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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
I fell asleep right in the middle of Oprah earlier, about 4:30 and I am just now waking up. I had several calls as I slept but only one message left by my father. He said he needed to speak to me, that it was important and needed for me to call him as soon as possible. So I start thinking the worst. Actually, we have very little ‘ties that bind’ so I thought what could be so important? Instead of driving myself crazy trying to ASSume what is wrong I called him back at almost midnight tonight. He didn’t answer but called back a few minutes later… Said I woke him up…  Well you woke me up too! I just didn’t get up right away! Next Saturday he wants me to drive to Idalou, which is right outside of Lubbock, TX and help clean out my Grandma’s house. He said anything that has his name on it, If I am interested… he wants me to have. This is the grandma that is going into a nursing home. So! Looks like I will be making a road trip next Saturday. I’m going to see if Sarah wants to come along. The last time I drove to this particular Grandma’s house… I showed up wasted at 11AM for her 80th birthday fish fry party. I was steadily mixing em’ too. Then my dad said something and I told him to kiss my ass as I darted off into the night. Ended up getting lost in Lubbock as it poured rain… I just got the pictures from that day developed and man I look like shit… I don’t wear drunkenness well at all. Page 82 & 83 Alcoholics Anonymous ~ The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, “don’t see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain’t it grand the wind stopped blowing?” Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. We must take the lead. A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won’t fill the bill at all. We ought to sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past as we now see it, being very careful not to criticize them. Their defects may be glaring, but the chances are that our own actions are partly responsible. So we clean house with the family, asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love. We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God’s people we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone. I’ve been working on creating my amends list. Though I had a good idea of it from working the fourth step… I did some reflecting, added a few names… got a better idea of what wrongs I need to attempt to make right. My ex husband, his sister, ex mother in law are top on the list. My mom and step dad, my job, Beejay, Shafter and Carla… and an ex boyfriend that I tore right through also made the list. Oh and an old Co-worker and boss made the list. Shafter is dead now… I didn’t get to that amend in time but my sponsor says there are ways to make amends to the dead. I imagine it will be a letter that will never be sent. I don’t look forward to purposely going out in attempt to contact my ex in laws. But I believe God will make a way when it’s time. Beejay… I still have anger towards. It’s not a fighting anger and it’s so many little things through the years that I have just grown tired and have finally thrown my hands up in the air… proclaiming I just don’t care anymore. But like the book says… my focus is on my part, not hers. I imagine she will be the last amend I make… And Carla… I didn’t even want to put her on there. I would much rather just do my fake smiles and say good morning and that’s that. But I said a little prayer, asked God if there is someone I have forgotten and her name came into my mind loud and clear. Like I have said before… I don’t know what it is about her… I just don’t like her. I really don’t see anything of myself in her… I have looked closely and other than our hair color… there is very little resemblance. Other than she is moody. I can sometimes be moody. She is emotionally insecure and I am sometimes emotionally insecure. She is codependent and well I am codependent. But that’s about it! I put Shafter’s obituary clipping in my big book to remind me of where the alcoholic road will end. Jails, institutions and death… The rewards of our time spent in the bottle. I also put a picture of me and sponsor in there and I got my prayer list and seventh step prayer written out. I still have not memorized it… So I’m now on Step 10, though I do need to meet up with my sponsor and go over step Nine… She will answer any questions I have, fill in the blanks… I talked to her today. I have been missing a lot of meetings this week. I’ve been doing a lot of sleeping! It just seems that everything caught up to me and I heard that big pop (my head coming out of my butt) and I know that H.A.L.T. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired…. One or more of these at a time is bad bad bad… for a gal like myself. I damn sure ain’t hungry! And now I’m getting rest. This is good… I’m in a good place. Sponsor talked about the dating thing today… she said I am dating like normal people would, well minus the physical parts… Normal people date and see what they like about a person and what they don’t like… she suggested I make a list so… I liked Kenneth because he is a spiritual man. He prays, he works hard, he cares about other people and goes out of his way to help another. He is simple minded… doesn’t complicate life for the most part he is childlike in a mature way. He keeps it simple. This I like… What I didn’t like… Too Passive! Too much of a doormat… I saw his little dishonesties and I realize he was dishonest with these people because he didn’t want to stir a stink so instead he took the easier way out and he lied to them about little shit… but still I didn’t like. He also either has some financial problems or he thinks it’s proper for a woman to pay a man’s way. He saw my giving nature and he took it for what it’s worth… That I didn’t like. So, there was Vernon… Vernon was attractive. Tall dark and handsome, but again very passive. He was into church and spirituality but he was down to earth. This I like. He was going to college and liked to read and learn. This I appreciated. That’s about all I liked about him. He was good looking. He was getting an education. Other than that… way too passive… way to soft spoken for me. Just damn near boring! I would tear his world up if ever in the position to do so. Then there is Jay… Funny guy… love his sense of humor… That was very attractive to me. He had an aggressive personality… I like… though I have an aggressive personality too but if I feel safe in doing so, I will let another take the lead. Jay was perfect at first sight… Not bad looking at all… Outgoing… talkative, funny… He had my head spinning for a few days… Until I saw that he walks different than he talks. He tells you one thing and may very well believe it himself at the moment… but he will fail to follow through with what he said. And he will blow it off as no big deal… such is life. He also has a biting tongue… quick to spew out words without thought… that will clash with me in the long run cause I will bow up when insulted. I don’t take criticism well at all. Then there is Randy… Passionate… Fun loving, physically athletic… observant, quick to compliment a lady… he is a people pleaser. But he is also a liar… deceiving, cheating… a wanna be ladies man… he’s selfish and uncommitted. He is looking for what’s in it for him at all times. He is fake. Not at all something I can live with for more than one night. So! If only I could create a man with Kenneth’s spirituality, Vernon’s desire to better himself, Jay’s sense of humor and strong personality… wrapped up ever so sexily with Randy’s passion and fun lovingness… I would have the perfect man!  I’ll keep looking!  I’m going back to bed now… |
