(hover your mouse over the intro to view the details)
Intro
 A Simply Positive review. This review, the suggestions and views, are my personal opinions. My wish is for the review to be helpful and positive. Please take what you can or wish from the review, and disregard the rest. |
Vel 
Mystery and intrigue, brute force and magic, this mystical tale holds it all. From forest through waterfall, mist and glen, this tale leads us on an adventure of discovery.
~backwards~ represents directional movement or action of time. In speech many people like to take the action words and give them an added syllable "s" to help propel them forward. Already being a word of action, this effort is unnecessary and leads to creating a slang term. This terminology then transfers into our writing. Now, if the piece of writing already contains slang terminology throughout the piece, then this would be acceptable, if not, then I would alter the word to the proper form, as I suggest with this instance. This also happens with forward, afterward, inward, downward, toward, outward, beside, to name a few.
~in the second paragraph A living shadow, the A should not be capitalized.
~she made her way to the front of the house (the red are words omitted that are necessary for the actions to ring true for the sentence.)
~Starting a sentence with a conjunction, but or and, creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. This can be changed by adding a comma and joining the sentence with the previous one, since they are of the same subject. That, or drop the conjunction and open strong for the next sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in today's writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles. When used with slang terminology, the use of conjunctions to start sentences is a commonality. I have found that the younger the audience, the more the use of conjunctions starting sentences.
~The men at the table are introduced as Thosious, Damian, Ryan, and Aries, so where does Sean come from a few paragraphs down?
~out and touched ones of her walls.(change the red word to one)
~because I of what I am (omit the one word, replacing it with the red one.)
~Does the water in the tub heat from some energy source he produces? It is stated that the water is cold, but heats around his finger, which makes sense even in today's world, though not to the point of which it is hot when he enters into the tub. More emphasis needs placed on this heating. More needs told so that the reader better understands this character and his attributes. Otherwise, this is glazed over and is almost missed.
~It was to prove to me that he had not no low,
~world who are indispensible spell check indispensable
~ set of off the reaction
~be a at least fourteen hundred here
~Hunters will be the best fighters, almost every man and women here is trained to hunt, in case something happens to the husbands wives may go on feeding their children and children in case they lose their parents.
I see the direction this sentence was going, but it doesn't quite deliver. I would suggest going back through and re-reading this so that it can be re-worded to better express the thought you are trying to portray.
~She did not understand how he could be so quite.Quiet is the word for here, not quite.
~Prophecies name me the soulless one a as well.” He said with finality.
~“Everything I hold is morals
Not grammatically correct.
~ I suppose in order to know pain, anger and sadness. You have to know what happiness feels like to know the loss of it.
Two sentences which should be combined as one with a comma, otherwise one is incomplete.
~ shinned should be shined
~freighting speed, I believe the word choice here is suppose to be frightening
~kales sword (Kale's sword) should be capitalized and show possession at all times.
~ you had to whiteness witness them
~her own back pack and taking stride beside him
~water fall and onto kale (here waterfall should be all one word)
~ the ma’s grip, he (should be man's grip)
~ trough the water... this should be through
~Kale should always be capitalized. This doesn't happen throughout the piece. I would suggest going back through and making this so.
~he waded as fast as he could the surface
first of all he can't wade, for to wade is to walk through the water, so his head would be above the water, if he kicked this would make sense. Secondly it should be to the surface
~managed to collapse
Overall, this was a good story, one I would like to see through completion. I did however find several items that needed addressing, almost as if someone hadn't gone back through to proof-read the story. Though there were several areas still needing work, they were all minor and did not really detract from the story itself all that much.
I anxiously await further installments of this piece. I find myself asking just what kind of creature Kale is. Part wolf? Part vampire, or is it something all together different? What are the extents of his powers, and what alluring power does Velenna's neck hold over Kale?
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"  .
Image #1642111 over display limit. -?- |
|
| (4.5)
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
"
The tone or voice of this poem was soft and full of love. The sing song rhythm produced for me by the punctuation was a tune of happiness and joy. 
"
