out, this Brian guy is married! Skittles told me last night… He said, I hope Sarah knows that Brian is married… Uh … no… She has not a clue. He has not offered this little bit of information. Totally disrespected his friend, totally disrespected my friend by calling me… and totally disrespected me by calling me when I never offered my phone number to him. I guess he thinks if I gave Skittles my number… I wouldn’t have a problem with him calling me. And maybe I wouldn’t have had a problem with him calling me if he hadn’t played that stupid joke, deceived my friend by not advising her he is married… and had not shit on his own friend who made it crystal clear he liked me from the start. You know… And I have been trying to call Sarah all day and she isn’t answering her cell and there is no answer at her parent’s house. I keep leaving messages and there is no return call. She usually calls me if I don’t show up at the meetings. I didn’t go today and she didn’t call… I’m a little concerned. AND DAMN IT … I can’t sleep! I’m so fucking exhausted and no rest will come for me… John was extra nice to me at work today. I think he feels sorry for me cause I am having surgery. He keeps asking about it… if I am ready for it… etc… he asked today if I have seen or talked to Randy. No, I only went to see Randy cause it was his birthday. I don’t plan on going to visit him again… for one damn thing, it’s a pain in the ass and I’m a busy woman… Randy hasn’t called but I got to thinking I might have collect calls blocked from coming through to my phone because back with I was dating Raging Robby he had this real bad habit of calling me collect all the time from the bars… but I don’t know if I blocked it through my phone service or not, it’s been too long and I’ve slept since then! I’m so damn tired… Oh yeah… I threw my PM pills away several days ago… I talked to my sponsor about how I was taking them every night… about four a night for two weeks and I asked if she thought it was a relapse. She said no, but that I seem like I may be right on the edge of one. She suggested I do something drastic to stay sober. I liked that idea… but honestly… right now I am too tired to do anything. Let’s go to bed babe… |
| Quick! I just got a call from the man Sarah and I met at the dance on Saturday night. He obviously looked up the phone number to my place of business. He totally gave me the creeps! He said my last name when he asked for me! I have no idea how he knows my last name… this is the man that Sarah gave her phone number too. This is the one I said kept making eye contact with me but Sarah was hot for him from the start and turns out I was thankful she picked him because after getting to know them both… he just wasn’t my type. So he was playing a prank on me saying that he needed food for his 5 kids, he wanted some ding dongs and rice… I have never heard this man’s voice over the phone and I advised him that I was fixing to end the conversation if he wasn’t interested in the phone numbers to our local agencies that assist the public with our product. He is like what happened to that sweet heart I met Saturday night? You’re not even the same.  OMG, I didn’t even give this man my phone number but I do remember telling the table about my job and where I work and he took it upon himself to look the phone number up! I told him I had to go but that I will call him back… and got his phone number… hope he doesn’t hold his breathe. Weirdo! I have to tell Sarah… it’s going to break her heart…she was so hot for him… I knew he was a piece of shit from the start… Grr… |
| Welcome to Dreams…I didn’t plan on creating a new blog. I intended on taking it right up to 500 but I exceeded the space limit and had to delete a previous entry to put my last entry in… so here I am… unprepared… no images, no idea what I want this blog theme to be, BUT a desire to BLOG so I threw something together to get me through for now. I am addicted to blogging! I don’t like that my blog is unavailable and my readers are not able to peek in and see if this is a new entry or not. I find that little peekaboo option quite useful. However! I want to keep my readers limited to Authors and higher… Why? Well because I don’t want just any ol’ Internet surfer to goggle and find my life on the web. I goggled myself the other day and my portfolio popped up! Yeah, My picture plastered across the computer screen! Oh no… this can’t be… so, hopefully now that little problem is taken care of. Maybe I just don’t know how to make the peekaboo option available! Man it took me forever to just create a new blog, it’s like my brain froze up… Oh Curt was a black man with white curly hair Have mercy! That song is stuck in my head. Lynard Skynard - Ballad to Curtis Lowe… Curtis Lowe was the finest picker to ever play the blues… I played it for JJ cause in his favorite song Rodney Atkins has a line about Three steps, a Simple Man and Curtis Lowe… JJ didn’t know what that was about… So I educated him! Now he has a new favorite song and I have another song stuck in my brain! On the day he lost his life… that’s all he had to lose… Play me a song Curtis Lowe, Curtis Lowe… So! Back to where I was before I got cut off … first I lost my spunk because of Obit… Then I was told I couldn’t write anymore in this blog! I was going through hell but I just kept on going… didn’t look back, I was afraid but didn’t show it. Geezz… Anyway… at the dance we had a good time. However! I jumped JJ’s little butt hardcore. I have yet to be as stern as I was with him but last night he saw a side he didn’t know existed in his Aunt Jeni. I was on the dance floor… dancing! When the song ends I come to the table and sit down. JJ is gone. I don’t think much of it… he prolly went to pee… so I dance some more… about 15 minutes pass by…still no sign