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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
| I hung out with Kenneth AKA ~ Skittles, all day yesterday. Sarah and I traveled to Midland and attended the Early Bird meeting that he chairs every morning at his home group. There were a lot of men there! But like I told skittles… Hell I use to be the only woman drinking and drugging with a lot of men; I can damn sure sit around and talk about sobriety around a bunch of men too… Only one other lady, Other than Sarah… Momma Jackie… A big black woman that doesn’t waste her words… strong but sweet. We all went out to breakfast after the meeting. Then I invited Skittles to come over to Odessa and just chill with me. It began raining as we sat in the little café in Midland. I mean pouring down rain… as if a cow pissin’ on a flat rock. Skittles obliged… Brian did not. This in turn upset Sarah. She wouldn’t say it aloud when I asked… but I knew, she knew I knew, even skittles knew… it was all over her. This is what I fear for her. I want her to want sobriety more than she wants this man. I want her to put herself first and not this man… whom by the way! Has a beautiful sweet wife that has loved him for a long time. I am finding myself getting frustrated. I need to step back and think this over. As Sarah’s sponsor I can only make suggestions. She knows how I feel… I have blatantly said so … Brian knows how I feel about him… Sarah has told him.  it’s not that I think he is a bad guy… I don’t think he is working the steps. I don’t think he has the program in him… I don’t think he is the best option for a lover… or even a friend to my sponsee. This is all beside the fact that he is MARRIED. Sarah justifies; she says she is only a friend with him and will be nothing more. I know how she is feeling and thinking cause I been in her position before! She is a lot like me… a big softie. She is much easier going than I am though. And she is deceiving herself when she pretends that she is strong enough to tell him no if he pursued her sexually. She is all about him right now and not working the program. Though she is … doing the assignments I give her… her focus is on him… not her… and not sobriety. I have noticed lately that since she knows my opinion of Brian and her being involved with him. She is beginning to leave out bits of truth to me. She told me yesterday that she knows what I think. She respects what I think. And it’s there in the back of her mind. What else can I ask for? I am not her conscious. I am not her decision-maker. You see… I am practicing my character defects in that I want her to heed my advice and do it now! I just see how this will unfold… anyone can but Sarah. She is looking at him through rose colored glasses. She was hot for him the minute she laid eyes on him. She isn’t strong enough in the program to recognize another strong member. She thinks all Brian needs is a little love and support. Hello? Skittles is his sponsor… and Skittles has supported him and still is. Brian has a wife… that loves him and skittles says his wife is all about Brian’s sobriety. She thanks Skittles everyday for being a part of Brian’s life and living sobriety in front of him. So this is the spill of what the downfall between us all was this weekend… Brian is dead set on going to the lake. He and Skittles like to go kayaking and have been for the last few weekends making road trips to the lake. Brian wanted to go this weekend. Sarah was all for it. I said no. I have things I want to do around my home. I need some rest. I have surgery to prepare for. I need to catch up with my step study, spend time with my God… I need quiet time. JJ just left last week. I still haven’t even vacuumed the chip crumbs up from around the sofa that he left behind. There are just things I need to do! Skittles said no. He has been running off down the road with Brian for the last few weekends and he hasn’t been to his Church group. He got a call from his pastor last week asking where he has been. Skittles wanted to get back to Church today. So Skittles and I advised Sarah and Brian that we aren’t down for it… We need to plan on another day because this weekend isn’t good for either of us. Brian got resentment over it! Pissed him off… Skittles knows how Brian is and knew what to expect when he turned down Brian’s offer. Well, Sarah has Brian’s back all the way and She is getting flustered at me because I’m not all for jumping in the car and running off down the highway. She hasn’t come right out and said it but I can hear it in her tone. So, last night she called me and I asked what her plans are for today? I suggested that she get some rest… and ready to prepare for her new job bright and early tomorrow morning. There was dead