| I forgot to mention earlier this week… Cowboy Corey… Some of you may remember him from way back before rehab. I met him at a bar, after I sang on the karaoke stage he asked me to dance and we danced the night away. He ended up staying for two days and then I never heard from him again. He rode off into the sunset… Well, he is living in a rehabilitation center now that comes and volunteers at the food bank four times a week. Yeah… Sarah was drooling over him when he first walked in and I am like, been there done that… barely remember it though. At first, I was a little jumpy around him … had to make sure my face was on just perfectly but I got over it within a few minutes. It amazes me how far I have come and what has changed on the inside of me. I found the entry that I wrote around the time he passed through my life  "Invalid Entry"  Strange how the linked entry is almost a year to date. I just read it. I didn’t even know I was an alcoholic. I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know what it was… He was with me when I put the whisky dent on the side of my car. That dent still makes me roll my eyes every time I see it. I had spent a little over thirty days on a dry drunk. I wasn’t drinking but I may as well have been. I had all the mind sets of an alcoholic. Finally, I could hold out no more and I started drinking about noon the day I met him and didn’t stop till Cowboy and I passed out in my bed long after the bars closed. Next morning… Red Beer and Tequila shots… back at it again… until the money was gone and so was he. He is mandated by the courts to be in this Christian rehab for 12 months. If he fails to follow the rules he will go to prison to finish out his sentence. I’m not real sure what the lesson is in this situation for me… but you can bet I will do NOTHING to hold him back from bettering himself. I am reminded of where I have been, where I am now and where I someday hope to be. ** Men are not angered by mere misfortune but by misfortune conceived as injury. And the sense of injury depends on the feeling that a legitimate claim has been denied. ~ C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters Yes, I was angered yesterday when my legitimate claim was dismissed by the hot head that works in the office of where I live. I don’t understand why she would be so hateful to me. I have lived at those apartments for almost four years. I have been late on my rent ONCE and that was because I totally forgot to pay rent… Just forgot… it was December and I had so much on my mind… Sure, I’ve had some complaints about my music and yeah a couple of times I got into it with neighbors and the courtesy cop… especially back when I was drinking but for the most part… I’ve been a good tenant. Truth is… it has nothing to do with me, it’s just her… it’s her personality, her character… it’s who she is… but it doesn’t effect who I am… Not unless I let it… I just won’t do business with her anymore. I will go out of my way to speak to the assistant. I will make it well known that I am going out of my way to speak to the assistant too. I have that prerogative right? Problem solved… I did take down the foil from my bedroom window this morning… though I did not want too! But… Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, and be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless—that's your job, to bless. You'll be a blessing and also get a blessing. Whoever wants to embrace life and see the day fill up with good, here’s what you do: Say nothing evil or hurtful; Snub evil and cultivate good; run after peace for all you're worth. God looks on all this with approval, listening and responding well to what he's asked; but he turns his back on those who do evil things. ~ 1Peter 3:11 The Message Bible ** I am so busted about smoke breaks. I try to be all smooth and step outside less than a minute! Inhale that cigarette like back in JR High when I was hiding from the principal and sure as my butt’s sitting in this chair… the phone rings every time and my boss answers it and she comes in search of someone and she see’s me walking in from outside… BUSTED… no other way about it… I have got to stop smoking so much… learn to just do without! Becoming a better employee is my focus right now… I’ve been focusing on getting here early or at least on time in the mornings… and I’ve tried to stop smoking as much but this is hard… but not impossible right? So this weekend, I plan on doing a lot of resting, reading, studying… I want to do some writing… I don’t think I am going to take part in any AA events this weekend. I am just going to get right within... have my own AA meetings. I am really looking forward to it. Well, I imagine I should bring this to a close and find something productive to do until its quitting time. Love me would ya ! |
I’m going to think the very best… repeat after self… practice what you preach… and believe the landlady had the best intentions. She is not antagonizing me…. No, she isn’t showing her authority… No, she intended to post that little notice regarding the foil on my windows yesterday… as it’s DATED but things are just so hectic being a landlady of 208 units that she didn’t get it there till today… till AFTER I called her and asked that she pitch in for the $318.00 Electricity bill I have in a 750 square foot apartment… her response… Uh… I’ll call the owner and ask but don’t count on it!  Let me save your time and I will call him myself… Give me the number please… and Thank you. And I did… I enjoyed speaking with them a lot more than that redheaded meanie and during the conversation I made a point of telling them just how snotty and rude that woman has been since the day I moved in here four years ago. Maintenance man screwed up when he told me A/C froze up since there was not a drop of freeon in the machine… But then again… I asked… and he had no other out… so he was forced to tell me Yeah… We are short handed and your unit has not been maintained… Hello? So my bill jumped from $95 to $319 in ONE month and I should be responsible for it? I get home from work, arms and hands full of the poop from out of my car that I been procrastinating about and leaving in there for the last month and what did I find? A note… telling me to remove the foil from my bedroom window, dated YESTERDAY… and I have until TODAY to get it down… My first reaction… FORGET That STUPID lady! My second reaction after several paces across the living room floor and many ideas of retaliation… she meant to leave that note yesterday as it’s dated… she isn’t picking on me… she is just an ignorant woman that doesn’t know what day it is… Ok, I’ll take the flippin foil down but not till I get good and ready… like before I go to sleep tonight. That foil has been there for two weeks… Funny how all the sudden it became noticeable to her. OK.. Rants over… sort a… So main office I spoke with Nancy, owner’s name is Bill… Nancy said to wait till next month and then send last month, this month and next months bill to her so we can compare and see what the difference is… This is reasonable… This is acceptable… This is a much better response then… Well… I’ll ask but I doubt it! I will no longer speak to that woman! I will make a point of talking with the Assistant in there and I refuse to speak with that red headed lolipop again because she chaps my rear every time I talk to her. I don’t like her. She has no people skills. She is an arrogant, ugly, insecure woman that can’t even smile when she passes you on the sidewalk cause she feels that darn bad about herself! Or rather this