of JJ. So I go looking around. I ask the ladies at the door… You seen a kid with a pony tail walk by here? Yeah… we think he just went into the bathroom. Oh ok… I must of just passed him by while looking and he is now in the bathroom so I go back to the dance floor and dance away… Another 15 minutes or so pass by… no sign of JJ. So I go back to the bathrooms… I ask several more people… you seen a little dude with a pony tail walk by? No… haven’t seen him… He’s not around the bathroom. He’s not sitting out front on the bench… he’s not at the table; he’s not in the coke machine room… I go from walking casually to damn near running, as I am looking every where for him. I went out to the car… not there. I grab Sara and say Where’s JJ??? She doesn’t know so we split up and are both looking for this little dude with a ponytail… Every where! I’m a high strung woman as is… I mean, I am calm but I can get worked up real quick… SO… let’s just say… I was thinking the worst had happened already… I was almost at a breaking point… one that I was fixing to get irate with someone cause SOMEBODY has to know or seen him going somewhere or with someone! You know… Sara comes back and says she found him in the alley behind the building. He is fine and is going to sit there and play his game. WHAT? The hell he is! I go stomping outside and walk around to the back of the building… no SIGN OF JJ… All I see is a dark alley! Not even a street lamp to light the path… I’m screaming out his name at the top of my lungs, walking down this dark alley… dogs barking wildly… and then I thought… if he was back here… The dogs would have been barking before I got here?! Right? So chances are he isn’t back here. So I go back to the front of the building and I start walking the street… across the street I see a clumsy little figure walking through the dark towards a nursing home that was tucked back into the surrounding businesses. I scream out his name and the clumsy little shadow jumps in surprise… That’s when I knew it was him… that’s when I knew he was safe… that’s when my fear turned into Pissed the fuck off! A dimension of pissed off JJ didn’t know existed in his sweet little ol’ Aunt Jeni… JJ was across the street and about two large buildings passed the other side of this street… I start screaming at him before I even got across the street. I don’t even remember what I started out saying… something like You are 12 years old, you don’t walk the streets at 11PM at night… I just asked him what I said to him last night and he said I told him I was going to kick his ass if he ever did that again. And I made him sit right next to me the rest of the night… He didn’t understand why I got so mad because he walks outside during the meetings a lot… I am like JJ! That is 5:00 PM in the afternoon! And I know your sitting outside on the front bench! We are at my home group! I know every person there and I know they are going to watch out for you just as well as I would! This is a dance damn it… it’s almost midnight! There are people here I have never met before… wall to wall people at that! This is a damn AA EVENT… Every crook, low-life, backass piece of shit that’s ever been convicted of a crime involving drugs or alcohol has been mandated to walk through these doors! … Well not the dance but still! Not everyone has right motives and you can’t tell who does or doesn’t by the way they look! He managed to get out one sentence - Well, Sara knew where I was and she said it was ok Sara isn’t your AUNT! You answer to me little boy! Wheeww… I was mad… Honestly, I was scared… very afraid and once I knew he was all right I wanted to kick his little butt. I even threatened to take him home… All the way to Florida! He started mouthing back at me at first, until he realized just how pissed I really was… then he got that deer in the headlight look and stood there with his mouth open. You stay on my ass like stink on shit for the rest of this evening! Famous last words of a pissed off Auntie… JJ and I were both puffed up and pissed off when we went back into the dance… I’m jerking chairs around put one right next to me for him to sit in… he say’s I’ll sit over here… No you won’t … You will sit right here! And you’ll do it now! I guess about thirty minutes later… we were both over it… I was out dancing again and JJ was talking snapshots of us all out on the dance floor. I was quite the talker before that happened… afterwards I was wore out… I got stressed and I felt it in my neck and shoulders. I may have over reacted but I don’t feel guilty one bit! Nothing like when I ate his Taquitas. So… my sponsee/friend had a man in her view right… well, I’m the “not shy” one… well, mostly because I wasn’t interested in him (or anyone) so I was like… who cares if he rejects us… no skin off my butt… so I go over and ask him if he would like to dance. He says he would but that he only dances to country music. It happened to be a bust a move song that I asked him to dance with me during… so I told him I would be back to ask him to dance to country and I went back to our table and advised Sara that yep he dances but only to country… she screeched and squirmed and ranted on about how cute he is… yeah, he was alright… just a dude… he kept looking over at us and he made eye contact with me on several occasions. But I knew that my friend was interested in him from the get go so I wasn’t going to do anything to jeopardize not only the friendship we are creating but also our sobriety bond. He was there with another guy… and since She means more to me then he does and even though I thought he was the better looking out of the two … I asked his friend to dance during the next country song and Sara asked him to dance. They both obliged. I don’t know if I should say this… but I’m going to anyway! I think I am