silence… I think she considered if she was even going to say anything to me but she did… She said No, I am going to spend time with Brian tomorrow. She didn’t tell me she was going to the lake with him but I assume that is their plan. Previously when we spoke about the lake plans I suggested that she not go with Brian to the lake alone. She knows I don’t think it’s a good idea… I know she knows… so I didn’t say anything. I just asked that she be careful and stay true to herself. She blurted out… Yeah, you need to do the same. I felt a sting of, well… pride… and I almost went into telling her the difference between Brian and Skittles and she and I… but I didn’t… I just blew it off. I have a choice to make at this point… Put the Serenity prayer into practice? Continue to beat Sarah upside the head with my suggestions? Truthfully, all that I am to be concerned about is Sarah’s sobriety. I signed up to teach her what I know about the 12 steps. I didn’t sign up to be her boss. Her sobriety is her choice. Her acquaintances are her choice. I am responsible for me. It’s my job to love her. I don’t have to agree with everything she is doing to love her and support her. I’m not going to be able to convince her to do what I think she should do. Even if it is the best choice and I strongly believe it is… my suggestions are birthed out of love. I have no hidden motives whatsoever. I think she knows this… and I imagine she will have to learn the hard way… just as I did. I am going to stop voicing my opinions. I’m just going to listen… if she asks me what I think I will tell her… unfortunately, it’s not going to be what she wants to hear and chances are she knows that and will not ask anymore. I’m just going to love her and hold her hand through the steps. Just like my sponsor does for me… I ask God to teach me how to sponsor. I’m new to this… Sarah and I are developing a personal friendship. I am an opinionated woman… I ask God to take away my difficulties so that I can help her through His Power, His Love and His Way of Life. Always… God’s will be done… God, Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change. (Sarah & Brian) The Courage to change the things I can. (Me, my attitude, my reactions) And the Wisdom (GOD) to know the difference. At the café yesterday morning, Sarah wouldn’t even eat in front of Brian. She wasn’t going to order nothing… then everybody made a big deal of it so she ordered one pancake… cut it in half and ate one half of it. I’m like… I came here to eat! I want two eggs; over easy… bacon, hashbrowns and toast… bring me some grape jelly… I’m here for some breakfast! I paid for Skittles breakfast too… told him I didn’t drive to Midland to get a free meal… That’s something my dad always tells me when he comes to Odessa to visit and I try to buy his lunch… “ I didn’t come here for a meal ticket!”… Skittles ordered the same but with wheat toast… the waitress forgot to bring out his toast and so I am like you can have some of my toast but it’s white… I didn’t mean for it to come out that way… but it sounded funny the way I worded it… and Skittles said, Well, I guess white will do… everybody at the table laughed out loud. Skittles is a black man for those that don’t know! Momma Jackie was there and she laughed out loud about our conversation. I guess one of them things you got to be there for… Brian told us that he would come to my home later in the day after he took care of some business. He never showed up. Sarah was upset but then later made excuses for his absence. He never even called her to tell her why he wasn’t there. She left my home about three yesterday and went to a bike rally with her dad in Goldsmith, TX. Skittles and I watched a movie. I made some queso for us to snack on. Put some rotel and ground meat up in it… then we made a noon meeting at my home group… went back to the 5:30 at my group… and planned on making the 10:30 Candlelight meeting but something else come up.  I needed yesterday. It was so relaxing to just kick back with some friends as it poured rain outside. I did my domestic thing… got my apron on and cooked up some good eating… watched a movie… talked about sobriety… Skittles and I have some great conversations. He has worked an awesome program for the last three years. He talks about his mother often. She passed away when he was in rehab. He strongly suggest that I take full advantage of my mother’s presence because it’s not ever the same when they are gone. Today… I am going to do some reading and studying… going to write my brother and his ex wife a thank you card for letting JJ come to spend time with me. I am going to drop Randy a line in the mail and let him know I got his check and I will be taking it up there to put on his books Monday during lunch, but