is my assumption… Regardless… I dreaded having to make that call to her… and sure as I suspected… she was a mean head and it ticked me off. I am a sick woman that can not tolerate such people at this point in my life without flying out into left field and it took all I had to remain professional and nice with that dipstick… but I did… Gee… I’m such a potty mouth aren’t I… I don’t cuss like this in real life… just so you know… I actually HATE the “F” word… it is just so ugly! And for sure is ugly coming out of a ladies mouth… I don’t know why I cuss like this in my blog … maybe making up for lost time! ** Shrug shoulders** Anyway… I guess I should call my mother or something and tell her about the news… SINCE my electric bill is in my mothers name! and has been since I have lived here. My name is tied to my Ex-husbands name and He is very good about not paying his stanking bills… Even if I had got my maiden name back, I’m still stuck with him cause of our social security Numbers… Look, I said Freaking… I’m getting convicted over here… and the house I left him at… He ran up like a $500 electric bill and refuses to pay it… He just keeps his utilities in his latest girlfriend’s name… So I’m screwed unless I pay that… I should check into it and see what needs to be done… Do the next right thing huh … Anyway… breathe in … breathe out…I’m going to take the foil off my window. I’m going to get a copy of all three months bills… I’m going to fax them to Nancy… I’m going to not speak with Sharla (redhead meanhead) again… I am going to speak with Kaycee (blonde nice lady) at all times… regardless if she thinks it’s fair for them to help with my electric or not… at least she will be civil about it… and I don’t have to consider getting drunk and bulldozing her home… I’m a sick woman! Does she know who she is pooping on! I come from a long line of outlaws and gunslingers … it would be as easy as ABC to revert back to my ‘don’t give a darn’ days… But I’m not going to do that… I’m really not all that tough… Honestly, I never even been to jail… I don’t even have a criminal record… and here I am talking this smack… But it feels good! Well enough about that… What’s been on my mind? I’m trying to be a better employee. I’m trying not to take so many smoke breaks and trying to be on time in the mornings. Those are my two bad points… I get bored sitting there at the desk and I wanna go smoke! Like way too many times in the day… and I’m always late! And I miss too many days cause well… cause I don’t have my priorities straight… Like uhh Work being # 1~ So I been thinking about that a lot… how can I better my performance at work… And I have AGAIN decided that I am not dating for a whole year! Not even if the guys seems to have all his shit together… Not even if we just claim friendship or whatever… I’m going to be stern about this… like Patrick is … he goes to the meetings and he is so antisocial… We all try to flirt with him and he never flirts back… It amazes me… but I’m going to be just like him! Well… I’m out already… it’s almost Friday ! Woot! Update***** You know I use to peek into other blogs and see all those F words and just shutter… it really makes us look like a fool when every other world is an F word. I feel bad now. What if my mother reads this? Or like maybe I win the lotto and I never come back home, I just hit the road and never come back and mom has to get my affairs in order… what would she say about all those F words? I feel bad… It often shows a fine command of language to say nothing… if you can’t say something without those ugly F words. I feel bad… What has happened to me? Am I getting loose in my old age? Have I forgotten my morals? I’m going to stop cussing so much… And the C word… Oh my… What about the mothers in my audience and here I am saying those words in front of someone’s mom. I feel bad… Am I giving sobriety a bad name? Here I am spreading the AA name with every other word being an F word… I feel bad… I’m going to edit and take all those ugly words out… I'm a bad bad girl |
| I just finished washing, drying, folding and hanging up 6 overstuffed loads of laundry! I’m pissed too! As I am folding and hanging up all that bullshit that I try to pretty this ass up with I am forced to reckon with the fact that I am a damn GLUTTON. Moderation? What the hell is that all about? I’m mad at myself for being a glutton. I’m made at my boss for being so impersonable and having some of the ugliest facial expressions. I’m made at Skittles for being a deceiver just like every other man I have known. Thing about him… he deceives himself… well, just like every other man I have known. STANKING MEN! Like Shanelle says… Fuck em’ all… Except the one’s reading this blog  your special… MAD! I’m MAD! I’m lonely but I don’t want no fool over here with me. I’m overwhelmed but I don’t want no quiet time! I’m just MAD! The damn laundry pissed me off! Least it’s done now… I can’t stand Carla… Every time I see her I wanna smack her… I try to be the Christian woman that I know I am … I just don’t like her personality… I can usually find more good in someone … and it’s not that she ain’t got no good in her… it’s just even the good I don’t like! I’m in a STANKING mindset. I need to go buy some damn groceries and this time I need to get back to my healthy eating. See, while JJ was here… I totally let the health thing fly out the window… I think we got a milkshake every night of the damn week! He got a chocolate milkshake and I got an ice cream on a cone… And I am so out of the habit of eating healthy… So… Baby steps right… Start by baby steps, get back in the gym… take it easy… don’t kill yourself on the treadmill… So… That’s the next on the list… First I gotta vacuum out the car! It’s nasty! Then… Going to go grocery shopping and buy health food… Like I am use to buying! No shopping for a meal for some man come the weekend… No…Pork Chop, fried tators… Ranch style beans… Hell NO… It’s back to Lean Cuisine and Lean Pockets! Carrots, Apples, Grapes… Yogurt! Fat Free EVEN! No More ICE CREAM, DR PEPPER, Licking the chocolate off the break room donuts! Its back to Oatmeal… and Fruit grain bars for breakfast! Randy done wrote me a letter telling me how he is running out of money, sure hope his mom comes through for him. He just can’t eat that jailhouse food so he done spent his check on other stuff… I can see where he is getting at… then he calls collect up at work, knows I can’t be accepting no collect calls…and my phone wont let collect calls come through… I could change that… but FUCK THAT… So as I am folding I’m thinking of all the shitty things he ever done to me… and I look where he is and where I am… Not that I am bubbling over with happiness by no means… but at least my ass has six loads of dirty laundry to fold in my own fucking living room… I’m just a grump…. Randy needs to go on… Skittles ain’t called… and that’s a good thing cause I want to be real ugly…. But I’m trying to ‘do the next right thing’ let God be the judge… Maybe Skittles just ain’t got no money…. Maybe he has a rash of the DUMBASS… You know that crack can fuck a man’s brain up long term! And Women too! Really… I just had to get some shit out… I know how to change my stinking thinking… Been here done this before… this ain’t my first rodeo… I just wanted to bitch for a minute and since there is no one here to bitch at… I figured I would do some of that therapy writing that my sponsor tells me to do… GET IT OUT… Shafter… Armand… I can’t believe they are gone… I haven’t even had time to grieve cause someone has been up my ass ever since! I called to reschedule my surgery today, nurse chic said she would call me back in 15 minutes… Ain’t heard from her since… it’s been over 10 hours! My step dad and mom are tweaking over this… I try to tell them that is a common thing… Lots of women have it… my mom is a nurse, she knows this! She is just not use to her baby girl having to have surgery… I guess I would be the same. My real dad ain’t asked a thing about it… He may as well be in Hawaii with his NEW FRIENDS for all I give a damn… But hey my apartment looks nice! I got all the lights out, got some candles going in the living room and in the bedroom… smells good… nice and clean and fresh and cozy… I think I’m going to take a cold shower… and dive into some step study … This is a rant and only rant… No worries, I’m ok… Just needed to get it out and well… here it is… I’m Ok and I’m on my WAY! Toodles! |