the better looking out of Sara and me. Well, I know I am. We wear the same size in clothes but she is shorter, has a way smaller frame than me. So I carry the weight better. She is tomboyish and I am a girly girl. I come to the meetings wearing business casual… mostly because I go to the meetings right after work and Sara comes to them wearing ragged out clothes, paint stains across her clothes and body. She doesn’t wear makeup. She has some teeth issues and I think she wears dentures. I don’t know but she has the sunken in look around her mouth… Anyway… I could be sounding egotistical about right now… but physically I would say I am the better looking but Sara does have a beautiful personality. She is growing on me. At first, I wasn’t real sure if we would mesh well together… but I have come to see that even though we have some big differences… she has some awesome character traits. I do like her. And also it just depends on a man’s liking! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You know I have big bones… I’m a large framed woman… some men are not attracted to that at all. Regardless of how well I sparkle up… I’m not going to attract a man that is attracted to petite and skinny women! I’m not obese {depending on your idea of obese anyway} I don’t think I am obese, lets say… I’m not grossly fat… but I’ll never be skinny… it just ain’t me. If I were the suggested weight of my height, I would look like a skeleton… because I’m just a big girl! Hell, my 12-year-old nephew wears a 10 ½ size shoe! I shit you not! And I had to get my dad’s bone structure instead of my petite little mothers… but what can I do about it now? Not a damn thing… anyway… back to my point! Sara is very personal. She is outgoing… outspoken… honest to a fault almost. She really has some neat qualities about her and I adore her. Well, she gave her number to this guy and invited him and his friend to go have coffee with us. I didn’t want to go but I wasn’t going to ruin her night. She was like a screeching teen-age girl; she was so hot for this dude. So we all went to my little favorite café for a cup of Joe and basically had an AA meeting after the dance. So this guys friend is black right. I don’t usually find myself attracted to black men. I don’t usually find myself attracted to anyone but white guys. I know it may sound a little racist but the truth is we all have our preference! Before Randy… I went to dinner with a black guy one time and I had a one-night stand with another black guy that was wearing Houston Oiler Football gear for Halloween many years ago…and that’s it. I dated one Mexican man that beat my door down once and climbed my balcony like Spiderman another time… whooped me in the parking lot of a bar and then came home and finished off the job… that was the one and only Mexican man I have ever dated… needless to say… I just don’t find myself attracted to Mexican men anymore. I know that’s not a Godly quality… and if I fell in love with someone I wouldn’t care if they were purple! Obviously! But my preference is white men… However! During our coffee date and after getting to know both men for who they are and not physical appearances… I found myself more attracted to the black guy. His name is Kenneth, AKA – Skittles… cause he always has a package of skittles in his pocket. Even JJ said after we dropped Sara off… You got the better of the two! He liked Skittles more too. The other guy seemed quite sarcastic and judgmental. I don’t find those traits to be attractive. I adore wittiness but not just blatant sarcasm resulting only in belittling of people. Skittles is a strong member of AA. A very spiritual man… he spoke of God many times throughout the night. He just seemed all around a better catch to me… if I was trying to hook and sink one in, of course… but I’m not… Although! I see that a friendship could be made between Skittles and I… and really I’m glad that the other dude was Sara’s pick because I would have been disappointed after getting to know him had I been the one pursuing him. Know what I mean? Maybe not… but that’s all I got to say about that. Except that I don’t play the role of pursuer… I am the pursuee… That’s just me… But Sarah hasn’t been laid in three years! There’s a bit of desperation on her now… plus, she just lost her husband right before she got out of prison. I just want her to be careful with this guy and take him for what he is right from the start… no fantasy worlds! Well! JJ and I went to lunch with my sponsor and her hubby earlier and then we have been here just sitting in the quiet most of the day. I have been reading and writing, he is playing his game. I roasted a chicken but we haven’t eaten any of it… prolly wont today. We had a late lunch and our bellies are still full… and then I had some cookies and cream ice cream… my favorite ice cream… I better enjoy it now cause when JJ leaves so does all the junk food! I’m getting back on track… I don’t want to go back to work tomorrow, but I guess we don’t always get what we want. I did decide today that I am not going to Shafter’s funeral. I’m sure not going to the viewing… I will get my closure in my own way. It doesn’t mean I don’t wish to pay my respects to him… I just don’t wish to attend the funeral. I think about it now and I wonder if I should… but I just don’t know… JJ is here and he is leaving this Wednesday… I just don’t know if I can handle the funeral and be ok and well enough to hang with JJ his last day in Texas you know. I don’t want to ruin his last day here… I don’t know… but I know I don’t like thinking about it… I do ok if I don’t think about it. When I saw that obituary this morning I got pretty sad… almost cried but not quite… I am just not a tearjerker though my heart feels it. |
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