I’m not going to be visiting him. I doubt I will say that in the letter… but I can’t help Randy. I did talk to Skittles about him a lot… and he is going to reach out to Randy. I have done what I can for him… it’s time to Let Go and Let God… Skittles has an old girlfriend that has relapsed and calls him every time she gets drunk and wants him to come over and help her. She kept calling yesterday and he answered the phone and told her that he was in Odessa and wasn’t able to help her out. He told me all about that situation and I have told him all about the Randy situation. I gave Skittles the advise that Grifter   posted on my blog yesterday… I felt it wise… we are too emotionally connected to these people to be able to properly help them. We can only lead them to someone that can help and let it go… Good advice Grifter! And well taken… Well, I must toodle away… I shall return! Loving you till the very end! |
| I woke up early this morning, getting ready for the Early bird meeting. I love WDC. I wake up thinking about this place. Thinking about writing. I am a writer! I love words. I love other writers! I have found so much Experience, strength and hope on this website… I love it! I have a problem… This is a public notice… I’m going to leave the name out but you know who you are! I have had enough… I never respond to your emails. I have not led you on to believe I am interested. You leave the most ‘off the wall’ comments on my blog… you send me 15 emails a day… sometimes I write back, most of the time I don’t. I am not a mean person. I asked you once before to back off. I guess you thought I was playing. I have made a mistake in turning to you to help create images for me… You are making my experience here at WDC less than enjoyable. I need for you to leave me alone. I’m sorry if this comes across as mean. I have asked you nicely once before, you did not oblige. I don’t appreciate your obsession with me. It’s not that I am so grand… it’s that you have a problem within yourself. I can’t help you , just like I can’t help Randy. This is my blog and I come here to write about my life which has nothing to do with you… My cup runneth over! No more Miss Nice Guy… I do not want anymore emails, no more CD’s … no more GP’s… no more badges… no more emails, no more blog comments, no more emails! If I have to I will find a way to block you from me. I am not here to fall in love… I am here to WRITE and you are distracting me… You are making me uncomfortable. I need for you to back off… You need to seek help. I’m sorry, I know this is mean… I have tried the nice thing… I know how you feel… your hurting… I can’t help you. I know when I can help someone and I can’t help you. I am telling you to leave me alone… you scare me, you harass me… you have a problem … you did this to my friend Beth… I sent you a review for the addiction alley contest that I was a judge in and ever since then you have stalked and harassed me… I’m telling you that I am not interested publicly. I don’t want to even be friends… I’m giving you this one chance to leave me alone … or I will report you…. I will climb the ladder and see what it takes to get you and your obsession away from me…. Leave me alone! I do not want to hear from you again! |
| I just made the decision that I’m not going to see Randy as I planned tomorrow. I am going to take his check to the jail. I am hoping that they will let him sign it and cash it there for him. I don’t know what has to be done, but whatever it is … I will do it to get his money to him. In his letter he asked that I pick up his clothes and wallet and send it to his mother in Austin. I don’t even know where to begin with that… his instructions were so vague. I assume clothes and wallet from the jail? I don’t know… I guess I will ask the clerk tomorrow about that. I’m not going to visit him. I can’t. I don’t want too. I will write to him. I have given his address to Skittles who is writing to him. I also gave his address to the other workers in the warehouse... what more should I do? The memories of the hurt he helped me inflict on myself keeps coming to my mind. It’s not that I am being vengeful I don’t think… it’s just I don’t want to see him. I want to move on… and say goodbye to yesterday. I imagine this will all be clearer to me in the morning. I feel distraught right now. I just want to let go… am I turning my back to a fellow addict? I’ll do what I said I would do… I’ll get his money to him… I requested help from a man in sobriety on his behalf. I’ll never stop praying for him. I’m not the only instrument that God uses… WHAT? Yes… I can’t help Randy anymore. I’m done. |