| Within 24 hours I slept 20 of them away yesterday… I must have been tired! OBVIOUSLY!! I haven’t yawned today not once… Can you believe it? I am however, twiddling my thumbs wishing away the hours of this work day. I’ve been thinking about procrastation, boundaries and priorities today. I think my biggest problem is procrastination… then it adds up and overwhelms me. Something’s as minor as laundry, bill opening; studying etc… that would be a small task turns into a dreaded project after days and weeks of putting it off. I think that NOT setting clear boundaries is another mistake I’ve made. I’m not sure what my boundaries even are? Maybe this is something I should figure out. And Priorities! You tell me… If you had 6 loads of dirty laundry and your friend needed you to go to a meeting… you would oblige… right? What about dinner afterward? Wouldn’t it be a priority to get to the house and at least get a few loads of clothes done? You were there for your friend when they needed you at the meeting… would you stop your life to tend to your friend all night or find a happy balance somewhere? See… basically I stopped maturing at the age I started to use… So that leaves me with a 15 year old mentality… I don’t know how to deal with shit on a grown up level… So now I am sober… the first step… now Step two… Learn how to function soberly in this crazy world that makes me wish I was still high sometimes! Learn how to be a grown up… with grown up priorities and boundaries…. There is so much more to sobriety than just being sober… The road ahead is still winding… It's a trip about my handle here jen414... I picked the numbers 414 for another reason but turns out 4/14/07 is my dry date... I thought about that when I was showering the other morning. |
| I think I’m depressed. Sad and gloomy; dejected; downcast. Pressed down, or situated lower than the general surface. lowered in force, amount, etc. Undergoing economic hardship, esp. poverty and unemployment. Being or measured below the standard or norm. Flattened down; greater in width than in height. Mostly I am just fucking exhausted. I am so tired! I don’t think I have invested any time into myself lately. It’s been all about every one else. I called into work this morning. I woke up late again and I had less than 20 minutes to get dressed and get there. The thought came, well shit… what harm will it cause to call in and then spend this day getting the rest that I know I need. I then went back to sleep and woke up at 1PM! Yeah, I went to bed last night at 9:00PM and I am still tired. I could still go lay my head down and be out for the rest of the day. And I may just do so… this is odd for me. I am not a sleeper! I use to say that I will get all the sleep that I need when I am dead… I’ve always been the first one up and the last one to sleep. I guess maybe it’s catching up to me in my old age. I don’t know. I do know that having Sarah and Kenneth over in my little apartment for the last two weekends has stressed me out. Kenneth won’t be back, that’s been decided… but Sarah… Sarah fills the room when she walks in… Sarah is loud and clingy. She is emotionally draining… AND on top of all that I feel responsible to her… which I am… but there should be a balance here… not just whatever she needs, she gets from me… you know, cause what about me? I am of little help to anyone if I am not helping myself. I can’t give away that which I am not getting from somewhere? Like my studies, my meditations, my prayers, my own sponsor, my GOD for Pete’s sake… So, I think I am going to cancel this Friday’s group. I know Sarah is going to be upset and she is going to make some wise ass remark that I don’t follow through with what I say I will do… but the fact is she is just going to have to understand. I would like to spend this weekend with myself… with my God. I have too… something has got to give… I’ve been overwhelmed and living on the edge of a broken heart… and I didn’t even realize it until the fall almost came this last weekend. I was so tired this weekend… disappointed in Kenneth, maybe it was my unrealistic expectations. I expected him to financially help me out! The truth is I saved him a lot of money by letting him stay at my apartment instead of paying for a room at this hotel, which he had planned to do anyway. He even made the comment that he could just give that money to us, pay our way into the convention and what ended up happening? He came over here with NO money? Don’t make no damn sense. Other than, he was obviously under the wrong impression regarding my financial situations and me. I don’t use people for money… I may have when I was drunk and using but being sober… I have never been a money hungry bitch. I got my own cash and I will spend it in a heartbeat on the people I love and appreciate… that’s the very reason that I don’t have no money! During the convention I left for about an hour. I came home and I was fighting the urge to change the way I felt. I did overdose on my antidepressants. I did take some no dose pills… I did take anything and everything I could find. I even asked Sarah for a couple of her diet pills and I took em’… I caught myself driving to the liquor store…. The ONLY Thing that kept me from it was that damn Dry Date of April 14, 2007… That’s the ONLY thing I had to hold onto. You see, I realize that I am not ready for a relationship regardless… And I am damn sure not ready to play the field or date because when my expectations don’t get met… like they didn’t with Kenneth… I was crashing hard and all I wanted was something to make me feel different…. None of the shit I took was considered Narcotic… that’s the only thing that saves me from having to change my date AGAIN… but in my mind I was in a very bad place… I can’t let myself get that far again… I have a tendency to STUFF what I am feeling… I don’t even realize what I am feeling… I don’t acknowledge it. I am so in tune with how YOU are feeling and I don’t have a clue as to what is going on in me… it’s like I don’t count to myself or something. Lately, I have been overeating, over smoking… I am going to the extreme with everything in my life and What is the solution? More God… Less of me… I’m starting with the basics… get some rest… spend time with God… and then go from there… that’s all I know to do… Email sent to Sarah : Hey Sarah... Your at work, I just now woke up at 1PM today... I am so exhausted girl, I been doing some thinking, praying... contemplating... and I decided that I need to cancel our group this Friday. Girl, I can't give away that which I am not getting from somewhere else. I have to catch up with myself, my studies, I need some alone time with my sponsor but I don't think that is going to happen this weekend since she is so busy anyway. I haven't been in a good place. I think you know this... How right was it for your sponsor to get diet pills from you? Not good... I've got to get right with myself and I need some time alone to do that... time with my higher power... Maybe on Friday your mom can bring you back to the 5:30 meeting... if So I will go and see you there. I hope you can find a ride home at 1... if not, I'll run you to your house on Friday K... Don't be upset cause this has nothing to do with you... it's all about me, I got to get some things straight in my mind and I got to do it alone. Love ya! I will give you some assignments and things to work on this weekend and I want you to keep sobreity in your mind at all times... don't use me as a reason to go out... and leave Christy alone! :) Love ya again, Jen |