| Step Seven of Alcoholics Anonymous: Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings. My sponsor explains humility as being confident that God knows what’s best for me. My Grand sponsor says that perfect humility neither exaggerates nor does it minimize… Perfect humility just accepts. Bill W. says that humility is wanting God’s will (desires) more than we want our own will (desires). FYI ** During this blog entry, paragraphs in italics are directly taken out of the 12 &12 … For thousands of years we have been demanding more than our share of security, prestige and romance. When we seemed to be succeeding, we drank to dream still greater dreams. When we were frustrated, even in part, we drank for oblivion. Never was there enough of what we thought we wanted. In all these strivings, so many of them well intentioned, our crippling handicap had been our lack of humility. I had group today with Sarah, Sheree, Leslie and a newcomer Amy. I invited Amy to our group last Wednesday without consulting Sheree, and I was corrected. BUT I overheard Amy saying that her sponsor just wasn’t available much and she was eager to start the steps and didn’t know where to begin. I wrote my number down for her and told her what my sponsor had suggested I do during the first step. To my surprise she showed up for the group today. I am actually on step 8 and 9 but I feel like I have missed something so during my own personal studies I wanted to back track and read, meditate and study again on Step Seven. Amy is but two weeks sober. Looking into her eyes, I could feel her pain. She reminds me of me… so eager to move forward… chasing sobriety but scared silly. A few times I witnessed her eyes light up as I spoke to her about my experience, strength and hope. I introduced her to my sponsor and my sisters in sobriety. Sheree is like Momma to all of us. I always scan her eyes for approval as I make suggestions to the newer newcomers than myself. I can tell by Sheree’s eyes if my words are stamped with her approval and if they are not. When we finally admitted without reservation that we are powerless over alcohol, we are apt to breathe a great sigh of relief, saying, “Well, thank God that’s over! I’ll never have to go through that again!” Then we learn, often to our dismay that this is only the first milestone on the new road we are walking. Still goaded by sheer necessity, we reluctantly come to grips with those serious character flaws that made problem drinkers of us in the first place, flaws that must be dealt with to prevent a retreat into alcoholism once again. **Goad:  a stick with a pointed or electrically charged end, for driving cattle, ~ I learn something every day in AA!  I must practice humility everyday or I will not survive in sobriety. Humility is a necessary aid. This is what Step Seven is all about… Humbling myself before my maker and asking that he remove my character defects. I must choose to endure the pains of ‘trying’ or choose to endure the penalty of failing to do so. Sobriety is a choice. I choose sobriety. I choose life. Refusing to place God first, we had deprived ourselves of His help. But now the words “Of myself I am nothing, the Father doeth the works” began to carry bright promise and meaning”. Each of us would like to live at peace with himself and with his fellows. We would like to be assured that the grace of God can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. We have seen that character defects based upon shortsighted or unworthy desires are obstacles that block our path toward these objectives. We now clearly see that we have been making unreasonable demands upon ourselves, upon others and upon God. The Seventh Step is where we make the change in our attitude, which permits us, with humility as our guide, to move out from ourselves toward others and toward God. Most of my life has been devoted to fulfilling my self-centered desires, even if dipped in honey and coated with sugar. As I work the seventh step… I’m Asking God to remove my faults and I am surrendering control. During the first step, I surrendered control and admitted powerlessness over addiction. Now I am admitting my inability to remove my character defects. First, God has to make me aware of them… I have my list… Next, I ask him to show me when I am practicing them. And then… I ask for the power to do the footwork needed to aid him with their removal. I am asking God to help me let go of my past and create a new life within. I look back over the last 90 and somewhat days… and I find that I am disappointed in myself. Here again, I am practicing the character defect of thinking I have to do everything perfectly. I haven’t worked these steps perfectly… about sixty days into sobriety I grew stagnant. I stopped praying like I know I need too. I stopped reading, studying, growing through the steps. I am somewhat disappointed in my sponsor for not jumping my ass. Here again, another character defect in practice… it’s much easier to point the finger outwardly. It seems that once I was convinced that God had done his part… took the desire to drink and drug away from me… then I ceased to do my part. My sponsee saved my ass! Or rather God saved my ass through her. The alcoholic deaths of those I have loved has brought me back to my knees. I was on the edge of relapse. You may not have noticed… I didn’t know it… but within the last three weeks I have been closer to relapsing then I have in all of these three months. And then SUDDENLY… God grabbed hold of my attention once again just in the nick of time… My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character that stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding ~ In Jesus Name I pray… |
| Hi… It’s me again Margaret. Are you nekkid? Let’s see today is FRIDAY! It’s also PAYDAY! But I’m already broke before the check even get’s put into my hand…such is life huh… Sarah will be here at the food bank shortly to take her pee test for new employment. We will then go for lunch. I need to call Sheree… No answer. I don’t know if she is going to get with us for group today. I will carry on group regardless if she shows or doesn’t. Sarah and I have also invited other women who may or may not show up… I think I will go see Randy Tomorrow. I am taking John with me, will pick him up right after the early bird meeting I am attending in the morning. Kenneth is the chair there and I am making a point of driving to Midland to attend that meeting. He and I spoke over the phone last night and had a great conversation. He is growing on me more each time I talk to him. Today… I think I’m going to make it all about step study and AA… tomorrow I will see where to go from here. I guess I need to cut this short… against my better judgment. |
| Today Armand passed away. A little after midnight he died in a Colorado hospital. ‘Make a Wish Foundation’ granted him a wish and he chose to go to Denver and see his old friends. He went there the first few days of July… he was scheduled to return a few weeks later but wasn’t strong enough to travel. He passed away early this morning. My landlady stopped and told me about his death as I was checking my mail this afternoon. She didn’t say if he was drinking but I know he was. I remember the last time he came to my home he asked if I would run him to the corner store and if I did he would buy me a bottle of wine. We could make a toast to his wish being granted. I wouldn’t take him to the store. I told him that I don’t drink anymore. I’m already in for the night and didn’t want to get out again. He could barely stand because of the pills he had taken that day. He always took more than the doctor suggested. He was more than willing to hand them out like candy. Armand died an alcoholic death… just as did Shafter… Armand’s wish was to be cremated and sent home to his sister in the Netherlands. The landlady spoke of how she had been cleaning out his apartment all morning and had found lots of pictures of me. She said she boxed them up to be sent to his family. This wasn’t unexpected about Armand. I knew that it was to come. I talked to Armand about God a lot. He started listening to me towards the end of his life. I could see the difference. I witnessed him call out to Jesus in his pain. The last time he came to my home, it started to pour rain and he couldn’t leave until it slowed down. He busted out in tears as he talked about the kindness his boss had shown him. He was afraid of death. He told me through his tears. I know that he is in a better place now… too… I got a letter from Randy in the mail. His letter is overflowing with sadness. He will be serving the rest of his time. No more parole… he’s doing hard time, two years at least, is what the letter said. Within the last week, I have lost two friends to an alcoholic death and I have lost one to an institution. The Big Book tells us that asylums, institutions and death… are what awaits alcoholics who will not or can not recover. Witnessing the misfortune brought on by addiction in the lives of those close to me has made a believer out of me. I saw my old boyfriend walking down the sidewalk carrying a case of Budweiser. I saw it as a weapon in his hand. I felt sad for him… a self inflicting weapon… I wonder if Shafter and Armand are hanging out together? I wonder if they are back to their young pretty boy appearances? Are they together and cheering me on in sobriety now? Pleading to the Father on my behalf to ensure I learn from their mistakes? Or did they even make it to the other side? Are they walking on streets made of gold? I believe they are… both of them… and Randy was spared death… How low will his bottom go? I pray this is it... |