| I just got in from running a few errands. Today is my mother’s 57th birthday. So I went over to her home and gave her a card. A cute little precious card with Momma feet and daughter feet hanging side by side off a bench… says something about how I love my mom moments. She liked… but the thing is… I didn’t get her anything else! You see my mother goes out and gets whatever she needs. She doesn’t need anything. She doesn’t have room for nothing! She doesn’t eat cakes or cookies… she is just miserably hard to shop for. Usually, I buy her little mom plaques or just stuff I think is cute… but this time I just gave her a card and sat and visited for a while. I felt much better leaving her home then I did when I got there. My step-dad is so concerned about the bad spot on my cervix. He was almost in tears when he asked that I don’t let it go… but be sure and get it fixed… do what the doctor has suggested, he said! Bless his heart… I really do have a neat step dad, at first I didn’t like em’… in fact we almost killed each other but over the years we have both grown to respect the other. He is good to my mother. He likes me! What else could I ask for from my mother’s husband? Yeah, he is a pain in the ass sometimes but he is a big ol’ softie when it comes to his red headed stepchild… and fluctuating blonde… nowadays anyway! He use to be my worst nightmare… but I think it was because he saw right through my bullshit and wasn’t going to enable me like my mother. My step-dad made me promise that I would come and visit more often. And I promised. I do need to spend more time with my folks. My step-dad is an emotionally AVAILABLE man… he has wanted to shower me with love for years and I have always kept him at arm’s length. I’m ready to stop that now… My sponsor bought me a second edition of “The Language of Letting Go” From the Convention gift shop, she wrote a line inside the book telling me to use the gifts that are inside of me. It was really nice. She also bought me a Sarah a medallion. I bought Sarah and me another Medallion that bonds us as women in recovery. And Sarah got me the big book leather cover… that is way cool! I even took it over to my mom’s for them to see. I had a hard time yesterday. I got so close to the edge. I realize that regardless if a man is working the twelve steps of AA or not… Regardless of what HE is all about… I’m not ready for a relationship… and I’m not interested in Skittles. I did tell him last night that I was feeling overwhelmed and I was going to heed my sponsors advice and not be involved with a man at this vulnerable time of my sobriety. He was cool with it… I don’t know if I like that or not! He was suppose to say… OH NO… I can’t live without you! But he didn’t… He was all for me doing what I felt was best for me. Then talked about his own goals that he needed to be focused more on. I let myself get way off in left field yesterday… If someone had lit a match I would have burst in flames. It was a tough one… even being surrounded by all that sobriety at the West Texas Round Up… I was resentful towards Skittles… I don’t know if this is truly the case or not… but I got the impression that he felt like I am this “big money” having woman right… In fact, he made several comments about my “big money”… AS IF! I may look like I got some cash but baby… That’s only cause I know how to squeeze blood out of a turnip… I have been a practicing poor girl all my adult life! I know how to rig up shit… and look the part… but I am sure not “Big Money” as he appeared to be under the impression of… So! He left his money in Midland! He came over here to Odessa and to this convention with NO money! NO money! HUH? It cost $25 to get in the door?! Hello? I was hot… and so was Sarah… She was like, yeah… looks like he is thinking he got him some rich white girl to be taking care of his meal tickets… huhhhh… That’s just wrong! And it got the best of my serenity yesterday. I was highly disappointed, aggravated and offended… bad bad combo… but see I never said nothing so it just festered up inside of me… and instead of just letting go and letting God… I spent most of yesterday figuring out how to get that man out of my car and out of my home. Oh… when he figured out I wasn’t going to pay his way every where we went, he began asking for us to find an ATM machine… Yeah… there is one right there in the Hotel Lobby of the Convention… I’m like… Little Daddy, you done passed that ATM about 15 times… You can’t bullshit a bullshitter…I’ve played that game before… Yeah, usually it’s when I was DRUNK or USING some kind of chemical… which in turn had my moral convictions flying out the window… but still I saw right through his little game… and he want to act all Big Spiritual… and this Great Man of God… and I still believe he is… I still have respect for him… he obviously had the WRONG impression of me. He knew it was my payday too… He asked if Sarah would get a check this pay period the day before the event? Why? Is that any of your business? I didn’t think about it until I saw how he just assumed that I would take on the financial load of the weekend… it hurt my feelings. It deeply disappointed me. I knew before that situation that he wasn’t right for me… long term like… but after that I figured he ain’t right for me short term either… Honestly… You know how it is when you click with someone in the bedroom and when you don’t… I have to say that he may be the worst I’ve ever had… and it ain’t cause he little… it’s cause he ain’t got no snap… no passion… no fire! I’ve had better sex all by myself! I shouldn’t be sleeping with him already no way… I know it sounds like I am a loose woman and maybe I am… I SHOULD be married cause honey I LIKE sex… I would much rather have magnanimous relationships… but it ain’t happening for me just yet… I need to keep a damn penny balanced between my kneecaps at all times. Regardless of the lack of physical stimulation… there ain’t no mental or emotional stimulation either… Ahh… Hell… AND ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST… and another’s gone, another’s gone… another one BITES the DUST! Sponsee and I had a great discussion this weekend. I did tell you some of my story… She was dumbfounded. She was like, you have never told me about your history in addiction and I didn’t think you were as bad as I had been… I said, Girrrll…. Wheeww… That ain’t even half of what I got… Much of it, I have blocked out baby cause I couldn’t bare to look at myself in the mirror… I don’t want it to be Monday already. But I guess I can shit in one hand and want in the other and just see which one fills up faster… I’m going to bed… I’m exhausted! |