| Because of its mysterious transmogrification from a caterpillar, the butterfly is a universal symbol for intense transformation, usually for the better. If the butterfly is in the egg stage, the coming change is still but an idea. In the larva stage, a decision needs to be made. In the cocoon stage, you are working to make your dreams a reality. An adult butterfly flying in the air indicates sharing, or the need to share, your ideas with the world. I have but a few moments to take note of some stuff that I want to take note of. The above paragraph I found while goggling dreams and butterflies. I am trying to come up with a blog theme that has a connection to them both. I absolutely love the above comparison of the life of a butterfly to the life of a tenderfoot like myself. I have several images in route to me… and I don’t want to grow impatient like I did when I was shopping for Serenity Prayer images and order myself way too many! Then they all come in at the same time and I can’t decide which one I love the best! So I am taking it easy on image shopping… keeping it simple, against my better judgment! A few days ago I blogged about being upset that my sponsor keeps telling me how sad I am going to be when JJ leaves… I had the below daily meditation on my desk calendar yesterday which backs up what I meant to say… Oh by the way, I had a big long juicy blog entry typed up on a word document earlier. Actually I had several word documents up at once and other work related stuff… and I closed it all out without saving and Pooofff! My blog entry was gone! Piss me off! When I pasted what I had written onto the blog flappy thing… it was Carla’s letter of resignation instead of my blog entry! Like I should be writing her resignation but she can barely turn on the PC let alone get to a word document. However, she believes she is qualified to replace Candice. WE WILL SEE… a story in the making… She resigned from Americor* and is officially an employee at the food bank now. I still sound resentful to her don’t I ? I really hope she can cut it… it’s just if Candice snapped under the pressure of those vultures… what makes Carla think she could hang? Maybe she doesn’t know what I know about that situation back there… She will learn soon enough! ANYWAY… here’s my point about when my sponsor was telling me how sad I was going to be… and though my entry came across that I was off the chain and real pissed… I wasn’t… I’m not… it’s just when she says those things to me, I start believing them rather they are true or not! Words have power! You can speak over your life and the life of others… you can bring blessings or cursing by the words of your mouth! You can begin to change things in your life if you will take the Word of God and start to speak it over your life. Truly I tell you , whoever says to this mountain, Be lifted up and thrown into the sea! And does not doubt at all in his heart but believes that what he says will take place; it will be done for him. ~ Mark 11:23 That’s a promise you can bank on! Well, I must toodle away. I feel great today…. I’m back to my playful, happy, singing self… and my sponsee got hired on in the warehouse here! This is great news! She needed a job real bad. Tonight after the meeting I am going home and going to spend some time online here at WDC! Toodles… |
| I tip my hat to the parents out there… single, married, mothers and fathers… especially those classified as ‘working poor’ … It’s tough providing for kids! You want to give them the world. You make your wish list right along with them and 90% of your prayers and requests are all about them. The daily concerns of… What will I feed him? Does he have clean clothes? Can we scrape up $3 for that milkshake he wants? Where will he go while I work? If I leave him at home alone and depend on his 12-year-old rational… will he fall prey to some online sexual predator? Will my home be picked randomly for a day light robbery? What if he plays with those matches I left on the table? Is that dirty movie hid well enough? Did he listen when I told him about not giving out information to strangers who call? Did he hear me tell him to keep the door locked? Man! The chaos that ran through my mind! Even though JJ is a smart kid… Even though I had much faith in his 12-year-old common sense… STILL… I am responsible for him. I love him… not just that warm fuzzy feeling that makes one smile at times… No… I LOVE that boy… like if something happens to him YOU going to have to come to West Texas and commit my ass to the asylum. ESPECIALLY if it’s because of something that I did wrong… or could even be POSSIBLE that I could have made a wiser choice concerning him… It’s just stressful! And this is my nephew… my brother’s son… whom by the way has had a damn good raising! I am much impressed with my brother and his ex wife’s parenting skills, by the way… but my point here is I can only imagine what a parent feels for their child and how much of what I felt would be intensified. I only had a month with him. I had my mother as ‘acting’ spouse, basically. She carried much of the financial load… and STILL I scraped by and put my last few bucks in my gas tank yesterday. Just so happens… The man that borrowed $20 from me like six months ago! Showed up at yesterday’s meeting and paid me my money. Is that cool or what? Just at the scent of time… I just want to tell you parents out there… give yourself a pat on the back! I just got a small taste of what you endure happily every day and I have gained much respect for you. Even more so for the working poor cause HUNNY… I just thought I had financial problems before… Add a 12-year-old boy and I’m too broke to even be talking about being broke! Just the everyday things that we want them to have… apple juice, milk shakes, batteries for the CD player, meals at the coffee café (What kid wants to sit and drink coffee? No they want to eat!) , Soda’s at the meetings, Skittles every time you stop in at the corner store, Chips and Queso before the meal at the Mexican food restaurant, bubble gum, flinstone vitamins, clean socks and underwear … I bought JJ some underwear and socks cause I didn’t get the laundry done on time! It’s hard work being a Mommy or a Daddy! It’s hard work being responsible for another human beings life… I salute you! I told my boss lady today that I'm ready to be that selfish single woman again! JJ made it home safely to Florida. My brother just picked him up from the airport about an hour ago. I am exhausted… I am physically, emotionally… exhausted! It may take me a few days to get back to myself. It’s been all about JJ for the last month and it seems so much SHIT has just flung my way too! … if you can find a path with no obstacles it probably doesn’t lead anywhere Says an Angel I’m starting my anti-inflammatory meds today… I picked up the prescriptions for the medicine doctor prescribed to prepare for surgery. My ears perked up when I saw the Valium there… they did… I got that happy feeling bubbling up on the inside of me! I then told my mother that I think she should hold on to em’ until the day I am SUPPOSE to start taking them. And she did… I chaired yesterday’s meeting. It was awesome. I said a prayer before I began and I tell ya… prayer works! I am living proof of it! I am the Tuesday chair girl for the month of July. Justin told me today that he gave up on me and him being a couple someday. I am thinking quietly to myself… Good… cause I never was interested I want an equal… I don’t want to carry the load by myself… and if I have too… then why not just do it by myself? At least then, I make the rules! I say what goes! Well… after consulting my higher power that is…  I’m calling this day done. It feels good to be at rest. No music, no TV, I don’t have to cook, I don’t have to make sure my butt cheeks are covered! I can go spread eagle, let me lu lu air out and watch me some L&O reruns! Love ya long time! |
| I called and spoke with Sheree. She will not be attending today’s meeting because of a kidney infection. JJ wants to see her but I am so exhausted! I mean like fixing to fall over I am so tired and regardless that I got eight hours of sleep last night, it didn’t help! I have to get JJ packed up. I have to get all of his laundry done, make sure I have him all together and ready to get on the plane tomorrow. I haven’t decided if I am going to miss all of the day at work or just leave about lunch time. I think I will come in during the morning and then just go early. His plane leaves the ground at 2:15. I still have tons of food that I planned on preparing for JJ. I finally bought those damn Kiwi fruits and they are sitting in my fruit bowl turning bad. This may sound shitty but if Sheree can’t come to the meeting and see JJ on the last day he is here then I am not going to wear myself out running him over to her house so we can say goodbye to her. This sounds shitty… yes I know… She does have a kidney infection. They do hurt! I know I had one once! But I have Taquitas to cook and clothes to wash. I have my own goodbyes to say. This is our last night together and I don’t want to spend it running all over town… and wasting away my last $7 that I put in my gas tank this morning. Sheree wasn’t able to come to my 90 day party yesterday. That’s fine, no big deal. I didn’t even show up… turns out Leslie had made me a cake. Sheree told me when I just called her. Then she tells me how much I am going to miss JJ. You know that’s right I am going to miss him. Then she tells me how