| Hi… It’s me again… I’m sitting here in my dark and cold apartment, trying to type quietly so no one wakes up… To hell with them if they do… I’m a little annoyed… I got to stop too… first off, let me say… Remember when I spoke of my ex husband’s boss man yesterday? He passed the joint from lathe to lathe… He got someone to pee for his hands when accidents came? He was at the CONVENTION last night! Is that a trip or what? He knows Kenneth and came over and shook his hand. And I am just staring at him… He knows I am staring at him. He makes eye contact, he looks away… He makes eye contact again and I’m STILL staring at him… right… See he doesn’t recognize me cause he only saw me maybe once or twice… Even Kenneth is looking at me, then looks at him then looks back at me with this expression of WTF? Why are you staring at this man? He had his nametag clipped down on the bottom of his shirt… (Right next to his manhood) so when I’m not staring at his face, I’m looking downstairs to try to read his name… And I imagine he was like… What the hell? But I wasn’t for sure that it was him… and then finally I said… “Do you remember a Tommy B?”And he says YEAH… and puzzle is solved… So, I tell him who I am and he is Ahhh… OK… yeah…. And I tell him that I don’t know how Tommy is doing well cause we are divorced and then he tells me that he is divorced now too…. Hint hint… yeah, I caught that… or else I just thought it was a flirt statement… but anyway, we didn’t talk much but I think it’s such a trip that I JUST spoke about him yesterday and THERE He was…. The convention is awesome. A lady from California was here speaking last night. She had an awesome story and she was hilarious. All the speakers will be from out of town at this convention, only the local’s will be chairing or introducing the speakers. OKAY! Let’s get to the annoyed issues… I just need to get this out! Kenneth seems to have NO Snap… I mean he is like “ Which way did he go George?” … He just doesn’t seem to have much SNAP… (Only word I can think of to fit) and he slept in my bed last night and he’s all poking my butt with his thing and I’m cool with that but you see I have no bedroom door and I am not going to disrespect my sponsee who is asleep on the sofa by banging this man in her presence. I’m just not going to do it… So he keeps poking me on my butt and that’s cool… rub my ass like you dream of Jeanie… I don’t mind one bit but the thing that gets me … HE put his dollar fifty body right on top of mine and I can’t breathe. I mean we know he is a little man… he don’t weigh but a buck fifty but STILL I don’t want him laying up on me like he is a feather… He is all up on me and I’m squeezed over on the seam of the mattress and I’m trying to be nice and just enjoy the moment but I can’t… Finally I am like… as nicely as I can be about… “ Get the fuck off of me” … NO, I didn’t say it like that … I didn’t say nothing but my body language made it obvious I wanted his bony ass off of me… Let me sleep in my own fucking bed! So this morning when I am saying my prayers… See I don’t even put my feet on the floor, I roll out of the bed and on my knees… This keeps me SOBER! It keeps me from going off on some folk right! Well he woke up as I was saying my prayers out loud and he is all saying the serenity prayer with me but he is doing it in a voice that was like mocking me or so it seems. I know he didn’t mean nothing by it… I am just so short with him and I have been since he showed up last night… during the week when he calls I been short and snappy. This is how I get every time! I ain’t ready for a relationship! And He aint the one for me… So I told him during the week over the phone that I don’t want to flaunt nothing in front of no body… like at the meetings, I don’t want to be kissing or holding hands or nothing… let me tell you why… You see the AA world is just like any other world… reputations are built… I don’t want the reputation of going from one AA man to the next… I want to maintain my beautiful but strong… sweet but will put you in your place… independent, pay my own pills… ain’t going to answer or explain to nobody rep! (Except sponsor) That’s what I want… and that’s the way it’s going to be… Kenneth just isn’t passionate enough for me… I need some fire baby! I need to be on my tip toes… at awe for the man that holds my attention and Kenneth just ain’t got that… I don’t know… but I ain’t settlin’ for anything less than everything! So how the hell am I going to tell him this? I don’t even like the sex … honestly it sucks! He don’t kiss good… He just climbs on like I’m a place for him to relieve himself! And you know I looked past that cause I love his love for AA… but like Sarah said to me yesterday… Your in love with sobriety… and I think that’s what Kenneth has that attracts you… and that’s all” And I think she’s right. Sarah bought me a leather book cover for my big book yesterday! It’s so awesome! I love it! It has the Serenity prayer engraved on the front of it and a place to put my chip! I can’t find my last chip though! I got a vase full of those desire chips! I shit you not! And I got a couple of thirty-day chips collected… but my first and only 90-day chip… I have misplaced! I imagine it went through the washer… but I don’t know… JJ always played with my chips… Yeah… If they were monies I would be a millionaire! But maybe I’ll just put one of the desire chips in my case… it’s awesome… I love it! Sarah is such a giving spirit… She also bought Penny a shirt that says “ Sober Princess” … Penny is the lady with terminal cancer and she always refers to herself as Princess so when we saw that shirt we both looked at eachother and exclaimed “ PENNY!!!”… Sarah jumped right on it… The convention is awesome… I love this kind of stuff! It’s going to be a good day… I’m going to put principles before personalities. I’m going to stop being short with Kenneth and just accept him as is… Like my sponsor tells me, accept it as is… or accept it gone… Either way… you gonna have to accept it… I got to get to the bank before noon! It’s rent time again! Off to the shower I must go… Love you guys! The first meeting is at ten this morning and then there are hourly meetings until midnight… Toodles! |
| I don’t recall drinking much either until I was going through my divorce and at the age of 23. That isn’t so…I wouldn’t have been classified as an alcoholic at this time… but I was a binge drinker. My husband and I drank heavily but we only did so on the weekends. I was more into smoking than I was drinking. At one time, I was the girl that sat there all night sipping on a room temperature beer. Right before and especially after the divorce, that changed completely! I use to ensure that a fattie was rolled for my husband when he got in for his lunch hour… and if for some reason I didn’t have one ready and waiting for him, he was upset and rolling it himself. He started working for this machine shop… and all the guys that worked with him partied. Even the boss man ran from one lathe to the next passing the joint to his hands as they worked. Boss man even pissed for them when accidents caused them to be tested. The guys that he worked with all had wives that smoked and drank and we soon started making it a habit of drinking and partying every weekend. Many times we made road trips to the lake, but mostly the parties were at our house since we had the largest and nicest home out of the group. We rented a three bedroom log cabin home… I had found it by luck… the rent we paid was close to what I pay now for my little apartment. We both had full time jobs and money wasn’t a problem… though the more you make the more you spend and though booze and drugs are expensive! We were making it good for the first time in our marriage at this time. This was a few years before the divorce. This is when our addictions began to get the best of us. ** I was wrong when I said that I didn’t do much drinking before the divorce. I believe that drugs and drink killed my marriage. My husband and I both allowed it to happen, rather it