sad I am going to be. You know what… I don’t need these words spoken over me. I’m sad already a fucking nuff! Sure I’m going to miss the kid but this isn’t his home, I’m not his mother and his time is up here… time to go back home and be my brother’s son. And I told Sheree this… this was like the fourth or fifth time she has told me how much I’m going to miss him and how sad I am going to be… Get over it! OK… I don’t need those words spoken over me… just stop! Yeah, I am annoyed … Then she tells me I am tired too often and I need to contact my doctor and tell him the hormone pills are making me so tired… this is also the fourth or fifth time she has told me what I needed to do in the situation. I appreciate the tip. Yes, I am exhausted and have been for a quite a while… BUT my “to do” list is big enough right now and honestly the last thing I need is someone adding on to it. I heard her the first time she suggested I do that, today was the fifth time… LOOK … let me decide how sad I am going to be ok… Yes, I am going to miss JJ but I have a life. I haven’t been to the gym since he has been here. I haven’t been able to walk around my house in my panties since he has been here. I got to get dressed in the closet. So maybe I need to get laid… I can’t even bring no one home with me cause JJ is there … chances are I wouldn’t but Still I can’t even masturbate! No bedroom door! Well I have to go cause the comp[uter guy has to work on my computer and I just jumped some kids ass for cheating on the sign in sheet… Wheeww he pisseed me off… BYE! |
| I am writing to you on a brand new dell computer! We all got new PC’s today here at work. I like! BUT I still don’t have email, no databases, none of the stuff I need to do my job here. So, I’m just setting all my preferences and waiting on the clock to tell me to go home and eat some spaghetti with my mother and nephew. My mom is again at my place and is cooking lunch for us today. I won’t be spending much time online this afternoon because I am going to spend that time with JJ. Maybe watch a movie or something. Tomorrow he will be boarding the plane at 2:00PM. I need to call Sheree, brb… Well, never mind. I don’t have my day planner in my purse. It must have fallen out last night. I now remember seeing it lying on the floor this morning. That idea has been postponed till after lunch. I had a great conversation with Skittles last night. He is going to write to Randy. He is working the twelve step…reaching out to the addict that still suffers. Skittles has been sober almost three years. He is one of the few black men that are strong in the AA program. I don’t know why that is … but most AA strong members are old white men. I know that Randy wanted a sponsor before but he wanted it to be a black guy. I know that Skittles can help him if Randy wants it. Skittles reminds me of Randy in some ways. So, I am excited about that. I’m also getting nervous about the surgery but I’m not going to pay no attention to that today or tomorrow. Today my focus is enjoying JJ… Tomorrow my focus will be saying good bye to JJ and getting rest… I am still exhausted. Even my mother said so when she stopped by this morning to get the camera I had in my purse. Her first words “You look so tired!” … I am! So…during the dance I approached a man that I recognized from rehab. He was not a resident there; he was an AA member who reaches out to newcomers. He visited me while I was in the hospital and last night I felt it appropriate to let him know I was celebrating my 90 days. He congratulated me and suggested that I look the word “Simple” up in the dictionary. And I did … Simple: 1. easy to understand, deal with, use, etc.: 2. not elaborate or artificial; plain: 3. not ornate or luxurious; unadorned: 4. unaffected; unassuming; modest: 5. not complicated: 6. not complex or compound; single. 7. occurring or considered alone; mere; bare: 8. free of deceit or guile; sincere; unconditional: 9. common or ordinary: 10. not grand or sophisticated; unpretentious: 11. humble or lowly: If there is one thing I have learned within these ninety days of sobriety. If there is one thing I could pass on to a newcomer… a suggestion… to help them get through… that suggestion would be… KEEP IT SIMPLE… I have suffered needlessly because I haven’t always kept it simple during this first 90 days. No, I had all these great plans… all this huge unrealistic goals … I caused myself unnecessary pain. Lessons learned! That’s the cool thing about the program that I am part of … maybe someone else will be spared the useless pain I endured if they just listen to my experience, strength and hope. I will be leaving the building shortly… Kiss me cause your going to miss me!  |
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