be from Ignorance or just youth. We married when we were 18 years old. We were 16 years old when we moved in together. My mother was at her wit end over me. She had already witnessed my brother’s fall into the drug world… She didn’t want to lose another child to dope. I should maybe give my dad more credit than I have. He was a big part of the geographical change. I know it was his idea. He too was concerned about the path I was on. Though, he was abusive… there is no doubt that he loved and wanted the very best for me. My dad was abused when he was a kid. He was beat so hard once by his mother that he was paralyzed from the waste down. So… The fact is… Though he was emotionally unavailable to me and he still is… I have to see the why behind the what. What he did to me and my brother was nothing near what he endured as a child. He really did the best he could with what life had dealt him. Though, I don’t care to have a close relationship with my father. I didn’t when I was a child and though I did try to build a relationship with him during my early twenties and it seemed to only leave me more hurt… I have since decided that it’s best that things stay the same way they have always been between us… emotionally unavailable… but now it goes both ways. I aced my 10th grade English class. I never made less than a 100 in English on every report card during that year. I am trying to remember what English class that was? I know it wasn’t no grammar crap… no it’s the year I read “Of Mice and Men” “The Red Pony”… Read a lot of Shakespeare books… I even made 100 on the final exams… pissed the other kids off cause there was no grade curve… You know how the highest test grade… like for example if it’s a 97… then everyone gets 3 extra points… and that brings the highest grade maker to 100? Remember? Anyway… someday I want to make plans to visit Coach Lawrence. He saw that I was a troubled kid… He read some of my early poetry and there were suggestions in them that I had been sexually abused and even physically abused… he picked up on them, and left comments about them on my papers…. But he never made a big deal of it. I was glad. was 16 years old at this time and so I only spent 2 more years in the same home with him… but he never again hit me I believe I was 15 years old… because not long after, my family and I moved back to Odessa and I got my drivers license and I met my husband when I was 16 years old. At this time, my parent’s marriage started falling to shit. So when I say that I spent two more years in the home with my dad… that’s not true… My dad moved out within a year of my suicide attempt and my husband moved in… though we were not married until age 18, he lived with my mother and me from 16 years old and up. My dad moved to Eastland, TX and though he came back a few times… he was in and out… he was on thin ice with my mother and he didn’t have the ‘say’ over that which he at one time did. He was losing his manipulation and control over the family unit… and he was doing his best to win it back, to no avail. ** I just wanted to correct a few things I had written. A lot of this is so fuzzy in my mind and so things come to me periodically. Looking back, I was born with this disease! I was! But it wasn’t full blown until right before, during and after my divorce. We will get there soon enough. There is a Convention this weekend here in Odessa. Lots of AA talk going on in West Texas. I will be busy with that most of this weekend. I have volunteered to work in the Hospitality room and serve the guests. So… You guys may not see much of me around here in WDC this weekend but just know that I am getting fueled up on my sobriety! Well that’s all I got for now… |
I will not make the same mistakes that you did I will not let myself Cause my heart so much misery I will not break the way you did, You fell so hard I've learned the hard way To never let it get that far I started smoking pot when I was 12 years old. I had a live-in connect, my older brother. I was well known to my 12-year-old friends to just bust out a joint in the midst of our park playing. They would be getting high on the swing sets… I offered another type of high. Many of them shied away and wanted no part of it. Obviously their parents had talked to them about drugs… TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT DRUGS, damn it… BUT I wasn’t given that heads up… I figured it ok, hell my big brother did it and I looked up to him, felt him proud to see his kid sister being cool . So I eventually found myself hanging with an older and much rougher group of friends. I was 13 years old and had a 21-year-old boyfriend. He use to take me to JR High in his White Thunderbird and I would have him cruise in front of the school so everyone could see us… just to prove how cool I was. He didn’t smoke weed, but he drank the hell out of that beer. My brother got me drunk for the first time. We were drinking Vodka and orange juice. I was 13 years old. We were parked at the very park that my 12 year old friends had dissed me just the year prior. I don’t know how much I had to drink… but I remember falling over and hitting my head on his car. I later laughed and said I got so drunk I headbutted the car. I liked it too. I laughed so hard, I talked to people I didn’t know… I didn’t even care if they thought I was cool or not… I wasn’t that quiet and shy little girl anymore. I had attention from the older guys… the one’s that were hooking my brother up with cocaine… decided they would stick around and flirt with the drunk 13 year old. I remember looking through the window of the back seat of my brothers red Toyota Corolla and I saw him snort a line of cocaine. He looked up at me and put his index finger vertically across his lips. He was telling me to not say a word about it. His friends wanted to give me a line of it. He wouldn’t have it! I remember him saying, She is 13 years old… Fuck No … We are not giving her a line. I whined and begged him to let me but he wouldn’t budge. Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me Because of you I am afraid My brother protected me from the hard dope for most of my childhood. It wasn’t until I was 23 years old that I did dope for the first time. Though I started smoking weed at 12, I don’t recall drinking much either until I was going through my divorce and at the age of 23. But I smoked the hell out of that weed… my brother got married when I was 14 years old and he and his wife continued to sell weed. I would stay at his house any chance I could. They would wake me up in the mornings by passing me a joint. Once I was getting high when they were all gone and I dropped his glass bong… it was like a family heirloom passed down from her father… a huge bong in the shape of a skull and I dropped and it shattered all over the kitchen tile. My brother ‘cut me off ’ because of that. He was so pissed… all the folk that was use to getting hooked up through me where looking elsewhere to get their weed… so I started stealing it out of his bedroom. I would wait till they both went to work and find their stash… always no less than a gallon size ziplock baggie packed to the max… hell I could take an ounce at a time and he wouldn’t even know it. Now, all the money I made was pure profit… My first drivers license picture at 16 years old… I am stoned out of my mind. My eyes are blood shot. I made a point of getting good and high before getting the picture taken. I was cool… and I had proof of it. I was a big bad stoner bitch… I wore black concert shirts; blue jeans and high top tennis shoes, had bleach blonde hair… I looked like a grown woman in JR High and appeared much older than the other kids. It was always the ‘Stoners Against the Mexicans’… we would always have after school rumbles… and since I was one of the biggest stoner bitches… I would find the biggest Mexican bitch in the crowd and walk up and pop her in the eye… no warning given…Another attempt to prove just how cool I was… and it happened to me many of times! I lose my way And it's not too long before you point it out I cannot cry Because you know that's weakness in your eyes I'm forced to fake A smile, a laugh everyday of my life My heart can't possibly break When it wasn't even whole to start with I remember standing on Stoner bench and inviting any Mexican bitch that thought she was bad enough to come rumble with me… Gabriella… made me look like pee wee up next to her … she took my offer up (scared the hell out of me, I wasn’t use to anyone stepping up) and we fought… both of us bloody and bruised… then I invited her to get high… we did… Me and about 30 Mexican kids standing out back in the alley getting high while Gabriella and I bandaged eachothers wounds. Gabriella is now a big butch dyke… She works at the dollar store… Seen her not so long ago… Anyway, after that they called me the fighting white girl with weed… I sold to many of them from then on. You see, when I was in elementary school… I was three sizes bigger than what I am now. I wore my mother’s size of clothes… and she was a large lady back then. I got a lot of cruelty from the other kids. Not only was I fat… but I had red hair and freckles… During the summer between Elementary and JR High… I slimmed down a lot… I hit puberty… I got a little shape to me, lost a lot of the baby fat and I grew taller. I died my hair blonde, I taught myself how to put on makeup and I had a deep down anger that was ready to explode on anyone that got in my way. My father was abusive. I had been sexually abused by two men. Other kids… even teachers were treating me cruelly in elementary. But when I started JR High… it all changed… I wasn’t that fat little girl anymore… I was built bigger than a lot of the other kids… with my big bones and tall height everyone expected me to be a fighter… I forced myself to live up to their expectations. I really only wanted to be accepted. I found that I was accepted when I proved just how cool I was by hooking them up with a sac of weed. I found it easier to forget what I felt inside when I was known for being ‘ in the cool’ … respected and feared for my lack of ‘give a damn’ … I was known to hang with an older crowd… people that were even out of high school… not to mention JR High… So, I still felt like an outsider… I had walls around me that a bulldozer couldn’t knock down. I was a walking bomb… so full of anger… so full of insecurities…. I was always in the principal’s office… smoking in the bathrooms, fighting, skipping classes, and talking back to the teachers… I punched this girl in Mr. Puckett’s Science class when in the 8th grade. She had wrote me a note and called me a fat bitch… I walked out of my class… walked into hers… walked right up to her and knocked her out of her desk chair…I couldn’t even call that a fight… one punch and she was on the floor and poor Mr. Puckett didn’t know what the hell had happened… He didn’t even see me walk in… I wasn’t a bully… but I was damn sure a hot head and just didn’t give a fuck… I had nothing to lose… Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me Because of you I am afraid My mother was at her wit end over me. She had already witnessed my brother’s fall into the drug world… She didn’t want to lose another child to dope. She saw the path I was on… and she made a choice… one that saved my ass from a lower bottom than what I have had. She packed me up and she moved us to Lubbock Texas. She enrolled me into one of the finest Schools in Texas… Friendship High School in Wolfforth Texas, just right on the outskirts of Lubbock. Everything changed in my world. I didn’t have the connect since my brother was still in Odessa. I didn’t have the old friends that were headed to prison or death. I made new friends, friends my own age. I started paying attention in class. I aced my 10th grade English class. I never made less than a 100 in English on every report card during that year. I loved that English Teacher too… I have blogged about him before. He saw talent in me and he told me about it. I think a lot of my good grades were an attempt to impress him even more. He was a great inspiration to me. Coach Lawrence, he was the English Teacher at Friendship High School and the Boys football coach… I would like to see him again someday. He always wrote big red notes all over my assignments telling me how talented he thought I was with words. It was during this time that for the first time in my childhood, I think I was actually a child. I have many fond memories of living in Lubbock Texas. And I slowed way down, damn near stopped smoking the weed. I would always steal me an ounce from my brother every time I would go visit him. I would take it back to Lubbock with me and turn my friends on to it. Though that wasn’t very often. I did try to commit suicide for the first and only time living in Lubbock. My dad was mad at me about something… and he was hitting me and I was so sick of him hitting me and I remember jumping on the bed… bouncing around him… with my dukes up… I was mad… and he doubled up his fist and popped me in the face and I remember watching his fist come towards my face. His hands are so big and the power he had behind his punch proved that he wasn’t playing with me. He wanted to hurt me… it hurt my feelings more than my face and I just wanted to make him suffer and I took a full bottle of aspirins and I go so damn sick… I ended up waking my mom up and telling her what I had done and asking for her to help me cause I’m fixing to die… I really thought I was a gonner… I saw my dad cry for the first time in my life that day. I remember I was sitting outside in the backyard under a tree my dad sat on the grass next to me, my ears were ringing so bad from the overdose… I could barely hear him… he cried and promised he would never hit me again. He talked about how he would have died had I died from that overdose… and he promised that I would never see his hand raised in anger towards me again… and I never did… I was 16 years old at this time and so I only spent 2 more years in the same home with him… but he never again hit me… that was the last time… and this has brought a tear to my eye… even now after all these years… I watched you die I heard you cry every night in your sleep I was so young You should have known better than to lean on me You never thought of anyone else You just saw your pain And now I cry in the middle of the night For the same damn thing My addictions subsided for the most part during my time spent in Lubbock… but when I got married… my husband and I allowed this disease to kill our marriage… and then when the divorce happened is when I lost myself to addiction… those memories are to come… I just want to say something to you dad’s out there… especially to the one’s with little girls… You have the power to make or break this little girl… You will never understand how much power you have in her little eyes… EVERY piece of my heartaches… Every path that I follow backwards to see where my addictions manifested… they all begin and end with my father… every one… Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything Because of you I don't know how to let anyone else in Because of you I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty Because of you I am afraid Because of you Because of you ~ Kelly Clarkson |
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